I have always enjoyed sleeping, but I’ve never been a good sleeper. I’m a night owl and that doesn’t lend itself well to getting a good night’s sleep. Throw in a child who is also a night owl, and sleep before midnight was a rare occurrence.
I loved the mornings, though. Maddie, Rigby, and I would sleep late every weekday. Mike would kiss us goodbye, and Maddie would wake enough to smile at him and then roll into my arms. I loved wrapping myself around her warm little body. We’d lay curled up together for hours, inhaling and exhaling each other, dreaming and content. She’d let me know it was time to get out of bed with a big stretch before she’d sit up in bed and say “HI!” with a bright sunny smile on her face. I’d always try to convince her to stay in bed with me for a few more minutes for a few more moments of bliss.
Now I sleep even worse than I used to. My arms are empty and her spot in our bed is filled with her favorite toys and blankets. Falling asleep is so hard, but waking isn’t any better.
In the mornings now, I lay in bed for hours before I give up on sleep. But before I get out of bed, I roll onto my back. I rub my belly, and I wait to feel my second daughter stir awake. I feel her stretch inside, and I can picture her throwing her arms and legs out just like her sister. I imagine her sitting up in bed and saying, “Hi!” with a bright sunny smile on her face. I try to think about the snuggles we’ll have every morning once she’s here.
And then I try to get out of bed.
That’s so sweet. *HUGS*
.-= Lauren´s last blog ..A blog about blogging. And being crazy. =-.
I know you hear it all the time, but your strength is an inspiration. Even though you don’t know me, I am really pulling for you and your family. I have been since I stumbled on your site months ago. You deserve all the happiness in the world. Thanks for sharing your journey.
Insomnia only got worse for me, too. The very early hours of the morning when I would snuggle with bug continue to make me ache and miss him.
Then I look down at the adorable bundle that is his baby brother and it helps.
I want you to have a little one fill your arms again…Maddie will always fill your heart.
Love you babe. xo
.-= Loralee´s last blog ..Can I have a vagina and still admit that I am not a fan of “Twilight”? =-.
I just know that Binky will LOVE those moments with you. Wishing you a lifetime of amazing moments
many hugs to you all
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Watching daddy play beach volleyball =-.
I too am a night owl…hence the reason it is 1 am and I am posting a comment on your blog
Honestly the fact that you get out of bed or aim for it says a lot. When I have went through depression spells, I would have times I wouldn’t even think or try to get out of bed. Heck, even not depressed I don’t always want to get out of bed!
Kim @ Beautiful Wreck says:
So much joy awaits you. Sweet days are ahead. I hope a special kind of peace comes over you and Mike as your new baby enters your lives.
.-= Kim @ Beautiful Wreck´s last blog ..Crafty Goodness: Home Fall Decorations =-.
Kate @ UpsideBackwards says:
Oh, I can almost feel the warmth and smell the sweet baby-smell and hear the bright sunny “Hi!”. Thank you for painting such a vivid and delicious picture for us, Heather.
.-= Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last blog ..Balloon animals =-.
*sniff* *misty eyes*
Awwww! So darling. I hope Binky enjoys morning cuddles with you — soon, but not too soon.
Praying / good vibing for a fully-baked Miss Binky.
Tanya Hanson says:
Hugs and prayers to you all! I don’t get here as often as I should, but you are always in my heart.
Reminds me of those precious days so long ago when my babies were in my arms as well. now they are strong independent teens who I love to the end but I sure miss the snuggly times
.-= habanerogal´s last blog ..It’s been a month now =-.
What is strikingly lovely about you & Mike right now is how you are going through hell, but you are still GOING. Therein lies the inspiration, even when you feel empty. I look so forward to Binky and her unique perfection that is already forming inside of you. She chose good parents, that one. Good judgment, just like her sister.
I love you both – you all. xo
((HUGS)) Here’s hoping she makes you wait a looooonggg time for those snuggles!! Like, 40 weeks long.
I know how weird this must sound but I just want to give you a giant hug.
.-= pamela´s last blog ..Breast Cancer. =-.
