I am trying to write something celebratory and happy, because she was here. But the page is blank and the cursor is blinking, alone, on the top left. I can’t think about how happy I am that she was here, because all I can think about is how devastated I am that she’s gone.
On Saturday I spent the majority of my day laying on the floor. It was only supposed to be for a second, to stretch my back. But then I discovered it was ten degrees cooler on the floor. Then Rigby laid next to me. And then I was hit with a wave of sadness, and the weight of it all was too much. So I stayed on the floor, pathetic but not sweating, so at least there’s that.
We’re driving up to the Bay Area today. I’m wondering if this is when it’s going to sink in that Jackie’s really gone. Since we lived 382 miles apart, I have almost convinced myself that she’s just in her apartment in San Francisco. But this will be the first time I’ve gone to Northern California and not seen her…ever. I think when we are driving home in a few days and I won’t have had a dinner or coffee date with her, my “she’s in the city” illusion will finally be shattered.
Of course, the service on Tuesday will probably shatter it first.
But I need to be happy…I need to celebrate! I need to stop crying. I need to write.
Blink…blink…blink.
Elle says:
I’m so sorry for the loss of Jackie, Heather. My heart goes out to you.
Ali says:
You need to be patient with yourself. You need to feel what you feel. I hope you know that someday you’ll be able to think of your beloved Jackie! and smile, and hope you know that it’s ok that it’s not today.
Sending you love and strength for all you’re going through.
Annalisa says:
I agree with Ali. I appreciate that you’re trying to do what you can not to dwell on the loss, as Jackie! would want you to, but in order to do that, you can and should get a few cries in.
As my therapist would say, it’s better to get all that sadness out at once. Otherwise, no matter how much you try to “buck up damn it!”, it just won’t happen.
Auntie_M says:
I agree w/Ali & Annalisa…
Today doesn’t have to be the day to write something happy & to celebrate. What you & Mike have been sharing w/pictures and stories is beautiful.
Don’t deny your grief for your precious friend. Don’t try to fake cheerfulness–especially on your blog–just “for the sake of trying.”
Yes, Jackie would want you to continue living life to the fullest. Yes, Jackie would want you to celebrate her life.
Yes, Jackie would want you to move through your grief…
BUT you cannot “move through your grief” if you don’t allow yourself to grieve in the 1st place. And remember when Maddie passed away? Jackie didn’t crawl into bed w/you & tell you to be happy and write something happy: she wrapped her arms around you while you cried. She understands grief.
As for celebrating her life: every picture & story you’ve shared has been a celebration of Jackie! and her life.
Please, please, be gentle with you. You’re the only you we’ve got!
JustAMom says:
I was in San Francisco the weekend with my BFF, who was there from the east coast on business. I thought about you and Jackie al lweekend. as our driver drove us around town and explained how difficult parking was, i thought of you running out to move your car every few hours when visiting Jackie. When we had lunch over looking the bay, talking about the old days, pre husbands and kids and the struggles we both currently face but never in a million years imagined, I thought of the two of you. I wondered if you two ever sat at this same table in this same restaurant, and had this same conversation. Someone asked us if we visited Alcatraz, and we both immediately joked that’s where we met when we were both locked up. I wondered if you and Jackie made similar stupid remarks that you both found way funnier than anyone around you and was certain you did. As I flew back to LA tonight, so grateful for a fun carefree, weekend with my bestie, I wondered if our planes were crossing paths as you were coming to say goodbye to yours. Just as you make me appreciate my daughter more than ever, you now do the same for me and my BFF. thanks as always for sharing your life.
Ana-Maria says:
I really like this.
Jenn says:
Celebrate Jackie’s life but also make sure that you take time and mourn the tremendous loss you’re feeling. There is nothing wrong with crying or spending all day snuggling your fur baby on the floor.
I know you promised Jackie that you continue on and you will absolutely honor that promise. But Jackie! would understand that you’re not happy that she’s gone.
You’ll write when you feel you can and the words will flow exactly the way they were meant to.
Glenda says:
Thinking of you!!! And Jackie!!!
