From time to time I get Evites from my friends that make me laugh out loud when I open them. That’s because they say ridiculous things like “Come to my birthday party this Wednesday night!” or “Party starts at 10:00 p.m.” Now depending on whether you have kids or not you are either laughing with me or wondering, “What’s the problem?” That’s because once you become a parent you see the world very differently than your child-free friends.
When Heather and I first became parents we tried to continue living like our child-free friends. We did our best to at least make an “appearance” at the parties in the middle of the week (or night), and we even took Maddie to our local bar once for Happy Hour:
“You have a baby. In a bar.”
It wasn’t long though before we stopped doing that. Not only does it take a LOT of planning for parents to attend a party of the child-free variety, but it is no fun at all to have to get up with the baby in the middle of the night after staying out late. Within a few months Heather and I had fully transitioned into your typical couple with a kid, and we were fine with that, but many of our childless friends weren’t.
Our friends certainly weren’t alone in feeling this way – many childless people don’t know how to relate to parents. I’ve even heard them jokingly refer to parents as “scary breeders.” The jokes don’t stop there though. Stand up comedians do a lot of material about how parents no longer talk about anything but their kids, or how they pester their childless friends to come and see the baby. “When you gonna see the baby? You gotta see the baby!”
Some parents do their best to stay the same party people they were before kids, but to me that just comes off as sad. A guy (or gal) with a baby, in my opinion, shouldn’t regularly be out at the bars yucking it up with his or her childless friends in the middle of the week. I’m not saying you can’t have fun once you have kids, just not the same exact kind of fun you had before kids.
The thing is, even though I’m not exactly the same guy I was before Maddie and Annie, that doesn’t mean I don’t want to still see my old buddies. I do. I’m just not exactly sure how to do it now that our lives are so different.
Anthony from CharismaticKid says:
Haahhaa I was cracking up at that picture of your husband. And then I cracked up more of the little quote below it.. You have a baby… in a bar. HAHA! Love your blog!
Monika says:
Your word in God’s ear!
I had a baby five months ago and (as naive as I was) would have NEVER expected my friends to act so “cold”. As soon as I fell pregnant I had the feeling I just wasn’t fun enough anymore and all of them kinda avoided me. A year later, it’s still the case, I still get weird looks and “it’s your own fault” (what exactly is my own fault? having chosen to enjoy a wonderful miracle growing up in front of my eyes? hmm) if I have to tell people I will not be able to attend their parties in the middle of the week or stay until the morning because I feel that my baby is still too young for a babysitter and/or my husband has to work that night.
To be honest, I’m proud to be a “scary breeder”!
PS: A big HI from Germany.
Tracy says:
Wait until they have kids. That’s pretty much all you can do.
Sherry says:
Love that picture, and it looked like she didn’t give a HOOT where she was, as long as she had access to food! I’m right there with you about being a home-body now that we have kids, I know some of my child-less friends have words to say behind our backs but we don’t care. They’ve even stopped asking us to do things for the most part and that’s ok, we’d rather take the kids to the park, eat dinner and put them to bed than go out to a restaurant with them AND with a bunch of adults then stay for drinks….ugh, give me the chills even thinking of doing that. I’m rambling now, so I’ll stop, but thanks for posting this. Now I know we’re not the only ones who have totally changed the way we do things!
Kelly says:
I don’t have kids. I don’t mind if other people have kids, but I get annoyed when my friends with kids express that my schedule/life/party plans should be in any way altered because they gave birth. I think that’s where the “scary breeders” term comes from. It seems like many people in my life who have children think everyone around them should be as in love with their kid as they are, and should be jumping to accomodate the child situation 24/7. This is also true in the workplace.
Rachel says:
Thank you. I’m battling infertilty, and while I would love kids, I don’t have them yet, and I still am able to go out. But at the same time, I hate the fact that my friends/families with kids imply that my life is soooooooooooo much easier because I don’t have them. I still have 2 jobs, a dog, a marriage, a house to run, a gym to go to…maybe not a baby to feed, but it doesn’t make my life any less important.
