Every year I watch the clock roll from 11:59 pm to 12:00 am, and I announce, “IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!” This year was the same, except it was whispered.
When the clock read a more respectable time, I laid in bed and spent over an hour trying to talk myself out of it. I have to talk myself out of bed every day. Some days I succeed. Other days I don’t. I didn’t want to get out of bed on the 27th, but I knew I had to.
I did girlie things. Got a pedicure. Had my eyebrows done. The aesthetician asked me if I was married. I said yes. She asked me if I had any children. I said no. When I left I burst into tears, feeling like I’d betrayed Madeline.
There was a small dinner that night at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants. There was too much food and sweet cake. I blew out the candles. I didn’t make a wish.
I went home and opened presents. Amazing, thoughtful presents that made me cry. I have wonderful people in my life, some I’ve never even met.
Later I stood at her urn, and I told her it was my birthday. I showed her some of the pretty things I’d been given, the things I knew she’d have been drawn to. I told her I was sorry I said I had no children. I promised I wouldn’t ever say that again.
Every year I watch the clock roll from 11:59 pm to 12:00 am, and I announce, “my birthday’s over. Boo.” But this year, I was relieved.
@kristeneileen says:
and that’s ok. I love you. This made me think of you:
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran
moosh in indy. says:
I second her.
And I weaseled my way in as the second comment.
Birthday hot pocket.
Birthday.
xoxo
.-= moosh in indy.´s last blog ..Oldfields-Lilly Gardens Indianapolis, Indiana =-.
Nancy Smego says:
Heather,
My boyfriend is one of 5 boys. One of them died at age 27 from cancer. That was in 1988. He is in everyone’s thoughts. He is mentioned just like all the other boys You didn’t leave Maddie out. You never could and you never will. She will never be replaced in your heart.
Sierra says:
You will find a wish to make, Heather. Just not right now.
And Maddie knows you carry her in every bit of you, every day. I’m sure she doesn’t feel forgotten.
May this 30th year be one full of healing, love, and peace.
xo.
Seraphim says:
I think that’s perfectly understandable. And I am glad you have wonderful people in your life, even though the sweetest of them wasn’t there to celebrate with you. Hugs to your aching heart from the windswept shores of Perth, Western Australia xxx
.-= Seraphim´s last blog ..Week 1 of "Jog Blog" =-.
projectmommy says:
She’s there, she’s with you. She’s excited that every birthday you share gets you only closer to the day you can be together again.
HUGS
ZDub says:
Hugs to you, I know that day was so very hard.
Peace be with you.
.-= ZDub´s last blog ..Kush It Real Good =-.
kirida says:
I hope this year brings healing, Heather.
.-= kirida´s last blog ..swollen =-.
Patty says:
I am so sorry it was a difficult Birthday! You will never betray Maddie, please don’t feel like you did with your answer to that question! That is a hard one for you to answer right now with everything still being so very fresh and painful for you, it’s understandable that you answered that way! My Birthday wish for you is that this year is full of healing and that some happiness can creep back into your life! Love, Patty
.-= Patty´s last blog ..Sunny days! =-.
Noelle says:
Hugs to you, Heather. I can only imagine how difficult today was. Since you weren’t able to make a wish, I hope you don’t mind if I make one for you. I wish for you moments of peace to get you through each day, and much love and healing in your thirtieth year.
.-= Noelle´s last blog ..It’s here! =-.
Duchess says:
I was in line at a deli one day for lunch and there were two women behind me, one asked the other if she had children and the other woman said, “no, yes, I don’t know how to answer that my Son died last week” and she began to cry and I began to cry and the woman she was having lunch with was looking very awkward (I think mostly at my crying) I wish you wouldn’t beat yourself up, you are just feeling your way down this awful path, you tried one answer and it didn’t fit the good news is there are a million aestheticians in the city and you never have to see her again.
I had hoped the day would be gentle on you and I am sorry it wasn’t more so.
(I did a few years later run into the same woman at the same deli and she recognized me and we had a nice chat, I haven’t seen her since but I still think about her from time to time)
.-= Duchess´s last blog ..To My Dearest. =-.
Debbie in Memphis says:
Sharing your pain and hoping that this year brings less pain. Keeping you and Mike in my prayers.
Vanessa says:
Happy Birthday Heather:) Maddie will love you forever, and will understand your heart always. My thoughts are with you often, and I admire you so much. Peace to you:)
Petra says:
Dear Heather,
all my best birthday wished to you. i’m sure maddie sent you a butterfly as a pressie from heaven…
Recently, I had my nails done for the first time ever and the lady kept telling me how great kids are and when she said: … with a figure like yours it’s clear you’re not a mother yet… right?
And: I started crying. right away. sobbing uncontrollably.
The poor lady was totally clueless what just happened.
So I told her that indeed i am a mother.
It doesn’t really matter that my son was born dead.
My life changed with his birth forever, the meaning of “love” hasn’t been the same every since.
And: it’s totally “normal” if you feel like you’ve betrayed her by saying “no”. I know that terrible feeling very well. There will be days when you say “no” just to be left in peace (and go home to cry). And there will be days when you will proudly say: “Yes, I am a mom of a wonderful girl named maddie. even though she can’t be with me anymore, i’ll always be her mom.” while tears run down your face.
Nobody can take your memories away from you.
a big consoling hug…
Cinthia says:
Hugs, big, big, sweaty-from-the-sick-Norco-heat hugs.
Erica says:
Dear Heather,
I too wish from the bottom of my heart that this year, your 30th year, will bring some happiness back into your life and that you will share some happy moments with all the wonderful people in your life. You too are such a wonderful person, Heather. Maddie is looking down on her wonderful Mama and her spirit is all around. My daughter and I were wearing purple again yesterday and during our afternoon walk we again saw so many different and striking purple flowers. We thought of the World Famous Maddie and her amazing Mama. Maddie’s spirit is all around, even here in the South West of England.
Its an honour for me to read your blog, Heather, and I continue to learn from you every time I come to your blog.
