Every inch of our home bears evidence that a child lived here.
The floor is littered with toys.
The walls are lined with photos of her smiling face.
The corners of our tables are covered with plastic guards.
When Maddie was here these things brought endless joy. Now they simultaneously remind us of the happy times that were and of what is not to be.
Today I called the company that supplied the five-foot-tall oxygen tank that Maddie sometimes used at night so that they could come to take it away. Heather was emotional about calling to have her daughter’s tank taken away, so I dialed them up when she was in the shower. Here was our conversation:
COMPANY: “(Company name). How can I help you?”
ME: “I was calling to have an oxygen tank picked up from our home.”
COMPANY: “And the patient’s name?”
ME: “Madeline Spohr.”
COMPANY: “Okay, sir. I see you in the computer. And reason for pick-up?”
ME: “She, uh, no longer requires it.”
COMPANY: “In that case, sir, we will need a doctor’s note explicitly stating that she no longer needs to have an oxygen tank in the home. This note will need to be on official stationary so –
ME: “She passed away. That’s why she doesn’t need it anymore. She died.”
A long beat passes.
COMPANY: “I understand, sir. We will pick up tomorrow. Will that work for you?”
ME: “Yes.”
COMPANY: “Thank you, sir.”
The line went dead.
So tomorrow the first thing of Maddie’s will leave our home, and, as you can see from the transcript above, parting with it was far from easy. I really don’t know what to do with everything else. The toys on the floor? They can’t stay there forever, but how can we get rid of them? Or if not to get rid of them…where do we put them? This is the heartbreaking reality of losing someone you love.
For now I have no answer. I can’t bear to deal with what to do with her things, but I know we can’t just leave them strewn about the floor forever. I suppose time will have an answer.
sam {temptingmama} says:
OMG.
That gave me chills. CHILLS.
No one expects that you get rid of them or put them in storage or ANYTHING anytime soon. Don’t rush yourselves! (I’d say the only things that go are the ones that are costing you rental or anything like that, because well – DUH!) Time will tell – I don’t think it will heal the wounds, but it will tell you when you’re ready to do it.
When – or if – that time comes, what about donating them to hospitals or parks, indoor playgrounds or something that you’ve taken Maddie to??
Once I get my passport renewed, I am at your beckon call! I will help with anything you need.
Sammanthia says:
You’re probably tired of hearing this, but you and Heather are in my thoughts every day. I can’t imagine the pain you must be going through.
Much love to you and Heather.
natalie says:
my heart hurts for you. i think sam had a good idea as far as donating some of them. pace yourself though. there is no need for you to clean out any time soon. one day at a time, my friend. take care of yourself and heather too. we are thinking about you!
Maria says:
Mike, thank you for sharing this. I can’t explain why, but I cling to every post of yours and Heather’s. I’m so grateful that you’re writing, that you’re still reaching out.
I have no idea what I’d do. I have no idea. Maybe that’s why, with every word you write and share, I find hope and comfort that in the face of absolutely devastation you’re still here, still breathing, still writing, still sharing. Thank you.
I miss your daughter so much that it makes me feel guilty–that pain and grief I feel is such an indescribably small sliver of yours and of Heather’s. But I want you to know that through your words you gave me the capacity to love her and miss her.
You are an amazing father.
Anna says:
I was thinking about this today, it seems that when I have a free thought it is of you and Heather. I agree with Sam, don’t rush yourself to part with things unless it is just unbearable to be a part of those memories right now. You are strong people.
Major Bedhead says:
This is the stuff that people don’t think about after someone you love dies. It’s so heartbreaking.
I like Sam’s idea of donating them, when you’re ready. Hanging on to a few cherished toys, but giving the rest maybe to a pediatric unit at a hospital.
Dawn says:
ya know, you’ll figure it out. just like everything else. for now? toys on the floor? it’s all good.
(I have the non-pleasure of being the executor of my dad’s estate – so I get all the mail and that jazz. I got a letter from a company auditing the hospital where he died. One of the questions was “did you have any problems when you left the hospital that were not present when you were admitted.”…. uh… yeah. I’m pretty sure my sarcasm burned holes in the page as I answered.)
Anissa@Hope4Peyton says:
I don’t know if any of this will help you or not. One of my friends who lost a child started with one item at a time, putting up one item each day…starting with small things that wouldn’t seem so obvious and with time, had slowly cleared up some space…and it felt more natural than trying to bundle up everything. She said it was easier that way because she would have a moment every day to think and reflect and find a happy memory about THAT item, she said it helped.
Another friend had a bunch of us come to the house one day and we helped her pack up some clothes and toys and we just spent the whole day together. She knew which charity was special to her and she wanted her daughter’s stuff to go there. It worked for her.
This isn’t advice or saying you should do it any one way, but just knowing that you and Heather will find the time and the way that works for you.
If you guys ever need me, just know that i’m a phone call and an airplane away. SERIOUSLY.
XOXOX
Michele says:
Mike – I am so broken-hearted for you and Heather, and for the world’s loss of your Madeline. In the days since reading the terrible news, I have looked around my house, where every inch screams “toddler living here!”, and have wondered what the hell I would ever do if I had to come home and face it without my son. I have no answer for you but I do have you and your family in my heart, I am sobbing for your pain, and I am praying for you, your wife, your family and especially for your Sunshine Girl. The phone call you wrote of took a tremendous amount of courage and strength to make, and my whole soul aches for you having to say those words to the dumbass at the oxygen tank company. Couldn’t he have at least offered his condolences? Please accept mine in place of his. May tonight be the night your baby visits you in your dreams. Take care of yourself, Michele
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] says:
Do everything you need to do in your own time. There is no right or wrong.
Dana says:
This post has brought me to tears yet again..I can only imagine the pain of having to put away Maddie’s things…things that brought such joy to you all. I agree that you don’t have to do anything all at once. To do that would be shocking to the soul…I would slowly put things away but don’t rush and get rid of anything yet…you need to be ready… I wish I could reach thru the computer and take even a fraction of that pain away…I honestly will be crying myself to sleep tonight…
merlotmom says:
Oh, Mike, so sorry you guys are going through this. You keep those toys and things of Maddie’s around until your heart tells you it’s time to do something else. Love to both of you.
