A great many parents told me that Annie would more than likely go through an adjustment period after her baby brother came home. Well, its now been eight days since James became a resident of Casa Spohr, and I can tell you with 100% certainty that Annie is smack dab in the middle of her adjustment period. That, of course, was to be expected. What wasn’t expected, though, was how she would act during this adjustment.
If you’d asked me a few weeks ago what I expected this adjustment would look like, I probably would have told you I was worried that Annie was going to resent her brother. That seemed to make the most sense to me. Annie, after being the only kid in our home for three and a half years, would rebel against having to share her parents and throw a tantrum.
“I don’t want him here!”
“I hate him!”
“Why did you do this to me?”
“You don’t love me anymore!”
Yep, the Annie in my imagination was even more dramatic than the real Annie, and that’s saying something. The thing is, Annie didn’t react that way at all. She LOVES James. Every morning she runs up to me and asks if she can see her baby brother. She begs her mother to let her hold him dozens of times a day, and when she gets to she coos, “Ooh. So cute!” She pleads with me to let her change his diapers. She even bursts into impromptu songs in his honor out the blue:
“JAAAAAAAMMMMES! I LOVE MY BABY BROTHER! JAAAAAAMMMMMES! HE’S MY BEST FRIEEEEEEEEND!”
Clearly, my fears of Annie rejecting James were way off the mark. But… that’s not to say she’s been unaffected by the changes in our home. All of a sudden she needs someone to play with her all day long. I wonder where my little girl who would play by herself went. She’s also been defiant at times, but then bursts into tears and reaches out for hugs when she sees Heather and I are unhappy with her.
I’ve sat Annie down and tried to have a heart to heart, asking her if she has any questions about things or if she’s feeling sad or nervous, but since she’s three these conversations never develop in the meaningful way I hoped, and usually devolve into a conversation about Wreck It Ralph in less than a minute.
I think it’s safe to say that, despite being over the moon about having a brother, Annie is nevertheless feeling a bit anxious about things. Heather and I recognize that this is a difficult adjustment for a little girl to make and try to give her lots of reassurance in the form of kisses, hugs, and attention, but so far she still hasn’t been quite herself. Of course, it’s only been a little over a week so far, so this all still pretty new to her.
So, uh, how long do these adjustment periods last? Two weeks? Three?
kelly says:
My first baby brother just turned 48 and I may be getting used to him soon.
Jena Healy says:
Being the little sister I love this comment!
Auntie_M says:
LOL!!! I was just thinking, Well, I’m almost 43, my “baby” brother is 37 and our “baby” sister is now 35…I think we’ve all finally adjusted!!!
Satchi Nitay says:
Sorry to say, I think it took a little longer for our son too- but Annie is definitely adjust better than our son did in the first week as it is already!
Elizabeth says:
It took our daughter maybe a month to get back to her regular self. One thing we did for her that really helped was make her a special card that said “mommy and daddy time”. If she was feeling upset or anything instead of throwing a fit I told her she simply had to get that card and bring it to us. We’d stop what we were doing (or wrap up as quickly as possible) and take the time to give her some special attention.
Heidi says:
What a great idea. Love this!
Jenn says:
Hey Mike!
In my experience, adjusting can take a while b/c just when life becomes predictable, suddenly baby starts hit his milestone and throws everything off kilter again & the older kid is like WTH?!?!
My advice for you guys is just keep on reassuring her and encouraging her to still be her loving, independent self but also be flexible and understanding. Although every milestone is amazing and special (especially for us parents), they may not seem so amazing for Annie…especially when James is getting a lot of attention just for smiling!! This is not to say Annie herself won’t LOVE the interaction she has with her brother…she just may not appreciate anyone else loving it!
It is truly amazing how soon, even though it can be extremely subtle at first, SIBLING Rivalry comes into play.
Annie will be back to herself soon enough but as with everything in life, when one gets thrown a curve ball we all need to readjust except when your 3 1/2 you just may need a little help moving in the right direction.