With love
your stranger friend, Erica in Luxembourg
Krissa says:
Again words fail me. There’s so much in my heart for you, though. (((Hugs)))
Karen (miscmum) says:
I wish I knew what to say, when again I feel like crying. I hope this coming year gives you some peace, and I’m thinking of you. You pop into my mind all the time now.
catherine lucas says:
I promise you that next year’s birthday will be easier. Not by a lot, but all the firsts that you experience in this time are double hard because they are firsts.
I can totally relate to the fact that you were relieved to have this birthday over and done with. Glad you were surrounded by people that love you…
.-= catherine lucas´s last blog ..‘t Was June… =-.
amanda says:
xoxoxoxo ~ I do hope this year brings you some happiness ~ I know it will bring you love, because we all love you, and love how you honor Maddie every day. You said you didn’t have children to that woman because you didn’t want to get into the whole story with her, when you were just trying to do something nice for yourself to ease the day – that would be my guess- and that’s OK – please be kind to yourself.
xo from CT,
Amanda
.-= amanda´s last blog ..Eight Minus Jon & Kate =-.
Bec says:
You could never betray Maddie. Never. You need to do what ever it is to help you through, that’s not a betrayal.
Kelly says:
I don’t think Maddie would mind… I think she would want you to do whatever you need to get through – even if that means avoiding the whole children conversation… She knows you’re not denying her existence. It’s called self-preservation.
Big hugs and lots of love to you, Mike, Rigby and all of your family. I wish that you had more to smile about for your birthday.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Enjoying mongolian bbq =-.
Desiree Campos says:
Although it’s difficult today to see beyond the sorrow,
May looking back in memory help comfort you tomorrow.
Although you dont know me My heart is with you. I mourn the son i never got to hold who passed 6years ago at 24 weeks. Madeline is a beautiful little girl that is hugging you from above.
{Hugs to you my dear}
.-= Desiree Campos´s last blog ..Everybody’s Nuts; =-.
Casey says:
Do you think you said no because you were trying, in some way, to protect the aesthetician? I mean, this person was just making her usual “small-talk,” having no idea what a bomb shell those questions might actually be. So, rather than lay it on her, perhaps you said no because you thought it might be easier on everyone, in the moment.
You weren’t betraying Maddie. And next time you won’t worry about the other guy, you’ll just state your truth, knowing that that’s what you need to do. You’re learning everyday how to grieve; please go easy on yourself.
.-= Casey´s last blog ..Empty-handed =-.
Christy says:
Someone told me that with a tragedy such as this, God gives you the grace to handle it and in how you handle it. I have thought of this many times in trying to explain to myself why I have handled things the way I have. Harmless questions from strangers are completely different now–they are daggers, not harmless. But yes, you answer them how you do because of the grace you have been given. I was “congratulated” twice after my little boy died because I had the “bump” and looked pregnant. It was meant well, but it was awkward as hell. One time when I was asked if I was expecting, I said, “oh no….I wish I was.” No explanation, no expression of the pain I was so deeply feeling. you are a graceful woman, Heather. And a beautiful one. I see it in your pictures and read it in your posts. Thank you for this post. I have also felt pain from such simple questions.
.-= Christy´s last blog ..Be Kind =-.
pgoodness says:
You weren’t betraying her, you were protecting yourself. If you had said yes, it would have required explanations and that would have been worse right now.
You are a strong, amazing woman and one day you will make a wish again. xoxoxo
.-= pgoodness´s last blog ..rAnDOm ThOuGhtS =-.
Shannon Kieta says:
Oh Heather…
Maddie knows you didn’t mean anything by that! You are the BEST mom in the world. And STILL are! You weren’t lying when you said that, just avoiding a long explanation to an avoidable, hurtful conversation session. It was your birthday, and you are entitled to feel less stressed for at least 5 freakin’ minutes! Stop beating yourself up! You are a remarkable person. Start seeing that, because Maddie reminds you each and everyday when she gives you the strength to get out of bed! i didn’t buy you a gift, but I will give you this:
God didn’t promise days without Pain,
Laughter without Sorrow, nor Sun
without Rain. But he did promise
Strength for the day, Comfort for the
tears and light for the way.
Hopefully this little saying brings you some peace for the day. I read it every day since my sister passed in Janurary, it kind of helps me get through. Just thinking of you too, my friend. Happy, Happy Birthday Shannon
La Petite Belle says:
I totally agree that it’s perfectly fine for you to say that. You wanted a break from having to explain and from the awkwardness that I’m sure takes place when you have to explain things to a complete stranger. You deserve that, you have the RIGHT to not talk about it with anyone you don’t want to talk about it with.
Momo Fali says:
I am glad you have such wonderful people in your life. Happy Birthday. (Don’t worry, Maddie is making wishes for you every day.)
.-= Momo Fali´s last blog ..Random Realizations II =-.
Lindsay from Florida says:
You could NEVER betray her. I’m so sorry that you didn’t have a happier birthday.
Christine says:
Maddie only knew love from you and Mike. You’ll have her with you always, no matter what you tell the strangers you’ll meet along the way.
Hugs to you. And wishes for happier birthdays.
.-= Christine´s last blog ..Titles =-.
Alexandra :( says:
I’m sure Maddie undestands, Heather. You weren’t betraying her. If you told the woman you had a child, you would have had to have told her that she passed away and she probably would have cried.
Happy thirtieth birthday,
Alexandra
Kerrie says:
Happy Birthday Heather. I’m so glad that you had a few fun moments and gifts on your birthday that you could share with Maddie. What matters is the yearning in your heart, not what you say to strangers.
Susan says:
I have no words Heather. In my prayers always!~
katadia says:
Selamat Ulang Tahun!
That’s happy birthday in Indonesian.
Hugs…..
.-= katadia´s last blog ..Light on you =-.
AmazingGreis says:
You are an amazing woman!
I have no doubt that Maddie was there with you, helping blow out the candles on your cake, helping you open all the presents. She is with you ALWAYS.
XOXO
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..Happy Birthday to Heather… =-.
nic @mybottlesup says:
you made it my love… you made it.
i’m proud of you.
