When Annie is older I want her to say no to drugs. I want her to say no to strangers who offer her candy, no to boys who only have one thing on their mind, and no to emails from Nigerians promising her riches if she’ll help them out of a bind.
I want her to say no to telemarketers asking if they could speak to her father, no to texting and driving, and no to the girl at her high school who says, “OMG! Your parents are out of town? You need to throw a party!”
“No” is going to be a very valuable word in Annie’s vocabulary during her lifetime, and I hope to raise her in a such a manner that she is unafraid to use it when she needs to.
But right now? Girlfriend needs to STOP. FREAKING. SAYING. IT.
“Annie, can I hold your hand?”
“No!”
“Do you want some fruit?”
“No!”
“Time to change your diaper, Annabel.”
“No, no, no!”
Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!
It is so frustrating to hear her say that one word over and over. I realize she doesn’t exactly have Shakespeare’s vocabulary, but she does know, like, nine or ten other words. Can’t she throw in “doggie,” “hi,” or “night-night” here and there during her no-apalooza?
Last night I decided to use situation to my advantage, so I sat her down and had an important chat with her.
“Tell me, Annie. Do you think there is ever a time when you should talk back to an adult?”
“No!”
“If you want a toy and Mommy or I say you can’t get it, will you make a scene over it?”
“No!”
“I didn’t think you would. Are you ever going to get a tattoo on your lower back?”
“No!”
“Date a guy who rides a motorcycle?”
“No!”
“How about one who speaks about himself in the third person?”
“No!”
“Lie to your parents?”
“No!”
“Skip school?”
“No!”
Very good, Annie. Lastly, do you accept that daddy is always right? Say no if you do.”
“No!”
I filmed the whole thing on my iPhone so she totally can’t say it didn’t happen when she’s a teenager.
All kidding aside, it is driving me a little nuts. I realize that many toddlers go through a phase where they become rather fond of the word “no.” They are getting a sense of their own independence, and saying “no” makes them feel like they are in control of things a bit. That doesn’t change the fact I hate hearing my little munchkin say it though.
Someone told Heather and me that we should say “stop” instead of “no” when we want Annie to stop doing something she shouldn’t, and we have started doing that. Unfortunately, we can’t go back in time and unsay all of the “no’s” from before that got us here.
Any suggestions on how to deal with this? The sad part is she doesn’t even know how to say “yes” yet.
NoL says:
Mike- thanks for a laugh at the “holding her to it when she’s a teen-ager” bit. Any luck on binary choices? (Do you want banana or apple?) Thissoonwillpass.
Lissa says:
PLEASE tell me that this will be this Friday’s Annie video. I think we would all just be rolling on the floor watching that. Please????
Betsy says:
We’ve started explaining to our 2yo that he’s allowed to say “No” when we give him a choice, but not if we tell him to do something. Like, “Did you want milk with your breakfast?’ can be answered with “No!” but, “Let’s go change your diaper” cannot. He’s also not allowed to yell it at us. He’s slowly getting it, but it’s taking a lot of repetition!
Jen Bouren says:
I had to leave a comment on this because we are going through the same exact thing with our 22 month old. My goodness I never thought I could detest the word “No” so much! We think it is hilarious when we ask him something that we know he loves like “Do you want to watch Mickey Mouse?” and he says “NOOO….(pause, figures out the actual question then) “YEAHHHH!!!!!” LOL! I hadn’t thought of the “Stop” thing though. It is worth a shot even though I agree the damage may already be done.
Sarah says:
I have a little boy, Graham, who is about a month older than Annie. A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about his recent habit of saying yes to everything (http://entomama.com/2011/06/08/es/).
Be careful what you wish for!
Babbalou says:
Ha! Good memories of my oldest when he was two. I woke up one morning and could hear him from down the hall, where he was standing up in his crib just shouting, “no! no! no!” Just getting ready for his day, practicing his “no’s”. Despite the tiresomeness of all the no’s, I have to say two was one of my favorite ages – there’s something really brave about a child who depends on you for absolutely everything staring you down and shouting “no” at you . And of course it will pass. I usually tried to create a diversion of interest to shift the focus but didn’t otherwise try to do anything about it. When the same attitude returns during the teen years, the far greater vocabulary doesn’t seem to make the attitude easier to take, at least in my opinion. And uh, Mike, you might want to reconsider the idea of leaving her home alone when she’s a teenager. I know some people do that without problems, but we used to say to each other, “we can go away for two days and leave the boys home alone, what’s the worst that could happen?” and then we’d collapse laughing.