Kirsten says:
Just wait until James starts sitting, babbling, rolling over, and she sees you whipping out the camera to film him being cute. Once he starts stealing her star power it’s a whole new ball game. And then when he gets mobile and goes after her stuff. Look out. Sibling rivalry adjustment I think lasts a lifetime. My daughter was 2 and ten months when her twin brothers were born, she thought they were great and adored them until we started filming and cheering for them and toys became a competitive event. This is all normal though:)
Meg says:
My sister and I were the same way! Once I realized the littler one was being videotaped far more than yours truly, it became a game for who could get the most “air time” on our family videos. They’re hilarious to watch now… my sister will be reading a book to the camera or something, and suddenly I’ll come cartwheeling through the frame. Sibling rivalry!
Madi says:
I hate to be the one to say this (though Kirsten implied it), but Annie is never going to be “the same.”
Your family dynamic has such a tremendous influence on who your child is as a person; now your family dynamic is very different from what it was previously. So Annie will be forever changed.
I too thought that there would be an adjustment period per se, but it never works out that way because your children are always evolving and growing. The dynamics are just that — dynamic — and they keep changing.
I expected it to be a bit like introducing a new adult dog to the house in that there’s some upset initially and things are a bit “off” until everyone gets to know each other and a new pack order is established. But it never works out like that. The dogs, once adults, remain more or less the same on a developmental level; who they are is a constant. But kids constantly evolve, so if it’s not one thing, it’s another!
I’ve found that difficult…saying goodbye to the old “version” of the child. And it’s so scary to think your decision as a parent is forever altering your child’s life trajectory. The Annie who “would have been” had she grown up without knowing another sibling is gone. I find that terrifying as a parent! Jeez — who gave us all this control! LOL
Lora says:
I have to agree, she will never be “the same”. Having a sibling takes a life time of adjustment, but the trade off (hopefully!) is having someone to learn and grow with and complain about your parents to forever
Congrats again! he is just TOO CUTE FOR WORDS!
Andi C. says:
My older daughter behaved much in the same way as you describe Annie when her baby brother arrived. She was a year younger than Annie when that happened, though. What I noticed was that she REALLY started to fly off her rocker when the baby was about 3-4 months old. It seemed as if she somehow finally realized that this baby wasn’t just a cute distraction and cuddle toy for a time – but was actually here to stay FOR GOOD. After she recovered from this realization it was smooth sailing again, but we hit another rather rough spot when he became mobile, and thus definitely able to get into her stuff. I heard similar tales from parents-of-two all around me, especially centering around the baby’s onset of mobility.
Molly says:
I would say we had sleep disturbances and tantrums for about a month after my second daughter was born (my first daughter was 3). The behavior was always directed at us and not the baby, although I would say that while she liked the baby she was not hyper-interested in her. Since then (they’re 5.5 and 2.5) I’d say it just crops up around various milestones (as others have said) and other life events but all in all they really get along pretty well. Next month we are moving them into bunk beds in the same room!
Sister SIster says:
I can’t give too much advice on the transitioning. My oldest was 17 yrs. old when I had his sister. She was 13 months when I had our next daughter, and daughter #2 was 13 months old when I had our baby boy. The 1st one was too old to “act out” and the smallest ones were so small when each had a sibling come along that it was just “normal” to them, so we never had any “acting out” from them either. Back to what I was going to say before the tangent….the pictures are TOO adorable. I mean ADORABLE! good luck and best wishes!
Rachel says:
Our daughter was about the same age when we she got a baby sister and the exact same thing happened. She loved her sister but wouldn’t play by herself and was acting out towards us. She’s now five and baby sister is almost 2 and it’s still an adjustment and we still have to plead with her to play in her room. But she loves her sister that’s for sure!
Jaynah says:
My oldest is now 4 and our “baby James” is now 18 months; she is STILL enthralled with his every move and loves to share with him, take him by the hand to help him anywhere, and is always proud to introduce him as her baby brother! I kept waiting on the inevitable “growing pains,” but so far they’ve magically stayed away. We have always made sure to include big sis in everything even the “oh my goodness, he’s smiling pictures, which I think definitely helps congrats; he’s handsome!
