Here’s the thing, ladies. I really like you. For real. Cross my heart and pinky swear. (Note to self: I should really stop pinky swearing.) In fact, I think we’ve all become pretty good friends here so much so that I almost feel like one of the girls. Um, just to clarify, I don’t actually feel like a girl. I mean that I feel like one figuratively. You know what? Scratch the whole “Mike feels like a girl” thing.
Ahem. Moving on.
I like the guys who drop by here too, by the way. So much so that I almost feel like one of the guys. Wait a minute. That came out wrong. I AM one of the guys. I wasn’t trying to imply that I’m not a man.
Crap, this post is off to a very awkward beginning, but I am way too tired to start over so let me just cut to the chase, ladies. Today’s post may offend some of you. Here’s why:
I don’t get you.
I know, I know. Guys always say that. But this new confusion stems from something a lot weirder than the fact you like to shop too much or ask us if your butt looks fat in your jeans even though you already know it does and you’re just hoping we will say yes so you can yell at somebody over the fact your butt looks big.
The reason I don’t get you is because of what you watch on daytime television.
Now before we get too far into this I need to make a disclaimer: I know you ALL don’t watch this stuff, but it ain’t aimed at dudes. It’s aimed at ladies – and SOME of you must be watching or it wouldn’t be on the air.
So here’s the thing. I need some things explained. I pray you can help because this stay at home Dad is very confused.
THING CONFUSING TO A DUDE #1: THE LAST HOUR OF THE TODAY SHOW
What exactly do you enjoy about Kathy Lee Gifford and that chick named Yoda or whatever sitting around yammering? And why does every episode need to spend fifteen minutes discussing how some formerly fat lady lost weight?
THING CONFUSING TO A DUDE #2: THE MARTHA STEWART SHOW
It’s about a boring woman who won’t stop talking about making crafts, gardening, and cooking. FOR AN HOUR!!! EVERY DAY!!! How much do you need to know about making crafts? Fo’ real, ladies.
THING CONFUSING TO A DUDE #3: THE ELLEN DEGENERES SHOW
I should start by saying that I actually like this show, but for the love of all that is holy will someone please explain to me what is happening during the first five minutes when Ellen and about five hundred ladies start freaking each other? I mean if I was at The Tonight show and all of a sudden Jay started shaking it to “Love Shack” I would be weirded out. ESPECIALLY if he got right up next to me and shook his butt in my face. Every day I stare with an open mouth at this weirdness until it mercifully ends.
Please, please, please, ladies. Explain this stuff to me. If you do I promise I will totally help you understand Cops, Married With Children, and NASCAR.
Daddy Dan says:
I hope they can explain the appeal of Maury Povich while they’re at it, although I love the paternity test shows I’ve seen.
Daddy Dans last blog post..The Bathtime from Hell
Surfer Jay says:
Thank God I have a few months worth of recorded X Games, Olympics, and now Political Conventions to kep me from getting sucked into these fantastic tv shows now that my stay-at-home-dadness officially started last week since Lilly went back to work. Yeah did you see that one paternity test where……well we won’t get into that here.
Surfer Jays last blog post..The Boys First What?
Well, the last hour of the Today show is actually an elaborate charade designed to communicate with our alien home planet. Martha Stewart, as I suspect you already know, is not a crafter, she is an international spy/criminal and uses her fame, street cred (as established by the insider trading scandal) and insane skill with knitting needles to steal and sell the secrets of America. She broadcasts the information in secret messages via her one hour show each day. Ellen Degeneres is actually Martha’s mortal enemy. Her bump & grind routine at the beginning of her show is designed to cripple Martha. It’s like her Kryptonite.
But watch out. Now that you know, either Martha or Ellen will be ninja-ing your ass soon. Prepare to die. Probably via knitting needles. Or maybe some sweet shoelaces. I hear Ellen likes shoelaces.
iMommys last blog post..Why Do We Crave Attention?
Ms. Moon says:
Women just like to dance with each other. It’s the way of the women. Don’t try to analyze. Just enjoy.
Ms. Moons last blog post..Tropical Storm Fay, Where Are You Today?
I was amazed there was no reference to any soap operas!
Well, maybe it’s more older ladies that watch these show? Because I think I can honestly say I’ve never in my life watched Today or Martha, and Ellen maybe a half a dozen times. I like that she wears sneakers with suits.
Kathie Lee makes me want to kill myself. But I do love Martha, mostly because she’s done time. I actually didn’t know she had a daytime show. I might have to check it out.
jennis last blog post..Ten Years
Have you ever seen that family guy clip when “The View” comes on and instead of talking they are making chicken noises? That is how you must feel.
