Madeline has mastered the fake cry. She wails, kicks her legs around, and starts the waterworks whenever she sees fit. She’s so good at her fake cry that she often fools her grandparents and daddy. She can’t fool me, however. I know Maddie’s “tell.” She farts when she’s scared.
I discovered this when she had her one-year vaccines. The stench in the doctor’s office was so awful I made a joke about the crap being scared out of her. Then a few days later, Maddie let out a huge toot after Rigby barked into her sleeping face. While not pleasant, her flatulence DOES come in handy. I like knowing when my baby needs comforting and when she’s being a little faker.
Before you think I’m some heartless mom, let me give you some examples. Maddie currently HATES her stroller and her car seat. She will often start “crying” hysterically in an attempt to get me to remove her from her restraints. If I’m driving I obviously can’t take her out of her car seat. But, if I get a whiff of rotten eggs, I know something has upset her to the point that I should pull over and climb into the back seat.
She normally likes playing games of peek a boo, and she often screams and laughs hysterically if someone jumps out at her from behind something. Knowing this, my friend Brianne jumped out at her the other day while we were shopping. Maddie let out the same scream she always does…and then I heard a bunch of little pops like a tiny machine gun was in her diaper. The tears were real that time. (Don’t worry, Brianne and Maddie made up.)
Or, this morning. Maddie is crawling and pulling herself up and over things like mad. It’s fun to watch, but it often leads to some bumps and falls. I always attempt to keep myself from gasping and scooping her up when she tumbles – 99% of the time she’s fine, so there’s no need for any reaction from me at all. Mike was carrying her when out of nowhere she arched her back, flinging herself out of his arms. Mike quickly grabbed her by the legs, but she swung backward, twisted and hit her forehead on my computer screen. Mike and I were both silent, staring at Maddie as she contorted her mouth into a giant “OH!!!” Before any noise came out, we heard the unmistakable sound of a pants ripper. Mike had her in his arms before she found her voice.
And, you know, the big bruise that appeared almost instantly was a good indicator that she wasn’t faking.
Note to future Maddie. Yep, I wrote about your farts. Consider this payback for the other day when, on the changing table, you put your foot in your dirty diaper and then KICKED ME IN THE FACE WITH YOUR POOPY TOES.
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
Hee hee! Let me catch my breath! Man – if I hadn’t been a fan of your blog before now, this one would have cinched it for me! Thanks for an uproarious start to my morning! (I especially like the note to future Maddie!)
Lucys last blog post..From McMama to Super mum
Thank you for the Monday morning laugh – that last note was pretty funny.
Give Maddie a kiss on her ‘owie’ for me. 
Oh my hell – that is the funniest thing I’ve read in a while. Those forehead bruises always look nastier than they are – Emmie is sporting one right now from a bathtub incident.
Anna Maries last blog post..Itty bitty entry
I can’t believe you wrote about my incident! Poor Maddie. She looked at me like I was the devil. And I felt like I was. Still do a little. Now we know she DOESN’T like being scared anymore. Wish I could have heard the farts. They at least would have made me laugh.
Oh the face…she is teh precious. It’s not a real childhood until you have a bruise worthy of sideways glances at a Target “did the Mama or didn’t she?”
And the foot of poop? Wishing there were pictures of THAT moment.
When’s the video of miss thing doing the touchdown coming? I’m still waiting!
Anissa@hope4peytons last blog post..and the house goes to….(guess who watched the Golden Globes last night)
On account of your foot phobia, I’d call that your worst nightmare coming true!
It’s always a pick-me-up when you post.
Marias last blog post..weekly winners – jan 3-10
Future Maddie, I hope you’ve grown out of this by the time you have your: first day of school, first sleep over, and most importantly first date. Could be embarrassing.
Whenever I did something uncouth as a teenager, my mom always followed it with “I hope you wouldn’t do that on a date.” This is one of those things.
Love you girls (and Mike)
Dude. I’m hiding this post from The Daver who will just insist that he farts because he’s “a-scared.” Which is bullshit. He farts to annoy me to death.
Aunt Beckys last blog post..What, Me Neurotic?
I wish my daughter had a tell. Sadly, I struggle to tell the difference between the reals and the fakes. She can now produce real tears on command. Major suck.
The poopie foot in the face sounds AWFUL.
Caras last blog post..Comfort Food
I do sure hope she grows out of this, too.
patoiss last blog post..Thunder Road
And here I thought I was the only one who did that.
Kristabellas last blog post..Frankie Says Relax
H -
Mr. and I can not stop laughing. The look on her face is classic. Having all boys the gas is a constant issue around here and they don’t have to be scared to rip one.
Mr. says she’s got a lot of “brow” LOL! They look brushed. 
preTzels last blog post..I Think I Am Part Bear.
HAAHHHAAA. I had a totally witty comment to make until I read the PS and now all I can think is:
Poopy FEET In Heather’s FACE?!
I can ONLY imagine your reaction.
(And she looks ADORABLE in those pictures, bruise and all. Where did all that hair come from?! Has it been that long since I’ve seen her? We need to remedy that, btw.)
AMomTwoBoyss last blog post..A Quiz
OMG Dying!!!!
I can’t help but laugh when farts are involved. Hi, I’m 12. LOL
sam {temptingmama}s last blog post..Floating Like A Rock
I fart when I’m nervous. I know how she feels. The more nervous, the more stinky.
OMG I am just dying over this post and some of the comments too! People at work are looking at me like i’ve gone nuts, laughing this way!
your postscript has made me think of many, many reasons to never feel guilty for anything I post about my girls!
Aprils last blog post..W
poopy toes kicks are fantastic aren’t they? just part of the joys that people don’t talk about before you have kids
That face!! Too precious. This had me just rolling.
Is it sad that I would rather subject myself to the smell of rotten eggs than to the unnatural stench that Tyler can create?
{ 2 trackbacks }