Krissa says:
(((Hugs))). Tomorrow I will light a candle for Jackie. I only know about Jackie through your blog, but she’ll be remembered half way across the world. You guys take care.
soleil says:
Such a tough time, thinking of you and all her loved ones xx
Liz says:
I don’t have any words of wisdom for you…just that I am so sorry for you that you have lost someone you love so much.
Lanie says:
It is ok not to write something celebratory and happy and to stay on the floor. Sometimes you have to take things moment by moment. If the moment is sad then sad it is.
Tuesday would have been our first son, Jake’s, 7th birthday. I will light a candle for Jake and Jackie! Sending extra hugs. xo
Linda says:
I lost my Father two years ago on the 20th of this month. We had a celebration of life, and everyone after (and still do) tell me that I should be happy because he had such a wonderful life, and that I have SO many special memories of him (we were extremely close). But like you, I don’t feel like celebrating, I don’t feel happy, I’m devastated that he’s gone, and still, just want him back.
Don’t be hard on yourself for not feeling what everyone thinks you should be. After two years, and now living in his home, the home I lived in with him until I was 24, it still has not hit me that he’s gone. I still wait every day for my Daddy to come home. Some things are just too hard to be able to act the way “you should”. Take care of yourself, and hang on, the next few days are going to be almost impossible.
xo
Stacy says:
You don’t “have” to stop crying or celebrate or anything but just let yourself grieve how you grieve your dear Jackie. You don’t even have to give up your illusion that she’s just up in San Francisco. No one needs to tell you how to grieve or what you should do. You will get there in your own time, in your own way.
My grandma passed away over three years ago and my grandpa followed her about 18 months later. Their phone number is still in my phone. On Friday, driving home… it popped in to my head that I should call Grandma and catch her up on everything that’s going on. Then I remembered… I can’t. I was talking to my son on Friday night about my other grandma, who he never met, who has been gone for over 19 years and I mentioned how I had wanted to call Great Grandma and he asked when I’m going to take their number out of my phone. I honestly don’t know that I ever will. It’s stupid, it’s small, but it’s the last thing of them that I have to hold on to and I’m not ready to let that go. And no one will convince me otherwise. And no one can tell you how to grieve. But we can tell you that we love you without ever having met you and we love Jackie without ever meeting her and we are here for you.
Beth Mariel says:
Please know that every single one of us will be thinking of you, of Mike, and of Jackie’s wonderful family.
Jackie F. says:
I hadn’t read your blog in a while…I was just thinking of you yesterday when I was at Sweet & Sassy and they have these new “smelly” things for hair. All my 18 yr old daughter and I kept saying was “she smells like rainbows!” and I knew I instantly needed to look you back up and see what was going on.
I am devastated to hear this news and you, your family and hers are all in my thoughts and prayers.
Audra says:
You can write LOTS of posts about Jackie. You can begin by writing about how devastated you are, or how it’s not fair. Maybe you won’t be ready for celebratory until months from now. Maybe it will be her birthday when you write something celebratory…or next year when it is time to rally the troops for Jackie’s Walk, or when you decide you want to write to the person who was given the brain tumor research position in her honor to tell them about the woman behind their title and how amazing she was.
Terri says:
I’m so sorry. I’ve never had a friend like that so I can sort of imagine the void that’s there. I hope there are others who can help you get through, it will never be the same but as Dory told Nemo, just keep swimming. It’s all you can do, there are no right or wrongs. Write what you want to write, or don’t. We will all still be here for you when you do feel like it.
Suzanne says:
The words will come. Recall your best memories of her, and write what’s in your heart; it works for you, as evidenced by every post on this blog. Your heart, and your talent, will rise to the occasion.
Ana-Maria says:
There are days when your posts bring tears to my eyes and this particular post did just that today. The love you have for Jackie is incrediable, Heather! The love you have for people even with all which has happened to you is truly remarkable! Your strength is heartening!
It is too bad we did not get to know Jackie the way you did. From what you and Mike have shared with us Jackie seemed to be an amazing woman! She obviously brought a lot to your life and you probably brought a lot more to her life than you may even realize also, Heather. Did she better your life, Heather? Or did you better hers? Or maybe it is just that this world is a better place because the two of you connected!?
