As you all know, the show Friends is a staple in our house. We watch the reruns all the time, and I can’t imagine a time when I’ll ever say, “I don’t want to watch that Friends episode.” I have seen every episode numerous times over, but I still laugh at every joke like it’s the first time I’ve heard it. I don’t know many people my age that didn’t grow up watching and adoring the show. I am personally at the point where I don’t even realize I am quoting it half the time. In fact, Friends is so ingrained in my life now that I find myself living by many of its funniest quotes.
Joey: Joey doesn’t share food!
This is especially true if I am on a special diet or eating ice cream or breathing. My food is MY FOOD. And don’t even think of trying to grab “just a taste” without asking me first. You’ll get a fork in your wrist.
Phoebe: You NEVER run on a barge!
I’ve never been on a barge, but if I am ever even near one, I’ll know how to comport myself.
Joey: I’m not gonna go commando in another man’s fatigues.
This sounds like a no-brainer, and yet in college I knew a person who often went commando in borrowed clothing. Yes. YES.
Chandler: You have to stop the Q-Tip when it hits resistance!
When I watched Lena Dunham’s character Hannah ignore this advice once on an episode of Girls, I realized her generation might not have watched Friends with as much diligence as mine. I felt sad for all the abused ear drums out there.
Joey: You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie, or Friday with no two pizzas.
The Joey Special is especially great because no food sharing is required.
Monica: No… no honey… Not like that, we’re not a barn dance. You wanna fold them like swans like I showed you at Christmas, remember?
I always fold my napkins fancy now, lest anyone think my house is a barn. I haven’t quite mastered the swan fold, though.
Joey: What? You made a bet. A bet is a bet. You bet on a bet, and if you lose you lose the bet.
And never, under any circumstances, bet your amazing rent-controlled New York City apartment.
Rachel: How long do cats live? Like assuming you don’t throw ‘em under a bus or something?
But replace “cats” with fish, and replace “bus” with into a toilet. Yes, Bubbles and Uptown Funk are still alive almost a year later. Yay.
Joey: Here come the meat sweats…
I literally say this anytime I’ve had too much to eat, even if it wasn’t meat.
Ross: You could not be any more wrong. You could try, but you would not be successful.
This applies whenever anyone tries to argue with me about song lyrics. I AM NEVER WRONG ABOUT SONG LYRICS, MIKE.
Rachel: Hey, Mon, look, I’m melting butter.
Monica: That’s great, Rach. You now have the cooking skills of a hot day.
Melting butter is literally my best cooking skill.
Joey: Jet aplee blooo
What I sound like when I try to speak a foreign language.
Chandler: I’m not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
When it’s time to be serious, 97% of the time I will become uncomfortable and make a joke. The other 3% of the time I will run to the bathroom.
Rachel: Isn’t that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic.
This is what I say about the fish still being alive.