Angel says:
Becareful, we say “stop” and when my feisty daughter says it back to us with that feirce tone, it sounds like “SHUP!”, which people think is “shut-up”. We also say “no ma’am!” and it’s repeated as, “NO MAN MOMMY!” That one makes me laugh, which pisses her off even more.
Rebecca says:
When my daughter was that age she would cross her arms and yell “I don’t want”. Except it all melted together and sounded like iownuht. So stinking cute. She hardly ever said no…..but did say I don’t want soo…….
Also………train her like a puppy. Anytime she says yes, give her chocolate.
Ann says:
Thank you so much for a good belly laugh to start off my day! I have a 4 year old and an almost 2 year old and this is spot on. Since I dislike the word “no” so much I taught my oldest to say “no, thank you”. She actually caught on pretty well at a young age. But the youngest, it is like she knows how much it aggrivates me and she says that word WAY too much; even her sister corrects her. Good Luck! And thanks again for the laugh.
Kristian says:
I have no advice for you, but I had to laugh at this story as I just went through it not long ago and it will pass. I started saying to my toddler son, “do you want this, say yes or no” and his reply was “yes or no”. Now he is almost 3 and says “sure” and “alwight” which is so adorable.
Michelle says:
I wish I could tell you that it gets better. My son is now two and he still responds to most questions with “no” even when he really wants to say “yes.” Like “Jack, would you like a cookie?” “No!” and then he reaches his little grubby hand out to take it! He is a hot mess sometimes! He now has well over 100 words that he says on a regular basis, but no is by far the most used word in our house!
Julia West says:
Just wait till the WHY’s??? start! I would take no to everything anyday!!
lisak says:
The stop thing will totally backfire on you when they are tweens and teens. My 12 and 14 yo sons say it to me when they don’t want to hear something or do something I’ve asked them to do. Really hate that word….
Erica says:
When dealing with children (and toddler’s especially) I find that when in doubt on any aspect of how to care for them just think of how you would treat the situation if you were dealing with your pet, a drunk, or the elderly. Chances are the answer the will come to you.
cindy w says:
I totally did this to Catie when she was in the “no” stage.
“Would you like a fruity cocktail with vodka in it?”
“NO!”
“Good girl.”
Dianne says:
We started saying “no thank you” instead of no, and eventually our son would say “no thank you” to everything!
Penbleth says:
No. Saying “stop” is probably a good idea, not reacting when she says “no” because kids often stop doing things when they no longer get a reaction and filming your conversation was a master stroke. Other than that, no advice, this too will pass.
momttorney says:
Something we’ve been told, and that we STILL struggle with, is to not frame the “not optional” things as questions. Like last night, my husband asked Sammie B, “do you want macaroni and cheese for dinner?” She said “no,” so then he has to say, “okay well you are having it anyway,” and feel like (and sound like) a big meanie. He should have just said, “I’m making you macaroni and cheese for dinner.” Same goes for things like, “can I brush your teeth?” etc., We do those things when they are little and non-verbal and it helps teach them as we narrate what we are doing, but once they have that “no” in their arsenal, we get stuck in the “oh well, it really wasn’t a question,” thing.
The other good news is that it does pass. Sammie B doesn’t say “no” to EVERYTHING like she did when she first learned that word, she uses it appropriately . . . (though still too often!) . . . with some “yeahs” thrown in too!
Our biggest challenge now is not presenting the not-optional things as choices!
Sarah says:
I always tried to avoid yes/no questions when my kids were little. I would give choices instead like “do you want an apple or a banana?” I don’t know if that helps, part of it is just the age. She probably enjoys the reaction she gets from you.
Darcie says:
Kids telling their parents no was a pet peeve of mine before we were even planning to have kids…so now that my wee little angel is a mobile, into everything, hair pulling monster – we are doing our damnedest to avoid NO! We use things like “Loren, that’s not for babies”…it looks like tt sounds pleasant but when said in the stern Mama voice her little lip begins to quiver and her world ends for 2.3 seconds!
We do reserve NO and STOP for emergency situation (I swear we learned it when we were doing training with our dog)…LOREN STOP…That outlet is NOT FOR BABIES…
LOL
Christina says:
You’ve got to stop the “no’s.” Start telling her “don’t do x” and “stop doing x” or “put x down,” etc. Patience, patience. You can fix it!
Kodie says:
You know what’s worse? When your 1 1/2 year old nephew (who you only see every month) raises his eyebrows and shakes his head no when you ask for a hug or kiss. The kid gives me a look like, “Hell to the no lady!” It’s adorable but breaks my heart at the same time (he does it sometimes for other people but mostly to his favorite Aunt. In fact, he started this with me (and only me) when he was about 9 or 10 months old.
