Maddie and I spent the week before she got sick at my parents’ house. We kept a lot of her toys here. My parents have a big house, perfect for the big toys. At a flea market last year, they came across the cute little blue chairs that I took dozens of pictures of Maddie sitting in.
She loved those chairs. And she was fearless, climbing and standing on them. She loved to get on and off of the chair. And, of course, never the “right” way on and off. Although with Maddie, there was never a wrong way.
Now one of the chairs is in our apartment. It seems out of place – it was ALWAYS at my parents’ house. But it’s sitting there next to her piano and her other favorite toys. Maddie would have been SO excited to have her chair at her own house. So it stays, empty, and her toys stay, silent.
I took a video of her standing on her chair. I cut short the recording because she was getting a little TOO bold, and I was worried she might fall.
I can’t stop staring at her little knees. I don’t remember kissing them.
In the past, I’ve shared videos of Maddie every Friday. It was my lazy way of posting a blog update. And now I’m still posting them, but one of these days I’m going to run out of videos to post. I don’t know what I’ll do.
{ 177 comments… read them below or add one }
I am just heartbroken thinking about her empty little chair, her toys lying still. She was a beautiful little girl, so full of life. It just seems so wrong for things to be the way they are. You are in my thoughts and prayers today and every day.
Ames’s last blog post..Results are In.,..
(((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
I’m not sure what else to say
I don’t know you, but I love you
You’re in my prayers.
Delurking to give a quick hug…just because. <3
Jo’s last blog post..Depression sucks
You keep posting them Heather! Post the same video every single Friday……if that makes you happy. If that is what keeps you going. My son has been gone 9 months and 16 days. I miss him so much it hurts to breathe somedays. So. You do whatever you have to do to get through the minutes…the hours……the days.
I do love seeing them. All my love.
Every day, I click over from Matt Logelin’s blog to see if you have updated. Your posts break my heart. I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl. She was beautiful, vivacious, and so full of life and personality – this I can garner just from seeing her pics. I hope that she is there in your dreams tonight, to offer you some tiny measure of comfort. My heart aches for you and your husband.
I don’t know what to say, other than I am still praying for both of you, as are millions of other people, and I am in hopes those prayers are holding you two together during this difficult path that God has asked you to walk.
Keep posting and reposting and reposting… I, for one, would never get sick of them. She is amazing to watch.
Big hugs your way. You are amazing.
Kelly’s last blog post..Tiny dancer
keep reposting them, she is gorgeous.
You are such a strong & amazing woman,
you & your family are always in our thoughts & prayers.
Miri’s last blog post..Mad Scientist Art
The photos and videos are adorable. And the stories are so poignant. I am so sorry that you won’t have any new videos, but I was thinking what Kelly wrote, just keep re-posting the ones you do have. …. What a happy, beautiful little girl. I am just so very sorry for your loss. I can’t wrap my brain around the enormity of it and I am so sad that you have to live through it. Your family is in my thoughts every day and every night even though we are ‘strangers’. Sending hugs…wish there was more I could do.
When you run out of picutres or videos you can just start from the top again beacuse noone will ever be tired of seeing them again. Her kness were tiny although you may not rmemeber kissing them I am sure that you can recall the way they felt when you rubbed them with lotion after a bath. You studied and memorized every part of her and maybe you didn’t get to kiss all her bits and peices but you knew them well.
Charlane’s last blog post..Dear Keelyn,
You start all over, as I will never get bored of seeing those funny little movies. I had to laugh when she is standing on her tiny legs wiggling on the chair. Just like you I gasped at the moment she goes back… but finds her balance back in the right moment.
Photographs are nice, but movies give you the real essence of the person she was…
Big personality, let me tell you!
I will never never never forget her. She made such a huge impression on me, your little thunder cloud…
I wish you had a million more days with Maddie, so that you could kiss her knees, her toes, her curly hair, her sweet face, her baby arms.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. We are thinking of you and your hubby every day.
Lynn from For Love or Funny’s last blog post..A Sad State of Affairs
Oh luv, when you run out of videos just start over at the beginning. We love them all.
Heather, you inspire me to take more videos of my daughter. I have been lazy about that – and I have no idea why. Love love Maddie’s videos. Keep posting the same ones, or your favorites, or whatever gives you comfort. We will always love seeing them.
xo from CT,
Amanda
amanda’s last blog post..this little piggy went to market
I LOVE the picture where she’s pointing at Rigby and wearing the Halloween shirt. So adorable.
Joe @ Irrational Dad’s last blog post..The Non-Dad Stuff
I love watching Maddie! I’ve been thinking about your family since I heard about her death. I’ve been reading your archives, watching all your videos, and just enjoying her sweet face. Thank you for sharing.
Just know that Maddie’s smile makes everyone smile when they see it – not even the grumpiest soul could prevent their own lips from forming a smile in response. So keep posting whatever you want. Repeat the same thing daily…you never know who might need the power of her smile on that particular day.
{{{virtual hug from across the country}}}
Death is so cruel…all your pain and suffering. THey go so deep, there are no words. We all love you, and you will see her again. I believe that, I know it, and tht day will come.
heather~i can’t express the saddness i feel for you. i wish you could have had SO many more days with maddie this side of heaven. please know that my family and i are praying for you each and every day. i love that you are still posting…i check every day just to catch a glimpse of maddie’s smile.
annie’s last blog post..New Emerson Video!
Man, Heatherl, I’m so fucking sorry. How many times can I say that before it sounds trite and stupid (last known count 47)? Maddie was such a light, you know? I see her and she’s just surrounded with light.
I can’t imagine trying to live without her. I fucking wish you didn’t have to.
