If you came to the house, you might think nothing is wrong.
There are pictures of happy times everywhere.
Toys are still out.
A stroller sits with a favorite blanket draped on the handles.
A high chair has crumbs from a meal in the creases of the chair.
The pink push car is ready to go.
In the garage, a car seat sits in the back of the car.
Clothes hang in the closet, some with tags still attached, waiting to be worn.
But the dining room. The dining room tells the tale.
Leftover funeral programs are in a neat pile. Posters of her face lean against the walls. The table we once sat at for family meals is now covered with framed photos, presents from friends old and new, and a large basket overflowing with hundreds (thousands?) of cards and letters.
And in the center of the table sit her urn, a posthumous handprint, and two little curls.
A shrine to our daughter, both beautiful and terrible.
Three months ago, the doctors couldn’t save her. We’ve been living a nightmare for three months. Not a long time, but a lifetime.
We have a lifetime of lifetimes ahead of us. Every day that passes takes us further from the last time we touched her, held her, kissed her.
It’s unbearable pain that we somehow must bear. To live your whole life without your child…it’s unfathomably cruel.
{ 209 comments… read them below or add one }
Disgustingly unfathomably cruel. So wrong.
(HUGS)
I’m so sorry that you are going through this, my thoughts are with you and your family.
And you’re right, it is cruel and so very heart-wrenching.
I hope you feel better.
It is so very cruel
and pain that no mother or father should ever have to bare.
Three months is not long but way too long.
I cannot imagine the pain you are enduring.
May God guide you and keep you.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Yes I pray for you too.
Heather, there are no words that could even to begin to describe how deeply sorry I am. I wish there was something I could do or say to ease the pain.
Not a day goes by without a thought of you, Mike and Madeline.
((hugs))
.-= mama3addie´s last blog ..{push em-pull em} =-.
It’s a nightmare I wish no one had to endure. Least of all such loving and doting parents as yourselves. God how your little girl was magic…pure light and joy. Not a single day goes by that I don’t think of you, your loss, your pain. You and Mike are in my prayers, and Maddie…she is in my heart.
.-= Christina´s last blog ..Christina B.C. *(before children) =-.
I am so sorry. It is indeed cruel. You have my loving thoughts.
It is cruel Heather. Anyone who says different is a fool. Time creeps to almost stand still when unhappy. And has a tendency to fly when happy. You know how it goes, can’t teach you anything…
.-= catherine lucas´s last blog ..Horses in the water =-.
I wish you and Mike never had to go through this, no parent should ever have to. My love, thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope that some day you both find peace and feel Maddie’s sweet presence with you and know that her love will always be with you. I wish for your pain to slowly subside, and for the day to come that your days are filled with happy memories of Maddie’s too short life and not so much pain. I don’t know what to say that conveys anything you want to hear or how I feel in my heart, but know that here in this tiny Alabama town you are all loved.
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..Understanding Emplyee Benefits: The Basics of Health Insurance =-.
It is cruel and horrible and so terribly sad. It is beyond my heart’s knowledge why such things happen. She will forever be loved and forever be with you.
xo
((hugs))
Heather,
If I could change the calendar so that the 7th never rolled around again, I would. Of course, if I had that kind of power, I would never have allowed your Maddie to leave your arms. That sweet sweet girl…I feel the loss of her as strongly as if I had known her. I cannot imagine your pain. My daughter is 4 months old…she still has that sweet connection with Heaven. I will tell her to tell your sweet girl you miss her, and to come and visit you in your dreams. I hope she has done so already…
Maddie is quite literally in my thoughts almost everyday. The world is a lesser place without her in it. Wearing purple for her.
-Lexi
I remember 3 months, we’re coming up on 3 years for our son Jack. I’m so sorry you’re sweet Madeline is not in your arms. ((Hugs)) from another bereaved mother.
Incredibly so far past wrong
I am so sorry. I am thinking of and praying for you guys.
I am so sorry.
Anniversaries are so cruel. A loss like this is unspeakably cruel. My heart aches for your family. I am here, rooting for you, every single day.
A lump in my throat and tears in my eyes… no words, just (((hugs))).
one day without a child is a lifetime!
Parents are never supposed to outlive their children. It is cruel and unusual punishment!
My heart goes out to you. I cry for you. I wish I could ease your pain
Each time I comment, I wish for nothing more than to be able to give her back to you. Knowing I can’t, I hope instead that my meager words added to the words from the cast of friends and readers help you to know that you and Mike will never be alone; you will always have the love and support of friends and strangers as you grapple to live through this horribly unjust nightmare.
.-= Karen´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.
It is more than cruel. My heart is with you guys today, and all days.
xo from CT,
Amanda
I know that no words can ease the pain but I hope knowing that someone is empathizing with you helps just a little. It is unfair what you are going through. Sending good thoughts to you both.
.-= Liz´s last blog ..Tuesday Night =-.
I am so, so sorry =((
I can’t put into words how sorry I am that she is gone, as you would never be able to find words to describe the depth of your own pain. Maddie passing is such a massive loss of indescribable proportions.
Hugs and love.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Something new… =-.
Of all the heartaches in this world, none can be so strong as to lose a child. May each room of your house reflect your beautiful Maddies smile, and spirit, despite the heartache and devestation between the walls.