.-= nic @mybottlesup´s last blog ..under where? =-.
Sally says:
Answering the do you have any children question can be so hard. I find I am mostly honest, but then I normally spend five minutes trying to make the other person feel better. I turned 29 a month after I had Hope. I’ll be 30 in three months – the second birthday without my baby girl. I feel so deeply for you Heather.
.-= Sally´s last blog ..A fresh supply =-.
cindy w says:
Oh sweetie. You didn’t betray Maddie. Never think that. All you did was tell a white lie to avoid a potentially awkward situation. There’s no need for a total stranger to know the details of your life story.
I’m also relieved for you that your birthday is over – I know you were dreading it. Love you much.
.-= cindy w´s last blog ..tea, a drink with jam and bread =-.
Deborah says:
I’m sorry you had such a painful birthday. Please never feel that you betrayed your daughter; you said what you felt you needed to at the moment, no more no less. I wish you much peace in this coming year, even though at times it is elusive and hidden.
Sarah says:
My older sister died when I was 12, and since then I often have not known what to say when people ask me how many brothers and sisters I have. Sometimes I say 2 sisters and 1 brother, which is what it was when she was still here. Sometimes, because I know the subject will be discussed further, I just say 1 sister, 1 brother. I don’t want to have to explain that a sister died and make the person feel uncomfortable.
I’m not sure what my mom says, but that’s a hard thing. I just wanted to tell you that I’ve been reading, and while I don’t completely know how it feels to be in your shoes, I have experienced death of a very close one, and I know it’s so hard.
Trisha says:
“You have one daughter, Maddie. She doesn’t walk with you, but she soars with angels.”
She knows you did not betray her Heather. She knows how hard this is and how broken you are.
She wishes she could wipe away all your tears and sorrow.
Please don’t doubt your amazing strength.
(((HUGS))) from Florida
Chrisie Ward says:
Thats beautiful Trisha, and oh so true.
jenni williams says:
You made it through the day, next year will be easier. Day by day the pain becomes a little less sharp. You did not betray Maddie. I am sure she understands. That is such a loaded question. When I get asked how many children I have the answer varies, depending on the person asking. I HAD 4 children, but have 3 living. It isnt exactly light conversation. Huge hugs and love from Florida.
.-= jenni williams´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday:Hair Raising =-.
Lisa says:
I can only imagine how hard Saturday was for you. I’m glad you have wonderful friends in your life that made it a little better.
I’m sure Maddie loved you talking to her about it at the end of the day.
Big hugs to you.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Treating Infant and Toddler Diarrhea =-.
Alli says:
She is with you. Everywhere. Everyday. Every minute.
I pray that next year on your 31st birthday, you will have found this year to bring you peace and healing.
~Hugs from TX
Tami says:
Maddie isnt mad at you. She knows how much you miss her! She knows how much pain you are in because she cant be with you. It suck, and I hope next year your Birthday is a little less pain full.
Lots of hugs,
Michele says:
Just letting you know that I too was thinking of you this weekend. While I imagined this would be a rough one, I’m glad you had some happiness as well, in the form of people who love you.
I agree with everyone else, Maddie was there with you somehow, celebrating for you, loving you always.
Take care of yourself,
Michele in Staten Island, NY
Jane says:
That’s gotta be a really tough question to answer, Heather. It’s OK. Grieving is tough stuff — I hope that this year will bring you some peace, and that you will have moments of true and complete joy. Here’s something someone did to me on my 40th b-day last Tuesday. Think of a person that you really admire. Close your eyes and REALLY think of that person. Now think of three of the qualities that your person has that make that person what he/she is to you. Dig deep here — what really is the essence of that person to you? Do you have your three things? It is said that when you describe that person’s three things, what you really describe is yourself. Think of those things and you will find them in yourself. And on those awful days when you don’t even want to open your eyes to look at the clock, remember your three things. Remember all of the great and admirable things that you are. Heather, when someone else thinks of the person that THEY admire, it just may be you.
Jenn says:
OOHHH Sweetie….today your words made me cry b/c I’ve known people who have been put in that exact same position. I know with some of them, when it happened the first time, they were so taken back & so shocked to hear that question they automatically said the same thing.. And, like you – they loved their babies with every ounce of their being but, they just couldn’t bring themselves to share such an intimate part of their lives with a stranger and you know what Heather? THAT’S OKAY.
As my one friend said shaking through her tears…”If I simply said, I had a daughter, they would casually ask questions about her and I just couldn’t talk about her so freely without crying. If I had explained I had a daughter who is now in Heaven, they might have asked why, how old was she and/or how am I doing??? All, questions I still can’t answer without sobbing. So, as guilty as I felt, I said I had no children b/c I don’t want to share her story with a stranger…not yet. It;s like I’m damned if I do, but I’m also damned if I don’t….none of this is fair”!!!
I held my friend tight in my arms to comfort her, as I wish I could do the same for you right now…. Sweet Heart…like I said to my friend, this is all so new, so raw….I can’t blame you (nor would I ever anyways) for not wanting to get into things with a stranger. I know you feel guilty but, think of it this way…. what you were actually doing was Respecting Maddie’s Privacy, while protecting yourself as well. There are some people in this world who have NO tact and are just plain nosey. It’s none of anyones business as to why Maddie went to Heaven but, some people feel entitled to know and will still be so rude and ask inappropriate questions regardless of your feelings.
Maybe next time, you will answer differently …but, maybe you won’t. Either way, Maddie knows you love her and she loves you back every single ounce of her being. If you are ever put into that situation again, please just do what feels right for you and know, Maddie will understand and will still be right there with you.
I asked Jackie to wish you a Happy Birthday for me, in case she didn’t…please know I was thinking of you on that day and just like every day, hoping you found even just an ounce of solace and a ton of love.
As always…thinking of you, Mike & Maddie
Sincerely,
Your Stranger Friend,
Jenn
AnnD says:
I’m guessing you said “no” to the beautician because you knew if you said “yes,” you would have to explain about Maddie’s passing which might have led to more questions that you just weren’t ready to answer or deal with at the time. I think it was completely understandable. I hope, in time, you can enjoy your birthday’s more again.
