Every morning when I wake up, I have to decide if I’m going to live that day. I don’t mean live vs die (that is not an option). I mean get out of bed. Eat. Function. LIVE. It is a choice I have to make every day. And at the end of every day, I am shocked I made it through.
I look back at the first minutes, hours, days, weeks without Madeline, and I don’t know how I survived. When I think about the next five minutes without her, I don’t know how I will survive. Every minute takes me further away from her, and sometimes when I think about it I literally get sick.
As strange as it sounds, I wish I could go back to those last moments when I held her. I was in shock and my brain snapped into survival mode. I wish I could hold her against my body again and truly appreciate that it was the last time I was going to feel her body, inhale her scent, touch her skin. Shock gets you through but it leaves you with a lot of regret.
Of course, if a fairy was giving wishes, I have a few I’d like granted first.
I look to the other mothers & fathers who have lost their children, and I draw from them. When I think I can’t possibly make it through ONE MORE SECOND, I know that I can because they have, and they are. These parents, who are ahead of Mike and me on this hideous path, are where I draw my strength. They are surviving. I can survive.
Even if the surviving is the hardest part.
Backpacking Dad says:
Love to you two. Every day, love to you two. And every day, love to you three. And every day, love to you…four.
.-= Backpacking Dad´s last blog ..Backpacking Dad’s Insomniac Child Workout =-.
ali (adil320) says:
Oh muther effer Shawn. I was sniffing along with Heather and you just whipped me over the edge.
Every day, love to you all.
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..How to get a Sponsor for BlogHer ‘10 =-.
Michelle Pixie says:
Precisely and much more eloquently said then I could have possibly ever said.
Hugs & Love
.-= Michelle Pixie´s last blog ..She Wolf =-.
I think during the hardest times, we surprise ourselves by what we’re able to do. The people around us give us more strength than we could ever imagine.
.-= Maura´s last blog ..Finding Balance at BlogHer =-.
I think Backpacking Dad said it best…word for word.
-from we 4
In Due Time says:
I’m thinking and praying for you. You gain strength from that sweet baby girl.
.-= In Due Time´s last blog ..CVS Bandaids =-.
Kate in NZ says:
Thank you, Heather, for giving grief such a strong voice. I truly wish you didn’t have to, that no-one had to. Hugs.
.-= Kate in NZ´s last blog ..Manners =-.
god i wish there was a manual for this part of parenting, for this part of life. but as someone on the outside looking in i have to say you are doing it with the greatest grace…i know it is because you have this angel with the most amazing smile and astonishing blue eyes on your shoulder.
thank you for getting up today and sharing.
.-= laura´s last blog ..fortitude =-.
Maddie would want you to live. But I’m pretty sure she also wouldn’t mind if you spent a day in bed, every now and then. To cuddle her in spirit, to remember what once was. I’ve spent many a day under the covers, pinning for what once was. I wouldn’t say I’m ‘better’ but I know that was a big part of getting to where I am. I don’t consider it a waste of time or effort, I consider it what I needed to do to get through the day. And sometimes that’s far more productive and tough then I ever thought imagineable. Be proud of any day that passes, however sad or happy. Whatever gets you through, chickey-poo. I think of you often and always. *hugs*!
.-= Kristel´s last blog ..Love Loathe Letters, Vol II =-.
catherine lucas says:
We often do not know how we got through things. I think most people have a special load of strength hidden till they need it. It pops up on those moments where we think we will drown in sorrow and grief. I can relate to the fact that every day takes you further away from Maddie. But every day also brings you closer to Binkie. Hmmm, don’t know if this is a good thinking path. Thinking about you, Mike, Maddie and Binkie a LOT. Sending good vibes.
.-= catherine lucas´s last blog ..Whitby wildlife… =-.
