Mike has been in his new job for about six weeks now. I was really nervous about him being gone during the day, but luckily he can contact me and respond to my crazy needs and questions whenever I shoot him an email or text. It’s been an adjustment not having him around. We were lucky to be able to spend so much time together after Maddie passed, but it came at such a price.
Annie and I (and Rigby) have settled into a routine without Mike, and we’re making it work. Of course, as soon as I get her on a good schedule, something changes, but we’re doing our best. She goes down for naps on time now, which is great, although she really needs to work on the length. One thing at a time.
Still, as any parent knows, it’s exhausting being home with a kid all day. Seven months is proving to be a very frustrating age for Annie. She wants to do things that her body just hasn’t figured out – crawl, run, long jump. So when she tries and fails she gets UPSET. And damn it, she still doesn’t understand reason.
On the other hand, I’ve been the work outside the home parent, and that’s hard too. Sure, you interact with adults and you get alone time in your car, but you have to be presentable every day and report to a boss. And really, all you actually want is to be at home dealing with poop and tantrums.
We both work hard. I am still writing and running the house in addition to caring for Annabel. Mike drives an hour each way, then works hard and needs some down time. But, I need down time too. I swore I wouldn’t be that wife that throws the baby at her husband the second he gets home, but I find myself doing it anyway. We try to compromise (he gets 90 minutes to himself, I get 90 minutes to myself), but that doesn’t always leave any of us happy.
I would love to hear about how some of the other families out there handle this. It’s a balancing act that I feel is in danger of toppling around us.
Annie Y says:
I went from being a working mom to at full time SAHM mom in 2006. Since then, we’ve added another child and most days I think my husband has it made. He works 3rd shift so he’s gone from 9:30pm-6:30am, comes home, then sleeps until about 4:00pm leaving me to deal with all 3 kids the entire time.
I know EXACTLY what you mean about ‘throwing’ the baby at him because I feel that way too. I cherish the 10 minutes I am able to lock myself in the bathroom some days just to escape it all and hear myself think.
Wishing the best to all of you and hope you are able to work something out that makes everyone happy. When you do find something, PLEASE let me know!!!
Babito's Dad says:
We’ve always tried to give each other a complete night off from baby duty every once in a while. We also try to switch around our regular “assignments” from time to time.
Kate says:
Okay, I am totally not a parent, and I will admit that. I’m just a nosy blog reader. But my mom was a SAHM for fifteen years (from the time she had me until I was a freshman in high school) and my dad travelled a lot for work, I’ve seen the crazy that comes out of having no time to yourself. My mom, I hate to say, became one of those women for whom being a SAHM with kids became her only identity. It really eroded her personality, she didn’t do anything for herself for most of my life, and it’s kind of — messed her up in a lot of ways I can’t describe in this comment.
But that’s not the point of this.
My point is: when I was in high school, I was employed by a couple different families as a pseudo-nanny. Basically, two or three days a week, I would come in for an hour or two and I would entertain the kids so Mom got a break. Sometimes, Mom went shopping, sometimes she had a doctor’s appointment, sometimes? She went upstairs and took a nap. It was basically being a babysitter but not for some exciting night out, just so mom could get something DONE. (At Christmas time? I kept the kids busy so presents could get wrapped.)
I know Annie’s young and I am not sure if you are ready to entrust her with a stranger, but it might be something to look into. You could lock yourself in your room, read or write or dance to Beyonce for two hours, and be able to breathe.
I’d hate to see you go my mom’s brand of crazy, though the vodka industry would welcome another dedicated supporter of their wares.
Just a thought from someone with no authority!
Susan says:
I don’t have kids, either, but a lot of my friends do and I’ve heard this same issue from them. One friend trades babysitting time with her neighbor, and another has someone come to the house for a couple of hours a week. She doesn’t necessarily leave, but the kids are entertained while Mom is doing other things in the house. She started this when she had two kids under 16 months old. Yikes.
You have to take care of you first, or you won’t be any good to your family. Hopefully you can find some relief (and yes, it is relief – every mom needs it) through your wonderful network of family and friends.
Joy says:
I like the pseudo-nanny idea. I did something similar, but I called them “mother’s helpers.” They were usually tween or early teen aged girls who wanted to be babysitters but I didn’t think they were old enough to stay home alone and watch my kids. I did trust them to play in the yard with them while I worked in the house, or play in the house while I was in another room. I was nearby if there was an issue and they were getting experience babysitting so they could use me as a reference.
I also traded babysitting with another mother. One week I’d watch her two kids while she did something for an afternoon, the next week she’d watch mine. It was really nice and something to look forward to.
Also I’d leave the children with my husband one weekend day a month so I could go out with my girlfriends. He was free to do the same thing if he wanted to, but he seldom did.
The best advice I can give you is that this stage is short. My baby is nearly 11, her sister is 13, their brother is 16 and sometimes I wish I didn’t have nearly as much ‘me time.’
Dianne says:
I used a few girls as “mommy helpers” also when my kids were about 18 mths and 3-1/2 yrs. My youngest was a biter and my oldest was VERY stubborn. So, I couldn’t leave them unattended together for even a few seconds, it seemed. So, when I found a few tween girls who were doing homeschool, it worked out very well to have them be here at the house while I was home. They weren’t ready yet for full babysitting responsibility, but I could get a bit of “off duty” time (or paperwork time). I also work from home, so I understand trying to wear all of the hats.
The one thing my husband did finally ask me was “please don’t call me at work with bad news or negative stories about the kids.” It puts him in too bad of a frame of mind while he is supposed to be being productive there. So, after he told he that, I have tried to honor his request and not unload on him while he is at work.
My “unwind” time generally comes in the evening when my husband takes over the parenting and I go do some errands. I really DO NOT like going to the store with kids in tow. I’d rather do all of that stuff by myself and get it done quick. I also stay up too late after everyone has gone to bed to have “me time”, but that bites me the next day. I don’t recommend that method!
Anne says:
That’s what my mom ended up doing – staying up late and enjoying Johnny Carson with the sound down low and the quiet.
Poppy says:
That was my method too Grocery shopping was never so fun! And yeah, stayed up far too late but luckily all my kids took decent naps in the afternoon and I did too.
My husband is a firefighter with rotating shifts so there was little continuity or routine as who did what when.. Had he be home like clock work every day I imagine it would have been easier to work something out.
I love the idea you have of each getting unwind time. Thankfully I managed to get all the kids down at a reasonable 7.30 pm bed time so the nights he was home it was all about the kids for both of us until their bed time. Then we got to RELAX!
As it was, one day he came home to me hiding in the bathroom while son sat in his bouncy seat with a note on him. “Mommy is tired, please take care of me!” I even have the pic
edenland says:
I don’t know, and can’t wait to read more comments about this. Dave is upstairs and I want to rip his face off right now, because I work AND do everything around here. Apparently it’s still 1950. Who the fuck knew??
eliza says:
Lol. This one pretty much sums it up.
kristine says:
.I stay home, but this still applies. Especially the whole “face” part.
Vickie says:
Totally
Lolavix says:
Word. I teach so I have summers off and my chores throughout the year don’t vary very much from summer to winter. I will say that staying at home with the kids can be very draining, but what gets lost sometimes is that the house stuff still needs to get done and those who work often are doing those things long after the kids go to bed.
emily says:
wow, i think you read a lot of our minds! said perfectly…
Kim says:
I am in the same boat!!! Except my husbands name is Ryan and you can usually find him playing video games from the time I get home til not to long before I go to bed!! I am about ready to smother him sometimes. And God forbid if I have a night out with the girls I never hear the end of it!!! Although he has almost every night to himself!!! Sorry now I went on a rant!!
Suzie says:
Wow and I thought I was the only one living a few decades behind. I get phone calls on the way home from work, pick this up and this up and what’s for dinner? It’s a 7 mile commute. *blech* My husband USED to help with laundry. He’d wash it, we’d fold it and I’d put it away. It was balanced and fair. Somewhere in his laid-off lazy world, he stopped thinking that was fair and just stopped. Everything.
If I go to visit my mom? Yeah. No less than 10 phone calls or 50 texts wanting to know when I’ll be home. Apparently, I recently gave birth to a 36 year old baby.
Leslie says:
Dude, Eden…. me too. Barf-o-rama. And also? Time travel.
TESS says:
Wait a second. Are we sure we’re not married to the same man? Or has cloning already happened??
Paula says:
Yup, same here!
jacky says:
No its not 1950. If it was you wouldn’t ALSO have to work outside the home. Your only job would be the house and kids. F—ck..
edenland says:
HA! I am *loving* that I’m not alone here. I would like to invite all of you over to my house for dinner. Then a polka game. Dave can do the dishes. Jacky, I will wear my frilly 1950’s apron, just to make you smile!
edenland says:
Or maybe a poker game, while we are dancing the polka. I’m tired – because I’m doing everything around here.
Anne says:
Being single and childless is looking better and better and better and . . . .
Julie says:
Edenland and I have the same life. Except replace Dave with Jeff. Sick of iiiiiiiti!
Julia says:
YES.
Nina says:
My hard time was when my son was 0-4 months old and spent every God-given day howling almost every minute that he was awake and I would rest my sanity on the moment of my husband coming home so I could throw the baby at his head and go have a bath and drink Bacardi Rum.
And there really wasn’t a solution except to grit our teeth and get through it. There was very little fair about it, only things that needed to get done. I tried to give my husband more of a break but then my back went into spasm, and he just recognised I was falling apart and that much as it pained him he really needed to keep going even though he wanted to unwind.
Short of a third party coming in to give both parents a respite there really isn’t a solution, I think. It’s exhausting for everyone to deal with a crying baby, but this won’t last long – within a few weeks she will most likely outgrow it and things will change.
Best of luck through the trying times.
Poppy says:
Ahh I so hear you.. first born was a colicky mess the first few months. Nightmarish! Unfortunately throw in a little PPD and I was terrified to leave babe with hubby. I have a ton of patience but even babe was making me insane, wasn’t sure how hubby would react to be honest..
Time heals colic, sleepless nights and kids that demand our CONSTANT attention. Mine are now 17, 12 and 12.
Jen says:
You want alone time??? Are you joking???? You have a seven month old!!!!
Not that I am trying ot be rude or mean, but come on, what parents get alone time.
I work full time and as soon as I get home I am Mommy for everything. My hubby is disabled, so I am also his caretaker. When do I get a few minutes alone? Not even in the bathroom!!!!
I am sleep deprivaved, completely exhausted, and look ill.
As my hubby always tells me… Buck up and bear it buttercup
Heather Ann says:
Jen,
I don’t think she needs to buck up or suck it up. I think that what she and Mike are doing is perfect. Parents need to take care of themselves so that they can take care of their children properly. Heather and Mike are doing just that. It will take a while before they figure out what works really well. Until then, Heather, hang in there. Jen, you need to find some way to give yourself a break. You shouldn’t look ill and sleep deprived all the time.
Summer says:
And you don’t seem bitter about it at all.
I’m not trying to be rude either, but I think what Heather is saying is that the stress of having a young child and no time for herself is causing problems in other areas of her life. She doesn’t want to be the “sleep deprived, completely exhausted, ill looking” mama that you are. I’m sorry you don’t have options for giving yourself “you” time, but please don’t bash someone else for trying to balance their life in a healthier way.
Heather- I agree with the earlier post about a “mommy’s helper”. I worked a similar job in junior high and high school. You’re not a bad person for wanting alone time away from the struggles of being a mommy. I think it’s great that you recognize the need and are trying to be proactive. A lot of people don’t and that’s when you see crazy things start to happen. Good luck to you!
Kim says:
Not to be rude…but clearly you are in need of some alone time!! All parents need a break.
Kate says:
I hope for your sake (and your family’s) you are as good at balancing these things as you contend to be, and as strong as you contend to be, because my mom was our primary caregiver, took care of the household, and (eventually) worked full-time, too, and it slowly tore her apart. It’s really damaged her, and now, as an empty-nester, she’s revealing a lot of hidden bitterness and resentment towards my siblings and I, mostly because she gave up so much of herself that she had nothing left when we moved out.
Take care of yourself. The people you love should realize you need to feel good, too.
Amie says:
I agree with the others – there’s nothing wrong with wanting & asking for time for yourself. You need it! Everyone needs it! I bet even your kids need it at times! Taking care of yourself makes you that much more a great mother!!!
jacky says:
Jen,
If you don’t take care of yourself how will you take care of the others? My MIL who waited on her boys hand and foot, her husband like a king and her own MIL like a servant, died far too young. I am sure it was because she did not take her own rests or care for herself. And if you want to be a matyr and die young, don’t critize others who want to feel more rested and not be ill (or not look ill)
Poppy says:
Jen you obviously need some downtime in your life. Your husband telling you to buck up is NOT the be and end all my dear! Is he entitled to any home care hours? (Canadian and would be provided here in many cases). Research it. You too deserve a break, make it happen!
Rachel says:
I don’t think that it says ANYWHERE that a mom must be completely sleep deprived, completely exhausted and look ill to be a good mom. That’s the definition of a martyr, but not necessarily a good mom.
What I’m saying is: it’s ok to ask for better solutions…it’s okay for you to be feeling the way you do, too. But you can ask for help, too. That’s allowed. (I’m saying this all respectfully, by the way…my mom has lupus and I am the only child who takes care of her…her other kids are “too” busy”).
Shalini says:
Judging from the barely veiled frustration of your post, you’re not “bucking up and bearing it” quite as well as you think buttercup. This sort of thinking is exactly what causes people to have nervous breakdowns and fall into depressive episodes. They quell and cork their true emotions and fatigue until one day, all that plugging up hurts them.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
I really like your 90 minutes of alone time, each. That sounds like a great compromise. When I was desperate, I also would saddle my 7 mo old up in a stroller and go for a walk with her…preferably with a grown up who was funny and entertaining. Sometimes, those walks with friends invigorated me more than my alone time. Very soon, Annie will be going to high school and you’ll long for the days when you could spend hours just inhaling the sweet scent of her baby skin and kissing her chubby cheeks.