Darah says:
You’re absolutely right…your life isn’t any less important. But I would bet you any amount of money that when you have kids (and I truly hope you are blessed with them) that you will look back at your life and realize that your friends were right. Being an adult, with all the baggage, is soooo much easier than being an adult with all the baggage and trying to raise children. We’ve all been where you are now. You have not been where we are. It is ludicrously hard to be a parent (once, twice, three times over) day in and day out with jobs, marriages, bills, housecleaning, gym, pets, and friends. I absolutely mean no disrespect, but it is impossible to convey just how much being a parent changes your time and how difficult it truly is. Best of luck~
Jewl says:
oh thank you dara!! she doesn’t have a clue. you certainly said it a lot nicer than me, but geesh Rachael, wish I had time for the gym!!! I am, in fact, taking 2 children with me to zumba in a few hours PRAYING that the DVD player will keep them entertained long enough that I can do HALF a Class! then come home, get them dinner, baths, bedtime stories, teeth, hair brushing. Then I have to do some laundry and dishes AND WORK for 3 more HOURS before I can put together some resources for a RESEARCH PAPER…. then, I might see my pillow. Rachael, you have it rough girl! Oh, and they’ll be crawling over my husband and I at 630 in the morning with not a “good morning” but rather “whats there to eat mom?” for another LONG day. I would not trade ONE SECOND of all of that, just sayin!
No parties for us this week! (and we don’t mind)
Janeen says:
Wow, Racheal was just stating that her life is not less important due to not having a child…..no need to jump down her throat and degrade her. not necessary at all. I think everyone gets the fact that life with kids is hard, that is why some people wait longer to have them.
Julie says:
gross
Val says:
Wow. What an incredibly condescending response. It’s THIS sort of comment that makes the kid-free avoid the “scary breeders”. “You don’t have a clue!” Seriously?
A Little Coffee says:
Jewl, you sound remarkably jealous.
Jamie says:
Ha! “Sorry I can’t make it to your party Friday night. But why don’t you meet up with us Saturday morning…at SEVEN AM…at the PARK? Too early? Agh! You’re so lame with all of your sleeping in. Gosh!”
Casey says:
We moved to a new city 7 years ago for a job…only made 2 friends, who then moved right before I got pregnant. I was pregant and friendless- sucks! Now my co-workers hang out after work all the time, and I’m all “gotta get home to pick up the kiddo from day care.” It’s definitely different – and it’s great to have friends who also have a child the same age as yours – instant connection! But so hard to do b/c you’re so busy form working and raising your child…*sigh*
Amber says:
My favorite line from a movie EVER!
And I think my husband I and I were clearly very lame prekid because nothing has changed in that department
We didn’t go out during the week before and don’t really now. To make it even worse we are trying to figure out how we will survive once she starts doing weeknight stuff like soccer practice.
Susan says:
I don’t have kids, but most of my friends do. So, once a month we get together for dinner (generally kid-free) and we laugh and talk like we did before they had kids. I get to see my friends sans kids and they get to hang out with the non-breeders in the bunch. It all works out.
I have to say, though – I’ve never understood those parents who say their lives won’t change when they have kids and then they try to maintain their kid-free lifestyle. What’s the point of having children if they’re just an accessory? I wish we were giving up our kid-free weekends for early Saturday soccer or endless birthday parties.
Karen says:
Kelly,
Wait until you do have kids or until you have an elderly parent. We don’t expect people to make accomodations for us but for us to be included in anything, yes, even a 40 hour work week, we have to give up something else. That is all we are asking for…some understanding.
There are only so many hours in a day as they say.
My brother and his wife are childless and want to keep it that way. When they complain about “how busy”their lives are…my other sibling and I lock eyes and smile. They are busy with vacations and sports leagues. We are busy for the next 18 or so years – 24 hours a day. They can quit their activities whenever they want to. We can not…
But yes, we made the choice and love it.