Kristen says:
Here’s where I heave a giant sigh. I’d leave them on the floor… until… whenever. The Apocalypse maybe? 🙁
Patty says:
Mike, that must have been such a difficult call to make. There is no rush to do anything with the toys or any other things of Maddie’s. There will come a time, and you will know when it is that time, but not now and not anytime soon. I wish there was a magic wand that could be waved and you would wake up from this awful dream. Although you will not wake up from this, you will get through it! I agree with Sam about donating things, but slowly and when you are ready. I am so very sorry for your loss, no words really to express how I feel. My heart is with you both now and always
Rachel says:
OH MIKE. How heartbreaking. The thought of you and Heather returning to your home without Maddie and seeing all of her things made me sick to my stomach. But, like you said, how could you get rid of all her stuff? Don’t rush yourselves. I’ll be keeping you guys in my thoughts.
Ben says:
Brutal, Mike. To have the courage to make that phone call, you have my admiration and sympathies. As for the rest of it, there’s no hurry. I don’t know what the future holds for you. You may not either. However, I am sure some of that stuff you will want to keep; for yourselves or to share with someone else.
Whatever you do, I would make sure that you and Heather are on the same page. Or at least in the same chapter. Walk through this darkness together. One of you may need to lead from time to time, but don’t pull too hard and don’t be afraid to say slow down.
Funsize says:
Oh, boy, I am so sorry you had to go through that conversation. I’ve been through a few of those (last time you had a baby, how’s motherhood treating you…etc). It’s hard, makes you gulp and lives you stinging from the sadness. It will be hard everytime you tell your story. As for my son’s things? We have a three shelf bookshelf with his urn, a candle, a few pictures and a few other things- his footprints, a photo his birth stats, etc. I also have a toy or two I bought in preparation for him. Everything else- all this clothes, his baby blankets that awaited him, are all tucked in a storage box in our nursery closet. Maybe you can do something like that- save Maddie’s toys to “share” with a future sibling?
((hugs))
Michele says:
I want to write something. I want to offer wisdom, to give you comfort. But I don’t think anything would be meaningful. There is just nothing easy or fair about what you are going through. It’s heartbreaking. I sincerely feel so much sorrow for your family’s loss.
Please just take your time sorting through things, there is no rush. No right or wrong time or way.
Nanette says:
I’m so sorry, Mike. I can only imagine how painful that must be. Please know that whatever you decide to do, Brent and I are happy to assist in any way possible.
Cindy says:
I’m in tears again. You don’t know me but I’ve been following your and Heather’s blogs since I heard about Maddie on Matt Logelin’s site. I am so terribly sorry for your loss, my heart is just broken for you. Don’t rush yourselves. Your heart will tell you what to do when the time is right.
Redneck Mommy says:
I wish I had an answer for you Mike. My son’s clothes are still folded in his dresser exactly as they were when he was alive. I did put away some stuff over the years but I am not ready to pack away his clothes. What would I do with them? Charity is a nice idea but it seems so impersonal for something so precious.
Just last week I called to have Jumby registered for a health card. They asked for the name of my other children. When I didn’t mention Shales name they asked me why I didn’t add him to the list of dependents we have covered on our insurance.
“Because my son passed away and no longer requires health insurance,” I responded.
Their response? “Oh well our records show he had a wheelchair so you now have ten days to return it before we fine you. And you should have notified us immediately upon his death.”
Ya. F*ck you too dear government. I know I should have returned that wheelchair a long time ago, I couldn’t bear to lose a tangible reminder of my son.
Sigh.
My advice? Do what you can when you can and don’t get rid of anything you think you may regret. Even if that means storing things away until you know what you really want to do with them once the pain of grief has lifted a little and clarity can be found.
It may take a while. Look at me.
Double sigh.
Thinking of you dude. And yer pretty wife.
Kate Coveny Hood says:
I can’t imagine wanting remove traces of someone who is still very much present in every moment. Even if the toys weren’t there – I know I’d still see them.
Much love to you both.
Eleana says:
I only heard of Maddie today through a blog I follow and I couldn’t sleep until I sent a few words you way. My heart breaks for you and Heather. I can’t find the words to express how sorry I am for the pain you must feel. Take time to do what you must. My family’s thoughts are with you and yours.
Shawn Burns says:
Mike,
I think about you every day. Every day. It paralyzes me. I won’t say that I’m proud of you for how you are handling things, because I don’t think I would care, if it were me, how well it looked like I was handling it. Handling it. Like it’s a crisis with a resolution. But I want you to know that I think about you every day, and if you ever just want to talk about Maddie, brag about her, with another dad, I am around somewhere.
Shawn
Ana in Chicago says:
Mike, the thought of you putting her toys away is heart wrenching. I don’t have words, but know that my thoughts are with you.
Amanda/Baby A says:
O Mike. My heart will always hold Maddie.
Eventually you’ll know what to do with all of Maddie’s things. Some people leave a room for stuff, like a mom I know through the nonprofit I work for. She left her teen daughter’s room the way it was. Other pack it and store it. It’ll be whatever is right for you.
I was honored to go honor Maddie and meet you and Heather in ‘real life’.
Alison says:
That is such a personal and hard thing to do, deciding what to do with the stuff a loved one leaves behind… Whatever works for you guys is EXACTLY what you should do.
Hugs to you and Heather.
Kellee says:
I’d leave them on the floor as well. You are under no timetable other than the one that your own hearts and minds set for you. When you are ready, you will figure it out. And there is no requirement that you do a thing before that moment. *hug* My initial reaction was to suggest donation, like the first poster. There’s also nothing that says that you can’t keep every single item if you feel so inclined. All up to you, all at your own pace. <3
Pants says:
My heart aches for your family. I am so very sorry for your loss and I wish I could do something to help take away some of your and Heather’s pain.