Melanie says:
My first two children are 2 years apart (and the youngest was born 3 1/2 years after the second – only subtle adjustment issues with that addition). My firstborn didn’t seem to notice or care much about our colicky new baby boy, even when he was screaming his head off, until he became mobile. That’s when she suddenly had her jealousy stage. She wasn’t a big fan of sharing her stuff, and let me tell you, my son was eager to get his hands on her stuff! He was pulling up and cruising around furniture by 7 months. My daughter would be sitting on the couch, playing with her beloved cars, and he would come cruising over to play along. She would nonchalantly knock him down, ever so causally so that if you hadn’t already seen her do this 50 times before, you might think it was accidental or he fell down on his own. Thankfully that didn’t last real long… of course by 8-9 months he was walking and didn’t need that couch for stability and then he could outrun her as needed as well! Still to this day, her attacks against her brother are stealthy.
Jan Reynolds says:
My daughter was 3 when her little sister was born (18 years ago). Our oldest was fine, we didn’t really noticed any changes until the baby was starting to roll over, sit up, crawl.. Then the jealousy started showing up because the baby was demanding more fun time I guess you could call it. I felt like at first my older was such a big “helper” but as the baby starting getting more mobile she became her own little person… that was when the issues started.
Expat Mom says:
It took my kids about a month when their little brothers arrived. My oldest was only 15 months old when his brother came along, though, so he was REALLY nasty about it and even tried to smother the baby at one point (during a photo session, so I have proof of his intent).
When the third baby came, my older boys were 5 and 6. My 5 year old was the same as Annie, absolutely enamored of his brother, but very, very needy. We did “dates” where one of us would take one kid out for hot chocolate and that seemed to help quite a bit.
Annie will be back to normal soon, but I will warn you that all this adoration will probably turn into annoyance when James is big enough to start getting into her stuff.
Mommy says:
We are 2.5 years in and my older son is still a little miffed. He loves his little brother but his adjustment period has been going strong since we brought him home. She will be just fine though. They all adjust and learn that things won’t ever be how they were when they were the only kid in the house, but that they can be even better with a playmate! Hang in there!!
Kellie says:
My kids are 3 years apart and were instantly best friends and did everything together. We never had fights or “adjustment” issues until they were teenagers – and even that wasn’t that big of a deal. Some kids just handle the addition of a sibling well – some don’t. I don’t think we did anything special or particularly right, we just always talked about the importance of family and how brothers and sisters have a special bond and the rest fell in place. I wouldn’t look for problems that aren’t there – just enjoy your family and love one another.
Melissa says:
My son is five and my daughter is 10 months. Teagan was thrilled with his baby sister, Madigan, for the first few weeks. On week three while I was changing her he asked for my help with something. When I told him I would help him as soon as I was done with Madi’s diaper change, he disappeared. He came back a few minutes later to say “Just so you know, I peed on my floor.” Talk about adjustment periods!
The good news is that type of behavior wasn’t repeated. We’ve had our struggles and he’s certainly had moments where he’s been out of sorts and feeling neglected. For the most part though he embraces his little sister and is proud to be the big brother. He likes to play with her, teach her new things & there is no delight for him like making her giggle.
I have experience in this area since my step children are 4 years apart, now 16 and 20. I would have to agree with the first comment on this story – it may take years for them to ever completely accept each other. But they do love each other and that’s what counts.
Katie says:
While she was also completely over the moon at having a baby, it took about 3 weeks of my older daughter telling us to put the baby down in the corner and come back to see her (she was just under 2 at the time) before she realized that just wasn’t a viable option. We’ve got another one coming in the winter and my younger daughter (soon to be middle child) is NOT the nurturing baby-lover that her sister is, so this should be interesting…
ldoo says:
Tips I’ve heard include letting your older child “accidentally” hear you telling the baby how much everyone loves the older child. Like, over the baby monitor.
Also, include her without her even asking in helping – everything from fetching the wipes to “reading” a book to James to help soothe him.
And mostly, even though you may have some guilt when you see her act out during this adjustment phase, don’t change much of your old discipline – because she needs the former consistency really badly.
Being too easy on her would be confusing.
Also, I learned that even if the baby is crying, if he doesn’t really need anything at the moment, tend to the older child’s needs first. That will remind her that the baby is not more important.
She sounds like the type of kid who will very quickly move on from this phase. I bet in a few weeks it will all be normal to her.
cindy w says:
Ahhhhahahaha. Lucy is now two years old. When Catie adjusts, I’ll let you know.
