I was eating a bowl of cereal at our kitchen counter when Annie shuffled up to me boasting an adorable, “cat that ate the canary” smile. I immediately smiled myself and said, “Uh-oh. That is quite a face you’ve got there. Whatcha up to, sweetie?”
Annie lifted a crinkled photo from her side and said, “Look, Dadda. It’s Maddie!”
As Heather discussed yesterday, Annie has grown tall enough to snatch things she shouldn’t from counter tops, and in this case she had trailed off into our master bedroom where we keep Maddie’s urn on a table surrounded by a few of her photos, and stretched her fingers out as far as possible to snag this one:
Upon seeing Maddie’s photo all mucked up and crinkled I snatched it away and snapped, “No, Annie! Not Maddie!”
Annie’s smile disappeared and her eyes opened wide as saucers. I immediately felt terrible. Though the photo of Maddie was a beloved, meaningful one, it was still just a photo… one we have on the computer and can easily re-print.
If Annie’s big sister was off playing in another room when this happened I never would have reacted the way I did, but she’s not in the next room. When you lose a child seemingly insignificant mementos take on a greater meaning because they are among the few things you have left of your child. And so, with so little of Maddie left, a photo of her is important.
But it’s not so important that I should snap at Annabel over it. Annie is discovering Maddie… her sister… and though she doesn’t understand what that means just yet, she is interested in this beautiful, big-eyed, smiling little girl.
Annie’s coming to grips with having a sister who passed away is not going to be easy. It will be hard for her to wrap her little head around, and she will need to do some grieving of her own too. As her parent it is my job to help her through all of this, but flipping out when her curiosity leads her to do something harmless like take a photo she’s not supposed to doesn’t help.
It’s all very difficult. I don’t want Annie to ever feel like the fact her older sister died hurt her relationship with me in any way. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this, and resolved a million times over never to be the damaged Dad who creates bad memories for her. But now we are getting to the point where she is old enough to start understanding who Maddie is, and I’m already screwing up.
I have more work to do, I guess. There is so much emotion wrapped up in all of this. I just know that when all is said and done I need to make sure that Annie loves me and her sister without holding any hard feelings.
Colleen says:
Don’t be too hard on yourself. And print Annie her own Maddie photos.
Megan@TrueDaughter says:
Great idea – put them in some sort of safe, yet durable book like those “Who Loves Baby” books.
Lynnette says:
I agree with printing Annie her own set of pictures. I have printed several of our family and laminated them for my daughter to take on sleepovers to Grammy’s house so she doesn’t miss us as much. She can’t harm them as easily that way. She cherishes that they are her pictures to do with as she pleases.
Molly says:
Hey Mike, don’t beat yourself ip about it–it was just a natural reaction. I’ve certainly had moments like that where over much less important things. Annie won’t remember it in the long run and you’ll react more carefully next time.
Really gorgeous picture of Maddie, by the way. I’m so sorry she’s not here.
Leah says:
That’s a beautiful photo of Maddie I am sure that next time you won’t respond like this, you won’t get caught so unawares. I know myself as the kids get older and find new ways to encroach on things I’d rather they didn’t, I sometimes overreact the first time something happens and that’s for things that aren’t so emotionally charged.
Molly says:
Well, that was full of typos! Please excuse.
johannamaria says:
I also think it would be good to print Annie her own Maddie photos that she can look at and talk about. Maybe it would be hard at first to see the photos all wrinkled up in her little hands or lying on the floor after she decided to do something else instead, but then again maybe that’ll help Annie to accept her older sister as a natural part of her life, as someone who always is there with your family? I don’t know, it’s just a thought. I would imagine that if everything Maddie -related is protected and out of her reach somehow, she would have an even harder time wrapping her head around it all.
And I know exactly what you mean by some things carrying an enormous emotional value, so much so that it feels bad even thinking about the thing not being treated respectively enough. As it happens, I just took something away from my 1 year old’s hands this morning for the very same reason, and felt the same way you did. Hugs to you all.
Amber says:
I think Annie having her own photos of Maddie is a great idea. Maybe you could laminate them to reducing the bending/wrinkling??
Carole W says:
I think printing Annie her own photos of Maddie is a very good idea. And to stop them getting too crinkled and messed up, put them in a baby album (http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_1_10?url=search-alias%3Dbaby-products&field-keywords=soft+photo+album&sprefix=soft+photo%2Caps%2C390). Then Annie gets her own Maddie to carry around with her and love.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s natural that Maddie’s things are special to you, and when she gets older they will be just as special to Annie.
