When a couple finds out they’re expecting there isn’t much that’s in their control. There is, however, one thing they do control – whether or not they find out the sex of the baby.
As you probably know from this blog, Heather and I are not “wait to find out” kind of people. I’m a little more patient than Heather (who would celebrate Christmas today if I’d let her), but I’m still not exactly Job. That means we are both on board with finding out what we are having as soon as possible, as we did with Maddie and Annie.
Beyond not being able to wait, though, we also want to know what we’re having so we can prepare. If, for example, we’re having another girl, it’s not much of an issue since we already have all things “girl,” but if it’s a boy it will be DEFCON 5 around here as we race around to find baby boy stuff. I’m not even sure what a baby boy needs… would he need a football helmet? Or could that wait until he’s older? How about nunchuks?
Arriving at the hospital to have Annie. If she didn’t know the sex she would not be smiling.
So, yeah, we are not “wait people,” but our friends Tara and George are. They’re having their fourth and last child, and George thought it would be fun to keep the sex a surprise until he or she entered the world. And while I can definitely see how waiting will make a special moment for them, Heather and I are so impatient that we’re even having trouble waiting to find out what they’re having!
Since George is the one who is more gung-ho about waiting than Tara, and since he hasn’t been able to attend all the ultrasounds because of his job, we tried to work on her.
“George won’t be there, Tara, so why don’t you just find out what you’re having and not tell him?”
“I couldn’t do that,” Tara said. “I can’t keep a secret. He’d know five seconds after he got home.”
“How about this then – ask the technician to write it down on a piece of paper and then put it in your purse.”
“Why would I do that?”
“So you can give it to us!”
Can you believe Tara wouldn’t go along with that idea? It seemed pretty reasonable to us.
We still have a little time before we can find out the sex of The Acrobat, so there’s still a chance (in theory) that we could be convinced to wait. I wouldn’t bet on it though. Heather’s already desperate to tell me what my birthday present is even though my birthday is less than two weeks away!
Kirsten says:
We didn’t find out with our first – and won’t find out with our current one either I thought it was fun not to know! Babies don’t need much in the beginning, and we got bombarded with clothes once our boy arrived. Course, I’m not one that has to have everything all prepared and the nursery decorated, so I guess it depends on each person and how they deal with that stuff. I think I was surprised how many people were actually MAD that we didn’t find out….I didn’t think they would care, but I was wrong! haha
Jenn says:
OOHH MY GOSH!!! That picture of Heather….I thought it was her TODAY!!! I thought to myself….”WOW – She is so BIG for only being 12 wks”!!! Ha ha ha We waited with our first born son, with our 2nd baby and only girl we found out 13 days before she was born (even though I was SURE it was a girl) and with our last baby, we found out it was another boy. I can say without a doubt, although I love of my children, I bonded more with my Sydney and Sam b/c I think I did find out their genders before they were born. No trying to change your mind on my end….I’m like you guys “PRO KNOW”!!! I think the day you meet your baby is sooo exciting anyway, so I didn’t find knowing my baby’s gender took any bit of excitement away from us. Are you guys going to share your finding once you know??? I for one can’t wait to know what you’re having!!! It’s always fun to baby shop…even when it’s not your baby!!! xo
sue says:
I thought it was a present pic of her, too!! LOL
Sarah says:
Haha, I can understand your predicament; I had to open my birthday present from my boyfriend the day before my birthday because he was TOO EXCITED and if he had to wait another 24 hours, he’d just lose all control and tell me what it was before I got the chance to unwrap it.
Even if you could be convinced to wait, spare a thought for your dear readers who *can’t*! I’m thinking Acrobat will be another girl… although, a boy would be so awesome!
Jenn says:
When pregnant with my twins, I HAD to know. Then when we got pregnant with our third, we thought it would be fun if let it be a surprise. It wasn’t and I regret not knowing :(. Besides getting everything in yellow and green (yuck :(~), I feel like I didn’t bond as well with her. I am also definitely Pro Know!! Good luck, but don’t wait to find out, mostly because we are all so excited for you guys and WE can’t wait
Karen says:
I’ve never had a child of my own, (I steal them regularly however), but I always thought I’d want to know. Nothing against those who don’t, it’s a personal choice, but my thoughts were always that once the baby HAS a gender, I want to know it just like I want to know that all their bits are healthy and in the right place. Regardless of what you want to say about social conditioning blah, blah, blah, their gender is going to be a major part of their lives in one way or another and trying to pretend like it doesn’t already exist just so that I can be surprised feels, to me, like I wouldn’t be doing everything I could to discover the little life growing inside me.
