How many ways can I write that I’m sad? I feel like I’m certainly going to run out of them soon. The last three and a half years have worn out that page on my thesaurus.
I’d very much like to be back on my anti-anxiety meds, but Dr. Risky doesn’t want me on them right now. Yes, Dr. Risky – one amazing bright spot from the past month is that UCLA and Blue Shield finally came to an agreement, and as of September 1st I will be fully covered with all my old doctors. I am so excited to see Dr. Looove, Dr. Blood, and my therapist in person.
In the meantime, I am (and have been) in communication with my doctors via email and phone. My whole “team” was so awesome and flexible during the insurance lock out, which was really above and beyond what any of them had to do. As convenient as it was to have a medical crew closer to our house, I personally feel a million times better being under the care of doctors I know and get along with, and who also know me, my family and our history.
Dr. Risky wanted us to wait three months before trying to conceive again, and she wants me to be physically fit and drug free (so no anxiety meds). She and Dr. Blood will create a plan for my clotting disorder (although it’s extremely likely that it will be similar to the one Dr. Hirisk came up with) and then we’ll collectively tweak it if necessary – just like we did with Annabel’s pregnancy.
I told Mike that I can only do this one more time. I have spent the last three months eating well and exercising so I can be physically prepared. And while I feel confident physically, I will now have the confidence in my medical team. I have a lingering feeling that Annie’s pregnancy was the exception…and even if that turns out to be true, and our final try doesn’t turn out like we hope, at least I’ll know I had the medical professionals I trust the most at my side. That is what gives me the drive to try one more time.
So at the end of what has turned out to be a pretty crappy summer (understatement), at least I have some hope to carry me into fall. That is definitely a page in my thesaurus I wouldn’t mind wearing out.
Why does being an adult have to be so complicated?
My sister is going through the exact same thing. She miscarried her first pregnancy shortly after being diagnosed with the clotting disorder. Her second pregnancy was riddled with complications and hospitalizations but ended with my adorable and healthy niece who just celebrated her fourth birthday but not before my sister miscarried again. Her doctor has advised her not to try again.
Her disorder has been classified as genetic. Our younger sister does not have it and I haven’t been tested yet (mostly because I’m scared of what the results will most likely be).
I have faith for you Heather, that with your dream team of doctors Annie will have a little brother or sister.
Sending you lots of love and prayer.
YAHOO!!!! FINALLY….some GOOD news!!!! I totally understand your apprehension about trying again. After I lost my 5 babies, we tried 1 more time only to have 2 MASSIVE bleeds at 12 1/2 AND 13 1/2 wks. Everything worked out though and I just KNOW it’s going to work out for you too!!! I mean, how could it NOT with angels Jackie! and Maddie on your side???
I know at times you feel really weak Heather but the fact is, you are one of the strongest people I know!!! REALLY!!! I know this time has been filled with sorrow and heart ache – I’m so sorry I can’t change that for you. I will continue to pray for your strength, courage, comfort and peace and will look forward to hearing the wonderful news you are expecting again!!!
With Friendship & Love,
That’s good news about your insurance! It’s a step in a positive direction. I hope things keep moving that way for you.
Hearts, prayers, and a lot of mushy stuff with glitter being thrown your way.
I love this news! It feels so much better when you’re surrounded by doctors who know your body (and heart).
I’m off to pray a rosary now for you.
I work within the UC healthcare system and have heard they were working with Blue Shield to reach an agreement and the first thing I thought of was you. Yay, Heather can go back to UCLA! And ta-da, that day is here.
Thinking of you…
Things are looking up. You have your team back and that must be a big relief.
Isn’t medicine fun? Tweaking treatment plans sounds like a bit of a roller coaster. So happy for you that your insurance and your Team of Pure Awesome Medicinal Pros are back on the same page and you have your people back.
I had a pregnancy related cancer during my first pregnancy, which resulted in the late term loss of my first child. Each pregnancy since then has been a series of tests. Blood work every 3-5 days (my arms look a mess by week 20) and ultrasounds every week. Doctors appointments weekly, specialist appointments 2 hours away. Wouldn’t it just be nice if the saying “each pregnancy is different” applied to every person? I don’t know about you, but mine felt like a lot of the same tests and difficulties.
I hope you guys get to meet a lovely new family member by this time next year!
Life has to make us want to go on. It’s our defense against the dark. Wishing strength and all possible peace for you, Heather.
Thinking of you guys these next few months – keeping fingers crossed and sending positive vibes from Virginia!
My thoughts and prayers will definitely be with you, Mike, Annie, and your medical team as you try again. You need this, and frankly, the world needs another awesome little kid like Maddie and Annie.
Sending prayers that the fall brings you happy news! Stay strong Heather, you inspire so many of us. Always thinking of your Maddie, Jackie! and sweet Annie.