Love and Prayers to you both xo
Oh Heather, I know, I know. Some days I don’t know how I will ever survive. Our house is very similar to how you described, only we didn’t get to use any of those things, as she died right before birth five days past her due date last year. The sideboard in our house tells the tale though – sympathy cards still up, some 11 months on, candles, pictures and angel trinkets where we hoped to display pictures of our happy smiling family going about life. This is unfathomably cruel Heather, but know you have people the world over thinking of you and Mike. And of course Maddie, how could we ever forget.
.-= Sally´s last blog ..Please vote =-.
I am just so sad for you both.
xxx
Parents should never have to lose their children. Nothing I can say will make that lose go away, so just know that a shoulder is always here for you in SC.
.-= Earth_Mommy´s last blog ..Monday Musings =-.
Thinking of you. Every day.
.-= Maria´s last blog ..identity =-.
i am so sorry heather… for your constant pain, for your daily truth, for your shattered heart. i am so very sorry.
It is crueland horrifying for those who want so desprateley to help you but cannot. MY thoughts and prayers are with you every day but especiallyy on the 7th and 11th.
.-= Charlane´s last blog ..Back to every other day. =-.
I’m so sorry for your family.
.-= Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..It Could Have Been Worse: he could’ve said this to me. =-.
Dear sweet Heather,
My thoughts too are with you every single day but always even more so on the 7th and 11th of every month. I’ve been thinking of you and Mike today since the moment I woke up. I am seeing purple everywhere today and am thinking of your World Famous Maddie over here in Luxembourg. Your words today again bring tears to my eyes and an ache in my heart. It is so very unfair and so wrong that your precious Maddie is no longer wirh her wonderful parents. My words aren’t enough, Heather, I know. All I can do is let you know you and Mike are always in my thoughts.
I wish there was more I could do though.
With love
your stranger friend, Erica in Luxembourg
You’re so right Sweetie. Love, prayers, and hugs to you..one small step at a time. I’m sorry….I wish things were different. I’m sorry, they’re not.
Take Care,
Your Stranger Friend,
Jenn
I am so sorry. Thinking of you. Wishing things were different.
.-= Christine´s last blog ..Titles =-.
I’m praying for you and Mike everyday. Your love for Maddie shines in every picture and blog post.
I wish I had something to say that would be better than what you have already heard 1,000 times.
We love you, we are sad with you, what you are going through is just not right nor fair.
I could say it a million times over but I really DO mean it.
Big loves.
~emily
.-= DesignHER Momma´s last blog ..To my Birdie on her Birthday =-.
I wholeheartedly agree with DesignHER Momma’s thoughts… thinking of you and Mike on this terrible day and every day.
love and hugs from NJ.
For a while I was into genealogy. Not too many generations ago, it was common to have lost several children in infancy and young childhood to various diseases, accidents, etc.
I wish our great-grandparents had left us some kind of guidebook for how to cope. I don’t know how they survived it, maybe part of it was that everyone around them was surviving similar losses, too.
These days, the pain of losing a child is unfamiliar, and I’ll bet it’s really lonely to move through your community feeling different, feeling like no one understands.
Maybe a support group could help with that loneliness? I know you’ve mentioned that you don’t want advice, that this blog doesn’t tell the whole story, but I’m going to take the chance of pointing out that it might be a comfort to you, at this stage, to seek out other parents who understand the loss you’re grieving. Particularly if they’re further along in the journey – maybe they can teach you how to go on.
You’ve also mentioned that you’re feeling isolated. Maybe a support group would help?
Of course it won’t take the pain of your loss away, but it might help you learn how to carry that pain.
I wish I could carry it for you for a while, and let you rest.
Amy
Thinking of you. Forever and always.
I love you more than words can say my friend.
.-= sam {temptingmama}´s last blog ..The day I spewed my heirarchy of suffering* all over the internet =-.
Words can’t express how sorry I am for you guys. For Maddie.
heather and mike, i found you via matt’s blog months ago… i never comment as i honestly have no clue the depth of your pain as i have never lost a child… but as a mother myself i shatters my mind to imagine having to live with out them… I wish, more than anything in the world, that you and mike never had to go through this and that i could take your pain away.
((hugs from RI))
~Anne
As so many others, I don’t have the words. My heart aches for you and Mike. I haven’t posted a comment since she passed, but I’ve read every word you have written. Its not fair that she’s not here to love and be loved! Please know that there are so many people thinking of you and Mike and wishing we could take your pain away.
Hugs from Maryland…
It is cruel. I am thinking of you all today – and I’m so sad. Huge hugs.
Oh Heather, I wish I could just give you the biggest hug but I will just have to settle for internet hugs so big ((hug)) Not a day goes by when I don’t think about you, Maddie and Mike. xoxoxoxo
.-= Jodee´s last blog ..Our 4th of July weekend… =-.
Thinking of you and Mike today.
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Eye Love It!! =-.
Heather…
It’s been six months since my sister’s been gone. No comparsion, but still painful. I can’t imagine in a million years what you are experiencing; nor would I want to. I only wish you peace and comfort. And to let you know that you have millions of friends pulling for you and Mike. God Bless you both!
I am thinking of you and Mike and wishing you peace, no matter how small or fleeting, every single day.