I think Backpacking Dad said it better than I can. I pray everyday…more of a rageful prayer…I think things that I would never admit aloud, that I didn’t realize I was capable of thinking, that mostly end in ‘…if God saved them, why not Maddie?’ I know this isn’t a helpful or comforting comment. I’m normally better at at least focusing on conveying the immeasurable amount of love I have for you in my stranger/friend heart…of sharing what your sharing has shown me…of thanking you for letting me, a simple 20 something stranger/friend nursing student, have the opportunity..the honor…to know you, to know Mike, to know Maddie and to share you precious Spohrs who I have come to love with those I love. Sorry…this is rambling & disjointed…Heather-you are one of the most amazing warriors I have ever known. Each day you lead a crusade, you fight the good fight…you face pain and heartache and images that will leave you changed…but you do it still. For Maddie, for sweet Binky, for your family and friends, and for those who are learning the steps to the grief dance…who are struggling with the hardest thing and who are looking to you just as you look to others who have carved the broken road you all journey on. I hate that you have to walk it, but I’m glad you’re in good company and I know that Maddie is so so proud (and probably thinking how awesome your hair looks too ;))
I don’t claim to have any idea what it takes for you to get through the days… I have enough imagination to visualize incredible pain, but I am sure that my imagination does not do any justice to what you are facing. I am thinking of you and Maddie every day, sending out positive thoughts and vibes every day. Just don’t be hard on yourself… if you feel like staying in bed, stay in bed. If it is what it takes to get you through the day, so be it. :many hugs:
.-= Andrea´s last blog ..Disappointed… =-.
Heather I look at my parents, who all these years after my baby brother died have created a beautiful and happy life. The void, is always, will always be there. But what is incredible, to them and to me is how my sweet baby brother is remembered every day, honoured every day and so deeply loved. I like to think that’s what your sweet Maddie is doing.
Though never ever a choice any would have made.
.-= Seraphim´s last blog ..Rory’s Garden =-.
Oh Heather, I know. I’m only a few months ahead of you on this hideous road but I look to you as much as you may look to me. We can all learn so much from each other and lean on each other. I have no idea how I’m surviving either, but we don’t really get a choice. We just have to go on. You are doing such an amazing job so far. Our losses were very different, but the ache in our hearts would be much the same. Thanks for your continued honesty.
.-= Sally´s last blog ..Slow days =-.
In my own way I understand a lot of what you’ve said.
Even on the days when you can’t bring yourself to get up you have an amazing well of strength.
.-= Bec´s last blog ..Fire Kyle! But what about the mother? =-.
Heather, even though you sometimes don’t know how you can get through the next five minutes, you and Mike, and others who have suffered such an enormous loss, seem like the strongest people in the world to me, even if you don’t feel that way.
xoxo from CT,
.-= amanda´s last blog ..me. only better. =-.
We only knew our beloved son in utero but losing him at birth was painful. I don’t know if any of the comments I have made since you lost Maddie have helped you at all but I hope so. You and Mike are brave beyond words, as are all parents who lose a child.
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..we’re unconventional together =-.
True that tragedy seems to find hidden reservoirs of strength. Staying in bed is a valid choice, some days. I hope there are many more days where that is not needed, and I think someday, you’ll not just survive, but thrive.
Thinking of you all, each day. ♥
Nothing I can really add which has not already been said above me. Just know we love ya’ll here in our home. *huggles and snuggles and cuddles*
.-= Earth_Mommy´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Face Palm =-.
You are doing all you can do and by choosing to live, you are honoring Madeline. Hang in there. Thinking of you…
jessica b says:
I just wanted to say that I thibk that you are one of the strongest people I “know”. No one should have to go throught what you and Mike are going through. I dont know anyone who could portray the strength and courage in such a way that everyone can begin to understand what you are going through, as well as you do. thank you for putting it out there for all of us to try to understand. I pray for you all the time.
Mate I’ve had my share of loss and pain in life .. but what you are dealing with is incomprehensible to me, like living on a different planet.
You are proving how breathtakingly amazing the human spirit can be.
Don’t give in. I speak from experience. One day spent not living makes the next one easier. But find a way to be good to yourself, and the baby!
.-= Middle-Aged-Woman´s last blog ..How I Imagine The End of Black Hockey Jesus’ Blog Transpired =-.
Shannon Kieta says:
Not that I don’t think that the other parent’s who lost their children too aren’t helping you, I don’t believe it’s totally what’s getting you through. I believe Maddie is playing a big part in getting you through. Also, Binky is a big help. He is not even here yet and he IS getting you through, because his bond with you and Mike are getting stronger each and everyday. By the way, when do we find out it’s really Bodi Christopher Spohr?