So, we are all busy but it makes us smile when they complain because they really have no idea.
Maybe that is what frustrates those who are childless…you see us running around in minivans and don’t know why we would choose that. You see us hosting ridiculous parties and poke fun…
but until you are in the rain with a broken stroller, cramming it into your sedan or watching your child’s pure joy over a party or gift…you just don’t have any idea.
Just like I have no idea what could make me laugh before my sons arrived in our lives. It is truly a magic like nothing else.
Kelly says:
I do actually have elderly parents with medical issues. And I have no problem making occasional accomodations for someone. Someone upthread mentioned getting up at 7 AM to meet someone at the park to play. I’ve done that.
Here’s the deal from someone who has no kids. I like your kid. I’m totally willing to let you bring them to the restaurant, and I’ll hang out and play with them. I like kids in general. But, when I reschedule my party to 2 PM on a Saturday so my kid-toting friends can make it, half of them cancel anyway because the child gets sick, didn’t sleep, or whatever. On top of that, when I mention that I slept in til 9, I get a very snotty “must be nice”. And if they do attend, they leave after an hour because they generally have something else they needed to do, even if I scheduled the party a month ahead of time.
And as you mentioned, if I say my life is busy, I get eye rolls from my kid-toting friends. Which doesn’t really make me more eager to change all my plans to include them in future activities. No one likes to be mocked or patronized just because they don’t have a child. And many of my child-toting friends who are so busy-busy have over-scheduled their children to the point of exhaustion. As a kid, I never had an actitivty after school every single day of the week.
Eric says:
“As a kid, I never had an actitivty after school every single day of the week.”
Well said, Kelly. As the father of a 5-yo, I agree that kids are over-programmed and over-scheduled today.
Lisa says:
Favorite line from one of my fave movies ever!
Melissa says:
Karen,
That’s great for you. Really. But some of us aren’t blessed with a partner in life and therefore aren’t able to join in on the “magic” of parenthood.
I want nothing more in life than to be married to someone I love, with a child or two. But, I haven’t found that person yet. And I don’t want to be a single parent, so that’s not an option for me.
So, good for you that your life is so truly magical. But maybe our lives are busy too, because we DON’T have anything to compare it to, and maybe sometimes it hurts to hear about how wonderful and magical it is to have children, because we DON’T or CAN’T. And so sometimes we want to talk about other stuff and do other stuff.
Rant over.
Mike I really love that picture of you and Maddie! And ps…I am single and childless and LAUGH at my friends when they start their parties at 10pm or even go to Happy Hour. No thank you! I’d much rather be at home on my couch in my pjs
Katherine says:
Sounds like everybody needs to try to be a little more understanding of everybody else! We all get busier as we get older, whether or not we have kids. The kids won’t be kids forever and eventually they’ll go on to do their own stuff. Hopefully everybody’s friendships can survive those intense years!
Lacey says:
Mike – Two words for you. Guys Weekend. No, you won’t hang with your kid-less friends every week, but getting away from things to devote a block of time to your friends is important for your friendships, your mental health, and your friends.
And, to everyone else, if you are truly friends, you should embrace the idiosyncracies of your friends who do and don’t have kids, whether you do or don’t (any of which may be by choice or not). If you feel that the life choices of a friend are a repeated inconvenience, then you’re not being a very a good friend.
Mary says:
I have two children. Many of my friends have children. A few are childless (by choice, usually). None of this has ever been a problem. Maybe I’m an exception. But I think part of it is the way I’ve chosen to live my life as a parent.
First, I have the attitude that having or not having children is a personal choice to be respected as such. So I don’t foist my kids on my friends who would rather I not do so. And I try to make sure my kids aren’t my only topic of conversation (that does get tiresome).