(((((hugs))))))
.-= Deborah´s last blog ..Red-Eyed Tree Frog =-.
I wish there was something I could say that would unbreak your heart just a little, make one day just a little less painful, but sadly there aren’t any words in the world that can do that. Instead I will just remind you that I am thinking about you as always and sending you great big hugs today.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..Laumeier Sculpture Park =-.
So cruel. Love to you, Mike and Maddie.
.-= Becky´s last blog ..The Incredible, Oedipal Jay =-.
My heart hurts for you. Sending you love all the way from TN.
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..The Difference… =-.
It seems impossible. I’m so sorry. My breath catches whenever I think of you and Mike and Maddie. I’m so sorry.
Not anything I could even imagine or comprehend….once again, no words of wisdom….I’m just so very, very sorry….I still think of Maddie at least once a day, which makes me think of you and Mike and wonder how today is going for you guys.
Sending prayers and e-hugs…
Continuing to send love from Ohio.
.-= FireMom´s last blog ..Why We Love Movie Soundtracks =-.
Continuing hugs, love, and support. Because that’s all I can offer. And it’s never going to be enough.
i am so so sorry heather. I hate that you and mike have suffered such a horrible, unfathomable loss. sending love, hugs, our thoughts, and prayers.
It’s Tuesday AND the 7th. Oh what the hell.
I was looking at some of the recently-found videos of Maddie on Flickr last night and was yet again blown away by her amazing vitality and energy and personality.
It is cruel and unbelievable and unfair and wrong.
thinking of you and wishing there were a way to ease your pain.
.-= Mama Snyder´s last blog ..Best. Vacation. Ever. =-.
This is all still so raw, Heather. Three months is a blink. And forever. Words are inadequate but I want you to know that I think of you often. You are surrounded in love.
.-= JennK´s last blog ..I was wrong. =-.
Your poor heart.
Wish I could do something other than send you my hugs.
Very cruel. Again I wish I had something comforting to say, but am at a loss for words. As always, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless.
Courtney in New York
.-= Courtney´s last blog ..Movie Review(s) =-.
I wish that I could make it go away.
I wish that I could turn back time but I can’t.
All I can do is tell you that I’m thinking of you and Mike today and wishing.
((((hugs))))
I am praying that you find peace, for that’s all I can offer.
.-= Janelle´s last blog ..Two new molars =-.
I think I read somewhere, once, that when you lose a parent, you become an orphan. When you lose a spouse, you become a widow. When you lose a child, well, there isn’t even a word for that.
I can only imagine that there is not and will never be, a word to describe the pain you must be feeling.
Praying for you!
xoxo
A friend in Tennessee
It is cruel and I wish it never had to happen to anyone. I have no words of comfort and I wish I did. But I hope you know that many are thinking and praying for you and Mike helps, even if it’s just a little.
~Hugs from TX
“Unfathomably cruel” is somehow, in this case, an understatement. I believe two contrasting things simultaneously: 1.) Maddie is in perfect happiness and peace somewhere. If there is such a place as heaven, it was created for people like your daughter. 2.) No matter what heaven has to offer, Maddie should have been with YOU the past three months, should be with you the rest of your lives.
It is cruel. I’m so sorry.
It is cruel and it is just not supposed to happen this way.
.-= Megan´s last blog ..A different kind of fun. =-.
No words. Just tears and heartbreak for you. I am so sorry.
.-= Andrea´s last blog ..Happy Birthday, America! =-.
Oh, is it really 3 months? There really are no words…
xo
Steph
.-= Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..potato, potahto =-.
It is so Crule and unfair. My heart breaks for you guys every day and Oh how I wish I could bring her back.:( My thoughts and((( hugs))) go out to you and mike and Rigby.
{{{Hugs from a cyper friend}}} Encouraging you and your husband to get through another day…keep going….for Maddie.
It’s so unfair.
posthumous… such a sad word. Her little hands…
I am so sorry Heather… so, so, so sorry.
I am so sorry for everyone that is surviving the loss of a child. THe pain has to be unbearable.
How you do it, people must ask. I guess b/c there is no other choice.
I pray for you to have sweet memories of being the BEST mother for Maddie, the absolutely most doting mother. You reveled in her, and you can rest in that peace: you did it above all the rest.
I am so sorry. The cruelty of this is beyond my understanding. Sending love to you both.
.-= bessie.viola´s last blog ..Saturday… in the park… I think it was the 4th of July =-.
I find it hard to believe it has been three months since you lost your beautiful daughter. My thoughts are with you today.
.-= Whitney´s last blog ..Changes =-.
I don’t know what to say other than I’m sorry and I think of you and Mike often. And in Maddie’s honor I try a little harder every day to cherish my kids. Sending you hugs and wishes for peace and comfort.
.-= Jill´s last blog ..I don’t think they miss us one bit =-.
Dear Heather & Mike-
The worst nightmare. I am so sorry that you are going through this. HUGS!!
There’s nothing anyone can say that can make this any better. You are in the thoughts and prayers of so many people.
Sweetie, I know it hurts so bad. I’m so sorry.
as always, but especially today, my heart is with you both.
there are no words that can make this right or better….i still can not understand why Maddie? and as her Mum, Heather, i am not sure what to say….Sweet Maddie will always be in your life no matter what, her beautiful smiling face and her gorgeous eyes, they are unforgettable…. just wished she was still here.
