Six weeks into Kindergarten and we’re settled into the routine. Annabel is doing very well so far. Her reading is improving by leaps and bounds, her handwriting is…marginally better (lefties, man), and her social confidence is through the roof. We have parent/teacher conferences next week and since her teacher and I touch base every day after school, I don’t foresee any surprises.
I, on the other hand, am still trying to navigate the murky waters of Being An Elementary School Parent. I was worried that, thanks to Annabel’s placement in the K-1 Split instead of a traditional Kindergarten, I’d be out of the loop – not quite “in” with the Kindergarten families, not exactly belonging with the first grade families. But we’ve been lucky. The first grade parents I’ve interacted with have been incredibly welcoming, and most of the Kindergarten families in our class either attended the school’s Transitional Kindergarten last year, or have older siblings at the school. My learning curve has been lessened by them, and I’m very thankful.
Mike was out-of-town during Annabel’s Back to School Night (basically a classroom orientation for parents), so he wasn’t there to keep me from signing up for every volunteer position possible (I’m now a room parent, class photographer, field trip chaperone, and in-class helper…I really need to learn how to say no). This means I’m at the school often, and I’ve already seen a lot. Most of it is great – there are some fantastic, caring people at our school. But the one thing I’m really struck by is how many parents treat school as The Enemy.
This isn’t just something unique to where we are. Every day on social media I see parents make statements like, “I will slap that teacher if my child doesn’t get XYZ.” Or, “My kid has hurt feelings because she didn’t earn a Good Behavior sticker on her daily chart, I’m calling the principal!” Or, “I don’t like the curriculum at this school so I am talking to my lawyer.” When I see this stuff, my jaw hits the floor.
This isn’t to say there aren’t plenty of valid reasons to contact your children’s teachers and principals. It’s just so surprising to me how many parents go into these interactions with a chip on their shoulder. I emailed Annabel’s principal a couple weeks ago over a playground concern. After a few back and forth emails, the principal wrote, “Wow, you are so nice.” It made me sad – what kind of emails is she getting that my ordinary, polite inquiry was deemed, “so nice?”
To me, education is a team effort, with the school and me on the same team. I’m certain there will be plenty of times over the years where I’ll have to advocate for my children, and I won’t hesitate to do it. I just don’t see how it will help me to go into these meetings rude and on the offensive. The last thing I’d want is for my kids to have the “difficult parent” label attached to them. Educators have such a hard, thankless job, and I don’t see what good it does any of us to make it harder.
Suzie says:
I couldn’t agree more!! It’s the same here in England and it’s make me so sad that we’re in the minority of parents!! I couldn’t have said it better myself!
Suzie says:
I couldn’t have said it better myself. I totally agree with you, it’s the same here in England and it makes me so sad that parents feel the need to be so aggressive!
Megan says:
I teach high school and couldn’t agree more. Parents definitely treat me like I’m the enemy – not all, but most. It’s almost as if we’ve started to adopt “the customer is always right” as our philosophy, so now anything us worthy of a phone call to administration in an attempt to force change. Often parents won’t even contact me first with a concern – they’ll go directly to the principal. It’s enough to make me want to leave the profession sometimes. I just wish they’d realize that we’re all on the same side!
Susan says:
I agree. I teach first grade and I wish I could show my parents with the curriculum we have to teach, high class numbers and lack of supplies what it’s really like to be in the classroom in 2015. We really care for our students and try to do our best.
Kris says:
Thank you for this post. I don’t teach K-12, but I do teach college.
What some people don’t realize is that when their kids go off to college, they can’t intervene anymore, due to FERPA laws. The other thing is, having the students take responsibility for things like homework sets a good example for college work or a career, because in the real world outside the classroom, that is what professors/employers expect.
It’s become ‘cool’ to bash teachers of all levels on social media. What I can’t understand is why these folks aren’t grateful for those who choose to work with the students, day in and day out. The only conclusion I can come up with is that education has become devalued these days, but that is a whole other post.
Megan says:
Your handwriting comment reminded me that you didn’t seem to think Annabel’s “write your name 10 times” homework was meaningful, yet put in the context of handwriting improvement, it makes a little more sense.