Jamie says:
Oh sweet Heather, bless your heart, you did not betray Maddie in any way. She knows you love her. I would have done the exact same thing in your situation only to save the awkward conversations that may have lingered afterward. Maddie knows and understands. You are an amazing mother and always will be.
Kristen McD says:
Oh, honey… sometimes you need to protect yourself. Maddie knows your heart. She loves you. You’ll find a way.
Molly says:
Oh, Heather. That sounds rough. I am so sorry you felt that way. But of course you didn’t betray Maddie–you are just finding your way through this horrible maze of grief. You’ll get there.
I think birthday wishes still count if they’re late, by the way :-).
Mindy McC says:
Just wanted to tell you that my heart still breaks for you all. I am still thinking of you everyday and praying for you everyday, even if I don’t know you and don’t comment. I sometimes wonder if some of the people who have been the most touched by Madeline’s life and your blog are those who do not comment b/c they do not have the strength. You are amazingly strong. Sending my love.
shea says:
You did not betray Maddie. You were caught off guard. She knows, everyone knows your love for her. Never feel guilty. You are a good mother. You will always be a mother, nothing can take that away from you. Maddie is till alive in the hearts of everyone you bring her to.
Jennifer says:
I’m sorry your bday wasn’t the greatest–but I’m glad that you had some time w/ friends and family.
I don’t blame you for saying that to the salon lady–if you had answered differently, it could have led to all kinds of questions that would have been difficult for you to answer. I know Maddie would totally understand!!
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Halloween in June? =-.
Shannon Olgin says:
Crying for you today. I know your heart aches for her.
Becky says:
Oh girl, Maddie never would think that you forgot her. I’m glad your birthday is over, love. Happy 30’s.
.-= Becky´s last blog ..We. Made. You. =-.
Shauna says:
Oh man…the out of nowhere questions from strangers. That’s got to be a blow right to your gut. (and your heart, and your head). There is no one in this universe that could ever doubt the immensity of your love for Maddie, no matter what you answered to survive that moment. Sorry I’ve been absent, by the way. We’ve been in a chaotic move with no internet (gasp!). I’ve been thinking of you all though. Lots of love-
.-= Shauna´s last blog ..Arrival =-.
Meg says:
To some questions, there are no easy answers…She understands.
Vicky says:
It’s OK that you said No, I don’t have any children. It was not a betrayal, it was a survival mechanism. Maddie understands and she loves you so much. God understands and HE loves you so much.
Here’s hoping that you and your family find a measure of peace in the coming year.
Tricia (irishsamom) says:
Oh Heather, my heart hurts for you. I know nothing feels like it will ever be worth celebrating again, but don’t forget that you yourself and your wonderful spirit ARE worth it. It may not feel like it today or for a long while, but it will again. My wish for you this week is a little peace in between the sorrow that your heart feels. I am thinking of you. My children pray for you and Mike and Maddie every night. With love and hugs,
Tricia xoxxo
.-= Tricia (irishsamom)´s last blog ..Taking the Road Less Travelled =-.
Libby says:
Heather, I’m glad you made it thru your birthday. I thought about you this weekend.
Once I met a neighbor’s son, and I asked if he was her only child, and she said no, that her daughter had passed. I replay that conversation and wish I had shown more compassion. I just kinda said ‘oh’, and changed the subject because I didn’t know what to say. We all try our best in the moment, and sometimes we don’t say the right things. I’m sure maddie understands that you are finding your way.
Take care, and glad you made it out of bed this weekend.
Gillian says:
Don’t feel shame – that answer spares you the pain of explaining the details with strangers. You are your daughter’s mom, forever.
Happy birthday. The thirties have been good to me, so far. I wish the same for you.
.-= Gillian´s last blog ..Blue Birds =-.
charlane says:
I’m sorry that your birhtday was not as fantastic as it had been in past year. Don’t beat yourself up about saying that you had no children…that was just self preservation. If you had told the person you had children you would have had to tell her that Medeline just recently passed away, and that would have made you sad, and her uncomfortable for asking and now having no idea what else to say. You saved the rest of your papering experience. We all lie for different reasons, you just wanted a few momenets of peace.
.-= charlane´s last blog ..Life’s a Beach! =-.
becky says:
this is exactly why I don’t ask someone if they have kids until I get to know them a little better. The question is explosive and innocent at the same time. You don’t know if the person wants kids but can’t have them, or had a child like you but has suffered the loss. No matter what, you had Maddie and you will forever be her mother. That will never change. I agree with the other comments that you answered in the way that got you through that moment without having to explain yourself to someone who was just making conversation. On day, one minute, one moment at a time, that is all you can ask of yourself.
Becca says:
I was thinking about you on your birthday, sweet Heather. I’m glad you made it through your birthday, and I’m 100% positive that Maddie was blowing out those candles right along with you.
.-= Becca´s last blog ..Get your green on =-.
Mary says:
Heather,
The first post with the quote from The Prophet is part of something I used at my husband’s funeral. I’m including the full passage in the hope that it will have meaning for you as it did for me. And Maddie wouldn’t have wanted anything less for you than a day full of girly things.
******
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes
filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the
potter’s oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was
hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it
is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see
that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay,
sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board,
remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
******
Christy says:
Oh, Heather…I wish so much that there was something…anything I could say that would take the pain away–even for a little while.
.-= Christy´s last blog ..Details In The Fabric =-.
Amy says:
A family friend lost her son many years ago. When asked if she had children at first she said no.. and then woudl cry much like you did. Then she started to say yes but didn’t go in to detail. After many years she would start to open up to people who had asked but it took a long time.
((((Heather))))
Erin says:
Dont feel bad, Maddie knows your love for her…i am glad you got to share your bday with people who care and love you a lot! i thought about you all day!
