Well. My least-favorite month of the year is here. April, I hate you so much. It’s nothing personal.
The ninth anniversary of Madeline’s death is this Saturday. My friends are wonderful. They text me to check in, send jokes to make me smile, or little notes to let me know they’re thinking of us. I really cannot stress enough how much that means to me. I tell everyone who comes to me with “My friend lost a child, what can I do to support them,” that the ongoing messages YEARS LATER are so, so crucial for Mike and me. If you have a friend who’s lost someone important to them, make a note to remember that person every year.
But I digress. The last twelveish months have been really hard for me, from a grieving standpoint. Maddie’s tenth birthday weighed on me all year. The flashbacks, which I can usually manage, came far too often. I’d look out the window in the car and flashback to when Mike would drive me to my appointments, or I’d smell something that made me think of all the time Maddie and I spent in the hospital. I was very depressed and often struggled to complete simple things like doing laundry…writing on my blog…even getting off the couch.
On top of that, I wasn’t honest with myself. I think at first I honestly didn’t realize I was depressed. But when the word “depression” was brought up, I was in denial for a long time. I told myself that I was “too far” in the grieving process to be depressed. I would put on my happy face and attempt to go through the motions of life. My old standbys of staying busy to keep my mind off things started to backfire, and suddenly everything seemed incredibly overwhelming. And then on Maddie’s birthday, I just about came apart.
What this has made me realize is that I need to be kinder to myself. I don’t need to push through things. It’s okay to be overwhelmed and depressed and I just need to admit it to the people around me. I shouldn’t worry that they won’t understand. I need to let people in on what’s happening so they can help me. And I need to help myself.
So, with that in mind, Mike and I have decided not to physically participate in the March for Babies this year. The event is always an emotional minefield. I am relieving myself of the stress that comes along with trying to put together a team. I’m not going to send out a mass email asking for donations (thereby avoiding the dreaded “unsubscribe” responses). And, Mike, the kids, and I are not going to attend the March for Babies at the end of the month.
This was simultaneously the easiest and hardest decision. It means A LOT to us that so many give up their Saturday mornings to walk with and support us. We know how hard it is. But not going means Mike and I won’t be slammed with so many reminders that our daughter died. It’s really difficult to see the children who survived prematurity — we’re obviously so happy for them, but to see so many children running around, laughing and living…it’s really, really hard. The march makes us relive the worst moment of our life and this year, I just can’t do that to myself.
That being said, we still heavily support the March of Dimes, and we hope to continue to raise money and awareness for a cause and organization that means so much to us. I’m still registered for the Los Angeles march to support our local March of Dimes branch, and if anyone is kind enough to give to the cause, the link to donate in Madeline’s name is here.
Even though I know this is the right decision for this year, I’m still terrified that I’m going to be letting people down. My heart and my head are rarely on the same page when it comes to this stuff. I know Annabel is going to be disappointed, as she loves the march. But this year, I have to take care of myself and I know that someday she’ll understand.
I hope you all understand, too.
Chickie says:
I’m sure it was a very difficult to post your decision. You are not letting people down, you are taking care of what is most important – you and your family. I hope you have something wonderfully relaxing planned for the day. xo
Tracee says:
Of course we understand.
Maddie was (and is) a special part of your world, and being bombarded every year is painful. you have to do what is best for you, and if that means not putting yourself in the way of pain – so be it.
I have followed your blog since before Maddie died – she was a very special little girl.
It’s okay to be sad.
It’s okay to be depressed.
It’s okay to take care of you.
On the day of the march, do something nice for you.
Michele says:
You don’t owe anyone an explanation for doing what’s right for you! You’ve done so much to support the March of Dimes and to raise awareness of prematurity — stepping away from the physical march doesn’t change that one bit. I’ll be donating in Maddie’s name and will smile when I put on purple and think of her on Saturday. I’m sending you, Mike, Annie and James big hugs.
Heather G says:
What a strong and courageous decision you made. Yes, courageous. I think it often takes courage for us moms to put our needs ahead of others or what we think expectations would have us do. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying- Those that matter, don’t mind and those that mind, don’t matter. People important to you won’t mind that you aren’t doing the walk or are stepping back in other ways to take care of yourself.