I completely agree that the teacher-bashing needs to stop. Even when I was a kid, it bothered me when I’d hear other kids bashing the teacher. We had the nicest English teacher in 7th grade, and the other kids made fun of her behind her back because she was overweight. Nasty middle schoolers! At least most adults aren’t that petty. The most common complaint I see on Facebook is “This math isn’t how I learned it, so therefore it must be wrong.” I also see a lot of “This homework assignment seems pointless to me, so therefore I’m not going to make my kid do it.” Admittedly there are a lot of curriculum examples that don’t make much sense to me, but I’m not a teacher or an expert in K-12 education. Just because you don’t understand something doesn’t make it wrong.
I think part of the problem is that the popularity of social media means ANYTHING can become national news now. That’s both a good and a bad thing. The “look at what this horrible teacher did” and “look at this bad homework problem” stories spread like wildfire and plant the idea that the teacher and school are the enemy. All rationality goes out the window.
Heather says:
No, I absolutely thought that homework was meaningful – SHE is the one who didn’t! I just thought homework in general sucks, because it’s HOMEWORK, but I think it serves a good purpose.
I see the Common Core math complaints every single day. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to learn it with Annabel!
lauren G says:
I agree!!! It is all part of that Special little snowflake syndrom we have in this country today. BTW I clicked on the link to that article about the mom threatening to call her lawyer and it is the comments in that article that scare my whits out.
lauren G says:
sorry for the typos!
lauren G says:
sorry for the typos
Heather says:
Oh I know, that article has soooo many scary things in it.
Peggy says:
Lauren, I too clicked on the link and read the comments and was astounded. I send my kids to a Catholic school. They have, from at least third grade, learned about other cultures and religions. Obviously, they also learn Christianity because it’s a Catholic school. How can you really learn world history if you don’t know what Islam, Judaism and Christianity are? They are not being taught in an effort to convert them, but rather taught so that they can be citizens of the world rather than narrow-minded Americans who brand all Muslims by what happened on 9/11.
Margie says:
YES!
Jenb says:
Yes!
Aubrey says:
I have a freshman this year and still don’t feel like iI ‘fit in’ I’vetried.
Also. I agree with your teachers are blamed for everything. I have had to be the difficult parent though too. When my son was being bullied and nothing was being done besides punishing him. And when no one would listen that he had add and anxiety. And help me get it diagnosed. But I know too my kids have responsibility I things. And I always try and get the whole story.
I want to be class photographer. That would be so awesome!
Heather says:
Ugh, what a terrible situation you and your son were in! I know I would react similarly, but I also think that’s a serious situation and it’s totally justified for you to go in like that. I look at some of these parents who go into the principal all upset about something really minor and I think about the Boy Who Cried Wolf, you know? When EVERYTHING is a crisis, how is a principal ever supposed to take anything seriously?
Erin says:
If all parents could be just a little more like you, I might still be teaching. I loved the kids, I loved my job, but dealing with parents burned me out.
Kelly says:
I see it where I live too, and it blows my mind!! Some people cannot possibly imagine that their child is not absolutely perfect, so when they fail a test, it’s obviously the teacher’s fault. Give me a break!! Don’t go blowing a gear until you get the whole story of what’s happening in the classroom.
oh, and btw… say it with me, “No, I cannot sign up for another thing right now. My plate is full.”
Heather says:
I knooooow…I say this to myself, but then when someone asks for volunteers I am powerless! It’s a problem, LOL.
Jackson says:
We live in an era where complaining trumps praising (just look at the Internet). When parents complain about anything or everything their children model that in K-12 and into college. I see it at the university level where students take their complaints about a grade they received all the way up the ladder. Life is full of challenges and instead of voicing concerns or complaining why not teach kids how to navigate situations and come up with different ways to deal with the situation. What happens with complaints is that schools end up developing lists of policies that are then complained about. I am in education and have taught K-graduate school and am amazed at what I have seen over the last 30+ years.
As for writing, I am left handed. If the teacher is not left handed she or he will need to show a left handed student how to orient the paper for writing. It is the opposite for a right handed person.
Heather says:
Yes – luckily, Mike is left handed, so he can show Annabel that stuff!
