Annabel and I are on a little trip, just the two of us. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be away over Maddie’s birthday, but Mike pointed out that we do our best to make November 11 a fun day for the kids. As you know, we don’t mess around in our family when it comes to birthday celebrations.
This is the first year where I’ve noticed Annabel is mourning Maddie. Well, not exactly Maddie herself, but the idea of her. She’s realizing what she’s missing out on and she’s very sad about it. She often wonders what it would be like to have a sister, especially one who is older. I’ve reminded her that she has an amazing best friend, and friends are the sisters we choose. That’s made her happy, and she’s even started referring to her friend as her “best friend sister friend.”
I am very grateful that Annabel is at the point now where she has more tools to express how she’s feeling. She’s always been pretty good about vocalizing her thoughts, but she spends a lot of time drawing her feelings. She has also written Maddie a few letters, and when she shares them with me I can’t help but smile over the messy printing and phonetically spelled words. Yesterday she said to me, “I wonder what Maddie would wish for if she could make the biggest wish ever!” I wonder that, too.
Maddie’s birthday never gets easier. I’m usually in a weird state of dread the moment the calendar flips to November, and I always wake up on November 12th with a mix of relief and guilt — relief that I made it through another birthday, and guilt for feeling relieved. This year…I am waking up today already emotionally and physically exhausted. This week has been incredibly stressful and fraught for so many, and I am numb. But I’m still going to make this a fun day for my Annie, because she deserves it. And I know that even though I feel like I don’t have any tears left, they’ll find me at some point tonight, after Annie is asleep with a belly full of creme puffs.
Even though I tell Annie that there’s no way to bring her sister back, I’ll never stop wishing I’m wrong. I will never stop wishing we were throwing her a big ninth birthday bash with all of her third grade friends. I’ll never stop wishing that she is down the hall, yelling at James to stop jumping on her bed, or giggling with Annie about some sisterly secret. I’ll never stop wishing that I could wrap my arms around her today and every day. I’ll never stop loving her.
Happy birthday my sweet Madeline. I love you forever.
Magda says:
Love you. Love Maddie. Always will.
Lisa says:
So much love to you, Mike, Annie, and James. I’m so grateful I had the chance to meet Maddie. She’s touched so many people and will continue to. Enjoy your trip with Annie and don’t stop hugging that amazing, smart, and wise girl of yours!
Nellie says:
Precious Girl, Precious Love, Precious Gift to so many…your Madeline will forever and for always be missed, adored and loved!!!
Sending warm hugs to you and your beautiful family.
Lisa says:
I am
Sending you love. I’ve read her story and yours every year since I first found your blog and never stop being inspired by both of you. From one preemie mom to another and fellow mom of an almost 7 year old, please know that you continue to be an inspiration and champion to many. I wish things were different. Big hugs.
Laura says:
Happy birthday, beautiful girl. Heather, know that there are many of us out here who think of Madeline often and especially on her birthday. We’ve never met or even corresponded, but I’m thinking of your family today.
Steph says:
Happy Birthday to your beautiful Maddie! Wishing you enough peace and love to hold you until you are reunited with her.
rachel says:
Happy Birthday Maddie!!!
Jen says:
Happy birthday, Maddie sweetie. I have an older sister who died at 6 weeks old. I used to do the same thing as Annie. I loved having the idea of an older sister. I named my daughter the same name as my sister. My daughter is now 11, and my parents love seeing their daughter’s namesake grow up.
maya says:
Happy Birthday beautiful girl!
Jannette says:
Happy Birthday Maddie.
Thank you Heather for sharing her and your family.
Debbie B. says:
Sending big HUGS to you, Annie and the family. Happy Birthday Maddie!
Brooke says:
Have a great time! I hope you and Annie celebrate the hell out of this day.
Stacey says:
Sending you so much love today
Lindsay says:
Happy Birthday to Maddie. Love and light to you, Mike, Annie, James, and your families.
Stephanie says:
Happy 9th birthday to Madeline. I think of her every year on this day.
Hugs to you and your family, Heather. Lots of love today and always.
Tricia says:
Happy Birthday Maddie. Love and big hugs guys.
Susan says:
Sending love and peace to your family. I can’t imagine the magnitude of your loss but know that I keep the Spohrs in my thoughts.
Sarah says:
All my love to you and your family today.
Rachel says:
I always remember that November 11 is Maddie’s birthday. So many people will always remember her.
Precious Annie, what a girl. Thinking of you all today.