Becky’s last blog post..Imagine Me Down On My Knees and Groveling
I believe you are grieving in a very healthy way. Talking about Maddie and watching videos and looking at photographs is the most honorable thing you can do for her.
I am sure you loved on those knees even if you didn’t actually kiss them. You bathed them and you clothed them and you had them wrapped around you when you held her.
Oh how it sucks. I am so sorry. I keep coming back though to check on you all and to stare at your pretty girl with the sunny smile. She’s delicious. I wish over and over again that nothing happened, that I came to know your blog under better circumstances.
Christine’s last blog post..The daytime of the night…
I wish I could give you a hug. I’m so sorry.
I love these videos. She is so adorable and expressive. I can’t stay away from your blog even though it makes my heart hurt. Prayers coming your way…..
My heart just aches for you. You just keep posting videos, even if you already posted it before. Do what makes you feel good. and you are honoring her by doing this and looking over and over at her pictures….how could you not, she was beautiful and SO obviously happy, because of you and your husbands love. I love that you are getting out your feelings. That is more beneficial than you will ever know.
Babe, you would have kissed her knees.
I know it.
Every inch of that little girl was smothered in your kisses.
She was adored.
Hugs.
Like others said above, just post and re-post. Do whatever feels right to you. Don’t worry about the future too much, just concentrate on today, placing one foot in front of the other. Life will get better, the pain won’t ever go away, but it will become less raw. She was obviously adored and she will never be forgotten. Her little life did, and still is and will in the future, make a difference.
You, your family and your sweet little angel are still in my prayers.
Like everyone else has said just keep on sharing with us. If it makes you smile even a little just keep reposting because we will never tire of that sweet little face. Big puffy luff to you!
jen’s last blog post..Randome Tuesday Thoughts
I know this may not mean much but while i never took my daughter’s presence for granted, I make an even more concerted effort to make the most of every minute we have together because of you. I tear up when I imagine going through what you are experiencing. I wish I could do something to help, other than donating and writing, but I am at a loss. I can tell you that my little one loves her “Maddie’s Monster” and calls her Maddie so maybe that will help?
LizardBreath’s last blog post..Wow, just, yea, wow
My heart aches for you and your family.
I agree with the overwhelming majority — just keep posting them if that’s what you want to do. We will watch them. You may run out of videos, but you’ll never run out of memories, or love, or readers.
I love you. xoxoxoxoxoxo
Heather,
Good Morning from down here in Atl. Ga. I concur with everyone else… When you run out, hun, just start from the beginning. Your Maddie is such a delight to watch, I could never get tired of watching her… or her antics. (LOL) Take it one day at a time. When that gets to be too much, try moment to moment. You have a lot of people behind you.
You, Mike and Rigby take care… You are in my prayers everyday!!
Freda
I agree with some above – keep posting. I’m just a cyper reader who prays for you regularly way over here in Michigan and I keep finding myself repeating some of your vidoes. Your little Maddie’s smile is so beautiful!!! Thank you for sharing this little girl with us and continue if it helps you.
((Hugs)).
Just keep posting and reposting those videos. We’ll rewatch them with you gladly. I always loved those Friday videos. My daughter Maya would often copy the noises Maddie was making, it was too cute. Just now watching this one she got upset when she heard Maya cry a little.
I am sure that you kissed her knees. I am so glad that you have these videos of her. They are something that you will truly treasure. Thank you for sharing them with us!
one day at a time. try not to get ahead of yourself.
you can do this. i believe in you
xo
leel’s last blog post..freaky friday
So many have already said… once the videos run out, start posting from the beginning again… we will all be watching with you. Those knees are wonderful and I am sure you kissed them hundreds of times! As a mom myself, I know I have kissed my girls all over. I promise you – you have done the same with Maddie. It is a cool day here in MA but the perewinkle has opened up on our rock wall… little purple flowers *everywhere*. I almost want to snap a picture and send it to you. Take care of yourself today… moment by moment. We are all here for you however you need us to be. ((((hugs))))
You don’t know me, but I’m sending you my love. Your Maddie was (and is) so beautiful. I pray that you will continue to have the strength to *keep* living life to the fullest, as you already are.
robyn’s last blog post..Wedding Playlist (My Half)
the snapshots and movies you share of your sweet maddie’s life continue to bring joy to so many…she is making all of us appreciate the little things in life so much more. know that you and mike and maddie are loved by a little family in connecticut. be well…
Well, I’ve always loved looking at them over and over, so keep reposting them. I’ll never get sick of seeing the Moooooozer! Love you.
don’t ever stop posting them, Heather. never.
ali’s last blog post..the guitar-toting, toothless nun.
thinking of you today Heather. This just sucks, ya know? There’s only one way through it – and that’s through it. It pains me more than words allow to watch you go through this.
Thanks again for sharing – we’re all here to love and support you, I hope you can feel it.
Emily
You don’t know me..I’m in Omaha, NE…but I know you…and your family through your blog. I’ve hugged you, cried for you, screamed out loud WHY for you, laughed for you, hurt for you..the whole nine yards. I don’t know what to say…other than Maddie has THE BEST mom and dad out there…and please trust that He, our Lord, is holding her hand, making her laugh and smile, giving her little lungs the air she needsl….He has her..and is taking very very good care of your girl until you can join her. You don’t know me…but I love you and am praying for your heart, spirit and mind. Email me if you ever need anything..prissbabe@msn.com.
I’m so glad that you have these videos…….such precious memories for you.
nina’s last blog post..There is good…….
Like everyone else has said… if you post the same video 10 weeks in a row… none of us mind. She’s beautiful and we never get tired of hearing her little voice or laugh. Oh heather… we all ache for your loss!