Second, I have certain days and times that I have carved out just for kid-free time. This is usually Thursdays after work (I can drag a bit on Friday, though I’m seldom out that late) and Sundays. My friends know this, and they know I will try to make myself available at other times, but there are no guarantees. I would never dream of asking a childless friend to change a party date/time because of me or my children, anymore than they would ask the same of me because of a business trip or doctor visit.
Of course, and I’m not knocking those who do this, I didn’t and do not center my life around my children. They are a very important, special part of my life, but I have other interests and things going on. Why? Because they are growing up and moving on now. If they were the center of my universe, I would have to find a new center. That’s not easy to do.
Instead, I’ve kept a wide range of friends and interests that I can share with my children, but also enjoy without them. I’ve encouraged the same in them.
I do agree that this is a situation that requires mutual understanding and respect between friends, both with and without children.
And yes, childless people may be able to quit some of the activities that keep them busy in a way we can’t quit being parents. But that does not make those activities less important or less valid. And I think it’s wrong to assume so.
/soapbox
Mike, I appreciate the many interesting and enlightening conversations you start here.
Trisha says:
I agree that you need some guy time every once in a while away from the kids. My husband takes a weekend day about once a month to do a fishing getaway or go to a buddys house to watch a pay per view match or jsut go out to shoot pool and throw darts. I do the same about once a month with all my girlfriends.
We have some couples in our lives who are parents, some who are going to be soon, some who aren’t and some who have grandchildren. We find the balance in conversation to talk a little about the kids but also include work, politics, TV stuff, sports, etc so there’s balance for those without kids. It seems to work. We usually do this on a Friday night after work or a Saturday.
We don’t do much during the week but neither to our friends without kids. I guess as we’ve gotten older we just can’t hang with having to get up early for work the next day, but neither can they, so it’s a win-win.
Hopefully you can find the right balance and enjoy some guy time. and hopefully your friends without kids can understand that you want to talke about them occasionally in conversation. One day, they will totally get it and maybe even appreciate the stories you’ve shared through the years.
Lynn says:
Here’s what happens: when your kids start school, you make a lot of new friends with kids the same age (hoorah) and then something starts happening called “mom’s night out.” It may take the form of bunco or book club or just straight-up going to a bar. But it always involves wine. Of course, it means that dad is home with the kids, and in the long run moms get a lot more “out” time. There was a half-hearted attempt by some dads in our neighborhood to start a dad’s club or a bowling night, but at this point the balance is tipping way toward the moms.
Jenn says:
I agree Mike!!! There was a time on Christmas Eve, all of our friends would all visit each others home. It was fun….when we were childless. Once we had our miracle baby, I found myself not wanting to take him out in -35 weather when the roads were icy and the wind was unforgiven. It was amazing how much solice we got tucking our son into his warm crib, listening to the wind instead of being IN the wind. I explained to my friends, although we missed them, we really wanted and needed to know our baby was safe in his bed. At the time, most did not get it until they had their own babies and then all of a sudden…ALL THE RULES CHANGED!!!! Life is funny like that….isn’t t??
Chelle says:
The biggest thing for me as a childless person is that I feel like those with children use them to validate their lives. Like something is WRONG with me for not having them. 3 times in the last week I had people say things like “Don’t you WANT kids?” and “In high school I thought you’d be the one with all of the kids…don’t you want to have ANY anymore?” It is frustrating to me because I do want to have kids, but my husband and I have not chosen to start yet. I am 29 – it’s not like I’m nearing 40. I have 7 friends with children. Of these 7 couples, 2 have separated, 1 has gotten divorced, and 1 is in counselling, and most of their disagreements were based because they had children too soon, had money problems, or didn’t have a strong base in their marriage to build on. I do not want to be one of those people. I am making my choices to wait until I am ready and I do not want to feel like something is wrong with me for doing so.
I think that is what people are saying. Be comfortable for the choices you’ve made in life and stick to your convictions. Don’t make others feel guilty or like something is wrong with them if they don’t choose the same life you have.
