I am in the dumps. Gah, December is just so stressful no matter how much planning and swearing to myself that it won’t be. We will have a nice holiday and we’ll be able to see both of our families.
I have a toothache that I can’t get fixed until January. It’s pouring rain in LA and we’re going stir crazy. But I finished all our Christmas shopping already, and I have steady work coming in and everything should be perfect.
Of course, it isn’t. I’ve fallen into my gloom even though I have tried hard, SO HARD, to not slip. I’ve been able to really keep myself busy and not let the sadness overtake me…until all this rain started.
Now I lay on the couch most of the day, and all I want to do is sleep. Keeping myself busy and “happy” is exhausting, and I’ve ran out of energy. I hear the rain against the windows and it pounds a rhythm that says “she’s not here, she’s not here.”
When I was Christmas shopping, I saw two little girls in matching dresses get their picture taken with Santa. Big sister and little sister. It was a punch to the gut that I still haven’t recovered from.
I can’t wait to see Annabel on Christmas morning, ripping paper and throwing around boxes. But my mind is cruel, and it won’t stop thinking about how Madeline should be helping her baby sister unwrap presents. I should be buying Maddie toys because she’d be old enough to not want clothes for Christmas. What do three year old girls play with? I should know this, and I don’t.
I need a rope to pull me out of my hole. It’s the same tired roller coaster I’m going to be on my whole life. But it’s bad timing. I want to enjoy my baby’s first Christmas.
Please everyone, help me find my smile.
Nelly says:
*throws you a rope*
I cant even imagine what you must be feeling, Christmas is such a tough tome for anyone who has lost someone.
I wish you and your family all the best this Christmas. xxx
Seraphim says:
Dearest Heather, in the unimaginable place that you are I think you’re doing amazing. When the day comes there will be some wonderful moments watching Annie enjoy Christmas. In the meantime I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers here on the sunny shores of Australia and hoping you find your gorgeous smile soon xxx
Elle says:
You make me be a better mother to my daughter. Thank you for that.
Bridget says:
I second this! My baby (Mirabelle) is 9 months old, and whenever I get frustrated with her, I stop and think about how lucky I am to have her here with me. Even though I never met Maddie, I think of her every day and she always makes me smile.
Lilian says:
Aaaah, I’m a long time lurker, with only a few posts over the last 2 years, but I just wanted to say, that no one can say anything that will help you find your smile. Only you can do that, and I believe you will find it. You have had a loss that only a few can understand. Your feelings of lost will obviously last a lifetime, and for someone to tell you that you’ll feel better over time, is just a moot point. However, there will be other smiles, generated from Annie and Mike, so just go with it, and enjoy those when they appear without effort. More people than you realize are rooting for you and care how you are. Hang in there, and Happy Holidays! xxxx
Audra says:
I don’t know what else to say except that I’m so, so sorry…(and I’m an English teacher for crying out loud! Words are my thing! You’d think I could come up with something WAY better than that). I read your blog every morning and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Amy says:
Love and a big hug from far away.
Meg...CT says:
Dear Sweet Heather,
There is no rest for the weary, is there?
I am hoping you can find one small thing to get you through. I am not going to compare my pain to yours…but, I will share my Christmas season experience. This is our first Christmas without my 6 year old niece and I want to throwup every second of the day when I think about it…I have found the preparation for Christmas to be excuciating this year. Everything seems pointless, …which of course it isn’t…I am just sad.
I found this web site that you can make videos of Santa talking to your child…and make a wish list, etc. Dumb, I know. But it is adorable and the only thing I have found any pleasure in at all this Christmas season.
I am linking it here… http://www.portablenorthpole.tv/home
I hope that you can find peace where there is pain and enjoy Christmas with your family. Love.
Katie in WI says:
I think sometimes you just have to go through it, not around it.
Thinking about you, rooting for you, wishing you the best.
Lizard Breath says:
Catch!
Hard as it is, Maddie is with you. She is watching Annie. She probably comes and plays with her when you think she is asleep. Both of your daughters know your love, now you must share some of that with yourself. You are a terrific mother, smile.
Lisa says:
Read Mike’s post office story a few times…cheered me right up!
I think we have options in how we deal with the stuff we have no choice but to deal with. My mantra is “either I laugh or I cry”. And it really is ok to choose either one at any given time. Sometimes I think we are programmed to avoid feeling sad, which makes it even harder to get past it. Like when you try to not think about something and then it’s all you can think about. Perverse.
Sadness is real and deserves time, too. And the holidays intensify emotions for most people – we think we should feel nothing but peace and love, and then feel like freaks of nature when we find sadness or anger or resentment creeping in. I say let it roll in and then let it roll out again.
And I hope it helps to know that your family brings happiness into my life… And not just the amazingly cute Annie and Rigby. The whole package that you guys offer to the world, blemishes and all. It’s refreshing and real.
Kim says:
I wish I could wash the hurt all away like the rain and bring her back. Xoxo
cj says:
i’m so sorry and wish that i could say or do something to help but i’m sending peace, love and happy thoughts your way (along with a BUNCH of other people). take care.
karen says:
The holiday is definitely a reminder to those who are missing someone, that the someone isn’t here to share it. You have a beautiful little girl to distract those thoughts..and there are so many many people who will never know the joy of having a child, even though they wanted one desperately. Perhaps focus on what is in the here and now and truly allow yourself to enjoy it. Allow yourself. I think sometimes people don’t, because they feel a guilt over actually allowing themselves to enjoy things again… and you so don’t deserve guilt. Let that part go.
Catherine says:
I believe that Maddie would be wishing for your smile, please smile for her! Enjoy that Annie baby…what a great cute pic of her with Rigby pulling the little sleigh.
Jen @ lifelove'n'wine says:
I read you every morning and I always wish that I knew what to say. I think of you and your family often, and wish you all the best. Even though something will be missing, you will enjoy seeing Annie enjoy her first Christmas…and I’m sure Rigby will be going crazy with the boxes and paper too!