Your pictures and videos of Maddie are a gift. And not just to you, though you and Mike count the most. If you run out of new videos of her, start reposting if that what makes you happy. I have no doubt that watching Maddie’s greatest hit would be a treat.
I was thinking about you last night before I went to bed (not in a weird way or anything) and I’m just totally impressed by how you’re making it through every day. I know grief isn’t a contest to be won, a race to finish or something like that and you and Mike are certainly more than entitled to be sad, to feel weak, to feel awful and miserable and mad and anything else you’d like. But, I’m so impressed, Heather, that you’re getting up every day and you’re breathing. Even though it has to feel like you’re breathing shards of glass, you’re still breathing.
Jamie’s last blog post..My kids make me want to cry
Still thinking about you…
Stefanie’s last blog post..Newsletter: Week 38
As everyone else has said, you keep posting. No one will ever tire of seeing the pictures and videos. I love seeing your beautiful girl. And my son always asks to see Maddie.
Though you may not specifically remember kissing her knees, I’m sure that you did. You probably did it with such regularity that it doesn’t stand out in your mind. But you’ll remember.
Trish’s last blog post..Proof that urine is acidic
heather- we have a “big boy seat” for jackson much like this blue seat in the video and pictures. he climbs and jumps and scares the shit out of me each time he’s in there.
i sat him in my lap just now to watch this video with me… he pointed at maddie, looked at me and smiled, then climbed out of my lap and went into his seat.
he then proceeded to climb over the back of it like a monkey. i imagine he did it because that’s what maddie would’ve done too.
i will kiss jackson’s knees for you… you’ll remember. promise.
nic @MyBottle’sUp!’s last blog post..it lies, but that’s ok
KEEP POSTING THEM! We LOVE them! We will keep loving them and will happily watch them for as long as you post them.
Would it help if I came over and danced on the chairs and let you video me?
I love you friend. MUCH. MUCH. MUCH. *hugs*
(((((HUGS)))))
Inanna’s last blog post..Rabbit, Rabbit!
I was on your YouTube channel last night, actually. I and many others will never tire of her giggles and smiles, so please post them all you like. If it helps you remember every little detail, if it helps you heal, then go for it.
Much Love from Canada, sweet Heather and Mike.
xoxo
Karen Sugarpants’s last blog post..Here’s the Thing: Sex Edu-ma-cation
When you run out of videos to post, you’ll find something else to post…I’m not sure what else…but you’ll figure it out…the heart is resilient…it can take much more than what we expect it to be able to.
The knees…I know you loved them and every other inch of her, she knows too and she’s smiling.
I’m not sure if I believe in Heaven, but if I did…I would picture Maddie climbing on all kinds of fun things now including more blue chairs….completely pain-free and healthy forever and in the loving company of the strong women in your life who are now spending time with her until you are all reunited.
wn’s last blog post..in my head
That Maddie- she always makes me smile whenever I see a video or picture of her. The shot with Rigby is adorable.
Hugs to you!
Bonnie’s last blog post..Sometimes you just know…
Praying for you today…I can not even comprehend such loss.
Stacy’s last blog post..Complete Randomness
i was cleaning my little girls room last night…it was a wreck.
I have been sick with the flu and bronchitis for 3 weeks so my 6 year old took advantage of that.
she had things in places of her room i didnt even know how she got them there….for a second i was upset with her..thinking to myself how long this was going to take to clean up…..
but then i thought of you & your precious madeline and i thought about how you would give anything to be able to clean up after maddie again….so i rejoiced in the mess. i am so sorry for your pain and my heart just goes out to you & your family.
you make me appreciate my daughter, thank you for that.
trinity’s last blog post..Jonathan’s creepy big sea monkeys…..
Absolutely, post your favorites over and over. This is about you, not anyone else, and you do what helps. I can’t imagine the pain you are going through. But you are in my prayers and thoughts. I am incredible sorry for your loss. Your beautiful daughter is no longer in pain and she’s waiting for the day you are together again.
I’d watch them all over and over.
I have been lurking since I have heard about Maddie’s passing. Once again, just another person you don’t know.
I just wanted to stop in and tell you how much I love Maddie. She makes me smile and I love when you put photos and videos up of her. I love hearing stories about her. And when you run out of videos…just keep playing the ones you’ve already played. You might see something in them differently by that time and you can write about that.
My daugther is 2 and I can’t even fathom what this must be like for you both. I wonder: “How are they getting out of bed? How are they eating? How do they make sense of this?!”
I’ve been praying for you both and I will always remember Madline Alice Spohr….her name, her two-toothed grin, her beautiful eyes are forever burned in my mind.
You have made a difference; I had no idea what the March of Dimes does for people but, after reading about your experience with them and how they helped you, I do now and I will give every year. My husband has never expressed any interest in walking in any sort of “walk” before and last Saturday, he walked for your Maddie. (I would have too but I’m having my own pregnancy complications at the moment)
Please stay strong and never stop posting photos and videos…..we need them and we need to see Maddie!
AnnD’s last blog post..
When you are done, you start again at the beginning. Writing and posting are therapeutic and healthy. Our Maddie’s Monsters arrived Wednesday. My children will not let them go. My daughter took hers to school today for show and tell. She reminded me that Maddie isn’t sick anymore as we prayed for you and your family last night at bedtime. You do what you need to do until you don’t need to do it anymore. It’s that simple.
I feel like a broken record. It seems my comments always contain the words “I’m so sorry” and “I think of you and Mike everyday”, but it’s the truth. I will always be sorry for your heartbreaking loss and you and your family will continue to cross my mind for a long, long time.