You are getting stronger everyday because you ARE a strong woman and have a survival instinct. You know you have to get through for Mike and Binky and ( Rigby). There are sooo many people that rely on you every day to be “you”. Maddie gives you strength” She is your guardian angel! never forget that! And never forget that I am here for you…always, remember, I have adopted you as my sister now!!!
P.S. If you get a few minutes download the song:
When I get to where I’m going – by: Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton.
It is so beautiful. I listen to it EVERYDAY! It reminds me so much of my sister. The words are phenominal and fit perfectly! I think you will LOVE it! Let me know what you think. Luv Ya!
Midwest Mommy says:
You have taught me so much. I will try never to take a moment for granted because you were willing to share your story. Thank you.
.-= Midwest Mommy´s last blog ..I like to make friends =-.
can never even begin to imagine what each day is like for you…but through your words…I beginning to understand…when I think about if I was in your shoes…I don’t know if I would have even been able to get to your spot…you are so amazingly strong…I can’t begin to tell you
.-= lesley´s last blog ..Your Esteemed Panel of Judges…. =-.
Kristen McD says:
Sending you so much love.
Loves and hugs. And every but of strength and reason that I can send your way
Kay Martin says:
I’m so sorry you’re hurting. Sending love to you and Mike. I wish I could do more to help.
It is so un fair . You should have maddie and you shouldnt of had to go threw of letting her go. Just hold on to the memories and what ever else brings you comfort. My thoughts are with you every day.
Erin B. from VA says:
Sending you so many hugs… you are amazing, Heather. You inspire me every single day.
Much love –
Once again, your honesty is so wonderful. Thank you for it.
.-= Rach´s last blog ..i ran my dad’s car into a guard rail =-.
((((hugs and peace to get through this day))))
.-= Deborah´s last blog ..New Etsy Listings =-.
I’m so sorry that you two have to live with this horrible loss. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story with all of us. It inspires me to be able to live through my own struggles. At first I was inspired by Maddie alone, and now I’m inspired by all of you.
.-= Jen´s last blog ..UPDATED: So someone has the same blog title as me… =-.
I’m crying with you, thinking of the last time you held her perfect little body in your arms.
I can only imagine how much effort it must take just to do the basics every day. Just remember we are all thinking of you and Maddie!
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..An Example =-.
If you can draw strength from the journey of another mother who suffered the greatest loss, then you will be strengthened richly by Christina. Her writing is amazing.
.-= Christie´s last blog ..Oops, I have a blog =-.
About going back to the last time you held Maddie… yes. I understand. I have not lost a child, but I understand completely. If there was some way to imprint every single last millisecond with those I love who are gone on my brain forever, I’d go back and do that.
I think of all of you often, as do so many of us. Keep making it through, second by second.
.-= J´s last blog ..For your listening pleasure =-.
Bridget's Mom says:
Heather, please know that you are ahead of us in this awful journey and we gain strength from you as you do from those who have gone before you. I have days where I think I’m going to make it through and I have more days when I just don’t know. There is no rule book for this kind of grief… it just sucks. My comfort comes from the thought that Bridget is now in the capable hands of my grandparents and friends and family who have gone before— and I’m quite sure that she and Maddie are having lots of fun together and will keep an eye on their parents forever. But I’d give anything for one more hug or to hear one more giggle. I just have to hope that we’ll all be together again someday.
nic @mybottlesup says:
love. you are loved.
.-= nic @mybottlesup´s last blog ..The Must-Have Mom Manual =-.
I think you’re right about the shock. That’s got to be all that gets people through the horrendous things that happen.
Your writing is so honest and amazing – and just as you draw from other parents that have been through this before you – I.m sure (unfortunately) there are people drawing strength from you that are also somehow living through this experience.
.-= Melany´s last blog ..The Best of the Country 2009 =-.
The grace and beauty of your words have helped me to get up and go through my own grief. While my own is much different from yours…I draw strength from your example.
from a stranger who sends you much love…
Surviving is the hardest part, you are right. There will always be regrets, there is no way around it. I also wish I’d held Emma longer, and realized that I wasn’t going to get to hold her again. But, it is what it is.
