Anyone who has a blog that is open to the world (meaning, one that isn’t password protected), has to make decisions every day about what to share and what to keep offline. A lot of things aren’t shared simply because they’re dull. No one really wants to read about how many bowls of cereal were consumed in my house today (five). So that little factoid doesn’t get shared, but it’s funny – no one leaves comments insisting that we eat.
Then there are the things I don’t write about because I (we) am not ready to share them. I don’t talk about the three doctors whose care I am under, two of whom I see weekly. One of my doctors reads my blog every day. One of the doctor’s assistants calls once a week to check in. ALL my doctors know exactly how I am feeling, because they ask and I tell them. I trust them. They are medical professionals who know my entire history. Who actually DO know how many bowls of cereal were consumed in my house today, because it’s important that they know EVERYTHING.
Besides my doctors and my husband, there isn’t anyone else that needs to know everything.
I write about my feelings on my blog because it is my outlet. I keep my blog public because I think it’s important for people to see that grief is messy. It doesn’t fit in a little box. It doesn’t follow rules or steps. I know grief is hard to read about, but I’m not required reading. I KNOW that writing about what I’m feeling and going through helps people, because they tell me it does. And I know it helps me.
There may be a small few who think they have a complete insight into my life because I post 350 words five days a week. They are welcome to make assumptions, but so far they’ve all been wrong. Then there is the large majority who read my posts, have concerns, and instead of drawing conclusions, they reach out. They ask questions, voice their thoughts, and they do it with love and friendship. Those are the people that I hope always read my blog. They not only help me, but they help the hundreds of other grieving parents that gather here. So to them, I say, “thank you.”
To the others? You’re not worth my time.
My heart is with you.. always. Keep writing.
.-= Chrissi´s last blog ..The Silent Grievers =-.
Mary from WA says:
Your writing on “The Silent Grievers” was beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
.-= Mary from WA´s last blog ..Classic =-.
Nancy Smego says:
I only know you through Jackie! and I adore you. Keep on writing.
keep posting about your love and sadness. it may not be every detail, but its real. that matters.
I agree with Lexi whole-heartedly. What you do, what you write has a profound impact on anyone who might encounter it. It has made a huge impact on my life. I think of you and your sweet baby often. The reality you describe is one that many people refuse to face, and even when it is hard to read your posts because I don’t want to imagine what you are going through, I read them andon a small level (small because your grief is unimaginable), I feel what you are feeling. I have yet to encounter someone elses pain presented in such a real way. You are an amazing woman. My thoughts are with you and your husband.
I’m not really sure what category I fall into, but I truly hope you know that I care deeply for you and what you’re going through even though I have no idea what to say.
I second that.
And I third that … :o) Third? Hmm … you know what I mean.
Formerly Gracie says:
Fourths over here. I just want to continue to tell you how so very, very sorry I am.
I’m with them, I don’t comment often, mostly because I don’t know what to say, but I read your words and see the pain behind them.
How could anyone assume they know a person simply by reading their blog? Asshats.
You said it well. I’m sorry you have more to deal with…Mental hugs from the East Coast
Keep hanging in there H …. You and Mike have an Angel by your
side through each step you take, virtual or
otherwise. Plus a whole lotta friends!
(( HUGS ))
.-= Kim´s last blog ..Why? =-.
I don’t comment but I do read. I want to thank you for being brave enough to share what you do! I guess no matter what there will always be haters out there (seems the internet is where they call home.) I wish you the best and I am often at a loss for words which is why I mostly just read and not comment. But felt the need to say something after reading this! So I hope you know that you have more “friends” that don’t comment also.
I need to ditto the comment above me.. I don’t know what to say either, but this post made me feel I had to write. I just needed to tell you that you are in my prayers every night. I have only commented a few times, but I think about you every day. I have not been through the horror that you’ve experienced with Maddies death, so I would never presume to tell you how to grieve.. Your pain is palpable in your posts, and many times they leave me in tears. But I do think that they have helped me to be a better, more supportive and understanding friend to my good friend who just lost her daughter to cancer. I just try to remember Katie with love, tell stories of her.. and listen. Most of all, just listen. You have helped me learn that that is what I need to do.
I am so sorry for the tremendous loss of Maddie. She has touched so many .. you will never know how much.
Also a first time commentor and must say ITA with Apples. I check your blog several times a week and started reading every entry from the begining when I heard about Maddie. Continue to ignore the rude ones and know you have many silent supporters who are so overwelmed by the pain you share that we can’t imagine finding the right words to comfort you.
another first-timer…i guess there’s not much to say that hasn’t been said.
i lost a son…in a much different way, but i do know the pain of having your child one night, and not having them the next. i know the nights of sadness. wish i could do something to help you…
Damn, girl, you never cease to give me reasons to be amazed & proud of you. Well spoken & classy & very true.
I wanted to let you know that if you don’t want to leave the house to see me next week, I will come to your house, wear sweats, bring food and movies and sit in silence with you, if that’s what you want, just the same as I will leave you be if that is what you need. But you should I know how I adore you and that I would jump at the chance to help you in any tiny way. Any way.
Why would anyone make assumptions about you after reading your blog? Sometimes I really hate people. Nothing better to do than to judge and be hurtful to others. I’m sorry people like that are reading your blog. That’s not what this is all supposed to be about. I, for one appreciate all you share…. especially ’cause you don’t have to share anything. You are lovely…. you are right, they aren’t worth your time… screw them!
Most of the time I think they are trying to help and feel helpless. It’s the life of a blogger — because they have a small access window into our lives, they think they know everything.
Heather, keep writing. Maybe someone else grieving will see your blog and you can help them through their horrible time, and they can see they are not alone.
My heart goes out to you every single day.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Wednesday’s Hero =-.
I, too, have been burnt by people’s assumptions. I stopped sharing through Facebook due to hurtful assumptions. And my blog has become so much less personal. But I love that you are still sharing. I love that you are real. It is one of the reasons that I remember your daughter when I see the color purple and check everyday to see how you are feeling today. Sending love and good comments your way!
.-= Becky´s last blog ..Just itching to quilt =-.
I haven’t ever commented before but have been reading for about eight months. Your blog is one that I read regularly because what you write is so honest and this post is no different. I admire and respect you for that. Thank you for sharing with us.
Like you said, it would be so easy to stop or make it private. I feel honoured that you still let us peek in. I don’t usually comment but I wanted to say thank you for continuing to write.
.-= Sandi´s last blog ..treading water =-.
I am with you on every single word Heather. I would love to talk to you on email, as I’m going through a similar hell, but I know you must get inundated each day. I’m always here, if you want to drop me a line. I had a similast post a few days about honesty, and when and where I’m honest, and when and where I’m not. But those (especially some “friends”) who read my blog and make judgements about me, are sersiously way of track, because the blog is just one thing I do, it is not 100 per cent who I am.
Like you though, it is an outlet and I do find it helps. Please keep blogging. As much as I hate the subject matter, your words are refreshing and do remind me I am normal.
.-= Sally´s last blog ..The path not taken =-.
Sara @heartmychloe says:
Damn straight. You tell ’em, Heather!
.-= Sara @heartmychloe´s last blog ..S s s sangria!!! =-.
thank your for keeping up with the writing. I usually dont comment, though my heart goes out to you. sometimes, ill admit, i will make a quick assumption or conclusion when im reading this, but i know that no one who has never gone through what you have will ever understand, and i really wish you didnt haveto know, but considering the circumstances, id just like to say that you are an inspiration to many people, not just those suffering loss. Im 17 years old and I hope that one day I can be as strong and open to others as you have been these past few months. You had every right to shut down, close everyone out and bury your head in the sand, but the inspiration in your story is that you allowed everyone to grieve with you. Thank you.
God I hope I am not in the category that causes you any more pain than you are already in. I hope I have not said anything that would hurt or upset you Heather. And I am so, so glad you have great people around you caring for you. xxx
.-= Seraphim´s last blog ..Ebb and Flow =-.
I don’t know you at all but I am with you all the way.
.-= tiff´s last blog ..I need your help. =-.
Mrs. Spohr, you are class all the way my lady. Even when it is messy you exude a thoughtfulness rarely seen.
Amen, Duchess…Amen. You tell ’em Heather.
Apple Sauce says:
I couldn’t agree with you more Duchess. Heather, I think of you everyday. I hope that you find peace.
.-= Apple Sauce´s last blog ..This is the post where I complain about strangers =-.
You Spohrs are extremely special
I remember that I left a comment on one of your posts that I thought was supportive and sympathetic and I realized later that it wasn’t. It was well-intentioned, but you know what they say about “good intentions”. I believe that your words are really helping a lot of people that have lost children – and you have helped me, too…I don’t have children, but I have definitely become more mindful and tried to learn that putting myself into someone else’s shoes is all well and good. But there are times where all that can be said is a simple “sending hugs”, “thinking of you” or something like that. Because there is more to sympathy than understanding. There is more to it than trying to find a parallel from my own life to share. … We’ve never met, you and I, and likely never will, but through your blog I have come to care about you and your family and what happens to you. I will always read what you write. Thank your for sharing with all of us….you truly are helping more people than you can know. I am glad to read that it’s helping you, too. I hope it continues to do so. … (((Hugs)))
catherine lucas says:
Dear Heather, your life is as much in what you don’t write as in what you do write about. We should always remember that real-life blogs are only that: blogs about life. Little snippets of life. And in your place it is also about how to live when you have days that you don’t want to live and be with your daughter.
I often wonder if you get help by all our comments or if we only drag you down at days. But then I am pretty sure that we gather here all for the same reason: you write about Maddie, and Maddie is what we want to read about. Your writing about her and about how you and Mike are doing is teaching us valuable things.
I am pleased to hear that you are in the care of friends, family and docs, although I do believe that your blog is the best therapy you will ever get. We are all so fortunate that you allow us to peek in, we can only bow our head and listen to you.
i was so mad after i read your post yesterday… not at you, but at the fact that you have to go thru this, that maddie’s not there, that we miss out on reading about your adventures with her and the happiness she gave you guys… i miss her silliness and the fact that you only have this little urn left… it just sucks and breaks my heart. i was thinking yesterday that i don’t know if i’d feel exactly the same in your position, but i sure as hell would never judge how you feel…. for whatever it’s worth, i am so glad i somehow ended up at this blog and got to read about her for all those months that she was here and made the world that much brighter.
I read your blog every time you update us on how you, Mike and your family are doing. I don’t always comment, because I hear you when you say you are venting, that you just need to get it out. I wish I had found you in happier times but after spending an afternoon going right back to the beginning just after I started reading here, I do feel that the whole blog has been the same from the beginning. You write about what you want to share, what you want us to hear, what you need us to know.
Anyone who thinks that any blog is an accurate description of anyone’s life is batty. I keep a blog as I live in Australia, but I am English, so all my family are in the UK, as are most of my friends. It keeps them uptodate by giving them an overview of what we’re doing. The more astute of them read between the lines and will drop me an email or a text to find out how I am doing.
I was saddened to hear that some of the comments you are getting about writing so openly and honestly about grief and the muddle it is, the havoc it wreaks on your life are less than complimentary. Why do people like that witch who wrote on your partner in suck blog even bother?
Because it makes their measly little lives seem better by criticising someone elses. Instead of looking inwards at the pain they are feeling, it is easier to shut it off and nit-pick at others.
As you said, they are not worth your time. Ignore them, take strength from your world-wide supporters who rally around you, your immediate family and friends, offering you all that we can, our love, our hope, our words.
You have far, far more people fighting in your corner than the small sounds of discord.
Heather and Mike, be strong. I know it is horrible and that you still feel like you are clinging to a little life-raft while your whole world rocks and rolls around you. You will get through this, you won’t ever be whole again, you won’t ever have the life you had before, but by keeping Maddie alive through these pages, by being as honest as you can about your grief, you are helping so many people, including yourselves.
Much love as always
.-= Maddie´s last blog ..Oomph =-.
Sara M. says:
I agree, well said.
Big hugs to you Heather, Mike, & your whole family.
from 1 more fighting in your corner…Sara M.
.-= Sara M.´s last blog ..I’m stunned…. =-.
It completely blows my mind to shreds that you would even have to write this post. Yesterdays comments were ….just…evil. It frightens me terribly that there are truly sick people in this world that thrive on causing other people pain. I can’t even …ugh, just…no words.
I think you are brave and honest and strong, even if you don’t feel that way. You write such beautiful raw real posts. I hope you continue to do so, so we all get to know Maddy even more, and we get to know you – her wonderful Mommy.
I ache for you, I just simply ache for you. I come back to your blog almost daily, just to somehow, I don’t know, in some way send you some kind of vibe that you are not alone? I wish there was something else I could do for you, I have no idea what.
.-= Kate´s last blog ..Cabin Fever =-.
Wow! Darn right and way to go, girl!
Lots of love, hugs, good thoughts & always many prayers for you, Mike, Rigby and Miss Madeline.
If people are being assholes to you, then they deserve a verbal smackdown worse than the one you gave. But you have more class than I do.
Thank you for sharing the parts of your life that you do choose to share. We deserve to know nothing more than what you choose to tell us – true of yours, and any, blog.
xo from CT,
.-= amanda´s last blog ..we’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto =-.
Joe @ Irrational Dad says:
I don’t comment much anymore, because I just can’t find the words I want to say. I read and I think “I really hope Heather and Mike come out of this okay.” So, I’m part of a third group of people that doesn’t always say something, mostly because we have no idea WHAT to say, but we’re always listening to your words.
.-= Joe @ Irrational Dad´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday v. 12 Months =-.
EXACTLY what I was thinking! (well put, Joe) I often wonder if the comments, as well intentioned as they are, really help or are they, at times, suffocating? For the most part they’ve been good, supportive, loving…but is it ever just TOO much? Although I may not ever comment again, I’ll read as long as you allow and you will forever be in my thoughts & prayers.
Simple and eloquent. Well said.
.-= Karen´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.
I just read all the comments on your last post. I think Kelly is actually a balding 47-year-old fat man from Venezuela, trying to stir up some shit.
A while ago, I was reading your blog and I thought, “Man, I really hope everyone plays nice.”
As in life, there are people in Blogland who are rotten to the core. But, there are thousands of us who have your back, Heather.
Sending you so much motherfucking love.
(Because motherfucking love is better than just love.)