You know what you do when you run out of videos to post on Fridays? You start back at the beginning and re-post them.
Someone else said they believe you are grieving in a healthy way and I echo that.
I hope this comes out the way I intend it to, but you are helping me, too. Being a SAHM has its trying times and there are days I am *this* close to losing my mind. Last night, after a particularly trying day with my 3 year old, I was getting her into bed and her list of things she needed (a drink, a different blanket, a book, etc.) was rubbing on my last nerve. Just as I was about to snap at her that the crap had to stop, Maddie’s face flashed in my mind and thoughts of you and Mike followed. I took a deep breath, told myself that you two would give your souls to the Devil to have to deal with this and I felt the tension and the aggravation melting away.
Thank you. Thank you for helping me.
And again, I’m thinking of you and your family.
Kellie’s last blog post..In Which I Do Something I HATE…
**hugs**. and more hugs to you. my heart breaks into a million pieces for you every day and i am ALWAYS thinking of you, mike and your sweet, precious madeline. i am out here, sending you every bit of love i have and wrapping you in hugs from afar.
Post them again, I’ll watch them. More hugs. Wish there was something more to send across the wires.
Oh Heather…all of my love to you both, really. Just love.
I love watching the videos and looking at the pictures – I don’t care if I’ve seen them a thousand times before. I’m so sorry – I don’t have anything else to say except I think of you and your family so often and hope that you are making it through this horrible time. I wish I could do more for you.
TUWABVB’s last blog post..Waah.
We all love seeing Maddie’s pics and videos–just post and repost. I can tell she really loved her little blue chair. And I’m sure you kissed her little knees many times!
Jennifer’s last blog post..Well, I Wanted Something To Blog About…
(((HUGS)))
Keep posting those videos! We will watch them whether we’ve seen them or not! I also received my Maddie Monster and it’s darling! It’s so soft and too cute. My daughter sleeps with it at night
I told her that Maddie is her angel watching over her.
Hugs..
Dana
Dana Zap’s last blog post..Tue, Apr 28, 2009
i’m so, so sorry. it can’t be said enough. i can’t even comprehend your pain. maddie looks so happy in that video. how lucky you were to have her & how lucky she was to have you both.
You start again, kiddo. You just keep posting them over and over, until you decide you’re through. That’s what you do. That’s that, and that’s all. Take good care of yourself.
I loved those blue chairs the first time you posted them. And aren’t you so glad that you took all those pictures and videos?
More hugs from Canada
((( HUGS)))) Lots of LOVE and prayers…
Jodee’s last blog post..What an amazing father…
This blog is for you it’s your space, it’s the place nobody can stop you from doing anything you want to do. So you do what’s right for you, what makes you feel better, the thing that makes your heart feel soothed, happy, sad whatever you need, that’s what you do.
When you run out of videos, start all over again. The memories never stop and just because they aren’t New videos doesn’t mean they aren’t still wonderful videos. What a great thing to do, to remind everyone of all the great moments you shared.
Ashley’s last blog post..A Stoney Weekend
What perfect little knees. I am sure–POSITIVE–that you must have kissed them dozens–THOUSANDS–of times!
My prayers are with you and your family. You are such an amazing mom and had such a beautiful little girl. My heart breaks for you reading all of your posts. Maddie inspired all of us to love our kids deeper and to savor every moment with them. For that, we are all grateful. We are all here for you. I’m here for you if you ever need a friend nearby.
You can re-post the old videos over and over. Nobody here would mind. And even when you do run out of new videos to post, you’ll never run out of words to talk about Maddie.
Also, I agree with everyone else. Even if you don’t remember it, I’m sure you kissed her knees and every other inch of her.
Love to you & Mike.
cindy w’s last blog post..random stuff
Please keep reposting the videos. We would all like to see them, and see them over and over and over.
She’s so incredibly precious – so sweet.
Katie’s last blog post..Time to add onto the house
I came across your blog only recently. My heart breaks for you every single day. I wish I had something to say that I felt would really convey my sorrow for you. No one should ever have to endure what you now have to endure. Madeline was such a gorgeous child, indside and out.
Such a beautiful little girl.
cara’s last blog post..Friday Top Ten: Anywhere But Here
oh… hugs.
Thanks for sharing stories of Maddie and videos. I truly enjoy them! My heart breaks for you and your husband! You can keep reposting the videos…i don’t think anyone will ever tire of viewing them. Maddie was such a beautiful girl, with her big eyes and curly hair! Beautiful! HUGS! XO
I hope you will repost as many times as you want. Every picture and video of Maddie is a blessing. And retell all the stories too, as many times as you want. I believe speaking your truth and your pain helps ease it a tiny bit. This is your space and never think you could bore us. Much love to you and Mike
You can always start back at the beginning. Just as you never tire of sharing her life, we’ll never tire of watching those films.
*hugs*
I hope every chair around you is occupied by an angel. I send you love andf support everyday.
She is just SO cute!
You will make it through this even though it seems impossible right now.
You’re so strong. I just can’t imagine what you’re going through… I’m crying just thinking about it. My heart is with you and your family.
I am delurking here to tell you just how heart broken I am for you and your husband. There was something very special about Maddie, it is so obvious to me even though I never had the pleasure to meet her. She will always be special.
I have said it before, and I have to say it again, I seriously have never seen a happier baby. She had the biggest personality, the biggest smile, the biggest eyes, and even her cry (?) was cheerful. It is almost as if she knew she was not going to be here as long as she should have been because she lived every single moment. A chair, a little stuffed monster, a cartoon, these things are just things to us, but she showed us to enjoy even the most mundane things. The most amazing thing to me is how she was in the videos. She would look at whatever she was loving and then look back at you to be sure you were enjoying it too. I can imagine the fear you have of running out of videos, but I am hoping by the time that comes, there will be new videos of Maddies siblings and Maddies Mommy and Daddy feeling happiness and the lack of silence again. I think of you all the time and I pray for peace for you.