Then again, I never did like surprises. If it exists, I want it NOW!
Heather says:
I didn’t want to find out with my oldest, but the tech said “there she is!” and it sort of gave everything away. Second was only 18 months behind the first, so it made sense to find out because there was a lot in the way of current hand me downs and I figured it would be good to know. That was 10 years ago, first marriage and I didn’t need any more surprises, given the bad stuff I was living with.
My husband and I are trying for, hoping for, praying for number 3. Every month we head to the fertility clinic and every month we have the same “do we want to know what we’re having when we have it?” Husband always says yes. According to him there are enough surprises in this life that he’d like to know. I’m firmly on no… right now. I’m also not patient, so…
Katrina says:
Ugh..the tech gave it away?!! You’d think they’d be more careful about that!!!
erin says:
i’m 30 weeks along with my second and we decided to be surprised this time. there is good and bad to it – we’re doing a homebirth this time and really wanted the whole experience, that moment will be completely magical when they enter the world. however, not knowing is also making it harder to form a connection with this baby. not calling them by name is strange.
unless you’re all for being surprised, i would say to go ahead and find out
shan says:
Giggle. I am not a patient person either. Nope..need to know what is in there…MUST know!!!
Steph says:
I can’t believe Tara wouldn’t say yes to your request:)
DefendUSA says:
I got to do a little of both…3 was the biggest surprise…we didn’t know and it was the easiest birth…and she was “d-dorable” according to her big brother.
Kim says:
Yes! I must know!
Michele says:
No need to wait. I told Heather yesterday that I was babysitting for you guys and your little boy was just as sweet as could be. :o) I found out with both of mine and it doesn’t take anything away from the delivery at all. In fact, my first question after hearing all parts were accounted for was “is it still a boy/girl”. :o)
Ashley says:
Laughing out loud at -> “would he need a football helmet? Or could that wait until he’s older? How about nunchuks?”
I couldnt wait either… but I knew Jax was a boy from the get-go
Katrina says:
I like to be surprised while my husband likes to find out asap. So we alternate. With our first we were surprised, with our second we found out, with our third we were surprised, with our fourth we found out….etc…and now we are pregnant again and they have this new test available called MaterniT21 — a simple blood draw from mom – that will pull the baby’s DNA from the blood to test how many chromosomes the baby has (checking for trisomy 21, 18 and 13) and it will also tell if the baby is a boy or a girl. You can have this blood draw in your 10th week! Imagine not having to wait until the 18-20 week ultrasound to find out if you’re having a boy or a girl?!! But finding out in the 10th week! Very cool, I think. I get my results next week. I barely have a baby bump to show but yet I’ll know if I’m having a boy or a girl in just a few more days. Fun! (By the way, this new test is a great alternative to having an amnio. No risk to baby. Just a simple blood draw.)
Glenda says:
Katrina,
That’s pretty interesting! Best!
Lynnette says:
Congrats, Katrina! I will be adding you and your little bump to my prayers along with Heather and the Acrobat.
Katrina says:
Thank you
Melli says:
Congrats! I’m a blog reader but am not sure if you’re if you’re “out” there get so I’m writing it here. Great info, I’ll remember this when I get pregnant
Heather says:
KATRINA! YAY! Congrats! So happy for you!
Katrina says:
Thanks! So happy for you, too! I believe we are just a couple weeks apart? I’m due May 25th
TamaraL says:
Aww Katrina, congratulations! That test does sounds pretty cool…best wishes!!
Lisa says:
So both of us were pro waiting to find out…back when we thought it would be easy to have a baby. Then we miscarried multiple times, and now after having gone through 4 years and painful fertility treatments, we’re finding out. I can’t handle waiting anymore, I have to know who we’re going to be meeting! I’m only 7 weeks, and when I called to tell everyone they started immediately asking, “so, what is it?” umm…well, I hope it’s human. LOL
Lola says:
Are you gonna do the pee in a cup gender prediction thing like you did with Annie????
Heather says:
I forgot about that!! We totally should!
Glenda says:
I didn’t find out with either of my two, and the minute I found out I was pregnant I bonded instantly. Knowing that it was our creature didn’t matter on the gender. My first was a boy, so 3 years down the road I felt if it’s another boy I’m set, and if it’s a girl “a shopping we will go”. I had a girl. The day I got out the hospital, on our way home, we stopped for a few “girly” items, and grandma, aunts and friends showered us with girl things.
For those that need to know, I’m all “go for it”. For me I love surprises.
