I want to thank everyone for all the great comments about siblings…sounds to me like another kid would be a good thing. Heather and I will totally get on it once we win the lottery and invent a pill that makes sleep unnecessary.
In the meantime we will continue going about the business of raising Maddie which, I must admit, can be a bit weird sometimes. Let me give an example, one that I hope doesn’t make you think Heather and I are freaks. Heather and I talk for Maddie.
You may be thinking, “What the hell does that mean? How do you talk for a baby who hasn’t said her first word yet?” Well, the answer is by being a little nutty. It goes something like what comes after the gratuitous photo of Maddie:
Maddie is rolling around on her blanket while Heather, a few feet away, sits on the couch watching Grey’s Anatomy. Mike, on the opposite couch, reads a magazine. Suddenly…
HEATHER (in a baby’s voice): “Daddy?”
MIKE (without missing a beat): “Yes, Maddie?”
HEATHER (still in baby voice): “I love you.”
MIKE: “I love you too, Chicken Muffin Love Bear. Why did you say that out of the blue?”
HEATHER (in baby voice): “No reason.”
Mike nods. A beat passes.
HEATHER (in baby voice): “Except that, um, I think I might need my diaper changed.”
MIKE: “What makes you think that?”
Heather (in baby voice): “What? You can’t smell it? It’s terrible.”
Mike looks away from Maddie and eyes Heather who is staring at Patrick Dempsey.
MIKE: “No, I can’t smell it from over here. But I bet Mommy can from where she is.”
HEATHER (as a baby): “It’s a safe bet that she can. So will you change me?”
MIKE: “Well, you probably want Mommy to change you instead of Daddy, you know, on account of how Mommy often criticizes Daddy’s diaper changing skills.”
HEATHER (as baby): “Actually Mommy told me this morning that she thinks you’re a lot better at it and I concur.”
MIKE: “You concur?”
HEATHER (in baby voice): “I mean ‘I agree.’ Hee. I don’t know what concur means. I’m just a baby.”
Mike looks over at Heather who does her best “cute” smile. He then rolls his eyes and looks back to his magazine.
HEATHER (in baby voice): Ahem, uh, Daddy?”
MIKE: “Yes, Maddie?”
HEATHER (in baby voice): My diaper?”
MIKE: “Fine, Maddie.”
Mike shoots up off the couch, exhaling, and picks up Maddie. As he starts with her toward the baby room…
MIKE: “But next time you ask Mom, okay?”
HEATHER (in baby voice): “You got it, Dad!”
This works in the other direction too.
Mike reclines on the couch watching Rocky Balboa on Showtime as Maddie sits in her Bumbo, puckering her lips. Heather is making lunch in the kitchen.
MIKE (In baby voice): “Mommy?”
HEATHER: “Yes, Maddie?”
MIKE (in baby voice): Can you make me another bottle? I just finished my last one and I’m freakin’ starving over here.”
HEATHER: “Alright, Maddie. But I’m surprised Daddy hadn’t made you one yet.”
MIKE (in baby voice): “He meant to but then Rocky came on.”
HEATHER: “Of course it did.”
Heather shakes her head and makes a new bottle. Mike smiles.
Okay. We’re insane, right? You can say it. But maybe some of you do something similar?