Dear Abby,
Recently I took my daughter to the pharmacy to get some medication she needed. While we were there a woman came up to my stroller and looked in at, ahem, “Maggie,” and smiled from ear to ear. She then said, “Oh my Goodness! You’re baby is so, so…”
I nodded, smug, and thought about how how my baby is “so, so…perfect,” “so, so…beautiful,” even “so,so…transcendant.”
She then said, “so, so…tiny.”
I thought, “The fuck, bitch? That was totally rude! She was a preemie and still spits up a lot! And maybe there was a week I didn’t feed her enough!”
I’m sorry, Abby. I hope that language wasn’t too harsh. I simply wish to express to you how I wanted to kill the whore…bitch…whatever term you deem printable. (By the way, Abby, I love your work. I don’t know where you find these freaks who write in to you! Of course if you print this I guess I’m one of those freaks. Now I’m not so sure I want you to print this. I do want your advice though. Shit. This is also way too many sentences to put between parenthesis, isn’t it? Your editor probably won’t even print this on account of all the editing work he’d have to do. And if it is a woman editor she’s now likely offended by my chauvanistic assumption. Crap!)
Anyway…
The real reason I’m writing, Dear Abby, is because of what happened shortly after the incident with the thoughtless fucking whore or bitch. (Again please use whichever term you deem printable. If, however, the word “cunt” is printable it is preferable to the other two, but somehow I doubt that it is. That’s what she was though if we really are going to get down to business here. Perhaps you could refer to her as that “See You Next Tuesday” Lady. Your readers would likely find that amusing, and it would get across my feelings about that fucking whore/bitch…or cunt, if printable.)
So, to the issue at hand. I was told by the pharmacist that it would be a short wait, so I took a seat next to another woman who also took an interest in “Maggie.” By the way, Abby, how many words is your column? Because I’m at 318 already and haven’t even got to what I was writing about. You’re totally going to just throw this in the trash, aren’t you? Well, if that’s the case screw you, Abby! Where do you get off thinking you can tell everyone what to do anyway?!
Sorry, Abby. I really am a fan actually. In fact I read your colum every day and truly want your advice about this woman (not the fucking whore/bitch…or cunt if printable…but the other one. Again, please excuse my language if it offends, Abby.)
Anyway, as I was waiting for the medication to be ready (not mine, my daughter’s. You’re totally thinking I need meds though, aren’t you? I realize this letter may have gone off the rails and made me seem a little crazy, but I was there for Maddie’s meds, not mine. Shit! I mean “Maggie’s” meds. Now you know my kid’s name! If you print her real name, so help you, Abby, I will hunt you down like the dog you are, you “See You Next Tuesday,” and rip you to shreds! Of course, if you never intended to print her real name I feel really bad and have no intention to kill you. And shit, this is again way too many words to put between parenthesis.)
So on to the question. The lady next to me (you know which one, right?) looked at my daughter and asked if she could hold her. I peered at this woman, who actually looked like a nice old lady, but let’s face it, she was at the the pharmacy, so God knows what she may have…scurvy, herpes, polio….who knows? And when the best option is scurvy you know you’re in trouble, so I told her she could not hold my baby. (Here’s a suggestion: print this letter in two parts! I realize it is getting kind of long and I don’t take well to my writing being edited. I’m not saying I would hunt you and your editor down if you edit it, but, well, I guess I am. And I’m large. I could totally hurt an old lady like you. So don’t edit this. But do print it in full or risk my wrath. Thanks, Abby!) Anyway, the lady glared at me and walked away like I had totally insulted her. Was I wrong to not let her hold my baby? It seemed weird, and my baby isn’t so healthy to start with, but maybe I was being an ass.
Please help me, Abby!
Sincerely,
Confused in Los Angeles
NOTE: I sent this letter in to Abby but…as awesome as it is…I worry it might not be printed. So I’d really appreciate it if you out there in internet land could give me advice on this question on the off chance Abby doesn’t print this (though she totally will…won’t she?)