Kodie says:
And I meant who you only see ONCE a month.
Meg @ Soup Is Not A Finger Food says:
Yeah, it’s cute when they’re little, but when they’re 15 and 13 and you still hear the defiant “no” from them? Not nearly as endearing. I’m told this, too, shall pass, but it’s been a long haul over here.
Betsy says:
“Stop” is just as annoying to hear, FYI. We tried to curb our “no” by saying “stop”. But now our two-year old just says that as well. When he is protesting, he’ll say, “STOP doing that!” Sigh.
Mommy says:
I wish I had some words of wisdom here, but my 2.5 year old STILL has a case of the “no’s”. He says a million other things, but LOVES to tell us no. I really think it is a control thing. This little people are at our mercy for every thing in their lives, so maybe they just want to protest sometimes. Who knows. It does get a little old, and “STOP” is a good alternative. We also use “FREEZE” when he needs to stop immediately (as in he is about to run into the street, etc.) and that works well.
To curb *some* of the no’s, we turned it into a game to get it out of his system. Like when getting him dressed, we would put his shoe on his ear and say, “This is where your shoe goes, right?” and he would respond, “Nooooo!” and laugh his head off. We would do this over and over until we found the right place and he would gleefully shout YES!
Have you tried reading “The Happiest Toddler on the Block”? It is seriously the best book ever and deals with how to stop annoying habits like these. (It’s also available on DVD).
Good luck, Spohrs!!!
Amy says:
I just counter it with yes a lot. “Want to put your shoes on?” “NO!” “Yes shoes! Yes, yes, yes…”
Then we all end up giggling.
Stephanie Parnell says:
We have said both “no” and “stop” to Autumn (20 mos) from the beginning, so we get a mix of no and stop, lol. So just be prepared for her to say both. Hey, at least it’s a mix and not just all no
Lynnette says:
We used “No thank you” from the beginning with our oldest and her first words to me were literally “De De Do” (no thank you) at 8 months. Gotta love it. No real advice from me, sorry.
Jessica says:
I had a friend who thought she could keep her daughter from saying no by using other words. It didn’t work! It passes, eventually! They learn so many other things to say.
Jen says:
I always snapped my fingers and said “excuse me sir” or their full name in that mean old mommy voice to my kids. Sounds silly but it stopped the behavior and I never had to hear no or stop yelled at me. Even now as preteens it works (when it doesn’t the threat of doing laundry does the trick).
Glenda says:
This will pass. When her vocabulary takes off… you’d wish “no” was all she ever said lol
I always said no,no,no to the kids… and the phased passed.
Have fun with it lol
Nicole says:
I have a 17 month old girl who just recently started the exact same thing. She says NO to everything…even when it is something we know she likes or wants. I have been trying very hard to teach her “please” and “yes”…which I know she has the capacity to say, because I have heard her repeat me before, but girlfriend refuses to comply. NO NO NO
Claudia says:
There are so many variations to ‘No’.. my 2 1/2 says ‘I don’t want to’ all.the.time. I have heard from other parents who’s kids say ‘I can’t’ instead…
Good luck finding a solution…
Kris says:
I’m a speech pathologist working with birth-3 population. I always tell the parents I work with to avoid yes/no questions as much as possible & instead present choices. Instead of asking “do you need a new diaper?”, state “you need a new diaper-do you want Princess or Elmo?” (Or whatever it is)-it gives the kiddos some feeling of control while still getting done what needs to happen. You can use this strategy for almost all situations. Good luck!
Joleine says:
We have always said “no” and “stop” with about equal use.. and Morgan (who I think is just a couple of weeks younger than Annie) says both .. all the time.. Only “stop” comes out like “stooooooooooopppppp” and it’s whiney and obnoxious. Her “no” is sorta cute, it sound like “doh”
I just try to answer back with “yes” and hope she picks that one up too.. I hope.
Karen says:
When she was a toddler my little sister used to pronounce it, “No-wuh!” Of course when she was being obstinate (umm, ‘asserting her independence;-) we sometimes could not help but giggle at her and repeat, “Noah? Noah?” back to her. Sometimes a pissed off toddler is pretty amusing
Fiona says:
I say STOP! a lot, insead of no….now when she is being a tinker, my daughter says STOP! to herself, which makes me feel kind of bad….guess whatever you say, they’ll repeat it.
