I no longer drink, and, most days, I am totally fine with that. On the days that I attend a wedding, however, being a non-drinker becomes a whole heck of a lot harder. Luckily, I have discovered a number of tricks to survive the eight hours among an open bar and hundred plus drunken guests. Here are a few that got me through my friends Kim and Tim’s incredible wedding this weekend!
TRICK #1: Eat, eat, eat. While other guests use the occasion as an excuse to act like an alcoholic, I use it as an excuse to act like a foodaholic! The minute the ceremony finished this weekend, for example, I planted myself outside the kitchen and laid in waiting for the servers to appear with the appetizers. Soon I was gorging on deviled eggs, mac and cheese bites, and pulled pork sliders! Mmmm. Wedding appetizers. They might be my favorite food in the world.
Pro tip – If at some point a server doesn’t say to you, “Sir, we have other guests to serve too,” then you aren’t eating enough!
TRICK #2: Keep eating! Think of all the calories you are saving by skipping the fattening booze, then give yourself permission to keep pigging out long after the appetizer hour is finished.
Pro tip – During dinner sit, if possible, next to an empty seat like I did this weekend. The staff set a steak down in front of it, and guess who got to polish off this extra meal? This guy!
TRICK #3: Play detective! Drunk people tend to say things they will regret later, and the non-drinker will be clear headed enough to remember each and every one of them! Be a good listener and you will have plenty of juicy gossip to regale your friends with for weeks to come… “Guess what Doug admitted last night? He has hair plugs!”
Pro tip – A good detective will also use his or her cell phone to snap embarrassing photos of drunk friends making a fool of themselves on the dance floor.
TRICK #4: Be a cabbie! – Driving drunk party guests home not only keeps your friends safe, but they often offer gas money! Money for gas these days is a very, very good thing.
Pro tip – Stick sick bags in your car’s seat back pockets. They are a must when transporting very full and drunk party guests.
TRICK #5: Impress the bride and groom! Instead of having to say, “Your wedding was awesome… what I remember of it,” your sobriety allows you to to mention actual details about how great the wedding was the next time you see the bride and groom. “Your grandfather’s toast after dinner? So touching...”
Pro tip – Bring a pad and paper to take notes. If you’re gonna butter up the newlyweds you might as well go all out!