Ginny says:
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Why don’t you let Annie choose some pictures off the computer, print them out, and make a little book for her to have?
J.A. says:
First, don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s a natural reaction. Second though….please be careful about wanting Annie to “love Maddie.” One of my daughter’s best friends was born after the tragic death of a sibling. She has confessed to my daughter many times that she feels terribly guilty for not having any feelings for her brother who she never met. Her parents have kept his memory alive and for them and the siblings who knew him this has been important. He appears in picturs throughout their house. They talk about him. They have a charity set up in his memory. But it is very hard to love someone you don’t know and never knew and it has taken a toll on her trying to do that.
Jen says:
I agree with J.A. above. My parents lost twin girls 4 years before I was born. I feel terrible for this, but I don’t love them. I don’t know them…at all. I do love my parents and feel horrible for there loss and certainly understand THEIR love for the girls. The only grieving I did was feeling sad for them…not necessarily sad that I’d lost anything. It would have been much harder if I’d felt my parents wanted me to feel something I didn’t.
liz says:
Totally agree with Jen- my inlaws lost their first child before their other three were born. My husband never grieved the loss because it wasn’t his loss, it was his parents’ loss. He never missed his sister, because he never had her as a sister. He is sad for his parents, and I think that is what Annie will feel too. I think Annie will follow your lead with how she approaches Maddie, but don’t be so hard on yourself!!!
Mommy says:
I never thought about it like this…. what an interesting point. I guess I never considered what that would be like, to feel like you needed to love a sibling that you never knew.. But though there might not be love in the sense of loving people like the love we all know, she might grow to love learning about Maddie through the stories and videos on here, like so many of us who have grown so found of both girls and feel like we know them… do we “love” them? Maybe not, but we love what we do know about them, and we love learning about their lives….
OT, but my very best friend lost her husband in Iraq; he never got to meet their son… their little boy is now in grade school and though he didn’t know his father, he talks all the time about how he loves him and misses him… maybe he means he misses the idea of him or what he has learned about him over the years, or that he will always be a part of him…he may love him in a different way than those that knew him for years, just as Annie may love Maddie in a way that is different than those that were lucky enough to know her, but is love nonetheless. I know I’m rambling, probably not making much sense at all, and in no way am I saying that you aren’t totally correct~ it would be wise to not put expectations on anyone, especially children, for how they might feel about someone who passed before they were even born. I just wanted to respond I guess, because your comment made me think. I wish no one ever had to experience the heartbreak of loved ones passing so young. It’s not right.
Jen says:
@Mommy, I think you raise a good point, and everyone is different. However, I think losing a parent before you are born is different than losing a sibling. You would feel that hold in your life…like something is missing. With siblings…it’s not quite the same if you never met them. I ended up having two younger brothers and didn’t feel like I missed out on anything.
Mommy says:
Yes, true. Thank you for sharing your story and experience. I love the community that follows this blog because I learn a lot from the comments as well as each post.
Stacy says:
I agree with these ladies, I was my parents first successful pregnancy after they lost my sister 3 years prior. I can honestly I never have never felt love for her, or never felt a sharp loss because she isn’t here. I have sometimes wondered what life would have been like with an older sister, and still do sometimes. And don’t worry, you won’t mess up with Annie because of it. My parents grieved her loss, they still grieve her 29 years later, and having lost a child changed the way they parented, but not in a bad way. My mom was more careful, my dad was more involved than other dad I’ve ever known. Now, my mom worries more, and my dad has a huge fear of one of us going through the same thing, he is terrified with every new pregnancy, but it isn’t a negative to me.
If people ask how many siblings I have, I include her in the number, and if they seem confused I explain. My kids know that Granna and Grandpa lost their daughter before me, and that I am named after her. The biggest impact the entire thing has had on my life was making me more aware that tragedy happens, that sometimes babies and children pass away too early and that it can happen to anyone, any family. It stays with me, always in the back and on the edges of my mind, but I don’t think that is bad, it is just reality.
I am sorry if anything came out harshly, it certainly wasn’t intended that way. I haven’t lost a child, so I only know what I grew up with, but I have walked in Annie’s shoes, so I have some insight.
Pattie says:
You’re only human, Mike. I imagine most of us would’ve reacted the same way. Don’t beat yourself up too much over this.
