That face.
How I miss that beautiful face.
Today was one of those days when the sheer horror of what happened was front and center in my mind.
“My daughter is dead,” I would think. “My daughter is dead.”
The preceding is a sentence that, no matter how many times I say it, always sounds foreign and unreal to me. It’s like saying “I am the President of the United States” or “I have won an Olympic Gold medal.” It just doesn’t seem like something that could be part of my life. But it is.
I realize I have yet to write here about Heather and my pregnancy with Binky, but that is because it is hard to know how to express all of the feelings I am having. Don’t get me wrong…Heather and I love being parents, and we are both looking forward to having a child in the house again, but the more I think about having a child again the more it makes me wish that child was Madeline. Madeline is who I want to be playing with, kissing and hugging, teaching about the world…
This makes me wonder if I will be able to love this new baby as much as Madeline. I think I will, and have been told by friends that you love all of your children the same amount, but right now it seems impossible to love another child the way I love Maddie. And that scares me. The last thing I want is to become some psycho like Johnny Cash’s father who told him “the wrong boy died.” I can’t see myself saying something so hurtful, but raising this child is going to be far more complicated than it would be if Maddie had never passed.
A good example of how complicated things will be is trying to figure out what to tell this baby when he or she asks who Maddie is. This question will come long before he or she understands the concept of death, so what do you say? She is your sister but she doesn’t live with us? How is that not going to freak out a kid?
This isn’t the life I ever thought I’d have, but it IS real. Somehow I am going to have to find a way to live it the best I can.
Katherine says:
I think that it’s something you just have to take one day at a time.
I think maybe if you look back when Heather was pregnant with Madeline you had other types of doubts (most first time dads do).
But those doubts probably disappeared once she was born, and these will too when Binky comes.
Hugs to you both.
Kathy
.-= Katherine´s last blog ..Small Update =-.
pamela says:
you will tell your new baby that Madeline was an Angel and that she was beautiful. You and Heather will be blessed with another baby in the house and that is amazing.
.-= pamela´s last blog ..The End Is Here. =-.
Samantha says:
That face. Is beyond beautiful! Thinking of you guys often.
In Due Time says:
Binky will be loved as much as Maddie. You and Heather are amazing parents. Binky will grow up knowing how special that sweet baby girl was to y’all. The words will come from your heart, your soul, from Madeline.
.-= In Due Time´s last blog ..Not As Planned =-.
Nanette says:
I can only imagine the internal dilemmas you face now and in the future.
I have faith in you, Mike, and your entire family, that you’ll handle Binky’s questions the best way you know how when the time comes.
.-= Nanette´s last blog ..Em mobile =-.
Katherine says:
My cousin died in a car accident when his daughter was 6 months old. Her mom always had pictures of my cousin all over their house. And when the subject came up she would simply say, “He was your dad, and he died.” His daughter never didn’t know he died and it time she came to understand what that meant. And when she was old enough for it all to sink in, she grieved as if she’d known him. Or grieved because she never did.
I know Heather doesn’t like to use the phrase “died” so you could try something else that feels okay for the two of you.
And I do want to say congratulations and you will love this baby (you will, you will) but I also want to acknowledge that what your going through is so, so much at once. If you are able to sort through all these feelings you are a remarkable human. And if, some days, they’re all jumbled together in a confusing mess, you’re completely normal.
Take really good care of yourself.
.-= Katherine´s last blog ..I left off here =-.
Elaina says:
I think Katherine is right…one day at a time. And I’m certain, when Binky arrives, your heart will expand to just the right size to add Binky to your love for beautiful Madeline. Thank you for being real.
gwendomama says:
When I discovered that I was pregnant with my second child, my first child was 13 months old. I was devastated, though I wanted more children…it was too soon…it would take ‘something away’ from my little jewel….something I had not planned. Like a sibling.
My friend, mother of 4, assured me…I would feel differently.
That baby was born when she was 20 months old. He was the delicate teddy bear of her most fond attractions….he was spared the inevitable frustrating kicks which were, instead, delivered to the breast pump, which took up at least three to four hours of my day. Away from her. Not to mention the countless doc appointments – for….her special brother.