You know what, girlfriend. If you run out of videos, you just start again with the first one. We will watch each and every one of them with you! xoxo
Andrea’s Sweet Life’s last blog post..Different
she is with God now and you and your husband have all the beautiful memories to hang onto forever.
Baby EMERSON WHITE is fighting for her life in Omaha…pray for her and that will give you peace regarding your precious Maddie.
Just another blog follower writing to let you know I care. Your Sunshine Girl Madeline, you, Mike and your family are in my thoughts and prayers everyday. I have never met you but I am POSITIVE you kissed every inch of your precious girl a million times…I just know you did.
Take care of yourself ~ Michele from Staten Island, NY
My mama heart breaks for you every day. It must be excruciating to see her things, just as she left them. She was so full of passion, as are my two children and I cannot imagine the hole that has left in your heart and lives. I see the glint in her eye in that picture – almost like she’s challenging you. She looks like quite the little daredevil, which is what gave her what she needed to fight against the odds for so long. I am a stranger Heather, but I would do anything to comfort you right now. Just be there to do something for you, distract you. Hug you. Have you tell me stories of your beautiful little spirited baby. There must be many. And you will have an eternal video in your mind and heart of the times you had. Keep remembering her joy, even though you are dying inside. I send hugs, prayers and love. A stranger, yet a mother. Something about being a mother bonds us together like nothing else in this world. Much love,
tricia x
Tricia (irishsamom)’s last blog post..Hope for Spring
I’ll watch your videos over and over. Like everyone else say’s just keep reposting them. I see Maddie in my daughter every day and can’t imagine how you even type your posts. You are so strong. Just keep doing what you are doing. My love and hope as well as thousands of others will help to hold you up for quite some time. love
angie
I read your blog every Friday and I cry. (my bosses probably think I’m nuts)
I go home every Friday and hug my two boys and think about you and Maddie. You remind me every day to give thanks for my children. Praying for peace for you… xoxo.
I’m delurking too…because I want you to know that Maddie isn’t forgettable…even if you run out of videos.
Hope you have some moments of peace in your day today!
The pics and video were adorable today. Just keep doing what you need to do to get thru each day. We’ll be here doing what ever we can to lift you up.
She is just lovely to look at and watch. And I will continue to watch for as long as you post. Thank you for sharing her with me, I am better for it.
I follow your tweets, and I read your blog. I admire the strong people that Maddie created in her parents.
I admire the way Maddie makes you pick up your camera.. yes,, she still is there , in your heart..and she.. will help you to continue your journey..
I echo all of the comments above. You can post videos and photos and watch and re-watch things as often as you like. How wonderful that you have such beautiful images to look at now. I also think that Maddie will help you and Mike as you continue on in life. Someday, when you are ready, you may have someone else who you will also love. You will never, ever, ever forget Maddie or love her any less. But someday, perhaps…
And this other son or daughter will appreciate and love that there are such photos to look at and videos to watch of the amazing Maddie.
And until then, and even after, may you always find comfort in the happy beautiful Maddie that brings so much light to those around her (and even those who did not get to meet her).
Wishing you much peace…
The first thing that came to my mind was what everyone else has said, repost them!! You cant get enough of those georgous eyes, I have never seen anything like them. Ya’ll are in my prayers!!
What a blessing to have the movies and pictures you have!!
Tauni’s last blog post..Stress people STRESS!!!!
She is so beautiful!!!
Katelyn’s last blog post..Fix-It Friday-My Shaddow
Oh! Really cute knees!!
mythoughtsonthat’s last blog post..Reality
I like the videos of Maddie, she’s so bright and shiny.
I like all the photos you post, they almost seem like videos, the way Maddie sort of jumps out of them with her big smile and eyes.
I like the words you write and the way you write them. They’re poignant, they’re smart, they’re funny and beautiful. They are heartbreaking. They’re honest.
Hey Heather, I don’t know if this will help or not, but what you could do on Fridays is post a picture and share a memory from when you took it? I REALLY don’t know if that’ll help any…but I do know you have a lot of awesome pictures!!
Antonia’s last blog post..Define 10 Years…
Never stop letting us see this beautiful face.She is like the first flowers of spring. Please just keep us with the photos and videos…she is like peeking in through a window of heaven.
she COULD NOT be more beautiful or charming.
i’ve watched most/all? of the flickr videos. now, whenever i say “wow”, i think of her little voice saying it, with her little eyebrows going up, and it really, really makes me smile. and i think of her, that when she saw all of the beauty that she is now surrounded by in heaven, really putting that adorable WooooooW to use. there are so many people that love maddie, even without ever having met her.
Heather: I think about you & your family often…and like many of your other readers, I don’t even know you. The photos & video of Maddie are wonderful. I was having a frustrating day a few weeks ago and saw her infectious smile and immediately felt better. I have truly never seen a more beautiful little girl. Ever. Much love to you all!
You just keep posting all the photos and videos you want, and if anyone comes across your blog and doesn’t want to see it, they can go somewhere else. Post, and write and cry as much as you have to and everyone here will cry with you as long as you need the support.
feefifoto’s last blog post..More Power To Me
I am on bed rest at the hospital and I come here to read your blog daily. I know it sounds crazy, But your sadness has brought me a since of hope. Since I was admitted, all I have done is worry about losing my baby. And now I think that even if I lose my baby, (which will suck) I will have loved her to the fullest. I will enjoy everyday and I will take pictures everyday. And I will remember not to take things for granted.