Cindy says:
It is amazing how quickly they grow! There are days when, as a mother, you feel the need to get away, to have a break. There are days when it feels like they will need you every second ~ forever. Before you know it you look at them and wonder where your baby went and why they don’t want to go to the playground anymore. You’ll be able to leave the house without all the bags and gadgets. They’ll be able to put on their own shoes and not need you to hold their hand to cross the street anymore. It goes too fast!
That all being said, it is important to take some time for yourself and some time for you and your spouse to be together ~ alone. One day the kids will grow up and leave and it will just be the two of you, so it’s important to spend time together and remember why you fell in love in the first place. We found that trading babysitting with a friend helped alot. We each got two evenings a month to go out while we took turns wathcing each others children. Having that to look forward to always helped and allowed my husband and I time to be us.
I read Jamie’s comment further down and thought it was very well put. When we dwell so much on the negative and how unfair it is and who has a heavier load to carry we truly miss out on the JOY that is this wonderfully amazing journey of MOTHERHOOD!
Heather, you and Mike are doing so many things right! Being flexible and sensitive to each other is the key!
Anna Herro says:
I totally feel your pain!!!! I was a SAHM for 2.5 years with my daughter. I just had my 2nd baby 13 weeks ago. When he was about 6 weeks a got a job for just 1-2 days per week. And I totally agree with you on it being so hard both ways. Working or staying home. I don’t have a solution for you though. Sorry. It’s just a hard situation to be in. I can say once she starts napping longer that may help. My daughter had the say issue with naps. She would wake after about 40 min which I guess is a sleep cycle for them. And then she thought she was done sleeping. What I did was just let her cry until she fell back to sleep. I know some people think that is cruel but it worked. She started sleeping 1.5 hours in the morning and 3 hours in the afternoon. Good luck. I really hope she starts napping longer. Because I know that will make the difference.
I read your blog everyday. You are a very talented writer. I really think you should write a memoir someday. And besides being an amazing writer you are a phenomenal mother. And Mike is the best dad. Your little girls (Rigby too) are so lucky to have you as parents.
RockyMtnMom says:
I was going to say the same thing about naps…my son (now 7) started out taking shorter naps when he was a baby – around Annie’s age- and one day I stumbled upon something. He woke from his short nap, started crying, and I couldn’t get to him immediately (TMI, but I was on the toilet and COULD. NOT. GET. UP!) Anyhow, when I was done with my “appointment” I went to get him and he was fast asleep…for another HOUR!! It was around this time that I also learned of the book HEALTHY SLEEP HABITS, HAPPY CHILD. I love that book. It is full of great info for kids of all ages. I used it for my 7 year old DS, my 5 year old DD and will be reviewing the early pages for my newborn DS who is expected to arrive in December.
Good for you for trying to find some balance! You will find just the right way to make it work, just be flexible, as no doubt the routine will change as soon as it’s perfect!
maryn kay riley says:
This is how I accidentally got my oldest son to sleep through the night. He was a bottle-fed baby (his request not want I wanted). When he woke up in the middle of the night I usually went to him first, changed his diaper and then made the bottle. One night in my zombie like state, when he cried I made the bottle and then went to his room. Son of a gun if he hadn’t fell back to sleep. From then I on for night and naps, I let his cry/fuss for five minutes or so — if he really revved up the crying I knew he was serious — if not he went back to sleep on his own. He was sleeping eight hours a night at about seven weeks old and taking two 2+ hours nap during the day.
Anna says:
I also LOVE the book Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child!!!!
Eileen says:
My husband is active duty military and we have 3 year old twins. He was gone when they were born and spent most of their first 2 and 1/2 years out to sea. When he would come home, I would basically be so run down that I did not even have the energy for me time. We soon realized though that for me to be anything to any of us, I had to get out. About once a month (along with the occasional mini-me times- grocery shopping alone, running errands), he takes the girls on an adventure and won’t bring them home until I call him and say I miss them. (The sun has usually begun to call it a day by then.) If I want to go out and have a fabulous time, I can. If I want to watch Bravo for 10 hours straight, I can. It is my recharge.
What was hard for me to understand is that, yes, I am kicking it with the kiddos all day, every day…..but the big guy needs a suitable break as well. I think it is hard to see the needs of your partner proprely when you have kids. For us, it almost became an ugly, jealousy, what about ME conversation. After much discussion, we both came to realize that the other needs this time equally. We had both gotten lost in trying to get what we wanted for ourselves instead of trying to figure out what was going to work best for us as a team. It is a fragile balance and one that requires us to constantly voice what we are feeling, in a manner that is not accusing or aggressive. And we are so much better for it.
I hope you find your balance too.
Amy says:
In most cultures and through most of history, women have not been solely responsible for the care of a child. The stay-at-home mother is a recent phenomenon having a lot to do with urbanization, industrialization and the separation of extended family units. ‘Traditionally,’ children were cared for by people who helped their mothers out so mothers could engage in other activities: these helpers included aunts, siblings, grandparents and community members. These days this approach has been replaced largely by daycare, with all its benefits and costs.
Any family members or local friends who’d be willing to do a little informal care sharing? Even for an afternoon every few days?
When our daughter was born we pushed people away, and jealously guarded our access to her. She was ours, and we didn’t want other people interfering. Then, after she was about six months old we started to share her around a little. Now she’s 2, and spends a few hours most days visiting a nearby grandparent, who is delighted to spend time with her only grandkid. Our daughter loves this time, too, and (to be quite honest) so do we (we both work largely from home, and the compartmentalization has worked wonders for our ability to get things done).
Hope you’re able to get some help — casual babysitting, an occasional nanny, trade-off with friends, family members who can take Annie for a few hours.
InDueTime says:
I like the idea of a nanny-babysitter type helper. Maybe they could come an hour before Mike gets home until an hour after Mike has been home. This will give you the overlap of time.
Its tough, but just remember the little things. Take it day by time, and if that’s too much, go hour by hour.
Hang in there. Love ya Heather!
Lea says:
Oh, dear lord, I wish I had a solution! I have 7 kids and a dh in the Navy. For some freaking insane reason he thinks his job is harder than mine, HA! Whatevs. At least he can take a crap without having to schedule it. I find that being able to bathe is a luxury…it doesn’t seem fair to me but what do I know.
I had never planned on being a SAHM but we moved to a new state a year and a half ago and I promised I wouldn’t work part time anymore (which was really my little bit of sanity). It’s interesting, to say the least.
rhonda says:
Don’t promise anything!! Especially if it eeks away at your sanity. haha!! He only says his job is harder because he’s never done your’s for any length of time…I’m sure! haha! But, don’t let him talk you into Crazy Town!!
Karen says:
I have been a stay-at-home mom with a part time job in the home and occasionally out. I am married to a man who has a very successful career, and believes whole-heartedly that the care of the children is mostly women’s work. He’s a great father, always there for his kids.. but the general cooking, cleaning up after, feeding, diaper changing, school organizing, errand-running, etc. etc. etc. has always been left up to me. That’s not the best scenario… and it’s been a great source of frustration and more than a few arguments…
I think, if Mike is willing to give you an hour after he’s traveled a two-hour commute and worked, you’re doing really well. Atleast you are talking about it and finding compromises for each other and I can see from your posts that he is a diaper-changing kind of man. Keeping talking to each other and compromise for each other and you’ll get through this just fine.
Allison says:
I agree – if he’s giving you an hour, that is pretty awesome. More than many Moms get. My husband doesn’t get home until after the kids go to bed.
Eric says:
Seriously? Is it still 1950? I’m ashamed of my gender, based on a lot of the comments I read here.
Maybe it’s different because my wife and I both work 40-hour weeks outside the home. But from day one, I have always been an equal partner in the parenting of our child. We split everything 50/50, right down to taking turns putting our 4-yo to bed each night.
The only part I didn’t do 50% of was the breast-feeding. But even with that, our daughter was on bottles early on (preemie, spent 3 weeks in the NICU) and so I was involved in feeding nearly from the beginning.
Heck, when we had to get up to feed her every 3 hours (because she was so tiny) I made charts so that our time out of bed would be equivalent. “OK, you get up at 1:30, stay with her ’til 4:15, then I’ll take 4:15-7:00.”
I wish more dads would be equal partners in child-raising. Better for their marriage, better for their child.
Meyli says:
It’s really nice to hear this from a man
I think its probably the best thing a couple can do with a new child – learn to split things up, so you both stay (somewhat) sane! You learn to compromise and how to face each other while sleep-deprived and cranky, if you’ve never done so already.
Don’t worry Heather! You and Mike are doing great jobs so far! You’ll find a way to schedule in some more me-time.
Savannah says:
I have a question, do you have any suggestions on getting a husband to help out in the home without it sounding like nagging?
Becky says:
I had FMLA for the first 3 months of my son’s life and then I went back to work while my husband stayed home with the baby. He is disabled with CFS so initially (for the first year and a quarter) my MIL came to help for 5-6 hours every Wednesday and my FIL came to keep him company for 2-3 hours every Thursday. It was a lifesaver that helped my husband make it through the rest of the weekdays alone. I had to implement a 15 minute rule though because he would throw the baby at me before I was even completely in the door. I required 15 mins to put up my stuff, change, potty, wash my hands and maybe grab a snack before I took the baby. Now, my son is 22 months old and you can’t tell him to wait 15 minutes because he flings himself into my arms before I can put my purse down or close the front door. My husband thinks I’m the lucky one getting to go to work and be social. I’m anti-social so I think he’s the lucky one getting to be home all day. We like to play “dueling martyrs” sometimes. Really though we have up and down days. Some days we each take on extra so the other can get a break and some days we’re at our limit and not very pleasant to be around. We take it one day at a time and try to be flexible and creative to eek out some alone time for both of us. If the baby has an interest in something that will keep him occupied, then we try to milk it to find time for ourselves. It’s a challenge though because we’re at the stage where one of us has to be within sight at all times. We get by without my MIL now but it really does take a village sometimes. And sometimes you just go nuts. Luckily things change and as soon as you feel overwealmed it does get better again.
Hang in there….we all feel ya.
Amy says:
What a diverse population of readers you have! Twins, that lovely woman with SEVEN kids (wow). The balance thing is so hard to achieve. I’ve been away from Nate for a few days this past week and it’s been both liberating and difficult. When it’s just the two of us he wants to climb up my body nearly constantly and it’s exhausting. At least Graham will play with him for awhile when he gets home from work!
Neeroc says:
I was out of the house almost every day when I stayed home with V the first year. It was a bit of a break for me, and I was hoping extra activity would help to wear her out (she was the child that did not nap). Movies for Mommies (where they can’t hear your fussing kid over their own), swimming lessons, gymnastics, music appreciation, oh, and the mall. It was an hour a day or so, but the change was as good as a rest, and every now and then I got to talk with real, live parents and we saw our kids going through the same things at the same time (maybe not such an issue with you).
I also think a mother’s helper is a great idea, someone to watch Annie when you’re there so you can have the 5 minutes to do that other thing that’s totally frustrating you (like bathe or was that just me?)
I sure hope you find the balance that works for you guys!
Angie says:
This is a really tough one. I have been a SAHM/WAHM for 12 years and yes there are times when you do just need that break. It is important for you both to have that time the only other concern that I would voice is to make sure you get together time as well. You and Mike and all 3 of you. This sounds monumental and hard to schedule but it is worth it. If you each have alone time at night but no together time you drift because you don’t talk, especially because you have been together so much in the recent past. None of it is easy and the point is to do the best you can and work on it day by day.
Emily says:
Like Kate, I am not a parent but was a babysitter/nanny for many years. I also would go and simply entertain children while the mothers shopped or even stayed upstairs in their rooms and relaxed or napped! It is great fun for a babysitter to play with a sweet baby and a good change of pace for the baby also. If Annie will scream without you, however, you’ll have to leave the house or else your nap will be a wash…. I’m sure you can find a bunch of young girls willing to come over and play with her so you can get some time to yourself. We babysitters love it!
tonya says:
I’ve been a SAHM to my girls aged nine and five since the first was born. Before that, I taught and my days were filled with the wonderful chaos of a middle school classroom. AND socializing with my fellow teachers who were my best friends. I felt so lonely after my first was born, so blah. In my area, group playdates and mother’s day out programs are common. I soon learned that I did much better if we stayed busy and I had a reason to get out of my slob clothes. If I was forced to put on make-up and fix my hair. Get out! Meet other moms who are in your position. I am still close friends with moms I met at my first baby’s Kindermusik class. While classes and playdates may not provide you alone time, they do provide time to talk and bond with other mothers with whom you have a lot in common. And that’s almost as good as alone time. As for the ALONE time which is important, do your area gyms have child care? Ours do, and when my girls were Annie’s age, I’d take drop them off and go walk and talk on my cell phone or hop on the treadmill and read a book, and feel like a million bucks an hour later. My gym has a massage therapist, so I could even get a massage once in a while. Heaven! I also love the mother’s helper idea. She can be a neighbor child who is as young as nine or ten but loves babies and wants to feel grown up by helping. Get them set up and go take a nap or watch tv or whatever. I think mine was only eight, but my girls thought she was an adult. She was thrilled to be “employed”, they were thrilled to have a new playmate, and I was thrilled to watch a Lifetime Movie. Win for all. Being a SAHM is such a blessing for all involved, but it can quickly wear you down mentally. Just try to add a little more structure, talk to another adult (besides Mike) at least once a day, try to get “me time” at least once a day if only for ten minutes, and finally, remember that you are going to blink and she’s going to be headed to kindergarten.
saralema says:
I totally understand what you are saying. Dear husband is gone most of dear child’s waking hours, so it is all me. My me time comes when sprout is in bed, so I guard her 7/7:30 bedtime pretty fiercely, even if that means Daddy doesn’t get to see her much during the week. If she goes to bed much later than that, it results in night waking, which throws off the next day’s nap, and I end up with a crab apple on my hands.