Renee says:
Completely agree with you! I mean, when we were at NPHS I don’t remember my parents getting involved when we had to learn about the history of other countries, religions, etc. When I saw that post yesterday about the Mom who took a picture of her son’s homework and then blasted it all over social media, I was floored! I remember having to study things that I’m sure made my parents uncomfortable, but they would have NEVER, in a million years, wrote to the teacher and said my kid is not going to participate in this homework assignment!! If I didn’t do my homework, regardless of what it was, I would have gotten grounded.
Annalisa says:
As with most things in life, there’s a fine line that’s easy to cross. I have been on both sides of the fence now, having been a teacher before kids, and having a kid who definitely needs more advocacy than most (yay, ASD making it difficult for kids to express their own needs :/).
It’s never the teacher’s fault, but it’s not automatically the kid’s fault when conflict arises either. Sometimes (and I speak as an educator) there’s just a bad match between the teacher and the kid’s learning style. I’ve seen this happen first hand, with really good, experienced teachers too. We get used to teaching a certain way, and at times students come along who force us outside our comfort zone. For the most part, teachers eventually rise to the occasion, but that doesn’t mean we do that at once, preferring first to complain how “so and so takes up so much time” and so forth.
That said, even with my own limited teaching expertise, for now I defer to my daughter’s teachers’ judgement. I’ve only got one quirky kid, whereas they often deal with hundreds in their careers as teachers. Mostly, though, it involves accepting your kid is not perfect.
Debbie says:
You are so right about sometimes there is a bad match between a teacher and a student’s learning style. My son is in college right now studying music education to become a music teacher. He was stuck all last year with a piano teacher that he just didn’t mesh with when it came to learning; he spent the entire year struggling to maintain a passing grade. This year he got a different teacher, and he has an A and no struggles.
Ashley says:
It’s the same here, in Oklahoma City. I simply do not understand. We attended Open House and I was floored at the lack of participation. Also, those participating were very disrespectful…. one on her phone the entire time! Not texting, TALKING!! One couple didn’t bring their Kindergartner but did bring their baby and played with her the entire time the teacher spoke. One couple played a game on their phone!! I just could not believe it. I could tell it made the teacher nervous but she wasn’t sure how to handle a room full of disrespectful parents! I’m 100% certain I wouldn’t make it as a teacher. Most parents are AWFUL!
Susan says:
It’s a situation with so many variables that I don’t believe there is a ‘one size fits all’ approach to it.
That comic, for example; I don’t think it’s fair to have a cringing child that parents are rounding on, while the teacher looks on righteously, nor is it right with the roles reversed in the 2009 comic. Why is intimidation being glorified, like one of them must be the villain regardless of the details of the situation? Some kids are truly doing their best, as are some teachers. A struggling, embarrassed child shouldn’t be snarled at, nor a struggling teacher that’s tasked with handling numerous children. The approach is not productive, but is immensely stressful.
With that said, ‘I’m calling my lawyer’ over not liking a curriculum is absolutely ridiculous. ‘Brainwashing our kids’, oh yes. *sigh*
Heather says:
True! But it was the only thing I could find that illustrated this shift in all educational responsibility being placed on the teacher, when it’s truly a team effort between school, family, and child.
There’s definitely not a one-size approach, but I just can’t imagine a scenario where it would be beneficial to start things in a disrespectful way.
Susan says:
I figured it was just for illustrative purposes; you’re a pretty rational person. I agree starting off ready for a fight is a bad way to go.
Sharon says:
I needed to read this today. I’m navigating services for my baby but am probably approaching it in a less than ‘so nice’ way. I appreciate the reminder.
Nellie says:
I just wanted to comment on the fact that I loved this post. I am all for advocating for my child if I need to but bashing a teacher or principal is just nowhere near my radar. I know what my child is capable of, I know where her strengths are and where she is struggling or lacking in motivation. If I can work alongside the teacher to make learning that much more enjoyable and fulfilling for my daughter, I am all for it.
I truly loved your post and have fun with all your classroom duties — you Rock!