Jenn Soady says:
A few years ago I had filled out some security questions so I could get online statements for one of my credit cards. I went to sign onto my account and I mistyped my password so it asked one of the security questions.What’s the name of your first niece? Simple enough right? Except I have 2 nephews. I ended up having to get on the phone to prove who I was. They finally told me the answer to the security question. Kilona. I had a niece once upon a time,over three years ago, she died from sids at 6 days old. I felt horrible that I had forgotten her. I felt like the biggest *$$@#$%. I told them it was a friend’s daughter who I had lost touch. I didn’t want to go into detail. You didn’t betray Maddie by answering that you didn’t have any kids. At some point you get tired of breaking down into tears at the dentists office, walgreens etc. Sometimes you just need a break from the break down.
Karen Sugarpants says:
It’s okay Heather. I wish your birthday had been easier. Hugs from across the miles.
xo
Aggie says:
Oh, Heather… I am so sorry that a day that normally would be filled with happiness and celebration was so hard on you. You did not betray Maddie’s memory, self-preservation kicked in. Otherwise you would have to talk about something so painful to you, it’s no wonder your gut instinct wanted to avoid that conversation. You didn’t hide the fact you’re a mother to anyone but a beautician who doesn’t know you or your beautiful Maddie and the horrible heartache you carry inside. You are and always be Maddie’s mom. Just because you don’t want to talk about it with random strangers doesn’t make it a betrayal. (((hugs))) to you.
And I also want to wish you a happy birthday. It may not be happy right now, but eventually your birthdays will bring you some joy again.
Wszystkiego najlepszego z okazji 30-tych urodzin! (in my native Polish tongue that means “Best wishes for your 30th birthday”)
Much love to you, Mike and Maddie,
Aggie
(another internet “stranger” friend)
Sarah says:
My heart aches for you and I don’t even know you. My throat it’s clenched so tight reading this post, and my eyes welled with tears here at work. I wish there was something that would magically make it all better. But there isn’t. My thoughts for you today are to continue to be good to yourself and to not be afraid of falling apart in front of people. that is why you said to that lady you didn’t have children. But you do, and it’s ok to say it and fall apart .. you know. It’s funny how people try to protect others from their own heartbreaking. I’m glad you had some fun on your birthday. You’re always in my thoughts .. we love our children selflessly, and to the end, no matter if they are here on earth or not. ((((hugs)))) I’ve no doubt your sweet Maddie was sending lots of kisses down your way, on your birthday, and everyday!
Debby says:
Sounds like it was an okay day. I am so sorry you had to celebrate without your Maddie. My daughters new favorite Mexican resturant is Pink Taco, we went there for her birthday in May.
I know it’s hard but you must always tell people about your child. It’s sounds as if your afraid to say it because you think you will be judged. If they can’t handle the words from your mouth so be it. Every once in awhile you will meet people who truly care and will listen, often sharing a similar story. You can be there for them and they can be there for you. I am not telling you that what you did was wrong, I think I would have done the same thing. That is how we live and learn.
mommymae says:
i imagine everything is confusing & you are feeling your way through this the best way you can. you’ll figure out how to tell strangers when you are ready. maybe you aren’t ready yet & you should NOT feel badly about it, heather.
Sympathetic says:
Whatever you said was right for you. And turning 30 sucks anyway. I predict your next birthday will be a whole lot happier!
Trish says:
You do have a child. You will always have a child, and you know that to be true. But sometimes, it’s going to be easier on you if you answer “no”, rather than having the conversation continue in that vein. There are going to be days when you need that simplicity. Maddie understands. She does not feel betrayed. She knows how much you love her.
I’m sorry your birthday brought tears. Grief sucks.
(((Hugs)))
Jennifer says:
Oh Heather, to echo everyone else, you did not betray Maddie! I think most people (if not everyone) would answer that question the same way.
I thought about you on your birthday and was hoping it was somewhat enjoyable and that you were surrounded by Mike, family and friends…and it sounds like you were!
I was at a family reunion in Fresno (otherwise known as hell) on Saturday and we stopped at Casa De Fruta so the kids could ride the train and the merry-go-round and as we were waiting on the train for the ride to start, a little girl was having a birthday party and she had Abby Cadabby streamers everywhere and, of course, I thought about Maddie. it amazes me how much your daughter and your life have touched mine. In most things I do, I think of Maddie and your family.
I wish you I could take away this pain for you.
Please don’t beat yourself up as you go through this process. To each their own.
Much love,
Jenn in CA
Michelle says:
Heather,
I thought of you on your day…and Maddie too. You didn’t betray Maddie – you were thinking of the person who asked you and how they would react and how they would feel. You love Maddie!! Now you know how it made you feel and you are choosing to not answer “no” again, don’t beat yourself up about it.
The aesthetician was making conversation and being polite and you didn’t want her to feel bad for asking. I remember the first time a sales clerk asked my boys what they were getting their dad for Father’s Day….(he had died at 39, 4 months prior)…..my youngest (age 6 at the time) said “we’re getting Daddy flowers” – I guess she thought that was odd and said something about it being a unique gift or something along those lines and my oldest (10 at the time) sensed her confusion and politely told her “our Daddy died in March, the flowers are for his grave.”
Obviously, she felt completely awful and I was just standing there stunned….not sure what to do. She apologized and told the boys she was so sorry about their dad and hurried off. I wasn’t going tell her the situation because I didn’t want to make her feel bad but the boys felt as they should be polite and tell her since she had asked.
I don’t really know why I’m mentioning all of this other than to let you know….decisions like this are made in an instant and now you can be prepared when asked if you have children next time.
Again, as I said before I am so incredibly sorry. I thought of you so much over the weekend with a huge lump in my throat….
Love to you and your family,
Michelle in Herculaneum, MO
Issa says:
It’s not betraying her, it’s really not. Sometimes it’s okay to keep her to yourself and not talk about it if you don’t want too. She would understand.
Happy birthday honey. I hope you were able to enjoy it, even a tiny bit.
.-= Issa´s last blog ..For Meghan =-.
J says:
it has all been said above, but there is no wrong – only how you feel and how you best deal in the moment.
still here across the miles, keeping you all in my thoughts and reading every post.
j in ct
denise says:
Heather –
I have to agree with some of the other folks who commented – I think you were trying to protect the person asking the questions and making friendly chit-chat. I know that doesn’t make you feel any better about what happend – but nobody thinks you betrayed Maddie. Sometimes the strangest things come out of my mouth and I have no idea what or why! And i am not under the huge amount of stress and anguish you are going through.