So, in addition to a mother’s helper (I’m going to have to look into this!), I would suggest making sure Miss Annie goes at a decent time so you have time to yourself or to spend with Mike.
Jenn says:
The best thing I ever did was to enroll my kids in a Mommy Morning Out progrom. They get a few hours a week with kids their own ages and I get a break. Most places you can do as many or as few days you want. I also like the mother’s helper/nanny, if you don’t wanna take her to a program.
This helped a lot to let me get a break, then I was okay with letting the hub come home and unwind before I threw kids at him!
Anne from RI says:
My husband works 2nd shift.. so he gets the kids to school/daycare and i pick them up.. on weekends. we take turns sleeping in (i get saturdays, he gets sundays) so the other person has time to just lay in bed and not be a parent.. we also trade off getting up in the middle of the night (my son is 22 months and still doesn’t sleep through the night on a regular basis…) we also acknowledge the fact we each need time out of the house with no kids.. we’re great at giving each other time alone to recharge as individuals.. but as a couple we very rarely get alone time together.. that is what i miss the most..
nikki says:
hi heather:
i’ve been a long time reader of your blog but, like many others, never seem to know which words to put together to comment on the things you and mike have been through. this topic on the other hand, i have lots of words! i have 2 kids that are 17months apart in age (what the hell was i thinking?!). i’m a freelance graphic designer from my home office and had an awesome gig going before thing 1 came into the picture. before i blinked, thing 2 was here. that’s when everything started to go downhill for me. i was raised with a stay at home mom so i *knew* that’s what i wanted to do too…but it’s apparently not in my DNA. i was going crazy. literally. i have more patience in the morning and the kids behave more or less in the morning so the morning out programs don’t really help me, it’s the dreadful 3-6 in the afternoon that gets me. everyday. i found a day care that i can take my kids to from 2-6 for 4 afternoons a week. we couldn’t afford it so i talked to the owner and she’s in need of design help so we trade. she gets thing 1 and thing 2 for 4 afternoons a week in exchange for me designing the day care newsletter, website, etc. it’s beyond awesome. plus, i feel good that they aren’t full-time day care kids but they are there enough for me to get a break and for them to interact with other kids. i hate it when people tell me what to do or how to raise my kids but my suggestion to you is to find an outlet so you can maintain that (very) precious balance between you time and family time.
Amanda says:
Mother’s day out programs at local churches are a wonderful thing. My son goes two days a week for four hours (9AM-1PM)and it saved my sanity. Start looking into them now as the good ones fill up fast and there may be a waiting list. These programs are very affordable and the quality of care can’t be beat.
Trading babysitting with another mom you trust is a great option and take relatives up on any offers to babysit. Maybe a relative would like to have a regular “date night” with Annabel?
Jamie says:
I first feel the need to say that motherhood isn’t a competition. No one needs to buck up or suffer because someone else has decided they will. When I’m old and wrinkled and want to look back on the JOY not the “bucking up”, making due and misery.
Love the Mom’s helper idea. Are you in a moms’ group? I was in a great group in IL and having those ladies to talk to and comiserate with were priceless. Playdates might help tire Annie out, but at the very least you get some time with other grown ups. Which, I think, reduces your stress level.
My husband and I fought a lot about the down town thing when our first born was a baby. We both wanted that initial 30 minutes when he came home as “me time” and you just can’t both have that together. What has happened(and I bet this will be the case with you and Mike) is that we’ve kind of evolved. We take me time after the kids are in bed and we try to be reasonable about what we need. If things have gone okay, I let him decompress. If he’s had a good day, he comes in and takes over. If everyone’s had a bad day, we try to do something that the kids will enjoy(or at least put cranky ones to sleep for a few) so they’ll shut up. Trips to the playground work good. Park kid in swing and commence.
Summer says:
The hubs and I both work outside the home – IT!IS!TOUGH! But we have a routine and it works for us. He is up and out the house by 6, I get up around 5:30, get myself ready, get the kids ready and we are out the door by 7. I drop them off at my moms and head to work. The hubs gets off at 4 and picks the kids up and when I get home at 5:30 ALL.HELL.BREAKS.LOOSE! Not really, I feed the baby (almost 1) while he cooks dinner for rest of us, we all eat together and then alternate who cleans up and who plays with the kids. I do bathes and the babies are down by 8:30/9. THAT is when we get “our time”…sometimes we hang out together and sometimes I do my thing while he does his. We always go to bed together. This is what we do and it works for us….it was not always this way though. It just takes time getting the kids into a routine. We have two kids 20 months apart so, for the past two years – it has been a little rough. You’ll get your family swing soon – just as long as the little Miss complies.
Summer says:
Reading through the comments and for some reason – I feel the need to mention I am not the same Summer who has posted above. Just sayin’…
Betsy says:
I left my job as a teacher to stay home with my (now 1yr) daughter. My husband and I have found a fairly good routine. He gets up with her in the mornings and does the night time routine with her….and I get to sleep in every Saturday! I hired myself a babysitter from the college in town for 3 hours every Monday. I can do whatever I want in those 3 hours…pedicure, grocery shopping, sometimes I even stay home and sleep! It’s nice to have that time to get away and it’s something I look forward to. It’s important for us mommys to have time to ourselves! It took a while for my husband to understand my need to get away from my child for a little while, but in order to be a good mom, I need to have my alone time.
mamaseoul says:
I think giving him some time when he first gets home is a great idea, but maybe he should get 30 minutes, then you get your 90 minutes and then he gets the rest of his time after Annie is in bed.
That, and part-time help (babysitting and/or house cleaning), if only a few hours a week.
Lora says:
My husband is deployed, and will be gone for about 6 more months (on top of the 6 hes already been gone.) I have no one to throw the baby at, but in some ways I suppose it makes things simpler. I know I have manage it myself.
But my one piece of advice for keeping away the Stay-at-home-mom stir crazies is to get OUT of the house at least once every day. Grocery store, park, playdate, wander aimlessly around Target while showing random things to the baby…..anything really. Its the staying AT home that tends to make me and the little ones feel nutty and frustrated with each other.
Kirsten says:
I am at home with four year old daughter and 17 mo old twin sons. My husband is the sole income provider. I have a LOT to say on this topic. But I am on an iPhone, and as I peck this out the children are climbing on me, so bullet points.
1.) this is a universal struggle as old as the earth itself, you are not alone. We still struggle, with three kids we are now ” man-down” and the game has changed. This is something that only you two as a couple can decide what works, keep talking and voicing you needs. But it will never be perfect and it constantly changes.
2.) Babies are exhausting, and being around just one person all day long, no matter how old young or adorable they are, will get on your nerves. Try to get out with other moms and not be isolated. Outside human contact is healthy and necessary.
3.) I live and die by routines and schedules. Some if my sahm friends would die of boredom but for me having a set schedule keeps mecsane and allows mini moment of “a break” or psuedo break. Morning nap at 930, afternoon nap at 230, and glorious bedtime at 7 pm! We are now on the process of switching to one afternoon nap, and I may never shower again. But preschool starts soon , amen for that.
4.) make a date for yourself to go out without Annabel, like dinner out with friends, or a yoga class, or book club/wine night, as often as you can. Make Mike be a part of it if possible, he should be supportive and encourage you to have ” baby -free” time. Or enlist a family member if he is not on board ( and if he isn’t give me his cell number because I want to talk to him) . If you can do this once a week you will love it.
Kim says:
I second what Kirsten says!!!! Especially living and dying by routines. We started sleep training my daughter at 6 months of age, and it’s been a life saver! 7pm bedtime for the past 2 and a half years and counting.
Val says:
I read your blog while I’m at work (and supposed to be working!) I have to leave my 4 kids every morning and come to work (full time). I long to be home with them. My hubby also works full time. Maybe its because I’m “the mom”, but when I come home from work, I don’t need down time because I missed my kids so much. Seeing my kids re-energizes me and “fills me up” after the work has sucked the life out of me. (For the record, my hubby doesn’t feel the same way! He needs downtime.) Regarding your hubby….he gets 1 hour ALONE in the car! He should be using that to “re-charge” so he’s ready to take the baby when he walks in the door. Maybe some books on CD? Talk radio? Invest in satelite radio?? Whatever it takes- he needs to use that 1 hr time in the car to unwind. Good luck!
Anne says:
As a former Californian – a 1 hour commute in Southern California is seldom without stress, especially if traveling during the “rush” hour. Just sayin’.
Expat Mom says:
The best thing you can do is get someone else to look after Annie for a bit at LEAST once a week so you can just nap, shower or even go out and shop without a grabby baby. You’ll be happier, Mike will be happier and as a result, so will Annie.
Even an hour of alone time can give you back your sanity, trust me! We did the exact same balancing act for the first couple of years of my son’s life and the first few months of his baby brother’s . . . . I was home earning by writing and looking after two kids, my husband was working from 6-1 as a teacher, coming home to collapse, then going out again at 4 or 5 in the afternoon to work as a musician and coming home at 2 am. It was a very stressful time and I just about went insane trying to handle everything at home. Fortunately, my sister-in-law who lives on the same property would take the kids sometimes for an hour and I would just sit and do nothing, or write up a storm and feel happy and ready to love my kids instead of scream at them when they got back.
Ms. Moon says:
Balance is a myth, just like the fairness of life. That’s what I think. You get through each day and celebrate that fact and also the moments that were pure joy and the moments that were pure poop and maybe that’s the balance.
Gemini-Girl says:
when i figure it out, i will let you know.
emily says:
god, i wish i had an answer. my husband and i are going through the same thing. we both work but i have the hour drive so he’s home with our son a couple of hours before I get home. and as soon as i walk in the door he hands him to me. of course, i’ve missed my little guy and want to see him right away but then it’s like i’m “on duty” again. i dont actually get to relax until my son is asleep and, by then, my heads ready to hit the pillow too.
hopefully, as annie gets into a schedule where she naps longer, it will take some of the pressure off. but you’re absolutely right – you deserve down time too! keep us all updated if you figure out a routine – i’m sure many of us could use the ideas
Barbara says:
I’m not a SAHM. My husband works the 3-11 shift and my daughter is in daycare and mimics my shift so I’m with my daughter every evening and all weekend long. Most of the time is by myself. My daughter is 4 now but it took us a long time to get a routine down so that everyone was happy.
My Mom and my husband’s Mom were both SAHMs and although they both admitt they would not trade that time with their children for anything, they both realize how hard raising a child can be. They take Gillian whenever needed if I need time alone or if my husband and I want a date night.
I use to have guilt about asking someone to take her but now I know I need that time away and the grandparents need that time with their grandchild.
RobinG says:
I’m mostly a SAHM to my 27 month old but I also WAH for an hour or two per day. When my daughter was under 1, I felt a lot like you did. My husband and I had an agreement that when he got home, he got 45 minutes to regroup and then he was mine! What helped a lot was having her bedtime at 8PM. That way I got 2-3 hours of “me” time or time to spend with my husband. Now that she’s 2, I can spend 20/30 minutes online to check facebook or whatever while she plays. She also goes to preschool 2 mornings per week for about 5 hours.
Midwest Mommy says:
It was hard when my kids were babies. Now they are 4 and 2 so when he gets home we both spend about 90 minutes with them together and then ship them off to bed a little early. That way from about 8:30-10:30 we both get our downtime. It’s hard. I’m curious to see what others do.
Ragan says:
Hey Heather,
Not that I am a pro by any means but I must tell you I have gone from SAHM to work mom back to SAHM in the past 15 years. I can say that SAHM is more tiring for me than working outside the home. What saved me when I had babies was friends. I made it a point to have play dates, going on walks, to the pool, to the park and so on. Also, I got involved in a MOPS program at church which gave me a 9-12 time once a week for someone else to take care of my girls. It is hard especially when they aren’t always happy. When I got pregnant with my 2nd daughter I was put on bed rest from day one (she was my 7th pregnancy). I had no help and my husband worked 12-14 hour days. He would set me up in front of the tv area with all of Rainey’s stuff and food. It was challenging but Rainey was a trooper and did better than I ever expected. Then having a 4 year old and a newborn presented a bunch of new, fun challenges. When I got pregnant with Ella when the girls were 6 and 2 I had to hire help. I was on my back again from day one. I hired a high school student that came to my house after her lunch and she got credit for it. It was the BEST thing ever. She was a Godsend. I kept her until Ella was 1 year old and after she left it was challenging being that Ella has special needs but it was doable.
My tips….surround yourself with friends and loved ones. Don’t feel guilty about being overwhelmed! Don’t feel guilty for needing alone time. Teach Annie to have self “play time”. We did “alone play time” where the girls would play by themselves for 30 minutes to 1 hour every day. At the beginning I used a pack and play with some toys and then as they got older (and safety wasn’t a issue) it was room time. They hated it at first but then began to love it. After a while I could put them in their pack-n-play and take a shower or go to the bathroom by myself. My friends were shocked that my daughter would play by herself and not need constant mommy time. Now they are 15, 11 (today) and 9 and they are very well rounded, sweet, self confident young ladies. They still will go to their rooms for “down time” and read or write for a bit to refuel.
The fact that they are now in 3 different schools, Elementary, Middle and High has brought a whole new set of challenges but I am open for any suggestions on how to deal with this stage
Good Luck and I know I don’t have to tell you but enjoy every minute of it…you will blink and then be driving Annie to High School! It happens way too fast!