Karen says:
I have also heard it is reassuring to the older child if you talk to the baby about her – when you go to help her say “James, I am going to go play with Annie for a little while and when I am done I will come back and hold you again.” – similar to things you might have to tell her while she is waiting for your help/attention.
I am sure that Annie will be just fine. My older brother is 3.5 years older than me and we are (now at 23 and 26) STILL best friends.
Jen says:
My older one never showed any resentment towards my younger one when she was born. She was very gentle and sweet with her (she was 26 months when she was born). But she was clearly angry towards my husband and I.
It took her about 3 months for her anger to subside. But we also don’t have any family nearby or any significant hands on support, so all she had besides the daycare staff were us, and I think she felt like she lost us. I bet that because Annie is older AND you have supportive family nearby, that she’ll adjust sooner rather than later.
Kristin says:
Life will never be exactly the way it was before sweet little James came along and that is good! With the help of her great parents, Annabel will be just fine. She will just have to get used to the “new normal”. Its a hard adjustment adding another child into the daily routine, but after a few weeks or months it will all be totally routine. Sounds like you are doing your part by talking to her and making sure she knows she can come to you with any concerns. It may not sink in at age three, but keep talking to her and she’ll always know that you are there for anything.
Betsy says:
Kids are all so different with this stuff. My boys are 3 years apart and my older son is only now getting to be OK with his little brother! It is nice that Annie loves James and wants to take care of him. Our oldest was the complete opposite– wnated nothing to do with his baby brother (or me for a while). Now, at 4.5, he is MUCH better at being a big bro (helping him do things, giving unwanted advice, teaching him about boogers and farts, etc.)
I do have one piece of advice– give Annie a break as much as possible (I’m sure you will, but I’m only telling you because this is something I didn’t do well and wish I had). When you are stressed out taking care of a new baby, it’s easy to expect too much of the older one and forget just how hard it is for them to process this much change when they don’t have adult coping skills. She WILL push your buttons, she WILL act out to get attention when she knows you are busy with the baby. And it might go on for a long time (in our case, almost 2 years!) but it will get better. And congratulations!
brandeanne says:
I only have one, but I just wanted to comment on the whole 3.5 yr old thing. Developmentally, 3.5 yr olds have VERY little impulse control. (My 6 yo is still working on his ) So, Annie can & will go from happy to frustrated to angry to needing comfort in the blink of an eye. All of this is very normal & as she gets used to the brother changes, she’ll get back to being able to regulate her emotions a tiny bit more.
Melissa says:
I got one piece of advice that I credit with my son’s easy transition. Mind you, he was only 21 months when his baby brother was born, so conversations were difficult to have. We were told that when the baby cries instead of getting up right away, instead say “just a minute baby, I’m playing with Liam” out loud. Obviously, this wasn’t for the baby’s benefit and it helped my little guy a lot. He would look at me with such happiness that at that moment he was the only thing that mattered. Sometimes it would be urgent and I needed to get up quickly, but waiting that extra 10 seconds to put Liam first helped so much! It’s been almost six months since Connor was born and we still do this several times a day. Now, Liam will even say “go get baby! Baby crying!”
Good luck!
Steph says:
What a great idea!
slightly peeved says:
My daughter was 2-1/2 when her brother was born. She seemed fine having him around for a few weeks. And then one day she said “When’s his real mommy coming to get him?”.
That comment became the joke phrase in our house all through their childhood (they are both adults now). My son even used it (always in jest).
Kirsten says:
I’m so nervous about this adjustment period as well…we are expected a baby in 6 weeks (probably earlier) and our son is 5 years old. In my head it’s all very dramatic as well, but I’m hoping I’m overthinking the whole thing. I personally feel like my brother took about 20 years to adjust to ME entering the world, hahaa!
Best of luck to you guys – I love reading about your journey and seeing the pictures…I feel like it’s helping me get prepared for what we are about to experience – however daunting it may be
Wedge says:
My older one was just over 4 when his baby sister arrived, and Annie’s reaction sounds a lot like his. The baby is almost 6 months old now, and I’m thankful to say that his reaction to her has only gotten better with time. Yes, there have been some bumpy spots, but it has all been in the form of him being clingy to his parents, and he has never taken it out on his sister. It goes in waves… he’ll be his normal independent self for a few days, and then glued to his father’s leg for a few days. (when he was little, him being a daddy’s boy was cute, but it’s much less cute and a lot more annoying when it’s a 42+ lb boy who won’t let unwrap himself from your leg while you are cooking dinner…)
We encourage him to be as involved as possible; he volunteers to pick up her toys when she throws them by accident, and he loves to be the first in the room when she wakes up from a nap and is crying for someone.
