Remember that movie starring Arnold Schwartzenegger and Danny Devito? No, I’m not speaking of their smash hit, “Twins,” but the craptastic bomb they made next, “Junior.” In “Junior” Arnie played a scientist who, for science-y reasons, undergoes a male pregnancy. Yesterday I stumbled across the movie on cable and it got me thinking… if given the opportunity, would I like to be pregnant?
A lot of men would run for the hills if asked to carry a baby for nine months, but not me. Being pregnant actually has its share of perks:
You Can’t Be Called Fat
Not only can you not be called fat, but if anyone dares to make a comment about your size they will be subjected to an endless stream of outrage on your behalf. That would be a welcome change from my life now, when my buddies are quick to make a wisecrack the minute I put on a pound or ten. The jerks.
Spouse At Your Beck and Call
When you’re pregnant you can make requests of your spouse that would be deemed totally ridiculous under normal circumstances – like going to the supermarket at four a.m. to fetch you a snack. Instead of asking for the random stuff like avocado and pie that the pregnant Heather asks for, I would make her bring me double-doubles from In-N-Out.
Eating For Two
If I were pregnant I could explain my love of double-doubles by saying I was …eating for two. That would be way better than now when I have to say I am …eating for a fat guy.
Stretchy Pants in Public
When a pregnant woman wears stretchy pants in public people think, “Hey, she needs to be comfortable! Good for her!” When I wear stretchy pants in public, well, let’s just say no one says, “Good for him!”
Feeling of Superiority Over Friends
I can imagine the following conversation:
“Hey, Bert. What are you doing right now?”
“Making a sandwich.”
“A sandwich, huh? Well, I’m MAKING A BABY!”
Check mate. Booyah.
Of course, being pregnant is not without its drawbacks:
Nausea
Heather threw up every day of her pregnancies with both our girls. That not only sounds terrible, but it sounds like it would put a serious damper on my enjoyment of my beloved double-doubles.
Back Pain, Hemorrhoids, Stretch Marks
Yikes. Pregnancy treats your body like a blond-headed stepchild in a family of red heads. But with all of that punishment I would at least sleep soundly at night, right?
Trouble Sleeping
Pregnancy makes sleeping a war; a war you have to be prepared for – don’t even think about going to bed with any less than four pillows and a fan on. The only good thing about not sleeping is that it is totally appropriate to wake your spouse in the middle of the night to complain about it. At least that’s how it seems in our house.
Random People Accost You
Random people everywhere will suddenly start touching your stomach whenever you are in public. Even worse than that, crazy old ladies will stop you when you are in a hurry to tell you about each of their seven pregnancies.
Pain Of Giving Birth
Apparently pushing the baby out of your orifice is somewhat painful.
So, considering all of that, would I do it? The answer is yes (with one caveat I will explain) and it is mainly because of one perk I failed to mention above:
Growing A Human Inside You
Most men are probably afraid to say just how awesome this is, but I will – it is awesome with a capital “A.” We men watch you ladies with awe (and a little jealousy) as you create this little person who we are going to spend the rest of our lives loving. Sadly, even the most attentive husband can never be anything more than a co-pilot in the process.
Now for the caveat… though I would like to carry a baby, I’m pretty sure women are better suited for it than men. Women live longer than their counterparts, and a key reason for this is because they go to the doctor more. Why do women go to the doctor more? Because, as opposed to men, they are in tune with their bodies, and I would bet they are in tune with the little body growing inside of them too.
Of course, until science catches up with the world envisioned by Danny Devito and Arnold Schwartzenegger, my carrying any future Spohr babies isn’t even an option. Don’t blame me, Heather. Blame science!
Ali says:
This made me teary eyed to read (pregnancy horror-moans!).
Anyway, your stretchy pants bit touched on this – my husband commented about not liking fitted tops on himself. He asked why I liked fitted tops, and I said that I had REASON while pregnant to be the size I am. It’s fun to show it off and know there’s a person in there and no one can say I’ve had too much to eat (even if I have, haha).
I love the last bit of this. Mike, you’re awesome.. Being able to say what you have only makes you a better dad and husband, I bet.
Becca_Masters says:
I love your “pregnant” photos Mike. They made me chuckle this morning.
Lea says:
Funny!
I can see how husbands can get a bit jealous of their pregnant wives.
Jenn says:
Aaahhhh, my poor, poor friend!!! Feel better soon!!! Jenn xo
Jenn says:
OOOHh Crap… .I put this in the wrong spot howeve, I guess if you REALLY WERE pregnant – there would definitely be times when I would “Feel Better Soon”!!! Ha ha ha
Jenn
P.S. Please tell Heather to feel better soon!!! Ha ha
Melanie says:
This was sweet.
Leslie says:
You forgot to mention the joys of the baby tap-dancing on your bladder at random intervals. Like when you’re standing in line with a full grocery cart and suddenly you need to make a mad dash for the ladies room because a little foot is doing the watusi on your pelvic floor. Fun times, my friend.
But yes, you are absolutely right — it’s an amazing thing to grow an actual human being in your own body. I still remember how awesome it was to realize that there was a little person inside of my own body, being created miraculously out of teeny tiny cells, into a real live baby! Wow, that fact still completely amazes me.
The vomiting though, I didn’t find that so awesome…
Katie Gonzalez says:
People ask me when my husband and I are going to have a baby… I tell them we will when he can carry a child, just like the male seahorse does I think it’s funny (we’re saltwater aquarium addicts). My mother in law? Not-so-much.
Rebecca says:
Eeeww, eeewww, eeeewwww!! You just reminded me of this guy who used to come into this place where I worked (movie theater) and he was only slightly overweight but always wore stretchy pants and you could always ALWAYS see the outline of his ‘man stuff’. *shutters* I need to go bathe my eyes in bleach now.
AngieM. says:
your maternity shoot is pretty fantastic.
Kristen McD says:
High, round belly. Looks like a boy! lol
Pattie says:
Awesome post with even more awesome photos. I know my husband would second what you said about the awesomeness of growing a human inside you. As much as he enjoyed feeling Coraline kick and hiccup, it wasn’t the same for him as it was for me. Although I think if science ever does facilitate male pregnancy, he’d probably pass. For my sanity’s sake, I’d hope he would, lol.
Jennifer says:
I totally love this post. Not that that fact makes it different from any of Mike’s other posts.