Michelle W says:
I can’t begin to imagine having my world shattered by the loss of my children so I wont even begin to try. Truthfully I’ve given it a lot of thought since discovering Maddie, Heather and yourself and I can barely breath as my heart breaks for you and I try and imagine how my heart would keep beating in my chest if my children were taken from so suddenly as Maddie was taken from you. I can’t stop revisiting your blogs and gazing at her beautiful joyous face. It just doesn’t seem possible, yet my heart knows it’s true and it feels the heartbreak but my head cannot wrap itself around such a thing. Your family has left an indelible place in my heart and Maddie has passed on so much joy and love in her too short life. I know there is little if anything that can comfort all of you at this time but if I could send you any bit of comfort and strength I surely would.
Debbie in Memphis says:
You and Heather are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing your beautiful daughter with us. Even as a parent who has lost a child, I don’t have any real answers. My only advice would be to take your time. Don’t let others rush you. There aren’t any perfect answers about how to grieve or timetables to follow. Sadly, you and Heather will figure it out as you go, just do what is best for yourselves and each other. Sending you both all my love and hope for peace and comfort.
Jamie S says:
My goodness you handled that phone conversation much calmer than I could have expected. I do not know how or what I would do if I lost my dear Abigail. I imagine I would not want to touch her toys unless it was to hold them while crying. I do not think I could muster the strength that you and Heather have conveyed in your blogs. I could not imagine parting with or storing anything until it felt right to you and Heather. I wish I could help make things easier for you and Heather. I wish you were not going through this. You are such amazing parents. I wish things were easier; inequitable is such an understatement at this time! Thank you for sharing all of this with us.
Ms. Moon says:
I have been thinking of all these things in your house ever since I read that Madeline died. I have imagined you there, at home, surrounded by her things, her brightly colored toys, her clothes, her food in the cabinets and refrigerators. I have wondered how you cope with the presence of these things while the little little girl who used them was gone.
I did not think of the oxygen tank. And for some reason, reading about you having to call while Heather was in the shower to spare her the pain of hearing you make arrangements for it to be taken away- well.
Maddie is teaching you even now. Did you ever know you would have such strength?
Heather, Queen of Shake Shake says:
“Try your utmost, and then try again….Then, out of the gloom of mysteries the all-illuminating light of the Divine Guidance will emblazon your path.” Paramahansa Yogananda
The quote was explained to me that we can try and keep trying to find certain answers, but it’s when we stop trying that perhaps the Light will find us.
Each day I wish you and Heather love and some measure of peace.
A Free Man says:
Mike,
I’ve been reading about Maddie all over the net this week. I’m glad to see that you’re writing again. I have no idea what the right thing to say is, but I hope that you’re able to find some peace in time.
Jodee says:
I am so sorry for you having the make that phone call and the other things you will have to deal with after.. I know you are being strong for Heather.. that was very kind for you to do it while she was in the shower. As always it brought tears to my eyes. Praying for you today.
Lisa says:
You know I don’t think there is an answer right now. I think time will tell you what to do, but right now it might be more helpful to let it lay around for a while.
I’m so sorry you guys even have to think about this stuff. You’re both in my thoughts.
Alli Worthington says:
Praying for comfort for you and Heather daily. I am so so sorry.
Danes says:
SUCKS. I am so angry that you and Heather are being forced to go through this unimaginable pain. I love you both. As for Moo’s things – boxes. One at a time, and do it when you’re ready. You’ll know when you’re ready. And then, someday, you’ll know if you STILL want to keep her things, but at least you’ll have them for the time being whenever you need them. This is going to sound totally corny, and I apologize, but the memory of Maddie will never be gone, even if her things are gone or out of sight – and I, for one, will make sure of it.
Amanda (@mom23greatgirls) says:
Oh Mike –
The most virtual hugs I can possibly get to you from Georgia.
As a parent who has a lost a child I can reach out and tell you that each step is agonizing – some are just more agonizing than others and unfortunately you can’t ever tell which one it will be. I posted on Heather’s blog that I got through them minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day and step by step. Please know that I don’t mean this as a trite response – I remember *LITERALLY* thinking “If I can make it through this minute or this step then I can try to make it through the next” and that sometimes I did and sometimes I just had to lean on someone until I could.
Be gentle with yourself and with Heather (I know you are doing that) try and make it, together, day by day.
For me it helped to do things in bursts – I would focus on a set of things to do at one time that way I could actually *do* them, go through the anger and sadness and then try and do something to take things off my mind.
I hope this makes sense as I am not an eloquent writer and because I am crying at my keyboard as I write this, alone in my office, thinking of you both.
Jennifer says:
I think you’re right to just give it time and figure out what to do as you go. I can’t even imagine how hard this must be. I’m so, so sorry for all you’re going through,
Bonnie says:
Thanks so much for sharing this all with us, Mike. It is truly uncharted territory to have to walk this path for anyone. So you take what steps you can to get through it one decision at a time.
Thinking of you every day and sending you warm thoughts from Austin!
Anna Marie says:
Damn it Mike, this is such a sad, sad thing. Leave the toys where they are until you really feel ready to do something. Maybe you could gradually move them to baskets but keep them in sight. God this sucks – my heart hurts for you so badly.
suzanne says:
You really are an incredible father and husband. Like Maria, the commenter above, I feel like your words bring me into your life and and allow me to share in a tiny, infinitesmal piece of your pain. I obsessively check your and Heather’s sites because I just need to know that you are still breathing, still putting one foot in front of the other, somehow still living through this.
I think about you guys and Maddie all the time, about how unfair life is — how random and cruel. I think about what I would do in your shoes and I don’t know…I don’t know what I would do with the wooden blocks pocked with my child’s toothmarks, the stuffed doll that she drooled on and hugged. I suppose I would stare at them, lying on the floor and sob. And wait for time to show me how to live again.
I know it probably doesn’t help to hear this, but Maddie’s story has touched me so deeply. I am a total stranger to you guys and yet, I am sending my love to you, Heather and Maddie from Washington DC.
Haley-O says:
give yourself as much time as you need. there’s no urgency. there’s no “right time.” the last thing you need is pressure to do anything right. totally thinking of you and Heather….