Tracey says:
You need to do what’s best for you emotionally, period. I’ve been following your blog since you lost your beloved Maddie so I’ve witnessed all the ups and downs you and your family have gone through since then – you have nothing but my admiration, truthfully. I am not a praying person but please know you, your family and dear sweet Maddie are in my heart and thoughts.
Stephanie says:
This.
Inge says:
So well said.
Jana says:
YOU are important. I’m happy to hear that you are taking care of yourself. That’s all that matters.
Lenora Dody says:
Of course we understand and anyone who doesn’t is not worth your time! Take care of yourself and your family. Please know I am thinking of you and sending all good thoughts!
Sarah says:
Sending so much love, and crying with you right now. Love you, Heath.
Tamara says:
Depression manifests its way in so many ways. I hadn’t realized I had suffered for so long until someone mentioned the possibility to me and that opened a world of realization.
And like you, I have learned that we must always look out for ourselves. Those that wouldn’t understand are those that have not been through the things we have been, they are ones who have never had to look out for themselves.
Maria says:
You don’t owe anyone an explanation. It’s the old saying about putting on your oxygen mask first before caring for others—you need to help yourself through this so you can be present for your family.
Mary says:
I find the March for Babies very difficult as well, as a grieving parent (13 years and counting.) Good for you for giving yourself the space you need. Never let your actions be dictated by what you think others expect of you. You are only responsible to yourself and your family
Judy Moticka says:
Sending you love.
Inge says:
Heather – you have no need to apologize to anyone for anything you do to support your own well being… we all understand and support you. I hope you find a bit of peace this year. Thinking of you and Maddie. xoxo
Toni says:
I agree with everyone’s comments! It was the right decision for you and Mike, you’ve already done so much for March for Dimes and Babies. Be gentle with yourselves and take time to be in the moment with your grief. Could Annie march with friends maybe if she really wanted to participate?
Lynn says:
Peace, Love and Light to You and your family. Take care of yourself, it’s ok!
Kim says:
I get it. Oh how I get it. You do what you guys need to do. Let go of the guilt and feel whatever you need to feel and do whatever you need to do.
xoxoxo
kate says:
I’m so proud of you for making the right decision for your emotional health this year. Sending lots of love and telepathic hugs to you.
P.S. I will never, ever get tired of seeing that beautiful smiling face at the top. Thank you for sharing her with us.
Debbie B says:
You are not letting anyone down and you don’t owe anyone an explanation. We all know what a hard decision this was for you and we all agree that you need to do what works best for you and your family. And don’t worry about Annie – even if she doesn’t understand now, she will eventually and she will be proud of you for having the courage to do what is right for you. I’m sorry you are going through such a tough time right now – but please know I think of Maddie often and she is one awesome little girl that will never be forgotten. Sending you hugs and support.
Heather says:
Maybe not everyone will understand, but by putting this out there you are helping more people TO understand. Wishing you and your family peace this April.
Nellie says:
Sending you nothing but absolute love and warm, gentle on your soul hugs! April 7th is embedded in my mind and in my heart forever. You, Mike and your beautiful children have done and continue to do so much to honor Madeline. This may sound lame but I dread April for this same reason and always keep you in my thoughts and prayers throughout the day on April 7th.
Susan says:
Sending you lots of love and hugs. You are taking care of yourself and that’s so important.
Fadra says:
Years ago, I lived next to a family with an autistic son. I approached the mom about working with me on an autism-related project. I thought she would jump at the chance. She politely declined and said she was finally in a place where autism wasn’t the only thing she thought of 24/7 and wanted to keep it that way. It didn’t mean she cared less about her son or any other child. It was really a matter of self-preservation and it was a moment I’ve never forgotten. Grieve and celebrate in your own way.
Christine Koh says:
I love you Heather and am so glad you are prioritizing what you and your family need in this moment. That is the greatest gift and Maddie would be so proud of you. ?? ?? ?? ?? ?? ?? ?? ??
Christine Koh says:
Those were supposed to be hearts, btw
Sara says:
I’ve never met you Heather, but I’ve followed your blog for years (I never comment either!). I wasn’t a mom when your Maddie passed away, and I don’t think I every really comprehended the magnitude of your loss until I had my own sweet boy. I will never forget your beautiful girl and just happily made a donation, as I do every year. You take care of you! Sending love from NYC!