Melissa says:
This post is timely for me. Just this morning, I sent a heartfelt note of gratitude to my 3rd grader’s teacher – he just transitioned to a traditional public school from 7 years at a Montessori school and it’s been going better than we ever could have hoped (knock wood.) I know a lot of it is because of his teacher, so I emailed her to thank her and tell her how grateful we are that she is our son’s teacher. She responded with emotion, and that we made her day with our kind words. I spoke to my husband, and we discussed how teachers really have it hard these days – demanding parents, sheltered children who have rarely had to work hard enough to really earn their merits. Of course that is a huge generalization, but it’s happening. I hear stories all the time – even with college students, who have parents berating professors if their children do not receive As. COLLEGE students. REALLY? Luckily, I feel like the tide is turning a bit. Those of us who do not approach our children’s education really should take the time and make the effort to show our teachers our thanks and recognition.
Heather says:
What an awesome thing to do! I definitely need to make more time to thank people for doing a good job – too often, we only hear about the things we do wrong!
Deirdre says:
I worked in college administration for a long time at a health services University that had a combinatin of undergrad, grad and medical students. And you’d be surprised how often I dealt with the parents instead of the children (yes, FERPA applies to some things so there were often situations I could not talk to the parents about but that didn’t stop them from calling every. single. day.
Also, one of my best friends is a VP at a big pharma company and she’s had parents call her when their child interviewed for a job (a regular entry-level job, not internship) and didn’t get it. The parents wanted to know why. WOW.
Holly says:
My kids’ father teaches high school – practically once a week, a kid threatens “I’m going to get you fired” over some small infraction their special snowflake-ness disagrees with, and on at least two occasions it was followed up enough to almost get a board meeting on pure fabrications. It’s mind-boggling. These kids feel so entitled, and they know they have the backing of their parents and likely the administration as well. Ridiculous.
a says:
Oh goodness, absolutely education is a team effort! Children succeed because we as parents, their teachers, principals and all who are involved in their educational needs work together in the most positive form to make certain they can succeed.
We have a bit of a unique situation and all parties involved in my son’s schooling experience has been amazing! Gone above and beyond to help both him and I become familiar and comfortable enough to allow me to let him go to school. We touch base with his Principal and his security person daily and I absolutely know that when and if a situation arises I including every single person involved are there to work together to positively support him.
School is not only about obtaining a promising education but is the fundamental building blocks to succeed in life. You learn absolutely everything in school, from education to socialization, so I 100% agree with you Heather, it is both surprising at some parents reactions towards unfortunate situations their child/ren experience in school, and yes, schooling children is a team effort!
It doesn’t take a village only to raise children, it also takes a village to educate them, and to educate them well all the way up to success!
Brooke says:
I see some of this entitlement as a college professor, and my husband is an elementary school principa, so he gets his share of phone calls or passive-aggressive facebook posts that other parents will contact him to apologize for (like “this does not reflect on all the parents of students in this class”). It is baffling to think that people don’t realize educators and parents should definitely be on the same side and have the same goals. My husband does a good job of remembering that everyone usually has good intentions, but I find myself feeling indignant on his behalf!
Bianca says:
Reading this makes me want to cheer. I’m a teacher and it depresses me sometimes how parents don’t trust our recommendations and treat us like the lowest common denominator. Parents would take the professional advice of a doctor without a murmur and yet frequently see our professional advice as a matter for negotiation, or mere suggestion. It’s great to see that parents who are reasonable do exist!
Leslie says:
I know it feels like people will take the professional advice of a doctor without a murmur, but I can guarantee you that is not actually the case. People don’t trust anyone’s recommendations, despite years of training and experience. It is super frustrating.
Anna says:
Also a big no-no is going straight to the principal about something without discussing it with the teacher first! (I’m not saying that applies to your situation.) So many parents are out to get the teacher in trouble and don’t even bother talking to him or her first.