It sounds like you’re doing all the right things. As other said, it seems to be a continual adjustment, as they each grow at their own paces.
Congratulations!
Courtney says:
It sounds like Annie’s off to a great start! My younger son is 7 months old now, and we never really had a rough adjustment period with our 3-year-old, other than him just acting like a 3-year-old does. He’s just now started to act really interested in what baby brother does – now that baby brother is mobile!
I had to laugh at your comment about serious discussions quickly becoming about Wreck It, Ralph, because that’s exactly how things go in our house too!
Molly says:
I once babysat for a family who handled the new baby well I think, by basically focusing on the older child when necessary over the new baby. That sounds awful, but it makes sense–the baby’s needs are simpler, and the older child’s needs are more psychological and emotional. For example, if the older child took something that the baby had, the baby could care less, so we weren’t going to make the older child give it back. And I think having some tolerance for the inevitable regression (like you notice in the defiance, the need for attention, etc.), goes a long way. If the older child is feeling secure by the time the baby actually DOES care when someone takes his toys, then it’s a lot easier to teach sharing.
Christen says:
I think the hardest thing for my ODD was that she really expected a baby that she could PLAY with faster than my YDD could. She struggled with the holding and cooing, because she wanted to “show” her how to do everything.
Just wait until Annie tries to pick James up by herself for the first time! My ODD was concerned that the baby was crying (while, I tried to PEE- What was I thinking!!?) and pulled Catie by her legs to the edge of the bed and then grabbed her arms and was holding her up. She then used her body to pin Catie against the bed, so she could move her arms around Catie’s body rather than holding on to her arms. I hope that makes sense. Try to NOT scream at your 3 year old when you see your 3 month old in that position! SCARY! But she was trying… it’s a tough road!!!!!
Joleine says:
Our 3 year old is still adjusting to her baby sister. Her baby sister turned 1 on May 31st. *sigh*
debi says:
So happy that Annie is in love with her baby brother. I had 5 kids and all were 2-3 years apart. We always did as I am sure you are doing.. Including them as much as possible in the caring of the new one. And giving extra time for stories and such. Yes, like Annie mine all had little adjustments but nothing we worried about. I only had one friend who had problems bring home the new sibling. The older child was 6 when baby sister came home and she didn’t want anything to do with her. This went on for years. I think you and Mike are doing everything just right. Rock On!!!
Sandy says:
When my brother was born, I was 2 and the day they brought him home, I had to be taken to the hospital for a severe case of hives. Apparently the trauma of a new baby brother competing for attention was too much for me! We have always had a sibling rivalry from that day on. I got along very well with my second and third brothers, it was old hat then. When my sister came along, I discovered to my sisters dismay, a hidden talent for bossiness .As I was frequently left to babysit the younger children, I am sure I made their lives a living nightmare, although it did prepare me for the natural order giving which comes with a career in management. I think having siblings teaches you to learn sharing and relationship skills. Children adjust to having a sibling.
Jeanie says:
Hmmm, let’s see. My son will be 50 on the 26th and my daughter turned 45 on the 6th. They’re still adjusting.
Those pictures are adorable.
Wallydraigle says:
My kids are only 16 months apart, so the adjustment period was pretty short. Our older daughter acclimated pretty quickly (with her, it was also attention-seeking behavior; she LOVED her sister and took all her frustrations out on us). I think one thing that helped is that to the greatest extent possible, we tried to exaggerate those times when she took priority over the baby. Babies are so NEEDY; there are so many things and so much attention that they need all.of.the.time.