If you can’t get out of bed, then don’t. Stay in bed. You won’t get this chance to grieve like this when the baby comes, so do it now. You are surviving and even though it means that you are getting further away from the time when you last held and saw Maddie, it doesn’t diminish the love you have for her and she has for you. I remember thinking if anything changed about me or my life, it meant that I was going on, and surviving without Emma. That’s not a bad thing, it just feels so wrong. Know that it is ok to survive, laugh and love without Maddie in your arms.
It is ok to survive and someday you’ll even be able to live.
.-= Kim´s last blog ..BlogHer Recap =-.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
I hate to be repetitive, but I’m thinking of you and Mike so often. There’s a little girl Maddie’s age down the street, and every time I see her, my heart breaks for you.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..When a family member is cookoo… =-.
Sending you love. I hope that each day it gets easier to choose to “live”. I know in my heart that Maddie will always be a source of love and strength for all of your family, including Binky.
.-= Angi´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.
You know what?
I play this crazy ass fantasy through my head. In it, I never tell the anyone that Olivia passed, and I keep her in our house…just so I could always hold her “one more time”…
This is all just so many shades of wrong.
.-= won´s last blog ..Over…and OUT =-.
Sara Joy says:
Did you know that you and Mike are the parents that I look to? I’m glad you choose to live, and to share, thank you.
.-= Sara Joy´s last blog ..How Much Is Too Much? =-.
Good for you, it’s all about baby steps…..and you are not going away from Maddie, you are getting closer by living, trust me.
Something in your post the other day resounded with me. You said that Tuesdays are hard. I was instantly connected to you and then I read further. You see, Tuesdays are hard for me too. I realize that, though we will likely never meet, we both lost our children on Tuesday, April 7, 2009. I was 17 weeks along with my son and like you, count every day, every week, and every moment that he’s not here.
I try not to, but like you posted today, it’s a choice. To live. I do have three other living children and I have to make that choice every day to live and try to be a good mama for them. It’s been so very hard. I don’t know how I’ve gotten through these last couple of months.
I understand and feel completely like you do today. I just wanted you to know that. To know that you are not alone, especially on Tuesdays. ((HUGS)).
It will be 6 years in September since I lost my son. I will always regret not holding him longer after he passed. And I regret not taking him to the ER sooner. The first year was the most difficult. My daughter was born right before the one year anniversary. We had so much to be thankful for and yet, I missed my boy.
You can do this, Heather. You *are* doing this. Even when it’s minute by minute.
And you’re not alone. It may feel like it but we are all walking with you.
.-= JennK´s last blog ..Cleaning up my own mess. =-.
Shawn Wood says:
Please pray for my friends Greg and Whitney. Lost baby in 19 weeks of pregnancy.
Sometimes I just don’t know what to say- today is one of those days- so I will just listen and hold your hand.
Oh how I wish that we could all go back and have more time.
You are doing it Heather. Day by day, hour by hour and minute by minute.
I know you say that you look at others for strength but you know what, even someone who has been there/done that for ten years – I look towards you for strength as well.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Sunday At Our House =-.
I always look forward to your posts, even when they are sooo heartbreakingly sad. You have such a gift for explaining your feelings and what you are going through.
And, by doing this, you have really made stranger/friends love your little Maddie for more than her beautiful face. She will never be forgotten. You’ve hooked us.
I don’t know how you’ve survived. Except that little one inside you that keeps you going. Second by second.
No sufficient words today.
Only (((HUGS))) from your friend in Florida
You are truly a family of strength and great love. Another family I admire who have gone before you on this terrible path…
She started out blogging on http://www.scotthousehold.com (or was it thescotthousehold.com)
May you find continued strength through others who have been there.
Oh, this post and the one of Maddie laughing are so precious…the words are not coming to me so I’ll just send you my support and tell you that I think you are an amazing mom.
.-= jana´s last blog ..Sleek tile =-.
Adventures In Babywearing says:
Oh Heather, I know you probably hear this all the time and I don’t know if it helps or makes it hurt even more, but your story, your Maddie, reminds me to breathe in mine a little longer. Hold them a little closer. You really have forever changed my thinking about mothering my children, how fragile this life is. I am so sorry you get to be the teacher in this classroom. I know you never would have signed up for this… I think about you and continue to pray peace in your mind and heart as you choose to live each day.
.-= mythoughtsonthat´s last blog ..United =-.