I feel joy in sharing in my friends’ lives and the lives of their children, and hope someday they’ll feel the same for me.
Procrastamom says:
This was especially hard for my husband and I because we became parents really early in life – while all of our friends were in college and university – ie: waaaaaay before they were ever thinking of having children of their own. It’s funny how the tables have turned now though. With our kids all being teenagers/adults and able to take care of themselves for the evening or even a weekend, we find we have more free time to spend at bars/coffee shops/mini-vacations, but no-one our age to spend it with! Most of our 30-40 year-old friends have young families and are still embroiled in diapers and toddlers and sippy cups. Recently, we planned a trip to Vegas with three other couples. When hubby and I suggested we all go all week instead of Thursday to Sunday, we were met with protest because they lacked babysitting mid-week or Daughter was starting kindergarten or Son had swimming lessons and that stuff couldn’t be missed (and I get it, I totally do). I guess we’re doing only weekend trips for another ten or fifteen years
Christina says:
OMG, so many things to say! Where do I start? Hmmm….
1. I love (by “love” I mean find obnoxious in a humorous way) how some people think your posts are written by Heather and then they make a comment to Heather.
2. No kids here and yes, I am annoyed by some parents. But I think even other parents know this… your child isn’t the most precious, amazing thing on the planet to everyone else! At least most of my parent friends know that little tid bit and they keep it in mind when they talk about their kids.
3. Although I’m not a parent, I still know what type of parent I would want to be and I think plenty of others’ feel they do too (of course I know anything could change if/when I have kids). I don’t feel I will be the type of parent who lives only for my child so when I see that happening, it’s a little annoying. It’s only a small handful of parents, though it still happens – they turn down 100% of invites regardless of time, location, or accommodations, they refuse to do anything above the bare minimum at work, I know someone who hasn’t shopped for herself more than twice in 10 years – she still wears clothes from high school even though she has the resources to do otherwise! I worry about those parents because they aren’t getting breaks or providing an example for their kids on having a well-rounded life and what will they do when their kids grow up and leave? Be annoying, clingy parents to adult “children,” that’s what. These parents tend to be doormats too – their kids rule them. This is a small population of parents (I only know 2 moms like this), but they are still out there and they drive me crazy. It’s all about personality, really. I have many parent friends who “get it”. They know they need to balance their lives and they come to some stuff, I make accommodations sometimes and sometimes they want a night away from the kids. Balance is good!
3. Misery loves company. I use the term “misery” loosely. I know very few people in this world truly have a miserable life. But you know what I mean! Parents get exhausted and want to pull their hair out sometimes! It’s nice to commiserate with other parents. Non-parents like to commiserate with each other about their woes. Plain and simple. It’s not fair to demean each others’ lives, though. While one path might be best for you, that doesn’t make it “best” period!
Heather B. says:
You know what will make a childless person angry? The tone of some of these comments.
I am childless and very effing busy, thankyouverymuch.
And it’s unfortunate that some people have children and suddenly have no concept of the world outside of their household.
m says:
High five.
Eric says:
Eh, my wife and I were never huge bar-hoppers before we had our daughter (who is now 5). Having said that, we do enjoy the occasional happy hour with friends, and what we’ve found is that there’s no reason we can’t bring Sophie with us. iPhones with kid-friendly apps do wonders to keep a child entertained!!
There was a brief period (say from 18 months to 2.5 years old) where she couldn’t really sit still long enough to go to a restaurant or tavern, and she wasn’t really walking all that well to be allowed to roam a bit (when appropriate, on a patio or something).
But prior to that age, and since she’s gotten older, it isn’t a problem in the slightest. Sophie even jokes when we pass by a local bar, “Hey, I got kicked out of Dave’s once.” (And it’s true — she was less than a year old, and we took her in her stroller to the patio to meet some friends for a beer after work. The waitress raced out and told us we had to leave; since they are a BAR, not a restaurant (no food) it was strictly 21+, no exceptions for stroller babies. We understood.)
