Some of you loved every minute of high school and I don’t begrudge you that. Really, I don’t. Not your high school sweetheart, not the Friday nights at the football game, not the keg parties, none of that stuff. I’m totally glad you had a great time. If I sound a little insincere, however, it’s because my high school years were about as miserable as the four years I spent in the California State Penitentiary. (Or at least what I imagine four years in jail would be like.)
Instead of sending me to the local public high school with my friends, my mother decided I would be better off at a private high school in our town. This school – my high school – was a tad unusual:
1. There was no football team.
2. There was no baseball team until I founded one my sophomore year.
3. There were only 135 kids in the ENTIRE school.
4. My class had just 35 students…only eight of which were girls. Making matters worse was the fact that two of them were so unattractive I only realized they were girls second semester.
5. The school was established by Mormons, so the majority of the students were Mormon. This meant that, combined with the dearth of female students, the chances of a guy losing his virginity were practically nil. And, as you can imagine, there were no keg parties.
6. The Mormon history of the school also meant that there wasn’t a caffeinated soda to be found on campus. This, as people who know me will attest to, did NOT make me happy.
7. Even though the school prided itself on offering a quality education, it was always afraid of having to close down because of its lack of students, so from time to time it would allow in kids who had been kicked out of other schools. As a result, mixed in with the lilywhite Mormon kids was a crew of psychotic punks you had to seriously watch out for.
8. And a bunch of other reasons…but you get the idea.
I felt like an outsider all four years. I was friendly with people when I was at school, but I rarely ever saw anyone from school off campus. I had few real “friends.” And while there were some nice kids there – one of whom even pledged that when the apocalypse comes I’ll be welcome to join his family in Missouri – there were plenty who treated me like shit. And some who made my life absolutely miserable.
I bring all this up because recently I got the chance to get a little vengeance on at least one of those a-holes. Before I explain how, however, I must give a little back story.
There was this one Mormon kid I went to school with – let’s call him Dick for soon to be obvious reasons – who I was less than fond of. He was totally unstable mentally, and had the annoying habit of, out of the blue, kicking guys in the balls incredibly hard apropos of nothing. No one ever called him on it though because he was six foot four, two hundred and fifty pounds, and freakishly strong.
One Friday night I was driving home up the dark, sparsely populated hills that lead to my parent’s home when a car pulled up alongside me going the wrong way. I looked over at the car and saw that the driver was wearing a ski mask. I gasped as the driver rolled down the window, raised a rifle, and pointed it at me.
I hit the gas and flew up the hill, swerving around sharp turns at eighty, ninety, a hundred miles per hours. I could have been killed. When I pulled into the driveway of my home I killed my lights and looked back down the road. The gunman, thankfully, was nowhere in sight.
I ran inside and told my parents, but they seemed dubious about my story.
“A guy in a ski mask pointed a gun at you?” my dad asked. “Really?”
“Yes!” I replied. “Just now!”
“Should we call the police?” my mother asked, atypically blasé. She then added, “Did this really happen?”
I rolled my eyes and said I was going to bed.
The next Monday I was telling some kids at school about what happened when Dick strutted up and said, “Say, Mike, did this gunman have on a ski-mask?” I furrowed my brow and said, “Yeah. How did you know?” He smiled and said, “’Cause it was me.” He then pulled the ski mask from his pocket and said, “You should have seen you face!” He soon strolled off, cackling like a madman.
In hindsight I should have done something. Tackled him, punched him, hit him over the head with a baseball bat, keyed his car….SOMETHING! But I did nothing because, well, as I mentioned early, he was gigantic with freakish strength and mental health issues.
For years I dreamt about getting revenge on Dick, and then yesterday I was on Facebook and, inexplicably, up popped a friend request from none other than Dick. I stared at it in shock a long beat, then, despite the fact I had never done so before, hit the “Ignore Request” button. His photo and request immediately disappeared.
I leaned back, put my hands behind my head, and felt a strange sense of satisfaction. It may not have been as sweet as, say, hitting him over the head with a bat, but you know what? It was something and I’ll take it. Thanks, Facebook!
Captain Dumbass says:
That is messed up. He’s probably really sad now that he wasted what little computer time he’s granted in prison on that friend request.
Captain Dumbasss last blog post..Spiderman, Girls & Pick A State
Surfer Jay says:
Ah sweet and somewhat odd near vengence. Kick him square in the facebook nuts.