Who then had the audacity to die just before her third birthday. Can you imagine?
I never thought that I could survive to appreciate another child. But Bubbles keeps me laughing, which keeps me grounded here on earth. My daughter is my elyxir of life.
But Elijah? He was a bodhisattva, just like your Madeline. He came here and took nothing. He gave.
Elijah was my teacher, my guru.
Go forth.
.-= gwendomama´s last blog ..Baby Stellan =-.
eden says:
Mike you are amazing. I’m really blown away at your raw and real honesty. Your baby will grow up surrounded by photos and videos of Madeline’s smiling face, her delightful laugh. Binky will be told stories of Maddie’s adventures; she will be a part of all of your lives forever.
I think it will be Binky’s “normal”, and I truly don’t think there would be fear around it. Children are amazing and accepting like that.
You don’t know me, but I think of you and Heather a lot and I continue to send you my warmest love and thoughts.
Brittanie says:
I think between you & Heather and the beautiful way you balance each other out and all the photos and videos and the smiling sunny spirit of Maddie that is very much alive in the hearts of all who knew her and in the beauty around you everday it will all come much easier. I think your little girl will definitely be doing her best to help. How incredibly lucky and blessed is Binky, to have such an amazing big sister and wonderful loving parents as you. I would quite literally give anything & everything to bring Maddie back to you all…but she does live on. Her life was far too short but it was full and happy and adventurous and miraculous and so very blessed. She mot physically be there to guide her little sister or brother, to run or laugh, or go on missions of mischief but I know that she will still find a way to be a part of it all. You and your entire family are never far from my mind. I hold you in my heart and pray for you constantly. I tell anyone who will listen (snd even some who won’t ;)) Maddie’s story…your story. I cannot imagine the pain, the emptiness, and the uncertainty you both must face on a daily basis. You are so so much more brave than I. Always remember though that Maddie’s story, is far from over. There are many chapters yet to be written. I know that you and Heather and Binky and all your family and friends and stranger friends will make sure of it…that it is complete. I start Nursing school in less than a month. I plan on printing out a small photo of Maddie to keep in my binders & notebooks. I’ve always known I wanted to be a nurse and I always wanted to be a NICU Nurse, but some silly part of me was afraid I ‘couldn’t’ do it and that I just wasn’t ‘enough’…and then? Then I met Maddie. I met her only after she’d passed…but through the beautiful, loving, and real words you and Heather have so selflessly shared with us, I found my strength, my catalyst to push me through and make me believe. A beautiful little angel with wispy curls, an infectious smile, and gorgeous sparkling eyes that tell a story of a brave, amazing, one of a kind Princess…all without ever saying a word. I dedicate the next few years of my life & my future career to Madeline. I may never have known her in person, but she’s already helped me find the courage to reach for my dreams & be the kind of person who would make her proud…who I want to be. Thank you for sharing your sweet girl with us…and thank you for sharing your baby to be. It’s not just Madeline’s stremgth that has inspired me. All my love.
Al_Pal says:
*sniff*
You, Heather, and Maddie are truly inspiring. I’m sure Binky will have a richer experience in this world, from all the love around. I believe that Maddie will be there to help you through the uncertainty.
*hugs*
Kate @ UpsideBackwards says:
When I was expecting my second child, and wondering how on earth I could find space in my heart for another when it was so full with my first, a wise person told me that a parent’s love is never divided: it multiplies. I am sure you will find that with Binky, too. The love you will have for Binky will not be the same as your love for Maddie; we love each child differently because they are different people. But we love them each just as much. I hope you will find joy as you discover this for yourself.
.-= Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last blog ..Or (d) none of the above =-.
amanda says:
I haven’t read the other comments, so someone else probably already said this – but you WON’T love your new child the same way you love Maddie – but I think you will love Binky as MUCH as you love Maddie. It will be in a different way, I think – but what a lucky baby Binky will be, to have you and Heather as parents.
xo from CT,
Amanda
.-= amanda´s last blog ..ants in the pants =-.