Kristin says:
Kate’s idea is brilliant and, if it’s in your budget, I’d go for it. Being alone with the kids is freakin’ hard. I’m luck and my hubby does a lot around the house and it is still incredibly hard being the parent at home and (almost) never getting a break. It is part of the reason I stay up so late at night.
mp says:
90 minutes sounds like heaven–do you mean daily or weekly? Because either way, for a parent of a baby or toddler, that’s about as good as it gets. (But I will be very jealous if you mean daily.) I know you were probably wishing to hear something else, but the best idea that came out of the comments is the mother’s helper. I’m checking that option out today! (I have a 3 and 11 year old and both Dad and I work full-time.) What an amazing useful post!
At least you know you have company, Heather. The good thing is that if you decide that Annie will be an only, at age 4 or so, you’re going to get huge amounts of time back. Between the ages of 4 and 8, my first child our sole responsibility and it was super-easy. He was old enough to sit and chat at the local Starbuck’s, strong enough to take long hikes with Mom and Dad, could behave himself at dinner parties, and he went to bed early in the evenings. I never had it so good! Then I had A BABY. And when there’s two, I don’t think you ever get the same time. If the little one is quiet or asleep, I’m helping the older one with homework. Just saying this so you can keep that in mind if you’re thinking to ever add to the fam…as a friend said, once you add a kid, somehow it’s MORE than twice the work!
Christine says:
Hi!
I’m a part-time working mom with two small children – 24 and 4 months. So it’s a constant struggle to get some alone time and husband time.
What works best for us is when my husband gets home we play with the kids a bit but then work together as a team getting them to sleep for the night early. So if we have both of them to sleep by 7:30 – 8, then we both get downtime every night together and the babies get enough precious sleep. Really this what I recommend – early bedtimes has totally saved our sanities. Plus sleep begets sleep so it may fix Annie’s naptime length as well!
Good luck!
D Jones says:
I wish I had an answer for you, but my husband and I struggle with this all the time. We both work, but his job is much more demanding than mine. While he is a great help, he just isn’t around as much when it comes to daily parenting duties. I really struggle not to be mad and accusing at him, especially when I am so tired! Talking about our feelings seems to help. We seldom have a solution, but at least we know what the other is thinking.
Angela says:
Hi Heather,
I don’t normally comment, and it is hard to imagine having anything “new” to say about this solution, but I thought I would share what worked for me.
I transitioned from working mom to SAHM with two premature baby boys. They are now almost 8 and 6 years old. It was much harder for me to leave them as infants than as toddlers or now school-agers.
When they were small here are some things we did in our family to help:
1. Hired a youngish gal to be a “mommy’s helper”. Basically, this young girl (sometimes only 11 years old) would be getting babysitting experience, but I was there. I could fold a load of laundry in peace while she did a puzzle with the kids or read books.
2. Hired a more experienced sitter to come a couple of times a month so that I could run errands or do whatever without two little ones in tow.
3. Joined a health club with awesome on-site childcare (up to 2 hours each day). Most days I use it while I work out, but I’ve used it while I conduct phone interviews, catch up on email, or have a cup of coffee.
4. Joined a mommy’s group. While this doesn’t actually get you time away from your child, you might be surprised at how much less work it is when your child is playing with another child. Many of the mommy groups by me do a child swapping thing too to give the mommy’s a break.
5. Truthfully, we are at the end of a long (fun, but exhausting!) summer in our house. I am with two little boys all day for 14 hours a day. When my husband comes home, we eat as family, I clean up and then I go out and let him put them to bed. It may not be fair to “push” the kids on him after a long day of work, but by hour 14…I simply can’t do any more.
Hope this helps!
Angela
Jennifer says:
My kids are 18 months apart at the ages of 1 and 2 right now so my day is pretty hectic. They start getting really bad around the time I’m trying to make dinner and the one year old is burying his head in my crotch screaming and begging to be held so I am absolutely guilty of throwing my kids at my husband when he comes home. I basically tell him that if he wants me to cook, then he can watch the kids otherwise he can starve. On the other hand, I don’t really feel bad about it because my kids have a solid sleep routine that we implemented early on and they both go to bed at 7pm and sleep until 7am and so we have a good amount of wind down time together at the end of the day. My husband is also responsible for baths since he gets home around 5pm, it’s the one thing he can really do to help me out while I’m picking up after dinner. Sure, sometimes my boys come out smelling not so fresh and so I make little visits in there and “help out” a few times a week… but at least he’s pitching in.
Jenni says:
How early does Mike get up? Is Annie up before him? Having Mike take morning duty might help – you could sleep in/get a shower, and he can get good quality time with her (I know my babies were always best in the morning.)
The above does not work for us, since I’m up earliest, but my husband does bath time with the boys, and then I do bedtime (or vice versa.) This way we both get a break and we also both get some time with the kids on our own, which is nice too.
The Suburban Housewife says:
We have four girls, and I am a full time mom. When my husband gets home from work, he takes over kid duty for an hour or so. He gets to unwind during the 30 minute car ride on the way home from work. He used to stay up until 2 or 3am to write and read, and work on his websites. Now he goes to bed earlier, but he wakes up at 5:30 and goes out walking, and then does all his writing. He was laid off almost two years ago, and was home for several months. He knows what goes into the job of a full time parent too. He knows that when he walks in the door, it is time to give me a break, and he is fine with that.
Hazel says:
Heather, it IS difficult. I had twins and my husband was in the military. Since it did not make economical sense for me to go to work to pay the baby sitter, I stayed home. While I can look back now and appreciate that time, it was hard to do so while I was living it!
He worked long hours (his commute was only 5 minutes) and he would come home and help with the babies. I would cook dinner and then afterward, we would sit on the couch, my daughter usually in his lap and my son in mine, and we would watch tv together. I noticed though that once we moved and his commute became 1 hour each way, the help became nonexistant. I did my best to overcome by reminding myself that I would rather be with the kiddos than at work all day and eventually I adjusted.
I really think that a long commute is probably the most draining aspect of a work day and that probably has alot to do with why Mike needs his downtime. Just do your best to overcome this. Empathy is a powerful tool and always helps me to deal with burden that is not always fair. Perhaps, once he gets home, you and Annie can take a nice walk and give him his space. It will refresh you and I am sure Annie would love it. Whatever you decide, the best of luck to you!
Dawn says:
Both my husband and I work full time and we still have the same struggle. In fact I read him the riot act the other night about how I just need more help around the house. We try to trade off nights out after the baby goes to sleep. And struggle to get a date night in at least once a month. It is a constant struggle and I know we don’ have it figured out, but we try to listen to each other and help each other out as we go. It is exhausting, but at the end of the day our almost 2 year old is completely worth it.
Susan says:
I have 3 kids, now 11, 9 and 6. When the 6 y.o. was born, my husband was leaving at 6 a.m. and coming home at 8 p.m. or later. The first two years were really difficult for me. Finally, I’d had it and enrolled my then 2 y.o. in a parent’s day out co-op 2 mornings a week. They took children from 6 mos. thru kindergarten age, and they really saved my sanity and possibly my marriage. If you could find something similar or someone to trade babysitting with regularly or a babysitter to hire for just 2 or 3 hours or more per week, I think you’ll feel relief AND you’ll be a happier mom, wife, sister, friend, etc.
jeannine says:
Great suggestion. Parent PReschool Co ops are awesome.
Melissa Dix says:
My husband and I both work outside the home (although I am blessed to work from home on Fridays) and both put it 40-50 hours per week. Our son is 2.5 and is in daycare three days a week, with Grandma one day & home with me the last.
Each night when we get home from work we count the chores & add in things we need to do with/for the little guy. We split it down the middle, if it’s an uneven number one of us “takes one for the team”. The end goal is to have T in bed by 8:30, chores complete and have an hour and a half to relax and enjoy each other.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t but either way it feels good to tackle it together. It usually results in some alone time (thought not usually 90 minutes) and we each get to do something fun with the little guy. Last night I got bathtime with T and lunches (mine and my husband’s). He took dinner clean up, plant watering and story/reading time. I make dinner most nights, and he spends time with Teagan while I cook. I spend mornings alone with Teagan (husband goes to work VERY early) so it was good trade mix of Mama and Dah time yesterday. Sometimes it’s much more lopsided.
Routine seems to make the most difference for us. I like knowing what to expect and, again, knowing that I’m not in it alone.
When the teens are around (we have joint custody of my 2 step kids) things get a little crazier. But the divide and conquer approach seems to work no matter how many kids or chores there are in the house.
Good luck!
Sarah in MT says:
I am a SAHM with a 21 month old daughter and 4 month old twin boys….and I can TOTALLY relate. By the time my husband gets home, I want to run for the hills and never look back. I’m exhausted from my day and of course so is he. While I don’t feel his job is any less important then mine (okay fine, I do feel that a teenytiny bit!!) we have found its important for us to have alone time away from each other and alone time together away from the chaos of the littles.
What works for us we have “date night” every Thursday and go to dinner or get coffee or something. We try and talk about the kids as little as possible and just focus on us. It is really nice to have a meal where we aren’t trying to have a convo over the screaming or picking up things off the floor that are repetedly thrown over and over. A girlfriend of mine and I trade babysitting and we watch their kids once a week so they can do the same.
We also have one night a week for each of us to get away while the other stays with the kids. Sometimes I go have a drink with a friend or just walk around Target or whatever. Its good to get away from the madness and clear my head.
Mothering is hard and even more so when its your full time job. It took me a long time to get over the guilt I felt from just wanting to get away from it all. But I feel it makes me a better mom and wife!!! Hang in there cause you are NOT alone!! You are an amazing mother and wife….Mike and Annie are lucky to have you :):):) Lots of hugs and warm thoughts!
Erin says:
My husband and I have two little girls that are 1 and 3, so the parenting is still very much in that high maintenance stage. My husband is a high school teacher, so he’s home with the girls for three months in the summertime. Our compromise is that as soon as I walk in the door from work, I get 10 mins to take off my work clothes, wash my face and put on my jammies. And then, they are mine so that my hubby gets a break. I instituted this rule mainly because I missed them so much. So I take the lead in getting them ready for bed, reading the bedtime stories, brushing the teeth, etc. It’s not like my husband doesn’t help for this 90 mins period, I just make sure to take the pressure off so that he’s a helper instead of the number one in charge.
After the girls are in bed, that’s my time. though, we usually spend it together. Which makes me a happy wife. For my downtime, I take my lunch hour, my drives in the car, and staying up a bit later than I normally would. You and Mike sound as if you’ve got a pretty good dance. Once Annie has a permanent “bedtime” that may help?
Jackie S. says:
Wow, wish I had an answer to this. I’m a divorced mom of three and I haven’t heard from or received any child support from my ex in over a year. Since I’m completely responsible for my children’s needs, I work full time outside the home. I moved for a job a little over a year ago, and now I’m in an area where all my family and friends are a 12 hour car ride away.
When I don’t get alone time, I get very edgy. I work an extremely stressful job (emergency dispatch), and need to decompress when I arrive home.
Luckily my oldest is now 15, and he’s able to help me out so that I can get a 1/2 hour or so away from my 8 and 6 year old kiddos. Every year it gets a bit easier- it will get better for you too! Keep your chin up, and I hope you find something that works for you soon.
Andrea says:
I think you just kind of get use to having to juggle it all! At one point I was working full time, a full time student (online) and still had to make sure everything ran smooth for my 2 kids.
I’m the kind of person that doesnt like to ask for help either, though! I think dad should realize we arent SUPER Women even if at times we think we are, and offer to help or just help! When I do ask for help and its not done immediately, Im not a happy person! So I rather just do it myself and skip getting worked up about his selfishness, because after all what Im asking him to do is more important then what he’s doing
I do have a 7 year old little girl that is the biggest helper, Im very lucky and I dont have to wait or ask her more then once!
KimPossible says:
LIFE is a constant balancing act.
I know a set plan of who does what and when works for some people, but not so much for us. Because the thing is I don’t know and can’t predict when it’s going to be a tough day for any of us. For example say my Tuesday ended up being a crappy day at work and all around blah yuck day – but it’s not my turn for some relaxing mommy time until Thursday. Well that means that Tuesday my hubby and son don’t get a very happy mommy and the evening could easily go to hell in a handbasket. So instead we both have the leeway to say when we need a little downtime – it might mean hubby gives son his bath instead of me, it might mean ordering in a pizza even if a meal has been planned out because noone feels like actually cooking, it might even mean *gasp* letting our son watch tv for an hour so we can all have a little time to decompress.
As someone who likes to be organized, have a plan and follow it, and may or may not have some slight control issues this whole idea of “playing it by ear” was a hard one for me to latch onto. But i have to say it has made us a happier family. We roll with the punches, trying to have a semblence of a schedule but also be willing to adjust based on moods and cicumstances.
In summary, husband and wife need to be a team, be cognizant and respectful of eachothers needs, and make a harmonious house the priority. And if this means your house is sometimes a mess, your clothes aren’t always ironed, and your kids eat less than perfectly and sometimes watch a little too much boob tube – SO BE IT!
Ashley says:
Oh the joys of balancing it all! In our house we have 2 girls, my husband works full time (50 plus hours a week) and I also work. I work in a business office, which happens to be owned by my parents and I’m able to take out kids to work. It’s like taking a SAHM and a Working Mom and putting them in one of those horrible food infusing infomercial machines and out I come. Taking the girls to work, can at times be harder for me than staying home with them. They still want the time and attention but I also have papers that need attention, clients that want to talk and oh, a few people to pay.
