I’ve had this window on my computer open for two weeks, the cursor blinking over and over. But I didn’t know what to write. The words are gone.
On November 8, we woke up the news that America’s latest mass-shooting had taken place in my town, Thousand Oaks, California.
I grew up in Thousand Oaks. It’s where Mike and I decided to raise our children. I would brag to Mike, “It’s consistently on the top of the ‘Safest Cities in America list!'” It’s the type of place where you can call to report a fender bender and twelve police cars will show up because they don’t have anything else to do. It’s the type of place where everyone knows everyone, something I hated when I was a teenager but I love now that I have kids of my own.
When I was younger, I couldn’t wait to move somewhere more exciting. Somewhere that had more than three things to do after 8pm. “You can only go to Borderline so many times,” I used to say. So I left. And even though my time in New York City and Los Angeles was everything I hoped, a part of me always knew I’d be back.
I wanted my children to grow up playing with neighbor kids. I wanted them to be able to walk to school. I wanted them to have a childhood surrounded by majestic oak trees and rolling green hills. I wanted them to be safe.
But nowhere feels safe anymore.
Two miles away from where my children slept, twelve people were murdered. At the hospital around the corner from my house, doctors and nurses tried valiantly to save them. The national news media descended on the streets I drive to go to the market…softball practice…my home.
Everything looks the same, but everything is different.
I’ll never forget the looks on the faces of my fellow parents as we dropped our kids off at school that day. The way the teachers carefully arranged their faces into expressions of love while they waited to hear if any of their former students had been killed. The way I had to arrange my own face when I had to tell my children what happened.
It’s been 16 days and I’m still in shock. In a town where everyone knows everyone, we all are. Thousand Oaks is on “the list” now. Our anonymity is gone. Our bubble no longer exists.
We were the site of America’s latest mass shooting. And tomorrow, it might be your town.
Crystal says:
We live a mile from Thurston High School. I remember that shooting when I was in 8th grade. I never guessed my own children would be going to that high school, but they will. I’m friends with students and teachers who witnessed it first hand. It’s surreal.
JustAMom says:
Heather I’m glad you posted. I’ve been wondering how you were doing after this. I still can’t wrap my head around it.
Cristy says:
I’d been wondering what you would say after the devastation of the last few weeks. I moved to Thousand Oaks 8 weeks ago and can honestly say that between the shooting and the fires, the past couple of weeks have been such a blur. But I’m still new here, and this is your lifelong home which must multiply the feelings a million times over.
I too had to explain to my kids what happened in their new city. I knew they would hear it at school and I wanted to explain it my own way (as best I could anyway). A conversation I’ll never forget and can only hope to never have to have again. ?
Judy Moticka says:
Heather, I’ve been thinking of you so much since the shooting. I know how you feel. 10 years ago this past February it was my town–Kirkwood MO–that had a “massacre at City Hall”. I sat at my computer struggling to find the words. I had to arrange my face to talk to my own kids. I answered the calls from friends and family around the country–did you know any of them (yes), are you okay (no, but I will be). And I still don’t have any real answers for the bigger, harder, scarier questions. Other than vote. Continue to raise your voice. Love your children. Hold people close. And every single time it has happened since, when people say, “I never thought it could happen here,” I can only shake my head because I know it can happen anywhere.
Auntie_M says:
Heather, I was so horrified by what happened in your hometown. And then the fires came in on top of it, and this tragedy was sort of lost. I have wondered if it has mad it harder or easier for those affected to be swept out of the news cycle so quickly.
I have also thought a lot about all of those who descend upon a town during & after a natural disaster to help….because when you loose an entire town, entire communities, how do you rebuild? We’ve seen it done time and again after distasters strike: tornadoes, hurricanes, floods, fires. People, with the help of the Red Cross, FEMA, and the US Small Business Administration Disaster Assistance, and private investors, rebuild & thrive.
But after a mass shooting??? When communities are rocked and families are grieving??? We don’t have groups who move in after those types of disasters. There is no national mass shooting counseling center who comes in after one of these & stays the duration helping those affected. Or another who comes in and helps families deal with funeral & memorial decisions. Or another that helps with hospital billing & insurance companies and emergency assistance. And so on and so on. All the horrors that come with a mass shooting, a mass tragedy such as your community experienced & all the help people need in dealing with the long slow recovery process. While I wish those companies/agencies/volunteer groups did exist, oh how I wish we had no need for them – ever!!!