Heather says:
You are holding up incredibly well under tremendous pressure. The fact that you can even talk about these things says something about your strength.
I’m sorry the photos threw you for such a loop, and you’re right, it is exhausting to play happy when you are dealing with all of this grief.
Kim says:
I have a good friend who lost her husband 3.5 years ago. He was 35. I have another good friend who lost her husband 40 years ago. He was 31. The one whose husband died 40 years ago said of the other one – she’s still in the thick of it; the time where everything is hard and hurts. At this stage some days are better than others, and even many days are better than others, but this is still the hard part.
I don’t say that to compared losses, but more just to remind you to give yourself some grace, especially when you’re still in the thick of it and it’s Christmastime and all these things just pile up. Lean on Mike and your family and love Annie. I think you’re doing those things beautifully!
Madeline Claire Alexander says:
Hi Heather,
I’ve been lurking for a while, but I never really commented. I lost my little baby sister, and I know it’s not the same thing or even close to the kind of pain a mother feels, but if it helps, I like to think that maybe they’re both watching over us. And they wouldn’t want us to be crying. She would be so confused if she saw me crying all the time. I talk to her and remember that she IS here, she IS- I just can’t see her. But she can see me. I know she can. And even if she can’t, will it hurt to believe that she can?
I feel REALLY jerk-y and awkward asking this, but how is Madeline pronounced? Lynn or Line?
Lora says:
Heather, I’m sending up some prayers and sending out some peaceful vibes for you. I’m sorry that it’s so, so hard.
Elizabeth says:
I wish I had some magic words to make you instantly feel better. Just know that we’re all here for you sending you hugs from all over the world. Lots of love and hugs (especially in times of trouble) DG love from KY.
nancy says:
I have buried both of my parents as well as both of my inlaws, but I know nothing out there can even compare to loosing your child. I am so very sorry and I know your pain , especially at this time of year, has to be overwhelming. I want to share two things and I hope that you dont see either one of these as in anyway believing that your struggle can be made easy overnight or that I feel you need to ” move on”. They were both things I have heard and they both have touched me and stayed with me a long time.
First…I do not know where you are in your faith. But I do know God meets us where we are at. It doesnt matter if you can quote scripture with the best of them.. or if you are new in your understanding. God will meet you right there. I once heard someone say.. ” When you are at the end of your rope, reach out and touch the hem of His garment “. Reach out Heather and He will help to pull you out of the gloom.
Secondly.. Did you ever see the Dr Phil show where the parents were grieving the passing of their young son. Someone may have even shared this with you , so forgive me if you have read about it before. Dr Phil told this amazing story that Jesus comes each day to take all the children in Heaven for a walk and each child takes a lighted candle. But each day the child of these parents stays behind. When asked why he doesnt come to play with the other children the child says. Each time I light my candle the tears of my parents blow it out. Dr Phil then stressed that how long someone grieves has nothing to do with how much they loved their child. You will never stop grieving.. but if you find yourself out with Annie and are having fun… Its a wonderful thing! Dont ever feel that Maddie isnt looking down on your or that she isnt taking a walk with all the children in Heaven right now. Imagine the beauty we see when we look at a Christmas tree and its lights.. we are in awe at that time. Only imagine the beauty she is being shown every single day.
Again.. I am keeping you and your family in my prayers and sending love to you all.
Colleen says:
Heather, she IS here, closer than you can imagine. You can’t see, touch, or hear her, but she is here. I was missing my dad this month, and it was my birthday. I asked him to show me a Christmas Cardinal (a rare sight in Minnesota with all of the crappy snow we have). I felt him with me all day yet was waiting for the Cradinal which was an impossible and obnoxious request. As the sun was setting, I looked into the woods and realized that the day was ending and I didn’t get my Cardinal. I am BIG on signs and I told my dad that if he was really with me on my birthday, he had to send a Cardinal. I was looking out the kitchen window, drinking tea and I spied a bird in a tree and I thought it was a Cardinal. Damn if that bird didn’t look right back and fly to our window feeder. It was a beautiful Cardinal and it got as close to me as it could! I smiled and said “Thanks, Dad.” and that bird flew away. I know she is with you and I imagine her heart is breaking when she sees you so sad. Celebrate her spirit and life by showing her you can be happy. She wants you to be happy, and she is with you.
Lauren from the AZ says:
Heather,
Here is a little saying that helps me get through the tough times:
“If ever there is a tomorrow when we’re not together, there is something you must always remember: You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart, I’ll always be with you.” –Winnie the Pooh
She is always, always with you. And so are we.
Sending love to you & your family this holiday!
mel says:
always thinking of you guys and always sending my love. I wish I could do more.
Ann Daniel says:
I don’t know what to say to make your pain totally go away. It never will. But, you could go re-read Annie’s birth post! It was such a wonderful day!!!
katherine says:
Sweet mama,
My losses are not like yours, but I’ve had a few of them and I often pause to think: if my hurt hurts so much, then I shudder to think what yours must feel like….
I have nothing to offer. Time, I know, changes grief but, to many, that’s no solace. Time also takes us further from our loved ones. Sometimes it feels like our grief, the intensity of our grief, is what keeps us connected with them… But this I will say:
My daughter is now almost 2. I snuggle with her at every moment she’ll let me, I sing to her, I laugh with her, I kiss her and smell her and adore her, and while doing so your Maddie is hovering in my mind and in my heart.
I’m thinking of you, sweet mama.
(P.S. I am not sure if you know about http://www.glowinthewoods.com It’s a website written primarily by and for parents of babies born at or before birth. But the writers are so eloquent and the conversation on grief so nuanced, that many parents of older children have found solace there.)
Kalen says:
Not to get too religious here, but when I think of Christmas, I think of the way everyone celebrated the birth of Jesus – which was the birth of hope. A new beginning. A way for the people to work through their hurt & their grief. His birth changed people, it healed them. He was taken early in life to fulfill the prophecy, and his mother wept at his feet as he was taken from her. Even knowing that there was nothing she could do & that this was supposed to happen the way she did, she threw herself on the ground as she watched her baby pass on from this world.