So glad you have your trusted team back! A doctor you’re comfortable with who knows you means a lot. My PCP moved out of state and I’m trying to find a replacement I like just as much, but it’s hard. You are doing everything you can to set yourself up for success this time… stay confident and hopeful!
cindy w says:
I’m excited for you that you’re trying again. And I’m ESPECIALLY excited that you get to have all of your favorite doctors to support you through this. XOXO
I so understand where you are coming from! My husband and I went through similar problems after my son was born. After two years, two miscarriages, and so much physical and emotional pain, I told him that was it. We looked into adoption, but that got expensive and complicated in a hurry. While there are days when it still stings, and I will NEVER understand why the welfare mom down the street can have 5 kids without any problems, for the most part we’ve made peace with it. And I am soooo grateful for my smart, amazing eight year old, and the love of my very long suffering husband!
Hope. It’s an awesome word. There is always hope.
You have many feeling confident and hopeful right along with you.
Wishing you the best of luck on your next pregnancy. It sounds like you have an amazing team in your corner! We’ll be trying again this fall after a miscarriage last month so I have my fingers crossed for the both of us
Sending you prayers and good vibes. Seems like you’ve had an extraordinary amount of darkness in your life lately – wishing you happiness and good fortune. I believe that you are in the best hands with caring and dedicated medical professionals who know you, and your situation, and your history, and will guide you towards good things for your family. Hugs.
Lisa F. says:
Will think happy, healthy thoughts for you as you and Mike expand your family! (And you will, I can feel it!)
So happy to hear that Dr. Love and Dr. Risky are back on the team. This is good news indeed.
So happy you got your team back and you can go into this next Ryan knowing you trust those helping you along the way. I hope your pregnancy with Annie wasn’t the exception. I hope you continue to get some happiness and light in your life in the months to come. You deserve it.
Jessica Stringer says:
I’m glad to hear that about your insurance…that’s wonderful. Hang in there. I don’t always comment, but I always read and always think about you. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.
I’m so glad to hear about this new bright spot in your life Heather. That is such a blessing!
So glad Dr. Risky is back on the case. She’s not warm and fuzzy (at least not in my experience) but I always felt very safe in her care.
I hope that Annie is able to be a big sister. I understand the only wanting to do this one more time. My kids are close to both of yours, and I miscarried about the same time as you. I already had it marked in my calendar the halfway point, when he/she was due… UGH.
I’m good with one more try, and then I’m done, as well. Good luck to us both!
I am so glad you get to see your UCLA doctors. It is so nice to have a team behind you that really knows you. I am thinking so many good thoughts for you. I know how difficult it can be to be off anxiety meds. I don’t do well without my meds, but I too had a team of doctors who had seen me through my pregnancy with Austin and helped me throughout my pregnancy with Lucas. I love you.
Yes, please continue to have hope. I don’t think Annie was the exception. Besides, if you want to grow your family there are other options: surrogacy, adoption. I’m not sure how you feel about either and I’m not being so brazen as to suggest them assuming you’ve never thought of them (cuz duh, you’re not an idiot). As a faithful reader, though, I would love to hear your thoughts on those options. Specifically, as a woman who is trying to have a baby but has had 2 miscarriages, I would love to hear your thoughts on those options. It isn’t cut and dry for me and I think a lot of women feel the same way.
I so hope everything works out for you. You are a wonderful person and you’re both such loving, thoughtful, fun parents. Unfortunately, good things aren’t dolled out appropriately to those who “deserve it” (but what does “deserve it” look like anyway? OMG the commenter about welfare moms having 5 kids OMG – ugly!). Sad things happen all the time but so do wonderful things. There is no reason to believe wonderful isn’t coming your way very soon.
RE-The comment about “deserving it” and the “welfare mom”–I think rather than hearing the ugliness of the remark, hear the hurt & grief: they have wanted more kids, her own body has fought against that happening and she suffered the grief of miscarriages & then finances didn’t allow for adoption…yes the remark sounded judgmental but it also sounded very wounded & jealous: she loves her daughter but would trade all that their little family of 3 has in order to BE that welfare mom of 5…
Just a thought…
You’re absolutely right, Auntie_M. I can definitely respect and empathize with the hurt and grief and that person absolutely deserves respect and empathy. It’s just that I also feel respect and empathy for “welfare mom” who is judged more harshly now than ever. I think there’s room to have empathy for both but my comment probably didn’t express that. Next time I will try to do so appropriately.
Good luck and blessings to all the future moms trying to conceive. I agree with your comment that “deserve” is a tough word to describe for people wanting children, just as comparing oneself to an “undeserving welfare mom” is an ugly way to look at the world. I understand that the commenter who stated that was writing from a place of sadness and hurt, but stereotypes like that only help to tear apart others, not to make ourselves heal. The image of a welfare mom has been pertuated by decisive politics that try to pin notions of how good someone is based on his or her socioeconomic status and perceived character and strength.
Here’s to hope. I will be keeping my fingers crossed so so hard that everything works out for you baby-wise, and quickly. You without a doubt deserve that happiness. I’m glad you have your team back to help you through.
I am so happy that you got your team back!! I know what it is like to have insurance mess up who you see. I also know what it is like to have a doctor you love. Yay!!