I am awefully sorry for your loss. And I can’t imagine things getting any better anytime soon. But I hope for the best. I hope that each day goes by maybe your heart will ache a little less. And maybe it will be easer to get up in the morning.
Jade in Nebraska
Thank you for sharing. And thank you for reminding us all not to take anything for granted. I love seeing the pictures and videos of your little girl, and I feel compelled now to go home and kiss my little girl’s knees. Again, thank you so much for that reminder.
it’s just all so unfair. i’m sorry.
My heart is breaking for you. Please know that I think of you often, even though we have never met and live on opposite sides of the country. I pray for you and your family everyday. Your Maddie is a precious angel.
my son, who is just 2 months older than maddie, came over while i was watching the video and i played it again for him to see. he giggled at the pretty girl and he cried when the video stopped. i hugged him and said “me, too, mattie. me, too.” so sorry for your loss. i pray for you every day.
When I read your posts it is hard to keep me heart from breaking. You are amazing to keep blogging like this and I send you my thoughts and hugs. I am so sorry for your loss. It is felt by many around the blogosphere and I can’t find the right words to say to express how deeply sad I feel for the loss of your little girl and I have never even met you guys.
When I read the comments my eyes sting with tears. I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel. God bless you.
What an exquisite child…I am so sorry…I know that doesn’t even begin to help….my best friend lost her daughter at 19 in a car accident and has used her blog to heal…you are in my thoughts and prayers…
I discovered your blog last week and can’t stop thinking about you, Mike, and your beautiful daughter. I go back and reread your posts knowing that I will have a lump in my throat and tears streaming down my cheeks, but I am drawn to your little Maddie. She has a captivating smile and a beautiful glow.
I am so terribly sorry that your beautiful Maddie was taken from you so soon in her promising young life. My prayer for Maddie is that she is surrounded by angels and can breathe deeply, easily, without pain or discomfort. My prayer for you and Mike and your families is that you find some comfort in the prayers and love from all of us who have read your blogs.
I had never heard of Maddie until right before all of this happened…now I check your blog and find myself tearful and so, so sad for your loss. Maddie is beautiful in the pictures and videos…thank you for sharing and you are in my prayers.
Everyone should know or know of one person like Maddie. Her smile shines when the circumstances of her life would be for anyone else a reason to cry. Her giggles give perspective to the hardest of situations and her love for the world around her is amazing.
Please notice that there is no past tense. She IS amazing. She IS beautiful. She IS your daughter and she IS loved my more people than most people experience in a life decades long.
Keep sharing!
Hugs!
When you run out of videos to play, start all over again from the beginning. We love watching them!
I am confident that you did..
I know in my heart that you kissed her knees, her tummy, her toes, her ears….
You’re a wonderful mother Heather.
Thinking of you tonight.
what a treasure.
My heart continues to break…what a beautiful soul.
I ran across your blog in early April. I don’t know you, but my heart breaks for you and your family. I am just so sorry. I wanted to write that you are in my thoughts. I can’t imagine how your heart hurts. Thinking of you from Chicago…
I tried to tell my husband about your beautiful little Madeline but I can’t even mention her without crying. I’ve been thinking of your family almost constantly.
I have been wanting to leave a comment for awhile now but I just don’t know what to say that is really going to help. I am so sorry gor your loss. Seeing the videos and pictures makes it even harder and the tears start falling. She was such a beautiful little girl. I can learn a lot from her. Your family is in my throughts and prayers.
Her smile melts my heart..
I dont think there is a day that goes by that i dont think of that smile. Although i dont know your family personally, i always thought that Maddie was something special when i first started reading your blog.
I just want you to know that. Maddie’s smile touched many peoples hearts. Whether it be donating to the March of Dimes, or learning to not take someone you love for granted, Maddie is teaching us all a little something. She is really something special.
You are continually in my thoughts and prayers..
jen’s last blog post..i hate the news.
I regret I never knew you and Maddie together – just you from Y’s post about the food bank. That said, she is the most electric child and she so got those genes from her mother. It is so pathetic I cannot come up with something better to say but “hugs”.
What a beautiful little girl. I’m so sorry for your loss. Your family is in my prayers.
Sarah’s last blog post..
Bubba…the same term I use for my kids. So sweet. Haven’t forgotten you or your beautiful girl. Thanks for continuing to share her with us.
Connie
I’m one of “those people” you do not know. Unfortunately, I have only found your blog since the illness/loss of your beloved Maddie. I am childless by choice, but I have a number of beloved baby nieces and nephews, via my sister and my nieces-in-law. I shared your story with my sister, who has 6 and 3 year old daughters. She, as I, BAWLED. As thousands of others have said to you and your husband, “I am so sorry on the loss of Maddie.” I also want to say, “We are so sorry we can only say we are so sorry.” I am babysitting my 6 and 3 year old nieces this weekend. Rest assured, every time I hug and kiss them, I will think of you and Maddie.
Cindy’s last blog post..I Won An Award!
you can post them all over again. i would love to them over and over again.
I just want to start off by saying that you and your husband are extremely strong, and inspirational. The way you’ve handled the death of your beautiful little girl is unbelievable, to say the least. You’ve taken what some people who consider a tragedy, and turned it into triumph and that is an amazing thing.
My husband and I lost our firstborn girl, Esther, at 32 weeks. I delivered her when she was already gone. It was the hardest thing I had to do in my whole life. We got to hold her, dress her, and sleep with her until they took her away the next morning. I’d give anything to have just one more look at her.
