Being the first of all my friends to become a Dad has been hard, and the nature of our friendships has definitely changed because of it. One buddy even reacted as if I’d been diagnosed with a terminal disease when I told him Heather was pregnant. “My God,” he croaked. “How long do you have?” Silly as that sounds, he wasn’t totally off the mark. The old Mike – the one who could meet at the bowling alley ten minutes after getting a call, who could go to a midnight rock show, who would craft long, funny emails – vanished the day Maddie was born. In his place now stands a guy who needs to coordinate a date at the bowling alley with the precision of a NASA launch, who is too tired to even think about a midnight show, and who only has time to send brief, typo-addled emails. This new guy, even I will acknowledge, is not a whole heck of a lot of fun to be around for guys without kids. Nevertheless, there are a few ways this version 2.0 of Mike is better than the original.
So, with no further adieu…
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN…COME ONE, COME ALL…AND LAYS EYES UPON WHAT THIS ONCE NORMAL MAN HAS BECOME!!!
WITNESS…HIS AMAZING POURING ABILITIES!!! Once unable to pour any beverage without spilling, this marvel can now pour exactly 110 ccs of water into a baby bottle without looking, while half-asleep, and with a crying baby squirming in his arms!
ADMIRE…HIS THIGHS OF STEEL!!! Shaped by hours of holding a baby on his lap with his legs pressed together! These tree trunk-like spectacles would impress even Suzanne Sommers!
GASP IN AWE…AS HE TYPES WITH BUT ONE HAND!!! Few men with two…or dare I say even three hands…could type what this wonder can with but one thanks to his hours of typing while holding/feeding/rocking a baby!
RECOIL IN DISGUST…AS HE PROVES IMPERVIOUS TO HORRIBLE SMELLS!!! Dirty diapers…spit up…baby formula gone bad…none of these horrors will make him so much as flinch!!!
DON’T MISS YOUR CHANCE!!! STEP RIGHT UP AND SEE…THE AMAZING HUMAN DADDY!!!
Okay. So maybe these things won’t impress my friends very much right now, but you know what? One day, when they too become dads, they will.