Love you guys heaps…sending you a big hug and thoughts…..Love you Maddie
Always thinking of you Heather and Mike.
.-= Lisa Wood´s last blog ..Kids.. =-.
My heart and prayers are with you all, and I’m always sending hugs your way.
.-= Miche@CoordinatedChaos´s last blog ..Happy 4th Of July from Mobile =-.
I can’t imagine going through all that you endure every day. No parent should have to. You remain in my thoughts and prayers.
And I know it may not seem like much, but you do inspire me every day to cherish my child a little more, hug him a little tighter, and be a better mama even when things are difficult – for they are nowhere near as difficult as you are dealing with.
Many (((hugs))) to you and Mike.
.-= punkinmama´s last blog ..happy father’s day =-.
Heather and Mike,
I’m so very very sorry.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Scenes from For Love or Funny =-.
Sunday, as we trekked 5 hours home from our 4th of July weekend, my daughter wished for a time traveling car to get us there faster. I wish for one that would take you back to your Maddie!
I cannot imagine your heartbreak right now. Mine breaks for your loss and aches for you and your family. I have no words to console you – only a promise to you and Maddie make every day count – and to smile when I see purple – in her honor!
Many hugs from Georgia!
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you, remembering a beautiful little girl I never knew and wishing you and Mike some measure of comfort. There are no words, only worlds of love from strangers. I hope you can feel this love and that it helps in some small way.
You are always in my heart.
I don’t know you but I feel like I do. I don’t know your pain but my heart aches for you. I wish I could take your pain away, bring your Maddie back to you. It is so cruel.
{Hugs}
I think about you every day. I love you guys.
.-= marinka´s last blog ..Remedial Blog School: So, You Started a Blog! =-.
I wish I could help you in any way. This is terrbily cruel and unfair and you have every right to feel this way. I’m sending positive thoughts for you and Mike.
.-= Ginger´s last blog ..Where does the night live? =-.
I cannot choke out any words today.
Lump in my throat, tears burning my eyes, pain in my heart for you.
(((HUGS))) from your stranger friend in Florida
You are fumbling through. Time will heal, and does that make you angry? Time, marching you away from your life with her in it.
I’m so sorry, dear blog friends. I wish you had more than two curls and a handprint.
.-= Gillian´s last blog ..Midnight =-.
Your story breaks my heart every single day. I think about your darling daughter all the time. She is in so many people’s hearts. I know it’s not the same. Nothing will ever take this pain you have away, I know. I’m sorry, so so so sorry. I so wish you did not have to go through this. she will always be in your heart. My heart is broken in a thousand pieces for you, really and truly. I will never understand or accept why a young child had to die. There is nothing on earth that is as tragic and wrong and horrible. I’m sorry. She is alive in you, around you. You will be together again – remember that. And even if it might be many more years for you, before you get to ‘see’ her again, for her, it might be in a blink of an eye – you never know. God Bless you guys.
.-= Loukia´s last blog ..Tissue, please! =-.
love and hugs to you on this very painful day… and on all others.
you are in my prayers.
.-= ChurchPunkMom´s last blog ..Never Let Go – Part 6 =-.
There is nothing I could ever say or write that would make things better for you and Mike. You’ve had the most horrible thing that a parent could face happen to you and I would do anything to fix it. I’m so sorry that I can’t. Loving you and Mike today and everyday and hoping that you’re finding some moments of peace.
I’m so sorry. I continue to pray for some peace for you.
.-= Danielle-lee´s last blog ..Music Lover Monday on Tuesday-A conditioned response =-.
Love you. Love Maddie. I’m here for you whenever you need me. xoxo
.-= AMomTwoBoys´s last blog ..3 Months =-.
I love you sweet sweet one.
Three months is an eternity of suffering when you’ve had something like this happen. I’m crying with you today, wishing I could ease your pain and mourning the loss of a child loved by so many.
It’s not fair, and if there is a higher being, the first thing I plan to ask is why.
.-= Christina´s last blog ..Grocery Store Misdirection =-.
the cruelest thing. you should have her with you…
keep breathing, keep loving each other, and keep remembering….its all we can do. It is Purple Tuesday at work today here at the Arkansas Foodbank Network….
Thinking of you today and everyday.
I wish I had the honor of meeting your sweet, beautiful little girl.
It is unbelievable, sad and beautiful to think how many people’s lives were changed three months ago.
words are inadequate, again.
Heather:
I just am so sorry. I hope some shred of peace comes swiftly for you. You need so much more than one curl. There really is not a day that goes by without thoughts of you, Mike and Madeline.
I cannot even remotely imagine what you go thru on a daily basis, not to mention on a day like today.
Praying still…
((hugs&love))
(((hugs)))
cruel and unfair don’t begin to cover it.
i wish i could just make today fleet for you … it seems to be harder when there is an anniversary-ish date to it.
i’m so sorry that i can’t make it better or easier … but i am thinking of you. lots today. take care.
.-= jen´s last blog ..home. =-.
I am so sorry.
Heather…
Thinking of you today, as always. Hugs to you and Mike.
