I told Mike a few days ago that I didn’t know what to write. All the stories about Madeline have been told. There are no new ones, no new pictures. The questions I had last year are still the questions I have this year. The words have all been written. It makes me sadder than I thought possible.
On Saturday we went to the birthday party of a girl who was born on the exact same day as Madeline. I watched the gaggle of girls Maddie’s age play games, giggle, and interact. Some had missing teeth and lisps. They wore princess dresses (lots of Elsas, with some rogue Belles and Tianas thrown in) and plastic jewelry. They played house and store and shrieked a lot. They danced to Frozen and Taylor Swift, and dined on glittery cake.
It was nice to see what Maddie might be like, what she might be into. I can almost imagine the pitch of her voice, the way she’d talk. But mostly, it was hard, because she wasn’t there, and she never will be.
I still don’t know what to write today. These days just get harder, paralyzingly so. I miss my girl so much it physically hurts. I’ll never stop wishing she was here, dancing, shrieking, and eating sparkly birthday cake.
Happy birthday to my first girl. I love you forever.
Sinead says:
Happy birthday Maddie. I’m wearing purple today in her honour.
I’m so sorry that she is not here to celebrate with you, Mike, Annie and James.
Hugs. xx
Elizabeth says:
Happy birthday Maddie. Sending you lots of love today.
Ella says:
Dear Maddie,
a little purple note in my iphone reminded me this morning that today is your 7th birthday.
I’m so sad you don’t have the chance to party with your mom, dad, sister & brother.
I miss you, think of you often and still can’t believe you aren’t here anymore.
Happy Birthday Maddie!
xo
Gwensarah says:
Happy Birthday Maddie.. I’m planning on wearing purple as well
Hayley says:
Happy birthday Maddie xxx
I used to be a daily reader of your blog but life gets in the way and I haven’t visited for a few months now, but I woke up this morning and immediately thought of Madeline. Gentle hugs to you all. Xxx
Auntie_M says:
Happy birthing day, to you Heather (& Mike) and birthday to Maddie.
You & your family (close & extended) are in my thoughts today.
Today I too shall be wearing purple. Today I shall be remembering that bright-eyed girl with the long-lashes and the red curls and those bright blue eyes…and that wonderful dance. And I shall toast her with a candle-lit cream puff and wish she were there with you. Huge, all-encompassing, but gentle hugs to you.
~Mary
CarrieB says:
It’s my daughter’s birthday too. Thinking of you and Maddie xx
Mahnee says:
I’m wearing purple today. Just a small gesture on such a big day. Your love comes through in every word you write about Maddie.
Happy birthday, sweet one.
Sheila says:
You may not know what to write but what you wrote is perfect. Whatever you write would be perfect. I love seeing her picture & reading about your memories. Happy Birthday Maddie!!
Julie says:
Happy birthday sweet Madeline! I know we’ve never met but I think of your sweet girl daily. She has left a special mark on my heart and on this world. As a baby loss mom, I know there is nothing I can say to take the pain of these days away…just know you are not alone and that Madeline is never forgotten. “Hope is what happens as long ad we breathe. For although it takes time, the sorrow will ease.” A favorite quote my husband sent me on a difficult day after our loss 10 years ago. The pain and sorrow never goes away but just keep breathing. Many hugs!
Lisa Maxwell says:
Happy birthday to sweet Maddie and much love to all of you. Thanks for sharing her and your story.
Nadinsche says:
Happy Birthday Maddie! Thinking of you very often. And I love reading what your mummy and daddy write about you.
TonyaM says:
Keeping your sweet family close in thought and prayer today.
amourningmom says:
Happy birthday to Maddie! I am so sorry that Maddie is not here eating glittery cake. I wish there were magic words I could say to make it easier for you. I know that those words don’t exist so instead I and sending hope and hugs. xo
Tia says:
Oh sweet momma, I wish your girl was here to celebrate with you. Much love to you today. ????
Mindy says:
Happy birthday to your sweet beautiful Maddie. It’s just not fair.
Courtney says:
Happy Birthday, Maddie. You’re in my thoughts today. Many, many hugs.
Sarah says:
I don’t read the blog as often as I used to, but I know today is Maddy’s birthday. Wearing purple in her honor today and thinking of your sweet family today. My heart to your heart.
Susan says:
I wish she was here too. Happy Birthday sweet Madeline Alice Lots of love and hugs to you and your family!!
Melanie @ Whimsical Creations says:
Happy Birthday Maddie. Huge hugs!
Andrea says:
Happy Birthday Sweet Maddie!
Susan says:
Happy Birthday, sweet Maddie.
You’re all in my thoughts today.