I wanted to add my motherfucking love to this, too. I agree. It is much better than just plain old love.
Hugs to you, Heather.
How can you be so patient and tolerant of the asshats of the world, especially under these circumstances? I’ll never know, but I hope I’m even just a little bit like you when I grow up.
And to all the commenters who came out like mother lions on the last post, I raise a glass of Red Bull to you. You made sailors blush. Nicely done.
.-= Casey´s last blog ..Not keen on these peaches =-.
I hope that you never feel that I have judged you or made assumptions on what you are going through.
I’m here to witness your words and your pain, and to stand up and say “yes – Maddie was here, and she mattered!”. You matter.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..4:30am is storytime! =-.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
I’m so glad that you are allowing us readers to join you in your grief. Thank you.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Reminders =-.
I cannot admit to reading all of teh comments on your postings, but I am suprised that anyone would give you grief on what you are saying, feeling, doing, and writing. I cannot say that I know everything about you, in fact I know only very little peices that you share here. I am just a stranger who stumbbled onto your blog and genuinely wants to offer some support and care. I do hope that you eat more than cereal, and if you are looking for any tips to put on weight (not many people need these) I am your girl, I put on weight like it is my job so I am sure I can give you a few “pour more syrup on it tricks”. Take care and good thoughts to yu and Mike.
.-= charlane´s last blog ..Life’s a Beach! =-.
Leigh Anne says:
Each day that I read, I can only continue to say I understand. I wish I didn’t, but I do understand.
I lived in a glass house too. People criticized me because of my blog too. Writing was part of how I dealt with the grief. It got so bad that I had to quit writing for a while. I shut down the original website that was created for my son and started a new one. Still, to this day, I am very careful about what I say and so not say on my blog. To me that is sad because it was my link to expression and healing. Through the blog I said things that I would have never said out loud in front of my kids and husband. It was my release.
Everything that you are doing is right. People who want to slam or judge you have obviously never lost a child. The will never and can never understand until they have a similar experience.
And, I wish that I could tell you that if you gave it time this will all go away. You WILL learn to cope better. The pain WILL become less raw. But, it WILL NEVER go away. Some days I hurt just as bad as the day it happened. Some days the people around me would never know that I experienced such a tragic loss.
I will continue to keep you in my prayers. The person Maddie knew was energetic, funny, loving, and a wonderful mother. You can be that same person again to a degree. You will learn from all of this and be better. I know it does not seem possible that you would be able to pick up all those pieces again, but you will do it. You will do it because Maddie wants you back too.
.-= Leigh Anne´s last blog ..Half Bath/Utility Room =-.
Mary C says:
I guess if motherfucking love is better then just love. I’m sending you motherfucking love too!
Heather you are a strong, amazing women. kudos to your post today. You tell ’em. I’d like to tell them, but I’m afraid I’d be to hateful and say things without tact.
sending you lots of hugs with motherfucking love.
I’ve been reading your blog daily for months…I have never commented, but want you to know I pray for you and Mike daily. I love reading about Maddie, and am so sorry if you’ve been offended by me not commenting. I would probably leave a novel each time, your posts make my heart ache for you both.
nic @mybottlesup says:
heather- you never cease to amaze me. writing something so exquisite and succinct in the midst of your pain and sorrow, is something that needs to be noted. it’s absolutely remarkable and a testament to the strength that you developed in becoming maddie’s mother.
you have a tough skin sweetie… and the softest of hearts.
i’m so proud of you.
.-= nic @mybottlesup´s last blog ..boo boo magoo =-.
I am sorry if you are receiving anything other than support here…sometimes it is hard to know what to write in response to your unfathamable grief…sometimes it is best to just listen. So when I don’t comment, it is because I don’t want to say something wrong…even if it is well intentioned. For the record, I am glad you are eating! And I am so glad you are seeking help and support.
Anna Marie Hinnant says:
I would like to say it is unbelievable that people would be less than supportive…but it is no secret that there are certain rotten people out there who feel the need to be, well, rotten. I’m sorry you have to deal with them.
Hugs. I’m glad you and Mike are getting the support and help you need.
I’m sorry there are people out here adding to your sadness.
I am here because what you write is so poignant and I feel so bad for what you are going through. I’m not here to see a trainwreck (here or at GB’s). I am here to see a human spirit come through unspeakable tragedy to the other side someday – alas forever changed. I have complete faith that it will happen, though I don’t know how.
You are quite a bit younger than me, but I am learning so much from you and your experience. Human grace being top of the list.
Thank you. You and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
Leigh Anne says:
WOW, I just went back to yesterday’s post to see what happened. I’m speechless.
Heather, I have lost a baby during pregnancy and I have lost a son when he was 14 years old (22 days before his 15th birthday). When I lost the baby I thought there could never ever be anything worse. Then I lost the boy. I would never minimize the loss of a baby during pregnancy. It was devastating. But, then, I lost the boy. It was devastating too.
That thing that made the comment yesterday is ignorant. I don’t know what else to say about it.
Five weeks after I lost the boy I went to the doctor for medication. It did help me quit crying 24/7, however, I had no emotions and that made me feel worse/guilty. That only lasted for about 3 weeks and then the crying started again. My body needed more of the drug. I went off cold turkey because I did not want to take pills for the rest of my life. That was a big mistake. The doctors are right when they tell you that you have to go off of them slowly. It is amazing that I did not kill myself or my other kids in the process.
You do what is best for you. If it is the medication, then go for it. If it is being mad at the world, then go for that too. NO ONE has a right to tell you what is best for you. You will figure that out all on your own. I did.
Stay strong- I know you probably don’t FEEL strong, but the simple fact that you are writing here, for all of us to read, proves otherwise. Do what you need to do to get yourself through this- there is no right or wrong way.
.-= Jen´s last blog ..weekly winners, volume 15 =-.
I read your blog because I enjoy your honesty. My mother-in-law passed away almost 6 years ago and my husband went through a severe depression. You said it best when you said grief is messy. It is.
What you said yesterday I felt was complete honesty. I shared your post with my husband and he agreed. I have a daughter named Maddie, so I think your posts always hit home even more, because of our Maddie. You have made me even more thankful for my children and my husband.
As many parents know, you love that little person from the second you know you are pregnant. Your life is forever changed from the moment they are born. It doesn’t take years to establish a relationship with someone, it can happen in a moment.
My heart goes out to you and Mike as you move through this tremendously awful period of your lives. As you can see, you have the support of so many people.
Heather, I think about you and Maddie every single day. I have learned so much about love from you and Maddie. And, sadly, I have learned so much about grief. I find it painful to read your words sometimes, and then I feel terrible that I get to return to my world — my own little boys — while you have no escape from your pain. But I keep reading because you write so beautifully, and because you have this ability to take a mess of dark, painful feelings and articulate them in a way that makes your readers respond with “Yes, yes, that’s just how I imagine it would feel,” or “yes, I have been there, and that’s how it feels.”
That you can have such clarity in your grief is astonishing. I love your honesty, your truth, your beauty.
.-= J.´s last blog ..Boys on Vacation =-.
Write what you want to write about. If some think it’s not enough, or too much, let them find the little “x” in the corner window. *huggles and snuggles*
.-= Earth_Mommy´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.
Right on, Heather. And those of us that come here to share our support to you and your family way outweigh those few “haters”. Keep sharing. Much love…
.-= knoxvillepixie´s last blog ..Home, this must be the place… =-.
J from Ireland says:
Hi, I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your words. My heart breaks for you. You have the right to write whatever you want on your blog. I don’t always comment because I don’t know what to say. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your husband. Best wishes.
.-= J from Ireland´s last blog ..Irish Summer =-.
Cereal! I love cereal. I am hear to listen any time you want to share more about the cereal.
I think about you all the time, read you every day, never know what to say. Uh, and now I think I’ve descended into angsty-teen-poetry.
Bravo! Perfectly written. I cheer for you everyday.
Heather, I’m here and reading you every day. I stand by you although I often don’t know what to say. I try…but half the time I wonder if it came out the right way.
So today I’ll just say that I have about 7 extra boxes of cereal in my house. Yes, my husband can’t pass up a good deal or new cereal. Shall I send some your way?
Also, I’m going to try and think of a way to honor your Maddie every day. Whether it be lighting a purple candle for her, reciting my favorite poem that repeats the word purple in it, or buying purple plants and flowers, or even purple bows for my daughters hair. I just want you to know Maddie will never be forgotten by many of us.
Sending you hugs!
.-= Kathryn´s last blog ..Fun at the Baltic Sea =-.
I have never posted before, but I do read your blog religiously. I can’t even conceive what you must be going through, and my words can’t erase your pain. Therefore, I’ve remained silent.
Although I have nothing of use to offer you, you have shared with me so much. My best friend’s daughter passed recently, and your blog has helped us both. It has given her a voice and helped to validate her feelings. It has also given me insight to what she’s feeling/going through- and how I can best be there for her.
I know that it doesn’t mean much, but I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter.
Shannon Kieta says:
Your right Heather, they are NOT worth your time! But remember this my friend:
God didn’t promise days without pain-
laughter without sorrow, nor sun without rain
But he did he did promise strength for the
day, comfort for the tears and light for the
Amen and amen.
I can only wish I had “known” Maddie when she was still with you, but I am thrilled to get to know her through you know. I am, and always remain, so very, deeply sorry that you have to go through this. It SUCKS.
You are one of the most gracious and kind women I have ever “met.” Even in your grief I can see this through your words.
How pathetic that someone feels compelled to dump on you. I’m one of the any who read your blog every day and cry for you every day. I hope peace finds you.
.-= feefifoto´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Huh? =-.
The fact that you had to write this post is sad.
You are an AMAZING woman. Losing a child, regardless of age, is difficult and sad. You are grieving in your way and coping in your own time.
I’m just glad that I am here to listen.
Sending LOTS of virtual love and TEXAS sized hugs your way ALWAYS.
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..Happy Birthday to Heather… =-.
DesignHER Momma says:
sing it sister! Anyone who blogs, knows that the info you share is only a peek into our real lives.
you addressed this issue with class – to which I’m totally not surprised.
.-= DesignHER Momma´s last blog ..Halfway into my arms… =-.
Lee Cockrum says:
Great post!! I have followed for some time, led to your blog by Matt Logelin’s. I ache for your pain, and I am so sorry that other people can be so cruel and unthinking sometimes.
I’m with some of the others here. I read your blog faithfully. The pain you are able to express (I’m not going to assume that you can always express it fully), makes me cry. I can’t help it…that beautiful face, that precious laugh…how can she be gone? What kind of world is this, that she can go, but others, how have proven themselves SO less worthy of life…are still walking and talking and breathing.
And all I can come up with is that it’s just not fair.
But how lame, right? Ya, I know.
Like some others, I’m not sure which category I fall into, here. I don’t know you in RL, I only know what I’m reading. And I can only guess at the anguish you are experiencing. I look at my own family and while I have my own reasons for being extremely grateful for them, it doesn’t compare to what’s happened to you. Doesn’t make anything better for you. I can’t bring your baby girl back.
Oh, but I wish I could. I know I’m not alone, either.
Keep speaking, keep letting us hear you. Please.
.-= Melina´s last blog ..The one where I’m fighting… =-.
I read daily… or every time you post. I don’t comment most of the time because I don’t know what you’re going through. And I always feel like my “thinking of you” or some such words are not helpful. I do not know your pain first hand… I i do feel for you (both)… I can’t believe you have people coming to upset you. Know you’re in many people’s thoughts — you know those of us who read and don’t post but often think of you both.
Well said. With much more grace than I would’ve had.
I hate that you had to write this in the first place. You shouldn’t have to explain yourself. That being said I think you are truly amazing, you said what you needed to say with such grace and dignity.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Here’s to 19 Months of Successful Breastfeeding =-.
I just read some of yesterday’s comments so I can get some perspective on what happened. Ah, ugh and fhew (had to make sure It wasn’t me who stuck foot in mouth or something)
With that, the REST of us.. yes, the VAST MAJORITY.. will move on and applaud your writing and honesty and just so darn grateful of what you do choose to share of your life. Cereal, TV, mindless, empty trips outside the house, dirty clothes, etc… If the blog world and the medical professionals that you do consult could support you and [virtually] hug and love you, count me in. We want nothing in return. We’re not here for entertainment or leisure. We fully aware you’re telling a real family’s story- not fiction that is carelessly open to “editorial criticism.” You have our love, support, and endless readership for as long as you want to continue sharing. I hope that is for a long, long time. Someday you WILL actually have a good day in your life, I have great faith in that and I’m sure it seems absolutely incomprehensible to you. But, I want to be here to read about it. So I’m sticking with this for as long as you allow me to.
Just Shireen says:
I don’t comment much anymore because I’m just not sure what to say. But I read every day and every day I hope that you and Mike are able to heal a little and to get through this somehow.
.-= Just Shireen´s last blog ..I Don’t Know Much =-.
My heart breaks for you and Mike. Im right along with some of the other people .I dont know what to say, I can only let you know How sorry I am for your loss of Maddie. I miss her and I wish you werent having to go threw this bad loss.
My thoughts are with you,
I wouldn’t even pretend to know what you’re going through, but I pray for you often.
.-= Janelle´s last blog ..Two new molars =-.
Great Post….Heather seriously…..I’ve NEVER even imagined being in your place…but as I read post after post…I swear I see you doing it….going through that ridiculus “grieving process”….you’ve been in shock, bartered, now you are getting pissed…..it’s fine… it’s normal….it’s your heart we are talking about….
I will say this….to EVERYONE….I read a lot of the replys to one very cruel..hurtful…and unneccsary comment…I won’t say her name…
But seriously folks…..calling her the c word…may make you feel better at the time….but I just think the same sense of anger could have been treated in a more respectful way….if not for us…for Heather….I think the last thing she needs…is to see all this drama going on in her blog….
and Heather…..just do your thing…..do your thing…..
.-= lesley´s last blog ..Hittin the Big Time…. =-.
I am not a mother and am no where close to being one. I am just a 23 year old girl who has no clue what to do with the rest of her life.
I read your blog every day because you inspire me so much.
Keep sharing these fractions of your life and keep inspiring the rest of the world. We love you!
.-= Whitney´s last blog ..Free to be me =-.
My heart is always in my throat when I read your words about Maddie: I read b/c it’s the little bit I can do to help you.