Jordan says:
I’m so glad you made this decision to take care of yourself, friend. I know it had to be hard. But you are important, as is your health emotionally and physically. I could not imagine the grief and pain you feel going to this event every year– I think we all could completely understand your decision to separate yourself this year, at least physically. You’ve done AMAZING work for MOD and Friends of Maddie with your grief. I think you owe no one an explanation for needing to recuse yourself. I hope this time is used to focus on your healing and your mental health. I’m so sorry this year has been so hard.
You all haven’t left my thoughts this week– and you’ll continue to be in my prayers. You guys are amazing, and i’m honored to know you (if only from afar!)
Jordan says:
that should read, “as is your health emotionally and MENTALLY” though your physical health is important here, too. xoxo
Steph says:
I’m so sorry that this has been an extra tough time for you. But so glad you are listening to your intuition and avoiding what is obviously a stressful ordeal. Take care of yourself and lean on others as much as you can. Wishing you all peace and rest.
Elise says:
You don’t owe any apologies to anyone. I’m glad you are taking care of yourself and your family.
erin m says:
your feelings are facts. It’s good to address and honor them. It’s not only good, it’s important. I know it wasnt an easy decision but Im glad to know you are doing what you need to do to care for yourself
Katrien says:
Sending love to you and your family.
Shelly says:
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Shelly says:
Those were supposed to be heart emojis. ??
Sending your family lots of love.
Jeanie says:
Prayers that you get through this, and all the lumps life throws your way, smoothly. I can only imagine how devastating this time is for you. *hugs*
Peggy Howard says:
You could never disappoint people. We are all so proud of you. You are trying to survive every parents nightmare. And my heart breaks because I hate to say this but it’s going to be harder. As Maddie would be reaching so many milestones in these upcoming years you will have to get past them. You need to take care and do whatever necessary for your family. You are a great Mom??
Peggy Howard says:
You could never disappoint people. We are all so proud of you. You are trying to survive every parents nightmare. And my heart breaks because I hate to say this but it’s going to be harder. As Maddie would be reaching so many milestones in these upcoming years you will have to get past them. You need to take care and do whatever necessary for your family. You are a great Mom??
Jenn says:
Heather, I have been following you since Madeline passed and have grieved along side of you from the opposite coast. Considering what you, Mike and your family have been through, I am happy to hear that you are taking care of yourself now. You’ve held yourself and your family better than I would ever have. But now, you can let down your heavy armor and let everyone surround you with love to help you heal. You are not disappointing anyone. This is YOUR life. Do not think about what others think of your decision, because it takes away energy that you need for you.
Just breathe and be with your family.
Hugs, Jenn
Bethany says:
Not the same, but I had to give up fundraising fof the MS Society as my own mother got sicker and sicker. I just couldn’t continue and see people living and thriving with the disease as she suffered and we spent our time caring for her. Even now, almost 5 years after her death, I can’t bring myself to start again. We all do what we can; when we can.
We all remember Madeline. Thank you for continuing to sharing your family’s life!
Auntie_M says:
Thank you, Heather ( and Mike) for taking care of YOU during this time. You are always on my mind as April 7th draws closer (even more so since we lost some precious to our family a few years ago on the 6th).
I do not see how ANYONE could be disappointed with you for choosing your own emotional and mental wellbeing over a march. In fact, I am proud of you for doing so.
Do what you need to do for you, for your family. People will still give. Most importantly, people will always remember Miss Madeline Alice. And we continue to grieve with you and to surround you with love, compassion, and tenderness.
Your family, all 5 of you, are loved. XOXO
Jerilynn says:
Heather, I am glad that you are honoring what is right for you as you continue to grieve. Whether people like it or not or agree or not (and I’m sure nobody would have a problem), it’s about what’s right for you, nobody else. You have been a beacon of hope, awareness, support, information and humanity for all who grieve, and a stalwart and steadfast support of March of Dimes. You are more than entitled to some down time to focus on your own needs and your own survival. Sending you love, hugs and all the positive energy I can. Thinking of your beautiful Maddie and the wonderful love you shared and still share every day.
Amber says:
Dear Sweet Heather,
I have been following you for so many years. I first found out about you shortly after Madeline passed away.
I don’t comment often, and I have never told you how much your story has impacted my life personally. Atleast once a year, I will scroll through the millions of pictures and videos of beautiful Madeline that you have posted. I am so sorry that this happened to you and your precious family. It just is not fair.