I do not have the words to help you but I have a video I saw yesterday which I would like to share with you. Is simply lovely!
ItsAmy says:
I wrote a big long comment and it all just seems to stupid.
What I want to say is I’m sorry. I hope you can find even a little bit of peace, somehow.
Hopefully, where ever Jackie is, she’s with Maddie teaching her lots of cool stuff.
Hugs.
Skye says:
You can be happy she lived and sad at the same time. I know you will come up with something beautiful to say about her, just like you did for Maddie. Sending you comforting thoughts.
Rachel says:
I haven’t commented yet about Jackie because I just don’t have the right words, or if not the right words, then at least words that don’t sound trite and very easy for _me_ to say. But I have been thinking about you and Mike, and Jackie, and the many other people who loved her, every day, thinking about you all with gentle thoughts and sorrow.
I know that you have expressed the hope that Jackie and Maddie were reunited. I have the overriding sense that there was a reunion on the other side that overflowed with tears of joy, checked only by the knowledge that it was overflowing over here with the other kind of tears.
Adrianne says:
I came here to leave a similar comment to Rachel’s above mine. I haven’t commented on any of your Jackie posts because I don’t know what to say and I know that nothing I (a complete internet stranger) can say to make this any better or easier or understandable. It just makes no sense and I’m so incredibly sad for you and everyone else who knew and loved Jackie (by the sounds of it that’s quite a LOT of people!). And again, I find myself just wishing that the universe would cut you some slack. You’ve been through so much these last several years–more than many people ever endure in their whole lives. So be kind to yourself. Be gentle. Take the time you need. Jackie would want that for you. She’d probably lie on the floor with you and let you cry all day.
Sending virtual hugs your way today and always….
meg....ct says:
So sorry for your loss…no need to celebrate in your grief. You know all too well that you need to take your time and be gentle with yourself.
Amy says:
You and your family have had too much tragedy for anyone to deal with. There are no words to describe how sorry I am for your loss(es).
Katherine says:
The pressure we put on ourselves in our society… to find reason and meaning in every tragedy, to be upbeat, to be celebratory…
It’s very human to want to find meaning. We are storytellers and it’s how we go on. But sometimes really shitty stuff happens and you have the right to acknowledge that it’s really shitty.
I’m so sorry you lost your friend, and I hope as time goes on the good memories will outshine the painful last days in your mind. But you DO have a right to be sad.
Sarah says:
It’s wonderful that you had Jackie, and wonderful that Jackie had you – that you all had each other.. It only makes sense that ongoing joy and love that deep leaves you heartbroken beyond words when it feels out of reach. You’ll feel it close again, someday.
I am so very sorry for the loss of Jackie in your lives, and the lives of your families.
Courtney says:
Heather, try not to convince yourself that you “need” to feel anything other than what you are feeling at that moment. The smiling, the laughing, the celebrating and the writing will all come in time. Just be gentle with yourself. Whatever you are feeling is right. If you need to lay on the floor and cry, then that’s what you need to do in that moment. I didn’t know Jackie, but I get the feeling she would want you to be gentle with yourself, too. Hugs
Kelly says:
Does it help at all to know that I would have never learned about Jackie if it wasn’t for the loving friend she has in you? And that because I read your blog I learned about this fantastic woman. And because I learned how amazing one person can be, I decided not to waste any more time on stuff that does not matter. I decided to live life to the fullest, don’t sweat the small stuff and to just love people and do great things for others every chance I get. I wasn’t going to go away this weekend because I didn’t feel like going, but thought about Jackie and literally, because of Jackie said yes and went away and had the time of my life. I met some amazing people, reconnected with others, and just smiled. I decided I am going to look into becoming a foster parent again too. She’s still changing people – she may not be here any longer and for that, my heart aches for everyone who loved her, but she is STILL making a difference.
Me says:
I wish I could do more.
Allison says:
Heather, there is so much I want to say, but most of all — I understand.
When people comfort me with the words that we try to use to bring comfort, I feel so exhausted. I can’t muster energy for anything, but my whole body wants to scream that nothing stop the pain — the sadness for me, the sadness for her, the anger, and the feeling of world flipped on its head. So I just want to tell you that I understand (as much I, a stranger, can), that I ache for you, and that I am so thankful you share your feelings.
amanda says:
Sending love. And strength.