Love -
Michelle – Herculaneum, MO
((HUGS))
.-= Liz´s last blog ..A little confession.. =-.
It truly is cruel.
we miss her every day, but she is NEVER EVER EVER forgotten.
EVER.
.-= maya´s last blog ..I need a massage =-.
I ADORE you both.
.-= maya´s last blog ..I need a massage =-.
I hurt so deeply for you. If I hurt this bad, I cannot imagine your level of utter despair. Those two words- unfathomably cruel- sum it up the best.
I just feel compelled to tell you that Maddie is so loved by so many people, even those such as myself who never had the privilege to meet her. She will NOT be forgotten. Ever.
I was watching an HBO movie late last night..in the first 10 min. a little boy is hit and killed by a hitandrun driver. I came in on the scene where the policeman is getting statements from the father who witnessed it and tells him that’s all the need to go home. The father’s face crumbles and he says he can’t leave his son. The Officer tells him that he will stay all night in his place and make sure his little boy is treated with the utmost respect. he gets in the cab to ride home where his wife and young daughter are waiting and she asks ‘we’re going home?’ and falls apart. I couldn’t even talk I was crying so hard. I never thought about the part where you live your child and have to go home empty handed. This was only a movie for me and I couldn’t sleep all night. You are living this nightmare and I wish I could bring Maddie back for you. No parent should ever have to witness their child go before them. All of my deepest sympathies to you. It is an unimaginable cruelness.
My heart is going out to you…my thoughts are about you…it is cruel, unfair and just plain wrong. i am so sorry….
It is beyond cruel and beyond wrong that you are going through life without that sweet, sweet girl. It is so unfair. My arms ache for you as I thinking of you wanting to hug and hold that precious baby. I have no words to bring you comfort as that seems impossible.
I do believe that your darling girl lives on in the hearts of strangers like myself all over the world. I think of you and Mike often-though I have never met you. Not a day has gone by since I discovered your blog that I haven’t thought of you and the ray of sunshine that is Maddie.
I hope you get a moment of peace here and there as you think of Maddie and feel her presence within you. I hope those moments eventually turn into longer stretches of time where your feel something other than overwhelming sadness and loss.
Thinking of you often and remembering your sweet girl.
It is cruel, Heather. So, so SO cruel.
.-= Jamie´s last blog ..10 Days =-.
My heart is with you today. I can’t imagine what this is like for you. My prayer is that you and your husband find some peace and hope in your time of grief.
Still crying with you and praying for you and wishing there was more I could offer.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Top 12 Things I Will Do A.B.* =-.
I’m so profoundly sorry, Heather. I can’t even imagine the agony you must be feeling.
.-= Miss Behavin´s last blog ..Our Weekend Getaway and My Silent Hysteria =-.
Oh, Heather.
How I wish I could change things for you.
Take comfort, if you can, in the knowledge that Maddie will live forever in the hearts of the thousands of strangers-turned-friends that are listening, thinking of you and Mike, and sharing some little piece of your pain.
This life you are forced to live is so wrong-I am so sad for you two. I know that you have heard it a million times before but let me be the million and first. I love you guys and I will always carry Maddie in my heart.
xoxo
.-= Domestic Extraordinaire´s last blog ..Happy 4th of July =-.
And here we are on Tuesday the 7th. How did those three months slip past?
I don’t know how you are bearing the weight of the days without Maddie. There are never enough kisses to last three minutes let alone three months, years, decades, lifetimes.
Thinking of all of you.
.-= Casey´s last blog ..Not berry sharp =-.
I am so, so sorry.
*hugs*
.-= Kelley´s last blog ..The Building Chronicals pt. 6 =-.
love you
Thinking of you both today.
.-= Alicia´s last blog ..bethfourth =-.
Today and everyday I am thinking about you and Mike and Maddie.
Thinking of you especially today, and most days. Maddie’s story is a beautiful story with a tragic climax… but it is far from over. Her life continues to affect people the world over.
A small comfort, I know – if any.
It’s not fair.
.-= MG @ MommyGeekology.com´s last blog ..Hack =-.
dude.
three months?
too long.
.-= moosh in indy.´s last blog ..how photoshop can seal a friendship. =-.
P.S. MJ ain’t got nothing on MS.
.-= moosh in indy.´s last blog ..how photoshop can seal a friendship. =-.
You’re right, it’s horribly cruel. Beyond any kind of torture. Love you both so much!
.-= Andrea’s Sweet Life´s last blog ..Tired and Naked =-.
Each day I pray for your comfort.
.-= Debby´s last blog ..SKYE IS SIX MONTHS OLD TODAY =-.
I keep thinking the words will come, but they don’t. But my heart aches for you guys.
Much love to you all, Heather.
.-= Nanette´s last blog ..9 months in, 9 months out =-.
Thinking of you today, on this worst of so many days.
.-= b*babbler´s last blog ..Book review: The Toss of a Lemon by Padma Viswanathan =-.
Thinking of you all, every single day, and sending my love.
Even though I think of you everyday, I am reaching out to you especially today. A lifetime already, in such a short time… my thoughts and hopes are with you.
I am so so sorry…
.-= Connie´s last blog ..Sorry to be MIA! =-.