Best to you, Heather and The Acorbat
Christina says:
We’re trying to have a baby right now like many of your commenters. Not sure what we would do, though. I so don’t want to get caught up in gender stereotypes but don’t want to form an androgynous world for my baby either. How about finding out and not telling family? Is that worse/harder than not finding out at all? Because while I know I won’t buy only pink and ruffles for girls and only sports stuff for boys, grandparents certainly would (regardless of our wishes). I am already under instruction from my parents to have a girl and from my in-laws to have a boy. My mother in law actually said, “I just wouldn’t know what to do with a girl?” (Really? I guess we’d have to throw her back, then. Thanks for the warning!) So while others have stated they bonded more with a child after they found out the gender (which I can’t understand but I haven’t “been there” so I’ll see how that goes for myself), I worry that our parents would already make decisions about how excited they’ll be and how they’ll bond with our kid. So maybe we just won’t tell them! And I’m not worried about keeping the secret. I rock the socks off of secrets. I’ll go all “Homeland” on their arses.
Mohini says:
Hi Christina,
I was in the same position as you when due with my second kid. My MIL would ‘let me know’ atleast 10 times a week how great it would be if I had a boy AGAIN !! The sole reason I went in for a surprise was because if it were a girl; I didn’t want my MIL’s disappointment to show from 18th week onwards. I felt the baby, though in my womb would know that somebody in the family didn’t want her. It was an unbearable thought for me….
But as luck would have had it I had a boy …. and of course MIL was super happy….. But I really regret that she created this unnecessary tension when it was least required…
So all the best to you and I hope you have a bouncy baby …. All that matters is that the baby is healthy .
God bless
Adriane says:
If you are REALLY impatient (like I was), I read up on the “nub theory” and was able to make an accurate gender prediction with an appropriate ultrasound photo at 13 weeks.
See what you think… http://www.baby2see.com/gender/external_genitals.html
twingles says:
We didn’t find out with our twins (boys) but we did with the next one (girl). I preferred not knowing, but there were some logistical issues we needed to work out that made us want to know. Also, DH and I took literally all 37 weeks of my twin pregnancy to come up with a 2nd boys name and we knew if we were having a boy for the 3rd we’d need to start negotiating right away.
Funny though – when I think back on my twin pregnancy, I think of myself as having known. Like I’ll tell my son “you’ve moved around so much, I was always saying ‘look at him go’ ” when of course I never referred to him as “him”…because I didn’t know he was a “he”!
Nikki says:
WAIT! It is the only great fantastic surprise that will come out of a hospital..well EVER.
Jill says:
I am in the “wait” camp. There are so few surprises in the world today that I enjoy the excitement of the anticipation. I’m pregnant with my 5th baby and we haven’t found out with any of them. We had three boys in a row and then a girl. Going through a really tough pregnancy (I get hyperemesis like Heather) and then labor…it was the MOST joyous moment of my life when the doctor said “It’s a girl!!” I would never, ever give that moment up for anything. Not to take anything from my boys but we had all, even the boys, really, really wanted a girl. It was beautiful. Now, I’m due in March, again I’ve had a horrible pregnancy (pretty much have been in bed for 5 months, so sick, on Zofran pump) and having this little surprise inside is what keeps me going. Seriously, try it. You can always get an ultrasound and find out or have the tech write it on paper and hold out as long as you can. It’s really a magical moment in the delivery room.
Jill says:
And btw, just to add something else…babies don’t need anything really but diapers, wipes, breastmilk or formula (bottles too, if formula) and a few onesies to get through the first days. TRUST ME, if you have a boy, you will be showered with things for him as soon as your friends and family find out. When we had our girl, after three boys, within 2 weeks she had a bigger wardrobe than I did.
Tara says:
Our first was a surprise and that was great fun to do…ONCE! Now we’re expecting twins and there is no way we’re waiting. I am dying to know if we’re getting 2 of the same or 1 of each!
Annalisa says:
We didn’t really have much of a choice. We went for an amnio because of some less than reassuring initial prenatal screening results (the ninja, as my 2 year old was nicknamed in utero, has always marched to the beat of her own drummer, it appears). As it turns out she was just fine, but since I had to go through the needle ordeal anyway, and one side effect of the amnio is that gender can be determined within a 99.9% certainty ratio, might as well give in and find out.
If and when we have a next one, I’ll be around that age when an amnio is kind of necessary rather than optional, and the temptation will just be too much for me not to find out.
And I feel ya, Heather. I was reminded last weekend of why I leave present shopping for Christmas until Christmas Eve: I got all my kid shopping done, and I have a closet full of toys I’m dying to share with my munchkin, but I can’t. It’s sheer torture, I tell ya (I also like to snoop for presents, so my husband has taken to hiding my Christmas presents outside of our house).