We do our best to divy up the spare time, I’m pretty lucky because when my husband comes home he’s itching to snatch up a kid or two to play and lets me have an hour long bath. I also grocery shop once a week alone with my Starbucks. It doesn’t sound like much but it’s where I find my sanity. In return he gets to tinker on whatever vehicle he’s managed to break on the weekends and he’s happy.
Good luck finding your balance! It takes time but it’ll eventually fall into place.
Kristi Lewis says:
Being a mom is the hardest job I’ve ever LOVED! My husband is active duty military and a part-time student. 2 days a week he goes straight to school after working a 12 hour day. On the nights he is home, he has loads of homework! We have 4 little boys and I am exhausted at the end of the day!! My husband takes over one night a month and I go scrapbook. But I decided I need something just for ME… I’m going to take piano lessons! I’m so excited! A lady in my neighborhood is willing to do lessons at 8:30 p.m after the kids are in bed! No matter how much you love your kids, everyone needs a break!
Kelly says:
I have a 4 year old daughter, an eighteen year old daughter and a fifty-one year old baby/husband. My biggest helper, my oldest daughter, left for college a week ago yesterday. My husband works retail, so he is gone crazy weird hours, and I work full time too. Last weekend, was the first weekend, where I had to take Mea with me on all of my errands. It was insane. I guess I’ll be getting used to it….
I’ve lost my kitchen help, my laundry help, and part time babysitter. I think I may need to hire a live in.
amy says:
And thank your older daughter for all she has done for you in the past!
Gale @ Ten Dollar Thoughts says:
My son is almost 2, and my husband and I both work full time. We have a wonderful nanny who takes great care of our son. So our situation is not exactly like yours, but we will have to work hard to maintain balance. Our solution: we’re schedule addicts.
I will say at the outset, we are both routine oriented and planners. So this works for us. It may not be your gig, which is totally fine.
Someone has to be home by 6:00 to let the nanny off, so we take turns. I’m home by 6:00 on MWF and my husband goes to the gym. I get to do my workouts on T/Th and he’s home by 6:00. On Saturday I get up with our son so my husband can sleep in. On Sundays husband gets up with son so I can go for a run by myself.
There are days that things come up and we have to switch off our weeknights. There are times when other things are going on and the whole plan gets chucked. But for the most part this works really well for us and keeps us upright and sane.
Maybe you and Mike could work out some deal where certain days of the week he knows that he’s responsible for Annie in the evening. And the other nights she’s on your watch and he gets some down time. Lots of churches have Mother’s Day Out programs which you could also look into. My mother was a SAHM and I know those programs were her saving grace.
Good luck!
Tracey says:
I was a the bread-winner in my family for 5 years, then got divorced and became a working single mom. Met my new hubby and decided to try being a SAHM….they are all hard!!! Each choice had their own unique set of challenges.
I thought being home would be great, little did I know that I would become a slave to my family. When we both worked there was a balance not so much anymore.
I’ve started working again and I’m still doing everything and trying to get that “balance” back.
I really like the idea of a mommy’s helper. I think I’m going to try and find someone for my daughter to help out (she is almost 12 and wanting to babysit)
Mary says:
Yeah…we have trouble with this every day. My husband complains when I throw the baby at him when he walks in the door, but I tell him I didn’t get to have a minute to myself when I woke up and had the baby right off the bat. It’s so tough. One thing we try to do is get a babysitter one night a week so we can go on a date.
Another thing we have done is take turns going to movies on Sundays. He goes while I stay home with the kids, and then literally the moment he gets home, I walk out the door to see a movie. Sort of nice to have that alone time every now and then.
I wish there was a solution to this…I feel like I’m always mad at my husband! But it’s nice to know we are all in the same boat.
Audra says:
I think the fact that you’ve given each other a whole 90 minutes is amazing. It may be precarious, but your cards are standing. A lot of times I feel like mine have not only fallen, but been lost in the cushions of the couch.
Mary says:
Heather,
My husband and I are in the same boat — in the exact reverse. He is a SAHD to our 19 month-old and I have the hour each way commute. In addition, I have a lot of travel during certain times of the year so he is often our daughter’s main evening caregiver, too.
Our schedule is this: I wake up first and after getting out of the shower I change our daughter then she stays in our bedroom playing by herself while I put on makeup. Then I get her and I fed and leave for work. When I come home, it is normally my job to make dinner (as well as take care of preparation and clean up) and care for our daughter as soon as I walk in the door until bedtime. For me, especially when I give her a bath, this time is my ‘down time.’ In addition, I do most of the care for her during the weekends.
However, in addition to caring for our daughter during the day, my husband does all of the laundry and most of the food shopping/errands. Not to mention the mowing the lawn, etc.
Nonetheless, sometimes I feel that he ‘throws our daughter’ at me when I get home. One person wrote that her husband has the 1/2 hour commute as his ‘down time’ but honestly, an hour commute in DC/Baltimore traffic is not ‘down time.’ How do we cope?
He has a hockey league that he plays and refs in every Sunday that means he is out of the house — with adults! — most of that day. In addition, as mentioned above, he does participate in baby and me classes sporadically and he has a ‘guys night out’ once or twice a month. And vise-versa — I have one night a week in the summer that I play softball.
It is obvious that photography is a great outlet for you — let that be one of your ‘adult time’ no questions asked Mike-cares-for-Annie times.
Will there be times that one spouse feels ‘taken advantage of;’ of course. But over time, we’re working it out.
One of the nicest things that we do for each other is that sometimes, my husband surprises me with dinner on the table when I get home. To know that he did that while taking care of our daughter is such a gift. Likewise, yesterday, I took our daughter out for dinner and some shopping, while my husband was able to have the house to himself and decompress.
These are unexpected treats that show each other that we still ‘get’ each other and appreciate that we are adults.
And remember, it’s only been six-weeks of the one-parent at home routine; it takes time to work out the kinks.
Katie says:
First, remember that the baby will not always be as needy as she is right now. Second, it seems to me that you are working, but you and Mike are pretending that you’re not working. I think it would add a sense of equality if you got yourself a workspace outside of the house (even if it’s Starbucks), hired a regular sitter, and gave yourself some dedicated work time every day. You can have the sitter take care of baby-related household tasks like washing bottles, changing crib sheets, emptying diaper pails, doing baby laundry, etc. Two working parents certainly isn’t easy, but I feel like acknowledging that you are actually working, and treating yourself like a working mom who needs some help at home, might improve the feeling of inequality that I’m sensing.
Good luck!
Katie says:
P.S. to Mary
It sounds like you’re getting the raw end of your scheduling deal!
Melissa says:
I’ve been a working professional for all of my adult life and being a SAHM is by far, the most challenging “job” I’ve ever had. A lot of people don’t understand why. Mentally, it’s not as challenging. But I am so wiped out emotionally and physically at the end of the day.
I have even sent text messages to my husband, “OMG, you are taking the kids as soon as you get home today. I AM LOSING MY MIND!” LOL
The best advice is to try to treat it like a job. My son gets me up before 7:00 so getting up and getting ready every morning isn’t easy. And since it doesn’t HAVE to be done by a certain time (like it would be for work), I often push it back, get busy and then feel gross, slobby and stinky for the rest of the day. Give yourself a deadline…”I will get showered and ready by 10:00″ every day. If that means putting Annie in her pack n play for 30 minutes with some toys and a Wiggles episode, so be it.
Schedule yourself things to do. Write them down…before kids, I was not someone who like schedules, routines or writing things down but it has added a good deal of sanity to the chaos. I tried playgroups, which I’m not giving up on, but had a hard time relating. Sorry, I don’t make my own baby food or crochet.
I also limit time wasting things for me…like surfing the net without a cause (stupid stuff) or watching just anything on TV. I thought this stuff helped me relax but I think it actually does the opposite.
One last thing, I’ve started taking one day a week where my husband takes the kids when he gets home and I LEAVE. I grab a coffee or smoothie, run errands or drive around. Listening to MY music and MY volume and being alone for a few hours really helps. I let my husband have a day like this, too…which he usually uses to clean up the garage. Whatever relaxes you, I guess.
I hope this help! Know that I totally understand…and feel free to email me if you need someone to tell you “YES! I TOTALLY know what you’re talking about”. Good luck!
jennifer says:
Have you thought about joining a mom’s group, like Mom’s International or Las Madres, or even making one? I very nearly lost my mind when i stayed home all the time with a baby. Mom’s groups will give you a fun schedule of outings, friends, and mom’s nights out that will make the burden so much lighter.
I also get time to myself on weekends. I wake up and leave the house for awhile, and do something I enjoy. It’s heavenly, and I look forward to it all week.
cindy w says:
All I can tell you is that the first year was SO HARD for us. So I’m totally sympathetic. It seems that when there’s a tiny baby around demanding constant parental attention, somebody always feels like they got the short end of the stick.
I don’t know what’s in your budget, but if there’s a way you can swing a baby-sitter every now and then, that would be SO worth it. Even if it’s just for maybe 2 hours once or twice a week, it would probably give you the breathing room that you need to recharge.
Also? I always thought the idea of “date nights” were silly (and they kind of ARE silly when you both work from home – what are you going to talk about? “How was your day? Oh wait, nevermind, I was there.”), but we just started doing them recently and I can honestly say that it has made a HUGE difference in how Dave and I get along with each other. We don’t do them often, maybe once a month, but it really does help so, so much.
Tara. says:
I have 4 kids, 9 and under. It’s a tough job being a Stay at home Mom. My husband travels a lot for work, so that’s always my first instinct, is to take off out the front door when he comes home.
I have found the best remedy for us is for me to make sure I get “me” times while he’s away. Take the kids to my Mom’s house, or find a sitter for a couple of hours. I can’t do it often because a babysitter for 4 kids is expensive. I find that even just getting out of the house and going for a drive or a walk can be good for all of us, a change of scenery. Maybe do it later in the day before Mike gets home and then you’re refreshed and might not be as tempted to just toss Annie at him and lock yourself in your room. We both take time for ourselves too at different times, but it’s good for me to get out more often. I’m social and can’t stay in the house for too long or I go crazy!
The other things that’s really important is to have YOU on a schedule. Go to bed at the same time every night and make sure you’re getting enough sleep. I know that’s tough with a baby, especially if they still wake up at night, but give it a shot each night.
Just find time to get out. Take Annie to reading time at the library. She will make friends and so will you. Find a Mom’s group and meet up with them. I think just getting out of the house will help so much!
Kathy says:
I didn’t read the other comments and I’m sure this has been suggested, but how about if you each schedule 1 night per week – put it in your calendar – as your “night off” (maybe even 2 nights per week each if possible). Go shopping, go to the gym, go for a walk – something that you can do that’s just for you and he does the same for himself – schedule a night out with his buddies or go wander around the book store – whatever “floats his boat”. Then, maybe, you can try scheduling a night every 2 weeks or so as a date night (maybe you already do this) to reconnect with each other.
Good luck – I know it’s tough.
Barnmaven says:
Do you have a regular babysitter so that the two of you can get a break together at least once a week? Together time that doesn’t involve a baby is important.
Swapping free time is good, but you also need extended time. Maybe you could pick two times a week where one of you could take over for several hours so that the other could get together with friends or go to the bookstore or do whatever it is that fills your gas tank. It doesn’t have to be a weeknight, maybe take Saturdays and have 4 hours for one of you and 4 hours for the other.
I know its hard. When I was still married we both worked, and we were both always tired. We weren’t good at honoring date night, and he was resentful if I went out without him. None of that is the reason that we eventually split up, but it sure made much of the time we were together miserable.
Amelia says:
I gave my husband bath and bedtime duties for the majority of the week when my son was about 6 months old. We’re still doing it this way and he is almost 2. That way, I have a bit of time to do dishes, clean up dinner, take out my contacts, and maybe even read a bit of a magazine before bed.
It really started to help when my son was a year old and I stopped breastfeeding. I didn’t have to go into his room at all except to say goodnight and get my kiss. Annie is only 7 months old – the routines certainly get better with age, and hopefully you and Mike will both get some alone time and together time after Annie’s bedtime soon.
Amy Collen says:
I am a SAHM too and it was really getting to me after awhile. My good friend is a (mostly) SAHM too but she always seemed very content with the situation while I was going batty. The solution? Well, when I talked to her I realized that her schedule including a lot of time with adults. She has her mommy night out, her husband has his, then they have date night, 2 days of the week she spends the entire day with a good friend and her daughter, she takes art classes (for her mom’s night out), and she works on the weekends. It is a very busy schedule for her but it seems to work :). For me I found that mommy’s night out and joining a mom’s group helped a lot, especially a very active mom’s group. I know that each day there is something going on. It gets us out of the house and interacting with other moms/kids.
There will always be other moms/people (my friend does that too) who say such things as, “You’re a mom and you expected to rest????” WHATEVER!!! YES!!!! Mommies need rest and downtime like everyone else!!! You will find it, Heather. You just may have to think of some creative solutions but you will find it :).
Sarah says:
Of course he needs downtime, but I think he needs to take the baby as soon as he gets home and changes into comfy clothes. Even though he’s working, he is getting a “break” from Daddy Duty and even the commute is some nice solitary time for him.
What we have done when I have been home with our son all day is that my husband gets home, changes, and takes him while I cook dinner. My husband cannot cook. Even though cooking is work, it’s a great escape for me and I enjoy it. It’s a little “me time.” Plus since he spent the whole day away from our son, our son craves time with him. Our son is at the age (2) where he is interactive and just delicious that my husband wants to hang out with him. Seven months is tough as they are just like you describe: on the cusp of big stuff.
Have you thought about teaching yourself to cook in time for Annabel to eat real food? It’s cheaper and healthier! And fun at least in my book.
Nanette says:
Don’t know if any of this will work for your schedules, but here’s what we do. We take turns getting up with Em — changing her diaper, getting her dressed for daycare and getting her breakfast. That gives the other parent a half hour or so to sleep a little more.
