Have I told you guys that I am a champion fainter? I started fainting back in elementary school and I’ve only gotten better at it with age. When I was a kid, I fainted when I had a headache, didn’t get enough sleep, or hadn’t eaten enough. I’ve fainted in restaurants, classrooms, and my personal favorite, up to bat during a softball scrimmage. One moment I was staring down the pitcher, the next I was laying on my back in the bleachers.

Now that I’m an adult, I can usually feel the signs of fainting coming on with enough time for me to do something about it. My vision starts to go dark, my ears feel disconnected from my head, and I start to sweat like I’m on the surface of the sun. Usually sitting down or getting some fresh air will keep me from passing out (assuming I have control over the situation and am not, like, in a lab chair or hospital bed) and embarrassing myself.

I’m sure you see where this is going.

On Saturday night/early Sunday morning, I woke up absolutely parched. I grabbed my empty water bottle next to my bed and headed into the kitchen to refill it. My water bottle fits into the refrigerator’s water dispenser, so I turned it on and waited for it to fill up. And then I thought, “Gee…I feel a little dizzy. Maybe I should sit.” And the next thing I knew, I was laying on my kitchen floor.

Elmo’s reenactment is spot-on.

Schuyler got to me first (mostly because she’d followed me to the kitchen), and I’m pretty sure she would have licked me until the water bottle started to overflow – then she’d have started dancing around in the water like it was spring break.

Mike got to me right when I started to open my eyes. “What happened?! Did you fall? Are you okay?!”
Me: Is my water okay?

He helped me to my feet, and after assuring me several times that my water was okay (I was concerned, apparently) he managed to get me to say that I’d been dizzy and he realized I’d fainted. He got me back to our room, where I said, “I just really want some water. Am I allowed to have water?” He went back to the kitchen to get my bottle, and when he returned I was a slightly more with it.

Me: How did you know I was in the kitchen?
Mike: Well, I heard a HUGE thud and figured I should see what it was.
Me: Oh. I’m the thud.

The next morning, I woke up with my head feeling heavy and thick, as if I’d been drinking. Then I realized my head hurt because I’d hit it on the kitchen floor when I’d fainted.

Me: I have a head injury. You let me sleep with a head injury.
Mike: Science says it’s totally fine to sleep with those.
Me: Did you even check to make sure I knew my own name?
Mike: I was very tired, okay?

It definitely knocked me on my butt for a few days, but as of this morning my head is still very tender, but my brain doesn’t feel scrambled anymore. So that’s good! And now we know that I can’t be trusted to get up safely in the middle of the night. I guess that means Mike has to fetch me water now when I’m thirsty (and also deal with the kids).