You’re right – it is unfathomably cruel. I’m thinking of you today (as I do everyday) and sending you positive energy and prayers…
.-= christy´s last blog ..A short break =-.
I think of you all each day. I know you carry Maddie in your heart, but I hope that you see her when you least expect it and can smile.
Thinking of you guys often and hoping things get easier, one minute at a time.
Thinking of you today, and every day.
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N in the summertime =-.
Ugh, saying it fucking sucks doesn’t even come close. Always…thoughts, prayers, hugs. Keeping you, Mike and precious Maddie close to my heart. I wish I could take just a tiny bit of your pain away but I know I can’t. xo
Thinking of you guys… today and every day.
i’m so sorry you’re living this nightmare. ((hugs))
.-= MommyNamedApril´s last blog ..A Tribute to Fast Healers! =-.
Unfathomably cruel. That’s all I can say.
My thoughts are with you, as always.
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..Gremlins =-.
so, what you just described? is my house, my feelings and disgust about it all.
i’m glad to know that i’m not the only one that still has everything the way it was almost 12 weeks ago. for a second there, i thought i was going crazy in doing so.
.-= gorillabuns´s last blog ..the doo, doo, doo. the dah, dah, dah. all i want to say to you. =-.
Hang in there gorillabuns…
Again…not quite knowing the words to say, but walking this road and crying along with you. I only wish I could take some of the pain for you, even though I didn’t know you, or Maddie personally…no one should ever have to experience a loss this incredibly deep…..I am so, so, so, so, sorry…………
I can’t even imagine. I can’t. I wish I could lessen it, and yes, it’s a short time and a lifetime—you framed this hell. My heart is hearing you today. Hugs and prayers
.-= jana´s last blog ..Graceful freedom =-.
I’m so so sorry. Love & hugs to you and Mike.
.-= cindy w´s last blog ..Happy Fourth =-.
HEAVY WORK
we gather the remnants of sights and sounds, shapes and textures, fragrances, tastes and emotions
with a thread called pain, we stitch them together, no scrap too small to be left behind
making a new life wrapper that we must wear for eternity, it never really fits, but after awhile, we learn to manage
.-= TJ´s last blog ..Heavy Work =-.
Still thinking of and loving you every day. Every day.
my best friend lost her sister just over two years ago in a tragic car accident that took the lives of her and four of her friends. every time i visit her house, there are reminders of when she was there- notes she left are still hung on the fridge, her bedroom door is open, the messy floor is untouched and the bed unmade. it’s hard to see, but it makes it feel like she’s still there in a way.
my heart goes out to you today, and everyday.
I really have no words, except I am sorry and it is cruel…
i am so very sorry. i can not fathom what you are going through. i continue to keep everyone in my prayers
My heart just aches for you. Sending my love.
.-= Insta-Mom´s last blog ..Extreme Makeover: Blog Edition =-.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and Mike. May God guide you and comfort you with some peace. Sending you hugs! My heart aches for you! XX
Thinking of you.
.-= Bonnie´s last blog ..Just a spoonful of sugar… =-.
I have no words. Just love.
Prayers for you, Mike & Maddie.
You are walking through a dark valley right now and you don’t see any light ahead. You will be with Maddie again, and the time you are with her will be far greater than the time you are without her. Steven Curtis Chapman and his family lost their precious daughter not long ago, and he said that the only thing he could imagine worse than what they went through would be going through it without God. Please visit their website, maybe learn some of the things they have learned on thier journey through grief. They have Hope, and it sustains them. I pray you find it too.
Cruel, indeed.
Faith….hope….love….peace.
.-= mythoughtsonthat´s last blog ..Slow Learner =-.
It is. Unfathomably cruel.
.-= Kari (heartatpreschool)´s last blog ..tangled web =-.
I know the feeling. my 4 1/2 year old brother passed away 3.5 years ago and I remember the entire house staying the same except for the dining room. It was full of poster size collages of pictures from his memorial service, condolence cards, flowers, etc. His bedroom stayed the same with his clothes in the closet and his toys and books on the shelves. The family room still had his kid-sized table & chairs and collection of balls. I don’t know what its like to lose my own child, but I do know what its like to lose a child I loved unconditionally and with all my heart. I can say that it does become more bearable. We will obviously never forget them or stop longing for them, but we can heal and sustain over time. “Time heals what reason cannot”.
please know you are in my thoughts every day,
p.s. my heart & thoughts are with you
I have to words to describe how I feel, but my heart aches for your heartbreak.
I am a lurker. I never leave comments, but am drawn to your website everyday. I am not a mother, but I just cannot imagine your pain. Perhaps it is the fact that I work with small children with special needs each day that has made me feel like I know you and your family; perhaps it is the fact that I am part Portuguese; not quite sure. Although I do not know you, I pray for you and think of your family often. I admire your honesty and your willingness to share so much of your life. I can only hope that you someday find some peace. Thank you for your bravery.
I’m so sorry for your pain and loss. I can’t imagine how you must feel and what you are going through. My thoughts are with you.
I really want to hug you…
.-= Rumour Miller´s last blog ..Very few days go by =-.
Oh God, as usual you say so much in so few words. Tragic, sad, but your words are beautiful. I’m wondering if you’ve been able to bring yourself to read those condolence cards. For some reason I still can’t look at the ones we received after Oliver died ten weeks ago even though I read every email voraciously. But I just can’t read those cards, also in a basket in our dining room.