Rachel says:
I feel so badly any time I question a teacher, (I’m a teacher) because I feel like I’m automatically labeled as a “difficult parent.” Last year, my daughter was tested in reading and was at the 4th grade level. This year she was tested and was at the 3rd grade level. So I freaked out -worried about regression- and tested her (using tests that her school definitely doesn’t use) and found that the school test was inaccurate. I used 2 different tests and video taped myself because I was so paranoid that I was being biased. This inaccurate test was being used to LIMIT her from reading higher level books, so it was a big deal- to me. A parent told her, “You can only read up to 3rd grade. Put that book back.” While I could have easily gone mama bear on that situation, I wrote a note saying that I was initially worried about regression but did my own testing and found that wasn’t the case. I explained the tests I used, the scores I got, and offered to send a copy in for her files. I said that I was now worried about my daughter not being challenged and I’d like her to be reading books at her developmental reading level. I HATE saying anything, though. I’m sure that my email made the rounds from the teacher to the GT teacher, to the principal.
Leslie says:
What the hell? What kind of parent tells a kid they cannot read something? In first grade, my mom taught me to write my first name in cursive, so I went to school and wrote “Leslie” on the top of my paper in cursive. I was so proud of myself. The next day, the teacher came up to me and said told me I should not have done that, that I was not supposed to be able to write in cursive yet and needed to be printing. So I went home and told my mom that I needed to learn how to write ALL my names in cursive – first, middle, and last. And then the next day and for the rest of the week, I wrote my full name in cursive on every paper. Sometimes, telling kids they cannot do something academic JUST BACKFIRES.
Eileen says:
i agree!! I volunteer a LOT ( still working on that say no thing). I have quite a bit of interaction with the school. The teachers all know that if I am contacting them it is for a good reason. I don’t ask for them to be in class with their best friend or with a particular teacher. That is the school’s job to make those decisions. I never did projects for my kids either. They planned them, made a list and I drove them to the store for supplies if needed. Teaching them to be independent starts now.
aqua6 says:
Thank you for the teacher support. I taught for a few years and my mom taught for almost 40. It amazes and saddens me how much the mentality is against the teacher or school. How is this positive modeling for the child to see?
As for the parent who refuses to allow her child to do the Muslim homework, she doesn’t seem to know that it is part of the Social Studies curriculum for 7th grade in CA, along with other major religions. I taught 7th grade for only one year, and our textbook began with Muslim study. I can’t believe how much of an overreaction she had about it. It’s historical and can be informative to learn about other viewpoints besides our own.
Amanda says:
I’ve been around for years bur haven’t commented in a really long time. As a teacher, thank you for writing this, all too often it seems like parents have an us vs. them attitude and it is exhausting. The appreciative parents, which are most or many, tend to be the silent type. It’s nice when the appreciative parents speak up.
Rebecca says:
I taught elementary school and have had parents SCREAM at me. Once because their daughter (a kindergartner, who had been SUSPENDED several times already) had been removed from my room as she was physically and verbally violent. Again because I regularly conversed with a wonderfully patient mom whose typically well-behaved child was starting to be disrespectful. She brought in HER mom to scream at me. At one point, the grandmother yelled “You actually expect a second grader to show respect?” Why, yes, yes I do.
Since Annie’s in a K/1 split will she be going into a typical first grade class next year? I’d encourage first grade friendships, but make sure I’d get to know the kindergarten parents (especially those in her class) a bit more, since they’re more likely to be her classmates in the future.
Heather says:
UGH that sounds truly awful! My mouth is hanging open!
I am hopeful she will be in a regular first grade next year. It looks likely that there will be splits for the grade above hers all the way up, but I think she won’t have to be in another one for a few years, if ever (there are a LOT of kids in her grade, enough for every kid to only have to be in a split once). I completely agree with you, though! I am happy with her friendships (she’s always gotten along well with older kids), but I am definitely pursuing the K parents on my end!
Melissa says:
So agree with you! My husband and I were talking about the tragic shooting in Oregon last week and I was telling him people who act like THIS are part of the problem (of course, mental health, gun control, etc. are also problems.) But really, I feel like this type of parenting (no rules, having to make everything equal, my child is angel and can do no wrong) contributes to why some of these people go off the deep end. Of course, even if they are raised like that the majority won’t, but I can imagine it’s life altering to be raised with no rules and thinking you are the apple of everyone’s eye and then being thrown into the real world. There are rules and you are just one of the crowd. And in (most of these cases) you’re not even in the crowd. People freak when life isn’t handed to them on a platter and seek to get attention in terrible ways.