Dude, I was raised mormon and I gotta say I’ve never heard of a mormon high school (must have been in utah I presume? only they would do some uncalled for shit like that). Sucks to be you man, only 8 chicks, whats up with that. That brings a whole new reality to having harry palms. But then again you could go to hell for that, so…
By the way, may I reccomend that you get a plugin which would allow us commentors to ‘subscribe’ to the comments here. Would be very handy so we can read the comments in our e-mail and not have to check back in all the time.
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Backpacking Dad says:
The friend request to my high school girlfriend is still pending. I think she doesn’t like like me anymore.
Backpacking Dads last blog post..Grocery Aisle Karma (GAK)
All 3 of my high schools were at least 70% Mormon because they were in Utah and Idaho. As an ex-Mormon, I apologize for all the ass-holes you had to deal with. There are good people and bad in every group, but there is definitely a tendency for there to be more self-righteous jerks in that particular group. Glad you got some closure on the whole ski mask thing.
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A Free Man says:
OK, this is a twist. I’ve been bemoaning Facebook because all these assholes from high school are finding me and weaseling their ways back in to my life. I hadn’t thought of the revenge angle. Excellent.
Dear Mike – Remember that once time I put on a ski mask and pulled a gun on you? Wasn’t that awesome?! Can’t wait to reconnect – Dick
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Slow down there, rebel!!! I’m not sure you thought this completely through. You should have accepted the request. Then you could have looked at his profile and comments. Better still, you could have written on his wall!!! Something like, “yur a big old meanie. Yur nuthin but a giant jerkface. I hope you step on a crack today and brake yourr momma’s back!!!”
Then, delete him as a friend! WINNER!!!
Joes last blog post..My baby girl!!
Facebook is interesting. People that you only marginally knew or were not friends with for a reason, come out of the woodwork to add you to their friend list. I have ignored a few. Because I think to myself, do I really want THAT person seeing what I am doing in my life? Too much information, man!
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i went to a really small orthodox jewish high school.
i feel your pain.
i SO feel your pain.
alis last blog post..an anteater who can’t get it up and NOT Jonbenet
What a freaking jackass. There’s really nothing I hate more than a bully. I can’t believe what a punk he was.
Well, if he was 250 in high school I bet he’s pushing 500 now! That combined with your Facebook smack-down should give you some sense of satisfaction!
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Daddy Dan says:
And I thought my high school years sucked…
Thanks for making me feel better, Mike!
Daddy Dans last blog post..Farewell and Goodbye
Ms. Moon says:
This post explains so much.
Bless your heart, Mike.
And isn’t it funny that all these years later you are getting a sort of revenge via a method yet undreamed of when he pulled that rifle on you?
Man, I feel sorry for his kids.
Ms. Moons last blog post..How A Girl Got Her Name
Mary Beth says:
I can understand the small class size – I was one of 19, all girls. Yeah, I hated high school but at least I didn’t have freaky giants going around kicking people:) I’ve had two classmates contact me on face book so far but I’m just getting started.
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Werent you interested in seeing what his life is like now? I totally would be.
BTW- my high school only had 80 girls- 20 in each grade. All girl school- no boys. Beat that suckah!
mayas last blog post..Babies & Malls- Don’t try this at home.
Dick? What a coincidence. I use that exact same alias for many of the same reasons you do. Spooooky. I’m glad to hear you finally got your revenge though.
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I totally just did the same thing to this girl I hate from high school for many (too many to count) reasons. She tried to friend me on facebook TWICE and I ignored both requests. It felt so good!!
I kind of wanted to see what she was up to and what she would say to me if I accepted her friend request, but ignoring it felt so much better
Lisas last blog post..Am I In Labor?
I LOVE this. I took have ignored someone on Facebook AND Classmates that was my nemesis since elementary school. Hate is not a good enough word to describe how much I DETEST her, still (and I graduated from HS 18 years ago!). Crap, I’m old.
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Raging Dad says:
What a sick twist. I have not been able to punish anyone via their FB request, but I there are a couple of folks I would squeel with joy to receive a request, only to IGNORE it!
Raging Dads last blog post..Just what does Optimus Prime have underneath the hood?
I love seeing people that were either mean to me, or who I thought were mean….I don’t have to worry about fitting in or saying the wrong thing. Usually one of my kids will do that for me! LOL!
Good for you! I wonder when you ignore people on Facebook if it lets them know they are being ignored or not?
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Headless Mom says:
Hey Mike- go google “dove face wash blogspot”
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