To be honest, I have never actually seen the Martha Stewart Show. I have just passed by on my way to Tru TV or A&E to watch my stories (Cold Case Files or whatever disturbing murder mystery happens to be on). I do, however, stop on The Mike and Juliet Show from time to time.
Rachels last blog post..Underwear
Sleep Deprivation Ninja says:
Confusing thing #4: What’s with E!?
I get lost when my wife starts talking about Angie and how she’s having troubles… I start thinking, “who do I know named Angie? Is that one of her old work friends…? THINK NINJA. TIME RUNNING OUT!” Then I feel guilty for not remembering someone who is obviously one of her closest buddies, until she drops the bomb:
“You know, Brad and Angelina…”
Sleep Deprivation Ninjas last blog post..Who is Sleep Deprivation Ninja?
I’m a girl but I can’t really help you figure out what is up with those shows as I can’t figure it out myself. I do occasionally enjoy the Ellen Show but since I hate dancing I’ve never been able to get my mind around the beginning of the show! And don’t even get me started on those soap operas that fill up the afternoon, ugh.
Lisas last blog post..Adoption Options
i don’t watch the last hour of the today show.
i’ve never watched martha stewart.
and the first five minutes of the Ellen Degeneres show bugs the crap out of me. the dancing. oh. my. god. the dancing.
(but i do watch the young and the restless, though)
alis last blog post..things that only happen to me. also? why i download
I cannot stand Kathie Lee- but my mother on the other hand- LOVES HER. I guess it’s a bit more appealing to older women.Like someone once said- you either love her or hate her- I choose to hate her.
Martha- I watched/ was forced to watch this show daily when I wa son hospital bedrest. She is so robotic. I dislike her and she always makes me feel horrible about myself that I cant make a hand puppet out of a oven mit.
Ellen- I like her- but I too do not watch the dancing,
mayas last blog post..I’m sick
Dude…..I wish I could help you out on this one, but…..why do you think I started blogging while I was out on maternity leave? 12 weeks of daytime TV, that’s why!
No matter how much is explained, you will never understand. Don’t even try. If you ever find yourself understanding, you may eventually end up wondering what’s on next on the Lifetime channel.
Jims last blog post..How to kill your IT Department plus the seperate topic of Kindergarten
I don’t have any idea about the first one. I don’t even watch the last hour..its pointless and I want to yak anytime I see Kathi Lee on tv. She is just wrong in so many ways. Martha has so good ideas, but I can’t wait that more than once every couple of weeks. Ellen is great, the dancing is because she likes to dance…so she does I guess, it is a little annoying but the people dancing are hilarious sometimes. And there are men there too
What I get tired of is all the old people commercials. Like damn life insurance no matter what your age or medical condition, having my meds delivered, willford bremley (sp?) saying “DIABEETUS” and the stupid lady who falls over and pushes the little button around her neck to call for help. whew, I feel better. Thanks
can’t write obviously so to correct myself I meant “Martha has SOME good ideas” and “I can’t WATCH that more…” See what happens when I get over excited about daytime tv? ha!
Andrea's Sweet Life says:
The only one of those shows I’ve ever watched is Ellen’s, and I’m not quite sure what’s up with the dancing, either. It’s been probably 3 or 4 years since I watched it, but back in-the-day, she’d just dance her way over to her chair. Maybe viewers requested to be butt-bumped?
And, DUDE, I totally didn’t take you for a NASCAR fan. I’m hoping it doesn’t change the way I look at you.
Don’t watch any of them, mostly because I work during the day. But I too am surprised you didn’t bring up soaps!!! I am a former Days of our Lives watcher, and while on vacation last week, watched a minute or two of it. Now its been at LEAST 10 years since i’ve watched it and I SWEAR the storylines/people are STILL the same now as back then!!!
I can’t stand 1 and 2. When I was home the Today show went off before that last hour. And I’ve never liked stuffy Martha. But, I do like Ellen. She knows how to have fun. But, my favorite background TV stuff has to be HGTV. I could watch all those shows for hours and hours.
Loris last blog post..Blogtations
I can’t help you on this one, dude. I don’t watch tv…well, with the exception of a tivo’d House Hunters here and there. I have ssen the Ellen show once or twice (when my friends would call to tell me John Mayer was on!) and I think she’s just hysterical.
I think the real deal is that you’re home watching soap operas and you don’t want to admit it, so you’re playing the switch & bait game with the talk shows (or something like that.) Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. Pinky swear.
Every time I see Ellen dance, I actually feel a little embarrassed. Couldn’t really tell ya why though.