Dear sweet Heather,
Tears are falling down my face as I type this, your words reach out to me in a way I have never experienced before. Your pain reaches out to me, your longing for your precious Maddie and your fight for survival reach out to me too. Dear sweet Heather, please know that like so many other people all over the world, I too, your stranger friend here in Luxembourg, am walking this path with you. I am at a loss as to how to be of comfort, please know that I read every post you write, your words always have an effect on me and as always I am sending you all my love and support – every second, every minute, every hour, every single day. You have made such an impact on me, Heather. My life has forever changed since reading your blog. Your precious Maddie has made the most profound impact on my life too. Dear sweet Heather, we are all here with you helping you to survive. I just wish there was something I could do for you to ease your pain. I honour and remember your precious World Famous Maddie every, single day.
Thinking of you as always and sending you lots of love
Erica in Luxembourg
I am so sorry for your journey. (HUGS)
.-= Debby´s last blog ..COMPANY’S COMING =-.
I’m so glad you’ve found some other parents you can look to for support. Meantime, the Internet’s always open
Kim Wencl says:
Always remember that the bond of love that you and Maddie share can never be broken – not even by death! The bond I share with my Elizabeth is stronger than ever and we will mark the sixth anniversary of her passing on Sept. 20th.
There is no way to explain this bond in words, but it is completely a part of your being and you will always feel it to the depths of your soul. It is not wishful thinking – it is real and it is just amazling and lovely.
Time is illusional – some times it feels as if Liz has been gone for a day – other times it feels like it’s been 100 years – and the feelings are exactly the same.
Some bonds transcend time and space and dimension and the bond between a mother and her child is one of them.
Take heart – you and Maddie will always be connected – trust me – it’s real.
Going on with life in love and joy as you are doing little by little is the best way to honor her.
Take good care!
.-= Kim Wencl´s last blog ..Dreams Are Important =-.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] says:
One shower at a time.
.-= Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog ..Can’t get much lower on the health chain =-.
Heather, I shared your amazing story with a friend this weekend and she told me of someone she also knows that had lost her baby boy a week after he was born. It’s been over a year since she lost her son, and since has had another son. She also has two older children. I read some of her blogs a year after her loss, and it seems as though she still mourns him and wonders what he’d be like and what he’d be doing. He has definitely not been forgotten. As Maddie too will never be forgotten, and will always remain close in your heart!
I shared some of your archives with her from the earlier days after Maddie had past, and I saw such a wonderful progression in you. Even if today you still struggle with getting up to exist, I want you to know that you have come so far in your mourning process. I used to journal a lot! Especially through the roughest times. I occasionally went back to read my entries, but found it to be so hard to think that I was in that place once. Because I wasn’t in that place anymore. But it really helped me to see my growth, spiritually and emotionally and it makes you realize that you are stronger than you think and no matter what the situation is, you can get through it.
I encourage you to take a look back at your blogs, because I think that you’ll see how far you’ve actually come and realize that you still feel tremendously close to your daughter, but that the light is starting to shine on your life again and you are in deed coming out of the darkness. Just think, every minute that you think you’re moving away from Maddie, you’re also one more minute closer to meeting your little Binky. And even though Binky will never ever replace Maddie, he/she will restore your desire to eat, function, and live again.
Stay strong! You’re doing great!
God bless you today and always!
Liz B. says:
God, Heather, I don’t know you, and I want to just wrap you up in a giant hug.
My high school had the terrible distinction of losing kids every year — mostly in traffic accidents. And back then, even when we were 16 and thought we were grown, looking at those kids’ parents was so awful. I now, looking back all those years, I know just how young we were, and that what their parents felt was unimaginable to any of us who thought we could. And so, your grief is unimaginable to me now, but I hope that each day it gets just a little bit easier to breathe.
I don’t know how you and all of the other parents do it. Stay strong!
.-= Marisa´s last blog ..Bunny’s Tiny Things: Table in a Bag =-.
heather – you ARE surviving. and you ARE inspiring so many other people to do the same, no matter what they have (or have not) been through. and even though i don’t know you, i am here, listening and wrapping you, mike and maddie in hugs from afar. thinking of you all the time…xo
I have been silently reading your blog for months now, yet never commenting. So often, I was at loss for words. I’m sorry just doesn’t cut it. I can’t tell you that it will get better because it never will. However, I can tell you that I think you are amazing and that my prayers are with you. I can tell you that I think you make me a better mother. I can also say that I greatly admire your strength. Keep on keeping on.