What your going through is so earth shaking and enormous. I watch you, b/c I see Maddie watching you: she is, Heather.
Love you, and wish I could do so much more, other than cry for what has happened. I cannot even imagine what it is like to have had the past 2 months you’ve had…
amy vw says:
Keep on writing. Don’t worry about those who judge based on a few words.
No one who can understand where you are or how you feel unless they have walked in your shoes.
Thank you for continuing to share. You are loved.
Sorry I haven’t been here in a spell and missed the excitement.
I used to have “the cave” that I would crawl into (I spent the first 2-3 months there, completely antisocial, not even talking on the phone or the computer) occasionally when I needed to be away from people. That’s a completely normal feeling of grief, and please don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
The thing about blogging grief: you will find those people who, sadly, get exactly what you’re saying. You will find that some people who have not been through what you have, have exactly the right thing to say, and are not put off by coming here and being uncomfortable for a few minutes reading your honest grief. And then you will find there are those who cannot sit and be uncomfortable, and instead of just leaving, they have to comment. I think some of these people think they could do it better if they had to; I think some are just squeamish by feelings they think should take place behind closed doors (read: in therapy). It says a lot more about them than it does about you.
Thinking of you mightily. Please keep writing.
.-= tash´s last blog ..Reap What You Sow =-.
I hope you continue to share; to write about what you’re feeling. I have never felt the loss you are feeling, but your words ARE helping me; they ARE teaching me.
Thinking of you today; as I do everyday.
.-= Kellie´s last blog ..A Puddle with a Side of Giggles. =-.
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, but like many others, have never commented. I want to thank you for sharing all that you do. You and Mike are often in my thoughts.
I love you, lady.
that is all.
I couldn’t agree more….
You are always in my thoughts.
I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through but I’m out here and I’m thinking about you.
.-= Brandy´s last blog ..Not Just The Weight =-.
I cannot believe what some of the people who read your blog posted yesterday. I am speechless by their hurtful and insensitive words.
You handled it with class & dignity. Not only is your story and Maddie’s story inspiring, but you continue to inspire. I am so glad that they few bad apples did not affect you in a way that would make you want to stop blogging. Thank God for that and for you!
I know that there are not any words that I could write that will lessen your pain. I hope that God continues to give you strength and helps you to cope and be able to move forward. I think of you and Mike often. I will continue to pray for you as well.
Take good care.
.-= Tina´s last blog ..Answered Prayers =-.
After reading this, I am both saddened and angry. I rarely read other comments that are left, but this is making me think that some are leaving comments that do not need to be shared. You give us an open, honest, raw glimpse into your life that honestly, I am honored that you share. Not once do you ask us for our thoughts and opinions, which I actually admire, because you know your feelings are YOURS and yours alone. They do not have to be justified. So to think that others feel the need to give you theirs is just beyond words for me. Why do people feel the need to give their opinions when it wasn’t requested? I hate people sometimes.
I do not know you, but I cry with you and I mourn with you. You are a human being with an incredible amount of pain to deal with. Keep on writing and get your feelings out there. You ARE helping others out there that are going through the same thing. I applaud you for that and sharing with us.
~Hugs from TX
ali (adil320) says:
Perfectly said Heather.
.-= ali (adil320)´s last blog ..Panic! at home =-.
I told a friend that questioned one of my posts the other day wanting to know if it was for them that “ALL of my posts are for ME”
Keep doing what’s best for you!
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..Priceless =-.
Having your doctor read your blog is a stroke of genius. You are awesome.
I hope that you are able to heal in some way, whatever healing will mean for you. You’re in my thoughts.
.-= Emily´s last blog ..The bigger picture =-.
cindy w says:
Oh, how I hope that the anonymous “Ph.Ds” (snicker) from yesterday come back to read this.
You are awesome. Love you much.
.-= cindy w´s last blog ..inappropriate to laugh =-.
You are brave to share what so many don’t know about. You are brave to write and cry and mourn with the rest of us; many who have no right to read about your precious daughter because we simply did not know her. Through your writing, I gather insight and wisdom. Even if that’s not your goal.
Thinking of you and listening to you as always.
I read some of the freakiness that went down yesterday–I’m sorry you had to read all that crap.
You don’t have to explain or justify anything you write or do–just keep doing what works for you!!
As always, I continue of think of you and Mike every day!!
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Random! =-.
You are lovely, to post this with such grace. We are all here, just listening, nodding and loving on you.
.-= bessie.viola´s last blog ..life lessons =-.
Love you so much. But you already know that because I stalk you.
.-= maya´s last blog ..Hell no we wont go! =-.
Keep writing and ignore the rest. Your strength is inspiring and Maddie’s life is worth any of the details of your grief that you’re willing to share. It always makes me more aware of what life does hold, of what really is important.
Heather, I cannot imagine. I have a very close friend whose infant son is dying of a condition called spinal muscular atrophy. He is almost 10 months now, but won’t be with us for much longer. I am not trying to compare, I say that just to say that among the resources for parents whose children have died is this list I will post below. I hope it is some kind of help to you or to those around you.
A Bereaved Parent’s Wish List
Reprinted with permission, Compassionate Friends – Oakbrook, Illinois
I wish my child hadn’t died. I wish I had her back.
I wish you wouldn’t be afraid to speak my child’s name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that she was important to you also.
If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me. My child’s death is the cause of my tears.
You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
I wish you wouldn’t “kill” my child again by removing his pictures, artwork, or other remembrances from your home.
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.
I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but, I also want you to hear about me.
I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day.
I know you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child’s death pains you, too.
I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card, note, or a real big hug.
I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in a short period of time. I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over.
I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die. Grief is a life long process.
I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover.
I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.
I wish you wouldn’t expect me “not to think about it” or to “be happy”.
Neither will happen for a very long time, so don’t frustrate yourself.
I don’t want to have a “pity party”, but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I’m feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.
When I say “I’m doing okay”, I wish you could understand that I don’t “feel” okay and that I struggle daily.
I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I’m having are very normal.
Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected.
So please excuse me when I’m quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
Your advice to “take one day at a time” is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I’m doing good to handle an hour at a time.
Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.
I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.
I wish very much that you could understand understand my loss and grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT…I pray daily that you will never understand.
From the Compassionate Friends
stay classy, san diego.
i’d have thrown the comment mafia at them.
oh, wait. already happened & you didn’t have to sully your classy reputation.
your friends have your back & you have some great friends. i seriously don’t know if i’d have been able to hold back. it says a lot about you that you can.
.-= mommymae´s last blog ..treasures found =-.
Susan A says:
Each day I come here to see how you are doing, hoping it’s a better day than the last. You and Mike are loved and there is a whole world of people out there who have their arms tightly around you in a big bear hug. We’ve got your back!
I’ve not been blogging long (since late 2007) but I have seen some very, very cruel things written on people’s blogs (as comments). But, after reviewing yesterday’s comments, the one that sent everyone to your defense was, by far, the most cruel.
I am so very sorry someone out there is so cruel. They make me embarrassed to be human.
heather, even though i don’t know you, i’m here for you, every day. i will keep reading, keep listening and keep sending you love and hugs. and i will always, always think of maddie. xoxo
As someone who posted something well-intentioned yesterday that I now realize with deep regret was way off base, I just wanted to add that perhaps that “grief is messy” concept extends, in a way, to those of us who read and comment here. We want to say the “right” and helpful thing because we care. And sometimes we stumble and get it wrong. Because grief is messy and confusing. But with a few glaring exceptions, I think the vast majority of us really do mean well. We’re just sometimes, well…wrong. I know I was and I’m very sorry, especially if those comments in any way added to your pain, Heather.
You, Mike and Maddie remain in my thoughts.
Heather you are amazing. Thank you for teaching us all.
Keep on writing, we’ll keep listening. We are here for you. Stranger friends and all.
(((HUGS))) from Florida
I still get it Heather…and to them I say:
“If you think you can maneuver through this with more grace, courage or oomph than I, I will gladly let you wear my moccasins for a week. They are in the closet, just say the word and they’re yours. Gladly.”
How I would trade them, even for an hour. So far, I have gotten NO takers.
.-= won´s last blog ..Follow up on the dog, the cop and the cookies =-.
Keri Ann says:
You’re right grief is MESSY~very messy.
But you are handling it the best you know how to…and who are any of us to say any different.
I’ve never commented on here before but I read your posts everyday~and I cry with you almost everyday.
Love and hugs,
I don’t think I have commented on here before but I do read your blog everyday. And I everyday I cry with/for you.
I think your post yesterday was so honest and so brave. So many people try to censor themselves because society has made it so hard to voice what everyone is thinking. I cannot imagine what you are going through and I am sure I would have the same thoughts that you had yesterday. I would only hope that I would be brave enough to voice them because I believe it is much more healthy to get them out than keep them in.
Your daughter was a beautiful person inside and out, I am very sorry for your loss.
Tricia (irishsamom) says:
You are one amazing person Heather. I know for a fact, that you have helped the friend who lost her baby girl (the one I talked about in my last comment). I sent her to your blog and she says she wishes that she’d been able to express it all like you do – her situation was a carbon copy of what you write about and it is so healing for her to have someone else validate it. We all love you so much and that’s all that matters here. I admire your courage in a time of unspeakable grief. It speaks of the person that you are and I for one, would love to know you (in person). Sending hope, hugs, love and support to you today,
.-= Tricia (irishsamom)´s last blog ..Taking the Road Less Travelled =-.
I am a faithful reader that has never commented on your posts. I admire your courage although sometimes you may not feel courageous. You are right, it is not up to the people who know you through writing the few words a day, to decide who you are and how you should do things. but thank you for sharing what you do. i don’t think anyone expects it to be the “full” deal. truly hoping that you are well….
Right on. This is a place for you to share what you wish or not wish. Blogs are open (mostly) to the public but are truly written, in my opinion, for the author. They are theraputic and sometimes funny. I am thinking of you and your family daily and pray that eventually, you can find some peace in the horrible greif you feel. I can’t imagine what you are going though and thank you for sharing this experience with us. As hard as it might be, you are helping others.
.-= Emily´s last blog ..Coincidence…maybe but I don’t think so…. =-.
Amber Mc says:
Keep writing. We’ll keep listening.
.-= Amber Mc´s last blog ..My 9 Month Old… =-.
You are a wonderful, awesome, caring, funny, beautiful person.
I would bring my cereal and veg in front of the tv with you if I could.
Holding your hand from far away . . .
Trolls are just evidence that your blog is popular and read by lots of people that will then give the troll attention. Consider the bitchy comments a blue ribbon first prize! They might as well say – Congratulations, you are a loved blogger!
Do what you do to get by, and I’ll do what I do – read, pray, and beam love straight to you both through this computer screen.
.-= Gillian´s last blog ..The Difference of a Decade =-.
I have never commented but have read since right around the time your world came crashing down. Maddie is absolutely beautiful. Honestly, I think she is one of the most beautiful babies I’ve ever seen and I have two of my own. Still, there is something so intriging about her sweet little face.
I would never pretend to understand how you feel nor can I offer any words that would come close to ‘helping’. I have a son with a chronic medical condition and I have felt the loss of the ‘healthy child’, which I must admit, has in the past felt like a sort of death in my mind of how this whole ‘having a baby’ thing was supposed to be. But, you, Heather, have put me back in a place where I know to appreciate what cards have been dealt to me. I’m pretty sure that I have almost wished that people around me had a child with a medical problem just so I could feel a little less alone. When you said “No one would be safe”…those words make me hurt for you. And they are the most brutally honest words I have ever read on a blog. I am SURE that if we are all being honest, we would feel the same way.
Anyway, enough rambling from someone who is not trying to hurt you and scared as hell that something I say might do that…I am amazed at you and I am amazed at your honesty about your life. You are an amazing person and I can only hope to be half as wonderful as a mother as you are.
Praying for you daily!
“For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future”.
(Even though this may not mean much right now…It’s all I could think of and it has comforted me many times after some storms of life)
I do think you’re awesome!!
To semi-quote MIA:
Noone has swagger like you, Heather. You have made Maddie proud. That’s what MAKES you a good mama.
Thank you for not being discouraged and continuing to write. Although we can never heal the cracks in your heart, I hope our support carries you through this long painful process that you are handling the purest honesty and grace.
.-= melissa´s last blog ..bostonmama79: @Sweet_Life They might….or check amazon. =-.
I meant to say “with the purest honesty & grace”
.-= melissa´s last blog ..bostonmama79: @Sweet_Life They might….or check amazon. =-.
You have so much class girl!! No one should judge you!! Grief is messy and it is so unfair that you and Mike are going through this! Keep writing, even if it is not every detail. You have helped so many. Just yesterday, I talked about you and the little Maddie handprints that were on the glass at your parient’s house(I believe). I talk about you guys like you are my real life friends…you guys are always on my mind. Never for one moment would I take my little dirty handprints for granted. Hugs from Iowa.
Jayme Q. says:
Amen, Heather. I’m sorry if you’re having problems with people… Just remember that there are a TON of readers who truly care about you. Stay strong, and hang in there, and we will all be here if you need us.
The Bossy Yankee says:
I rarely ever comment but I do read. I don’t comment because I am not always sure what to say. I take in what you are saying and never judge. There is no place for judgement of others.
I wish you and MIke the best. I hope that you are able to use all the resourses available. I hope that everyday that there is one small glimmer of something good in your lives, because the sadness is there all the time, but one smile, one second of peace is always nice to have.
I am always amazed that people feel the blog is the person. It is just a glimpse. I only post about 1/10th of my life on my blog. There is so much more that remains private and personal as it should. Out of respect for my self and the people I know.
.-= The Bossy Yankee´s last blog ..Family Beach 2009 =-.
I’ve never commented before because I just can’t find the words.
You conduct yourself with such grace, even when showing us all how messy grief truly is and you’re incredibly brave for sharing with us as much as you do. Thank you for letting us know beautiful little Maddie.
My thoughts are with you and your family.
Much love from yet another stranger on the internets.
I’ve never had the guts to comment before, but I just want you to know that I’m here reading. I really don’t know what else to say. Sorry just doesn’t seem like a big enough word. I’m keeping you (& Mike) in my thoughts and prayers, always. Keep writing, I’ll definitely keep listening.