Jill Morino says:
Oh my. The repercussions of this loss go on forever and ever don’t they. My heart breaks for you guys. I hope you are finding solace in writing about your feelings and reaching out for support from your readers.
Kelly says:
Mike,
This is my first time writing to you, which is funny since I have been praying for you for two weeks. So anyway, HI..
Don’t hurry. Don’t even worry about it. Let those toys and pictures and child-proofs bring you happy memories. Let them bring tears. Maddie lived her life on that floor, between those walls, amongst all that stuff. I can’t begin to know, nor do I think there is an answer for any of this. Do what feels right, and when nothing feels right, do nothing…
Praying still,
Kelly
IowaJenny says:
I’m just another person whom you don’t know but I cannot seem to get you or your family from my thoughts. The pain and suffering that you are going through is more than I can imagine and I that I can offer is for you to understand just how many people are holding you in their hearts, prayers and thoughts. The impact that your little girl has had on the world is profound, something that does not happen but only to the one in a million, which was what Maddie was. We are all thinking of you and offer our support to you. Stay strong and love each other and take each day as it comes… one day at a time.
mrschattypants says:
Mike, I am so sorry for the pain you and Heather must face every day. And I am so sorry for your loss. There are just no words. I can only say small steps. And for what it’s worth, I would leave the toys there as well. Until whenever it is best for you and Heather. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.
jenni says:
What a good husband you are for making that call and doing it while Heather was in the shower. I have no real advice to offer, but I will say just take your time with these things – the cleaning up and putting away. Be gentle with yourself. Only do what you can handle.
Tami says:
I am like everyone else.I am sick to my stomach to think of what you and Heather are having to go threw. The loss of a child ,it is not fair.I dont know what I would do.Take your time and take small steps.. My heart goes out to you and Heather.Its always going to be some reminder of losing Maddie and I cant even Imagine what all you are dealing with.
All I can do is keep you in my prayers.
Nichol says:
Don’t rush. Do anything and everything at your own pace. Don’t expect to pick up the toys, her clothes whatever. She is your daughter, your little girl, and those are her things. Your right time will have its answers. Stay strong and take everything one day at a time. Your in my prayers and thoughts everyday and I am walking in Maddies name on Saturday.
samantha jo campen says:
The aftermath is what gets forgotten, but it’s sometimes the hardest part. I’m so sorry. Just so so sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers every day.
Jen says:
I have no words of wisdom other than let time dictate your actions. Take all the time you need and/or want. Just remember that you are both so loved and support is only a phone call or email away.
Stacey says:
Mike~
Your family and precious daughter are on my mind daily – even hourly –
I ordered the stuffed animal in Madelines honor yesterday to remind my OWN children how precious life is.
Praying and thinking of you always.
maya says:
Time will have an answer Mike. Only time can heal the soul. Please dont throw the memories away. I can assure you that you will want them for the children that are yet to come. Sending you a big huge hug from new york.
Colleen - Mommy Always Wins says:
Take small steps. Leave them be until you’re OK with picking them up and putting them in a basket where you can see them. When you’re OK with moving that basket where you *can’t* see it, do so. Baby steps…its OK if it takes years to get to that point. Don’t worry that it seems silly.
I’m so sorry for your loss…
Cute~Ella says:
One by one, you’ll find a place for them and when the time is right, you’ll know just what to do with them. This isn’t something that needs to be rushed. It’s been almost 5 years since my ex passed away and his sister-in-law is still finding things that she thinks I’d like to have.
My thoughts are with you and the family during this terrible time.
Heather @ Domestic Extraordinaire says:
Many hugs to you guys.
mrs.chicken says:
It must be agonizing. Listening and wishing I had something helpful to say. Just … be easy on you. Don’t push yourself to feel better or put these things away.
Jim says:
I don’t know you, and I just kinda stumbled here. I can’t fathom such a thing as what I’ve read. Jesus knows, though. God bless you guys.
Fairly Odd Mother says:
I’ve thought so much about you guys and what your day-to-day must be like but the truth really is more heartbreaking than I could even imagine. I’m so sorry for all these little decisions that you must make to go forward.
tara says:
mike, i read this with tears streaming down my face. there are no words for me to say how so so so sorry i am. nobody should have to go through this. you, heather and maddie are in my thoughts everyday.
Must Be Motherhood says:
Yes, I think you leave things as they are until the spirit moves you. There is no timetable.
Have you read Kubler-Ross’ “On Death and Dying”? If not, again–when the time is right and you are looking for sustenence–it has been deemed a worthwhile tool as you learn to mourn.
Peace.
karen says:
I’m so, so very sorry that you have to go through this. As if your loss isn’t enough already. Keep breathing, don’t rush anything and trust your heart to help you along the way.
Laura says:
You will find your own paths and your own answers – they can only be your own as everyone is unique and deals with this in their own way. There are no rights, no wrongs and no deadlines to meet. Day by day, one step at a time and the world will be supporting you and Heather. With love,
Davina Ferris says:
I’m just another internet person you don’t know. I found Maddie through Matt Logelin’s site. I don’t know the right words to comfort you, I wish I did. I’m heartbroken over your loss. I’m walkling in the March of Dimes this Saturday and will be thinking about your family.
Amazing Greis says:
What to do with Maddie’s things will come in time. Don’t rush anything, as you may regret it later. Just know you are loved and thought of daily.
XOXOX
april says:
Mike… my heart aches reading this post. I don’t know how you and Heather have the strength and courage to move forward. Like other posters, take one day at a time… you’ll find the right answer and know what to do with your baby’s stuff. I personally would save everything that she touched/loved because it’s through those things and memories that she’ll be with you. And… you were blessed once with Maddie… God will bless you again with another child (when you’re both ready of course!) and those toys/items will be a nice thing for her sibling to have. God bless you both in this time of sorrow… sending tons of love, hugs, and peace from NJ.
Jenni says:
Mike,
You move me to tears once again. You are giving a beautiful voice to the often ignored grieving fathers. As for her toys, I have no good advice. Donating them sounds wonderful, but dont know if I could let them go. You are in my thoughts and prayers everyday,
And I have never been more greatful for the mess of toys across my house.
