A couple days ago I said that, thanks to Rigby, I had cared for Madeline flawlessly for the most part. I’m not going to say this statement was untrue, but I will do my best impression of a contract lawyer and direct you to the statement, “for the most part.” Before you get too worried please realize that no babies were harmed in this production. Nonetheless, I may have made one pretty bad mistake while caring for Maddie that, when I realized what I had done, made me tear up. Wait. The contract lawyer in me has advised me to revise that statement. I didn’t tear up…dudes never tear up unless “Field Of Dreams” comes on TBS…I just inexplicably found that wetness had appeared on my eyeballs.
So, as you may know, Maddie is off the bottom of the weight chart for her age not only because she was a preemie, but also because she has been adversely affected by the media’s tendency to glamorize women of nearly anorexic weights. Okay. Maybe it was mainly because she was a preemie, but I’m pretty sure that re-run of “The Simple Life” I once watched while feeding her didn’t help.
Anyhoo, the first week I was left home alone with Maddie my wife left me with a million instructions on how to take care of her. There were ten steps to be followed when changing a diaper, elaborate demonstrations of how to swaddle her, heck, there may have even been a long discussion of how to even breathe around the kid. That last one may have been an exaggeration, but it gives you the idea.
At the end of my first week as Maddie’s day-time caretaker Heather came home and was very impressed with my work. Had I correctly instituted the ten step instructions on how to change her diaper? Check. Was I able to swaddle her pefectly in ten seconds or less? Check. Did I put two scoops of formula into the 110 cc’s of water every time I fed her? Check, er, what? TWO SCOOPS? I thought it was just one!
Heather’s jaw dropped. “You’ve only been giving her one scoop?”
I cleared my throat and said, “Um, er, perhaps?”
Heather was not happy. “That’s just great, babe,” she said (although she may have said something less loving than babe), “because our baby is already so fat!”
This is when “Field Of Dreams” suddenly came on TBS. I looked at my little Kate Moss baby and felt like the worst dad ever. After a few seconds, however, she smiled at me with an expression that said, if I wasn’t exactly the world’s best dad, I was pretty decent. I scooped her into my arms and smothered her with kisses.
Ever since that little hiccup Maddie has received two, if not two and a half scoops, in every bottle I’ve ever given her, and when “The Simple Life” comes on I change the channel and tell her that most men actually find Kate Winslet way hotter than Paris Hilton.