I hate that there are people who think they know you just because they read your outlet. but what they don’t realize, it this is just that. AN OUTLET for when things get messy yin your head. When things start to feel crazy. And it’s ok. I love you with all that I am, and I’m never leaving. you’ll still text and hopefully soon you’ll tell me to call. I’m still waiting for you to make the first move on that one because I know talking on the phone isn’t fun for you. But I’m right here with my phone ready to listen to words, to screams, to tears, anything
.-= Brittany´s last blog ..Guest post =-.
Nice work, love. Nice work.
.-= AMomTwoBoys´s last blog ..Surgery Success =-.
Danielle B says:
Because of you and the words you write, I think more about when I bitch about my life. I listen to the way you grieve from day to day and can’t even begin to imagine how you feel. I can only tell you that I will always have a huge place in my heart for you and your family and am so glad that you have alowed us to hear your story. This is your blog and you are heard. Thank you!
.-= Danielle B´s last blog ..Not your average "pick a color" kinda place =-.
Some people’s sole purpose in life is to spread misery– such as the troll that commented yesterday.
I have never had the pleasure of meeting you and Mike… but I have nothing but love and respect for both of you.
.-= Nickie´s last blog ..The one who is pond scum… =-.
Also? Does this mean that you’re not filling out the “Daily Feelings and Goings On” journal and also the “Daily Food Intake Diary” that I gave you? Dammit. I was really looking forward to looking through those.
I was going to post excerpts on MY blog.
.-= AMomTwoBoys´s last blog ..Surgery Success =-.
I have never commented before, I suck at writing, I am a talker. I only started to read your blog 2 to 3 weeks before Maddie’s passing. I enjoy hearing every story about her. My heart aches for you when you talk about your grief. My point I guess is, keep writing, keep telling me all about Maddie and what I imagine is hell on earth without her because I’m just getting to know you, Mike and the little girl who you love so very much.
Erin B. says:
Heather, I’m so sorry for what happened yesterday. Please know that as long as you keep writing, I will be here. How I adore hearing about your Maddie.
Thinking of you and sending you much love.
Your blog helps me to remember to live each day like it could be the last with my loved ones. Please don’t ever stop writing. I pray for you every day. You help more people then you could ever know. xoxoxoxoxoxo
Obviously, you are drawn to writing your way through this. I believe in the power of words. I think your blog is a magical thing and so keep writing and ignore any negativity you receive. For the people who would say something negative, they’re wrong. Keep going. Sometimes we change the world even when we can barely get dressed or breathe.
It sounds like you have come under fire for something you said on your blog, I am sorry you are having to deal with that. Your blog is YOUR blog for a reason, if people don’t like it, there’s a little “X” at the top of the screen for a reason. I guarantee anyone who wants to critisize you has never been through what you have been through and never felt what you have felt. Keep being 100% honest about your feelings and tell what you feel like telling. You will always have online blog buddies that love and support you.
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Fun With Photoshop =-.
I am sorry if someone has hurt you…..you have enough pain to deal with right now without some inconsiderate person posting something ugly on YOUR blog. hugs and prayers to you….always
.-= Nina´s last blog ..Monday…. =-.
I think this was long overdue. Every blog I read seems to have some drama…some reader who just can’t keep his/her damn mouth shut.
But for those of us whom you’ve touched…those of us who want nothing more than to bring your Maddie back…thank you. At first the grief seemed so raw, so real. But then again, some of us had already been reading Matt Logelin, so suddenly the grief made sense. What a world we live in where feelings like that can finally be shared out in the open, for anyone and everyone to see. I never imagined grief of losing a child or spouse was easy or neat or simple…but you make it real. And my heart breaks for you every day. I do hope and pray that you will find some peace soon, while I realize that the pain never really goes away or gets “peaceful”…it just changes over time.
Thank you for being real…it’s not easy to read, but sometimes real life just isn’t easy. My heart & thoughts are with you and Mike, and your little Angel, Maddie.
I read your blog every single day. It’s actually the first thing I do each morning after I turn on my computer and open up the internet. For some reason I am drawn to your words and the beautiful pictures/videos of Maddie. Thank you for sharing your story. I can’t think of anything to say that will make you feel better. All I can say is that you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers. I can’t imagine why anyone would say anything negative towards you or your family but unfortunately there are those kind of people out there. Thank you so much for sharing this part of your life with us! I hope you have a good (well as good as it can be) rest of the week
.-= Andrea´s last blog ..End of an Era =-.
I didn’t read the comments yesterday (I read the post though, I always do). So I can guess from this post and these comments that I probably don’t want to.
I know I don’t know anything about this situation. What I know could fill a thimble but it fills my heart. I’ll stand right by you and Mike on teh internets. I’ll always, always remember Madeline. And that’s that.
.-= Alison´s last blog ..In Honor of Finals Week… =-.
I’ll stand by you in “real life” too, but you knew that.
.-= Alison´s last blog ..In Honor of Finals Week… =-.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with other people’s judgment and condescension. That’s not something anyone ever needs, but certainly not you, and certainly not now.
Thank you for continuing to share—whatever you want, whenever you want, how much you want. This is an act of selflessness and vulnerability in a time when you have every excuse to keep to yourself.
You are a very courageous woman to share your grief with your readers. I have never lost a child, but I have lost both parents and a nephew who was very close to me. I know what that did to me emotionally and I can only imagine what you and your husband are going through. Please ignore the jerks who think they know best. They don’t. Continue to do what you need to do so you and Mike can heal. Or at least get a scab on the wound. It will happen, just not over night.
Perfect. This should be a space of love and support. Thanks for continuing to share your life.
Oh man. Are you catching some horrible flack, too? Seriously, I don’t know what gets into people when they sit down behind a computer screen. I have a blog, too, and mine is certainly not popular, but I feel 100% justified in not sharing every experience and am quite selective in what I write. For me, I allude to the various and sundry mental illnesses I experience, but can’t and won’t let them subsume my blog.
This is your space. Your life. Your expression. You do what you damn well see fit to do. Naysayers are just irritations to be ignored.
.-= Stephanie´s last blog ..Benjamin at the beach. =-.
Very well said! I come here everyday to see how you are doing and I haven’t even met you! But I am learning from you even though my life was not directly effected! Thank you for writing when I can’t imagine it’s easy! I don’t give advise because I’ve never been through this and can’t begin to imagine what you’ve been through, but I can offer my prayers and hope that you are blessed in your time of grief. God Bless.
Courtney in New York
.-= Courtney´s last blog ..Not Really a Movie Review =-.
Your writing has had a profound impact on me. I was not able to have children. I grieve that some days, but that grief will never compare to losing what you and so many others have lost. More importantly you have given me insight into what my dear friend is going through. She has also recently lost her only child. Until I started reading you every day I couldn’t even begin to imagine what she was going through. I will never know enough, but the fraction you have shown me gives me some understanding. Because of this I believe I can be a better friend/listener/care giver.
And to the rest of you who are even thinking about judging? Shoo! Go away! You have no right.
Oh Heather, I am amazed at how you are able to put things into words perfectly! For one thing, I hope NONE of the comments I have ever made have seemed judgemental, I would never ever want that! And for anyone that has been giving you shit, they are asses who should lay off of you! I want you to know that I think of you every day. I am always hoping that you are able to find a little ray of sunshine in each day, as impossible as I am sure it is! You recently started following me back on Twitter, and I have to say it filled my heart with joy as I just want to reach out to you and give you a hug, even just a virtual one! Hope you saw the twitpik I posted yesterday of something I saw that made me think of Maddie, even though I was already thinking of her! Sending all of my love and support your way!
.-= Patty´s last blog ..Sunny days! =-.
Adventures In Babywearing says:
I treasure what you’ve chosen to share and most of us know that altho we can be so open via blogs and twitter, there is like 95% more to our lives and more to your grief. What you have shared and how you reveal your broken heart has touched my life (I feel guilty of this sometimes- as we should be giving to YOU, not the other way around) but you and Maddie are on my mind every day as I look at life with such a different perspective… I don’t know the right words to say here but anyway. I was appalled that anyone could come to this space and be anything but encouraging and loving and thankful for who you are.
.-= Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..For Lynda =-.
meh. those people aren’t worth your time or energy.
keep writing darling. those people and others may someday realize that we all need your words more than you will ever know. someone out here will find comfort in them when they need it the most.
and in case you were wondering … i have managed to consume 3 peanut butter and chocolate cookies today.
.-= jen´s last blog ..home. =-.
I feel very privileged you choose to share your life and feelings with us. It can’t be an easy thing, although, I do hope it offers some sort of “relief” for you to share. Your website is the first one I log onto every morning….I think of you, Mike and darling Maddie so often and am always wanting the update about you.
I just don’t get the audacity of some people coming to your blog to criticize you in any way. It’s your blog…if they don’t want to read it….don’t….I’m sure you will not be offended or frankly give a rip!
You are supported by so many! I just wish we were able to make things better, truly better.
Obviously we have never met but if I would ever have the chance…..just like reading your blog….I’d feel privileged. Your insight and willingness to share are absolutely amazing!
Love to you and Mike!
Michelle, Herculaneum, MO
Heather and Mike,
Your blog, your words. To be honest, I would just blow off those who think they know you. Each person has their own way to deal with grief. You have yours, I have mine and everyone is different.
Please know that some of us are reading, even if not commenting, just to be there for you and Mike.
.-= Spacemom´s last blog ..Happy Birthday Luna! =-.
Chris in NY says:
I just read through some of yesterday’s nonsense with my mouth agape. Most likely, what you’re going through is completely and perfectly normal and there’s not a pill or a doctor in the world who can make this any easier. When I read your posts, do I think, “Hmm…maybe she’s depressed?” OF COURSE! But guess what, if I lost my only little baby girl, I’m not sure I could drag myself out of bed every day from the sheer depression and sorrow. Not every person needs to see a professional and pop a pill to deal with it. The anger, depression, and sorrow need to run their course.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your life with us…..however much of it you choose to share. My thoughts are with you every single day. And if you need a break from this blogging thing, I’ll be here when you return.
Very well said. And I can’t imagine what happened to inspire you to write this post, but shame on anyone that is making assumptions about you!
.-= Ari´s last blog ..Job search frustration and monthly mosaic =-.
Karen Sugarpants says:
You are absolutely right. I love that you wrote this post. People need to be told this over and over. That blogs are snippets of our lives. I recently wrote about compassion and mentioned this exact thing. My heart goes out to you and Mike and I think about you every single day. *hugs*
.-= Karen Sugarpants´s last blog ..Compassion =-.
Heather, as I read your honesty of your words and emotions, my heart goes out to you. I am old enough to be your mother but you teach me something every day.
I am so relieved that you have found an outlet for (part of) your grief. Maddie’s story has touched more people than you could ever imagine.
It is my wish that the world is gentle with you as you work your way through these days.
My blog post today was written with you in my thoughts.
.-= Colleen´s last blog ..Everyone Has a Story =-.
Carrie M. says:
I love your blog, and appreciate your honesty and candor. I dont know you or your family personally, but you are always in my prayers.
Carrie (Oconomowoc, Wi)
I am not sure to whom or what you are referring in this post, but as a faithful reader and very occasional commenter (I find that I just don’t know what I could possibly say to you at times to offer any measure of comfort) … I would like to say that I am always astounded at the grace and honesty which you express in each and every one of your posts. I think you are one of the most compelling and truthful journalists I have ever read.
I wish for you both peace in the knowledge that you had the gift of such a shining star in your lives, albeit for only a moment in time, and that you were such remarkable parents to her … please never be intimidated or bowed by anyone who does not understand and support your love and grief.
Chrisie Ward says:
I don’t know you Heather, but I love you anyway. My heart was too broken after reading yesterdays post to read the comments and now, I’m glad I didnt. They aren’t worth your time. There are so many that love you.
Hugs to you and Mike.
This is my first time that Im going to coment I’m always a reader! and only going to say that I wish the best for you everyday, and I would like to hug you both, You are awesome.
Mary from Jacksonville FL
tonya cinnamon says:
Sometimes survival is forced up on us as a thought when all the dark thoughts keep trying to burn down our mind.
hugs to you all
sometimes i honestly don’t know what to say, i just read and send virtual hugs.
.-= tonya cinnamon´s last blog ..119th day.. =-.
I think it’s very brave of you to put your thoughts and words out there for all of us to read. Someone would be an idiot to believe that they know you just based on what you write on this blog. It is very commendable that you would allow us all to go through this journey with you, even in some small way. We are all here for you and wish you nothing but the best.
Mrs. Wilson says:
I’ve been reading your blog only for a short time – actually since only about a week before you lost Maddie. Casey kept twittering about how wonderful you are that I just couldn’t NOT read your blog.
I’m glad that you have supportive friends/family/doctors who are helping you through this time. I rarely comment because I just don’t know what to say and fear that my words will be more of a hindrance than a comfort.
I know that most all of your readers (some people are just impossible, no matter what blog they’re reading) love you and love reading the things you do share, a little window into your life and your grief so that they can pray and think of you. And maybe so that they can help another friend who, heaven forbid, is going through the same thing.
.-= Mrs. Wilson´s last blog ..The one where Michael Jackson steals Farrah Fawcett’s thunder (and other stories) =-.
I have to say that your posts, especially the last couple of posts, have been so crushingly honest that I get all teary-eyed after reading them. It brings me back to the days when I felt like you; some days I still do. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please know that you are not alone, even though I know you feel that way right now. Losing a child is THE worst possible thing that can happen to any parent. Please keep doing what you are doing. Many hugs and much love to you and Mike.
I don’t comment because there aren’t words adequate, you don’t know me, nor do I know you more than your 350 words 5 days a week.
But, I do know that Maddie IS precious, and is such a blessing to the world.
I also know that I wish there was something I could do to take your pain/anguish/misery all away, but I can’t.
Thanks for sharing all that you do, with class, dignity, and grace. You’re an amazing woman.
I pray that you are surrounded by people IRL that are able to support and sustain you emotionally, physically, etc through all of this.
I know there’s a huge group of Spohr supporters floating around on the internets. They love, care, and support you. I’m one of them. I hope you can see all of us through the ugliness the internet brings too.
.-= Erika´s last blog ..It’s 10:00 PM… =-.
Mommy Cracked says:
You’re right…grief IS messy and that you would let us in to share in this is incredible. Thank you for being so open.
