How many ways can I write that I’m sad? I feel like I’m certainly going to run out of them soon. The last three and a half years have worn out that page on my thesaurus.

I’d very much like to be back on my anti-anxiety meds, but Dr. Risky doesn’t want me on them right now. Yes, Dr. Risky – one amazing bright spot from the past month is that UCLA and Blue Shield finally came to an agreement, and as of September 1st I will be fully covered with all my old doctors. I am so excited to see Dr. Looove, Dr. Blood, and my therapist in person.

In the meantime, I am (and have been) in communication with my doctors via email and phone. My whole “team” was so awesome and flexible during the insurance lock out, which was really above and beyond what any of them had to do. As convenient as it was to have a medical crew closer to our house, I personally feel a million times better being under the care of doctors I know and get along with, and who also know me, my family and our history.

Dr. Risky wanted us to wait three months before trying to conceive again, and she wants me to be physically fit and drug free (so no anxiety meds). She and Dr. Blood will create a plan for my clotting disorder (although it’s extremely likely that it will be similar to the one Dr. Hirisk came up with) and then we’ll collectively tweak it if necessary – just like we did with Annabel’s pregnancy.

I told Mike that I can only do this one more time. I have spent the last three months eating well and exercising so I can be physically prepared. And while I feel confident physically, I will now have the confidence in my medical team. I have a lingering feeling that Annie’s pregnancy was the exception…and even if that turns out to be true, and our final try doesn’t turn out like we hope, at least I’ll know I had the medical professionals I trust the most at my side. That is what gives me the drive to try one more time.

So at the end of what has turned out to be a pretty crappy summer (understatement), at least I have some hope to carry me into fall. That is definitely a page in my thesaurus I wouldn’t mind wearing out.