Annabel was much more awake during the day yesterday – it’s like she read all these comments and was like, “no one is turning ME upside down!”
The weather here in LA has been absolutely beautiful – borderline hot, even – so we all went on a nice walk. After a while Annie got a little squirmy in her stroller, so I laid her down on a nice patch of grass.
Rigby had fun, too:
Annie is so fun when she’s awake. But, she already is showing major attitude. I will tell her not to do something, and she’ll still do it.
For a few nights in a row Annabel ate at midnight, four am, and eight am. Mike and I were excited because four hour stretches? AWESOME. But we were cautious because we know that these darn babies love to give their parents a glimpse of restful nights before they yank the rug out from under them.
Well, the rug? It has been yanked, people!
She will still sleep for four hour stretches, but she just will NOT go down at night. I am up until wee hours with her, staring into her wiiiiide open eyes. Here is a dramatic re-enactment:
Most nights you will find me singing her the Go To Bed Song. It goes something like this:
Oh, little baaaybeeee,
Mommy’s going craaaaaazeee,
Go to bed! Go to bed!
OH MY GOD! GO TO BED!
It’s a very soothing lullaby.
It’s not that she’s crying, or unhappy, or hungry, or dirty, or any other problem I can fix. She’s started to realize that the squeaks and yelps she hears are coming from her own mouth, and she LOVES to lay in bed and make all these fun new noises. For HOURS. At TWO AM. And oh man, the noises really are so cute, but I have a feeling they’d be even cuter at two PM. But I wouldn’t know, because she is always sleeping at two pm!
I know Maddie had this problem, where she confused days and nights. But I cannot, for the life of me, remember what (if anything) we did to correct the problem. Other than sing the Go To Bed Song.
This last weekend Annie went to her first birthday party. My oldest (since 1981) and bestest friend Tara’s daughter Reilly turned four on the 13th, and to celebrate we all dressed like princesses.
I am the Mommy Fairy Princess, and Annie is the Purple Tutu Princess. They are very famous princesses.
Maddie’s first birthday party was Reilly’s second birthday, and last year she went to her third birthday party, where she dyed her face and fingers with delicious frosting.
Reilly was super excited to meet, as she calls her, Baby Annabel. She asked me if she could hold Baby Annabel, “when I am older.” I told her it could be arranged.
Meeting Baby Annabel is exciting, but nothing compares to holding Tinkerbell’s wand.
Reilly talks to Tara about Baby Maddie almost every day. Whenever I see Reilly she talks to me about her too. It makes me happy to know that Reilly still thinks about Maddie and knows who she is. Most of Maddie’s friends aren’t going to have memories of her, but Reilly does and that means so much to me.
Maddie, Reilly, and Reilly’s brother Georgie in September of 2008
I look forward to the day when Reilly will be able to tell Annie stories about big sister.
I started to write this post with the intention of writing about something Annie and I did this weekend. I went back through some pictures looking for a certain one to help tell the story. Then I came across a picture of my Madeline that took my breath away.
Last week my therapist asked me what I miss the most about Maddie. I didn’t know how to answer. I miss EVERYTHING. I miss her smile, her smell. I miss her dirty diapers and her smelly food. I miss her kisses and hugs and curls and her dirty fingers and her laugh. I miss everything.
I wonder what she’d be thinking. What her interests would be. I wonder what she’d really think of her sister. Would she be jealous or would she be excited to spend time with her?
The other night I was laying in bed, Annie in her bassinet next to me, and I realized that I was sleeping in a room with both of my girls. Except Maddie is in an urn.
This life is so hard. I get overwhelmed by how much I miss her. I still don’t know what I’m going to do without her. When I think about how much it hurts…and I know that it will never stop hurting this much…I don’t even know how to finish this sentence. The right words don’t exist.
A year ago, my life was perfect. I was staying home with Maddie, Mike had his great job, we were moving forward with our plan for another baby and a hopeful move from a condo into a house. And then one Tuesday it was all taken away. I was a stay at home mom with no child. Mike’s position was eliminated while he was on bereavement leave. We didn’t want to move from the home Maddie lived in. It’s hard not to get swallowed up by it all.
I have been feeling guilty. I am so thankful for my Annabel. She gives me a reason to breathe every day. But I realized that I can be thankful for her and still be terribly sad about Madeline. These conflicting emotions swirl around in me constantly.