.-= Mommy Cracked´s last blog ..Now I See Why People Get Addicted To Albuterol =-.
It mad me sad when reading your post to know that people are assuming they know all by reading your posts. I don’t usually comment but do read faithfully. While I can never know your pain, I lost a daughter when her biological parents were given back custody. That was almost 8 years ago. Not a day goes by that I don’t wonder how she is or what she’s doing. Will she remember that for the first few years of her life I was her Mommy? I’ll never know. I do know that writing (in my journal) helped me immensely during the first few years. Your writing shows courage and love beyond belief…it helps me heal too. I have experienced similar thoughts…just on Breanna being gone from my life. I hope this make sense. I just wanted to thank you. You help me and I hope your writing helps you. Many hugs and wishes for peace.
I think you should turn off comments. You don’t need nastiness while you bare your soul. You should be able to post what you wish, without judgement. Nobody is living YOUR life, but you…and you are writing for multiple purposes. You don’t deserve to have it judged or undermined. Keep your blog public but turn off comments would be my vote.
I have been reading you since the day Maddie passed. I always leave comments and sometimes they are very long ones. I hope I haven’t said anything to upset you during my visits. I have nothing but respect and concern for you. I know that your journey is hard and I know that through your pain others are being comforted by you during their journey. It’s sad all the way around but this is how you move forward and each in their own way and time.
I pray for you and Mike.
.-= Debby´s last blog ..COULD NOT WAIT =-.
My heart goes out to all of the grieving parents who come here. We wish you peace and strength.
Heather, it seems that in telling your story, you offer support to so many. I hope the good that you do comes back to you a thousand-fold.
I really believe you do Madeline proud.
Heather, I sometimes wish I did know you IRL so I could offer something more than words on your pages and thoughts and prayers. Thank you for feeling that you can share what you do with friends and strangers. It sucks that there are some who get kicks from being haters…on anything but especially on someone who is grieving and likely in tremendous pain emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I hope that the things that are written help in some small way. I will keep lifting you guys up, for whatever that’s worth. Big hugs.
All that matters is how writing makes you feel. If it doesn’t make you feel worse (impossible, I imagine), keep doing it. Screw everyone else.
.-= Alicia´s last blog ..wordless wednesday: my four loves, sixish weeks =-.
I’ve been following your story for about half a year now, mostly by chance, and want you to know that what you write matters not only to you but to the rest of us – grieving parents or not.
My husband and I lost our first two babies, one at 26 weeks and one at 20 before a perinatologist made an “educated” guess as to what my issue was. yep, it’s my issue and the burden I get to carry with me daily.
We now have a happy 14 month-old and no matter how healthy she is, the fear of losing her runs deep.
There aren’t enough people strong enough to write about their struggles, their grief, their anger, and their hurt over losing a child, so I thank you for being our voice and telling it like it is.
Take care of yourself and eat some cereal.
Thank you again.
I don’t know what happened, but there are villages of idiots roaming around with unleashed opinions so I’m not surprised. (sadly) I don’t know you, Never met Miss Maddie Sunshine, but I read your blog every day. I’m a better Mom because of you and because of Maddie. And whether you keep on blogging or not, I will never ever forget your Maddie. She has changed me for the better. *Hugs*
As a mother who has lost not one, not two, but three children, (in addition to miscarriages and countless IVF cycles) I feel and have felt the way you are feeling. The feelings are YOUR feelings and are not subject to examination or scrutiny by anyone, especially us. I remember getting so mad one day that I threw my wallet and made a hole in the wall and lost my driver’s license. I looked for it for days. Then I found it in a pile junk clear across the room. But I released some built up anger when I threw that thing. It is normal to get mad. You have to work through this, not us. So feel and do anything you want. I am so happy you stand up for what you believe and how you feel. I love reading your posts and watching videos of Maddie. Every time my 1 year old comes over to the laptop she says “Madd EEEE” because I always show her the videos of Maddie. Take care and keep your head up girl.
A Joyful Chaos says:
I come here to visit often but have never left a comment, I was just one that was silently crying for you from a distance.
I stand and applaud you Heather! Literally, my just daughter looked at me like I was crazy. Thank you for continuing to share with us!
.-= Theresa´s last blog ..Ellie helping her Great Grandma… =-.
Anyone who dumps on a grieving mother deserves unspeakable wrath, which it seems they are getting from all around the world today through this blog. You’re right Heather – grief is messy. The fact that you are still functioning is to be applauded . Please know that we love the shit out of you and just want you to get through this the only way you know how. Keep writing, keep breathing, grieving … we’re here for you.
Kristen McD says:
Some of us read and remember this is none of our damn business… but we’re reading and praying and wishing there was more we could do anyway.
Your grace and strength continue to amaze me…thanks for sharing whatever pieces of yourself you are comfortable sharing. It really IS about you and your husband right now and the healing that you need to do….if we gain from it, all the better. Wonderful post.
I don’t read the comments typically, I stopped after reading Matt’s blog. Most people were nice but there are a few…that fall far from the tree of normal. Then I read Shana’s blog after all the hoopla….and her comments.
I liken it to high school. The drama, the gossip, the opinions.
It’s worth sharing what you have to share for the kindness. Keep walking away from the others. It’s what I did to survive high school. There are no rules for your grief or whatever emotion you are experiencing at the time. But keep writing and sharing and surviving.
I applaud your honesty, your blog and your willingness to share what details you do share in its raw form. You seem like a wonderful person and I cannot imagine anyone feeling any different. Grief IS messy. There is nothing set in stone or carved in certainty about how to deal with it and I applaud your strength. I could not imagine it from your perspective. Just wanted to let you know that I appreciate every word that you share and wish you nothing but the best in such a dark time. SINCERELY!
always reading…always thinking of you both…and glad you are so connected and feel secure with your treating Dr.s!! Can’t wait to see you on the 11th @the din din….xoxoxo
It’s not what you blog or how much information you share – it’s that you post at all that amazes and inspires me. You are sharing your raw emotions, you are touching more people than you’ll ever know.
I’ve cried reading what you’ve written – some of it haunts me, but all of it touches me deeply! I don’t know you (I know one of your online buds). But you affect me,
you inspire me, you amaze me, and you remind me daily, that life is a gift! What an amazing legacy you are for Maddie!
Hugs from a ‘stranger’ who knows this is none of her damn business, but appreciates that you share what you do!
.-= VinegarMartini´s last blog ..Tributes =-.
Mary @ Holy Mackerel says:
I’m not sure what some people have been saying to you, but you are so right to ignore them.
There are so many people in this world who think they know. And, of course, they don’t.
Although I’ve lost both my parents recently, I have not lost a child, let alone my only child. And even if I had, I could not pretend to know what you are going through. We are all unique, and go through our grief in unique ways.
My mother-in-law is one of those people who thinks she just knows, and if you don’t react according to her thoughts, you are just wrong. I don’t have time for people like that.
Please keep writing. I feel your pain, and I know you are helping many many people, regardless of what some must be saying to you.
Take care of yourself.
.-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..Mutant Fly Invasion Of Epic Proportion, Or, Pass The Vodka Now =-.
I’m glad to know that you’re eating. I hope you’re also remembering to change your underwear and socks, and all that jazz … the countless things you do in a day that don’t ever get written down, because why on earth would you?
I’m sorry there are people who have shown up to judge. I’m sorry there are unsupportive folks here. I desperately hope that I have never done that to you, and that I never will. And I hope those people stop being so very unhelpful.
This is your outlet. I’ve said it before, and I’m sure I’ll say it again … you write what you need, when you need to. We’re here to support you. And we love you … even those of us like me who aren’t fortunate enough to know you IRL love you.
I hope you have a better day, with nothing but nice, supportive commenters on your site.
.-= Trish´s last blog ..Cat toys are not suitable presents for your 4-year old son =-.
Kelly D says:
I found your blog from Matt Logelin’s blog. I cry for you and with you every post you write. Having a 14 month old little girl I couldn’t imagine what you are going through. I don’t think I would make it. I pray for you and Mike and hope that the grief gets a little easier.
MG @ MommyGeekology.com says:
I just wanted to say that you’re amazing.
.-= MG @ MommyGeekology.com´s last blog ..Hack =-.
Thank you for sharing your extraordinary writing and your extraordinary daughter. It really is a privilege to be one of your readers.
.-= Una´s last blog ..Expanding My Audience =-.
Your awesome! I don’t know how I would have handled some of the really ignorant things some have commented here. You handle them with such class & grace.(And boy do you have some “bouncers” here who will handle the trolls!! I LOVE that!!! They came to your defense like lions!) I lost my daughter before her birth, that was hard, but that’s nothing compared to what you are going through. Some people suck! Please know that many here love you dearly and are praying for you relentlessly! I think of your Maddy quite often and it breaks my heart she is not here. Your writings do help others, I can promise you that.
RAWK ON MAMASPOHR!!!!!!
Even in grief you bring Teh Awesome. And Teh Ass Kicking.
Which reminds me…we need to call the Sheraton. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
I love you beesh.
.-= VDog´s last blog ..Shameless Asking For Your Business Card Business =-.
Lynn @ Walking With Scissors says:
Every time I visit your site, I feel a tightness in my chest. This is just my reaction to your grief. I can’t imagine the real thing. Even though I don’t know you personally, I am always thinking of you. (((hugs)))
.-= Lynn @ Walking With Scissors´s last blog ..Proof that I come by my insanity honestly =-.
i think you’re fantastic. i love your blog and your memories of maddie, and wouldn’t presume to know anyone but myself… heck, i’m not even sure how well i know my husband sometimes
.-= MommyNamedApril´s last blog ..My Silly Boys. =-.
Mrs. Flinger says:
Fucking AWESOME. Just like you.
.-= Mrs. Flinger´s last blog ..Ambition =-.
I don’t know you. We’ve never met. You’ve captured my attention and my heart with your honesty and your ability to eloquently share the hell you’re living. Thank you for sharing. thank you for your honesty. To hell with the people who care to criticize.
My dear sweet great aunt had a saying “Don’t let the bastards get you down!” And you won’t – like you said, they aren’t worth your time. There are so many people, like me, who read your words every day and care about a stranger and her family and their struggle.
You are the only one who can decide what’s right and best for you. If anyone begs to differ? Screw ’em.
I try not to read others responses to you as it feels like I’m invading your privacy.So, I must say, I was taken back by your entry today. How could anyone JUDGE or make unkind statements towards you? I don’t understand! I’m so sorry!!
I guess in my naivety, I figured everyone feels the same way about you as I do! Heather, I think you are creative, smart, brilliant, honest and most of all BRAVE!!! I have often thought about starting my own blog in hopes of gaining support while dealing with my illness and to simply meet new friends. However, I question if I am strong enough to be able to handle the criticism & judgements of others that go along with owning a Blog.
I want you to know how honoured I am you allow me to be apart of your blog, Your entries are so honest, so raw at times, they are hard to read but that is only because, I so wish I could do more to help you!! I wish I could take the burden of the depth of your sorrow from you. I wish I could walk up to heaven, scoop up Maddie in my arms and bring her down to you. It hurts that I can’t.
I admire your honesty. I admire how brave you are and I am in awe of your integrity. You’re right…grief is a terrible mess and it hurts and it’s so consuming, so unfair and so exhausting. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is what it is.
I do hope some of the comments do help you. I was happy to read you know so many of us here are here out of friendship, and love – it’s true, we are. We have all fallen in love with Maddie and we all care so deeply for you and Mike. You should be proud of yourself Heather! Because of you and your truth, you are helping other mom’s at the same time you’re helping yourself! I’m proud of you!!
Please continue to write. I promise, as long you do and as long as you need support and friendship, I.. like so many of us here, will be right there “beside” you to comfort you, to support you, and to celebrate Maddie’s life with you Always!!!!
Thinking of you always.
You know I love you and I’ll cut a bitch who fucks with you. You know how to be true to yourself and I love you for it.
.-= Becky´s last blog ..Like Being Pecked To Death By A Flock Of Chickens =-.
Everyone needs a friend like you!! Glad Heather does…
I agree. I want Becky on my side!
I am horrified that anyone would comment they way they did. I thought I’ve seen depravity on the internet, but that behavior takes the crown.
I don’t comment often – barely at all – but I read daily. Please know that you are helping a lot of people…not only other grieving parents, but helping others understand a bit and know what not to say, or what to say, or what they can do to help those in their own personal life going through a similar hell.
Your writing is eloquent and moving, each and every post.
.-= Katie´s last blog ..Another kind of helmet. =-.
I started reading your blog prob. a week after beautiful Maddie passed. Cried my eyes out week after week for you and your husband- and Maddie of course (I read Mike’s blog too). You two are amazing- though you don’t feel that way now and you have made me a better parent to my 2 young boys (15months and 3.75years).
Yesterday’s post was amazingly raw, real and it did scare me a bit. But you are 100% correct in that nobody would want to trade places with you in what you are going through. I have a dear friend whose 2year old has a rare, rare genetic disorder that leaves her 100% sound intelligently but will destroy her body in about 5-10 years time. When they finally found out what the diagnosis was-I had a hard time even being near her because I knew how much I loved my babies and I couldn’t for the life of me understand how she could even get out of bed in the morning. I was absolutely heartbroken for her and still am and I did selfishly think to myself thank god it’s not us….it made me feel incredibly guilty and still does to this day.
I get mad. I’m mad for you. Anyone with half a brain would realize what we are seeing in your blog is a journal- a stamp in time- what you are feeling right at that minute. To judge you on that minute in time is ridculous. You’re honest. The writing will help. Don’t censor yourself–you are a great help to anyone who is going through the grieving process– or who will in the future for that matter.
You have a right to be as angry as you want to be.
Heather – You dont know me.. but I have been reading for awhile and commenting once in awhile. Thank you for sharing madeline, your story and your thoughts – – You are brave (whether you might think so or not) and I admire your strength. I say a prayer for you, Mike, and Madeline every day.
Take Care, Keri
I was telling my mom about you and your story yesterday, and when I told her about how you said, “nobody would be safe, not even those I love” (paraphrasing) I cried. You have made your grief so tangible by being so honest, that I felt a piece of it them, a tiny, tiny, tiny fraction of it. And maybe that is what will happen, that you will keep blogging and letting little pieces go, and that writing will help you heal. I hope that it does, and I hope that you keep being honest and real and true to to your grief. I am rooting for you and Mike.