Expat Mom says:
We never waited. With my first two, I was 100% sure they were boys (they were), but we had to confirm. We named them fairly early, so it was fun to talk about “Dorian” or “Dante” months before they arrived. With our last, we were convinced it was a girl, thanks to the pregnancy being an absolute nightmare of sickness. But nope, 22 weeks and we were having a boy. And my older kids learned that “Dominic” was on his way and that made it all the more real to them. Though my 6 year old didn’t forgive me for months for not having the sister he wanted.
Tara says:
For the record, it is becoming more and more of a torture session as the due date gets closer. I tried to talk George into it at the last ultrasound, but no luck. He is too excited about being the one to tell everyone the day the baby is born, right Heather???
Heather says:
I really don’t like that George is going to be the one that tells me because he will torture me by dragging it out as long as possible. I think I need to be in the operating room with you.
Liz says:
I can’t stand not knowing! I don’t have the patience to wait, luckily my husband is the same way. I have several friends who wait to find out, I don’t know how they do it.
Jara says:
I don’t get people who don’t find birth itself surprising enough. Who needs any other surprises.
Trisha says:
What if you guys let Annie do the big reveal to us on video with a cake she cuts into with your help of either blue or pink cake inside?? Saw it on Pinterest and since I’m done having babies, I’m dying for someone to use the whole inside cake reveal
Mommy says:
We did a “gender reveal” party with both of our sons so everyone found out at the same time, and we did the cake thing. It was so fun and cute and the pictures of eberyone’s reactions are priceless!
Katherine says:
Dear Heather and Mike,
What an exciting topic! I have read the comments with great interest.
I have two girls. The first I knew from ultrasound was going to be a girl. After a previous miscarriage, I was convinced I was growing an alien when it finally happened and I felt at the time that I needed to know the gender. People say knowing takes nothing away from the birth, and I suppose I would have agreed at the time. But it was hard to say–I was distracted by feeling the cutting during my c-section and then whatever they snowed me with after they got her out. My cousin was pregnant and having a baby at about the same time, and his gender was a surprise, and I thought she was INSANE. How could she choose not to find out? There would have been no talking me out of finding out and so I try to talk no one out of it, either.
The second girl I had was a surprise. I didn’t find out. I was quite convinced at this point that I was actually growing a baby, after bearing my first daughter, and also I felt there was a good deal of expectation that I should bear a boy. Frankly, I didn’t care. But I didn’t want to see or hear people’s disappointment if I were to be carrying another one of the same gender I already had. I figured if she were a girl, people would find out once she’s here and couldn’t make any comments I didn’t want to hear. I spent so much time thinking about the person I was growing inside this way. When she came out, it was indeed the BEST SURPRISE of my life. Not that it was bad knowing at the first birth, but this was way better.
If I were to go for a third, having experienced knowing and not knowing, I would choose again to not know and be surprised.
Have fun!
Becky C says:
We found out with our first, only because Daddy couldn’t stand to wait. I did not want to know! With our second, I was determined that we would not find out! And WE didn’t! I did have tech the write it down and showed it to anyone that wanted to know (all my friends, family and co-workers)…as long as they swore not to tell me. No one let out a peep and I was thoroughly surprised by my daughter’s arrival!
rachel says:
I am 14 weeks and I am so, so excited to find out! I would give myself an ultrasound right now if I could, haha.
Madi says:
I could never, ever, ever wait. Never! Waaay too impatient!
Tara and George’s mystery child is killing me and I don’t even know them! LOL
I don’t *get* waiting to find out. How do you have that sort of self-control?? I’m amazed!
The one thing I do believe in waiting on is a name. Sure, we go in with a short list of names, but we can’t pick a name until we meet baby and get to know him/her. Names have to “fit” personality and appearance….sometimes you need to try on a few for size before you find the right one! If I had my way, we’d wait a few weeks to pick a name! In our state, you have to pick before the baby leaves the hospital.
(I’ve tried to pre-name pets and that’s failed miserably. Can’t pre-name a pet, so pre-naming a child is just out of the question! LOL)
Madi
Mommy says:
If I had at least one of each gender then MAYBE I could consider being surprised, since I would have clothes for either sex. But then again, I love picking the name, getting the nursery ready and personalized, etc. I felt like I bonded with my boys by knowing their gender and names before they were here. While it would be really, really fun to be surprised, I just don’t know if I could wait 40 weeks. I would probably last a week before demanding to know. Ha ha.
Side bar, I’ve had TWO friends who were told they were having one gender only to give birth and find out the doctor was wrong! Now THAT is a surprise!! :0
So happy for you guys!
xoxo