.-= Jessica´s last blog ..In My Life…. =-.
Andrea's Sweet Life says:
I wish you didn’t have to go through this. I wish none of the parents you’re talking about ever had to go through this. But I’m so glad, SO glad, that you have them to guide you and give you strength.
.-= Andrea’s Sweet Life´s last blog ..Front and Back =-.
Ohh Heather….you are survivng and you will continue to do so with as much strength and grace as we have all witness here on your Blog. I can probably guess, so many of us…including myself, are inspired by you and are in awe of your strength. You are a wonderful mommy! I wish more than anything I could place Maddie gently in your arms one last time as well. I’m sorry and so sad I can’t.
Sending you continual prayers and love from Canada..
Your Stranger Friend,
Hi there! I’ve read for a long time, never commented. I just feel so horrible that you have to go through this. Sorry doesn’t do anything, I realize this, but what else do you say? I can say I look at my children in a whole new light, I am a better mother because of you. I cherish EVERYTHING! Every moment! They are healthy, but life is short and you are inspiring. Please keep writing, you are helping others, i want you to know. Pour yourself into this new baby, I know it will not replace Maddie but you will have a child that needs to know of her sister. I believe you will all be together again. Stay strong.
I can only imagine how hard surviving must be. Love you, dude. Just don’t tell anyone I have feelings, okay?
Tina Hosko says:
I, like you, hate being in the club of “surviving parents”. I hate being asked “what do you want for your birthday . . or Christmas.” Anyone who truly knows me, would never ask this question because the answer is just so obvious. Even years from now – we all want “just one more” . . kiss, hug, memory, smell – ANY of the above and ALL of the above.
And yet, when I seriously think about actually having “just one more” . . it would still not be enough, nor be of comfort. It would only make me want an unlimited supply of “just one more’s”
The only thing that does satify me is knowing that I had the pleasure having the best gift in life ever.
Maybe for only a few years – but if someone offered you the choice: to never have known your child and thus avoid the pain . . . or to have her in your arms and every kiss, giggle, smile, only to go thru this hell – I know your answer would probably be the same as mine.
I love my children – all of them. I have become a much better parent because I know what I lost. I am who I am and what I am because of Kristi –
Please find comfort in knowing the love you shared with Maddie was so pure and genuine. Many go thru their entire lives without ever having a minute of experiencing this.
mrs. chicken says:
I don’t know how you feel and I can only get close to the edge when I try to imagine it. What I do know is that every day that you live, you honor your daughter — and your new child. And also, yourself. Love to you.
.-= mrs. chicken´s last blog ..It’s The Thought That Counts, And Rearranging Deck Chairs =-.
Love, prayers.. every day.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Oh THIS is how I do that.. =-.
You’re moving forward every day. You have happiness, love, and joy ahead of you. Giggles and belly laughs, wonderful holidays and vacations and every day little moments that make you smile. It’s coming. You won’t always feel this way. The pain will become manageable. It will get better and hurting less won’t distance you from Maddie. Moving forward isn’t moving away from her. She’ll always be your precious daughter tucked into your heart.
This is my third try, let’s see if my comment won’t get eaten by the ether, shall we?
No words but *mwah*
.-= Alison´s last blog ..Which One AM I? =-.
Some “right day”, I (I think WE) would like to hear what it is that you find to live for. On any given day, whether it’s the same each day or different for every day, each hour – what does your heart find to push/pull/drag it along?
During the moments that you’re not blinded by tears, what things have caught your eye, your heart in the past days, weeks? What fun or beautiful things have you been able to enjoy? Obviously you’ve blogged about a few of the big ones; I guess I’m actually asking about the smaller things, the ones that you may have barely been conscious of while they were going by? A cute look from Rigby, the (somehow) refreshing feeling of being able to be pissed at the doofus who hung stuff on the sprinklers, the way the light passed across the street one evening.
Let’s see if my comment goes through this time. Hope so — a wonky site is the last thing you need.
So, I was trying to say that you’re such a beautiful, wonderful writer. I’m glad you have something that you enjoy and that you’re clearly so talented at — this writing — to help you along the “hideous path.” To help you survive day to day. ((hugs))
.-= Haley-O´s last blog ..Just Thought You Should Know…. =-.