It also helps now that our favorite hangout is a neighborhood bar with a great patio, a kid-friendly menu with pizza & chicken fingers, and an owner that will give Sophie sidewalk chalk to play with, and who puts five cherries in her Shirley Temple.
As always, common sense rules the day. We only have the one child, which obviously makes a difference. And sure, we can’t go out drinking ’til midnight at some rough-and-tumble biker bar. But we can easily take our child to our neighborhood hangout from like 6-8PM, especially on a weekend night when there isn’t school the next morning.
We laugh about the “baby in a bar” line from Sweet Home Alabama — and the fact that we live here in Alabama makes it even funnier. But I really don’t feel guilty about this in the slightest. We get to have some fun with our friends, and Sophie is safe and happy right there with us.
Eric says:
I should also add that Sophie likes our friends (especially when they bring their dogs!) and is very comfortable chatting with adults. I surely wouldn’t drag her to places with us if she were miserable.
Sarah M says:
I don’t think your friends expect you to come to everything but include you in the invite because maybe one of the times you will be able to come.
And everyone needs to understand that whether you have children or not life is busy…and exhausting children are just a different kind of busy. Being a working parent is very hard you spend so much time away from the kids that when you have free time you want to spend it with them. We also have learn its ok to go out and leave the kids with the grandparents or a babysitter because they are having just as much fun away from us as we are away from them!!!
Kate says:
I think some of the disconnect in the comments, just from reading them, is that there are really two categories of friends-with-children that the childless (like myself) encounter.
The first are the reasonable human beings who just so happened to have a kid or two along the way. They realize that there is going to be a disconnect between themselves and their childless friends, but they try to work to bridge the gap as best they’re able. They’re polite about when concessions have to be made because of some element of the kid’s schedule, and they don’t necessarily expect other people to cater to their kids’ every need. An example of this: two of my best friends from college have a 13-month old. A few months ago, I was visiting and we were determining somewhere to go to dinner. They said, “You know, we usually only go out somewhere that’s him-friendly, is that okay? We can feed him here, first, if it’s not.” Of course, it was absolutely okay, and we had dinner with the baby there and it was totally fine. They never developed any sort of parental entitlement about the whole thing, and I was totally willing to accomodate that because it wasn’t and had never been BABYBABYBABY.
But the second are the “crazy breeders.” These are the parents who make their children the center of not only their universes, but of everyone else’s. They require that all events be kid-friendly, they throw fits when a party they want to go to is held too closely to the child’s bedtime, they expect childless people to bend to their schedules because they have the kid, and they are completely unreasonable. They have no consideration of others because, apparently, human decency fled their brains when they had children, and expect that they get special dispensation to be horrible because they have children. An example of this: a few weeks ago, my cousin went up to Chicago to visit a variety of our relatives and brought her toddler along. My elderly grandmother invited them over for lunch and several times, my cousin changed their arrangements “for the baby.” The day they were meant to have lunch, my cousin never showed up or even called my grandmother because she thought the baby was “overtired” and didn’t want to risk waking her up from her nap by calling my grandmother. Who’d made them a meal. And was wondering what happened to them. When my grandmother called an hour after my cousin was supposed to show up, my cousin yelled at her for waking the baby!
And that, for me as a childless person, is where I draw the line. I want my friends with kids to be in my life, and I am absolutely understanding of the fact that they now have kids who restrict certain activities and timetables. But I also don’t want to be treated as a lesser person by them – or, in fact, mistreated by them! – either. My life is just as valid and my time matters, too. And if you’re unwilling to recognize that because you’ve decided to have a baby, I don’t think we should be friends anymore. If your kids are the validation of your entire life, we no longer have enough in common to be friends.
(I will add: I also have never had friends who were part of the bar/party scene, which I think lends itself to having reasonable friends.)