On a side note, teachers are awesome and shape our kids. I hope that when my son goes to school he has a teacher who is not afraid to tell him no and that he’s wrong.
Lisa says:
I adore you. I think my husband (who has been teaching for 18 years) is about over it….for all the reasons you and others listed above. And some others (administration not backing up the teachers to the bullying parents and getting on the teachers to get the numbers, not teach the kids). Yours and the other kind words mean so much to the teachers….thank you.
meg says:
It is the “everyone gets a trophy” culture…and it drives me CRAZY
Patricia says:
I had two children go through the school system. One represented the best of the system and the other..well, let’s say special needs. My daughter flew through school with flying colours and was that dream child a teacher wants. If it had just been her how different my view of the education system would be! My son however was not a trouble maker but had learning difficulties and was intellectually labelled “slow”. In order for him to receive the help he needed I had to become “that parent”. I never yelled and it was very discouraging to become the person the staff dreaded seeing. In spite of all my efforts I had to pull my son out of school in grade 8 for fear of his life; the teachers were so burdened with other seriously disturbed students that they just didn’t have the energy or time to help mine. I called the school board and told them they were mandated by law to provide a safe environment for my son and they had failed, therefore he would not be at any school until THEY found an acceptable solution. It took 3 weeks but the school board did find something that made a huge difference in his life. I almost lost my job because of the problems he had and it required contacting the human rights commission (here in Canada) to force my employer to stop their bullying tactics against me. The school system is a delicate balancing act and I feel for everyone involved in a situation where most are trying hard for the child involved. I got tired of my son’s schools telling me everything they couldn’t do and how much money anything special for him would cost and then they ganged up on me when I wouldn’t do as they requested. I was too worried about my son ~ he was threatening suicide. There are many sides to each story and perhaps we all need to look at the issues to come up with some sensible way of managing relations. My apologies for the lengthy post but you touched on something near and dear to my heart.
Jordan says:
So I was planning on being a teacher– then student teaching happened and I quit. It was awful, and as of now I have no intentions of being at the helm of a classroom again.
One of the things that stressed me out the most was dealing with parents. My mentor teacher had already had a parent complain about something in her syllabus ONE DAY into the school year. TWENTY FOUR HOURS!! Her response was very respectful and straightforward– she explained what the situation was and her reasons for it. She never responded. I asked her what she thought it meant, and she told me it probably meant she was going to go over her head to a principal.
Seriously. The problem? She sent home a permission slip for students to watch a clip of Supernatural in class (as it pertained to a short story they read in class, and she used it as part of her unit). THAT WAS IT. I was flabbergasted.
Teachers have a hard job, ON TOP of having a life/family outside of school. They’re trying the best they can. WHY would a parent try to make it worse? It’s one thing if it’s something detrimental to the child, or a student is being treated unfairly. But STILL!
That cartoon is one I’ve always not understood. Why are the teachers blamed for a child’s grades at ALL?!?! Teachers don’t just give out grades because that’s the grade they ‘feel’ like giving. STUDENTS. EARN. THEIR. GRADES. Teachers have a criteria (be it a key, rubric, etc.) and a child’s grade is earned best on how it fits in the criteria. It’s the teacher’s job to supply the tools for learning– but it’s up to the CHILD to learn them, and use them. Teachers can’t make your child get straight As on every assignment– it’s up to the student to work for those As. (and honestly- getting an A on everything isn’t the end goal. It’s mastering the knowledge. Hint hint… a B, and even sometimes a C means you know the knowledge. It means you can improve, sure, but at least with those grades, you know what is needed. Getting As on everything doesn’t mean you know everything).
I’m glad I got out of this profession when I did. (even if it means I have no clue what’s next! Lol).
Laura says:
As an elementary teacher, thank you for your attitude!! Teaching is such a hard job and I think a lot of people just see that we work 8-3 (I wish! If that were true it would be magical) and have summers “off” (yes, but also unpaid). I’ve already had some exceptionally difficult parents to work with in my very short teaching career, and that is one of the hardest parts of the job. Parents who think their child should be my one and only focus, and whatever they want is the way it should be.