LA says:
First, I can totally sympathize with the small baby comments. I didn’t have a preemie, but my daughter was wearing her 3 month clothes at 8 months. People make references to her size all the time, and it kind of pisses me off and makes me defensive. The benefit is that she can actually wear her clothes more than a handful of times.
You weren’t being an ass, you were being a good parent. At least the woman asked. though. A friend of mine had a woman just grab her daughter out of a shopping cart to hold her. And this one takes the cake (from a message board I frequent):
“OK I am still freaking out about this. My DH went to the grocery store with [our son] and of course when we get in there he starts crying. Well this [grocery store] worker comes up in the produce looking at him and talking. No big deal. Well then we are going down another aisle and of course he is getting louder. Well she comes up to him again and then all of the sudden…she STICKS HER FINGER IN HIS MOUTH. It took me a minute because I was in shock and then I said “EXCUSE ME…please take your finger out of my son’s mouth”. She then replied “oh it is OK I just washed my hands.” I rushed away and then she yells “well maybe he needs a pacifer”. I did not reply because I was in SHOCK. I am still in SHOCK. I can not believe she put her finger in my 6 week old child’s mouth.”
Bottom line – people have no boundaries when it comes to babies.
Manager Mom says:
Hellz no, you should not have let her hold your baby. It’s a BABY, not a fucking PUPPY.
Anna Marie says:
Of COURSE you shouldn’t have let her hold Maddie. I mean Maggie. Even if she had been full term and wasn’t still medically fragile you don’t just ask to HOLD SOMEONE’S BABY. I can’t believe she actually asked.
Black Hockey Jesus says:
I would’ve said “Yeah, if the price is right. Are you holding any percocet? What’s your script for? You ain’t holding my baby for no antibiotic.”
But that’s just me. Usually the moms have better advice for these kinds of situations.
Funny as hell, Mike. Loved the parenthetical self-consciousness.
Baby B says:
Wow, I pretty much turn into a girly puddle of babbling goo when I see a baby and I know better than to 1. ask a random stranger if I can hold their baby and 2. not STICK MY FINGER IN HIS/HER MOUTH (!).
I did pick up a random baby (17 months, the mom said) yesterday, but that was at the beach, she had wandered quite far from her mommy. I was in direct eyesight of the mom, she hollered that the baby belonged over there, and let’s be honest, walking on sand is not easy for the under-2s.
Tania says:
You were toally in the right!! As a mother of a premie who is know almost six but is still very tiny, if not for her vocabulary she could pass for 4 no problem, but she just won’t stop talking for nothing thus screwing up anythign she could pass for 4 and get for free, off the subject ( I do love her dearly though) I had many moments of “oh my god are you searious” to “what did you just do to my baby” (you know finger sticking in the mouth, umm NO your hands arn’t clean, to assvice I never ever asked for int he first place. So anyway, ( I tend to get off the subject now and then) you did the right thing and don’t let anyone tell you different, well maybe your doctor but even sometimes they can’t be trusted, LOL, so just keep on protecting your daughter the best you can and oh I hope Dear Abby prints your letter complete with C you next Tuesday!! Good Luck!
Kellee says:
Okay, first of all, let the Diet Coke running down my face serve as evidence of how amusing I found your “letter”. Now, I guess I’m a little more forgiving than everyone else here. I would not have found it so completely strange had you been sitting there chatting for a while and she then asked if she may hold your baby. But yes, given the circumstances, and the complete lack of any “foreplay”, it seems wildly inappropriate. I run into wierdness like that with my dog, and that’s just a dog! She is very nervous around people, but I try to take her out with me if and when I’m able. I can’t tell you how many people come up and stick their hands in her face. I quietly think to myself, “I almost hope she bites you, assclown.” They don’t even bother to ask “Hey, may I pet your dog?” They don’t even bother to “introduce themselves” to her by letter her sniff them or anything. It’s a safe assumption that most strangers and idiots. Good for you for telling her NO!