I think about you guys everyday and wish and hope for some comfort for you and Mike.
BIG Hugs across the miles . . .
Dina says:
Aww Heather, Happy Birthday. May this be a year of healing, and transformations. You have an angel baby that knows your heart will always be bursting with love for her.
Please be gentle with yourself, and know how very much supported you are. There is no wrong way of grieving. There is no right way to make you all better.
Blessings to you on your 30th birthday. May you find a piece of joy and hold on to it.
Dina
.-= Dina´s last blog ..IN the City that I live. I’m Just sayin. =-.
denise says:
YES! I ditto What Issa said – you were just keeping her to yourself. Sometimes you will , sometimes you won’t, it’s up to you in the moment. But I’m so glad you share her with us – we are very blessed for the gift you continue to share.
Maddie is right there with you – her energy, her smile, her spirit, her beautiful *M* on your arm, she’s just not in the physical world, the way that we all wish.
Joy says:
You are so brave to share your journey with us.
You are helping me heal the pieces of my heart that are broken from loss. I thank you for your honesty.
I wish you peace and healing.
.-= Joy´s last blog ..Jail break. =-.
Katherine says:
I had a weird thought. What if you had little cards made up with a brief explanation and a link to your blog? Just so you don’t have to have the same painful conversation with strangers over and over?
What a way to enter your 30s. I hope this decade brings more joy and less pain as time goes on.
april in NJ says:
Everyone else has said it but I’ll say it too… you didn’t betray dear Maddie, though you felt it at that moment. You were doing what you needed to make it through… there’s nothing wrong with that at all. Everyone who knows you knows that you are a wonderful mother to a wonderful child and that you love her very very much so there is no denying what everyone knows. I’m sure as time goes on you will answer differently depending on the day, the minute, the person who’s asking. Not to sound mean… but I’m glad your birthday is over too… I’m sure it was super hard and I just wish you peace from the bottom of my very soul. love and hugs from NJ.
mrs. chicken says:
I don’t have any good words. Just thinking about you.
Courtney says:
That must have been difficult, I’m glad you have so many people supporting you. Sending warm wishes and prayers your way.
Courtney in New York.
.-= Courtney´s last blog ..First Six Word Saturday! =-.
Jennifer says:
Sometime when you are comfortable, you can say to stranges, “my daughter is an angel now”. Of course that may make people uncomfortable, it may bring on unwanted talks/hugs that you aren’t ready for. It’s all about when you are ready…in the mean time, you have no way betrayed your Maddie. She’s always with you.
.-= Jennifer´s last blog .. =-.
Deb says:
Heather –
It’s been said before…but I have to say it, too.
You did not betray Maddie.
It’s a defense mechanism. You have a daughter, she’s just not “here” anymore.
She’s with you constantly and that will never change. It’s just that sometimes you get worn out from all this and having to explain to a virtual stranger that your daughter passed away after all you’ve been through getting her here in the first place…..well, sometimes it’s easiest just to say “no”.
Maddie knows. And that’s what’s important.
Wishing you much happiness this year.
Glenda says:
I understand why you said you didn’t have children, because if you share that she’s an angel now, then the mulititude of questions will start a conversation that you probably don’t feel comfortable having with total strangers at this point in your life. It’s OKAY to feel that way, and Maddie will understand why you said that. In no way will she feel betrayed. So happy for you that you have wonderful friends and family. Sending you a big hug! XO
jana says:
I also understand your answer; sometimes it is just too hard to go into, I’d imagine. Maddie understands, she more than understands. Your love for her is so big, so precious, so perfect and evident in everything you say and everything you do. She knows that more than any of us.
hugs and support—tons of support.
.-= jana´s last blog ..Along the way =-.
Dawn says:
You didn’t want to pour your heart out to your cosmetologist? On your birthday? Uh, yeah, your answer was all about survival there. Pure and simple.
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..Because I need a new hobby =-.
Misty says:
My heart just hurts for you everytime I visit here. Happy birthday! I’m so sorry it was not a very happy one though…You didn’t betray sweet Maddie. I’m sure you just didn’t want to have to get into the whole story. I know she understood. I hope next year it will hurt a little less…
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Hi Heather,
I agree with Dawn (above). You didn’t have to tell your cosmetologist anything.
Sending a hug.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Choose your chuckles wisely =-.
VDog says:
Oh honey.
What Dawn said.
HUGS from all your beeshes.
.-= VDog´s last blog ..June 27th Radio Show: Bloghopping With 704 =-.
Alicia says:
Sweet momma to a sweet little girl. Happy birthday from another you’ve never met but who thinks of Maddie and your family daily.
.-= Alicia´s last blog ..before =-.
Marian says:
Heather,
I have problems answering that question myself. You did not betray Maddie in any way. That’s just a very, very hard question to answer right now. There is no simple answer. I dread that question ever single day.
I feel when I say those words “I have no children” that I only say that because the person asking isn’t special enough to know of my daughter. Does that make sense? Sounds very selfish, but it’s how I’ve survived answering that question & not feeling I have betrayed her.
Sending you a big hug.
xoxo
Marian
Julia Mac says:
Heather dearest,
it’s OK to give yourself some time out and it’s OK if you decide not to share Maddie with every stranger who asks.
Even now ten years on I don’t always admit my first born because I don’t always know how strangers will react. I think most people ask when making small talk and my boy is far too precious a memory. I just will not share him lightly with people who don’t know me or I cannot trust to be sensitive. Either I end up being upset or more often now comforting the person who enquired and then feels bad when they hear that he died. It’s self preservation I guess.
All I know is that my little love and your Maddie would never doubt our love for them. You can choose who you confide in.
Sending you, Mike and Maddie a hug and a prayer
Julia Mac xx
Melissa in TN says:
I am so sorry your birthday was sad. You just said no to get through the pedi with as few questions as possible. If you said yes you’d probably have cried then too. It is ok. You didn’t betray Maddie.