.-= Danny´s last blog ..A Shadow Passed =-.
my basket of cards is underneath my dining room table. i have yet to read them knowing full well there is money tucked away in some of the envelopes.
.-= gorillabuns´s last blog ..the doo, doo, doo. the dah, dah, dah. all i want to say to you. =-.
O Heather. It seems I always say the same thing. I’m so infinitely sorry. I send love and hugs.
I cannot imagine. Just the thought is too much to bear.
.-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..A Spoonful Of Song Makes The Medicine Go Down =-.
Hi Heather,
I read your blog everyday and rarely comment – even though I think about you and Mike and Maddie daily. You are an inspiration and a gorgeous writer. I can’t believe how eloquently and poignantly you write about your grief. It’s really a gift to all who’ve lost someone they cherished.
I don’t know the darkness you find yourself in right now, but I pray everyday that it will get easier for you and Mike. I hope fervently that some day, you two will find a new version of happy. I am so so sorry you lost your precious baby. It is “unfathomably cruel”.
Lots of love, prayers, and positive energy from Philadelphia,
Melissa
.-= Melissa´s last blog ..Back from Canada, Hosers! =-.
I just want you to know that we are still here, still listening, still mourning, still loving not only maddie but also you and mike.
I started reading your blog when I had to stay home for a week after my miscarriage. It was 4 months ago yesterday. I measure time differently now… before and after. I’ve never left a comment here. Nothing I could think of to say seemed good enough. I want you to know that I think about you, and Maddie, every day. And I’m praying for you. I can’t imagine the pain you have to endure. It’s just not fair.
.-= Kelly´s last blog ..Defiance =-.
I’ve been reading for the last 3 months. I’ve never commented because i know nothing i have to say will help you in any way.
But i just want you to know i’m still here, i’m still reading and i’m still thinking of you guys all the time, for what it’s worth.
Erin
.-= Erin´s last blog ..Part of the Process =-.
I don’t even know you, but I find myself checking in at your website and crying as if I’d known Maddie myself. I always wonder what feeling the next day will bring to you and worry about how you and your husband are taking it. I’ve found myself going through all of the posted pictures and videos and grieving for this little girl I never even met. Your little girl touched more hearts than anyone can even imagine.
I cannot even imagine the unbearable pain you are feeling. It is immeasurably cruel.
.-= K´s last blog ..Happy Fifth of July! =-.
my heart breaks for you.
wishing you peace, somehow……
karen
I’m not sure how I came across your blog but I always believe you find yourself in places that where you need to be. On 23 December 2008, my older sister had a beutiful baby girl. She was born at 28 weeks gestation. She lived for five whole hours.
What’s my point? I don’t have one but I guess I have felt a tiny, tiny little itty bit of that desperate nothingness, that chasm of grief that can never be filled.
My heart goes out to you and your husband at this time and all the times when your little one should have been with you. But these words are empty, they can not heal and don’t profess to but I hope that your little girl Maddie will always be remembered for the beautiful little soul that exudes form the photos you have on this blog.
Heather, I am so very, very sorry you’re going through all this. Still reading, still thinking of you.
God bless you.
Unfathomly cruel, indeed. Oh my God. Thinking of you. ((hugs))
.-= Haley-O´s last blog ..EMOTIONAL EATER! =-.
Your words paint such a clear picture for your readers… of such deep sadness. Our hearts ache for you and Mike when we try to even imagine what your home looks like, sounds like now without that amazingly funny, adorable little silly girl. My heart is so heavy for your unimaginable loss.
I’ve been wondering how Mike is doing. I dont recall hearing much after his work episode. Has he been able to work? I’m praying for him, and for you.
xoxoxoxo
Heather, My heart aches for you and Mike! Really heart wrenching what you are forced to go through every day. Please just hang on to the memories of the time you had with her, even though it was too terribly short. You are an amazing mother, always will be!
.-= Patty´s last blog ..A brighter day =-.
SO cruel.
I can’t believe it’s been three months. I can’t say anything more than I think of you all often and wish I could do more than send virtual hugs.
.-= pgoodness´s last blog ..lists, vacation style =-.
It IS. It is HORRIBLY cruel what you are going through. No way around it.
I find that I have a pattern when I read your blog . A certain order that I do things in before I come here. I don’t come here often, but when I do… I had visited my best friend’s facebook page prior to coming here. She died in October. Sometimes, I just stare at her page and the very sight of it just makes it hard for me to breathe.I find that I am so overwhelmed with heartache, sometimes anger, sometimes denial, sometimes feel selfish. Because I want her HERE with me, not in heaven even though she deserves it so very much. She went in for surgery and when she got home, she died of a pulmonary embolism. November 17th was the last time I saw her and November 19th was the last time that heard her voice. But when I come to your blog and I see pictures of your Maddie.. my heart is just overwhelmed. The pictures make my heart smile, who’s heart couldn’t smile with a look at her precious face? Your words make me cry. I want to hug you. I want to just reach out to you and tell you that it will be okay. That she is in a better place.. and I know that with all of my heart, but I have difficulty accepting it a lot of the times and my loss was much more distant then yours. After I catch up on your blog, I sit here… and I look at the clock and realize that it’s way too late and I should be in bed. But all I really want to do is run up the stairs and hold my little girl in my arms and pray that she never leaves me. Leaves this world.