Kirsten says:
I wish I had something to say that would make it all better. Just know you and Heather are in my thoughts all the time.
It really must be so painful and comforting at the same time to be surrounded by her things.
Amy says:
It’s pretty much been said, take your time, don’t rush anything. No they can’t stay strewn about forever, but you’ll know when it’s right.
You are a rock Mike, whether it feels like it or not, for Heather, for Maddie, and for all of us clinging to her memory. That strength comes from Maddie. Thanks for continuuing to share your journey with us, as painful as it might be.
Amy
Oregon
Lori says:
I’m so sorry. When I think of you (which is often), I often wonder how you can live with all the “stuff”, yet what can you do with it. I’m am just so sorry that you have to go through this at all. No one ever should.
Mir says:
Whatever you do, take pictures. Of everything, right as it is right now. Freeze your house as it is before it becomes something new.
My heart is broken for you, and we’re strangers. I cannot fathom what yours feels like.
VegasDad says:
Let the toys stay on the floor as long as you need them to.
Kay Martin says:
There are no words. I feel very very sad for you and Heather. Your hearts are broken and there’s nothing that can be done about that. I don’t know you or your family yet I’m grieving with you. I think you’re right that eventually it should become more clear what to do with Maddie’s things. I’m praying for your hearts to be comforted during this terrible time.
Kristy says:
Mike and Heather,
This is all so shitty! (AM I allowed to say that on here?) After my son passed away last summer I liked that word alot. Mainly because everyone around me tried and searched to come up with the “right” words. There are none. So? When they got stuck? ( I would feel bad for people who wanted so badly to say the right things and never,for a second,wanted to say the wrong thing and hurt us) I would fill in the blanks for them ( Example: ” I’m SO sorry! I wish I knew what to say. This is so…..(LONG PAUSE)….and I would add…SHITTY! Most of them would smile and nod their heads a bit embarrased. Some would laugh and then look embarrased. But the truth is that it IS shitty! You and Heather have to allow yourselves to deal with this in whatever way and for how long is best for YOU!
Leave her toys where they are.If you and Heather like them there? Who cares? There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no time limit on it. I remember that I would set goals for myself during the day. Get out of bed. Brush my teeth.Sometimes getting through the minute and then the hour? It’s the only way you can do it. Don’t rush to get rid of your babygirls precious things. You will know what to do when the time is right.
Remember that you are in our thoughts! It only takes a second on here or any of your other sites to know how very loved you , Heather and Maddie are!!!
Kristin says:
I have been thinking of you and Heather often.
This post made my heart break all over again. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer or a right or wrong time to do anything.
Sending lots of love.
pgoodness says:
Time will tell you. There’s no hurry, just take it one moment at a time. (both of Anissa’s ideas were good). And that was so nice of you to call while Heather wasn’t listening – even though I’m sure it was horrible for you.
Amanda says:
I get a huge lump in my throat every time I read your blogs, see Maddie’s beautiful face…I cry and my heart hurts for you 2 and what you are going through. I can only imagine how you must feel…I think about you all every day, all day and I know you all are hearing this so much from everyone but you 3 have made a difference in how we react and respond in our lives. Things get put in perspective so quickly. Thank you for sharing just a little bit of your heart and lives with all of us. You guys are amazing. The last photo of you and Maddie in the yellow dress is absolutley stunning. You can tell who her Daddy is. I’ve taken so many pictures of our children since reading your wife’s blog. I don’t want to miss a second of their lives. Thank you…
Lindsey says:
My heart is broken. Maddie never leaves my mind. I didn’t think I could love my daughter any more, but I do because of sweet Maddie. You will figure out what to do with her precious things. I loved reading that you did what Heather could not. Take care of her and let her take care of you. With so much sadness and anger that you both must be feeling, you need each other more than ever. Be kind and forgiving of yourselves and each other. Do it all in your time and your way. There is no right or wrong.
Trish says:
I have no advice. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with it.
You’re a good person, seeing Heather’s state of mind and handling return of the tank as you did. It’s good of you to be so strong for her. As crappy as it is that you have to be.
You’re both in my thoughts and prayers, constantly. I’m sorry.
Y says:
This is one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve ever read. There are no words, only love love love for you and Heather.
Amy says:
I think of you and Heather daily…. constantly! And I have often thought about all of Maddie’s little precious things that gave her so much joy and how they must now be bringing you so much sorrow. I wish there was something to lessen your pain. Please take care of yourself and Heather (and vice versa). Your love for one another and for Maddie will get you through this.
jen says:
Please do not rush anything! Do it when you feel ready. Please, take it one day at a time.
Dixie says:
I don’t know you, but I know the most important thing about you……YOU are a very good man!
I don’t know Ben either, but I think he gave you some good advice.
Be good to yourselves.
Colleen in Toornto says:
I say leave them on the floor as long as you need to. Anyone who comes by your home would completely understand. In time you’ll be able to move one thing and then two. God knows there is no rush to clean things up. I think about your Maddie everyday. Last night I was showing my baby girl Maddie’s pictures (she was born the day before Maddie). She looked at the pictures and said “awwwwwwwwwwwww baby, so pity (pretty) mama” she then blew a kiss to the computer screen and brought tears to my eyes.
I hope each day brings a little more peace to your family.
Ronda says:
Mike,
I’m praying for you and Heather right now. I wish I could do or say something more. Maddie is so beautiful, looking at her pictures make me smile. I pray that you and Heather will find the strength to get through this.
Ronda
Dina says:
I have been thinking about Maddie’s story and your family every day. I am sorry beyond words that she left this world far too soon. But she will always be yours – your beautiful daughter who was able to impact the lives of so many people literally across the world. Of course that is no consolation for such a loss. But still, you should know the impact of her smile, and your words as well as Heathers.
I think it was suggested above, when you are ready, maybe box up some favorite toys and things for a future sibling. And leave a display area and photos in your house forever.
Sending you many peaceful thoughts…
Kim says:
Mike, my heart goes out to both you and Heather! I, do hope that the dream weaver visits you both real soon!