Mijke says:
Happy Birthday, Maddie! Wish you were still here, to sing and dance with your sister, tickle your little brother and be cuddled by your mum and dad…
Jessica says:
Happy birthday, Madeline! Thinking of you all today, hoping you have a peaceful day at least.
Meg says:
No words necessary…That face says it all..much love.
Erin Christine says:
I think of your sweet girl so much! I just love seeing her lovely pictures show up on the blog. Thank you for sharing her with us. Sending all of you strength and big hugs xoxo
Mamacita says:
Happy Birthday Sweet Maddie!!! You should be here. I know you’re here, but not in the way needed. I’m sure everyone is celebrating you today.
Heather and Mike we’re sending our love and prayers. XOXOXO
Becca says:
Happy Birthday, Maddie – wishing you were here to celebrate this beautiful day and smash your face in cream puffs.
To the Spohrs – love and strength.
Tina says:
Wearing purple in Maddie’s honor today and thinking of you all.
Mary says:
Happy Birthday Maddie! I’m sorry she’s not here, too.
Nellie says:
Sweet, precious baby girl with mesmerizing eyes and a smile to light up the sky – Happy 7th Birthday to you!
We think of you with smiles in our hearts and tears in our eyes. Sending the Spohr family so much love today and always!!
Heather says:
Heartbreaking. Thinking of you all today.
Lisa says:
Happy Birthday sweet Maddie. Thinking of you and your family today and sending love and hugs.
Amanda B says:
happy birthday to Maddie. Sending you guys a huge hug and hopefully some peace and lots of love.
Rebecca Smith says:
Happy birthday beautiful girl! Thinking of all of the Spohr family today.
Jerilynn says:
Thinking of you and your beautiful Maddie on her birthday today. Praying for you all and sending all the positive energy and support that I have. You are a beautiful and wonderful mother and you carried sweet Maddie so far despite so many challenges beyond your control and hers. I wish I could make this day different for you.
MH says:
Happy birthday Maddie! My heart aches for your family today and every day.
Cat says:
I’m wearing purple too! Sending extra love and prayers your way today and wishing your family as peaceful a day as possible given the circumstances.
tracy says:
Happy Birthday,Maddie! You are loved tremendously!
TamaraL says:
Happy Birthday sweet Madeline!
Lisa says:
Much love, light and many hugs for all of you today. Happy Birthday, Maddie! You are loved and missed by so many.
Jane says:
Beautiful, adorable Maddie. Heather, I don’t know how you will get through this day with your sanity intact. But I know you will, because you always shine when nobody else could (you’re awesome like that). My thoughts are with you. I wish there was something that anybody in the world could do to make things better. Thanks for posting about Maddie. I will never forget her spunky, amazing, bright little light, or how her twinkly eyes could light up the earth. (((((hug)))))
Melissa says:
Happy Birthday Maddie. Thinking of you and your whole family today. XOXO
Courtney says:
I know nothing will ever make this day easier, but I hope, at the least, that knowing we all remember and adore Maddie will lift your spirits a bit. Happy birthday sweet Maddie, and hugs to all.
Kristen Eileen says:
I love you all.
Kristen Eileen says:
I love you all. I always have. I always will.
Kristen says:
Happy Birthday Maddie. Keeping all the Spohrs in my thoughts today.
Lindsay says:
Happy Birthday, Maddie. Love to the Spohr family. It will never be right or fair, and I’m so, so sorry.
Cara says:
Happy Birthday to you, Maddie! We have no school today, so it’s a day long celebration of you in our house. We are dressed in purple, baking a purple frosted cake (with glitter!), and dancing in the kitchen to Single Ladies (complete with hand-waving!), a tribute to our favorite Maddie video ever.
Please remember to give your parents extra sweet hugs from Heaven today; they really need them.
RG says:
Thank you for writing something. We loved her virtually – a pale ghost of your love. We miss her, too – a pale ghost of your pain. Happy birthday, Maddie Moo.
Nicole says:
Happy Birthday to Maddie! Sending you all our love today!!
Anna says:
Happy birthday to your darling girl!
Gayle says:
JoAnn says:
Happy birthday, Maddie! I think of you every day, I truly do. But I’m sending extra thoughts and hugs to you on your special day today. And I’m sending extra thoughts and hugs your way today, Heather, Mike, Annie and James, too.
Jill says:
I, too, woke up and thought of Maddie. I hope that in some small way there is comfort in seeing how many people are thinking of your beautiful girl today. Thinking of you guys. Thank you for sharing so much of yourselves with the world.
Lisa says:
Happy 7th Birthday, sweet Madeline Alice!
Laura says:
Happy 7th Birthday to the beautiful Madeline! I have thought of your family often these past few days.