I know this is really long and I’m sorry, but I guess… I don’t know why I’m writing all of this. I just want you to know… that your story your heartbreaking story… makes me… want to embrace every moment in my life, with my daughter. And I don’t want to tell you that she’s in a better place.. .because what better place is there then in your arms where you can protect her forever? But she truly is. She’s in God’s loving arms and if anything.. .my friend Angel, she was a mother that was out of this world and when I talk to her… I will always ask her to watch out for your Maddie too.
Love to you –
Melissa
I can’t believe it’s been three months. It feels like it has just been a week or two… I think it will always be sad.
Can’t believe it’s been three months either…since I found your blog during the midst of a horrible tragedy. I have no profound words, nothing really seems right or good. Just like to comment so that you know many many people are here reading, grieving (in a small way compared to you) with you.
I don’t know if this is appropriate to ask or way too new, but I’d love to know if anything helps (or makes you feel worse). I always feel like saying more but don’t want to make things worse. Maybe even if other readers wanted to add? I don’t know, I suppose it varies from person to person, day to day, hour to hour?
The 7th. Yuck. I hate seven.
As one of your friends yelled at the one-month mark, SUCK IT, SEVEN!!!
Just wanted to echo that today.
Thinking of you, always….my heart aches for your loss
.-= Katrina´s last blog ..Summer 2008 Portraits =-.
‘Every day that passes takes us further from the last time we touched her, held her, kissed her’
This line just took my breathe away, and filled my eyes with tears, again…
Hugs
.-= Childwoman´s last blog ..Things are different =-.
Childwoman
.-= Sarah´s last blog ..I want! I want! I want! =-.
Childwoman took the words right out of my mouth. Reading that part and you writing that everything still looks the same in your home and than you get to the dining room table…I cried throught this entire post. I still have a lump in my throat.
My thoughts are with you.
Thinking about you every day, Heather.
I am so sad for you guys, I really am. I don’t know what else to say. It’s just so sad.
3 months…I honestly can’t believe it. I don’t want to believe it. This fucking blows.
I wish I had better/more things to say, something more comforting or inspiring but I seem to be at a loss for words. It happens a lot when I come here, read and then I want to comment but feel like a whatever I type out sounds so wrong and so unimportant. But please know, that I am thinking of you everyday, I love you and am so proud and inspired by your strength. strength that at times you think you dont have but you do.
Like I told Matt, I’m honored to be friends, to be a part of your life and to have met Maddie even if it was only for a litttle while. *HUGS*
xoxoxoxoxo,
Tricia
ps. guess I had more words then I thought. lol
Even three months is too long. I’m so sorry.
.-= Rachael´s last blog ..Week 22/23 Update: Challenges & Goals =-.
The cruelest thing I can imagine. I send thoughts every single day.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..Over and Under =-.
Heather, I’m delurking. Have been reading you for quite some time. I am so, so, so, sorry. . . and your writing (and your daughter) are so, so, so beautiful. I hope time becomes kinder to you. That’s all.
I am thinking of you and your Maddie every day. Maddie is so special and will always be loved and remembered by so many.
I am so sorry for the god awful pain you are going through. I’m so sorry. I have been following your blog for some time but I never knew what to say. I wanted to reach out to you, but I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing.
I just want you to know that you are continually in my prayers. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of your beautiful Maddie, think of you. I have cried over your posts many a day. This post, I just wiped out a box of Kleenex over. There’s a lump in my throat – a catch in my breath. I’m so sorry that your precious baby girl was taken from you.
.-= Casey´s last blog .. =-.
I am so so so desperately sorry. It is beyond anything I can imagine. I honestly do not think I could bear it.
Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
I just wish there was something I could do to ease your pain… but I imagine there is nothing. How could there be? But if there is something… please let me know. And I’m so sorry if that sounds lame of me… I just sincerely wish I could help. And I am so beyond sorry.
It is totally and F***** not fair! And God is still silent when I ask Him why?
I don’t know what else to say except I care and prayers still abound for you and your family.
Heather, I am so, so sorry for your loss.
I lost my son 11 weeks ago- I feel your pain very well. I hate tha tI can say that. I also hate the fact that with each passing day, I am one day further from when I met him, touched him, kissed him. It is cruel.
Thinking of you.
jen
.-= jen from boston´s last blog ..It’s Hard Out Here for a Caucasian =-.
I can’t even imagine. But I read your blog and think of you often.
wow…just WOW. this is a REAL reaction…
I’m sorry….I’m so sorry…I am in tears, I cried today because (well, it doesn’t matter, and I don’t mean that in a bad way)
but really, I’m SO SORRY you have to go through this.
~Caryl~
I think all those things being left as they were is symbolic of that frozen moment in your lives. I hope that the healing process allows you both to find a happier state of things over the coming months, with the right kind of reminders left here and there.
I also hope you guys are looking forward to feeling everyone’s love and sympathy at BlogHer, and you can enjoy a few moments of time together, out of your heads and away from home. That way, you can have fun getting away from it all, and more fun coming back to it again.