Tammy M. says:
You are the best dad! Just your awareness is amazing.
Kay says:
The other day on Pinterest (I’m addicted now. Thanks Heather) I found a little photo book for kids that’s printed on thick cardboard so that they can’t bend it. Great idea, and might be worth looking into so that Annie can have her Maddie photos without worrying about them being mangled.
Lindsay C says:
I love the idea of printing her her own set of photos. You could even make them into a special book that’s just for her. And don’t feel bad about snapping- you would probably have a similar reaction if she came in holding something fragile. It’s a precious item and it’s important that she does learn what she can and can’t play with (even if she can reach it). xoxoxo
Joanna says:
hi mike, have you and heather seen these:
http://www.pintsizeproductions.com
they are make-your-own board books. i’ve ordered one for my son and LOVE it because they’re indestructible!!!! maybe make one with family pictures so Annie can have it all to herself?
hang in there
Staci says:
I screw up everyday and I never went through what you did. Let this one roll off. We learn from our children everyday; so just use this instance as a lesson learned. Your daughters are both so beautiful.
Mommy says:
Yes, this. Never does a day go by that I don’t do something wrong with my little ones. We do learn from them everyday, and I think it’s important for them to see that they aren’t the only ones figuring stuff out as they go!
Mike, you are doing an amazing job. Just the fact that you are so present and aware of every move you make in order to better your sweet Annie’s life, shows that she is one lucky girl to have a daddy like you! Please don’t be so hard on yourself. If you are still upset, maybe you could explain to Annie that you feel sad about your reaction and that you know she didn’t mean to not be gentle with your very special picture of Maddie. Maybe she won’t understand what you are saying, but she might get some of the language, and it might be a great way to model discussing feelings and remorse about our actions. Just a thought!
Love to you, Spohr family!!
susanmig says:
i agree with the others – don’t be so hard on yourself. easier said than done, right? with that said, you’ll do what you said – use this as a learning experience on how to react (not OVERreact) next time.
letting annie have access to some of her own “maddie photos” would be great. although, she’s going to continue to reach for things up high…please make sure maddie’s urn is out of reach. not sure if anyone mentioned that yet…
peace to you and heather…
Glenda says:
Mike,
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Annie caught you off guard and that’s the way you reacted. Next time you won’t! And I agree with the other comment… print some Maddie photo’s for Annie to hold and carry around.
When my hubby was active duty and deployed for 4 mos my daughter age 2 (at the time) had a photo of her and her dad she carried around, slept with etc… great idea…. Beautiful photo of Maddie.
Madi says:
I can relate to Annie’s perspective, as I too have an older sister who passed away before I was born.
Like Annie, I became very curious about her around this age. My mom took the photos to a T-shirt printing shop and had them printed onto small 5 or 6 inch squares. She then sewed them into a quilt, intermingled with squares of girly fabrics, most of which were created from of my sister’s clothing items (outfits that were our version of your “Quintessential Maddie” things that you’ve discussed in the past.) Lots of the patches are from clothing items that are in the photos — I really just loved that as a child!
Perhaps it sounds kind of tacky, but it’s actually really gorgeous with all sorts of fancy stitching and buttons and decorations and words. (Albeit very faded since it’s nearly 30 years old! I’d love to get the photos re-done, but it would entail a lot of decorative re-stitching.)
I loved it as a child and I treasure it as an adult. I was never able to hug my sister, but this made me feel closer to her, like I could tote her around with me. It was a tangible little piece of my sister that I could touch, hug, cuddle, examine and so forth.
My mom made a second larger quilt for herself, made from her clothing. I saved my grandmother’s clothing when she passed away; I’d love to find the time to turn it into a memory quilt!
Perhaps this is a project to consider for Annie? If she’s anything like me, a cuddly quilt beats a stiff photo album any day!
Oh, and one of the others mentioned something above and I wanted to touch upon the point. He/she said that you don’t want to keep all Maddie-related items up on a high shelf, out of Annie’s reach. My parents did that for a while and it was awful. I was so curious about my sister, but that “off limits” nature of her photos, special toys, etc. made my sister’s memory feel off limits. It was much better once my parents started discussing her more, allowing me to examine her photos and belongings, and so forth. It made me feel like I sort of knew her, whereas I never had that feeling when everything was kept up on a high shelf.
Best to you all, Spohrs!
