It looks like we may have jumped the gun on diagnosing Heather’s illness as food poisoning. I say this because, instead of improving today, she’s only gotten worse and spent the majority of the day in bed. I think it is safe to say that she has some kind of stomach virus that is going to take a little longer to get over than your garden-variety food poisoning. Man, you know you’ve got it bad when you WISH you had food poisoning. Poor Heather. Here’s hoping she’s feeling better tomorrow.

As you may or may not remember, I used to be a full-time high school teacher, and was often surprised by the unique ways my students expressed themselves. The funny thing is, even a few years after last seeing them in person, they are still surprising me…on Facebook.

You see, one by one my former students have found my profile and sent me a friend request. This is totally fine with me, and I have accepted all of their requests as I enjoy seeing what they are up to today. With that said, some of their status updates make me cringe. To give you an idea of what I mean, take a look at a few that popped up in my stream today:

“WeLpp off too beeed FB ; got an earLyy start 2mrw .”

What the heck is that? English? Or a cat running across the keyboard? I honestly had to stare at it a few minutes before I could translate it into: “Well, off to bed, Facebook. Got an early start tomorrow.” The weird thing is, I think the kid meant to type this exactly as written, because all of my former students use this bizarre shorthand. Here’s another:

“Lmfao haha UR srsly loco fo sho”

Um, what? Is it really that hard to write: “You are seriously loco for sure?” And what is the aversion to using punctuation? You can end a sentence. Really. They all don’t have to run on and on and on. I’m sure if my former students read this they would roll their eyes and tell me I am old and square, but if it makes me old and square to be confused by the following, then I guess I am:

“Neva been koo witta b***h so line it up or shut it up ‘bro’ … Talked all thee s**t and ain’t backed nuthin up yet so I’ll wait .”

Hmm. Maybe if I translate it into something closer to English it will make more sense. Let’s try:

“Never been cool with a b***h so line it up or shut it up, brother. Talked all of this s****t and hasn’t backed anything up yet, so I’ll wait.

Nope. Still don’t have a clue what the heck he’s talking about.

And then there is this last one. I understand it, but it still makes me sad:

im allegic to cheatin. and i hate failin. i am in love w. acheivment. above and beneath it. a hug when I greet it. my eyes on the prize and i love when i see it.”

Oy. It’s like the “shift” key on this kid’s keyboard has an STD and he doesn’t want to go anywhere near it. And is there anything more depressing than writing the statement “i am in love w. acheivment” and misspelling achievement? Sigh. I guess I am old because this post has basically just been a “Can you believe these damn kids?” rant.

You know what the worst part of all this is? I was their ENGLISH TEACHER.