.. I said all that to say this. People who have lost a child have experienced something unexplainable and something that no one else will understand unless they have been through it themselves. When I read your blog, and see your pictures, I cry just as if she were my own. I feel a connection with it and I hope this doesn’t upset you, but I feel your pain.
Sometimes it just doesn’t feel fair, and it feels that we’ve been cheated out of so much. A whole lifetime of potential memories, gone… But you know what I always remind myself when I start thinking those things? How many people can say that they have a child patiently waiting for them in heaven? How many people have their own personal guardian angel watching over them at all time? We do
Thanks for taking the time to read this, and God Bless you and your family. Beautiful little Maddie has touched so many people’s hearts, including mine.
Rebekah Bautista
I’m sure that you will never run out of videos since you love your child and everyday will be exciting to be spend on your child.
Palabuzz’s last blog post..Charice Pempengco releases new album
You know what, you post your videos like crazy, b/c this world sorely needs more beauty and angelic presences right now. So , I know I’ll be here for my daily slice of heaven..
I wanted to share this very old poem with you because it reminded me so much of the image of sweet Madeline’s empty chair.
Little Boy Blue
by Eugene Field (1850-1895)
The little toy dog is covered with dust,
But sturdy and stanch he stands;
And the little toy soldier is red with rust,
And his musket moulds in his hands.
Time was when the little toy dog was new,
And the soldier was passing fair;
And that was the time when our Little Boy Blue
Kissed them and put them there.
“Now, don’t you go till I come,” he said,
“And don’t you make any noise!”
So, toddling off to his trundle-bed,
He dreamt of the pretty toys;
And, as he was dreaming, an angel song
Awakened our Little Boy Blue—
Oh! the years are many, the years are long,
But the little toy friends are true!
Ay, faithful to Little Boy Blue they stand,
Each in the same old place—
Awaiting the touch of a little hand,
The smile of a little face;
And they wonder, as waiting the long years through
In the dust of that little chair,
What has become of our Little Boy Blue,
Since he kissed them and put them there.
Your courage is inspiring!
Heather, I to enjoy reading your blog and seeing your beautiful daughter. I have no words but only love and that I think and pray every day for you and your family. You have made me realize that life is way to short and to value every day with my son who is three days younger then Maddie. Thank you for sharing the memory of your beautiful daughter every day. Hugs
I am another stranger who does not know you, but who has been so touched by you and your Maddie. I have read so many posts about your daughter and your family that it is inexplicable to me how you are surviving such a deep loss. The strength you have shown in the face of your loss is incredible. I have no idea where you go from here, but I wanted you to know that I am someone who thinks you are amazing. Your daughter was a joy in your life and the world, thank you for sharing her.
Heather – When my father passed I grabbed an old shirt he wore regularly and a stone that was part of something he created. His scent still lingered on the shirt and I would hold the stone in my hand with my eyes closed imagining that his fingerprints remained. I could picture my hand on his with that stone and found great consolation in the sense that although he wasn’t physically there, indications of him prevailed.
I am so sorry her chair sits empty and that you can’t recall kissing her knees, but even though I don’t know you, I can say with confidence that there couldn’t have been one part of her or a moment that you weren’t in awe of! I truly hope that chair will one day soon become a source of great joy even in the sadness!
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Just another stranger who is grieving with you. I wanted to let you know that I have cried for your loss, and prayed for your comfort. I agree whole heartedly with what you have said– no one should have to bury their child.
I know time must pass so painfully right now, but you are obviously an amazing person, blessed with an amazing child, who is now going through an incredibly difficult time. I wish there was something that could be done to change this tragedy, but know that Madeline has made a difference, and keep going! I love seeing her pictures, and hearing the stories.
Oh, she had your number all right, didn’t she? I thank you for sharing these. I hope they tickle you to as a kind of comfort.
patois’s last blog post..The Weekly Wonderings #106
this post breaks my heart.. i too am 30 and have a sweet little girl. maddie reminds me so much of her while she wrangles that chair.. tenacious and determined. breaks my heart, i think i’ve read it 7 times.
jayne’s last blog post..dorothy. sweet dorothy.
Once again, I feel that my words are woefully inadequate to express the sorrow and love I feel towards you and your family, despite never having met any of you. After a close friend of mine died at a young age, someone shared the following theory with me. Just as we pick the most beautiful flowers from our garden to bring inside the house to brighten our days, perhaps God does the same. Maddie was certainly a beautiful flower, and I can understand how everyone would want her to brighten their day. I don’t know if this is of any help to you, but it helped me a little. As always, I’m thinking about you and wishing you peace.
I can not find the words to express the sadness in my heart for you and your family. I am sooooo sorry for your loss. There shouldn’t be empty chairs.
hugs!
melanie’s last blog post..A little of this and that…
One day at a time Heather. One moment. One breath. One day.
You and Mike continue to be in my thoughts and know that while I may be many, many miles away I send you strength across those miles that you find peace and comfort.
P
You and your husband are in my thoughts. Such a sweet video
Amy’s last blog post..Maddie is sick again
dear heather,
i think of you often, i found your blog only after your sweet maddie had passed away. she is one of the most beautiful babies i’ve ever seen. i just finished reading a post you had written about her eyes. i don’t know how you and your husband keep going, you both are amazing-no wonder your maddie was so incredible in life and continues to be so amazing even though she is no longer physically here.
if it means anything at all -just know that each time i think about you or are overwhelmed by my own sweet children- i hold them just a bit tighter and appreciate their prescence more. children are a gift a blessing and my prayers and thoughts continue to be with you and your husband. i hope oneday, some how God can bring you a measure of peace.