Molly says:
I don’t know who told you you have to be happy! This grief is intense. Just breathe. I believe you can celebrate a life, even through tears and pain. Allow yourself to feel however you feel.
Rebecca says:
I am lying on the floor with you.
I lost one of my best friends 3 years ago to effing cancer. I don’t have to tell you how it still hurts. A life well lived but way too short.
It’s just not fair.
JT says:
Have you heard Joe Biden’s speech to military families who have lost someone in combat? It’s an excellent speech on grief. (Joe Biden lost his wife and infant daughter in a car accident right before he started his first term in the senate.)
“There will come a day, I promise you, and you parents as well, when the thought of your son or daughter or your husband or wife brings a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eye. It will happen.”
Let it happen, Heather, don’t feel you have to force it because you want/need to celebrate Jackie’s life. Grieve for her, cry, wallow if you want to, then celebrate and laugh and smile, when you are ready.
You can read a transcript and watch the video here… http://thinkprogress.org/security/2012/05/28/491106/biden-memorial-day/?mobile=nc
Kayla says:
Sometimes we all just have to lay on the floor and count the dust bunnies. Peace be with you.
Nikki says:
(((hugs))) & strength to you.
Jenn says:
I’ll be thinking of you all tomorrow. Sending you much love, hugs & support!!
Love,
Jenn
Auntie_M says:
I said this above, but wasn’t sure if you read replies to other people’s comments–not like my comments are the end all, be all, that will change your world outlook or anything! But thought I’d re-post it down here in the “regular comments” section too…
Today doesn’t have to be the day to write something happy & to celebrate. What you & Mike have been sharing w/pictures and stories is beautiful.
Don’t deny your grief for your precious friend. Don’t try to fake cheerfulness–especially on your blog–just “for the sake of trying.”
Yes, Jackie would want you to continue living life to the fullest. Yes, Jackie would want you to celebrate her life.
Yes, Jackie would want you to move through your grief…
BUT you cannot “move through your grief” if you don’t allow yourself to grieve in the 1st place. And remember when Maddie passed away? Jackie didn’t crawl into bed w/you & tell you to be happy and write something happy: she wrapped her arms around you while you cried. She understands grief.
As for celebrating her life: every picture & story you’ve shared has been a celebration of Jackie! and her life.
Please, please, be gentle with you. You’re the only you we’ve got!
Lisa says:
You have been in my thoughts so much recently, Heather. You have been through a lot of straight-up shit. Soak up your time on the floor. I know you’ll get back up again someday.
I second the recommendation of Joe Biden’s speech above. You needn’t be in any rush at all to feel happy and celebratory. I know you’re probably trying to pull it together to say wonderful things about Jackie! at her service, and I am confident whatever spills out of you will be just the right thing. Thank you again for sharing Jackie! (and everything, really) with us. You’re all in my heart today.
And maybe this is a weird time to say this, but Annie is unbelievably lucky to have you and Mike as parents. I’m sure you shield her from your grief more than I could ever imagine, but I’m confident you will never stifle her feelings or tell her that whatever she’s feeling is wrong or that she needs to get over what is causing her pain. I wish that little darling a lifetime of happiness but know that during any hard times she has, you two will be there for her in just the right way.
edenland says:
Heather, I want you to know that the first sentence in this post tore my heart open.
I want you to know that I am thinking of you all the time, every hour, and I’m sending you every last available resource of my love.
I want you to know that I am spent. And I think you are spent, too. And I’m glad we know each other, so we can be spent together. And work out how to get through.
Titanium, baby.
XXXXXXXXXXXX
Jillian says:
I was driving home from work today, stuck in usual LA traffic. I was almost home and a little freer from the traffic, but still annoyed, when a purple flower fell on the windshield of my car for about a minute. I instantly thought of Maddie when I saw it and my annoyance went away. She’s always with us, Heather. And so is Jackie.
Amy says:
Hoping the day is not too hard on you. Hoping you find happiness and joy in being with others that loved her as you did and celebrating the fact she lived and was so loved, as you were by her.