Val says:
Oh so true they repeat it–
A lot of times I ask them not to do something like scream in the car or jump on the sofa saying, “That’s making me very nervous.”
It’s a useful, multi-purpose request.
Then when I’d ask them to pick up toys or put on pajamas, I’d hear, “Muffer, you’re making me very ner-bis.”
Really? Moi?
love, Val
Janelle says:
Ha! That made my day. Not just because it was funny – but because “No!” was my daughter’s first word. I was her default response when spoken to. You’d have to ask her questions twice. Once for her to say no to, and once for her to actually answer. She actually called water “no no” for almost a year. I’m smiling just thinking of it…
Chantel says:
Unfortunately, I have no advice on how to unravel the situation, but I do have suggestions that may help from here on out. My siblings are more than a decade younger than me, so I had the opportunity to learn from my mother’s follies. Instead of “yes” and “no”, we made it situationally appropriate. When my children misbehave, we say “That is not appropriate.” or “Stop that right now!” or even “Absolutely not!” When little hands got into things they had no business being in, we said “That is not for playing with. Bring it to me/Put it back where you found it.” Talking back was quickly interrupted with “That is not how you speak to an adult. Let’s try that again. What would you like to ask me/talk about?”
It may seem like overkill, but I’m just doing what I feel will work best for us. Floundering at times, just like everyone else, but I think I’ve found the right balance of getting my wishes across while also giving my children skills that they’ll need when negotiating situations or conversations in the future. That’s not to say that we never said “No, ma’am/sir.” when the situation called for it (Bike riding after dark? I don’t think so!), but that happened a little later in life.
Rebecca says:
Repetition. Say what you want her to say and, eventually, she’ll get it.
My niece is three and her favorite sayings are things like “Can I have this? Yes or no?” and “Hmm, let me think. No.” while tapping her cheek with a finger. Earlier I asked if she wanted my lemonade and she said “Fine…” with a heavy sigh. It’s so much fun.
Dee Dee says:
Didn’t get a chance to read all the responses since my a/c isn’t working which is making my brain not work in 110 degree weather but the best solution to getting her to stop saying “no” to everything is for you and Heather to start telling her “yes” to everything
nona says:
I wonder if Annie will go through the “okay” phase I’ve witnessed some toddlers doing around 22 months. It goes like this:
Toddler says something. For this example, let’s say the toddler says a word that sounds like “candy.”
Adult repeats and expands on what the kid said, to try and interpret. i.e. “You want some candy?”
Toddler says “Okay!” But you weren’t actually asking them if they wanted the candy, you were asking them if that is what they SAID.
Jennie B says:
My Anabelle run around the house singing “no.” She’ll practice new and interesting ways of saying it. And she’s 2. She can say yes.
She just chooses not to. UGH.
Val says:
My daughter was so infatuated with the word no, that she’d say it even when she meant yes.
“Heidi, do you want a cooky?”
“No!”
It was all in the tone. I told my dad she really means yes.
True story.
Heidi is now 26, a married woman with a baby of her own, and she did also know enough to say no to drugs, and all that other bad stuff you listed, lol.
life is good, contrary babies and all. love, Val
Tauni says:
My view on saying stop instead of no…you then have a 2 year old going around saying stop! It’s a frustrating stage but cherish and love the 2 year old “no” cause at least it is cute. I can guarantee hearing the 6 or 8 or 12 year old no is not cute at all!
One thing that might help is when she is allowed something actually verbalize it…such as “yes mommy will hold you” or “yes daddy will get a cookie”. Seemed to help a little when my kids were little because they heard the verbal “happy” words
Mindy says:
My 18 month old daughter says “no” as well. She now says a lot of words, so “no” isn’t the primary word she says. However, she doesn’t understand “yes” yet either. If you ask her if she would like a banana she will say “no” while holding out her hand. I always get a little chuckle out of it and I correct and say, “You mean YES” and then ask her to say yes before give her the banana. It will pass and one day you will think to yourself… wow, I haven’t heard Annie say “no” in a while.
Annalien says:
I have a little girl just about exacly Annie’s age. She doesn’t say the word no, but on every question you ask she shakes her head in the negative and say “uh-uh”. But I have come to the conclusion that she does not actually know what it means, because she also says “uh-uh” for things she actually wants. For instance at night if I see she is tired and I ask whether she wants to go to bed she answers in the negative, but then walk to her room and try to get in her cot!
I have tried to teach her to say yes and shake her head in the positive and it is quite hilarious, because she shakes herself off balance when shaking her head in the positive.
Hang in there, this too shall pass in a shorter time than you might wish.