Joe @ Irrational Dad says:
It’s tough, man. On one hand, you feel guilty at being happy that Heather’s pregnant. On the other hand, you ARE happy that Heather’s pregnant, but don’t want that to detract from the sadness over the loss of Maddie. It’s okay to be happy and sad, elated and devastated. None of your readers will fault you for telling us about a great day you had today, and a horrible one tomorrow.
You’re never going to question the love you feel for Maddie, so don’t question the love you’ll feel for Binky either. You’ll love him (or her) just fine, but you’ll miss Maddie at the same time. Parenting is nothing but a gray area, there’s little black and white.
.-= Joe @ Irrational Dad´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday v. Too hard to turn =-.
Susan says:
This entry tears my heart out. I agree with the others who’ve commented, Binky will always know that he/she had a wonderful, smart, darling, funny sister named Maddie, and yes, she died, but more importantly she lived. I work with young children and I have had a number of students who have had siblings die. One of the most memorable families is a family with a situation similar to yours, and despite the fact that the later children that came along never MET their sister in life, they absolutely did know her and talk about her. They were very thoughtful and respectful of their parents’ grief, but they were not scared or scarred at all. They knew that although only 4 people lived in their home, they were a family of 5, yet their parents didn’t immortalize the child they lost in a creepy way. They passed through my classroom years ago, but I think of them from time to time, because the compassion these children had for others was remarkable. I don’t know how much they understood about death, but I would say they had a healthy concept of it, because their parents had taken the time to explain it to them. Whenever I hear people worry about whether or not a child will understand death as a concept, I try to remind them that many adults don’t have much of a grasp on the idea of death either. We’ve experienced loss, but we’d be hard pressed to define death, other than medically. And what happens to us when we die? Where do we go? It’s just as confusing for us as it is for kids. Sometimes I think kids actually have a better grasp on it than adults do. Try to be gentle with yourself and don’t stress. You are a wonderful father. I don’t think raising Binky with the memory of Maddie is going to be traumatic to Binky, and even when Binky sees your grief and sadness, it actually sets the example that grieving is normal and healthy. Take care. Hugs, Susan
.-= Susan´s last blog ..We Almost Killed My Mom This Weekend =-.
La Petite Belle says:
Hi Mike,
I felt compelled to respond to this because I remember when I was pregnant with my second child, being CONVINCED that I could NEVER EVER EVER love anyone as much as my first child. Never. and No one. But surprisingly that changed. As soon as I had my second it’s like a bottle of love that I did not know I had opened up- and i love both of my children the same, although in different ways because they are both so different.
I am sorry for what you and Heather have had to go through for the past few months. I cannot imagine what you are feeling, but know that there are so many of us praying for you and thinking about your sweet baby Maddie often.
~Carmen
Amazing Greis says:
Binky will be one lucky baby. Not only will he/she be loved unconditionally by 2 amazing parents and countless friends, family members and a whole slew of people on the internetz. He/she will have the love of BIG sister Maddie to follow him/her around FOREVER!
I know it’s hard to imagine loving Binky as much as Maddie is/was loved. But you will! It’ll come naturally. And making sure that sweet Maddie’s memory lives on FOREVER, in the heart of baby Binky and any other future children, will come naturally as well.
I have no doubt that you and Heather will do a remarkable job.
XOXO
.-= Amazing Greis´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – The BlogHer ’09 Edition =-.
jenni says:
First off, congratulations on your impending arrival. Very exciting stuff.
Second, I promise you, your heart will grow an expand in ways you cannot imagine when your new baby arrives. I think all second-time parents have this worry – that we won’t love our next one as much as our first. But you just do.
Third, Maddie is always going to be a part of this new baby’s life because you will be raising him/her with the memory of Maddie. I don’t doubt that at times this will be immeasurable difficult, but I also think you will find so much joy in it and possibly even some peace.
Good luck in this new journey.
.-= jenni´s last blog ..RTT: I’m Getting my Ass Kicked Over Here =-.