Em goes to bed around 7-7:30, and Brent doesn’t get home until 6:30 most nights. So he usually arrives in the middle of Em’s dinner. Em gets a pre-bedtime bath every other night, and B & I take turns giving her the bath. That gives the other parent a few minutes to decompress. We both get her in her PJs and ready for bed, and we take turns reading bedtime stories although Brent tends to do stories more often because overall I get more time w/ Em during the course of the week.
Allison says:
My time alone was always after the kids went to bed (Still is, but they are 4 and 6 and much easier now even during awake time). My husband helped, but never took them while I had alone time while they were awake.
So, early bed time is my advice. I always put my kids to bed at 8, and I went to bed somewhere around 11. So that gave me 3 good hours to look forward to every night. I don’t know how people do it going to bed at the same time as their kids.
jeanine says:
OH yes! I forgot to mention this. my other “me” time is from 8-10pm each night when the kids are in bed. I was too green to realize this with my first child and i kept her up till i went to bed, but now i realize we both sleep better on our own and that i need quiet time at night (to watch TV and blog and edit photos, of course!)
Lindsay from Boston says:
Reading this post and all these comments … I don’t know how my mom did it as a single parent. I’m in awe of her having a full-time job and still raising a (relatively, lol) well-adjusted kid.
And while I think that those with resources should absolutely seek out balance (it makes you a better parent), this also makes me think about all those who don’t have the resources (either financial or with family and friends) to strike the balance. Difficult stuff, right here.
Parents deserve more resources, they have the most important job around.
Laura says:
I’m a work-at-home mom, and my husband is in sales and is (luckily) able to work from home as well.
I go into an office 2 days a week. The other 3, I’m home. My husband stays home with our daughter 1 day a week (my parents watch her 1 day a week) and I’m home with her 3 days a week.
We keep in touch via texts or e-mails to let each other know how our days are going. Whoever is gone during the day will take the dog and baby for a walk upon arriving home, giving the at-home parent time to lay on the couch and zone out or do whatever he/she wants to do.
It’s a balancing act – working at home with a toddler is challenging, and both of us do it alone on different days of the week.
Sometimes we’re both working at home, and that’s great – but we outline our schedules in the morning so that one of us can take our daughter outside or into another room if the other parent has a conference call or a deadline to meet.
We alternate who gives her a bath each night and who prepares her dinner if we’re not eating at the same time.
I think it’s all about communication – everyone needs a change of pace and a chance to refresh their brains after whatever it is that occupies their day, be it time in an office, caring for a child, etc.
Jeannine says:
I have an almost-six month old (you and i shared pregnancies almost!), and a 2 1/2 year old and a 4 3/4 year old.
I also work Full time from home. It’s challenging.
It has taken me 4 3/4 years, a complete meltdown when i had my third, therapy and psychiatrists to realize that it is OKAY to need ME TIME.
I don’t know why i couldn’t grasp this concept before, but i felt completely guilty and like i was a bad parent for wanting to get away from my kids. Yet at the same time, a half hour at the grocery store by myself? And i’d be completely revived, patience-meter back in place.
Truth is, I need a break from them, and they need a break from me, too.
I’ve finally overcome this in part by enrolling my older ones in preschool part time.
As for “me” time … my suggestion to you would be to set aside one day a week where your mom, sibling, friend, fellow mom, someone you know and trust, watches annabel for you while you take two hours to yourself.
You might be like me and say “I dont knowwwww anyone they allllll workkkkk” but try and think outside the box. Maybe offer to swap for your friend and watch their child too, so they can also get some ‘me’ time. Even if its just Wednesdays from 4-5 pm, i think you’ll see it’ll make a big difference.
Another thing that might really help is joining a playgroup and getting out with other adults. It’ll help Annie “socialize”, too.
Good luck!!
Aunt Becky says:
Shit, girl, I don’t have any good options for you. It’s just hard. I do it all, Dave’s never home, I manage. Barely.
SlightlyPeeved says:
When my children were young and I was a SAHM, living overseas with family an ocean away and few friends (hard to get out and meet people when you have young children), my husband used to take over some of the childcare on weekends. He would oversee lunch and take them out to the park to play or for a walk (we lived in an apartment) so I could have some me time. Which I usually used to sleep. It was a win-win for all. He worked long hours so his time with the children in the evening during the week was very limited (he got home around 7/7:30 pm shortly before their regular bedtime). Their weekend time let them bond and they loved their “daddy time”.
Jen says:
When I found out that I was going to be able to stay at home after my daughter was born, it was a scary thought. I don’t have to work? Really? I had worked since I was 17 and now I was living a dream really? I mean stay at home mom who doesn’t want that title!?
I feel you when it comes to wanting to throw your baby at your husband as soon as he gets home. And trust me there have been plenty of times that I have done that very thing! I think we all have to remember to take the time to tell each other how we feel. Don’t hind it and make the situation worse. If you need time alone say so. Not in a mean way but Hey I have had a rough week/day do you think I could take the night off and do xyz? I think we have to remember to communicate as couples and remember each other. It’s hard when you have this person that counts on you for everything. I have made it a point to enjoy nap time to it’s fullest. I go in our bed room lay in bed and watch tv. The house work and cleaning can wait! I get it done. I need this time for my self and it’s made me feel SO much better! I often feel as most stay at home moms do that my husband will never understand what I go through in a whole day. He says he does but he never fully will! Not unless he spends a week alone with her!
I realized early on too that I am better off when I get up before my daughter gets up in the morning. I feel like I am thrown into my day if I wait. I get up early work out take a shower and get dressed. The shower and get dressed part are usually done after she’s up but my husband is wonderful enough to get her up and settled for a bit while I finish.
As hard as it is remember your selves ladies. Of course our children are #1 but so are we.
Everything will be great Heather. Take it one day at a time. The two of you have been through the worst thing that could ever happen to a couple and you are still together. That inspires me! I am not sure my husband and I would survive! Talk to him and tell him how you feel and keep taking those 90 mins! Hope that helped! Enjoy your day!
mosey says:
When my daughter was an infant, my hubby and I would share a day on the weekend. The morning would be mine, the afternoon his – to do whatever we wanted. Go out with a friend, exercise, nap, whatever. It worked for us until she was almost three, and we still try to do it one or two weekends a month. We make sure there is time (or a full day) to hang out together on the weekends, but make time for space for each of us.
Kelley says:
Dude…same boat. Husband’s job is 45 minutes away and he’s usually gone from 7:30 until 7:30 or 8. He’s been better now that I’m pregnant, but it took puking and doctor’s orders for him to buck up.
I’ve found that what helps me is just getting out of the house. I joined a gym with a friend (*gasps* exercise! The horror!) and I either work out with her at the gym or meet her and we walk at least 3 times a week. I nap when the child naps (which is, unfortunately, apparently on the way out), I’ve made friends with our neighbors (who love Paige and take her occassionally), and I’ve learned to just let things go.
Dave tries to help out more on the weekends…we pretty much just split those in half. He’ll take her in the mornings so I can get all the sleep I need and then we’ll both clean up the house at nap time. I end up dealing with the evening chaos, but as long as I’m rested, I’m good. My friends also “force” me out every once in a while for ladies’ night out and we make use of my parents (even though they’re over 3 hours away).
There are still days (and there were tons when she was younger) where I pretty much just throw her at Dave once he walked in the door, but it’s not happening as much now that I’m getting some adult time during the week. I do feel isolated though, because I only have a very small handful of friends in the area (if I count my neighbors that I’m just getting to know, I have 5 friends that live close…damn moving!), but we make it work.
And if you find the perfect balance, I’d love to know what you do. It’s hard being the parent that stays home, but it’s also difficult to be the working parent. At least you (and I!) recognize that. Good luck finding balance!
Stephanie says:
My husband, Sean, just went back to school. Before that, he was working out of the home part-time, and I work in-home (photographer & Managing Editor) all the time, so it was really AMAZING (understatement) for him to be home. Jasper (our son) and he have the most beautiful relationship as a result of this arrangement, and everyone was all happy and yay, life is sweet.
So, now he’s gone a lot, and there are 3-4 days of the week in which I am the only one home with Jasper all day long–for like 12 hours. I know that a lot of people do this, but it’s new to us, and we’re definitely trying to figure it out. I don’t want to play the “I’m with Jasper all daaaaaaay!” card, but I mean…I don’t get to work when I’m with Jasper, because I have a strict no-computer-when-Jasper-is-awake rule (unless we’re watching Sesame Street or something Jasper-focused). I imposed the rule, but it’s important to me that Jasper doesn’t feel secondary to my jobs or the computer.
So. I really have no advice, but this struck a chord but it’s something I’m experiencing RIGHT NOW THIS INSTANT and it’s new (it’s only been a week) and I don’t know what to do. The end!
Robin says:
Hi Heather. I’m new to your blog. I have a 7 mth. old, 2 yr old, and a 3 yr old at home with me. I think that 7 mths is a particularly hard age. They are rolling, trying to crawl, getting into everything, messy eaters, and you have to stop them from rolling over in the middle of diaper changes. I have found that the more adult time I get during the day the better. I go to a Women’s Bible Study one morning a week… it has free child care…. a little time away is good for both me and them. I also go to a playgroup one time a week. I have found that giving me some adult time during the day has helped me to enjoy family time when my husband gets home.
Rachel Whitten says:
I feel for you Heather, I’ve been there! When I was a stay at home mom, my husband came home from his job in the Army absolutely exhausted. There was no way he could take care of our son, and he didn’t offer. It was overwhelming for me because I saw him come home and get time “off.” But when you’re a mommy, you never have time off, even when normal working hours are over! It’s so tough.
I just want to encourage you, because often times it feels like those days are never going to end, that Annie will always be fussy and demanding, and you will always feel tired. There is hope though! She is working towards self-sufficiency everyday, even though at this points it’s incremental.
In addition, I also want to add that it’s easy to feel sorry for ourselves and blame everything on our husbands. You did not do that, but I know I’ve definitely been there. But we also have to look at things from our husbands/the full time worker’s point of view, just like your did. Yes they’ve been out of the house all day not dealing with a screaming baby, but they’ve also been dealing with a lot of other stressors, and they did it on top of a long commute (in Mike’s case) and didn’t get the luxury of doing it in sweat pants if they chose. So by the end of the day, you’re both wiped, just for different reasons.
You guys are both working hard, and it will never be fair, because life is not fair. One will always be shouldering more of the burden at one time or another. I love some of the suggestions here to hire a part time babysitter, or set a weekly thing up with a family member for one on one time with Annie while you get some free time.
I really admire you for your strength and your sense of humor. You’re a great mom, and you’ll figure it out. You and Mike are in this together, so stay strong together and help each other and you’ll both be happier.
Katrina says:
Okay, I didn’t read through all the comments because I’m tight for time right now, and so I’m wondering….am I the only one who think it’s OK to place the “baby” or the “kids” into daddy’s arms when he gets home?
Seriously, is our day never supposed to end? Are we to be “on-duty” 24/7? Doesn’t daddy get a lunch break with co-workers, perhaps sitting at some kind of eating facility, talks adult language, has a few laughs with others….and then HELLO…the drive to and from work? I don’t care if you’re stuck in traffic for an hour…you’re ALONE, aren’t you? in the car with your own thoughts? Maybe listening to a cool CD or perhaps a book on tape? Sounds pretty good to me! What about the breaks at work? by the good ole’ watercooler? How about when the guys at work come into your office just to say hello? That can turn into a 15 minute pow-wow of fun and jokes and perhaps some gossip.
My point: Us SAHM’s do not get that. Sure, we can get together for playgroups and socialize with other moms. But even then, are we FREE to just talk and laugh? No. We have one eye always on the baby (children) and are interrupted in our conversations about 16 times per 30 minutes on average. And let’s be honest, ladies….when the baby naps, do we nap? Um, about 99.9% of us will say NO. There is clean-up when the baby naps. Dishes. Laundry. Spit up on carpet.
So when daddy gets home, I have NO problem whatsoever telling him, “Hey…I’m off duty. Have fun!” and you know what? He does! For him, he has missed the kids while he was at work. He enjoys getting home from work and taking them all out on a bike ride. He enjoys taking them swimming, or just outside to play. That’s relaxing for him, believe it or not.
He realizes that with nine children to care for, my day never really ends unless he takes over for me. I love him for that. It makes our marriage HAPPY. It makes me feel appreciated. Most importantly, it keeps me from burning out. Do you think I would have had nine children if I was burnt out or didn’t enjoy it? I enjoy it because the burden isn’t entirely on me. I get breaks. I get many breaks here and there. There are times when my husband doesn’t come home for 3 or 4 days at a time. (he’s a fire fighter) And there have been times he’s been sent away on brushfires where he’s been gone up to 15 days. Those times are hard. But when he comes home, he always takes into consideration that I must be going stir crazy, and he takes over for me. Sometimes he sends me to Burke Williams for the day. Other times he sends me on scrapbooking retreat weekends. A smart man will realize that his wife needs her own time! Not only that, but daddy time with the kids is SO important!
Inna says:
I feel for you guys!
we had our son right after we moved to US from Canada.., no friends, no family and extremely colicky baby on our hands. I was going insane. At my lowest point, i remember calling my husband at work (at noon) and saying that if he was not going to come home right then, I would jump out of our window (I was serious). My hubby was great, without him I would have been in some kind of asylum for sure. At 8 month we started to sleep train my son, he was going to bed at 7:30, and then we would have ‘us’ time: relax, watch a show, have a cup of tea with something sweet. I was looking forward to the evening everyday. Now, my daughter is 11 months old. She is an easier baby, and i leave her with my friend once in awhile (like once a month) for 2-3 hours, so I could do whatever I want. i also go to the gym every other day, which has a daycare, leave both of my kids for 1.5 hours there, it makes me feel like I am not neglecting myself and I started feeling better psychologically since i joined.