So happy for you and Mike. Finally good news! Something to look forward to carry you through the fall! Hope… love… peace and strength!
So glad you have your team back on your side! teamwork…let’s make this happen!
Ouch about the antidepressants. I was thinking about that, because you sounded like I was before I went on them, and realized “maybe she can’t use them if she’s trying to get pregnant”. I feel your pain.
My OB hasn’t gone so far as to nix the antidepressants while I’m trying for a second child while I still can (chances are I will deal with early menopause like my mom did, so I only have a finite amount of time in that window), but she is adamant that she wants me off of them in the second half of the pregnancy. She relented with a “if your therapist thinks you can” when I made a face.
I made a face because I had to be off antidepressants for the entirety of the last go round, and to put it succinctly, it sucked the happiness out of the whole pregnancy and I went right into postnatal depression. I know I could bear to do it again, but I’m not thrilled about it.
You want to hear something funny? I was just thinking about you BCBS dilemma yesterday. I was wondering if it had been worked out yet.
In Virginia we are starting to see some insurance companies and hospitals working on opposite ends of the spectrum. One employer here locally has over 800 employees with insurance that the hospital I work for can’t accept due to the insurance company’s stipulations. It’s crazy.
Wishing you much luck and sending prayers.
So glad that there is hope and some good news! Take care. xo
Beth Mariel says:
All the best Heather we’ll be waiting for the news!!
Right now I’m debating whether to call the number of a therapist I found–I don’t know why I’m putting it off so much since I moved to this new town. I did talk therapy for a couple of years in the past it helped me so, so much. Anyway, that is the context of me suggesting that as you head for this new challenge in the midst of your grief, that you put some time for yourself in the calendar. Maybe find a great talk therapist, maybe find a great acupuncturist, maybe take a meditation or a yoga class. Or make an appointment for a weekly massage. All these things have been so helpful to me, to the point of being essential parts of health care (not just “sick care”). But obviously, I know it’s hard to decide which of them I want to make time for and when I want to do it.
I like the idea of acupuncture. My p-doc suggested it last time I was pregnant and couldn’t be on meds, and in hindsight, I wish I hadn’t dismissed it out of hand.
So glad to hear a glimmer of hope in your words.
I’m so sorry for your loss Heather, you are such a beautiful person…
It sucks that you can’t be on something for anxiety when you need it most. I can’t live without my nightly dose of Ativan (truthfully, I’d take it more if I didn’t feel like it was such a crutch to get through the day).
I know this might sounds stupid, and maybe you’re not “there.” But have you thought about exercise? I wasn’t able or really in the right frame of mind to do anything for the past 6 years, but I finally made that time in the beginning of the year and I feel amazing. I’m not cut. I’m not even close to toned, but my endurance is way better and I’ve definitely noticed an improvement in my mental health (and this was after being hospitalized for a mental breakdown last winter). I just knew that when meds weren’t working, I had to try something. I don’t know if it’s finally an endorphin rush, or if it’s just that my anxiety is quelled by something else that I can control in my life. But whatever, I’ll take it.
HOPE is such a powerful word & place isn’t it?
So happy to hear Dr. Love, Dr. Risky, & Dr Blood are “officially” back as your team–but how wonderful of them to be available to you via email & phone while the insurance co & hospital fought it out…
Thinking of you with love & will be hoping with you & continuing to pray for & support you in all things of heart and home.
Rachel Langer says:
I must confess, though I’ve been reading your words for some time now, I still have no clue what to say when it comes to grief. I am terrified that what I say may bring up the wrong emotion at the wrong moment, so generally I am silent. I know that is the wrong thing, but I haven’t quite mastered my fear. I wanted to say this, and I hope that it is OK:
I was in the park in Vancouver, Canada recently and I saw a toddler with her parents. She was quietly playing and suddenly broke into an excited “Woooooow!” It reminded me of your Maddie and her soft sweet voice, and I wanted to tell you that her spirit lives in the soft sweet voices of so many little ones and their curious hearts. I know its not enough – it never will be enough, but so many remember her and so often, even those of us who never had the privilege of meeting her. This is because of you and Mike and your willingness to share her memory with all of us. You’ve made her immortal, in spirit, and the same will be true of Jackie.
Thank you for being brave enough to share your journey, and put up with us, our silence, our fear, and our words. Wishing you a bright spot of hope in each day for September.
I so wish there was something I could say or do to take your sadness from you, if only for a second. You and Mike are doing a great job of taking it one day at a time and my thoughts and prayers are with you.xx
You get to see Dr Looove again? YAYS.
So much that my Spirit wants to whisper to your Spirit, Heather Spohr. Think it already is.
I just love you.
Spohrs, this is your forum, you get to express your sorrows in all the ways you feel necessary. Just remember all the other uses you’ve had for a thesaurus… Multiple ways or saying love, kindness, sharing, community, friends and family, among other things.
Wishing and sending you much strength and support during this difficult time.
Michelle Miro Higgins says:
I am so happy to hear about your insurance. I will be praying more good news later this fall.