I have learned a ton from you. I now know what to say to people when they are in the depths of grief. I know to remember those important days, and to reach out. I think I have become much more sensitive to those who are dealing with loss. Thank you for being so honest and telling it how it is.
I tell people about your Madeline still to this day. My kids ask about your family and ask to watch your crazy awesome videos again and again. I’m probably sounding like a crazy person, but I feel this protectiveness over you. I am always cheering you on and I am sincerely proud of you and how you have chosen to live your life. You are a Rockstar in my eyes!
Please take care of yourself….. You deserve peace in your heart.
Thank you for sharing Madeline and your other kiddos with us. You are loved by so many.
Sending big hugs from right down the road in Orange County.
Debbie A-H says:
Oh, Heather, of course we understand. This internet person, who doesn’t know you IRL, still loves you and wants you to do what you need to do. I am holding you in my heart this month. So much love being sent your way.
Becca says:
Honestly – I think this makes complete and total sense. Especially with the timing of the march, it was one of the first big events that you did following Maddie’s passing. It’s not just about your support for March of Dimes, it’s this link that is SO connected to that moment in time. That horrible horrible moment in time. I really think it’s ok for you to take a back seat this year. And maybe next. And maybe the 5 after that. It doesn’t mean you don’t support March of Dimes (of course you do). It doesn’t mean you’re not marching for Madeline (you march for her every day). It just means you’re taking care of what the you now needs, which maybe looks a little different than the you of years before.
Big hugs to you tomorrow, and every day.
Kathy says:
Hugs.
Samantha says:
This post really hits me hard. I only participated in March of Dimes once (the city I lived in at the time had one, but unfortunately, the town I live in now does not have one) and the team I joined had a mother who lost not one, but TWO children to being premature. Being the naive 21-year-old that I was, I didn’t realize how hard it must have been for her to march (it was something like 13-14 years after the second one died and the two died like 18 months from each other) and seeing all the teenagers marching that had “survived” being premature. I also lost a niece about a year after my daughter was born and I think of her every time I celebrate my daughter’s birthday because their birthdays would have been celebrated only a week apart. My daughter will be 7 this year and Sophie (my niece) is going to celebrate her 6th birthday in heaven. Sophie made almost to her one month birthday, but she contracted that illness that is only found in NICU (I can’t remember what it’s called) and her heart gave out.
So while I can’t even imagine even to this day what it must be like to live each day without your child, even though I have two healthy children (one was born “premature” at 36 weeks), I have known at least TWO people in my life that have lost a child.
Blessings to you and your family during this difficult time and don’t be afraid to DO YOU.
Lots and lots of HUGS!
P.S. I had to change my email. My recovery email got hacked and my old email requires that email to be active in order for me to access it, so if you need me to “authorize” my email, just send me a link and I will.
Lisa says:
Ours is not to judge, especially those of us who have never had to walk in your shoes. You are an amazing, fun person and mom, and I’ve loved following your blog. Although my girls are grown, I learn something from you nearly every post! Keep being you, and that means taking care of you! Soon, Annie can have her own team for the walk in honor of her sister! You are raising fantastic children with real concern for others, and that is what this world needs so desperately now. Hugs to you!
Susan says:
I think you’re making the right decision.
I can never imagine what you’ve gone through. You need to look after yourself.
Huge hugs!
Heather says:
Heather,
You have taught me so much about grief and grace over the last nine years that I have followed your beautiful family’s journey. I credit your posts on grief as the reason one of my dear friends was able to come out of the darkness following her miscarriage. Take care of yourself and that beautiful family this April and let the rest of us carry Maddie’s torch at March of Dimes events all across the nation this year.
Sending you love and light,
Heather
Lauren says:
Sending you a huge hug on this very Hard year. You have to do what is best for you. You don’t owe anything to anyone and you don’t have to explain yourself. grief is very personal.
Thinking of you.
Antonia from the UK says:
I’ve been reading your blog for nine years. I admire you and Mike and the way you deal with your reality. You are awe-inspiring and your children are all beautiful and valuable. I’m not a believer, but you will all be in my thoughts tomorrow.
Sending you every good wish,
Antonia
Melissa says:
I’m not one to comment on blogs, but I have read yours for years. I just wanted to let you know that I think of your daughter, Madeline, especially every April and send prayers your way.