I’m quite sure Mary mourned the loss of her son during every “holiday”… every chance she got, really. He was to be celebrated… but he was also to be missed.
Not every story has to be all happy or all sad. Most aren’t, really. Your story is both happy and sad, and it’s okay to feel either way any time you want or need to. What makes your story even more beautiful is the hope & new beginning Annie brought to your family. The promise of a way to help you work through your hurt & grief. You will dip in and out of happiness and sadness your whole life – just like everyone else – though your sadness may be a little deeper or complicated than others will ever have to experience. We are still right there with you, you are not alone on that rollercoaster.
Happy Holidays to your family You'll get through it.
Jaime says:
I wish I had a magical solution for you… but I can offer (((HUGS)))
momof2 says:
I recommend some good old fashioned volunteering. Go sort and stack some boxes at your local food bank. While it may not make you happy it will make you feel useful and active. And sometimes that’s better. I’m not a religious person but I think the holidays are an especially good time to give (if you’re able). I also believe that happiness shouldn’t be the goal. It’s a result of doing something worthwhile with your life. So give yourself a break. Take care, focus on the long term–you’ll get through it.
Barnmaven says:
I think when it comes to profound loss, there are no “should’s”. You don’t have to be on a timetable to go through the stages of grief in your own way and your own time. This first Christmas of Annabel’s is understandably hard, I think its all right to let yourself be sad and honor the grief of not having your oldest daughter here with your youngest, with YOU. That’s an enormous, painful loss. You go right ahead and be sad if you need to. You will still have joy on Christmas when Annie tears through the wrapping paper — and you will have sadness too, and you know you CAN feel both of them at the same time.
I am not going to tell you its “going to be ok.” There’s not a thing OK about losing your child. But I will tell you its going to get better. It won’t always be this hard.
Now go kiss that baby for me.
Lori McBride says:
((((((hugs)))))), I agree that we just have to go through the grief….even though it sucks donkey-balls. :0( If we try to avoid it…it wells up and becomes even bigger than we can imagine. Annie is going to have a wonderful Christmas, YOU and Mike are too. If it means smiling and laughing through the tears at times…that’s okay. There’s a very special and beautiful angel watching over you all. Give yourself permission to feel….it’s all you can do, and know that there are so many that are lifting you all up in prayer and loving you through each moment…no matter what that entails.
Amber says:
Hi! I never, ever comment on your blog but I’ve been reading for well over a year now.
We lost our first daughter too. She now has a little sister like Annie. Your feelings are totally normal. Like you I also try not to go there but it is hard.
We can do it! Merry Christmas to all of you with Maddie watching down over you with her beautiful smile
Deborah says:
Sending you big, huge, sloppy hugs to make you feel better. Squish Annie’s sweet, chubby little legs when you need to smile. She’s a dream!
(((hugs)))
Lisa says:
I’m throwing you a rope and sending you as much love and as many hugs as it takes to bring that smile back. I wish I could do more. I think on Christmas morning when you are all in the middle of watching Annie rip her way through her first Christmas you’ll find that smile and enjoy the moment with her.
Love and hugs sweet friend.
boygroup says:
Coleen said it very well: she is here! She is the rain and the light and everything around you.
Always reading — never leaving a comment. I can’t imagine your loss, but I am sending you strength and hope — all the way from Germany. Happy holidays!
lauren says:
Hugs and love from NJ…..
“when you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on” Franklin D. Roosevelt
Angela says:
Well said, I hope we can be your knot when it feels like the rope is ready to slip from your hands. My older sister passed away at 2 months, and although I never met her – I feel like I lived in her shadow during my enitre childhood. I lived with a sister that I never saw, and I can tell you that it made me feel uncomfortable when my mother would bring up her name, because there was so much grief intertwined with the mention of a simple name. I knew if my mother said “Nancy” that soon, sadness would overcome her mood.
I’m not telling you this to tell you to change what feels natural, common or expected. I just wanted to give you another view from an insider. As I grew up and older – my sister and I each gave our daughters – one her first name and the other her middle name. I hope positive memories will fill little Annie’s mind when she hears “Maddie”.
Sue says:
HUGS,,,,,,,,HUGS,,,,,,,HUGS,,,,,,to you Heather, Mike, Annie, Rigby, and our precious, precious, angel Maddie.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Ditto!! Sending internet hugs…
Claire says:
Oh Heather, I wish for just one day I could bear your pain and anguish so you could have a break. I really would if I could. But I can’t so instead I will tell you again that you are strong and brave and I admire your courage. Sending you a big hug!
xo
J+1 says:
Christmas is tough for everyone, and for you it’s something I can’t imagine. Focus on the good, when you can. And Maddie’s there with all of you, too, though not how I wish she could be.
LD says:
I think that, sometimes, happiness is over-rated. Sometimes, you just need to stay on the couch and wallow so that you can rest from the need to put on a happy or normal face the rest of the time. You have a few days until Christmas. You’re allowed to have a break.
Skye says:
When Annie is old enough, she is going to look back at this Christmas and be in awe of how strong you were for her even when you had so much hurt.
I hope you have a wonderful day- or at least a pretty good day that may be tinged by sadness, but with wonderful moments. Savor the togetherness. And think about everyone who loves you and is so proud of your family for becoming even closer in your grief, and joining together to remember your Maddie.
MS says:
Dearest Heather,
Hang in there girl, for yourself and for your daughter, hang in there. Its okay to let the grief take over sometimes. The holidays will come with or without your help and enthusiasm. Annie will have a great first Christmas no matter what…have you met your family?!?! Wallow for what you’ve lost if you need to. Lean on others to get through the rest of 2010. Its okay sweetheart.
