“Will the other kids be nice to her?”
“Will they like her?”
“Will she make friends?”
These are the kinds of questions parents pull their hair out over, but luckily for me I haven’t had to worry about them with Annie… until this weekend, that is.
On Sunday I took Annie to meet my sister and her family at Calamigos Ranch, a beautiful, rustic place in Malibu best known as the home of the reality show, “The Biggest Loser.” If you’ve seen the show Calamingos Ranch would be instantly recognizable to you, and I soon spotted the gym the show’s contestants work up a sweat in. Annie wasn’t too impressed with any of that (she was like, “Call me when we visit the set of “Yo Gabba Gabba”), but she was impressed by the animals:
Annie’s feelings about this cow… amused? Or frightened?”
Annie and I spent a good five minutes practicing our best “MOOOOOO!” call, then met my sister and her family at an outdoor cafe. There were lots of families there, and dozens of kids ran around having fun as their parents reclined with food and drinks. I expected Annie to be shy and stay by my side, but to my surprise she slipped off my lap and headed toward her cousins (and a bunch of other kids) who were playing beyblades on the grass.
From my vantage point I could see Annie trying to join in, and my heart jumped into my throat. The kids were older and didn’t seem all that enthused about someone Annie’s age joining them.
“Hey guys! What’s this game? Can I play? Can I? Pwease?”
I wanted so badly for her to fit in, but she didn’t really understand how the game worked (that makes two of us, Annie), and instead of using a launcher to send the tops into the arena she just tossed them in. This did not endear her to the older boys, and though they were nice to her, I could tell they wanted her to scram, skiddadle, get lost.
Before long Annie stood up and tried to join a group of bigger kids playing soccer.
Unfortunately, once again Annie only got in the way.
“Move!” a big kid yelled as he prepared to kick. Annie just stood there and the ball went whizzing by her head. Later, the ball rolled toward her, but before she could kick it, a bigger girl ran over and sent the ball into the stratosphere.
Thankfully, Annie’s cousin, Michaela, was also at the cafe, and the two girls were able to have a bunch of two year old appropriate fun:
We are the coolest!
When I told Annie it was time to go she burst into tears. She wanted to stay and “pway with kids,” so obviously she had a great time. It was me who was ready to go because I was stressed out from watching her with the other kids.
I know that being little and wanting to be bigger is a stage of life and something we all have to go through. Still, I hate to think that someday she’ll be at school or the park and end up in tears because she didn’t fit in, didn’t make friends, or the kids were mean to her.
The hardest part for a parent is having to accept that at some point we have to let them fend for themselves. I just always want Annie to be happy.
Beth Mariel says:
You’re a great dad, Mike! Yes I’m sure Annie will always be your little princess
Annalisa says:
She’ll be okay, I promise.
The first time I took my then 16 month old to the park to play. She kept getting in the big kids’ way. At some point a blonde little boy who may have been 3 just got tired of her being in the way, and pushed her down from the play structure. My daughter looked stunned. I picked her up and asked her “Are you okay?” trying my best to stay neutral when I just wanted to go push the little boy back. At that point she wasn’t super verbal (these days, 3 months later, it’s another story), so she just looked at me, looked down at her knees and shrugged. Meanwhile blond boy pushed another little boy off, and the other boy cried and carried on. Blond boy’s dad took him away from the park, with him screaming at full volume to be let go.
Afterward, the sitter of one of the other kids said “I don’t know how you could stay so calm. I would have been screaming at that little monster and his dad immediately.” I quickly replied that life isn’t fair sometimes, and people don’t like other people for a plethora of reasons that may or may not make sense to us. The important part when people are mean to us though is that you pick yourself up, and you move on, rather than focus on how some kids were mean to you. What’s the point of crying about the bullies? It’s just a waste of time, and it doesn’t change who they are and what they do. Took me the better part of 30 years to learn that lesson, with a lot of heartache along the way.
I would hope that by being calm about it, I can spare my daughter the same pain. Stuff happens that you just have no control over, like a mean little boy who likes to push other kids around. The important part is whether you let it define you or not, and it’s best not to. Not sure if that makes any sense, but there you go.
Leslie says:
OH I SO KNOW! =(
Jolene says:
I totally AGREE! IT is HEART wrenching to watch your baby try to fit in. My girl is so outgoing that she wants to be friends with everyone. A lot of times though, kids are not as accepting.
I have to give Annalisa props, she is a stronger momma than me. I need to take her advice.
Samantha F in St. Paul says:
My daughter started Kindergarten this year and this has been a battle that we have been fighting all year. It started the first week of school when someone told her she was fat!
It’s amazing the things that our children have to deal with and some of what she deals with I remember having to go through it at a later age-it amazes how mean children can actually be. Then I remember it’s a learned behaviour and I shake my head even harder.
Annalisa says:
The fact that girls have started becoming more vicious at ever increasing ages is pretty well documented by now.
There’s many reasons for it, but I think part of it is, we don’t give children enough time in schools to actually interact with one another just for the sake of it anymore and to learn to get along (why let kids have opportunities to play at school when the ever so glorious tests of everything demand that recess be cut?), so it’s hard to be surprised that more and more kids these days seldom know how to relate to people who they perceive as different.