I have said it before and i will say it again, you write beautifully. This scenario happens at my house too, also like you I get soo sick while preggers. While pregnant with my son it was so bad I was put on bed rest, the placenta abruption also had something to do with it but none the less the puking was none stop. I am wondering if you would share with me what it is that Dr.Risky suggested that you are so excited to try, please? I would forever be grateful. Mahalo and Aloha!
i have not commented before…i have started to…many times. here and on your husband’s blog. but this post…i could not stop the tears. damnit, it is not fair. you should all be together and while nothing i can say will make a difference, i want you to know that my heart if broken for your family. i wish nothing but health and a long life of love and hugs for your second daughter.
this time, i’ll hit submit before i delete my comment.
.-= rachel´s last blog ..australian wrap up . daily life photoblogging =-.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Can I just say “ditto” to all the comments above?
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..With this ring, I thee pester =-.
ditto for me too…….
thinking of and praying for you and your family.
I bet Binky can’t wait either.
xo from CT,
.-= amanda´s last blog ..what kind of tree am I? =-.
Scary Mommy says:
Lying in bed with sweet Maddie in the morning sounds heavenly. I hope Binky is the same way for you. But, she might just be a 5am riser like mine. Just once I’d love them to lounge in bed with me!
Awww. I know this all very well. We’re night owls here and we cosleep in a family bed. It’s as you describe. I hope that your arms will not feel empty much longer.
.-= stephanie´s last blog ..We’ve moved and I’m a year older. =-.
That was a good one!! (((hug)))
.-= Janet´s last blog .. =-.
I know your life will never be complete again. However, I am hoping you can find moments of peace and Maddie will visit you with sweet dreams.
those early morning wake ups in your tummy are so amazing aren’t they?
truly not the same as having your little in your arms. but quietly perfect in their own little way.
.-= jen´s last blog ..cora’s blue eyes =-.
Is Binky a night owl too? I remember night time was always Tyler’s favorite time to do his tap dance on my organs.
Hugs & snugglely thoughts
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..12 or 13, who’s counting? =-.
O dear sweet Heather there are going to be so many snuggles for you and Mike to look forward to with the extra special Binky Bean. Your special Binky Bean is already helping you to get out of bed in the mornings, what a clever little lady – just like her big sister Maddie. I can so vividly picture your precious Maddie saying Hi to you in the mornings and letting you know it was time to get out of bed. Your words are so beautiful, just like you, dear sweet lady. You are such an amazing lady, so strong and courageous. You are such an inspiration.
Sending you lots of love from afar
your friend, Erica in Luxembourg
I’m happy that you will have someone to snuggle with again.
.-= Christy´s last blog ..I Guess You Could Say I’m Overwhelmed =-.
Jen @ lifelove'n'wine says:
You’re amazing. I’m so glad that you have such wonderful memories of Maddie, and that Binky has given you something to look forward to in the future.
.-= Jen @ lifelove’n’wine´s last blog ..Signs, signs, Everywhere Signs =-.
My girl would play soccer in my belly all night long, I loved to watch my stomach dance.
Binky’s going to love snuggling with you and waking in your arms. Your gurdian angel is going to smile down on you from above.
.-= Karen´s last blog ..Enough of the negativity =-.
Shannon Kieta says:
And Binky, too will snuggle and inhale and exhale with you, taking in all that love. Not wanting to get out of bed for the right reasons, for once! You will feel somewhat human again…I promise. Hang on Heather…It won’t be much longer! Shannon
It won’t be long now…Binky will steal your heart and fill your arms that are longing for your baby. You must be filled with such conflict. I wish you peace as you try to juggle your emotions.
And those snugs will be here in just a short few months!!! I can’t wait for that for you!!!
Have a happy day!!
Binky is already so blessed to have a momma that is trying SO hard to forge ahead for her sake AND a momma that can’t wait to snuggle with. Snuggling is the best! Breathing in their unique scent. I can’t wait for you to have that again…but at least after 37 weeks!
~ Hugs from TX
Mama Cas says:
What an absolute heartbreak….to ache for the baby that’s gone and to long for the baby that’s coming. I can begin to know how you’re feeling, but I can imagine that your head is spinning with all of the conflicting emotions. I think about your family every day and I’m wishing you the best for the remainder of your pregnancy.
Sending much love and (((hugs))) your way.
