Full disclosure: Once upon a long time ago I used to be a teenage boy. Despite this, I recently crossed paths with a number of teenage boys and made the shocking discovery that teenage boys are THE MOST ANNOYING PEOPLE IN THE WORLD.
The first teenage boy to annoy me is the bag boy at our new supermarket. This kid is the definition of awkward – gangly, suffering from acne, and sporting braces so large that you see them before him. For some reason that is unclear to me, this kid talks to me at great length whenever I drop by. Here’s an excerpt from the last time I went in:
AWKWARD KID (bagging a container of pico de gallo): “This stuff is so good. I just discovered it. You know how I discovered it? By going to Taco Bell. They’ve got these new tacos, called cantina tacos or something, and I got one, and it had all this stuff in it. I said to my Dad, ‘What’s this stuff?’ And he said it’s called pico de gallo. And I was like, ‘I don’t think I’m gonna like it, but he said it was good, and so I ate it, and it was really good. Do you like Taco Bell?”
ME: “Uh, sure.”
AWKWARD KID: “Me too. It’s like so good. I went to Del Taco with my Dad, and I asked them if they had pico de gallo, and they said they didn’t. I couldn’t believe it. I totally thought that since they are sort of like Taco Bell that maybe they’d have pico de gallo too, but they didn’t.
He went on from there for another ten minutes. All about pico de gallo.
The next teenage boys to cross my path sat behind me at a screening of “Warrior.” The movie is about Mixed Martial Arts (the element that likely attracted the teenage boys), but has a lot of serious drama mixed in. In one scene the wife of one of the main characters rises from bed in her underwear and proceeds to have a tear filled conversation with her husband about the possibility of their home being foreclosed on. In the middle of this tense scene I suddenly heard:
TEENAGE BOY 1: “Dude! She’s in her underwear! Check out her butt!”
TEENAGE BOY 2: “Nice! Hey! Imagine if she farted right now! Ha ha ha!”
TEENAGE BOY 1: “That would be so funny! Like if all of a sudden she was all, ‘BRRRAAAPPPP!!!”
TEENAGE BOYS 1 & 2: HA, HA, HA, HA!”
Ugh. Is it possible that I was once that annoying? If so, I think I need to call my parents to apologize.
The good news is that I won’t have to spend much time around any teenage boys for quite some time. Unfortunately, when I do, it will with the most annoying of them all… the teenage boy who is interested in my daughter.