.-= Lindsey´s last blog ..Summer List =-.
You are graceful and Maddie is beautiful. I think about you and your husband every day and wish you both comfort.
I”m sorry you even had to post that! We are here for you wherever you are in your grief. I”m so unbeleivably sorry for you and your husband’s great loss. I check in on you every day!
Heather, I have been reading for a little while..was directed here from Matt’s blog. I have been silently following you through this tragedy, always with tears in my eyes and a heaviness in my heart. Your Maddie was and is so beautiful and I just want you to know that a stranger from MN is lifting you and your husband up in prayer and thoughts as you walk this terrible, terrible road.
Deidre Mooney says:
I am amazed by you. Don’t give up. What you are sharing with the world is way too important. Words like “feel her toes wiggle with her dreams” breaks my heart and makes me remember to feel my twin’s little toes everytime we snuggle and not let the moment pass me by. From the bottom of my heart..thank you for sharing…I wish you peace….Deidre
.-= Deidre Mooney´s last blog ..It’s Official! =-.
Leita Reyna says:
Well said Heather. And I thank you for your willingness to share your feelings so openly. I know you help many people with your writings. Sending my love, Leita
.-= Leita Reyna´s last blog ..Muddy Muddiness! =-.
Mitzi Magos says:
I am glad to know that you have many supports in your life. I read you blog everyday because I hope knowing that others are listening allows you to feel extra support. I am sure you encounter many weirdos and that is not how I hope I come off. I wanted you to know that I am a christian and I am praying for you. I pray that if you havn’t already, you explore the love of Jesus and that you feel his peace as much as possible. God Bless,
I’m terrible with words I wish I could express my self more. Maddie is forever in my heart.
I only found your website about a month ago. I am mesmerized by the beautiful pictures of your daughter. My heart breaks for you so very much! I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you are experiencing. I pray that God will give you strength each day as you go through this nightmare. God bless you and your husband!
Jamie Antisdel says:
.-= Jamie Antisdel´s last blog ..take me out… =-.
Amy in Oregon says:
You just keep writing Heather, as long as it feels right to YOU! And those of us who matter, who care and offer friendship will be here reading. The trolls will soon figure out that they are not wanted and will leave on their own. It doesn’t matter what ANYONE else says or thinks. You just do what you need to do, and those of us who matter, will keep loving you.
I found your blog while Maddie was in the hospital and been reading everything since , some days I smile and other days I cry. But I want to thank you what you do share with us. I know there is a lot you don’t share with us and it would be foolish of me to think that you do share everything but what you are sharing is helping me.
I’ve never commented on your blog but fill compelled today! I miss your adventures with your daughter! I am so sorry for your lost of that magnificant daughter of yours…I wish you and your husband nothing but peace!
The fact that you had to write this to say this pisses me off and angers me to no end.
Heather, You don’t know me from Eve..but I read your blog and read from the beginning. I ache for you daily, I cry for you daily each night, as I am putting my 19 month old down and we say prayers for you and your hubs.
I cannot believe ppl say hurtful things…I will not turn on my potty mouth, but know, you evil ppl you, I am saying very mean things to you in my head!
I am still so sorry that someone felt the need to leave that awful comment. However, you handled it with such amazing grace…more than I could have ever done (it’s that Irish hot-headedness that runs in my family). I honestly have not lost anyone close to me, but I watched my cousin grieve when she lost her husband and her boys lost their father. It’s a messy, awful, disgusting process and it’s different for each person.
Continue grieving in the way you want to grieve, we’ll all be here to hold your hand. Both in real life and in the virtual world.
99% of the time, I just don’t know what to say, so I’m sorry I only comment once in a while. But I’m ALWAYS thinking of you, Mike, Maddie, and everyone that surrounds you.
And cereal? Perfectly acceptable. *hugs*
.-= Kelley´s last blog ..The Building Chronicals pt. 5 =-.
jess marie says:
Heather, Mike, and Maddie Spohr,
YOU ALL are my heroes.
I look at everything different now because of all three of YOU.
You three are ALWAYS in my thoughts.
I pray for you all every night.
.-= jess marie´s last blog ..rockstar_mama: "business in the butt"…"i dont wear pants" fabulous wednesday thus far. mayben i’ll make some cash tonight at work. =-.
Debbie B says:
You are AWESOME!!!
Thinking about you, Mike and Maddie everyday.
You are so full of courage to post everyday and to share your feelings and your grief with us. And we love you for it.. You and Mike and Maddie are in my thoughts and prayers daily… I just wish there was more I could say more that I could do…. so sending virtual ((hugs)) xoxox
Hi, I have been reading your blog and this is the first time I’ve commented. I just wanted to say first that I am so sorry about Maddie. Second, even though we don’t know each other, I think about you often (does that sound weird?). Please take care, as much as you can right now.
Well I hope I fall into the category of reaching out and loving you guys. You guys have touched my heart and I pray for you lots! ((hugs))
I missed the comment drama yesterday. I am sorry for ALL you are going through. So deeply sorry. I wish there was more I could give, do, say. I still pray for you every day.
(PS: I am a DIFFERENT Kelly!)
AMEN HEATHER !! Plz know that while I don’t comment alot, I ready everyday, and I SO feel for you and Mike, you did NOT deserve this ! I’m with you all the way !
Today was a work day for me and so I didn’t have time to find out what I had a *feeling* about before I had to leave the apartment after reading your blog. I wanted to read through the comments right then at that moment, but I couldn’t. Until now … I just found *the comment*. Words fail me again, but not for the same reason that they have failed me when I read your posts. Actually, that’s a lie. I have more than a few words, but I am not going to write them here. If I could put my words together in any kind of coherent way, I would. Basically, I have no idea what they internet symbols for “let me k*** the s*** out of *her* is. … Thanks for keeping your blog open so that we can all read it. If you ever choose not to keep it public, I can understand why. … (((hugs)))
Great post. Thanks for writing.
I’m sorry you got some yucky comments yesterday. Ick. For what it’s worth, I think “spiraling into a depression” (whether you seek professional help or not) after losing a child is pretty normal and that you are handling it with such dignity. I’m glad that you feel free to be honest in this space. I will keep reading.
I have never commented before but do read your blog everyday. I read today’s post and wondered what had been said so I checked yesterday’s comments section. Un-freaking-believeable! Do not listen to those that say horrible, mean, insensitive things. Do not listen to those that think doctors, meds, and counseling will get you through this. The only person who knows what you need to help you grieve is you. If do feel that talking to someone will help, great. If you think that meds will help, great. You are the only one that can make that decision though. I will read your blog until you don’t want to write it anymore, and will always wish there was something I could do to help. Take your time through this process. You will never “get over it,” or forget and you are allowed to do whatever you need to do to survive. One day at a time!
On another note, I was driving on the 5 a few weeks ago and saw those awesome purple trees all along the highway and you and Maddie immediately popped into my head. Thinking of you today and everyday.
It’s true. They’re not worth your time.
Thanks for giving us a glimpse of the immense pain you are going through. Words can’t possibly describe the depth of grief and loss… and I feel honored that you’re sharing a small part of it with so many of us.
Truthfully, I have no idea what category I fall under. What I do know is that I read your blog every single day. I rarely comment, this is true…but only because I don’t know what to say. I’m afraid that I might unintentionally upset you. I know that what I could say won’t nearly take away the pain, grief, frustration and millions of other emotions and feelings you have right now…other than I am here, wishing you and Mike well but not knowing how to convey it.
As someone pointed out, you are the epitome of class in every way, shape, and form. Even in the wake of this misery you choose not to strike out at those ignorant enough to leave hurtful words. Thank you for showing us what true beauty is, from both you and Miss Maddie.
I’m so very glad that you are writing about your “sometimes messy” experience. I truly hope it helps you as much as it helps your readers.
I am also among the many here who have read every blog but never commented, I needed to today. I just wanted to let you know that wherever you are in your grieving is OK. People everywhere love you and Maddie so much and you are constantly in our thoughts and prayers. Don’t let the h8ers get you down, only YOU know what matters most.
I read constantly but I never comment. I just want to you to know there is another person in the world who is touched by you and feels for you. I’m so sorry for what happened to you, but I’m so grateful you are brave enough to share it.
I read your blog everyday and comment occasionally. What I do continually is to send wishes and hopes that each day will be a little easier than the last. You have so many friends here, some you’ve met and some you haven’t. I hope the one or two non-friends with pea brains will be nothing more than a blip on your screen.
Hugs to you both!
You are a very classy woman, Heather. Thanks for sharing even a small part of your feelings and your life. I pray for you regularly and think of Maddie often.
.-= Christiana´s last blog ..The Climb =-.
No one knows what you are going through. Some don’t know because they do not have kids, some have kids so they think they can imagine how hard you have it, others lost kids and they have their insight to only their own loss, but they are not you and they did not lose your Maddie…unless anyone has your exact thought process and loved your daughter as much as you did than no one knows what you are going through. So you need to wrap those arms around yourself and take care of you in any way you can. If that means blogging real and raw emotional feelings than so be it. No one has the insight to what you are going through…how can they when you , yourself is in the process of trying to sift through the after storm of this and to find your way. I’m glad that most of your readers are loving and supportive. You help me because my friend lost her son, and she shares some, and she keeps some to herself. You give me some insight to the nightmare she lives on a daily basis. It helps me to know how to help her. And for that I thank you.
After yesterday’s shit show of comments (albeit some were very supportive, don’t get me wrong), I realized what I think a lot of people (me included) wish that we could do. I don’t know you IRL, but if it were up to me, we could hang out on your couch, in our pjs, and watch tv together and eat really bad for you food, at least until you felt up to doing something. Because the worst part of all of this is that, even with all of the virtual support and even the people visiting and calling you, I can only imagine that you feel isolated. And that isn’t fair. So please know that you have a ton (literally, as it seems) of people who would love to hang out with you and just let you grieve. There is no time limit on grief.
So these two muffins get put in the oven and one turns to the other and says, Man, it sure is hot in here. The other one scream, holy shit, a talking muffin.
H, you don’t have to justify yourself to the world and surely not to people with Internet Dr. degrees. Keep taking care of you, that is all that matters. Love you.
.-= Issa´s last blog ..The good enough mother =-.
Tina Hosko says:
I wanted to jump in and bash that bitch’s skull in yesterday, but I think your mommy bloggers did a way better job than I could have. I love those women! I fell in love with them when I saw them jump into action and help arrange a beautiful service for your Maddie. You have an amazing support system here and IRL.. You, Maddie, and Mike are so loved.
Although we have known each other for most of our lives, I didn’t really “know” you until I started following your blog, way back when you were on bed rest. Your writings have always had a huge impact on me. You are an amazing mother, wife, writer and human being (not to mention funny, smart, and beautiful). Thank you for sharing your life (even if it is just a little bit of it) with me and the rest. You mean so much to me. Keep breathing. Love you.
Dear sweet Heather,
I am so often at a loss of words after reading your posts. There is so much I want to say to you but then I don’t know how to word it so that you know what I mean and my intentions. Heather, I think about you every single day. I don’t know you and only know of you what you write here on your blog but you have a very special place in my heart. I would do anything I could for you, Heather. I know only too well though that I can’t give you the only thing you want. If only I could. What I can give you though is my friendship and I give that to you my dear stranger friend. I can also let you know that I think about you all the time and am always sending positive vibes and well wishes your way. Of course there is no-one else who needs to know everything, Heather. Anything you decide to share with your readers on your blog is an honour for us to read. Heather, it is such an honour for me to read your blog. I have learnt and continue to learn so much from you. You are an amazing lady. I know there are no words I can write to ease your pain, but please know that I think about you every, single day. I think about your precious Maddie every day and am reminded about her all the time. The World Famous Maddie will never be forgotten. Heather, thank-you for sharing so many of your thoughts with us, its an honour for me to read your blog.
your stranger friend, Erica in Luxembourg
Oh Heather. Nothing but mad love for you and Mike and Maddie. You are dealing with this the only way you can and there is nothing wrong with that. While we are greiving with you and reading your words, no one can pretend to know how your feeling. its absurd.
I may be missing the reason for blogging but I thought it was for you to write what you wanted to. We are here only because you allow us and you shouldn’t have to change what it is you want to say because ultimately this blog is for you.
May God Bless you and your family. I pray that you find the strengh you need during this terrible, terrible time.
Well put, Heather….as always.
It’s your blog. I just have the immense honor of being able to read it.
Nothing but love & prayers for you, Mike & Maddie.
Hi- I have not meet you, but want you to know that I think of you so often. I truly cannot imagine what these past few months have been like. I am just so sorry. I wish you and your husband all the best and joy. You are in my thoughts.
You are amazing. Keep doing what feels right to you, we’ll be here listening and cheering you all on.
I stumbled across your website today looking up pics of sandcastles….I have spent the last 6 hours getting to know you and your family…I must say I have also spent the last 6 hours in tears…I cannot even comprehend what you are going through and nor do I intend to because I don’t…All that I wanted to say is that I think you and your husband are amazing…I lost my Mother 4 years ago and the pain and the grief that has gone along with that has been horrible. The thoughts and hurt and anger you post has been my life for 4 yrs and I often wonder if it’s going to ever get any better…each of my sisters have lost a daughter and I see the pain that they are going through and I can only say that as much as I miss my Mother I can’t even begin to understand the loss of a child…Maddi is adorable. I too have a granddaughter Maddi I love that name…I will check on you and know that people around the world love and care about you because of your story…You have done a good thing by posting your every thoughts it is therapy and it let’s the rest of us know we aren’t crazy for feeling the way we do…Take care of yourselves that’s all that matters darlin…
Andrea's Sweet Life says:
Dude, so you think it would be a bad idea to do a post on how many pieces of string cheese I consumed yesterday? Poo. I kept count and everything!
Love you, today and everyday.
.-= Andrea’s Sweet Life´s last blog ..Kiss and Say Goodbye =-.
Adding another amen. Your honesty, strength and eloquence is so inspiring. You’re in my thoughts everyday, my heart just breaks for you and Mike and your tragic loss.
Like the song goes, “It’s your thang, do what you want to do.” Or in the blog world, “It’s your blog, say what you want to say!”
Miss Tachae says:
Run with it Heather!!