Bridget says:
I have nothing of consequence to say, but I wanted to let you know that I’m still reading. And that I think of you guys all the time.
Shelly says:
I can’t find any words to help ease your pain but you and your wife are in my thoughts.
April in VA Beach says:
For some reason I am reminded of September 11, 2001. Storefronts were left “as is,” with the dust of the Twin Towers covering clothes and furniture. I could not wash the clothes I wore that day in the city, in fact I never wore that outfit again. The shock of that day is still with me. I am similarly in shock over the loss of Maddie. Please know my heart hurts for you and your family.
cindy w says:
Honestly, this was one of the first things I thought about when I heard that Maddie had passed away. There is not a single room in our house where it isn’t completely obvious that a child lives here. There are even toys in the bathroom. I kept thinking about you and Heather having to go back to your home, full of Maddie’s stuff, with no Maddie. It’s unbearable.
I think that in time – in YOUR OWN time, whenever you and Heather decide that it’s right – you’ll probably pack things up and put them in storage. But nobody in their right mind would expect you to have your house completely devoid of Maddie’s things after only two weeks.
ModBev says:
What a nightmare. I cannot imagine having to make that phone call. I would be frozen unable to think clearly let alone take a step forward.
Florencia says:
Mike, you guys are the only ones who will know when or if you can give away Maddie’s toys and other things. As Heather told the newspaper her clothes still smell like her. You can’t expect to be ready for all the challenges that losing your daughter will bring. But you do have all the love and support of family, friends, and strangers like myself. Maddie made me smile every time I looked at her pics and I only wish I could have met her. Hugs to you, Heather and Rigby.
ali says:
i can’t give you the answers you need, but i CAN give you a virtual shoulder to cry on. any time, my friend. LOVE.
elismsue says:
Mike,
That was difficult to read, but not as difficult as it was to write. Time will decide these things and will let you know when it is time to make those decisions.
((((())))) and purple wishes,
Sue
Kt says:
I think time is the best healer – sadly, I’m sure life seems like it’s in slow motion, barely ticking by at the moment. And the toys – you’ll reach a point when it’ll be the right time, not that it will be easy. So take as much time as you need. I’m still thinking of you and your family (I’ve written to your wife once before). Hang in there.
Dawn says:
Mike,
wow. double wow. Leave the toys be. Let the joy that your daughter brought you surround you for as long as you can.
Much love to you and Heather.
Dawn
Insta-Mom says:
I was watching TV the other night and I thought of you and Heather. A character was asking how you get over a loss like this. The answer was that you don’t. But eventually, you learn how to carry it with you.
I think each day you become stronger and more able to carry the hurt, the burden, of a loss as profound as this. And eventually, the strength will tell you what to do next. You might feel crushed under the weight now, but…eventually.
In the meantime, you have our love.
Cinthia says:
This must have been really hard. I am so sorry. As someone who has worked in customer service, I imagine the person on the other end was that abrupt because they just didn’t know what to say. Sort of how most of us out here feel now. Hang in there? Hang in there.
Patti B. says:
There is no ‘right’ answer…clearly NONE of this is right. I’m sorry for the painful conversation with that oxygen company and for every other pain you are feeling. Let Maddie lead you in how to take care of such things…when it becomes less comforting to see all of her precious items in their current spots, then maybe move them to another? Hugs to Heather and you and sending every ounce of peace I can muster your way.
MBKimmy says:
Just wanted to tell you that I prayed for you both yesterday I knew they were coming to get the “Rocket” and I wanted you to know I tried so hard to send good vibes your way. Wish there was a way I could take the hurt for a while. Hugs and prayers!
Bec says:
I’m so sorry Mike.
amanda says:
I haven’t read through all the comments, but maybe (when it feels OK for you guys) you can just pack them away and put them somewhere in your house (an attic, a basement, something?) – so that you know that her things are close by still. It may be a comfort. But whatever makes you and Heather feel comfortable is the RIGHT thing to do – no matter what anyone else says.
xo from CT,
Amanda
Janie says:
You dont know me but you guys have been in my thoughts a lot since I read of Maddies passing. She was such a beautiful little angel. She is missed by so many that did not even know her. I cant imagine what you two are going through. I would hold onto the toys. Maybe create a special memory box for her things. In time, the toys and other things will bring you comfort. Dont rush yourselves. There is no time limit. If they are causing you pain to look at now. Put them away in storage until you can decide what you want to do.
Laura says:
Gosh that brings back memories-the day my father died (2 1/2 years ago, unexpetedly) the phone rang and my mother answered and they asked for my dad-my mother got this strange look on her face and said he isn’t here-he passed away this morning-the lady just hung up on my mom.
I does get easier as time goes by -(I am sure you have heard that a million times over but it is so true).
At my Father’s visitation I told my Aunt I didn’t know how we would get through this (that man was the best ever) and she said well you still have your memories-I thought to myself-how could you be so cold as to say that-but here and now 2 1/2 years later she was so so so right. My heart breaks for you and your wife-Please hang in there!
Mary in AZ says:
My heart is hurting so badly for you and Heather. I pray that you will be able to find comfort wherever possible right now.
HeatherPride says:
It is inconceivable. I don’t know how you’ll do it either. Somehow, unbelievably, you’ll get through this, even though life will never be the same. I just can’t tell you enough how sorry I am. Your sweet baby. I can’t imagine.
Jeanette says:
You will know when the time is right to put things away.
Listen to your heart.
Sabrina says:
I may not know you or Heather, but I think of you both often! I cry for you as I read your blogs and twitter to Hugh for your precious Maddie. I think it is bc I am a mother and this pain..even though I have never felt it’s intensity…us parents should never feel!! But some of do….As I read your blog, tears fall for you and Heather, you are strong for her as I am sure she is for you when you are weak~
So my suggestion for all your beautiful Maddie’s things is when you are ready have someone else come over and you and Heather leave as they pack her things. It’s too hard for you and heather to do, It would be like saying goodbye again…you shouldn’t have to do that! You don’t have to throw them away, have who ever does it put them some where for later when you are ready to do what you need to do with them.