Jacky says:
Maddie has not been forgotten. Her life has meaning still.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Jacky
from Maryland
TamaraL says:
Happy Birthday, beautiful Madeline! Keeping you all in my thoughts…
Alyson Sprafkin says:
Happy birthday to Maddie and continued strength to you and your family.
Stephanie B. says:
Happy Birthday, sweet Maddie. Thinking of all of you.
Kristen Smith says:
Happy 9th Birthday to Maddie. Sending you love, today and always.
Peggy says:
Thinking of all of you and your precious birthday girl, Maddie today. Sending hugs your way on this difficult day. xoxo
Christine Koh says:
Sending you love and hugs, today and always.
Bryan Beasley says:
Breaks my heart. Prayers for you and yours.
Glenda says:
Happy birthday Maddie Moo ???
Toni says:
Hugs to all of you! Happy birthday sweet Maddie, love that picture!
Auntie Lynn says:
Thank you for Maddie Moo. She lives in my heart forever.
Brooke says:
Thinking of you and sending love and light to your family and especially to Maddie. xo
Auntie_M says:
I’ll never stop wishing that for you, either. *tears*
(Need to go buy our annual creme puffs.)
Love, love, love, and more love.
Michell says:
I have been thinking about you and yours all week, as I always do at this time of year. I tell your stories to friends as if I know you. Blessings and Cream Puffs.
Amanda says:
Happy birthday, sweet Maddie!
jenn says:
that picture of maddie is precious. i love that annie thinks of her, even though she couldn’t know her.
my older brother passed away thirteen years ago. my younger brother had twins seven years ago. every time i see them, i regret that the elder isn’t here to get them giggling. he was gifted at that. he could make the unhappiest of people laugh–the full-bellied sorts of laughter, the best kind. i know this because i’m often one of those unhappy sorts, and he so often could lighten my mood, and with such ease. they won’t know that. they won’t know him. so i be sure to tell them about him.
there’s a quote by mahatma gandhi: where there is love, there is life. as long as i talk about him, he’s still hear. sort of. i just can’t see him. i like to think that when the wind’s blowing, it’s him.
Nadine says:
Happy Birthday little Maddie! So much love to you and your family!
AuntieMip says:
Numb. It is exactly how I feel. And terrified. And Hopeless. And broken. And all the feels in-between.
Barack Obama says, “The best way to not feel hopeless is to get up and do something. Don’t wait for good things to happen to you. If you go out and make some good things happen, you will fill the world with hope, you will fill yourself with hope.” I posted this on FB today because I am trying to use words, beautiful, meaningful and wise words, to dig me out of my funk.
So that is what I did today. When I was in line at Starbucks this morning I decided to pay it forward by paying for whatever the mom and little girl behind me were having. I told them it was for Maddie. That little girl of yours inspires goodness. And it felt so hopeful. Thanks Maddie for the kick in the tushie!
Happy Birthday Madeline Alice Spohr.
Kelli says:
Much love to all of you.
Kakali says:
I cried from the beginning to end when I was reading about your Maddie!
You write so beautifully that I get easily connected to the details of your writing! Your Maddie is loved by all! She is beautiful!
Sue says:
Huge hugs to all of you, Heather,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Jerilynn says:
Heather, I think of your family constantly–and especially on Maddie’s birthday. I’m bereft of words to express how sad I am that you and your family miss out on so many things that would have been-and should have been. I helped someone in need in honor of your daughter’s birthday and as a means of propagating the purity and goodness she radiated and will always radiate. I promise that you are ensconced by readers who love you and will never forget the huge impact on the world made by this one gorgeous, precious and angelic little blue-eyed cherub.
amourningmom says:
Love to you all. So glad that you were able
to celebrate Maddie’s birthday. It is so hard and I wish that you did not have to live without her. Sending hope and hugs. xo
Sylvie says:
Happy Birthday Maddie, you should be at your 9th birthday, we all love you through your mom’s stories about you.
J. says:
Hugs and love to you, Mike, and the kids, Heather. When I see purple flowers, I still think of Maddie.
Stacey says:
Light and love to you all.
Stephanie says:
My younger cousin Kiley was born 3 years after her older sister, Haley, passed away at 2 months old. She mourns Haley often and in a way where I *almost* forget Kiley never met her. The bond between siblings unbreakable, even when their ties to this universe have been unfairly severed.
LD's Mom says:
Being able to celebrate the birth of Maddie and Jackie in a fun and inspiring way just feels (hard but) right, as these two angels lived their too-short lives that way everyday. Thank you for sharing their light with all us of internet friends. Lots of love to you in this bittersweet month.