Amber says:
I think this comment is RIGHT on the money!
Lesley says:
Now that I have a four year old, who gets wilder as the day goes, we try to connect with our friends over brunches. My son is a great brunch guy. I think he’s so hungry that he just chows while we enjoy a leisurely time. For nights, we try to host more people at our house. The boy gets a slightly later bedtime, but it’s just easier to hang out on our patio after we put our son to bed. And, sometimes we even swing a babysitter and pretend to be night owls again.
When my friends invite us over to their houses, they usually ask what they can prepare for my son. While I appreciate their generosity, I always tell them to please do nothing special…and we try to bring whatever keeps him entertained. I really don’t expect my friends to make special accommodations for my kiddo, but I’m always appreciative for their offers.
Ray says:
EPIC photo of you with Maddie, Mike! =P
As a parent and husband, finding time for friends is hard. But I think the key is to not go over a month without seeing a person. Friendships should be kept fresh. I think having a little dinner party at your house, after Annie’s bed time would be nice, once in a while.
MNM says:
Mike, I bet you didn’t know what you were in for (comment wise) when you posted this topic!
First of all I absolutely LOVE when I see a picture of Maddie that I have never seen before… and this picture was one of them! So precious!
Secondly, I am an RECE (registered early childhood educator) and have been for 10 years. I have only been a parent for 3 years. I used to HATE when people would tell me that I couldn’t care for a child the same way someone with children could because I wasn’t a “mother”. Yes I wasn’t a mother, but I was a damn good child care provider who LOVED and CARED for other peoples children. Now that I have a 3 year old and a 1 1/2 year old I realize that yes, things are different from when I didn’t have my own children. I can relate to some of the feelings, issues etc. that I couldn’t when I didn’t have my own children. But that didn’t make me any less of a child care provider than when I didn’t have my children.
I used to HATE when people would almost consider my life less important than someone who had children (when I didn’t have children). Even though I totally “get it” now that I have my own children, I make sure that I NEVER come across as thinking anyone else’s life is less important because they don’t have children. I am now a supervisor of a child care and I treat all employees the same whether they have children or not. Yes, I do truly believe that having children does add a TONNE of craziness to your life that not have children does. I do accommodate staff when they have child care issues… but on the other hand I make sure my staff without children gets to leave early just as much just as much as those who need to leave early with children because it is the right, fair thing to do.
I LOVE my life with my children. I have truly waited my whole life to have my children and everything I do is for my children. I wouldn’t change a thing. I am a better parent and RECE today because of you and Heather and thank you both for sharing your life story with me. You have given me the gift to appreciate all the “crappy” or not so “glorious” parts of parenting and enjoy EVERY minute of EVERY situation. Even if I don’t appreciate it at the time… I do before I go to sleep at night. So I thank you for that.
As for not being the same person I once was…. your damn right! I LOVED to party and have a good time. I am so glad I live my life the way I did before I had children. It was defiantly GREAT and I don’t regret it. It is different now but in a good way. I thought it as REALLY funny when one of my friends jokingly said to me “Mindy, you have really changed since you’ve become pregnant” because I once was the life of the party… but of course now had new priorities. Most of our “posse” now has children and I look forward to sharing all the camping trips, zoo days and park play dates with them. It is hard to juggle everything (my newly grinding teeth habit will verify for me) but it is a blessing I am thankful to have. I do look forward to the days when my friends and I can go out for a drink or have more than one or two drinks without having to worry about getting up with the kids. But for now, I try to thank my lucky stars for having the responsibilities I do and I understand when people who do not have children think that people who do have children seem to be held at a higher regard…. because it wasn’t that long ago, I didn’t have any children either.
Please forgive the long post, I can’t remember when I had this much time to mysef to post anything! hee hee…
Janeen says:
I love this! Thanks for taking the time to share this with us!
s.a. says:
We are fortunate in that our kid is a great sleeper (little bit of luck, we also worked hard to make this so). So though he has to be in his crib pretty early, we invite our friends over a lot, when we do go out to dinner we eat on the early side and then the party continues at our house.
