Living With Loss

Her Things

It took me a long time to go through Maddie’s stuff after she died. Our home was straightened up by friends and family in the days immediately following her death, but for the most part everything was left as it had been the day she left for her doctor visit. She was only seventeen months…

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Just Another Day

One of the things I’ve learned in the last five years is that life goes on, whether you want it to or not. You can hide from the world and grieve forever, but the sun will still rise and set. We’ve done different things every year to mark April 7th.  I’ve made mistakes…thought leaving town…

Five Years Gone

Five years ago today Madeline died. I remember driving Mike and me home from the hospital. I remember his boss calling him on his cell phone. I could hear her sobbing over the noise of the cars around us. The worst things are seared into my memory. The IVs, the sounds, her unnatural weight. The…

I Didn’t Know What To Say

Annabel’s questions about Madeline come in phases, and we are in a big one right now. The questions are getting more specific and harder to answer, because while I am always honest I do everything I can to not scare her. Annie is very into the human body right now. We have several books and…

The Day The Cards Stopped

I hate March. I hate April. I hate the whole lead up to April 7th. I’m feeling very angry this year and I don’t know if that’s going to subside before the seventh…and I don’t think I care if it doesn’t. Apathy and anger are some of the hardest emotions to work thorough in the…

Rejecting Resurrection

I don’t usually watch TV shows right when they air. It’s just not normally possible with the way I run my schedule. That means I am able to fast-forward through commercials, so I am not totally in the loop with the latest as-seen-on-TV products or what’s coming up on network TV. But, on Sunday night…

Death Doesn’t Make Friends

Annabel is getting more and more social at school. She’s a friend-lover just like me, so I know how much it means to her to have a group of pals she can count on. She’s starting to get invited to birthday parties and play dates and it’s all really exciting for her. It’s taken longer…

To The Parents Who Just Lost A Child

I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry that your baby is gone, be it a four-day-old or a forty-year-old. Your baby is gone and it isn’t fair. The immediate days and weeks right after will be a blur. You’re in shock. People will offer to help you; let them. Let someone you trust take over as…

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