Jordan says:
no words… just love. Love and purple. xoxo
Stephanie says:
Happy 7th Birthday Madeline. Wearing purple in your honor. xoxo
Glenda says:
Happy 7th Maddie!!! xo
Kate says:
Happy Birthday Maddie!! Love to your family today. She is such a unique beauty!!!
Stephanie says:
Happy Birthday, Maddie! Remembering your beautiful girl today.
Heather Bixler says:
Happy Birthday, precious little girl. My thoughts and prayers are with you all today.
Kim says:
I get it.
Happy birthday Madeline. You are so very loved. Love you Heather, Mike, Maddie, Annie, and James. xoxo
Molly says:
Thinking of you today. Everyone who matters knows your grief is always with you. I’m so, so, so sorry you lost your daughter. It breaks my heart.
Alyson Sprafkin says:
Happy birthday, Maddie. Remembering you today and always.
Ellie says:
Happy birthday sweet Maddy!
Jackie says:
Your post brought tears to my eyes. You are in my thoughts today. May the memories you shared with your beloved Maddie live in your hearts forever. Xoxo
Kay says:
Happy birthday Maddie!
Amanda Gee says:
Sending love
Laura says:
Happy birthday, Maddie!
Debbie B. says:
Happy Birthday Sweet Maddie! My thoughts are with you all.
Ciji says:
Happy Birthday, Maddie! Lots of prayers and love to your family today and always.
Sarah says:
There is also nothing I can say in response to this. Except I am shedding a tear for you. Happy Birthday, Madeline.
gorillabuns says:
yay! all of the upcoming birthday, holidays and anniversaries to look forward to again. I’m sorry.
Sylvie says:
Happy Birthday Maddie, we all miss you.
Beverly says:
Honoring your sweet Maddie by wearing purple today. Happy Birthday Maddie, you are greatly missed.
Carrie says:
We love you all and please know that Maddie is not forgotten.
Lenora says:
Happy Birthday, Maddie! I am visiting family and was telling them about Maddie last night, so know she is not forgotten. Hugs to the whole family, you are in my thoughts.
Nicole says:
Happy Birthday Maddie!
Toni says:
Warm thoughts to all of you!
Linda says:
Thinking of you and your beautiful Maddie today.
Sherri S says:
Happy Birthday beautiful girl! You are loved and you are missed by so many! Thinking of you all today and sending so much love.
Elizabeth says:
Happy birthday sweet angel
Donna P says:
Wearing purple today, thinking of you and your lovely family.
LD's Mom says:
Happy Birthday, Maddie!!! You are a special part of so many hearts across the world.
Jeanie says:
Happy birthday, Maddie! Heather and Mike (and Annie, James and Rigby) my hearts hurts for you.
Jen says:
Remembering your Maddie today, and thinking of you and Mike. So, so sorry for your loss.
Kakali says:
Happy Birthday Maddie! You will be always in our hearts!
Jenny says:
Thinking of your family today and hoping for good memories. Happy birthday to your Maddie.
Linnae says:
Sending love on this special day! Happy birthday Maddie!
Cristy says:
Wishing you all as happy a day you can have under the circumstances. Thank you for sharing your Maddie with all of us. Happy birthday to Maddie!
Giselle says:
Happy birthday, Maddie. We will never forget your beautiful face and magically blue eyes. We’re so lucky that we can see so much of you in your brother. It’s not the same and it’s nowhere near fair. But I’m grateful that Heather and Mike can get glimpses of you every once in a while. They love you so, so much. They are proud of you and how hard you fought. Many wouldn’t have made it past those first few hours after being born, but not you. You were determined to go home. Meet everyone. Hug Rigby. Kiss your grandparents. Cuddle with your mom and dad. I’m so glad you had those experiences. Today I’m crying bc you were taken way too soon. There are so many more experiences that you deserved to have. I’m so sorry about that. But I’m also glad for the memories you have your parents and your family. For the pictures that can help your siblings imagine what you were like. They love you, too. Very much. They will never stop loving you. Please hug Jackie really tight today and give her lots of kisses. There are a lot of people that ache for the both of you and wish nothing else but for you two to be together right now. Laughing, playing, dancing. I don’t know if I believe in god or an afterlife, but for you Maddie, I hope it’s true.
Rachel says:
Happy birthday to Madeline.
AuntieMip says:
Happy Birthday beautiful Madeline Alice! She is remembered mama. And happy day to you. Seven years ago you became a mama and it is a day worthy of celebration. With that said, I am so sorry for your broken heart. My brother died 44 years ago and we still celebrate his birthday.