Your strength in all of this amazes me every time I see it …
.-= Miss Tachae´s last blog ..Just Too Awesome =-.
Heather and Mike,
I never know the right thing to do or say. In reality, I know there is no right thing. But, I love you. And, I want to do anything I can to make this even a little bit easier. Posting here helps guide all of us along your journey and helps us understand what you need. Please keep talking to us so we know how to love you the best way we can.
You’re right…I don’t know you…but you’re always in my thoughts and prayers.
.-= Noelle´s last blog ..It’s here! =-.
I have wanted to reach out to you so many times. I read your blog every single day and find it comforting just to know that I am not alone in this horrible process of grieving. We too lost our precious little girl in May of 2008 (she was just over 7 months old). I constantly think about and keep you, your husband, and Maddie in my prayers. It may sound crazy… but my husband and I like to imagine our little Maeve and your Maddie playing together in heaven. The only advice I can offer, is to do whatever you have to do and what feels comfortable and right. How could anyone possibly judge you when most have never been in our shoes. I wish you much peace and should you ever need an ear to vent to… I am always open! Take Care of yourselves!
Heather & Mike,
I have been reading your blog for a few months now, although this is the first time I have commented. Your blog has been educational to me, for it has allowed me to see into a world that I thought I knew, but in actuality, knew very little about. My parents lost a daughter when she was 3 years old, which was two years before I was born. I grew up with grief, seeing firsthand the effect it had on both of my parents, but primarily my mom. A lot of what she and my dad experienced was hidden from me, which at the time was confusing, but now I understand their rationale for keeping me out of the loop. Reading your words has given me insight into their world. Thank you. And from the bottom of my heart, I am deeply saddened for the loss of your beautiful daughter. xxoo
Whenever someone hurts someone else I think it is important for that someone to know that there is someone, be it an army of one or of many, who is one hundred percent in their corner saying this…. “WE HATE THEM.” Consider it having been said!
Becky Mochaface says:
I’m here. I’m reading. Do what you need to. Write what you need to. I’m not going away.
.-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Hump Day Humor: Total Eclipse of the Heart =-.
Your poor heart does not deserve to be picked apart or critiqued by ANYONE.
Your blog is an outlet for your grief and anger. An extension —- a safe way to let some emotions out.
Anyone who cannot respect you during this survival mode you are in does not and should not be allowed to read through your heartfelt pain.
What I have read about you & mike is an honest and open look at what true grief is like. I cannot imagine the dark place you are in but I can tell you that many people including myself support you thru the journey.
much love to you & mike & rigby!
.-= Trinity´s last blog ..Goodwill is so good to me! =-.
There’s always going to be a troll here and there, just waiting to pounce on someone’s blog. They aren’t worth anyone’s time. I won’t even comment back to one because that’s exactly what they do this for — the attention it brings and to stir it up.
All that being said, I think your blog is helpful to so many people out there. And of course for you as well. Writing is a way to process feelings. There’s just something about putting things into writing that can be therapeudic.
I love your honesty. I love your memories of Maddie. I love getting to know Maddie through you. So long as you keep this blog open, I will read. And my prayers and good thoughts and wishes for better days are always with you.
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..Night Riders =-.
Heather G says:
The only assumption I have made when reading is that you are doing what you need to do. I admire your honesty and your ability to share the dark times. I hope & pray that brighter days are ahead for you. Thank you for sharing Madeline and yourself with the world.
.-= Heather G´s last blog ..Menu Plan Monday =-.
How you’ve impacted the good and bad in my life: I was diagnosed with breast cancer 2 years ago. I lost my hair and a breast. During this time I also went through a divorce after 30 yrs of marriage, my 3 boys in their mid 20’s moved out and started life on their own. I now have health problems that have disabled me, am unable to babysit for my new grandson, and pretty much am rarely able to leave the house. I hear from my friends what an inspiration I am, how strong I am…but I never wanted to be either. I was very jealous of anyone with a loving husband, hair, both breasts, and good health. I found your blog, and it has put everything in perspective for me. I am going through life changing events, but the key word is life. I now appreciate that, and thank you for your heartfelt posts that keep me from feeling sorry for myself. I have so much to be thankful for. I am not experiencing the most heartbreaking thing that could happen in life, but you are. For that, my heart aches. Thank you for every post you write, every picture you post. You have changed my life, for the better.
Debi Powell says:
This is GREAT! You know, probably only a few of us really “know” you, Mike or knew Maddie, but when someone posts something HATEFUL on your blog, we’re all like “come on now, bring it!!!” with our fists up ready to take them down for you!! We’re so protective over you and what you’re going / went through.
I think so many people have just fallen in love with you as a friend… and with Maddie!!
Its a good thing those others are well protected or we’d all be on em sister!
There will always be people trying to hurt others when they’re down… always… I”m just thankful the large majority of your readers think you’re strong (even when you dont feel strong!), honest, and an amazing Mother. Your love for Maddie is so obvious.
Be blessed by the ones who love, support, encourage, and pray for you. Ignore the others… they really arent worth the effort to type their names.
I sincerely enjoy reading what you write. I am glad I found your website and would enjoy even reading about how many bowls of cereal are consumed – because when you write I feel what you are saying. In no way have I ever experienced something like you have with Maddie – I have never had the joy (yet) of having a child, nor have I God forbid lost anything so suddenly. When you write, I just “get” you. I know I know nothing really about the actual you. I don’t know your voice, or your tone, or anything like that. But I get your sense of humor when you write, I get your sarcasm and I feel your love for Maddie. It sounds as if something or some things were said that made you feel the need to write what you did today. And I apologize for whatever someone said that made you feel “blah”! Damn them! But girlie, keep on writing. Keep on sharing. Keep on expressing. Because you do help people – and not just with grief. You make me smile! And sharing everything about Maddie is such a beautiful way to remember her! There is a woman named Julie that lost her little girl Ryan not too long ago – well, two years ago. I guess it is SO long ago, and yet no time has healed the grief. Anyways, she has this website that you can take Ryan’s little Mini Cooper car on vacation with you, or wherever you are going. We took her to Disneyland. People take the photos of Ryan “doing” different things. Ryan has travelled all over the world! Maybe Maddie has something that could travel so that she too could see the world? Ryan’s website is Ryan’s Mini Adventure – type that in google and it’s the first one. Really, I would take Maddie on vacation with me!! Read about it…it’s such a beautiful way to keep everyone saying Maddie’s name!!
Thank you for saying what I have never been allowed to.
I have never written to you before, but have followed your blog for ages, I admire your courage, your writing and your honesty. There is nothing any of us can say to take any of your pain away. All we can do is tell you that we are listening, or rather reading, and offering a virtual shoulder for you to cry on, despite not knowing you personally and living at the other end of the world from you.
Amazing and uplifting: For every insensitive clod who hurls out ignorance, there are dozens of people who read but never comment (but who came out of the woodwork today to show their love and support), dozens of people who comment regularly to show their love and support, and dozens of people who know you and maybe don’t comment but show their love and support every day. Love wins.
Sending you and Mike my love and support, today and every day.
.-= Maura´s last blog ..Hitting the Road =-.
s. renfrow says:
Well said, Heather! You are an amazing person and I only wish that I knew you in “real” life!!
You are an amazing woman, thanks for writing.
Grief is a very personal thing. Do what YOU need to do. I’m sorry you are going through this
Momma Uncensored says:
i have read your blog since mid-april.. as i read i fell in love with your spunky lil’ one and began to care about her family.
so i read it often to see how you are doing. i can’t recollect falling into the first description and would feel like a real a&* if i said something upsetting.. unknowingly.
if i saw someone had written something negative or hurtful on your blog i will personally lose my biscuit.
they could only dream of having the strength you poses.
much love. MU.
.-= Momma Uncensored´s last blog ..willie vs. billy =-.
karen M. says:
I almost lost my daughter in a car accident. She suffered a traumatic brain injury and for weeks we knew we might lose her. While I sat in that absolute hell of not knowing, I couldn’t imagine I could go on with life if she died. I thought of the ways I could end my life quietly and with minimal mess if she was going to pass. By some miracle she lived, and after much rehab and three years of re-grouping… she thrives with just minimal disability. I also have a son.. and your blog reminds me to appreciate. Appreciate. Even the tantrums and mouthy confrontations and teen frustrations, etc. Thank you for sharing so much of your soul. You are helping others, in ways you don’t even know.
.-= karen M.´s last blog ..Berry Patch Pie =-.
I normally don’t have time to read through your comments, but I check in everyday to see how you are. I love hearing stories about Maddie. Heather, despite everything you have been through, you are truly a class act.
My hubby and I were coming home from dinner tonight and we came to the busiest intersection in our town. The traffic was dead stopped and there was about 100 cars just sitting parked, most of the doors were open and we just saw people running around. It was like a scene out of a movie…then we realized there was a stray dog dodging in between cars and sometimes heading to the entrance of the highway. We hada nice hot chicken dinner that we were taking home to our son for dinner, and we hopped out with the rest of the town to offer the chicken as help to get the dog…then this old guy pulls up and starts blaring on his horn and yelling at the car in front of him. Just shouting, “MOVE! MOVE!” I said, “There is a dog dodging in and out of the cars, she can’t move.” And he yells out, “Jeeeeezuuuuuus Chhhhharist!” And blows the horn non stop. So I look at him and I said, “Come on dude, have a little compassion, it’ll get hit.” And he won’t look at me any longer and says, “COME ON! I WANT TO GET HOME!” So I said, “You’re an asshole.”
Here is this great scene of human compassion unfolding in front of him and all he could think of was his selfish need to get on with his day. It proved to me that no matter how many amazing, caring, compassionate people there are, there is always one asshole. I saw it yesterday in your blog, I saw it today on the highway entrance ramp. Your beautiful daughter is not here to brighten the world with her smile any longer, but these two assholes are here spewing their venom. Life truly is not fair.
hugs and prayers. I hope you find some relife in your writing. Your family isnt far from our prayers daily. I often wonder how you are doing.
What kind of moron thinks they know enough about you from reading your blog to make hurtful assumptions about you or the grieving process??? Sheesh!!! I mean, I feel like I know you from reading your posts, but I realize your posts cover about 1/10 of 1% of your life. I hope you keep writing. You words are honest and real and raw. They are beautiful and sharp and painful all at once. I read your blog almost every day and wish I could take your pain away, but I can’t. Please, keep sharing and ignore the jerks.
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah says:
Ugh. Why would people assume asshole things? Like you don’t have enough shit to worry about already.
Apparently 272 people have your back.
.-= Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah´s last blog ..Time for Me to Abdicate the Drama Queen Crown =-.
I hate fractions. Fractions and dinks. In a bid to make two consecutive f-bomb comments, I ask that you add 4 words at least once a week as dictated by punks:
F*ck you, from Amanda.
I really am not this rude. Fierce loyalty brings it out.
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..You Meaning =-.
Your blog is so hard to read…as a mother my hearts aches for you every time you post. I look at pictures and videos of Maddie, and just hurt because she reminds me of my daughter at that age, and I cannot imagine what it would have been like to lose her. I read your blog because I think that Maddie’s life deserves the impact that you give it here. You are teaching me how a grieving person feels, and yes…it is messy. It’s real. I wish so much it wasn’t, but it is real, and Maddie’s precious life is being given a beautiful spotlight by you. I so wish there was something I could say that would mean anything, Heather….just praying.
Mary from WA says:
So exquisitly & beautifully put. Your graciousness amazes me. I pray I never (past, present, future) hurt you. Thank you, once again, for sharing your life, grief, and, of course, Maddie with us in such an honest & eloquent way. You & your family remain in my prayers & thoughts daily.
.-= Mary from WA´s last blog ..Classic =-.
My love and prayers go out to you and Mike and your families, some of the strongest people I”ll never have the honor of meeting. Thank you for sharing once again. Your words are so powerful and honest, they usually bring on the tears. Even the happy moments!! For what it’s worth, I hope your days get easier to bear and your wonderful memories of your sweet baby girl stay fresh in your mind.
My prayers are with you. Found you from reading a fave’s Opendiary post and I watched the pictures of your beautiful baby girl on youtube, then had to come here. Very powerful words. Nichelle
i love maddie through you guys. \I wept like a pig when i read you blog from start to finish Im sorry shes not here, its worng and its stupid and I cant make sense of this universe of cours. I hope its not inappropriate to ask but are you pregnant? If you are my prayers are with you and if you arent they already were.
wishing you peace and comfort ,
I love you and hope to see you soon to give you a hug. xo
Maybe it’s Mercury in retrograde or something. Another Blogger going through some shit and putting it all out there on her blog has been subjected to the same kind of comments lately.
I just don’t understand why people can’t just scroll their little cursor up to the corner and hit the “X” button instead of trying to play armchair psychologist.
I hope all the comments are letting you know that your faithful readers are cheering for you every day-no matter what words you choose to put into the ether. And they are the majority.
Heather, I’ve been reading since I found your blog via Matt’s on the day of Maddie’s passing. I read every archived…viewed the pictures of Maddie and my heart breaks for you and aches. I truly appreciate you sharing your feelings with all of us and I love your writing style. It’s real… raw… and I thank you for sharing with all of us. I’ve lost my Dad, GMA, 2 brothers, a niece and my MOM in 2004. I know that type of loss, that type of grief… and honestly there will always be a hole / void in my heart that NO ONE can ever fill. I have 2 kids…and I can’t even imagine not having them… or imagine that magnitude of grief / loss… so I always send you hugs…think of you and Mike…and read your blog daily. It helps me put my life in perspective. Again, thanks for sharing, and people with nasty comments just need to stay away! Praying for comfort and peace for you and Mike… and sending you hugs! XO
Perfect response, perfect words, thank you for sharing that. I also like that Bereaved Parents Wish List. Whenever I get a hideous comment like you got yesterday, I feel like shutting down my whole blog. Then I think fuck it. I’m so glad you will keep writing.
.-= Danny´s last blog ..Charlie & The Chairman of the Board =-.