Leslie says:
Some people are just plain ‘ol freaky deaky wierdos when it comes to babies. If they’re not touching your STOMACH before they even come out, they’re trying to man-handle them afterwards! Good for you for saying “no” Also, thanks for visiting my site – I hope someday you find that guy who wrote “fat kid” and whoop his scrawny butt.
Christy says:
You are a riot! That’s hilarious! People are really weird with babies sometimes…once, my husband & I were at a Chinese restaurant when my oldest daughter was 6 months old and the waiter came over and said something indecipherable, shook his head, and before I realized what was happening, he picked my daughter up out of the high chair and started walking around the restaurant with her! C-R-A-Z-Y!
Kellee says:
I just remembered another crazy baby story. My little sister was entirely adorable as a child, head full of blonde ringlets, big bright blue eyes, etc. One day, as we were walking out of a restaurant, my sister in my mother’s arms, an entire busload of asian people climbed out of their bus and approached my mother. Not only did EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM want to HOLD my sister… they all wanted to have their PICTURE taken with her. No joke. That, in my opinion, is the strangest thing I’ve ever heard. I don’t recall what my mother said (I’m sure it was no), but I guess there could be 100 people running around various asian countries with pictures of my little sister. Wierd.
(Note: My sister is still adorable, but now that’s she’s 6’2″ people are no longer trying to lift her up.)
maya says:
of course, as you know- although my girls were preemis- they are large babies at the moment.
But I would NEVER let anyone who did not know me hold my baby. That woman was inappropriate. you did the right thing
Amy says:
Ok, so I have a few stories like this….don’t we all?!?
When my oldest was about 3 weeks old my husband had his wisdom teeth pulled…we were waiting in the oral surgeon’s office, myself and the baby. This older woman is sitting there as well, coughing hysterically. She finally comes over, lifts the blanket OFF of the baby carrier and starts to reach for my baby. No, hi how are you, what a cute baby, can I look, can I hold…nothing! Her husband was mortified and yelled at her to NOT touch that baby! I was so thankful for him because I was so shocked that I hadn’t even opened my mouth yet to tell her myself!
Second story, with same daughter, she was now about 3 months old. I was at the mall with my mother and sister in law. The baby decided to scream and not stop. I finally went into a dressing room to nurse her. A woman follows me in, and asks me if i’d like her to hold my baby while I shopped. Ummm…yeah because shopping is WAY more important that consoling my crying baby! I swear she wanted to kidnap her!
So I don’t think you are rude or out of line in ANY way to tell her no! She was the rude one in this situation! I always WAIT until a mom or dad offers their baby to me before holding!
Linda says:
way to go Mike, no strange ladies get to hold the baby! You definitely got your “daddy stripes” that day!
Auntie Lynn says:
I’m Mike’s aunt-in-law and Maddie’s, opps I mean Maggie’s great aunt…… ouch.
I’d like to offer an optional response to strangers who are so taken with our pretty babies that they would like to hold them and we would rather they didn’t. However, mine isn’t a clever or fun take on the situation, rather just a bit of experience about turning around a potentially negative karmic situation, to a neutral or even positive result.
When a stranger asks to hold your baby you might respond with, “It’s nice that you’re interested in my son/daughter. However, she isn’t well.” And that’s all you have to say; nothing more.
If the stranger has a good vibe (she likes herself), likely she will smile and leave with an understanding heart. If the stranger has a selfish vibe, you minimized the chance of a defensive response and gently got out of an awkward situation.
Other responses to minimize defensiveness and honor those with a good heart might be, “Thanks for asking, however, she’s just getting better,” or “Thanks for asking, however I’m not comfortable yet.” Again, nothing more need be said.
With love, Auntie Lynn