As for helping you find a smile-how about this little story about my sister’s Secret Santa gift to her boyfriend’s brother-in-law, whose name she drew in his family’s gift exchange. See, they draw names, and then everyone makes a list of what they might want-sky is the limit for the asking part. The BIL apparently wrote that he wanted an iPad, Blackhawks jersey, etc. on and on. Well, my sister works for Apple and lives in Chicago. So she got him a Blackhawks jersey and put it in an iPad box from work. Unfortunately, he lives in Atlanta, so only his wife and kids will be there to see his face on Christmas morning. But we’re all waiting with baited breath to hear how that little joke plays out! An iPad?!?! NO WAY!!!!!!!!!! Oh, wait, jersey. Darn! Nothing like a practical joke on family to put you in the Christmas Spirit, huh.
Laura says:
OK, I have to tell you something. Um, yeah, you don’t know us? But my son, who is just over a year and a half, is obsessed with your EleSpohr Rigby video. We watch it about 40 times a day. So if you notice a strange uptick in the number of times the video is played? That’s us! He won’t watch TV, but comes running in to the office yelling, “Baby puppy now! Dancing baby puppy now!” Then has to ask every time we watch, “What dat puppy doing? What dat baby doing? Eat Cheerios? Pee on grass?”
So, a random 20 month old just south of you in the vilified OC is obsessed with your song. He loves Annie and Rigby! And so I too think of you frequently and wish you peace and joy.
pilotswife97 says:
I have no words to say, just that I will be praying for you and Mike to have unexplainable peace this Christmas and in the coming year.
Laurie says:
Heather –
I can’t give you back your smile, I wish that I could. What I can do is open my arms and heart to you. Know that we all love you and want the best for you. I am throwing you a rope in the form of love. I know your family will rally and Annie and you will have a happy holiday and know that while I am with my family, I will be thinking of you and yours and sending out my good thoughts to you all. And in those moments, I hope you find your smile.
Jessica says:
Thinking of you always, Heather. I pray for your family every night.
No matter how hard we try, we can’t deny our emotions and feelings. The holidays seem to exemplify those feelings. You are a great mom to both your girls. Don’t forget that.
{HUGS}
Jennifer says:
Heather, I am a total stranger but I read your blog because I think it’s wonderful. Hang in there. Christmas is difficult for many people, but your pain is completely understandable. Try to remember what it’s about, and that Annie deserves a happy holiday. And that there are so many people out here rooting for you – even those of us you have never met.
Mike, loved the post office post. Been there. (My kids are older now, but once upon a time I was a mom to three under 4.) What I learned from similar experiences: Don’t let the old ladies get you down. They seem to live to scold young parents. It’s their issue, not yours. You are doing a great job.
Kat says:
I wish I had words to offer you that would fix things and make it all better. I can’t… I can tell you that I lost 2 babies and thought my world had come to an end, the sun would never shine again and the Earth would stop turning. I wanted to curl into a ball in bed and never move again. But, life happens… I had no choice but to continue moving. Not “move on”, you can’t you won’t… but just move. And over time, the pain doesn’t heal all the way, you will have the scar, but the tears become less frequent, the pang in your heart becomes less painful, the little things don’t get to you like the do when everything is still so fresh. So, I can’t offer you words to “fix” it now… but I can offer you words that I am sure that it will be better in time. Hoping you all have the Merriest Christmas and Happiest of New Years!
Elizabeth says:
Sending some smiles your way. You are an amazing person and I can’t even imagine what you are going through. I know you will be able to enjoy Annie’s first Christmas, Maddie will make sure of it
Jen says:
Me: Knock Knock
You: Who’s there?
Me: Interrupting Cow
You: Interrupting Co…..
Me: MOOOOOOOOOOO
That’s all I got.
Hugs to you…
Amy Collen says:
LOL! Love that, Jen!!!!
maryc says:
I know you will have some smiles watching Annie on Christmas morning. She is your little angel. I know Christmas can also be a sad day, my family misses our Dad who passed away a few years ago, he loved Christmas so much. Hang in there, I pray for you as I know your struggle must be so overwhelming at times. I realize you don’t know me, but I am sending you Love and Hugs for Christmas.
Nellie says:
Your loss is so tremendous — it will always come and go in such powerful blows. There are no words but lots of hugs and prayers that Maddie’s infinite love for you lifts you and brings you to higher ground, even for just a moment.
My cousin and his wife couldn’t have kids of their own so they joyfully adopted a handsome little boy and named him after my cousin’s deceased brother (he passed away when he was only 1 1/2 years old – I was 13 years old at the time). When I looked at their Christmas card with their son’s handsome, smiling face looking back at me, I just burst into a flood of tears — even after all these years, I still miss my cousin Joey who never got a chance to live a full and wonderful life. Loss is so all-consuming, especially when it is that of a child.
My heart embraces you — I hope you always know and feel how deeply you were loved by your Madeline and what an AMAZING MOM you were to her and are to Annabel!!
domestic extraordinaire says:
Many (((Hugs))) to you Heather. I have lost so many close to me around the holidays. It is especially hard since my dad went into the hospital on Christmas Eve and never returned. I couldn’t even imagine if it was one of my girls that was missing on Christmas. (or any day for that matter)
Love you guys lots! xoxo
Mitzi says:
All I can do is pray for you….and I do!
Rachel says:
I read every day, love every word. Christmas is magic, remember that. The lights on the murdered tree annie ripping open presents, you may not be able to see maddie but the way that you honor her memory and keep her spirit alive, keeps her near to you and your family and many people around the world. I will never forget her. Wishing you love and comfort this holiday season.
AmazingGreis says:
Sending so many (((hugs))) to you my friend!! I can not imagine the feelings. Wishing you so much love and happiness in the coming year. And hopefully I’ll get to see you again soon!
Kristin Wear says:
**Hugs**
If you can think of something that you would have, or want to buy Maddie for Christmas, buy it and give it to Annie. And every year Annie can be reminded of her big sister.
But no matter what you do, or how you feel, and if you fall apart, Annie will know you love her and how much you love her big sister.
