So this is what it’s like living with a two-year old, eh? They’re all drunk with the realization that they have brains that can make decisions? Annie has discovered she has free will, and I’m pretty sure the world is going to implode around us.


Everything is a struggle with her lately. If she didn’t think of it first, she doesn’t want to do it. And if she thinks of it and you don’t immediately do it, you immediately have a screaming ball of toddler at your feet. This means I constantly have a tantruming child on the floor, but sorry kid, you are not the boss of me. I am the adult! Or something.

The drama is constant. The scene:

Annie flounces into the room and throws herself down into a chair. 

Me: Annie, what’s wrong?
Annie: My foot…HURTS!!
Me: Let me see, I will kiss it and make it better.
Annie: NO! Go OUTSIDE!
Me: Well, we can’t go outside if your foot hurts, because we have to put shoes on. Dang.
Annie, standing up and stomping her foot:  NO! GO OUTSIDE!
Me: Oh look, it’s a miracle, your foot is better! Let’s put on shoes.
Annie throws herself back into the chair and starts speaking in tongues
Me: Let me know when you calm down.
a few minutes later
Me: Annie, now that you are calm, do you want to go outside?

I wasn’t expecting her to be so contrary about everything. I know she is testing her limits, but it is making me insane. She says “no” to everything, and when we tell her “no,” or “don’t” or “stop,” she will continue to do whatever the forbidden activity is while also giggling like a tiny sociopath. You can see exactly what she’s thinking all over her face, “I’m gonna keep pushing them because it’s funny!” I’ve learned the best thing to do in these situations is ignore her, except for when she’s doing something like bugging the dog. Rigby is the world’s most tolerant dog, but I’m not willing to see just how tolerant she really is.

Mike was a sweet and obedient kid, so his crazypants dramaqueen daughter’s mood swings have thrown him for a loop. Annie already knows that I won’t put up with her Toddler Drama, so she saves her best performances for her daddy. She can sense his weakness. I keep reminding him that he has to be strong, because it’s a slippery slope: one day he’s giving her another cookie, the next she’s stealing his car to take her boyfriend Spike to get his tongue pierced.

Allegedly. I was, uh, a good kid.