My love goes out to you & Thousand Oaks. Thank you for sharing how you’ve been in regards to this. XO
Nicole says:
Heather, I could not believe when I woke up that morning to another mass shooting. My hometown of Edmond, OK is where the term “going postal” originated. In 1986 a formal postal worker went into the post office and murdered 14 people. Edmond is also a suburb of OKC so in 1995 when I was 14 years old, my classroom literally shook when the federal building in downtown OKC was blown up. Before then, Oklahoma was a place no one ever thought of. My heart goes out to you and everyone in Thousand Oaks.
Bella says:
Heather, I am sorry to say I had to quickly open a tab to look up *which* shooting this was. I’m from Littleton, CO where we had Columbine – which took away our safe reputation and comfort with schools, and the Aurora theater shooting – which we are reminded of every time we see a movie and the opening explains how to plan our exit in “an emergency.” I think about it when I go to church and when I go to a shopping mall – all of those places have been targets. I’m sorry we can no longer count on that peace we believed in. I look forward to a brighter, saner future. The sooner, the better.
Emily says:
I’m so sorry that this has happened to you and your family. It is so nice to see you write again, I just wish it wasn’t in these circumstances.
Susan Salyer says:
My children grew up in Agoura and we spend so much time going back and forth to Thousand Oaks…I now am retired and live in Missouri with my husband who was born here and also had gone to Borderline many many times..our daughters wedding reception was held there…needless to say we are in shock beyond words. Between the shooting and fire…..So sorry to read and listen to it on the news. Hoping and praying that healing will start and the coming holidays will give a ray of hope to all. God Bless and stay well……
Deborah says:
Sending love to you and your family from Philadelphia.
Lindsay says:
You have already had more than enough grief to deal with in your lifetime (grief for what a place once was, though different from grief for a person, is very real in my experience). I am so very, very sorry this happened to your beloved hometown. Sadly, I am not at all surprised – this is what our country will be, and what many will feel about their own hometowns until we enact sensible gun legislation- but I am incredibly sorry.
samatwitch says:
I’m so sorry, Heather. No community should have to go through this and no parent should have to try to explain to their children. I can’t even imagine doing that. And then the cuts on top of it. I’m sending positive energy to all of you.
twingles says:
Know the feeling after being a NYer on 9/11. It was not a question of “will this person I’m coming into contact with have known someone who died” but more a matter of “how close was the association”. Funerals every day, many times a day, the media, the depression that will inevitably follow.
The scary thing is the shootings are not even breaking news anymore. Just the same old, same old, as we all wait our turn.
Jeanie says:
I’m sorry that happened in your town. You’re right, though, it could be mine next. Every now and then when I’m out and about (mostly shopping), I think that someone could come where I’m at and start shooting at any moment. How sad to even have to consider it. You haven’t lost your writing ability; I got all the feels, as they say, while reading your post.
Becca says:
I’ve been checking your page every few days over the past few weeks. That it remained on the post-Halloween Sunday surfing felt so appropriately eerie. Like just a snap of life “before”, so to speak. Before the shooting.. before the fires. It’s been interesting for me to see and feel that, and have that juxtaposed with the reality that the rest of the country isn’t talking about Borderline anymore. The reality is these happen so often that they only hold the nation’s attention for a day or two.. before everyone moves on. We need to remember that life doesn’t move on for everyone. Not the families. Not the community. Not the children who have lost a piece of feeling safe in the world. And everyone else is just fooling themselves, or living in a bubble. But you’re right – it’s easy to live in a bubble until it happens to you. And it will. That’s the reality.
Lisa says:
Lots of love to all of you. I’ve been following you on instagram and facebook too and have been slacking at reading the blog. I just popped in to catch up. How sad this is your last entry. I have a friend who lives there and had to flee the fires. To return to the shooting. I have no answers. No words. Only love and live.
Amanda Krieger says:
Hello — I’ve been meaning to comment and tell you I’m sending my love and condolences. I was at Virginia Tech and know the feeling of your safe home becoming synonymous with a tragedy. Hoping the few weeks that have passed since the incident have given you some space to process and grieve. It’s a terrible fraternity, and you’ll never hear news of a shooting the same way again. xo
Jean says:
I’m in Connecticut. We had the Newtown school shooting. CT is a small state. Seems like everyone knows someone who was affected by it. It’s so tragic. Glad you and yours are okay from that and the fires.