Liz says:
Love and peace to you and your family.
Lindsay says:
I am thinking of you and your family today, Heather. You’ve done SO much good in Maddie’s name. SO much. Just in my own life, I was prepared to help a dear friend with a fatal prenatal diagnosis (and, ultimately, stillbirth) almost entirely because of what you’ve chosen to share about how to help and be there for a grieving parent. Multiply that by … well, I can’t even count how many … and by all you’ve done for March of Dimes … and by how many lives you’ve likely saved by writing about trusting your instincts as a parent and advocating … and it’s so clear how Maddie’s legacy has affected people all over the world. Taking care of yourself and not marching this year doesn’t change that one bit.
I also know that what I wrote above doesn’t ease the heartbreak and devastation of this day. You’ve done so much good but you should have been able to do it all (every march especially) with your beautiful daughter by your side.
I am so deeply sorry.
The youth that I work with are putting on their closing production of a show we’ve been working on this evening. I’ll be wearing purple and, in my heart, dedicating the performance of this tender, funny play about life and laughter and loss to Maddie.
Big, gigantic, warm Internet hugs.
Jess says:
Thinking of your family today.
Tracy says:
Thinking of you today.
JustAMom says:
Thinking of you and your family today Heather.
Jenn says:
Hi Heather,
Although I was always supportive with you about Sweet Maddie, however I couldn’t fully but then my dad died 6 wks after being diagnosed with Lung Cancer.
I suddenly understood the kind of grief when you are actually surprised to wake up in the morning.
This August will be 4 yrs. since my dad left us which is completely surreal too me!! I often wonder how the days can seem so incredibly slow sometimes but the years fly by!! My dad’s B-Day way at the end of March & too my surprise some of my friends remembered. You’re right, it did mean so much to me!
I don’t blame you but rather am PROUD of you for putting You first!!! As Mama’s we often neglect our selves by doing everything for everyone else and it’s NOT good. I of course am not advocate always being self giving to the point of selfishness or being neglectful but I think it’s a valuable message to teach both Annie & James.
I think of all of you & Maddie so often and my daughter who made you, Maddie & Annie a few pictures when she younger does as well. I was going to Twitter you but I thought maybe this was better.
Sending you a warm hug from here Heather. Take Care of You My Friend & Give Mike & the kids a hug from me too. Jenn?
Karen says:
You need to do what is right for you and your family. Making this decision proves how strong you are.
Tamara says:
I just want to mention something that has helped me with grieving and anxiety, it’s EFT therapy (tapping therapy). It really was so helpful, it surprised me how much. It helps acknowledge feelings, and helps you know that what you feel is always fine. It is a physical therapy too. There are probably EFT therapists where you live
Annalise says:
Sending you strength and love.
Jackson says:
I am so sorry you are feeling blue and I understand. I hope you are seeing a therapist. Each year seems more painful for you and I hope a therapist can ease some of that.
Andrea O says:
Heather, No need to apologize to anyone. Grief is a personal thing and changes over time. I lost my premature twin boys in 2006 and I found your blog shortly after Maddie passed away while searching the internet in my grief. You have helped so many people through your blog, but you need to put yourself and your family first. /hugs
Lisa says:
You absolutely did right and don’t worry about letting people down. I know that’s easier said than done but if someone feels let down, that’s their feelings and let them worry about that. You take care of you and your family. Lots of support to you always….
Rita A. says:
I felt this way about the walk last year.. my life is super stressful and organizing the team for my son (also an angel) seemed daunting. My son’s father expressed to me the importance of the walk to him so we did it just us 2. Me for him, and he did it for our Scottie. Yet here I am again this year, in an even harder place and I just can’t do it. Bottom line, don’t beat yourself up because you aren’t letting anyone down. Self care like this is courageous… whom ever can’t understand that is a neanderthal. Sending love & light to you
Stacey says:
I’m so sorry; please do what you need to do to help yourself.
Diana says:
I don’t understand what it’s like to lose a child, but I DO understand what it’s like to be trapped in that vicious cycle of trying to navigate the guilt of doing something for self preservation (which is SO important) or the guilt of feeling like you’re disappointing others (which you’re not, if they’re true loved ones!). It’s SO hard and I’m glad to see you’re getting fantastic support in these comments. It may not feel like it, but you’re doing lots of things right!