Maybe if you like take a few things of hers that were close to you and put them some place special~
With or with out her little toys or things all over…she will always be there in your hearts and mind. When her things are gone, she will remain with you in your hearts!!
Heidi says:
You are living every parent’s worst nightmare. I am so very sorry. With all my heart I wish there was a way to fix it. There is no timeline for grief or picking up toys.
Jana says:
Take your time with the toys, Mike and Heather. Pick the favorite ones of hers for your keeping and when, and ONLY when ready, maybe donate to a children’s hospital for other ailing kids to play with…or a mother/children’s shelter.
Every, little step is going to open a new wound – it’s beyond an awful, shitty process and I wish we could all take it away from you.
Heather says:
I really admire you and your wife for the way you put your whole heart and soul into your beautiful daughter and we were all lucky enough to share her too. I think about your family ALL of the time. I have 3 kids and cannot even imagine the pain you are feeling. I am crying reading you and your wife’s posts. Thank you both for continuing to share your lives with us. We are so lucky to “know” you. I admire you both so much and if I could reach into the computer and give you both a big hug, I would be doing it right now. And- I would not rush on the stuff. I have a friend who lost her baby boy and her family cleared out all of his stuff before she could make it home from the hospital without him. She was relieved in the beginning, but later regrets it and wants his stuff back since that is the only thing left to physically hold. I hope that time will help you both to get used to this devastating loss although I do not know if this is the right thing to say.
Krissa - another of your and Heather's readers says:
I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. If you and Heather want to keep Maddie’s things exactly as they are right now, do that for as long as you want to. You will know what to do with them and you will know the ‘right’ time to do it. I wish you weren’t faced with this decision (if that’s the right word?), but you will know in your hearts when the time comes to move anything else of hers…and where to move it to. The reason I believe this is because you will be guided by the love that bonds all of you together forever. You will know what to do when the time is right. I am so very sorry for your loss. Maddie will be remembered with love all over the world. That doesn’t bring her back to this world, I know. But she will always be remembered. May she rest in peace and may you find comfort in the love that bonds all of you together now and always, wherever you are.
Andrea's Sweet Life says:
I think (and bear in mind, this is coming from someone who wouldn’t let her husband mow certain areas of the lawn for 6 months because I just couldn’t move the toys our dog played with before she passed) that you should leave them where they are. In time, when you’re ready, you’ll find a place for them. If you’re looking for suggestions, I’d say to pack them lovingly away, as you are ready, and keep them. Don’t go giving her things away just yet – not yet, not until you’re absolutely SURE it’s what you want to do. Heather has mentioned possible siblings in the future, and if/when that time comes, you can decide whether it would be a good thing or a bad thing to pass those things on to them.
And, not that my situation is in ANY WAY the same – I took photos of our dog’s toys strewn about the lawn. I have them framed in my office. I’m looking at my favorite, right now – I took it about 3 months after, and the grass is all grown up around her two favorites. While looking at them sometimes makes me sad, they almost always make me smile, too.
One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. I wish there were better words I could say. xoxo
Liz says:
I wouldn’t give anything away. That’s just me. I haven’t lost a child and I still can’t get rid of any of their things. My husband jokes that I keep every piece of paper they ever scribbled on. I can’t bear to part with them. Each one brings back a memory. Like you and a lot of other people have said, time will tell. For now, keep them out. Maybe put them back on their shelf where they would normally go. Keep her clothes hanging in her closet. I read one suggestion about a quilt made out of some of her favorite clothes and blankets. I’ve seen these made and they are a beautiful remembrance. Something you could pass onto other siblings. Again, maybe in time this would work.
I keep coming back to Heather and your blogs and hoping this whole thing has just been a very bad dream. I’m sure you feel the same. My prayers are still with you. We’ve never met, yet I know I will never forget Maddie and the love you and Heather have for her. You truly embraced every day with her. You have taught me a lot about being a better parent. I know that is of small value to you with all you are going through, but I hope bits like this help with understanding why this had to happen.
mythoughtsonthat says:
Yes, in time you will figure it out. Peace.
Heather says:
My heart just absolutely breaks for you all. I can’t even imagine where to begin, but you and Heather will work it out in time. I think about you both all the time and wish you nothing but peace.
Jill says:
Thank you for opening your heart to all of us. Thankfully we all know that heartbreak lessens in time, but you have to go through this first horrible part first. This pain is a tribute to the love you have for your daughter.
Praying the you feel peace and comfort.
Kellie says:
There is no right answer. The only thing I can offer is when your heart tells you. Maybe donating her toys to a children’s hospital or to a shelter or boxing them up and storing them until you feel the answer in your heart.
As I’ve said on Heather’s site, I am beyond sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. You and Heather and Maddie are in my thoughts daily.
Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba) says:
I. Can’t. Imagine.
🙁
steph says:
I was thinking about this exact thing today – for you and Heather. Thoughts, hugs, and tears for you two and all of those who love Maddie.
Leena says:
Dear Mike,
I just came across you and your wife’s blog recently- i wish i had known about it while your beautiful Maddie was still alive – it’s just different reading your archive posts and knowing that the sweet child that inspired them has passed away.
I can’t imagine what this has to be like for your family but I do know that she was one lucky kid, despite all the health struggles she dealt with, to have a family that adored her so much. You filled every day of her life with love, laughter and great joy. She was your angel but each of you were hers as well. know there are so many people thinking of you and praying for you.
Midwest Mommy says:
I have typed a comment, then deleted, typed a comment, then deleted, typed a comment, then deleted…
I have no idea what to say. This isn’t fair.
amy says:
I too think of you all daily. I am so sorry you both have to go through this, it is so unfair and so very sad… She was obviously a very special and loved little girl, gone far too soon. My heart aches for you both.
moosh in indy. says:
Sure you can.
Clean floors are overrated.
xoxo
WM says:
I can only imagine. Although not exactly the same I remember having to make similar calls when my Dad passed away unexpectedly. He leased a car and so I had to call the company and ask how to return it.