Kristen @ The Chronicles of Dutch says:
Awe. I remember those days for myself. I can wait a long while for my baby to get there. Glad Annie had her cousin!
Amanda says:
Yes! THIS!
It just makes your heart hurt, right? This weekend we took our three and a half year old to a local pool. There were bigger kids playing, tossing around beach balls, racing, jumping in and all Harper wanted to do was do what they were doing! She’s still so young, though very tall for her age, so though she may have been the same size as a 6 year old she was just too ‘little’
ldoo says:
I am constantly amazed at how gut-wrenchingly sad/panicked I feel when I watch the same kind of thing. To see your child potentially have hurt feelings simply devastates me. I feel your pain.
Denise says:
Wow this is a tough one. I see some of the other comments and agree kids (and unfortunately girls) can be very mean. “Fitting In” can be especially difficult at times as they get older, but it looks like your daughter is going to be fine because she has the both of you watching out for her. Just keep in mind that all kids can get snarky at times and that’s not such a big deal. It starts to become a red flag when your child begins to act out, or stops participating in her hobbies and interests in the hopes of gaining acceptance with a group. However, after reading some of your posts, I can see you guys are “on the ball” with this parenting gig. Best regards to you both, and your precious girl.
Glenda says:
Yes! I know what you mean. At least she had her cousins to play with.
I agree with Annalissa. It will just make Annie stronger over the years. It’s not always fun!
Amy Stone says:
“The hardest part for a parent is having to accept that at some point we have to let them fend for themselves.”
My oldest is 16, driving, and has a boyfriend….I find myself reminding me of these words constantly. Telling myself I have to let go a little and let her figure things out and HOPE TO GOD I gave her a good enough value set…when what I REALLY want to do is lock her in the house and keep her with me always!!
Heather says:
I’m glad I’m not the only parent who feels this way. Usually Zack doesn’t even notice when he is not wanted or doesn’t fit in but I do. And on the rare chance that he does, or the kids don’t want to play with him my heart breaks for him. I know I have to let him find his way but it is just SOOO hard sometimes.
Jenn says:
You do such cool things!!! This topic (along with bullying runs raw for me). I always worried about bullying & my kids being excluded….especially with my oldest son who has a learning disability. Fortunately, he became one of the popular kids so my fears were unfounded…..until he reached gr. 7.
A new boy came to the school who in everyone’s eyes was the new “COOL FRIEND”. According to my son’s school staff, this boy became threatened by the easy friendship my son had with everyone (his friends & him had been together since gr.1). Soon my son – the physically smallest in the class not only became a target to this new kid but suddenly to all of my son’s best friends.
HURT was an UNDERSTATMENT not only for my son but also for my husband & I. Not too get into everything but with the support of advocates, the police & our lawyers…a long 7 months later we won the fight to get the bully out of our son’s classroom. Skipping 2 yrs later he is now in high school, popular again with many new friends – a little more wiser but not without scars. As for his dad & I….well, silently, we know all too well not to let our guard down but we also know as parents we can’t protect our child from every hurt…it sucks but it’s true.
I know by going thru all we did with him, we all learned some pretty profound lessons & grew a thicker skin but I’d be lying if I said the need to protect him at 2 yrs old was any different than the need to want to protect him at 11 yrs old when we saw him struggle to fit in.
It is hard Mike…I won’t lie but I will tell you this… Annie is an amazing kid…I’m sure she’ll do great. If not, then she will be a very lucky little girl to have a family who loves her more than anything & is right there to catch her when she falls. And you & Heather my friends…will always have not only my support but I’m sure everyone else who reads this blog!
Sending you & Heather hugs & support!!
Annalisa says:
The police had to be involved? Wow. Things must have gotten really bad for your poor kid. =(
Jenn says:
Yes Annalisa – the police were involved as were lawyers & Dr.’s since it got to the point my son “didn’t want to be here anymore”. It was by far one of the worse things we have gone through as parents….it still hurts. My son is okay now….thank God. Thank you for your message.
Keri says:
I know how you feel! I took my kids (then 1 and 3) to a friend’s daughter’s 5th birthday party. It was at a gymnastics place and none of the party guests would give them the time of day. My kids have lots of friends their age, but it broke my heart to see them walk up to kids who would ignore them. Luckily they had each other and Annie had her cousin!
nona says:
Oh, good, these concerns must be normal. I’m a nanny; my “charge” is about to turn 3, and go to pre-school. I started to worry that I was too enthusiastic about everything she does, like… the other kids aren’t going to care if she finds a stick, whereas, I’d be like, “COOL STICK!” and talk about it for five minutes.
Your post reminds me that kids are always learning, adapting, adjusting. School will be a different scene, and I will adapt to her changing needs, too. And I will try not to take it personally if it takes a while before she finds a social network!
Trisha says:
I am constantly in protective mode with my 3 year old little girl but I also have 3 teenage daughters as well. They remind me all the time that they made it okay and I need to relax and not be such a micro-managment mom with their baby sister, give her a little space to see how she handles stuff on the play ground or with a play date. I’m getting there but it’s hard and it must get a little eaier because my older girls seem to handle rejection and hard times okay so I must have figured it out along the way and just need a little reminding every now and again
I think you’re both doing great as parents and Annie seems to not take it all too seriously and brushed herself off okay, so that’s a good sign in itself.