Hang in there!
Tara says:
I have the same problem…my Baby Bear is about 6 weeks younger than Annabel, Husband works all the freaking time, and I’m up all day and all night with Baby Bear. We’ve not come up with a good solution yet either, and at this point, I’m thinking we’re going to have to just power through it until Baby Bear is about 25…or his younger sibling is 25, should we so choose to have another. How I’m going to do that sleep-deprived, no idea. I totally sympathize with you, I know we’ve had a few too many arguments about this very issue.
Emily says:
I’m right there with you, Heather!
I was working as a high school biology teacher up until the day my son was born (now 11 months old), so the adjustment to being a SAHM was interesting to say the least. It’s very strange going from classroom to classroom of rowdy teenagers, to a (usually) quiet home with a baby… But I completely agree that while it’s difficult, I’d be wishing I was at home if I was back doing my former job.
Now that my little one is crawling (and pulling himself up on everything), my days are much more hectic and I feel more and more like I need a break. Yet, like many others, I do think that there is still the tendency for my husband to leave the kid to me as long as I’m home … So, I make it a point to get “me” time by planning evenings with friends or even just taking solo trips to the store. If I’m away, it forces my husband to be the one “in charge” of the kid … Which, I think, is good for both of them. We haven’t gotten into any fights over our “role” as parents and partners, but it is still early in the whole kid-rearing phase of our lives. It really is a balancing act!
Holly says:
I’ve been a stay at home mom for a little over five years now. My hubby has always been the one to work outside the home. It was very difficult for me to adjust to caring for a fussy baby, the house and cooking dinner during the first year or so. I just really missed my girlfriends and taking long baths. My husband and I eventually figured out a way to serve one another so that we are both getting the down time and alone time we need. This looks different for every family, but for us it means that my hubby gives me typically one night off a week (more or less) and I try to give him a night off whenever he asks for it or I can tell he needs it. Right now, he gets to play basketball every Tuesday night, but he’s home in time to put our oldest child in bed. It’s a compromise that’s been a long time coming, but it finally works. The main thing is that we both try to consider the other while still being honest about what’s on our plates individually. I hope this helps in some way. I love your blog and your posts. I’ve been reading for quite some time, this is my first time to comment. Your daughters are precious.
DawnK says:
I am a WOHM and have always used high school/college girls to help with my kids, and I have a housekeeper who comes in every other week. It is the only way to keep my sanity. Don’t be afraid to get some help if you need it with Annie or housework or whatever. I have another suggestion as well. The next time you have to travel on Blog business for a few days, go by yourself (or take Mike) and leave Annie with your mother. Trust me, they will both LOVE it.
Laurie SL says:
Same boat here: I was at home for our daugther’s first 11 months. It was so hard, I thought I would just loooove being at home, but it was harder than I ever thought! I would give my husband 10 or so mins to get cleaned up once he got home and then he would give me 30 mins or so do my own thing. We would both help feeding the baby or getting dinner ready, bathing her and then I would put her to sleep. Now that I’m working again, I get our daughter from daycare & fed and then husband comes home and we both bathe her andget her for bed. I put her to sleep.
Don’t feel guilty about wanting down time or handing Annabel off to Mike when he gets home. You NEED time to yourself to make yourself a better (and sane) Momma.
One thing we do at home is my husband gets to sleep in on Saturdays and I get to sleep in on Sundays. That really helps with our sleep level and each gets to spend time with the baby
Alanna says:
I stay at home with my 2 boys (2.5 yrs and 12 wks) and some days I do throw them at my husband.
Three things I do that help A LOT:
1. make sure I leave the house everyday, even if we just get in the car and drive through Biggby for a cup of coffee
2. 2 yr old is in a mom’s day out program at a local church, once a week he goes to “school” from 9:30 – 2 pm, when Annie is old enough I highly recommend this (around here the kids can start at 14 months)
3. get involved in something outside of the house. I’m in a volunteer sorority (sort of like Jr. League), it forces me to schedule things for myself.
Lea says:
I think as Annie gets into a more defined schedule it will become easier for both you and Mike.
My husband and I usually have our baby down by 8:30pm and we have the rest of the night to ourselves. It works out great! But we wouldn’t have this if we didn’t have our baby on a fixed schedule.
Mindi says:
I didn’t read everyones thoughts here but here are mine.
First Heather you are a great mom. I am also as stay at home mom of 2. I have a 4 & 2 year old. The 2 year old have special health needs. My husband travels for his job and is home about 4 days a month, and we live 16 hours from any family. With that said, as hard as it is we have to make a mental note in our mind that home is where we want to be even on the hard days. I get my outlet by doing a few errands by myself, even if it is grocery shopping, I know not very exciting or fun. I know your sitution is very differnt and you have differnt fears than other mothers but even if you had someone come in an hour in the day or two just to play with Annie while you are around that might help. I have a neighbor girl who likes to come over play with the kids and that helps alot. You are still in earshot of everything that is happening but able to let you mind focus on other things. It does get easier but it will still be hard. I always try to keep in mind that my husband is still dealing with lots of things at work also and he needs time to recharge also. Keep you chin up everything will come in time and you will work through it.
ally says:
Mother’s helpers FTW!
Seriously. It can be a godsend.
catherine Lucas says:
Hec, I was pregnant of my third child when my marriage broke up…
I had two running around and one on the way. Came home from hospital and had to do it on my own… Don’t ask me how I did it. I just did. And I can assure you that I ran around like a zombie pooped out…
When the baby was a year old I went back to work, yes, with a bunch of babysitters, it was just too much, so I had to quit work to take care of the kids. On welfare… But we made it. I went back to work when they were older, it was still juggling, but what one has to do one has to do.
I have always wondered what it would have been like to have a husband to help out a little… ;o))) So can’t really answer your question. I only know that juggling is tiring… And when grownup (as they are now), they blame you for a lot of things… No winning as a single parent. You loose if you do and you loose if you don’t… drats!
Tricia says:
I just want to say that it’s really hard, right?? I’m the SAHM of a 4 year old, with another due December 6th. And I totally remember the 7 month mark being UBER DIFFICULT for us, too. It seems like Henry was just frustrated all the time, and he got bored really easily. Getting out of the house a lot helped me. We didn’t really have a reliable Mom’s Morning Out in town, but I did rely on my grandma quite a bit. Finding someone to take Annie just a few afternoons (or mornings, whatever is the time you’re most in need) a week, for a couple hours, will work wonders. I wanted to pledge my support…and tell you that you are doing an insanely wonderful job with Annie. And with writing, and working…you are raising another beautiful, funny, intelligent, kind little girl that will change the world. So I’d say…keep doing whatever it is you’re doing. It’s working.
Kristin says:
Hi Heather! I have two little boys at home- Jake is nearly 3 and Noah is 1 1/2. Unfortunately I don’t get to stay home with them, but I have experienced both sides of your dilemma. It is exhausting to watch a baby all day & it’s exhausting be in an office all day. Each situation is different and obviously a lot of it depends on the couple and their needs. I would offer you this- depending on what time Mike gets home from work and what your schedule is, why not plan to eat dinner as a family each night? Obviously if schedules don’t permit, that’s one thing; but my family & I try to eat together each night. It gives both parents some semi-down time (at least baby is in the high chair and not using you as a jungle gym ) and also allows you guys to catch up on each other’s day. Even 15-20 minutes at the table together is great. Other than that, try and go on a date night regularly. My husband and I are spoiled and all 4 grandparents live in the same town (NP, woop woop!) very close to us so we are able to do date night every week. Aside from time by yourself to decompress, I think it’s good for any relationship to get out and do fun stuff as a couple and reconnect every so often to make sure you don’t lose sight of why you got married in the first place. Maybe you guys already do that, I’m not sure. I don’t know if my two cents will help but I figured it’s worth a shot Good luck, and by the way, I know it’s already well-known across the globe, but Annabel is just the cutest little girl there is!!
One Panther to another
C says:
I’m that mom. Patrick walks in the door and I hand this cute guy off. At first because I needed at least a few minutes for myself. I work from home (photographer) but I feel like between work and the baby nothing gets my full attention and if anything ever does, it sure isn’t me. A few minutes to shower or eat without worrying about what else is going on is SO SO needed.
BUT BUT, nooooooow, it’s a whole new thing. V’s 7 months too…that age where he gets all frustrated because he wants stuff but can’t reach it.
AND the age where separation anxiety has set in apparently. So much so that he even looks at Patrick like “NOT THE MAMA!!”…and then screams. And he’s a really really mellow kid, so this is crazy and new. So now as soon as Patrick, or anyone else walks in the door, I give them the baby so he can have some time with other people. And realize that though I may leave the bedroom to go to the bathroom, I WILL come back! Add to that V has allergies and is breastfed (and refuses formula, though I tried recently). So when we had to trash my pumped stash (SOB SOB SOB). So, can’t really leave him for long. (My mom even brings him to weddings I shoot every three hours because we have little other choice.)
Me time is hard to find. I say take it when you can get it. I’m a nicer, more patient mom…less distracted and less crazed when I get even a few minutes TRULY to myself.
Kate says:
Honestly, how can you NOT toss a baby at the parent who’s bee gone all day? I do it all the time and I hate that I do. My situation is different though, my husband is gone for months at a time and then home for a bit so when he gets home I am like “MOMMY NEEDS A BREAK!!!!!!”
We are just now finding a balance, and my son is 2…he’s in nursery school during the day, and it seems to be the only way we don’t play baby football
I hope it works out for you guys!!
Mama Bub says:
I try to hold off from throwing the baby at my husband when he walks in the door too, although sometimes I have to physically hold myself back. We have a few things that get us through – we each get a weekend day to sleep in. Also, he takes bath and bedtime duty with the three year old while I have quiet time with the baby. Honestly, it’s much, much easier for us to get time alone, than it is for us to get time alone, together. I’m thinking that will have to wait until they’re in school and having sleepovers and we’ll start to miss these days of having no break.
Kelly says:
I agree with the people who said consider finding a part time mother’s helper for a few hours a week to give yourself a break. It sounds like you are working at least part time from home, plus taking care of the baby. There’s nothing wrong with a little help if you can find someone you can trust.
Oh, and thank you for your blog. Not so much for your blog entries, but for the few crazy ass people who feel the need to comment on your blog in a somewhat psychotic and bitter manner. Those people make me laugh, and some days I really need it. So thanks. I especially love the comments today accusing you of daring to want a little alone time when you have a baby. This is why I don’t have a blog.
AnnD says:
This is a huge problem in our marriage since we tandem parent (I work when he doesn’t and he works when I don’t). But, I think we are good at reading each other cues and being honest with one another. I just flat out tell him: “I’m not doing good tonight, I need some time to just be alone.” Or I’ll say: “I don’t feel like being a parent right now.”
Overflowing Brain (Katie) says:
So, I don’t have a baby, obviously, but I am no stranger to the need, nay the requirement of alone time. I think that it’s going to take time and good communication. Slappy and I have learned that when we don’t talk about it, we get upset with the other person for not reading our mind and that’s never good.
It’ll get easier, just keep giving it time. And if you need a babysitter, you have my number and I’m happy to come steal the baby for a while (or you, if you’d prefer).
Elizabeth says:
It’s sooo hard to find that balance – our boy is almost 20 months and it’s a constant struggle. I definitely breathe a huge sigh of relief when my hubby gets home from work each day, and he often hears me call out, ‘He’s all yours!!!’ LOL I know he had a long day at work, and I don’t mean for it to seem like my job is harder, but at least he got to sit at his computer desk for his work. And go grab a coffee mid morning. And go grab a bite to eat somewhere in the afternoon. Small luxuries you don’t even think of as luxuries until they’re taken away from you!!
The thing I find the hardest is this feeling like if I get an hour or two to myself, I have to almost work overtime in ensuring my husband gets that same time to himself. But I know it’s important for both of us to get that time, so we do try to each make an effort. It’s not easy though.
I tend to want to stay up fairly late in order to have a bit of time to myself, although as others have said that can bite me in the behind the next day because I need the sleep every bit as much as the ‘me time’!
Eventually everything will balance out though right? RIGHT!???! =D
Jenny says:
Alone time???? I get it every now and then, but it seems to be with a price. I have a 3 year old and I am 7 months pregnant. Lets see. I work full time, come home cook dinner, play with the boy, manage to clean, shower me and the boy. Bedtime…mommy is tired too. DH does “some thing” move, take out the trash and is trying to help with laundry….I lately I have felt like M does not stand for Mom but for Maid. I am on strike and lets see how long dishes sit. It would be nice is husband would take the boy and go do father and son thing but I just since he works too he thinks he can get off easy too.
Pati @ A Crafty Escape says:
I recently went back to work p/t after being a sahm for almost 5 years. It’s been hard to adjust but my husband has been wonderful. We redistributed the duties and came up with a plan so we can both enjoy our hobbies while still enjoying family time. It’s hard but you’ll get there!
erica says:
I have an 8 month old- Many days I look at the clock and am amazed it’s 5pm already. I used to mock stay-at-home-moms for not showering/cleaning/etc. I regretted those comments week 2! Cole is on a schedule. Not a strict one, but it helps. I know at 8:30am, 11/11:30am and 3pm, I will get my time. I can shower, check emails, read, do laundry… For awhile I was throwing him at my husband the minute he walked in the door, but realized those were the days I never left the house. I now try and take Cole on an errand each day (keyword, try). We go to the grocery store or just take a ride to the bank… He loves looking out the window, seeing all the colorful things in the aisles, interacting with other people and doesn’t feel trapped in the same room with the same old toys. It’s difficult to get out that door, but I find I’m much happier at the end of a long day. I’m sure my husband is too! Best of luck – This certainly is the most demanding job out there!