I think one of the things that has made the transition easier is that we didn’t go AWOL when the kid was born. We went out a lot, it was easy to do when he was wee and I could wear him in a Moby wrap and nurse anywhere, we invited people over all the time to hang and to get to know the baby. So our friends without kids didn’t feel like we had ditched them; they love our boy and glory in his development like we do.
ldoo says:
We do a lot of inviting our friends to our house. Also, we’re lucky that my mom lives nearby and will watch the kids after they go to bed so we can go out.
Our kids are 3 (as of yesterday) and 16 months. I guess I don’t understand some of what people say about being SO busy and SO tired. Well, during the day, yeah, I don’t get to sit down for more than 30 seconds.
But I worked by butt off to train my girls to sleep well. They take appropriate naps and are in bed at 7:30 at night. There is no waking in the middle of the night (unless sick). So come 7:30, we’re free to be adults, either at our house with our friends or out with our friends.
The only time we clash a little with our friends is because we believe so strongly in appropriate bed times, but they don’t. So we have a couple friends whose kids are the same age as ours, but their bed times are 10-11 p.m.
They want to go out with the kids at, say, 7. Just when OUR kids are going to bed. So our friends do get a bit annoyed when we can’t join them out until around 8, once our kids are in bed.
GetsTheWorm says:
Sometimes you make friends with somebody and your basic living schedule is in sync.
Then something changes. One of you starts/stops school, has a kid, gets really ill/has an accident, marries/divorces. Suddenly your schedules don’t line up anymore!
No big. It means both of you have to work around each other’s schedule a little bit.
Me? I’m an early riser. I don’t have kids but I want to go to bed at 10:30 and get up at 6:00. I’ve been getting flak from the up-lates my whole life, but a good pal enjoys me while I’m there and doesn’t mind if shindigs at my house start and then stop a little earlier.
In short: BE NICE TO YOUR FRIENDS*! You might not see them as often once you have mismatched schedules, but if you find a way to let them know you still appreciate them, and they find a way to show you, it’s all good. You may line up again some day.
I can’t wait until everyone turns into old fogeys and wants to get up early like I do. Some day …
* And I know it’s really hard, but be nice to people on the internet, too. Don’t demonize people with kids as self-absorbed lamers and don’t demonize people without kids as devil-may-care slackabouts. Everybody is working as hard as they can!
Dana B says:
This reminds me of a clip I heard on NPR. If you listen to the This American Life podcast- check out the past Father’s Day segment. It is likely the last or second to last interview, about the non-father who visits his buddy who is at home taking care of twin girls. The guy never leaves the house, and his explanation of how it’s humanly impossible is brilliant.
Pam says:
We allow ourselves a party once in a while but don’t stay out super late. And to stay connected to our friends, each spouse gets a one or two nights a month out alone with their respective group of girls/guys, while the other stays home and then takes one for the team the next morning on breakfast duty. I say past 9 a.m. it’s fair game.
And who am I kidding? “Sure, honey. I don’t mind if you go out with the guys Friday night after the baby goes to sleep,” translates to, “YES, I have the TV to myself and a quiet house!”
statia says:
We have kept some of our child free friends, one couple, empty nesters, so they get it. But we just have resolved that we see them less, and have made new friends with kids, because it’s just easier when you have that common denominator. I met my bestie that way, through a parent/child gym/swim class, and I seriously cannot imagine life without her.
And yes, we’ve made other friends. We can have parties. The parties are actually louder, with kids shrieking, and we don’t have to get completely shit-faced. Everyone goes home at a respectable hour, and we don’t wake up hung over. It’s a win for everyone. And when we want to get away from the kids, we have infrequent nights out with our kid-centric friends and the same rules apply. It’s just quieter.