Jennifer L says:
I’ve posted here, on facebook or twitter only a couple times but am an avid and caring reader of every blog entry and comment, having gone back to the very begining since finding your blog many months ago. I always want to comment – to lend my support – to make sure you know that instead of having a zillion supporters, you actually have a zillion-and-one, but I often feel that whatever the person before me posted was so eloquent that there is nothing left for me to say. But given the commentary here over the last 24 hours, like many others I felt I should step forward once again to let you know I am here for you, if you ever want to talk to/yell at/cry with a complete stranger with no strings attached. I can’t imagine what you are going through, though I have tried to imagine it with my own son and daughter many times since Maddie’s passing and the exercise immediately reduces me to tears. So, once again, I guess I still don’t have anything eloquent to say, but wanted you to know that I’m here to lend an ear or email, if I can ever be of service. Lastly, THANK YOU for sharing Maddie’s life and your story with us stranger-friends. I continue to be awestruck by her beauty.
I am curious if you read the comments people leave. There are so many and it would be overwhelming to me. But that being said, a mother, just like yourself, posted a poem on her blog about how to treat a grieving mother. The poem is:
Please Be Gentle
By Jill B. Englar
Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and screamand repeatedly ask ‘why?’
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,so great is my loss.
Please don’t turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?
Her daughter died shortly after birth (or was born stillborn-I am not sure) and now she is pregnant with a son with Trisomy 18. She needs our prayers too. We think of you. Our heart aches with both of you. We may be strangers but we are forever affected by the lives of your children. Her blog is http://kinseygracethompson.blogspot.com/
I hope you know we are there for you. Just keep writing and we will be there to listen. You are loved.
She posted this too.
Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don’t worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn’t show.
Don’t worry about making me cry.
I’m already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I’m hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending she didn’t exist.
I’d rather you mention my child,
Knowing that she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say “pretty good” or “fine”.
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.
~ Elizabeth Dent ~
Like always, i am thinking of you, and sending all love and good wishes your way! I read your blog daily, as a mother i respect and admire you xoxo
I am so sorry to hear that you have received negative feedback.
I can only say that I wish you and your husband any healing that you can achieve. If writing helps you, I hope you continue. Personally, I am here as a witness. I hope that offers you some measure of comfort, however small.
.-= mandy´s last blog ..Summer Hols =-.
Debbie in the UK says:
It seems there are people in this world who live to hurt others, and it makes me despair. Remember Heather that 90% of people are caring and kind and would do anything to help.
I read your blog every day and wish with all my heart I could do something for you.
I cannot even begin to imagine your grief. I can only say, keep writing, I will listen. Of course I can’t, nor can the hundreds of others who read about your beautiful baby girl, know all of the inner workings of your feelings. Writing helps me so I know how therapeutic it can be and even I don’t share everything. I do have to say though that I am glad to see youre eating, although the cereal bowl consumption in my house is way more lol.
.-= qcmama´s last blog .. =-.
Susan Cornett says:
You have to think that those who say they “know” your situation, or those who provide negative comments, are simply too afraid to look into a mirror to deal with what is going on in their lives. It’s always easier to project.
But I hope you will continue to share your story – Maddie’s story – with all of us. I’ve never met you, and never will, and I’ll never know the joy of having a child or the gut-wrenching pain that you are going through. I do, however, know that I think about your angelic Maddie every day and hope that she somehow knows how many lives she touched when she was here, and how many more she touches now. You keep writing and sharing and we’ll all keep reading and praying.
Mary Cramer says:
I read your blog almost every day and I think you are a wonderful writer. Your baby was special, and I love to read about her.
Once again, your words are so moving and meaningful.
My brother died 10 years ago. On the few occaisions that I go to the cemetary where he is buried there is always something new laid on his headstone. I have no idea who was there and left him a little gift, but I know how much joy and gratefulness it brings to me to know that other people are thinking about him, not just my parents and other brothers. It’s just good to know he’s not forgotten.
The reason I mention this is that yesterday when I was grocery shopping I went down the kid aisle to see if there was any thing I needed. There wasn’t, but I did see a collection of Abby Cadaby cups, and I thought of you and Maddie.
Thank you for sharing your world with us.
I have not written before because I haven’t known what to say. I found your blog to make a donation to March of Dimes, but I’ve kept reading. Maddie was a special little girl, but you seem like a special mom. I wish I could do something to help.
I’m so sorry that you have to go thru this. I have just made one comment here some time ago, but today felt the need to send you a (HUG) and tell you that I pray for you and your husband. Please keep writing….your blog has helped me (I miscarried at 9 weeks) and I’m sure its helping a lot of people out there too.
I can’t imagine anyone would weigh in on how you should or shouldn’t feel. I read you everyday b/c I hope that you feel the support you have. We’ve never met but if we did I would give you a huge hug and just listen. My mom is very ill w/ brain cancer and while I may not be a parent and can’t imagine what you are going through, you are helping me with my own loss. You are helping people, please do not forget that. With lots of love ~ Rachel, WA DC
I just read a wonderful book called Lincoln’s Melancholy. It’s a fascinating look at Lincoln and his Depression. What struck me about the book the most was the comment the author made about it being ” more ok” back then to feel sadness and express it. Somewhere along the line, says the author, (whose name I forget because I am old and can’t remember shit), the U.S. chose optimism over pessimism and possibly over reality as well. It used to be “ok” to wear black for a year after losing someone. It used to be ” Ok” to mourn, grieve and feel your feelings.
I remember a friend calling me about out mutual friend, a woman who lost a child when he was five years old, and saying, ” It’s been six months and she’s still crying, is that normal?” ( I have worked in mental health all my adult life so I always get those types of queries) .Well, shit, yes, that is normal. The woman just lost her five year old son. It’s only been six months. And here’s the thing.. now it has been 15 years and she still cries about him- as do I. She is not depressed, she lives a full and wonderful life but she isn’t over her son’s death – she never will be. Somewhere along the line in this society we gave up our right to be sad. Life is hard. There is a lot of sadness. The worst sadness of all is the one that comes from losing a child.
Sounds like you are doing just fine to me. Grief is personal. Everyone deals with it in their own way.
I think you are wonderful. Hugs.
.-= ruth´s last blog ..And this is incredibly cool as well…. =-.
I read your blog and always want to comment but end up deleting it. I know there are people out there who can better voice what I am feeling for you and your family. I know I cannot imagine the pain that you are all going through but I DO KNOW that what you are posting here is helping so many people. Your sentiment is exactly correct. People who think negatively of what you are doing have absolutely no clue about you, about life, about anything really. Please continue to write and do it for yourself, your family, for your beautiful daughter. I wish I could actually put into words what I feel when I read your blog, but every time I come here, I cry. Not always tears of sadness, but you express yourself so well and I can’t help but cry along with you. I hope you are healing in whatever way possible.
I’ve been following you for a while now but have been silent for lack of knowing what to say. There are many people whose time on this earth is far too fleeting yet they leave an enormous impact.
But, even if we knew how short the time would be, and how deep our grief would go, I don’t think any of us would give back a SECOND of it. I’m sure this is how you must view your time with Maddie. Hugs to you containing the warmest of thoughts, the best of vibes, and the most sincere of prayers, as you try to plot a course for life anew.
.-= Nicole´s last blog ..City Garden, Part Two =-.
I also read virtually every day but often don’t comment for fear of saying the wrong thing and adding to your pain. You are so brave to share yourself and your feelings with so many people and I hope that you know you are helping more people than you know. I am so sorry for you and Mike and the grief you are going through. In sharing Maddie with all of us you have shared so much. Know that you have support from many readers even if we don’t always comment.
Just want you to know that I like reading everything you write…the good, the bad, the ugly. Because somehow, it makes me a better person to see what you have written. Follow me here. It makes me more compassionate to others. More careful with my words. More appreciative of my own children and the gift I have been given just with their health.
It also reminds me that the only thing you are guaranteed in life is the moment you are in, so choose how you spend it wisely.
Thank you for the gift of your words. I do not take them for granted.
Amen! While most people understand fully that one doesn’t post every single detail, there are the toads who think they are experts based on a few words a few times a week.
Good on you for this post – I am only sorry you felt you needed to do it. While this blog does help many, many people who are grieving (me included), this is really not about or for them. You keep on doing and writing this for YOU!
Please know, though, that reading the experiences/emotions you choose to share does help me. Thank you for that.
You are so classy. Write what you need to write, and fuck the rest. You are amazing.
Maria Delgado says:
I want you to know that I feel privileged to be able to read what you write. You are REAL. You have chosen to be venerable with the world and I respect you so much for that.
I think you are brave.
You know what I think.
.-= Stefanie´s last blog ..Isn’t This Rich? =-.
AMEN! Way to Go! Couldn’t have said it better!
I try not to comment too much because I know you are swamped with comments, but I do read everyday and I pray for you and Mike and Maddie everyday! I think of you several times a day. Please keep writing … my gut is in knots not knowing how or what to update my prayers with for you!
to those that don’t like or leave hateful or mean comments … pick on someone else … you can find me at mbkimmy.blogspot.com
.-= MBKimmy´s last blog ..PICTURES … =-.
Allison Harrell says:
Keep writing…You are always in my prayers and I totally wish that blogs existed when my dad died 10 years ago, because lord knows that I needed an outlet and I think this is a great one for you. I appreciate everything that you share with us (your loyal readers)…
.-= Allison Harrell´s last blog ..A Toddler is an Accident Waiting to Happen! =-.
I just don’t even know what to say. Especially when it comes to crazy trolls who need to stick both feet in their mouths. I lost a baby at 8.5 weeks into the pregnancy back in March. The immense grief, the crying, screaming, the why me’s, and it’s not fair…everything…I still cry, still have my moments, and still miss that baby, would still give anything to be 23 weeks right now and eager for the end of October when I was supposed to meet that baby face to face.
The messiness of it all…everything I’ve been through these last 3 months…I can’t imagine what you’ve been through, Heather, what you’re going through, and what you will continue to go through.
I remember writing a post on my blog and starting with Maddie. It was the day of her funeral, and I remember thinking that yes, what I’ve gone through has been rough. It was hell on earth. And yet I thought of Maddie and that beautiful smile. And I thought of you. And I know a loss is a loss, but I also realize that the further you go, the more you have to lose because the more you got to hold on to that child, the more you got to know them. I know that if I were still pregnant but lost the baby today, it would be that much harder.
I can’t imagine losing a child after knowing her like you did. I Just know what I went through, and know that it’s a million times harder for you, and I’m so sorry. Considering I still have my moments, there’s absolutely no doubt that you’re still struggling. And as for seeing the doctors, I say good for you for doing what you need to. Good for you for using this blog as an outlet. We all need outlets especially in times of grief. And I say whatever you’re doing, you’re doing it right, because it’s obviously what you need to do. Everybody grieves differently, grieves in their own special way, and I just wish people would understand that. A pill is not some magical treatment to fill a hole in your heart that will now always be empty. I don’t understand why some people feel the need to say you need to do it this way or that way (and even more so need to say stupid stuff like that when the “way” in question is ONLINE in a BLOG that doesn’t provide the whole picture.)
I thank you for sharing Maddie’s story. I only “knew” her for a short time before she left the world, but I became attached so quickly. Her story was the final nudge it took for me to actually donate to the March of Dimes after saying I’d do it for however many years now. I’m a March of Dimes baby myself (born at 30 weeks with some health issues) and knew for a long time that I wanted to give back. I was honored to do so in Maddie’s name.
My thoughts and prayers are still with you and Mike through this difficult time.
.-= Christine´s last blog ..Nerds =-.
Thank you for your generosity in sharing your experiences with others. Reading your stories about Maddie made me smile, and now your writing about losing Maddie has made me cry every time. Thank you for reminding me to cherish every moment with my daughter; I wish you could have had more time with Maddie. My heart breaks for you and your husband. I wish things had turned out differently for you all.
I KNOW you are helping so many people through this writing. And in writing for SO MANY people, you risk being misunderstood. So, you do it for you. I’m so glad you do this for you, and that you enable us to support you by doing this (for you). Thank you for that. ((hugs))
I love you and am glad that you have come into my life. You inspire me to be a better person every day.
Like many of the other posters, I follow your blog but never comment. I follow your blog because your story has touched my heart, it has a connection that helps me understand my own personal feelings & know that what I think & feel are completely natural. Thanks for letting us glimpse such an intimate part of your life. Your courage continues to amaze me and your remain in my thoughts & prayers.
Heather, I’m sure it’s hard for you to feel brave these days, but I promise you: you are brave. I’m here pulling for you, as always.
Marti from Michigan says:
Heather and Mike – you are wonderful, fantastic people. I am so sorry for what you are going through, it’s so fricking not fair! In my prayers for you in these last few months, I have asked God, why? And I just do not get any kind of answer, or even feeling like maybe there is an answer. But I keep praying for you and sending good thoughts to you from Michigan. You two are the best!
A *huge* bunch of hugs to you all.
.-= Miche@CoordinatedChaos´s last blog ..Happy 4th Of July from Mobile =-.
You have no idea how many people you are helping. Even those, such as myself, who have experienced a death very close in the family (my mother) but have never been pregnant or lost a child.
Every time I come here to read, I send up a little prayer for you and your family. Maddie is a beautiful girl and I know she is looking down on you.
Thank you for continuing to write.
I just wanted to send some cyber hugs.
I don’t know you, but I think about you and Madeline every day and I ache for you and I wish I could do something to help.
You are in my prayers.
I second Rebekah.
I think of you every day, even if I don’t comment all the time.
I ache and bawl every single time I read your blog. You make me want to be a better mother and appreciate every minute with my kids. You are a warrior in a fight you didn’t want- but you are making Maddie live on in so many hearts. Take Care of You.
You don’t know me, and I don’t think I’ve commented before, but I prayed for your peace tonight. I will again tomorrow.
.-= Meg´s last blog ..beavers, maple syrup, geese, and tim horton’s: five haiku for canada’s 142nd birthday. =-.
Heather, your strength and grace continue to amaze me. You are just wonderful in every way. Your Maddie is an angel, just like her Mommy!! xoxoxo
A long time reader and first time commenter here… I find your words achingly powerful, especially yesterday’s post about how you would do anything to have Maddie back. Your honesty is incredible and you’re right – those of us who love someone the way you love Maddie – we WOULD do anything to regain the loss of that love. I try to learn from everything you write – how to be a better listener, friend, partner, parent. You inspired me when Maddie was living and I am incredulous at your ability to continue to offer yourself to the world in your grief. I hope that the love of your readers in the blogosphere lends you some small degree of support. Maddie is a beautiful angel – thank you for sharing her with us.