Kelsey says:
I am a mostly SAHM, though I substitute occasionally and have had two long term sub jobs in the last two years. I would like to work outside the home again – but it is just plain difficult either way. Our kids are two and almost six. We each get our “me” time after they are in bed. The downside is that we are very bad at finding “us” time.
Tara says:
Do you have family nearby that can babysit once in awhile?
My baby is exactly one month older than Annie, so I totally know what you’re dealing with. I am a SAHM too and we just do the best we can. It is just a season and a relatively short one in the grand scheme of things.
Our baby goes to bed around 7pm, so we really do get a nice break every evening. My husband helps me bathe the baby and put him to bed. If my husband is home during the day, he will watch our son while I shower or go to the store and that gives me a break.
Having Annie on a good routine will help you a LOT! Keep working on her naps…once that is fairly consistent, you’ll get at least 2 nice breaks during the day. My son naps an hour in the AM and usually 2-3 hours in the afternoon. That really makes a world of difference. I can get chores done and relax a bit too.
We do have bad nap days and days that are just draining and I am so exhausted. I try to always remember that this too shall pass and soon enough he will not be a baby anymore.
My mom will watch our baby so that my hubby and I can have a date night. We could do that once a week if we wanted to. Even just 3 hours away is huge for us. Maybe try making a date night a weekly thing you have to look forward to?
Tara says:
I just have to echo what Erica said about getting out of the house each day even for a quick errand. Those days are always better for us too. It forces me to take a shower and stay on top of other things.
I also meant to point you to this great website that helped me a lot. Check out the articles about naps and also independent play. Having a baby that will entertain themselves for awhile is also a nice break for Mom! Here you go: http://www.babywisemom.com/
Tandy says:
We have not come anywhere near finding the perfect balance for us, and my oldest is 8. I have learned to take advantage of the quiet hours at night when everyone is sleeping. My husband works three nights a week so that time is just for me. I also occasionally use a babysitter – often I take my girls to her – so I can run errands or even return home to clean or nap without kids underfoot.
I work part time and this gives me a chance to sneak in some time for myself every once and a while too. I think if you make it a priority, you will find ways to get the time you need.
Jen L. says:
I have not read all of the comments but I think that Mike needing 90 minutes when he gets home from work is a little much. I have been on both sides of the fence. When I was a SAHM, I was guilty of trying to dump the kid off on my husband as soon as he walked in the door. Maybe Mike could use 30 minutes to eat dinner and read the paper or whatever. For us, it works to have a strict bedtime routine. That way you have down time after Annie goes to bed to watch TV, blog, spend time with each other. Right now, we both work and after we get home it is all about the kids and then they go to bed at 8 sharp and we have time for ourselves.
Anita says:
I haven’t read the replies but in my experience nothing but time makes the difference. It seems impossible for each parent to fully understand the demands and responsibilities of the other. The infant stage was by far the most difficult (although precious) stage to date. My kids are now 7 and 5 and I look back on infancy with my first who sounds a lot like Annabel and wonder how the hell I did it without xanax. The sleep deprivation and the constant demands of an infant just, well, kinda suck.
It gets easier. But, having said that, I spent the summer with my kids with no real camps or schools or activities to send them to to give me a break. As soon as dad got home I took a walk – or made dinner – or did something while he entertained the kids. He needs his parenting time too. While he may need his down time as well – you certainly need time away to be your own person. I think time by yourself when he gets home should be fine – and then he can have some cool down time as well.
It does get easier! The less needy the little ones are the easier it seems to be – at least for us.
good luck!
Christina says:
I have 4 boys aged from 20 to 6 and through most of their growing years I have been lucky to stay at home with them, I completely understand the fustration of a lack of a break, there were times that even bathroom moments had little fingers sticking out from under the door and “mommy” being called over and over and over.
I just want to take a moment to look at it from Mikes point of view. Is he jealous since you get “all the fun playing with Annie” I can understand the need to have a chill out time after his commute, Caould he maybe take the Train? he wouldnt have to drive, gets to unwind, When I was working in the Valley I would take it from Santa Clarita , and it is relaxing then he could give you some time to unwind. or maybe he could do Annies Nightly bath, then it fun time for Daddy and Annie and mommy gets a Glass of WIne.
Katie says:
I recommend going on a family walk together when Mike gets home. I know that sounds totally cheeseball and I don’t even know if you live somwhere that you have a place to walk, but it is what we did. Our baby rode in the stroller, got outside, etc. We could either talk or we could not talk. Sometimes we held hands. Sometimes we didn’t. It felt good. Just both be on board to get ready and go so no one is waiting around feeling neglected. : )
Kristi says:
You are in a tough spot. I struggle with this same thing. It takes a lot of energy to parent and it’s so important to recharge those batteries.
I do have one suggestion. Try getting Annie in bed for the night at an earlier time. It make take a couple of weeks to get her used to the idea of going down earlier but if you are consistent with it, I guarantee it will work. Our daughter is usually asleep by 7:00pm and that has given me some much needed time to breathe in the evenings. It’s not quite the same as getting out of the house because there are evenings when I still feel compelled to do housework. The benefit of Annie going down earlier is that Mike and you will be able to decompress at the same time. No need to wait for the other to get done with “downtime”.
C says:
We thought about doing this…but for us it wouldnt work for two reasons.
We both need downtime, but Patrick wants baby V time too. And he gets home at 7. If Mike’s commute is long, that might be an issue too.
And V sleeps 10-12 hours at night, which is great! But kind of like torture if you have to get up at 5am, lol. We love our late days on weekends, when V lets up sleep til 8, 830.
Just Jiff says:
Like a lot of people have already commented, I too hire a babysitter every now and then so I can have some “me” time. I work outside the home full time, go to school full time, and my husband does the same. Well, he just graduated in May, but up until then… so anyway. I hire someone for 2-3 hours and Joe and I can go out together and sometimes we do things alone. It’s wonderful. Also, we have our routine at night. I pretty much take care of Bayley until she’s out of her bath. Then she lays down with Daddy and watches tv til she falls asleep, or he sings her to sleep, whatever. It’s his job to get her to sleep. That time is MINE. And then after she’s in bed, we lay on the couch and watch tv til WE fall asleep.
Heather says:
I just posted almost this exact same thing. We are from L.A. and moved to TX leaving behind everyone and everything we knew. Our daughter is almost 1 and I am home with her from 7am-7pm M-F and it is so hard!! The second hubby walks in I try to hand her off to at least go to the bathroom alone and she screams its been so hard so while I Have no advice just wanted you to know your not alone in feeling this its HARD!
Jenb says:
One thing that may help with Annie’s frustration and can be fun for you and her is teaching her sign language. It is amazing what they can pick up and communicate to you. And when they can communicate, less frustration! And it is a lot of fun.
Jessica Makuh says:
You are definitely not alone. My husband and I are constantly in a battle for time to ourselves. He works outside the home and I stay home with the kids. (I was less tired when I had a job!) Neither of us ever really wins. At least our kids, ages 1 and 3, go to bed by 8 pm and we don’t hear from them until 8 AM the next day. So, we always get that time to ourselves. However, we are usually so tired by then it doesn’t seem to count. Sometimes, I think there is no right answer. It’s just a constant battle until your kids are older. By the way, I just spent several hours catching up on your blog and my house is a mess! Now that I am caught up, I have some major cleaning to do.
P.S. I think you are just great! Keep up the good work.
eva says:
love this post because i am feeling the same thing – never thought in 100 years I would be that wife/mom who hands baby off when dad comes home but man you need a break and i understand he does too.. luckily for me he gets his break as soon as he comes home because he showers first than I hand off baby than she is in bed by 7pm so than i VEG THE HECK OUT!
loved reading everybodys routine
Alie says:
Cheers to you, Heather! Being a zombie is no way to enjoy being a mother! My husband is a Merchant Marine and is at sea 90 days at a time. I won’t lie, there are some dark days. BUT-even when he’s gone, we make it a priority to have some childcare just for me so that he doesn’t get an email at sea one day that reads: “Left for South America, am shipping the baby to you. And she’s teething. Enjoy.”
On the plus side, being the one at home means you get to see alot of the cool things develop, like walking and speaking and riding Rigby horsey-style.
Ashley says:
Hey Heather,
At our house, we are two working parents who are also both in graduate school. We have a 2 year old and during the school year, it. is. tough. to find down time.
But you get into a groove, as you have… and remember: what is normal this month may change by next month. Annie will continue to grow, and change, and her naps will get longer and things just seem to get easier. The challenges don’t ever “stop” but it seems like we are managing them better as my husband and I grow as parents.
Oh, and a child who can entertain herself for 20 minutes at a stretch is a god-send. Just you wait! xoxo
Jo says:
Two things saved me – when my husband got home, I would go upstairs for about 30 minutes. Sometimes to read emails or just read and sometimes I would do a little upstairs cleaning. It didn’t really matter what I did, I just needed about 30 minutes and then I was food to go. I also go out once a week in the evenings – the activity is different each week (book club, dinner out with friends, etc.). My kids are all in school now. This is the first time they all have been gone all day. I do work part-time, BUT I fell in NYC while at BlogHer and broke my arm and dislocates my elbow so I am on disability leave (I’m a licensed massage therapist and kind of need my arm for work!) so I am finding myself at a loss for what to do. I am doing pretty good at enjoying the quiet time. I do, to this day, still go out once a week with friends.
Oh and it may sound corny, but joining a moms group like Mothers & More was a total life saver!
Sheila says:
I haven’t read through all of the comments so sorry if this is redundant. But I think finding someone once a week who can watch the kids during the day for an hour or so for some personal time is great. Try getting outside help on things you can farm out, e.g. housecleaner once every 2 weeks (seems extravagant, but you can usually find reasonable cleaners and it is so worth it, gives you less stressed out time to spend with the baby). My husband and I switch nights for the nighttime routine of putting the kids to bed (that’s the idea anyway;) so we get some personal time every other night while that’s happening. But most important, find time for you and your husband to go out together alone at least somewhat regularly, once every 2 weeks, or at least once a month. All the things you are going through now with the baby are dynamic and constantly changing, but if you keep your relationships maintained well your family will be constant, reliable and always there for you even when everything around you is changing and moving.
MJ says:
I’m a little late to the posting party, but here’s my 2 cents’ worth, anyway.
Date night is UBER important!!! We make sure to get out once a week, taking the kids occasionally, but at least twice a month by ourselves. It’s SO IMPORTANT, Heather, it’s saved our sanity more often than not.
My husband just got his job, and we are both now working outside the house. The way we deal with needing time to ourselves and still taking care of the kids is day-to-day. I will take care of them until I just cannot deal with it anymore, and then my husband will assume baby detail, allowing me to sleep in one morning or whatever. It gets a little harried every now and then, but it’s worked out well so far. We both try to keep the other informed of what we need, and negotiate when we’re both exhausted. This way we both get enough rest, we both feel connected to the kids and we both feel connected to each other.
Good luck! You’re absolutely not alone!!
Kelly says:
Someone may have already mentioned it, but have you thought about a nice Mother’s Day Out? Especially once she turns 1. I felt a lot like you, totally overwhelmed with SAHM stuff and about to lose it without adult interaction. We were moving a lot with the military and I didn’t have a lot of local support until my kiddo was 2. Mother’s Day Out is SO helpful. He loves it, I love it. Just three hours once a week makes a world of difference.
HLC says:
We have an agreement that Saturday mornings are mine. It’s great and I really look forward to it. I get 3 or so hours to myself to do whatever- mani/pedi, shop, go for a run, do errands, etc.
Melissa says:
Hi Heather!
I think everyone left great feedback, and all your children are very lucky to have moms who love them so much, and fathers who pick up the slack every once in awhile.
My father left when I was five, with a seven year old sister and two year old brother. My sister and I were old enough to go to school, but my brother stayed at my Aunt (who was a stay at home mom) during the day.
My mom worked two jobs, went to school full time, and I realize now that I always saw her when I needed her. She worked from 8pm to 8am, would pack our lunches, get us ready for school, put us on the bus, drop off my brother then go to school until twelve o’clock. She would then work from 12:30 to 4:00, and was almost always there when I got off the bus. We would then pick up my brother, she would make dinner, help us with homework, and put us to bed every night. I asked her when we got older how she could do that, and she said she took naps in the car between work and school, occasionally miss a class to just come home and pass out, and she always took weekends off so she could be with us (or, I remember, on one occasion, she begged her teacher to let us sit in the back of the classroom because I was very sick and she had nowhere to take us.)
My point of the story is, while sometimes you may feel angry at Mike or your husbands, be so grateful that you have a husband to occasionally be angry at. Sometimes life seems better off without those people, and of COURSE everyone needs a moment to themselves- but know that your children will grow up happy and healthy because they had two parents who love them unconditionally. It’s certainly not easy to FEEL like you are doing everything around the house, but it is quite another to actually be DOING everything around the house.
I am not saying anything negative towards anyone. You guys are all amazing parents, and I can only imagine how rough it all must be. You guys can do it!
I am 21 now, and cannot have children. I get very, very depressed knowing I will never know what it feels like to be that stressed out all the time.
wm says:
We have a schedule on our fridge. Childcare time is equal to work time and we each put in equal amounts there. Whatever is left for childcare time is split equally. Usually, one of us takes the morning, the other the evening (but the total hours per week each of us is “on duty” is equal), and the person not on duty is off to do what they want. Household tasks are divided separately from work or childcare. On weekends, we normally split one day (1/2 day with child, 1/2 day personal time) and the other day is family day.
We probably end up a little short on family time, but we both have plenty of personal time, which is important to us.