I am so so sorry. I do not know what else to say – god I wish I knew what to say, something that could be done so you or no one else would ever have to go through this. I come to your blog often since I have found out about Maddie and I am heart broken every time I leave, I just cant make sense of it, it does not seem like it can be real, how someone that was so alive can no longer be here. I agree with others, I do not think anyone will ever get tired of seeing Maddie even if they are the same videos. I will be walking tomorrow for March of Dimes and in honor of Maddie and I will be thinking about you and your family the entire time.
You are such an exceptional person to share your story the way you have and to bring about the extra awareness and funds to March of Dimes so hopefully less and less parents will have to go through what you have endured. Maddie is an amazing little girl – I say ‘is’ because I believe her soul is still alive and I love reading about her and watching her in videos.
She was perfection.
No one in their right mind will hold it against you if you just start over positing the same videos considering how beautiful your daughter is in all of them…not that that’ll help any when and if you do start recycling them. I found your blog because I was reading Matt Logelin’s. I wish I’d known about Maddie while she was still alive. Just looking at movies and picture have still gotten to me. The post when you picked up her urn and said that two curls of her hair wasn’t enough got to me the most. Children should never have to die.
hugs, Heather (and Mike)…you may run out of new videos, but you’ll never run out of Maddie in your heart.
pgoodness’s last blog post..Deep thoughts
I was introduced to your blog just after you lost your beautiful daughter and I come back frequently to check on you. Keep talking about her, for as long as you need. I can’t even begin to relate to your circumstance but I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.
Heather, Your pain jumps through the computer into my heart. I am so sorry, so so sorry. You are well read and well loved. I hope on some level, the incredible response you are getting helps you know that Maddie won’t be forgotten. Hugs and prayers, Linda from RR
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It’s 3:30 am here. Robbie woke up about 1:30 and has remained adamant that he does NOT want to sleep any more. I was patting his back and shushing him, begging begging begging him to please go to sleep.. so frustrated.
You and Maddie came to mind and I thought how much you’d give to have one more sleepless night with Maddie.
Robbie and I are up now. He’s talking to himself a few feet from me and I’m watching him, counting my blessings and praying for you.
–Trish
Trish’s last blog post..Sitting Up
I do not know you but I love you and I am so sorry for you. Thank you for sharing your sweet Maddie with me.
I am so sorry. I am thinking of you and Mike and hoping God pours his comfort over you.
Reruns.
Some channels thrive on nothing but reruns.
So will we.
We will watch them over and over and over again. Right along with you.
No mommy should have to go through this. Not one.
Have you given any thought to a support group? Those that are grieving along with you can understand like no one else. Just an idea…
Prayers and love to both of you. Maddie’s memory will always live on.
Just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you today. And yesterday. And every day. Sending you lots of love and hugs.
Have been reading your story from across the Atlantic. We have never met nor communicated until this, but I think of you often. Heartbroken for you both, words so inadequate and useless. May you find the strength you need – you have already shown more than I can imagine I could ever have walking in your shoes.
Your daughter was and is beautiful. I am so desperately sorry for your loss.
Your candles burned brightly this morning in church and I thought of you and Maddie the whole time. I would love to watch re-runs on the “Maddie channel,” so keep on posting them if that’s what you need to do. My heart aches for your family. I pray that God will strengthen you and comfort you until that glorious day when you will see your Maddie again, when you are all home together.
Heather & Mike,
I can’t think of a fancy way to say this… I just want to let you know that I’m out here pulling for you to get through the pain as best you can.
Jill’s last blog post..Why I’m happy about this whole blogging thing
That is a beautiful baby, everytime I come to your blog it makes my heart melt then break. You are always in my prayers.
I don’t know either, Heather. I’m just so sad for your loss.
HeatherPride’s last blog post..Adventures in Babysitting
Heather you keep posting the videos over and over again…we’ll all be here ready to watch and share them with you. i still think of you daily and i’m heartbroken over maddie’s empty chair. you’re right…she was perfect and i feel lucky to have only *known* her virtually.
<3
Sareh’s last blog post..The name of the game is….POOP!
Hoping you two are ok and survived the day..
My parents lost my brother some 19 years ago and seeing what it did to them will forever haunt me. But they DID make it through and went on to have fulfilling lives. It took time of course but I am amazed they DID go on to LIVE. At that time I doubted they could. There is hope for the future for you and your husband but right now just concentrate on remembering, grieving and making it through the day. One day at a time.
Be good to yourself and each other. Stay close and remember you both loved her so very dearly. I am so very sorry for your great loss. And to all those who say you are amazing for living through this I feel bad. You have no other choice really. If you had your way I am sure you WOULDN’T HAVE TO DO THIS. Keep on living, breathing and taking it one day at a time…
Hugs, Amy
We love you. I would say more but I can’t see through my tears.
So. We love you.
Mrs. Flinger’s last blog post..Sexy Code: Bringin’ It
Just repeat them! It will ok to share the same ones!
I look at all your beautiful pictures, and I cannot believe that such joy is now gone from this world. The world is dimmer now without her light in it.
Your passion for your daughter is beautiful and overwhelming. I am sitting here in tears after reading your post. I want to wake up all three of my children and smother them until they tell me to stop. I am so sorry about Maddie. Thanks for keeping her memory alive with words, pictures and videos. She should be here…
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My heart aches for you guys. The videos never need to end – we love you and we love Maddie and I’ll sit watching these videos over and over.
Amy in OHio’s last blog post..You gotta see this
I have no idea who you are, or even how I stumbled upon this post, but I do know this much:
Actually, I don’t know anything. Not when it comes to what you must be going through.
Just some more well wishes from a stranger and a parent, and appreciation for the beauty that still lives on in your little Maddie’s memory…