Oh, I miss those lazy mornings. My oldest daughter wasn’t a night owl but she loved sleeping in with me. My youngest would stay asleep as long as she had somebody to sleep with. I’ve often wished that it was the other way around!
.-= JennK´s last blog ..Fourteen. =-.
I know I say this every time. Thinking of you and sending hugs.
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..Family =-.
((((hugs to you today))))
.-= Deborah´s last blog ..More Sketching =-.
Binky doesn’t know how lucky she is…
-Another Stranger Who Cares
Those memories of Maddie snuggled in your arms will always fill your heart and soon you’ll have Binky here to fill your empty arms.
Much love to you guys.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Singing In The Rain =-.
catherine Lucas says:
Binky could be a morning person though, so you will have to get up for her… It can go either way. ;o))))
I hope Binky will be a full grown snuggler…
.-= catherine Lucas´s last blog ..More time warp and into Masham Sheep Fair =-.
Thinking of you Heather!
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] says:
Snuggle Abby Cadabby those extra few minutes and remember Maddie. Stay there until you are ready to face the day.
.-= Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog ..My friends are better than your friends. Let’s all be friends. =-.
Heather, this is just so sweet. I am sure that Maddie is teaching this new sister how to wake up Mama.
.-= Kim´s last blog ..Vintage =-.
I think you just described heaven.
I can’t imagine how hard that is. I recently wrote a post about about my daugher wrapping her arms and legs around me in bed. Stay strong love. Remember that you still have PLENTY of reasons to get out of bed. If you close your eyes and clear your mind I bed you could feel Maddie breathing on you right now. *HUGS*
.-= Keyona´s last blog ..October =-.
Domestic Extraordinaire says:
.-= Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..Happy Birthday Renee =-.
Honestly, I’m amazed you get out of bed. I know you don’t believe it, but you are a truly strong and inspirational person even if you have to put on a face to go out in public.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..C is for cookie! Oh wait, nevermind. =-.
that put a smile on my face this morning. such a nice memory that you will always have.
You bring out so many emotions in me. The one that I want to focus on is how happy I am that Binky is going add so much to all of our lives. Just like her big sister.
.-= Danielle´s last blog ..Can you add? What is 2 + 1? =-.
Nellie - New York says:
You remind me every day just how important making memories are to each of us. Thank you for always sharing your heart, your pain and your every-powerful and amazing courage.
You are always in my thoughts and prayers and I am so grateful for the gift of your words, your heart – they are truly inspirational.
Aunt Becky says:
I bet that Binky will be a cuddle bug, just like that.
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..As Awesome As A Paint By Number Purple Sparkly Unicorn Baby Jesus =-.
I’m certainly not good at staying up late, but I can appreciate those who are. And I love hearing about you and Maddie’s routine. Baby Binky seems like she’ll be a night owl too, just like mommy and big sister.
Sending you love and strength, always.
Queen of Quite-a-Lot says:
Oh, what a blessing that was to share those special moments with Maddie in bed. Snuggling with a sleeping child is one of the best feelings in the world. Soon you will have a new sweet pea to cuddle. I know it’s not the same, but I know she will fill a lot of that emptiness that’s there right now.
.-= Queen of Quite-a-Lot´s last blog ..i ? faces-blue =-.
Knowing you have this baby to look forward to just soothes my heart :o)
This was a brilliant piece of poetry. Just wow.
.-= Mishi´s last blog ..The Sound of Sisterhood =-.
april in NJ says:
Oh Heather… I’m so glad that you have something to look forward to. I know right now that Binky is the bright spot in your day and the reason you’re existing at all. Those snuggles will come soon (not too soon Ms. Binky… stay in there till you are fully baked!). I know they won’t take away the pain of not cuddling with Maddie… but they’ll give your empty arms and heart something to hold onto. sending much love and hugs from NJ!
Lindsay from Florida says:
You have summoned up such a lovely picture in all of our minds about the bond you and your second daughter will surely share. Just a few more months (did you hear that Binks?? stay put a few more months!!), and you will have a new baby in your arms and heart. I wish we could make this incredibly difficult wait speed up for you, so you can share your first snuggles with the healthy and beautiful little girl you are creating.
Ug, that must be so hard. I’m so glad you have something to look forward to.