Madi
Sue says:
I think that we all, being in the same situation, and caught off guard, would have probably reacted in the very same way, Mike. I, too, think that it would be a wonderful idea for Annie to have her very own beautiful Maddie album to look at, and if she wants to take out some pictures and carry them around with her,,that would be great! Maybe take her into a store and let her pick out her very own album, and tell her that’s where her Maddie pictures will be.
twingles says:
That was the first time something like that happened, and one can only imagine your thoughts. Don’t beat yourself up – it’s too heartbreaking as it is. I like the idea someone posted to print Annie some photos of Maddie that she can do with as she pleases – maybe she would like that!
Tina says:
When we lose a loved one, each memory becomes a treasure… I don’t blame you, you are only human and Annie will understand.
Karen says:
Kids Annie’s age are also looking for attention. They love to get it, negatively or positively. So, by taking the time to show her the photo and talk about Maddie, you will eliminate the risk of her doing something more to shock you.
Melli says:
People had great suggestions. Can’t imagine how hard this must be.
Kayla says:
As other have said, please don’t be so hard on yourself – you’re a grieving father who reacted on impulse. You’re not screwing anything up at all – who said there was a handbook for this shit? It’s ugly and messy and you will be navigating these rocky grounds for life, so don’t think for a moment you have to know everything there is to know and to say the “perfect” thing about dealing with how to cultivate a healthy relationship between Annie and Maddie, and you and Annie. You are learning. That is okay.
And as a side note, perhaps you and Heather should consider moving Maddie’s urn to a place out of Annie-reach? A photo you can reprint, as you said, but her urn. . .I don’t like to think about what could happen if she managed to get at it.
As always, love to your whole stinkin’ family.
jjr says:
I can’t speak for your loss so I don’t know how you feel but like others my first thought was to let her have her own prints. I can’t imagine how you’d feel to see them mistreated because I can’t stand to see pictures of my own kids mutilated, it’s almost like it’s happening to the kids! But then I tell myself that I’m crazy and it’s just a picture, but I don’t know if YOU can do that so I’m not making assumptions. We have a “picture drawer” in our living room that has always had photos of friends and family in it and I do have to say my k ids would always look at the pictures and put them right back in the drawer. They are worn and creased from looking, and have funny edges from nibbling, but the kids always knew that photos are sacred somehow.
Trisha says:
I was going to suggest the same thing as others up above have. Maybe get Annie her own little photo album where she can have several of her own pictures of Maddie and look at it whenever she wants to.
Don’t be so hard on yourself Mike, you and Heather a doing a beautiful job with Annie.
amanda says:
First of all, I absolutely adore that picture. Second of all – you’re doing your very best. Please try not to be hard on yourself.
Hope says:
I just wanted to add that I adore that picture. What an absolutely gorgeous baby.
Pauline says:
Wonderful ideas about everyone above re: Annie having her own Maddie photos.
I just wanted to add that your reaction will not necessarily have made a bad association to Maddir for Annie. It’s reactions like these that will teach her that some things are out of bounds, whether because they are YOUR things or are dangerous, and she is at the age where she must learn such boundaries.
Mommy says:
I just wanted to add, though Annie will most likely not even remember your reaction to her holding that picture, one day she will be old enough to see this blog- she will see that you felt bad about it and that you wrote about it, because you are such an amazing dad and were worried that you did something wrong. What an amazing gift this is- a way for her to go back in time and see your thoughts and feelings as you experienced them. I hope I am making sense- I just mean that if I could go back and see pictures and read the thoughts of my parents from when I was little, I would cherish that. You are both doing a great job; it is clear just how much you adore your daughters, and I am so glad that Annie will always have a way to go back and re-live all the beautiful memories you are creating for her.
Alexandra :) says:
I understand how it would be upsetting for you to see a messed up photo of Maddie, but at the same time I think it’s adorable that Annie was so excited about her! Maybe you should give Annie her own photo of Maddie and laminate it or something so she can’t mess it up.
elizabeth says:
Everyone had such amazing ideas. We did the book idea for the kids at the center, one sweet boy missed his mama so much he slept with it at naptime.
We lost my dad five years ago this year and because my sibling was young my mom made us bears out of his clothing to help her cope. She could take her daddy everywhere, even to bed at night. Mines made out of his sweater
Stephanie F says:
You two are both great parents. Part of Annie understanding Maddie is how her big sister impacts your life too. By sharing your tears, fears and frustrations, you will only make Maddie more present for her. Blessings.