I sincerely hope you find peace and next year’s birthday is a little bit easier.
M.
Maile says:
I think I would have said the same thing, and felt just as you did. I don’t really know that I should comment, because what you are going through is something so deep. But your birthday is something to celebrate – without you being here there’d be no wonderful wife for Mike, and no Madeline. And I’m glad you’re here, sharing your story, because 1) I truly do take more time to appreciate the family blessings I currently have, and 2) when sometimes I’m not sure of the good in humans, seeing the many comments on your blog shows me that there is a warm, wonderful side to people, and that people really can truly care about strangers. The strength of you and people like you awes me and makes me feel small. I happened upon you out of idle curiosity, a link from a twitter of a friend of a friend, and your story has become life-changing for my family. Strange, sad, and beautiful.
.-= Maile´s last blog ..Live with Earplugs and rosy glasses =-.
wordygirl says:
I’ve left you a few messages before. I didn’t hear about your blog and your amazing daughter until after she passed away, but I have spent the last few months reading through your entire archives, because like you said in her eulogy, I wanted to “know” Maddie for more than just her death. More than Maddie’s incredible, too-short life, I am struck by what an exemplary mother you are. I am so angry and hurt that Maddie’s gone.
All I can do is bear witness to her life, and to yours. My daughter and I pray for you every single night before she goes to bed. I am really glad you are still blogging.
Sending you love and wishing you grace.
.-= wordygirl´s last blog ..Gwen and the slide =-.
Hollie says:
I think of you and Mike daily and wish I could say something to make the pain go away. I know I can’t. I wish you happiness along this long journey of pain.
Someone sent this to me when my mother passed.
There’s a tiny space between life and death.
This space can be filled with just one breath.
I watched her as she lay there waiting
For her final breath unveiling.
She asked questions I had no answers to,
Holding her hand was all I could do.
She kept saying ‘Talk to me. Keep me awake
So that final breath I will not take’.
I watched her laying there in so much pain,
Selfishly willing her to remain;
Praying for her healing, wiping her tears,
Trying not to think about my own fears.
Listening to her breath, praying ‘Just one more’,
Fearing soon she’d pass through deaths door.
She opened her tear-filled eyes and looked at me.
I had to let her go, this I began to see.
I told her if she wanted to go, it was okay,
That in heaven we would again meet one day;
That she could continue to guide me from above
And send down to me her most precious love.
She took my hand and closed her eyes,
I felt her soul starting to rise.
A smile came upon her face,
She simply glowed in God’s gift of grace.
She quietly and peacefully drew her last breath
Filling that tiny space between life and death.
.-= Hollie´s last blog ..Do I remember? =-.
Elizabeth says:
I have nothing profound to say…just thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. Maddie knows what’s in your heart.
Laryssa says:
It’s so hard to answer a question like that. Even now, 21 years later, I find that to be the hardest question to answer. Do you say “yes” and then have to deal with all the questions or the awkwardness? Or do you say “no” and feel like you have denied the existence of your baby? I’ve learned to let the moment decide. Your heart knows you would never deny Maddie but your mind knows you don’t always want to talk about it to someone who may not understand your emotions.
You’re in my prayers.
.-= Laryssa´s last blog ..Friends, Fun, Food and Karaoke =-.
Alison says:
No words of wisdom here, only love.
.-= Alison´s last blog ..In Honor of Finals Week… =-.
Sandra says:
Heather, I remember when my cousin died unexpectadly at age 34. She stopped breathing related to medication she was taking. She was alone in her apartment. She was one of 4 children. A month or more later someone asked my aunt (her mom) how many chilldren do you have and my aunt paused. Then started crying. She recalled to us later she didn’t know how to really answer that question anymore.
My cousin’s sat in my aunts house for a long time until they spread the ashes by a tree in one of Jennifer’s favorite parks (late at night so no one would know).
Jennifer has been gone now for almost 8 years. One of her older siblings, a sister, is still a mess from the whole thing. We rarely see her at family reunions anymore. No matter whether you had them in your life for 1 year or 33 years, the loss is extreme.
I don’t have a real purpose to this comment other than to share.
.-= Sandra´s last blog ..MJ =-.
Donna says:
I feel for you, only the 26th for us has a different meaning, it was the day my daughter was born, & within 3 hours of hearing her great-grand-daughter had arrived safe & sound, my partners grand-mother passed away, so for us the day has a double meaning, where we can be joyous & sad at the same time.
Hang in there ((HUGS))
Amy says:
Saying ‘NO’ and then shedding tears seems to make sense. Certainly your sweet Maddie would never fault you for trying to guard yourself from what would definitely have been a horrible conversation that you shouldn’t have had to deal with on your birthday with a complete stranger.
On a side note as I was driving home today I passed by a mother pushing her daughter in a stroller …and the little girl was holding a single purple balloon. I’ll never see purple balloons without thinking of you, Mike and Maddie.
Still thinking of you daily.
Rumour Miller says:
Happy Belated Birthday… it’s hard to talk about the passing of a child (and I’m sure it’s even harder when it is your very own). I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Words do not seem fitting but I want to reach out to you…
.-= Rumour Miller´s last blog ..Our Ghost =-.
tara says:
i thought of you all day on your birthday heather. i can only imagine how hard it was for you and i am so very sorry. still thinking of you and sending hugs to you and mike, every day. xo
JD says:
Don’t beat yourself up over your response, Heather. You’re trying to adjust to a terrible new gap in your life, and finding ways of verbally describing it in response to casual questions is going to take time. You have all our support. xx
Domestic Extraordinaire says:
Oh Heather, ((Hugs)) xoxo
.-= Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..A flower for my friends =-.
MommyNamedApril says:
Happy Birthday Heather. I bet Madeline would understand that you didn’t want to get into it with the esthetician. I also think she’d appreciate that you shared your birthday treats with her. I’m glad you had good and caring friends to share the day with.