Amanda says:
I cannot imagine what this Christmas is like for you. I’m sure Christmas day will be a mix of emotions, but your family and friends will help you I’m sure of it! With that I offer the only thing I can… (((hugs))).
Rebecca says:
In our newspaper today (The St Louis Post Dispatch) someone had written in about a child she lost and how she is different and how there is a part of her that is different for the better but a part of her that is damaged and will because nobody ever recovers from the death of a child. I thought of you and said a prayer. Just know that you and Mike and Annie have an army of followers that are praying for you and we all love all of you, especially Maddie.
Sharon says:
Heather,
I have no words of wisdom to share with you.
I do know what you are going through, and it hurts like hell.
Sending you strength, peace and hope.
Be well,
Marnie * says:
*HUGS*
The only thing I can say is that you and your family are in my thoughts.
Kim says:
I know my love, oh how I know. We just had Emma’s birthday last week. She would be 8. It kills me in a million ways. It gets a bit easier as my other kids get older and they demand more of my attention be given to them.
Take all the time you need. Annie won’t remember this Christmas, or really even the next 2. So you can take this time to be sad, miss Maddie and all that you should have had.
xoxoxo
katherine says:
ugh, I commented earlier, but I was back reading some of the comments and — I hate to admit it — I found myself being quite annoyed and exercising quite a bit of restraint trying to prevent myself from (nastily) replying to some of the commenters…
I just hope that, no matter what is said here, you remember that all of us are probably well-meaning. The problem is, very few people here have been in your shoes, so we have no clue what you’re really going through. Very few of us in the position to give any advice — you’re probably doing so so so much better than any of us would do in a similar situation. But assvice aside, we do mean well, and we do love you…
Mrs. FoodieLawyer says:
It sounds silly, but the movie “Love Actually” always makes me smile during the stressful holiday season. My husband and I watch it every year. It’s a sweet movie about love – maybe watching it with your Mike will allow your grief to take a backseat, for just a little bit.
Adrianne says:
I hate sitting here and searching my heart for comforting words, because I know that nothing can take away your pain. But I so desperately want to help in whatever little way that I can. I don’t know if looking at pictures of Maddie helps or hurts (probably both), but I know that every time I see her gorgeous face, I can’t help but smile with her. If you can’t smile for yourself right now, then smile for her; she would want you to be happy…. Much love to you and yours!
Missy says:
I don’t know what to say other than I am thinking of and praying for you and your family.
AngieM. says:
I know nothing anyone can say will make the pain magically disappear, just know that we are all here for you. I picture Maddie, in these tough times just wrapping her arms around you assuring you she will always be with you.
hugs to you Heather..a lot of hugs.
xoxo
Kim J says:
I feel for you so much. Please know even though we do not know each other I care. And unfortunately know how your feeling. I do it to myself each year also. What you said about seeing the two little girls in matching dresses. OHH my i just fell apart. When I see twin boys, well you know. I hope my angel and your angel have met in heaven and are having a glorious Christmas.
Ohh and I love your christmas cards. Annie and Maddie are beautiful children. This is our 5th Christmas without our lil boy and I still cannot do another photo Christmas card with out him. I have tried and I just cannot make myself do it. I need to do one next year, its not fair to his brother.
So I just wanted to send a huge cyber (((((HUG)))))) out to you and your family.
Kim
Laura says:
Oh Heather. Hang in there. Reading your words brings me to tears. Its simply not fair. Luckily, you have gorgeous, energetic, vibrant Annie to help ease your sorrows. I hope you find some peace this holiday season. Always in my prayers.
amourningmom says:
I wish I could send you a rope and a smile. I also wish we could both get off the roller coaster (at least for a little while). Take care of yourself. xo
Kassia Finn says:
I’m so sorry. Life it totally unfair. I don’t blame you one bit for being sad right now. Try to focus on the good. You have so much. A wonderful (and may I say good lookin’) husband who loves you to the moon and back and a sweet tiny girl who needs to see joy in her mama. Try to find the joy of the season.
Praying for you.
Donna P says:
Heather, I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through and what you will continue to go through. I can’t imagine the depression you must feel. On a positive note, you will spend the holidays with your lovely family. You’ll wake up on Christmas to a wonderful husband and a lovely young daughter who will be so excited! Smile and enjoy! Life is so fleeting and that day will not come around again. Embrace the moment, cherish the present. You can’t change the past (although I’ll bet there’s not a person who follows your blog that wouldn’t do almost anything to try for you). Hang in there and here’s wishing you the best for the holiday season and a wonderful new year.
Tara. says:
Oh Heather, I’m so sorry you’re having an especially tough time. I know this time of the year is hard for many people and then you have to add in the heartache of missing your sweet Maddie. It’s just not fair.
Have you shared this sinking feeling with your Docs? They may need to adjust your meds for the winter. I know many people that suffer from depression and/or bipolar need to tweak their meds for the lack of daylight in the winter months. I know I have to do that and it helps a lot. It’s not magic and won’t make it all go away, I know, but it may help give you some energy.
Can you take Annie and just drive around in the car listening to some of your favorite music? Get of LA a bit and just drive? That will get you out of the house and out of the rain. I have 4 kids and some days I just need to get out, but I have no sitter. I let them all pack up a bag of toys and snacks and we just drive. I crank up the tunes and just get lost in the lyrics and my surroundings. It helps so much.
Hang in there! Christmas morning is just a few days away. I know it will be so difficult, but Annie will make it just a bit better. I can see her face now, so happy to be ripping up paper and not having anyone tell her no.
Sending you and Mike lots of love, hugs and prayers.
Glenda says:
Sending you hugs…and praying that you can make it through the holiday season. Focus on Annie…she is your smile!
Melinda says:
Dear one…your smile is in Maddie’s and Annabel’s. And when you need it most you will find it. It is all to be expected you know, this unshakeable gloom and darkness. It is normal and so understandable. Have you ever read Tear Soup…I highly recommend it. It will validate this long grief journey you are on. I am so sorry for your pain.
