It sucks growing apart from a friend. One minute you can talk about anything late into the night; the next you can’t even have the shortest of exchanges without lapsing into awkward silences. We’ve all been there. Sadly, I’ve found this often happens when one friend becomes a parent and the other doesn’t. Things don’t always have to be this way though. Lately my relationships with my non-parent friends have grown richer and deeper all because I’ve started to look at them a little differently.
Staying close to your non-parent friends once you become a parent can be hard, no doubt. When I first became a dad I was annoyed that my friends invited me out late on Friday nights and didn’t seem too sympathetic when I said I couldn’t go because of the baby. They also chatted about subjects – like the opening of a new club or how they’ve stepped up their workouts – that struck me as incredibly frivolous. This was annoying.
But guess what? I was pretty annoying too. I’m embarrassed to admit that I said stuff like, “You have SOOOO much free time. You don’t understand how hard it is to be a parent!” Even worse, I sometimes discussed how Maddie gave my life meaning, and unwittingly implied that they were leading less meaningful lives in the process. Not cool. Also not cool? Talking endlessly about how adorable every little thing Maddie did was. Yep, I did that too. (Though, in fairness to Maddie, everything she did was adorable!)
Now that I’m older and have been a parent a bit longer I understand that having a kid didn’t turn me into some wise, old sage, and that my friends without kids weren’t as frivolous as I thought they were. They’re more than capable of discussing mature things, and have no problem hanging out with me during the daytime too. But the biggest thing I’ve learned is that I need to celebrate our differences. Instead of complaining that a friend wants to go to a ten p.m. concert at a club, I go happily when I can. Sure, I may be tired the next day, but going to a concert in a sweaty club and chatting about things other than Elmo are important for my mental health. My friends link me to my younger self and allow me to be more than just “dad” every once in a while.
Yeah, it’s blurry, but that’s okay …
I’ve also seen my new life enrich the lives of my friends without kids. They’ve bonded with Annabel, and dote on her in a special way that my friends with kids of their own don’t. They have truly special relationships with my little girl, and enjoy exploring their maternal and paternal side when with her. It’s beautiful to see.
Friendships may change, but that’s not always a bad thing. It took me a little time to see things this way, but now that I do I am so thankful these friends are still in my life and allow me to share in their lives. And I think they feel the same way about me.
Susan C. says:
My husband and I don’t have kids and never will, for so many reasons. It does put us in a different “reality” than our friends with kids. Sure, we don’t spend our weekends running to birthday parties and soccer practice. And last month’s spur-of-the-moment Kenny Loggins concert was awesome. But on the other hand, we are missing out on the joys of parenting and creating the next generation of our families. We’re not going to share all of life’s great experiences with our children.
My girlfriends and I have a standing monthly dinner date s0 whoever can go, goes. Typically, those of us without children find it easier to get together every month because we’re not prepping for the next day’s spelling test. But we also enjoy being the doting aunts who would do anything for those kids and they know it. It’s an important balance for both the parents and non-parents in the group.
Pattie says:
Great post, Mike. I hadn’t thought about it until reading your words, but my non-parent friends have indeed bonded with Coraline in their own ways. I think that as we’ve all (parents and non-parents) grown older and, hopefully, wiser, it’s helped us appreciate our differences while still valuing our friendships enough to work at making them last.
Melissa says:
Thank you, thank you, thank you! As a non-parent friend of a lot of friends with kids (??) – I love this. And I needed to hear it! Sometimes I feel so left out and yes, sometimes stuff parents say makes me feel like my life is somehow less important than theirs because I don’t have a kid of my own. It’s nice to be reminded that we all matter. Let’s celebrate our differences
christine says:
Fantastic post!
Lo says:
Yes I think there is a real divide once your friends have kids. New parents tend to freak me out because they can be so neurotic about the baby, that I don’t know how to be around them anymore. They don’t really leave much room for people to step in to help. It might seem insensitive to invite parents out but I see it as treating them as you normally would, within reason of course. I hate it when new parents complain or expect to be treated like they are the exception because the way I see it, they CHOSE to be parents!! It’s refreshing to hear your point of view. It’s true, we need to just hang in there as friends till everyone adjusts to the changes. You find out who’s a true friend.