((hugs))
.-= MommyNamedApril´s last blog ..Four Weeks and Three Days Left. =-.
kathy says:
Happy belated birthday. Like many others have said thank you for sharing your sweet daughter with us.
Ann says:
I’m so sorry your birthday was difficult. This blog, and your lovely photos and videos, and all the good work you do for the MOD — all this speaks volumes of how important your daughter Maddie is and continues to be. Your blog is such a wonderful love story. I’m sure everything is so hard the first time…
I wish your road was a little easier.
Netty says:
Happy belated birthday. Enjoy your gifts, you deserve them!
amy says:
I am sure that question will bother you for some time. I’m sorry. But soon you will come up with an appropriate response (for the appropriate situation and person.) It will come.
LaskiGal says:
I come here and always wish I had something more to say, something thoughtful, inspiring, helpful, intelligent . . . but I don’t.
I guess I just hope you know that there is so much love out here for you, for her . . . forever.
Nichole says:
((hugs)) and happy birthday.
sometimes I dont tell people about my Liam, sometimes it’s just to much to explain, and other times I do……and I too feel guilty when I don’t mention him, I am sure everyone who has had a child die, has done the same…
Coloradolady says:
Heather, I would say Happy Birthday…but I know it was not the least bit happy.
My wish is that this year, somehow, you find peace and next year, you will be able to say Happy Birthday and mean it.
I cried tonight when I read your post. I cried for the little girl who would have loved to spend the day with her mom on her birthday, and I cried for the mom who only wants one more day with her little girl.
Life is so unfair….it just hurts to think about it.
.-= Coloradolady´s last blog ..Following Beauty by Design =-.
Kimmie says:
I love you Heather…I am glad that your day is over for you…sounds horrific…I wouldn’t know how to get through it either. Hugs…kisses…loves.
.-= Kimmie´s last blog .."MOM!" =-.
badassdadblog says:
So I already wished you happy birthday on twitter and it’s been days now since the day so I’m basically skipping the happy birthday part of this comment, but happy birthday anyway.
You need never feel guilty for not wanting to talk about heart wrenching loss with strangers. You know you have a child, and always will, whether you have 10 more or none. When people ask me if I have siblings, I make a conscious choice whether to say I have one or two, and I never feel guilty about it. Jeff wouldn’t expect me to trot out a difficult and painful topic to some random person if I don’t feel like it, and neither would Maddie. Do what feels right.
And happy birthday.
.-= badassdadblog´s last blog ..father’s day is for idiots =-.
mythoughtsonthat says:
Faith….hope….love….peace.
.-= mythoughtsonthat´s last blog ..Treasured Days =-.
Andrea's Sweet Life says:
I’m so sorry your birthay was such a tough day. I hope next year is a little better.
Love to you.
.-= Andrea’s Sweet Life´s last blog ..Kiss and Say Goodbye =-.
kymberli q. says:
I wish we could take some of your pain away. I hope you heal each and every day.
.-= kymberli q.´s last blog .."S" Family =-.
Tara in The Fort says:
Happy Birthday, sweetie. I’m sorry that this year was so hard. I wish things weren’t the way they were. Don’t feel guilty about saying “No” to the question. It was all you could say at that moment.
Haley-O says:
Best Birthday Wishes, Heather…. Hugs.
merlotmom says:
Sweetie, I am so sorry it is so hard. I wish I could do something to change it for you. I know I can’t. As always, I’m here if you need me.
Cindy says:
Bless your heart.
.-= Cindy´s last blog ..Strange =-.
dysfunctional mom says:
It’s ok if you dont want to open yourself up to strangers. And if the way to avoid that is to just simply answer no…I think that’s ok.
.-= dysfunctional mom´s last blog ..Weekend Wrap-Up 6.29.09 =-.
Kim says:
I have lied to people before telling them that I have either 3 children (lie) or that I have a 6, 5, 3, and 10 month old (lie). I always feel so guilty when I say that I have 3 children and leave Emma out. I know that she understands that sometimes it is easier for me to lie than to go into everything with a complete stranger. I am sure Madeline feels the same way.
Be gentle with yourself Mama. This is a very rough road you have been thrown on. Lean on those of us who have been there and have been stumbling along this road for a while.
Much love…
Tina says:
I wish I could give you a hug.
I wish your pain was gone and your baby wasn’t.
Please God be with you.
qcmama says:
I read your blog everyday and don’t comment often for a couple of reasons. 1. I have no clue what to say because I know nothing I say can make this better. 2. because I figure you have enough to read from everyone else. and 3. I feel guilty. guilty for having my children, guilty for having healthy pregnancies. Guilty that it was you and not me.
I read your blog today and started crying again. You share your birthday with my Madilynn. While I was celebrating my baby’s 1st birthday you were grieving on your 1st birthday without yours. And once again I feel guilty.
I won’t say ‘Happy Birthday’ cause I know how sad you are feeling. I will just tell you that you and Mike and Maddie are in my thoughts and my prayers every single day. Take care of yourselves. Lean on each other. and I will send you a great big midwest (((HUG))) I know it can’t be as good as the real thing but on these days you are feeling ‘hermitish’ it is the best I can do. That and a flight to LA is kinda expensive. Keep writing, keep venting,I will be here to listen
.-= qcmama´s last blog .. =-.
Lynette says:
I really hope that this year is filled with healing and love so that next year at midnight when you say “It’s my birthday” you’re filled with happiness and excitement, and that your memories of your sweet baby don’t cause you pain; just joy of the time you had together.
.-= Lynette´s last blog ..It’s a small, small world =-.
maria delgado says:
I am praying for you.
Leightongirl says:
From one Cancer Mom to another, happy belated birthday. I had a similar experience this year on my birthday, since I couldn’t help but think about last year, when my son was still alive. I wish you peace, and want you to know you are not alone.
.-= Leightongirl´s last blog ..It must be summer =-.
Miss E says:
I still think of you and Maddie everday and send prayers of love and peace.
Happy belated birthday.
.-= Miss E´s last blog ..Happy Birthday, Miss E! =-.
Al_Pal says:
*sniff*
I also believe that Maddie understands. May the year bring much healing for you.