Nikki says:
There is nothing I can say to make this hurt less, but I am thinking of you. I also put your words to action about sending cards to those in loss after the big flood of support comes. In my state there was a terrible plane crash and 4 men in their 30s, 3 with families and all married perished. One was married a month prior to the accident, I set calendars in my outlook to send cards and have done so- the accident happened last May, each time I send a card that I am thinking of her, the widow, I set another calendar date. Your recommendation that support comes in full force right away but needs to be continued is simply something I took to heart. I know it doesn’t ease your pain in any way today- but wanted to let you know I am doing my best to effectuate your message for others- even here in South Dakota. Thinking of you!
Dre says:
Heather, I know you feel as though all of Maddie’s stories have been told, all of the words used up. But there are still stories to be told. Each person who met her has memories of her from their own perspective. Each person who met her through your blog, whether by photos, stories, videos or all of the above, was touched by her in some way. Even my children, who never had the honor of meeting Maddie in person, have stories to tell about how her life -and her passing- have impacted their lives. Blythe, at 6 months older than Maddie, has known and remembered and spoken of Maddie for as long as she can remember. And then, each family that is helped through Friends of Maddie, every baby that benefits from the March of Dimes after you raise so much in Maddie’s memory year after year, all of the parents who find comfort in the words you’ve written as they navigate the treacherous path of grief, has a story to tell and they are ALL because of your lovely Madeline. Her story lives, every day, and my greatest hope is that those stories trickle in to you so that you can hear them and know that her story will never finish being told.
Maddie changed my life in so many significant ways. I’ve shared some of them with you, but I don’t even know if it’s possible to explain how deeply my life has been touched by your sweet girl. My love to you and your family, today and every day. xo
Katrien says:
Happy birthday, Madeline! And love to you all.
Molly says:
Dear Heather, I’m so grateful that you continue to write about and share Maddie with all of us. Happy birthday to your radiant firstborn.
bellaf says:
Happy birthday, Maddie. You are missed by many.
Lots of love, Heather and Mike.
Debbie A-H says:
So much love to you all. Happy Birthday, Maddie.
lauren says:
Sending hugs and remebering maddie.
Rachel says:
A day late, but happy birthday, Maddie.
Kayla says:
This is late, but oh, happy seventh birthday sweet girl. Everyone loves you and misses you
Yolanda says:
she’s gorgeous. my favorite favorite adventure of hers is her Matt Lauer tattoo! that never gets old.
sending love and hugs to your family.
Emily says:
Even when you have nothing new to say, your posts about Maddie make us all hold our babies a little tighter and breath them in a little deeper. Thank you for the reminder to not take it for granted. Happy birthday to your precious girl, and sweet thoughts to your whole family.
RzDrms says:
I just wanted to let you know that I think about Maddie every day because (in part) I come here every day to read what you write. You, Mike, Annie, and James remind me of her. Or, sometimes, I see someone’s bright blue eyes or magnetic smile or purple shirt, and I’m reminded of her. “I’m sorry” or “it freaking sucks” doesn’t help, I’m sure. But I am, and it does. Maddie is LOVED by so many of us out here, probably more folks than would’ve normally “known” her, and she’ll always live in a part of my heart where joy also resides. Her smile makes me smile. Thank you and Mike for making and sharing such a lovely little lady with all of us.
Lisa says:
Happy (yesterday) birthday to your sweet Maddie, who is so loved and missed by so many.
Madeleine says:
Happy Birthday Maddie!! Think of you often.
Jennifer Brandt says:
Your words always move me. Your writing brings so much comfort to so many. Thank you. I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and sending you love.
Paula R. (fka preTzel) says:
Happy Birthday Maddie. I’m so sorry I didn’t post on the day. Please know I was thinking of you all and know how difficult it has been. Love to all of you.
edenland says:
I love you Heather Spohr. xxxx
Julieanne says:
Happy birthday Maddie, I hope where you are there is lots of glitter & giggles.
Thoughts & prayers are with you all.
kirsten says:
Oh, I understand this feeling so, so much. My family lost our baby son Wendell to stillbirth, cause unknown, just six weeks ago. I was talking to my husband about how sad I feel that Wendell won’t be a daily topic of conversation for me for the rest of my life — the way he would have been had he lived. As a parent, kids are such a central part of our lives and to not have that normal parent privilege of getting to blather on and on about your kid is heartbreaking. Since Wendell was born, I’ve talked about him and his birth so much, in so much detail, and that has helped my grief — but what about when everything I have to say about his short life is said?
Sending love to you and your family. Thank you for writing about your loss, it helps those of us who are going through loss as well.
Heather says:
Oh Kirsten, I am so sorry to hear about Wendell. That’s so heartbreaking and I hate that you have to go through life with so many questions – your words about him not being a daily topic really resonate with me. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. xoxo