Jill (mrschaos) says:
I’m not very good at telling jokes…they’re just not as funny in a comment. But if I knew it would help, I’d tell you as many as I know in hopes that it would make you smile our laugh.
But I will tell you this: You have made an impact on my life and the lives of many. I know only what you write here, of course, but you have touched my heart. The service that you provide to so many by telling your story is amazing. Both of your girls have a wonderful mommy who loves them so much. They have much to be proud of.
I wish you a very wonderful holiday season filled with much love and family.
Janet says:
I want to buy Santa onesies….but things aren’t perfect. We took a perfect holiday picture…but we’re not perfect. We’ll have a perfect Christmas morning, but I wont feel perfect. I’m empty and damaged. I’m sad. I hope that’s OK, because it’s all you’re gonna get. My sister is going on about how exhausted she is and how tired and overwhelmed she is, but all I can think about is the sweet girl i held for an hour. I want to scream at people that their lives are easy, but I don’t want to be the crazy person…oh wait. too late.
All I can offer is that you’re not alone…and through your blog I know that I’m not either…and that it’s ok to be sad. I thank God for my perfect son…and I will try to see Christmas through his eyes…since mine are all blurry with tears.
tara says:
heather – i haven’t posted in the comments in a while, because every time i do i say the same thing. all i can offer you is to say that there are SO many people, like me, strangers, who are wrapping you in love and hugs. you and your family are always in my thoughts. xo
Jessica says:
Heather,
I’ve never met you. I’ve never lost a child. But I think about you all the time. Seriously, like every day. I can not imagine how much pain your heart holds. It might get easier over time, but probably not. You love your girls so much, even though one is not here anymore.
I love you for that. Sending my thoughts.
Amanda says:
Of course Christmas and gloomy floody never-ending-rainy times are tough for those who have lost someone dear to them. Hang in there. The season will pass and you will get through it. Lots of love.
Nolita Morgan says:
Sending virtual hugs and positive vibes your way from Oklahoma! I imagine it is exhausting trying to distract your mind from thinking about sweet Maddie so give yourself a mental break…and maybe concentrate on how she lived and loved and affected so many lives and cherish those memories! I hope it gets better for you soon… P.S. LOVED your holiday pics of Annie and Rigby!
Amy Collen says:
Hmm…gotta think of something to make you smile. I don’t think I can top the knock knock cow joke. My friend told me a GREAT joke but I freakin’ forgot it!!! AAAAAGGGHHHH!!! Must cheer up, Heather. Well, it is raining and I have dirty diapers and Caillou coming out of my ears. Man, no child is that well behaved and certainly no parent is that patient. Craziness, utter craziness.
I know, I am tryin’ too hard. Ummmm….well I love watching the “While the Cats Away” video when I need some quick giggles. That video is SO funny!!! Especially the NO RIGBY!!! part. Ahhh…
Well, just know that I am thinkin’ about you (between the endless hours of Caillou). Oh yes, and ALWAYS running that marathon with you :). Much love, hugs, and BIG SMOOCHIE BOOCHIES!
Rebecca says:
“From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.” ~Psalm 61:2
I have never been where you are; this is All I have to offer.
Sherry says:
I haven’t read the previous comments, but I only imagine they all say this, “We love you, Heather and we’re all thinking of you. Many of us will never know what you’re going through but we read your words and are there to listen. We’re all giving you a BIG virtual hug.” And lastly, “Maddie truly does have soooo many people wrapped around her finger and always will.”
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
katrina says:
Oh, Heather. I’m so sorry you are down in the dumps. I wish I could fix it for you. Unfortunately, there is no fix for normal. What you are feeling is normal. The sadness is normal. Missing her is normal. When you see little girls in the mall that look the ages of Maddie and Annie (the spacing between the sibs) and you feel a stab right through the heart for what should have been….again, normal. Sometimes normal suuuuckkks big time. I’m not here to tell you what you should be doing, what you could be doing to cheer yourself up. I honestly think this is part of the sucky process of grieving. I’m not going to tell you that you have Annie to focus on and she is your smile — true, she makes you smile, but she is half of your smile and Maddie is the other half…and there’s pain in that fact. I’m not here to tell you that I understand, because how could I unless I, too, have lost a child? All I can really do right now is to wish you a Merry Christmas, and to tell you that I’m looking forward to the photos/video of Annabel ripping apart all those presents she gets on Christmas morning
MrsP says:
Just think that somewhere she’s having an awesome Christmas and is wishing that her mom does the same. As kids we never want to see our parents in the dumps and I’m sure she’s not any different. Enjoy Annie, love her and spoil her like you would both and take lots of pictures!!! I’m sure Maddie would love to see her mama smile.
Jenn says:
Hand out for grabbing, arms out for hugging, tissues out to wipe tears….yours AND mine. You are absolutely right. Maddie SHOULD be here….she should and it shatters me she is not. Holidays will probably always be bitter/sweet and hurtful. I wish I could stop that but, when I am feeling such sadness and I’m not even her mom, I cannot believe the profound hurt in your heart. Today I send you love…from one Mama to another and I will once again remind you, I am right here for you and Mike because….I love and miss her too.
Nicole says:
Awww, big HUGS!!!
I don’t want to sound like an ass by saying what your 3 year old daughter would be doing or playing with…but if she’s anything like mine (just a few days younger than Maddie), I’ll make a wager that she’s up there playing house and telling Aunt Kathy that she is the mommy, and Aunt Kathy is baby Annie, and that a pillow in the corner is Rigby….and they’re giggling like crazy and having a ball with their babies together. : ) And every baby she plays with, she calls Annie because she loves her sister THAT MUCH.
You can do this, Heather.
XOXO
Expat Mom says:
I don’t know that anyone can say anything to make you smile right now, but I know just feeling support can help. It’s ok to be sad right now and not happy . . . you’re missing Maddie and that is 100% ok. I don’t know if it would be too painful or not, but what about sitting down with Annie and telling her stories about her sister’s first Christmas? It could be a way to bring Maddie closer to the celebrations and help Annie get to know her better.