So the few times that the baby could wait (for instance, she wakes up from a nap and starts fussing), I would say loudly, “Just a minute, Emmy, I’m busy reading to Grace! It’s Grace’s turn!” and then I would take just a little extra time wrapping up what I was doing before getting to the baby. It was only a minute or two, but it seemed to really affect Grace in a good way. I think it helped her realize that she was still just as important, even if it wasn’t possible for us to give as much attention as before.
paola says:
I had my son James when Connor was 3yrs and 10months. He litterally was incredible and I could not believe how he truly was ok with brother being around. He definitely acted like annie in wanting someone to play with him and just being sensitive it really didnt change…even his teachers at school said he handled it so well. I think now after a year and a half he is having the hardest time…brother is into all his toys and basically wants to be him. I was given a great book “the rules of little brothers” and when he has had enough of his little brother i remind him about the book. I also constantly tell stories about when he was a baby…he loves it. BTW love the name JAMES! and thank you both for sharing your life with us. We have learned so much and truly are blessed by your blot.
Auntie_M says:
Let’s see, I’m about 6 years older than my little brother (imagine that, being an only child for almost 6 years and then having a sibling! It’s kind of like always being an only child–but with siblings. Hard to explain!)and I am now almost 43 and he is 37 and our little sister is 35. I think we are all used to each other now.
I remember being like Annie when each of my siblings were born: thrilled!!! (Although when my brother started crawling I did ask out loud why they hadn’t just bought me a puppy instead of a brother…but I digress.) I loved holding the babies, cuddling them, taking care of them, changing diapers, even being awakened at night by crying wasn’t that big of a deal…I loved it!
And because I was the big sister, I always knew what was best for them: I knew even more than, say, our grandparents (“Here, Grandma, I should hold his hand now–you might not know how to cross the street right!”) or parents, because I WAS THE BIG SISTER!!! I can totally see Annie being like this! What fun it will be to watch.
But yes, Annie will still need reassurance that she’s still your girl and that you need her just as much as you need James (my little brother’s name!)…we big sisters just need some encouragement on a daily basis!
Norma says:
Wait…it’s been a week already?? Clearly she adores him. My niece and nephew are exactly the same age apart as your kids. They are best buddies and have been since the day Matt was born (and they are 21 and 18 now).
Tracy says:
I’ll bet James would love to sit and “watch” Annie play. That’s how we got mine to start playing by himself again. Everything he did, we’d remark how the baby really enjoyed watching how he did that. Or when he did “big kid” things, we’d say how much the baby wishes she could do this or that big kid thing. Made him feel proud of being independent.
casie c. says:
A solid month for my son. He was 3 yrs 10 mos when his baby brother was born. It was a tough month, but really the first few months were kinda tricky for everyone–adults included! It’s SO hard and then all of a sudden it’s a little easier and then it’s been 6 months and things are good, then you can’t BELIEVE he’s a year old! Just keep loving them both and things will fall into place. We did plan a few special outings without baby that seemed to help tremendously.
Paula says:
You and Heather are great parents and Annie knows that. I loved the idea about making her a card that she can present to you or/and Heather so that maybe she can have some quiet one on one time with the two of you.
The whole “not playing alone” could be a few things. She was separated while you all were delivering James and at the hospital. She may also see that James is with you all more than her so she wants to make sure that when she’s in the other room that you won’t forget about her. (That’s toddler logic.) It also could be that she’s feeling left out. It’s not because you’re leaving her out it’s how she feels. Maybe it’s time for an Annie Spohr TV video talking about James, how fun he is, and then talk about her. Ask her questions about being a big sister, how it feels when she’s playing by herself, etc. Then she gets attention, one on one, and gets to be in front of the camera. Be patient. I’m still waiting for my oldest to adjust to his middle brother and he will be 24 this year.
Kathy V. says:
I heard a really good suggestion recently.When there comes a time that you’re playing with/helping Annie and James starts to fuss, gently say, “Just a minute, James. I’ll be there soon. Right now I’m helping your big sister.” It gives her reassurance that her needs are as important as his.
Paola says:
My son and my daughter are 5 years apart. Everyone told me he would resent her and not like her. It was the complete opposite. He loves her and since she was a baby would try to play with her non stop. She’s now a year and a half and I see their bond getting stronger. It took him about 6 months to adjust to her because that was around the time that she actually began joining him in play. Each kid is different, but Annie seems to love him already so it is only a matter of time before she gets used to him being around.
Meg says:
Personally, around the 8 week mark things started getting better, partially because *I* started feeling better and so was less short with my daughter and more focused on her. It’s hard when I’m feeling exasperated with everything at all times.