I want to thank you for the lessons I have learned from reading your blog. I have some friends who lost a daughter/sister this weekend to a car crash. I feel like I have learned lessons on how to act (and better- how not to) when I see them. I know that does not help you with your grief but I hope that you realize that through your words you have helped others. Thank you for that and for sharing all that you do.
I heard you speak at BlogHer and I have been reading for some time….although I do not “know” you, you and Mike and your Binky and your Maddie are in my heart and my prayers….it is so hard sometimes to come here and read your pain but your honesty and strength are inspiring…and my mother heart aches for your mother heart. That is all I can say…..
.-= Lee´s last blog ..BlogHer ’09: The Top 10 Things I Learned as a First Time Attendee =-.
Thank you for being so honest. You are so open about your grief. Of course, it makes me sad, but it also encourages me. You keep fighting. You’re surviving. Thanks for sharing yourself with all of us. It means so much. You have a beautiful story that touches me with each post. Your beautiful little girl with always be remembered.
.-= Courtney´s last blog ..Libby, Libben, Libler of the Libbenshire… and Libya =-.
Maria Delgado says:
I pray that GOD pours His strenght into you.
“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.”
*Maria E. Delgado*
Heather, you ARE surviving, and Maddie wouldn’t want it any other way. I’m sure it’s okay to stay in bed under the covers every now and again, when you feel like you absolutely have to and need to and you just get to relax and are doing the right thing for Binky’s health too. Sending you hugs! XX
Surviving. At the crux of it all that is simply what we are trying to do. It seems so simple, but it isn’t. Is it. As a mother missing her own child I know you don’t want to hear that it gets easier, but I promise you it does. Day by day, minute by minute, the moments of shear devastation become fewer and futher between and shorter in duration. You will always have those days where just getting out of bed and taking that first breath of morning air seems more than you are capable of, your broken heart struggling to beat from the pain of it. But we survive. I don’t know how, but we do
.-= Kat´s last blog ..We’re back in business! =-.
april in NJ says:
Oh Heather… one day at a time, one breath at a time, one decision at a time, one second at a time… you are surviving even if sometimes if feels like you’re not. You are in inspiration to so so many people. I know this isn’t how you want to inspire… but your honesty, grace, and perserverance… your faith and your non-faith… they all draw us to you. God bless you always Heather Spohr. I’m proud to say that I “know” you.
I never realized how many people have lost children and I’m so saddened by that. I really am. God bless all of you that have lost a child whether as a toddler, teenager, or an adult! My heart aches for you all!
I remember the days after I had my daughter, I had horrible fears of dropping her or something terrible happening. And mostly I’m sure it was due to hormones, but it truly is a risk that you take when you become a parent.
Heather, I’m truly glad that you have decided to move forward with your plans to have another child even after this tremendous loss. It says that you’re willing to risk it all again!
It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
surviving is definitely the hardest part and every day seems harder and harder. i wish it was getting easier but it doesn’t seem like it.
.-= gorillabuns´s last blog ..vacation is all i ever wanted. vacation happened to get away =-.
And though I’ve only been on this awful path for 2 weeks and only got to know my little boy for 2 days, I draw strength from you.
.-= Stacey´s last blog ..2 weeks little boy =-.
…the last time. I think about that all the time when I look back at photos – realizing “Wow, that was the last time we would all be together, and we didn’t even know.” It breaks my heart. I think my last words to my sis were ‘This sucks” which was very true but I wish I had said something else instead.
.-= Suebob´s last blog ..Embarrassing BlogHer Moment #3 =-.
The fact that you and Mike get outta bed everyday makes you rock stars. God love you both and I am still thinking of you all everyday.
I think my dad has met Maddie in heaven by now. Dad and Frank Sinatra are probably teaching Maddie to play Texas Hold ‘Em.
.-= Michelle-WhiteTrashMom´s last blog ..Back to School Fashion: Funky, Fun and Easy Volunteer Jobs! =-.
Sophia B. says:
I am sending you lots of love. You are brave and wise to share your grief through your blog. Some would have not LIVED as you have.
.-= Sophia B.´s last blog ..Dealing with Unlucky Predictions for Your Chinese Zodiac Sign =-.