Melissa says:
This might sound weird…but it helps me. Sometimes, when I’m missing someone I’ve lost, I imagine being able to have a real conversation with them. I tell them how much I miss them and everything in my heart. And I can’t help but picture them to tell me to be happy. To remember them, to miss them but to be happy. Maddie would want you to be truly happy on Christmas. She wants you to love watching Annie opening her gifts. She wants to be remembered. She wants you to wish she was there. But I honestly believe that she wouldn’t want you to feel dark and sad. I know it’s easier said than done but sometimes just picturing what she’d say to you helps.
And I say if you want to buy her a gift, do it. If you see something that makes you think of her, or something you can put next to her urn or even a toy that you think she’d love…get it. You can wrap it up and put it under the tree for her. And if you never open it, it’s ok.
I’m not sure if any of this helps at all or just sounds odd but I hope you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Paige says:
So you asked for something to pull you out of the dumps…. here is what a 7 year old told me the other day:
“Santa has to be real!”
“Why?” I asked her.
(in a very serious tone) “Because last year he brought me an American Girl doll and my mom would NEVER spend that much money!”
Hope it made you smile!! Keep your chin up. Times are tough but I think you can do it!
Jill Sarven says:
from Maddie (you are the bestest mommy…ever) and always will be
did that help….feel your sadness ……take care Jill Sarven
amanda says:
I was listening to Christmas music on the iPod when this came on (I know…not Christmas music…anyway) I immediately thought of you and had to come back for another comment.
Kim says:
This song was perfect. I clicked on your link and couldn’t believe how well this song fit for this post. I bet this put a smile on Heather’s face!
Staci Ainsworth says:
I can’t begin to know how you feel but I can only pray that you’ll take deep breaths and take each moment as it comes and hopefully, the moments are more joy-filled than not.
((HUGS))
Rebecca Dube says:
I’m also a lurker, but I couldn’t read and not comment. Your words have touched me, and so many, and changed our lives in important ways. Thank you, and I’m sorry you feel so lousy.
This is probably stupid and corny, and I heard it on an episode of the West Wing, but I like it: Guy’s walking along and he falls into a deep pit. Shouts for help, and his friend comes along. Friend seems him, and jumps into the pit with him. “What did you do that for, dummy? Why didn’t you get a rope? Now we’re both stuck down here,” he says. “Yeah,” the friend answers. “But I’ve been down here before. I know the way out.”
That sounded a lot deeper when they said it on the West Wing. But you’ve got a lot of friends down in this pit with you.
Pea Lea says:
Heather and Mike,
I am so sorry you are struggling so greatly at this time. IT does seem so unfair to be missing Maddie so much when you are looking forward to seeing her little sister experience her first Christmas. Heather, having a tooth ache can make the whole world seem mean. As a nurse I would like to advise that you go easy on yourself, try to lay off the sweets and white flour (I know I know) and get to bed a little early tonight. Tomorrow will look a tiny bit better. You guys can do it, just take one baby step at a time and try to give the girl in your arms and the girl in your heart both the best Christmas you can.
Sending you warm (dry) thoughts. Pea
MyBabyBeluga says:
I wish for strength to help you through this time. You are such a brave person. And I wish you and your family a very happy holiday.
amanda says:
The holidays can really suck, and be so hard for people – especially with all the forced jolly festive cheer everywhere. I really hope and pray your Christmas is wonderful – and I know Maddie hopes the same for you too. xo
Michele says:
I think it’s more than ok and understandable to be sad especially at this time of year. My thoughts are with you…
Rebecca says:
Holidays and continuous rain can make it tough even in the best of times. All you can do is put on foot in front of the other (but I guess you do have to get off the couch). You are surrounded by many who love you.
Becki
Tracy says:
Heather…I worked in dental offices for 7 years. If your tooth is aching that bad…you probably need a root canal. See if your dentist will start it now – it will relieve the pain – and finish it next month. Usually the charge does not occur until the procedure is complete…and if it’s a root canal…it could take three or four appointments.
I’m sorry you’re sad. I wish I had the right words. But perhaps NOT being in physical pain would improve the emotional pain. hugs, Tracy
Dee Dee says:
I will throw you a rope and one for Annabel too so I can harness ya’ll to visit!
I read Dear Abby today and immediately thought of you. It was a parent trying to convince her friends/family to accept her as the person she is now without her daughter and quit trying to convince her to “move on”. She stressed this is who she is for the rest of her life and she will never move on from missing her baby girl. Take care and hugs to you!
Ashley says:
I read the same “Dear Abby” today and though of Heather, too!
Veronika says:
{{hugs}}
edenlande says:
Hey spunky lady. I thought about you as I (finally) went to sleep last night, and I’ve thought about you all morning.
The rain has a way of making everything worse. It’s like it’s its job. Thanks rain.
::
I read your blog, every single post. Your hair tutorials, your photo posts … all of it. It’s all fluid and moving, and interesting … it’s YOU. You’re a friend in the computer to a lot of people, and even though you may not know all who read you, we know and ADORE you.
I can only imagine what it must be like, for you and Mike. (Or “Peach” as I will always call him now.)
It must be so tricky and hard, some days you are ok with all that happened and can accept it, some days it must be a wicked feeling, heavy in your hearts …. to ache for the one person you want most of all. You are doing magnificently. Grief comes in many forms.
My wish for you this Christmas is that you are surrounded by people who love you, and you can really feel that love, let it hold you up when sometimes you can’t do it yourselves.
Love you mate.
XOXOXOOXOX
dysfunctional mom says:
I wish Maddie were there with you all, too.
I hope Christmas Day is as painless as possible.
Kim says:
I cannot even imagine your pain, Heather. How you feel is completely normal. I wish I had something to say that would make you smile but I don’t. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. Sending big hugs to you and your family this holiday and hoping that you can find some bit of happiness on Christmas.
ally says:
I love you.