I truly can’t wait for you to have a little one giving you hugs again. . You deserve every bit of happiness!!! And once Binky comes, sleepless nights will have a purpose again.
I don’t think I’ve ever so eagerly anticipated a birth before. And for someone I’ve never met! Well, that’s how much you, Mike and Maddie have touched me. Sending you strength….
haitian american family of three says:
I am so glad you are having a baby.
.-= haitian american family of three´s last blog ..City living: =-.
I know you probably hear it all the time…but you are doing GREAT! Keep up the good job mama!
.-= Erin´s last blog ..Thinking Back =-.
I love those sleepy moments with morning snuggles. I hope you have thousands of mornings with Binky exactly like that.
.-= Christiana´s last blog ..The Mommy Words Name Game (meme) =-.
Maria Delgado says:
My prayers are with you, Mike and Binky.
.-= Maria Delgado´s last blog ..My new hair! =-.
Marti from Michigan says:
Oh Heather, that brought tears to my eyes. I remember doing that with my daughter when she was little. I’m a night owl too and I HATE mornings, lol!
You can say “good morning Maddie” and I know she will hear you. I have always believed that our loved ones who go on before us, are still aware of us and are watching over us as we trudge on through life. I’ve even recently asked my mom to help me a couple times with difficulties, and she sure enough did! I know you can talk to Maddie, no one will think you’re nutty.
Still thinking of you and praying for you, as I know October 7th is coming up.
So beautiful, Heather. Heartbreaking and beautiful.
.-= Haley-O´s last blog ..Reflections…. =-.
nic @mybottlesup says:
sweet heather- your last sentence was a post in itself.
.-= nic @mybottlesup´s last blog ..well hellooooo lovely… =-.
She will be perfect. I know Maddie was perfect too, I just know that Binky will get loved beyond measure. I can’t imagine what it is like to love a child who leaves this earth and then to love another. I am so sorry for the journey you are on but very happy that another daughter will be here for you to love.
.-= Debby´s last blog ..BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH =-.
Amy K says:
A little off topic, but how do you pronounce Maddie’s name – Mad-e-LIN or Mad-e-LINE? I want to make sure I’m saying it correctly. Also, I can’t wait to hear Binky’s name! I’m sure it will be beautiful, just like her sister’s.
You are doing so great Heather and I, and hundreds of other people, just love reading your posts.
I hope that helps you get up in the morning or sleep better at night.
always in my prayers
This past Monday was the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur which is often considered the holiest day of the year. There is a portion of the service called the Yizkor where you say prayers for those that are no longer with us. The prayers talk about the importance of doing for others in order to honor those people that were so dear to you. I immediately thought of you, because not only did I recite these special prayers with Maddie in mind but I thought about all that you have done and all that you do for others. By starting Friends of Maddie, you have made the decision honor Maddie in a way that is so special because it incorporates “tzedakah” or charity. I just think it is important for you to know that while sometimes you may feel you are barely getting by or barely making it through the day, somewhere out there is someone whose day has been made better by your Maddie. I am sure the people that are being helped through Friends of Maddie will never forget her and neither will we, the “strangers” that come here to laugh with you, to cry with you, to feel your pain, and to try and make it just a tad bit easier to bare if just for a moment. I hope this doesn’t come off too preachy, but I did want you know that I may not know you and I may not have known Maddie, but I am proud of you both!
Oh, Heather. My heart aches for you. At the same time, I’m happy that Binky will be cradled in your arms before you know it.
.-= elaina´s last blog ..A Slow Burn by Mary DeMuth =-.
Just sending hugs your way today.
.-= Noelle´s last blog ..For Alex =-.
You don’t know me, but I hope you know how many lives you have touched by this blog. I typed in “inspirational blogs” into google and yours came up, and it could not be more accurate. I have been reading this for the past two hours and you are TRULY an inspiration. I am currently in graduate school for clinical psychology and my specialty is children with chronic illnesses. I know you might not believe it, but reading your blog has now inspired me even more to get up and go to work every day. I have met lots of kids and parents that go through medical problems but nothing has touched me more than this. Your story is so personal and so honest that you really touched me in a way no one else has. Thank you so much for being so brave. Maddie and your future daughter are so lucky to have such a wonderful and brave mom.