It was awkard and they didn’t want me to return it. I finally had to say he passed away. Then they fell all over themselves and told me to come right away.
All the calls to be made, things to be “dealt” with. It was hard and everything was a reminder of what wouldn’t be.
You have to do whatever moves you and in your own time.
big hugs
Marti B. says:
I’m sorry I don’t know you and Heather at all. I follow the Flotsamblog quite a bit and this is how I learned of Maddie.
If I am being unkind, I so apologize, but…….is it possible for you and your wife to try for another baby? I know another child will NOT replace Maddie – but, you two deserve some happiness on this earth. Or possibly adopt? There are so many baby girls in Chinese orphanages waiting for good homes.
I lost a 28 week preemie boy 36 years ago, who would have lived had the NICU had the technology they do today. I had 3 miscarriages before that one. Then I went on to have one healthy full term pregnancy and had a daughter who is now 34 years old.
My sister lost a 3 month old son to crib death, but about 2 years later they had another son, and then a surprise son about 5 years later.
Again I apologize if I am out of line.
Alison says:
I only know you, Heather and Madeline through blogs, but I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I wish you both peace and strength.
pillarr1 says:
Hi Mike,
I always comment on Heather’s blog about how amazing you guys are and how strong you are. This must be an awful decision for you guys about what to do with all of Maddie’s things. I too lost children in the past. I purchased a bunch of clear tubs from Target and put many items in there. That way, I could still see all of the blankets, clothes, etc. without having to physically open box after box. It was hard to look in the closet at first. In fact, I didn’t look. But eventually, I looked. And, I smiled. I even used some of the clothes for my daughter that I had 3 years later. Some of the things remain untouched. Some of the things I gave away this year. You will figure out what is right for you. You will know when it is right to do whatever you decide.
Sarah says:
Save them! In your own time, find a way to save some of her most special things. The things she really loved. If eventually you both are ready to be parents to a second child, these belongings will be more of the countless blessings that Maddie passes down to her younger sibling. The love she poured into them will be another part of her joyful legacy.
With that said, I can’t imagine how difficult this is. For what tiny measure its worth, my heart and prayers are with the two of you and your family. I hope the love of your community, the world, and the beauty of your amazing memories with your daughter will lift you up during this difficult time.
Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy says:
Mike-
I’m sorry I haven’t taken the opportunity to meet you in person, either at the service of the walk. As I told Heather, it was a time for being with the people who know you best. Megan said that when you were standing with Heather at the microphone you looked so lost. I wanted to say hello and hug you, and say how sorry I am but it just didn’t feel right.
My favorite color is purple. I’m surrounded by it in my house: my slippers, favorite vases, tons of clothes, shoes and jewelry and two of the walls in my house are a deep, rich purple. Seeing all these things every day makes me think of you, Heather and Maddie. I hope that in those quick moments, you both feel a little comfort and peace.
Sheri says:
Hi…
I am one of many people who wish to offer you my sympathy. Your daughter is beautiful.
I can’t imagine how you feel or what you are dealing with, but my mom can. My two older brothers died. The first was 1 year 1 month and 11 days old. He died on Christmas Day 1960. My other brother was born a year later and died at the age of two. My parents kept everything and I remember playing with all kinds of toys. Some of my favorite things are not the big toys that my parents bought me later on, but stuff Bruce and Jeff were pictured holding and I also remembered loving. They are my most prized possessions now too. My mom gave me their slippers, a couple of outfits and some other trinkets.
You need to take care of yourself. Take some time. You don’t know what your future holds.
Your daughter was loved by so many people who didn’t even know her in real life.
God bless you and your family.
Jennifer says:
I am so sorry. When we were told that there was a chance Jude could leave us I came home devastated. I walked through my home staring at his pictures, toys, and closing his door to his room. I wondered how I could ever deal with losing him. I cannot even imagine how you are making it each day, but you are! Take your time…..there is no rush.
Maybe at some point the NICU could make use of the toys, or a local children’s hospital?
LiteralDan says:
I imagine little things like this will keep popping up to suck the wind right out of your sails, so I can only hope it will get easier because, well, it just has to. At least they didn’t make the phone call even MORE difficult by pushing the bureaucracy, I suppose.
amy says:
I am so sorry Maddie wasn’t running to the field with Dad in her wake. I am so saddened she is not with you NOW. Losing someone so close is unimaginable to me (although I too have had my losses so have minimal comprehension). What I do have is a history of depression and the overwhelming desire at times to lock myself in my room and only come out when I need something or feel better. What I have learned is that sometimes anti-depressants can really, really help and when very overwhelmed and down there is no harm in faking normal for a part of the day. Gets you out there, interacting with others and living. Keep taking it one second, one minute, one hour and one day at a time and do what you need to do to get yourself through it.
I am so sorry for your loss of beautiful Maddie and hope in time you and your wife can attend some sort of support group either together or alone to deal with her death. Together or apart. My parents lost my brother some 19 years ago and it was SO good for them to have somewhere they felt understood and could just grieve with the wisdom of those that unfortunately came before them. They felt understood and cared for.
Your loss has been intense. Be good to yourself and your wife. Just wish I could help make this bleak time just a little less horrific. Maddie was a beautiful soul and so loved by many. I am so sorry.
Al_Pal says:
Guh. So much pain, I don’t know what to say. Just that I have sorrow and am sending peaceful energy your way.
denise says:
If i may say it. I think your heart will tell you what you should do with the toys and other things.
I know that I would keep everything. But that’s me.
Lifting you and Heather up in prayer everyday for comfort and peace.
Alexandra P says:
Mike,
I don’t know wheater or not you want to think about this right now, but considering how well you and Heather embraced parenthood, chances are that sometime in the next ten years you WILL have another kid or two. I would advise you not to throw/give the stuff away just yet: just box it up somewhere when you’re ready. Unless, of course, one of you doesn’t WANT Maddie’s brother/sister using all her stuff. In that case, the only thing I would advise is to not to throw anything away that you’re not sure about. You can always throw it away later if you change your mind, but you can’t un-throw it away.
Hope that helps,
Alexandra