That it all.
Dawn says:
I wish there was some magic words someone could say to make you feel better but I don’t think there are.
A year and five days ago I lost my very best friend of 20 years. I know that’s not even comparable to losing a child. I look at my kids and I get that. But, losing my best friend left a big hole in me that I don’t think will ever be filled.
A friend sent me a quote that gives me a little different perspective
“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”
Dr. Seuss
I try to smile because it happened whenever I feel like crying (which is almost every single day). Sometimes it helps a teeny bit. If not, sometimes a little Bailey’s takes the edge off.
Hugs!
Shalini says:
Sometimes it’s okay to not find your smile. Sometimes we’re sad and that’s okay, even if it lasts a while. Sometimes the sad times pass just a wee bit quicker in the long run if we just allow ourselves full permission to just…be…sad.
It’s hard, and it hurts– but purging yourself of that sadness is incredibly healing, not only now, but in the long run. I know you cry and are sad, but I always sense resistance. You feel this pressure to not be sad, to be happy for Annie– but sometimes, it’s okay to just let go and fall into that sadness.
You won’t get lost, in fact, you’ll be surprised at how fast you’ll find the surface again.
Stephanie says:
Lots of hugs girl. Think positive and happy thoughts.
April says:
I read your blog everyday! I absolutely have loved watching Annie grow up so far . . . and I adore the way you keep Maddie’s memory alive in every thing you do!
I always get strength from you. Now that you are asking for some I wish there was a way to give it to you.
I will be thinking of you, your family and Maddie on the big day!
Ashley says:
I read or heard something not too long ago about how the best thing you can do sometimes when someone is grieving is just be present. I have never been able to find good words of comfort, and found others’ attempts at comforting when I myself were grieving more abrasive than soothing, so I’m not going to even try here. Just know that I (a total stranger but someone who has been reading for over a year now and praying and hoping for you and your family all along), along with so many others, are present here for you today, and tomorrow, and many more days to come as you ride the rollercoaster.
Much love, dear.
Kayla says:
I say give into your feelings a little, because they are unbelievably justified, and then try your best to “fake it till ‘ya make it”.
When I’m very sad, I try to listen to the happiest songs I have in my arsenal and sometimes, they make me smile. And I’m talking songs that are almost vomit worthy they’re so *cute*. I’ll share with you my best;
1. Smile, by Uncle Kracker.
2. Lucky, by Jason Mraz and Colbie Calliat.
3. Say Hey (I Love You), by Michael Franti and Spearheads.
I’ll also leave you with a quote.
“When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” – Thomas Jefferson.
Amanda says:
All I can offer is that we are all here, thinking of you and Mike, keeping you close to our hearts.
Elizabeth says:
Love and peace.
Elizabeth says:
I haven’t visited in a while but have loved catching up with you and your beautiful family. I’m sorry about your sadness and thought you might appreciate the following article — one of the most beautiful things I’ve read recently about grief and loss: http://www.thesunmagazine.org/issues/385/through_a_glass_darkly?page=1
Dawn says:
Because of you Heather… many of us, out in this world, hug our kiddos a little longer….We stop and smile when they are being their CRAZY kid selves instead of being frustrated. We appreciate what we have in there here and now.
We do this…
Because of your beautiful Maddie.
Because we felt we lost when you lost.
Because of the perspective that you have shared.
Because you are an awesome mom to Annie and Maddie.
So, thank you.
Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a joyous 1st Christmas to Annie!
gemitt says:
I should have a six year old child for this holiday season, instead I miscarried at ten weeks. Self hatred rules during holidays. I’m a failure, the gifts our lost children didn’t get would be awesome.
Jennifer says:
Maddie is going to be watching over you all Christmas morning and will thoroughly enjoy seeing Annie open all of her presents. I know different people have different beliefs, but I’d like to think that Maddie will be in heaven playing with all the toys that are “hot” this year for 3-year olds. Barbies, baby dolls, a nursery, a kitchen, reading books, dancing while listening to music… I can’t imagine how hard the holidays must be for you all. She’s with you throughout it all – and you’ll see her more and more as Annie grows.
Liz says:
I don’t have any wonderful words for you…just sending all my best and hoping your day is brighter today.
Leslie says:
I love you.
Amanda M. says:
I love the rain! Is it going crazy today in LA? It’s going crazy down here in Orange today. Suddenly, a cloud just opens up and I have a waterfall outside my bedroom window.
The rain is so cleansing. It leaves the air crisp, leaves a shine to everything it touches. Rain washes everything away.
Next time there’s a break in the rain, you should run outside with your camera. Take a picture of anything, and the raindrops will make it beautiful.
Melissa says:
I dont have any words that can make you smile. But I am sure Annie is taking that up. Just breathe. It just sucks that you are in this “club” that nobody should ever be in.
Alison says:
Sending you love and strength.
xoxo
Hannah says:
I have a feeling that, come Christmas morning, a smile will find your face without you having to try. You think Maddie doesn’t get Christmas where she is!?!?!?!? I bet it’s way better. I bet pumpkin pie has negative calories and makes you smarter where she is. Whipped cream is probably still murder, though.
Michele Staley says:
*big hugs* I’ll be glad to throw you a rope, but I can tell you now, coming from here, it will wind up with a dog attached and ready to play tug. Maybe even two.
alicia says:
Nothing to say. Just hugs from the Innerwebz.
Heather says:
Blocks. Three year olds like building blocks and bubble machines. And they laugh out loud at the adventures of scardy squirrel. 3 is also a good year to bring out that bowling set you got them a year before, but they never quite figured out how to use. They love cosmetic jewellery and will squeal with delight if you get them a play make-up set. Now she can put make-up on with Mommy instead of just reaching for your brushes.
I know those images might be painful, but I always found it helpful, to invision my children growing, with personalities of their own. It connects us to them. It keeps them alive. Maybe it could do the same for you.