Next time you’re feeling like a lady, give me a call *cues up Dude Looks Like a Lady, by Aerosmith*
Thank goodness I’m not home during the day to witness any of this. My wife, however, TIVOs Oprah, Ellen and The View. Luckily I’m not subjected to any of it. Actually, I’m the MAN of the house and I refuse to be subjected to it.
What’s to understand about NASCAR? Go fast, turn left.
Middle-Aged-Womans last blog post..Adorning a Boy
Dude…………………. I hear you. I spent maternity leave watching CNN (out of desperation) and became paranoid due to all the whacked-out news stories. At the time it was better then all of the morning shows and soaps. I started to watch soaps and it was the same story line from 3 years ago when I was on maternity leave the last time!!!
As to Ellen, I really like her and dig her show. The dancing is a little odd but so is she and that is what I like her. I love reading her quotes on igoogle. In the end, she was the only show (other than discovery channel) that I could tolerate.
carries last blog post..Do Trojans like Peanut Butter Sandwiches??
Um, I’ll explain it to you as soon as someone explains it to me.
I don’t really get to watch daytime tv. But I really do like Martha Stewart. I am not crafty, I am not a whiz in the kitchen and sometimes I like watching and seeing what she comes up with. Some things I can actually attempt if I change it a bit to fit my budget…err I mean my style. Her mag rocks too, I love taking a look in it at my mother in laws. I didn’t like her much til after her stint in prison. I think it softened her a bit. You think she is boring now…..hell you should have seen her before!
Angelas last blog post..Soul Mates
I don’t watch that stuff, either, but I am ready to hear about the appeal of “Cops” and “America’s Most Wanted”.
Marinkas last blog post..Doggy Style
Love this post and I’m sure my husband will second everything you’ve said.
I don’t watch the Today show, the first hour or the last hour since my TV is stuck on Noggin or PBS kids. However, I really do love Ellen. I love to see her dance cause she’s just quirky and silly, but I really could care less about seeing her dance with a whole audiance. (maybe she’s already looking for a replacement for Portia??)
I am also surprised there is no reference to any soaps!! My husband claims he can not STAND them and that every character in the one I watch (As the World Turns, btw) is related to every other character. Honestly soaps were probably made for people that had no drama in their own lives. I think for the most part women love drama (even when we say we don’t) and its even better when it’s someone elses drama.
SO … please now, explain to me how ESPN Gameday is entertainment? I REALLY would love to know. I just DON’T GET IT!!!!
Kristins last blog post..Life is a highway…
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children says:
Maybe I’m not a real woman, but I don’t get the last hour of Today or Martha, either???? Does ANYONE really like that crap?
Now. As for Ellen, I do love her and her show. The dancing part is getting old, though. It was fun the first year, but now it’s kinda…hokey.
Does this mean I’m a man?
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for childrens last blog post..GoNads
I can’t STAND Kathie Lee (although I like HODA) and I have similarly icky feelings towards Martha. But I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Ellen. The dancing is just her “thing” and, you know, whatever. Dylan likes to groove to it. I haven’t watched it recently to know if it’s Zach’s thing. Although it’s right at nap time, so we probably won’t have an answer to that anytime soon.
And I LOVE Cops, not so much a fan of Nascar, and AMW FREAKS ME OUT. I can’t watch it. Especially at night. Gah. I get the chills just thinking about it. Thanks, dude, for bringing it up.
NOT TO ALL: I DO NOT LIKE NASCAR!!! I was just trying to think of something funny and macho…not that there is anything wrong with it…carry on!
I meant NOTE to all…oy
I can’t believe anyone deliberately watches the 3rd hour of the Today Show — there must just be sufficient Nielson families who pick the Today Show as the morning show they watch, then just leave it on while they go about their housekeeping. (For a long time the Today Show was the morning show I “chose” to watch just because that channel got the best reception.)
As for soaps, I was a long time Days Of Our Lives watcher. In college I would make lunch for myself and my boyfriend and take it out to the lobby to eat with him while I watched DOOL (yeah, I went to college back when students didn’t have their own TV’s and boys weren’t allowed in the girls’ dorms except for the lobby). After a few months, one day he said “Do we HAVE to watch this?” He had never indicated ANY interest in it, so I assumed he had just taken all he could stand of it, but instead he said that he didn’t want to have to see it anymore because one good/nice character was currently accusing another good/nice character of rape and he didn’t want to find out that the man had done it NOR that the woman would lie about that! [btw, she was crazy from grief and had ‘picked him up’ and didn’t remember it, so he was innocent, but she wasn’t “lying” as far as she knew]
automated forex trading systems says:
Great Read, thanks for the post.