Kristen McD says:
You will be surprised at your child’s ability to understand, in their own way. Children can simplify the most complex situation. It’s amazing. And you will be astonished by your wn cpaacity to love this baby. Not like you love Madeline. Each child is different – and how you love this has it’s differences. But you WILL adore them.
Colleen says:
WOW! Such a heartfelt post. One day at a time Mike, just one day at a time. I’m confident you’ll love Binky as much as you love Maddie. But I also think that love could also be a different kind of love and I think that’s ok as well. As i’m sure you all will, talk to Binky from day one about Maddie and as she/he grows he/she will know all about his/her big sister and what an incredible gift she was though for such a short time. No matter what, Maddie will always be your first born and while I don’t think that means you love them “more” I think it means they hold a special place just a little deeper in your heart. Sorry for the babbling, I hope it somewhat makes sense.
.-= Colleen´s last blog ..Wonder & Hope =-.
Jen says:
Mike, this is such a heartbreaking post. I can’t imagine the tangle of emotions you and Heather must be feeling. It’s ok to celebrate the new life you’ve created while mourning the one you’ve lost. As much as you love Maddie, I’m sure that you’ll find more room in your heart for Binky too. Just know that we are all out here supporting you.
.-= Jen´s last blog ..The day Erin came to town =-.
Kristen says:
mike,
opening up to maddie’s beautiful face – what a gift. i loved your words from the past two days, especially the “wherever you are, little girl…daddy loves you so much” part. she heard you, i just know it. keep talking to her.
the arrival of your new baby must trigger so many different emotions, such as the fear you expressed above, but i think that the question of love is already answered. by being so thoughtful, so true to your feelings, you are already showing love for this new baby, wanting to protect him/her, wanting to do what’s best. trust that love will flow from your heart or soul or somewhere deeper and it will be real and it will be sweet and it will be true. maddie would have been such a loving big sister and i know from following you and heather via your blogs that you will both devote your lives to honoring her spirit and ensuring that she is known to her sibling(s) to come.
much love to you.
xo
kristen
Danielle says:
I can’t imagine how you feel. Nor do I ever want to. I am so sorry that anyone ever has to feel the kind of pain you and Heather have in your hearts. You are both good people and GREAT parents. My thoughts are always with you both!
Jane says:
Love Maddie’s gorgeous sea-glass eyes! I never really noticed them before. I would miss that face too….
Patty says:
In due time, all of the pieces will come into place and you will realize that you have such an immense deep love for this new baby. Binky will in no way replace Maddie, or even her memory, and don’t feel guilty about loving this baby with all of your heart. You do have enough love, you’ll see it will hit you hard when you meet binky! And ys, you do love all of your children the same… only in different ways if that makes sense? As to this baby having to ask you who Maddie is, I don’t think that will ever happen because this child will seem to know who Maddie is, because she is always there, her pictures, her urn, her things, her spirit. Your love for Maddie will never die. Thank you so much for the sweet picture of Maddie, she is just so beautiful in every way possible!
.-= Patty´s last blog ..Little Sweeties! =-.
Rachel says:
Mike,
I am not going to pretend to know what you are going through, but I will tell you that I am pregnant and I also worry every single day that I will not love this child as much as I love Elizabeth. In fact my husband and I had this very conversation in bed last night. How could this next child ever compare? We love her so much that we couldn’t imagine loving anyone else the same. I am trusting that those answers will come later. I tell myself that even though this next child will probably have a completely different personality, she, too will embed her way into my heart the way Elizabeth did.
As far as telling your next child who Maddie is? It depends on how religious or spiritual you are. I would probably tell him/her that Maddie is their sister but that she went to live in heaven with God. But don’t worry because she is watching over her family now, like a guardian angel.
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..Caffeine Confession =-.
amy d says:
Stunning!…your Maddie is a beautiful little girl. I am so angered that this angel would be taken away so suddenly. You and Heather are amazing parents. Loving and thoughtful. You will love Binky with all your hearts, the way you love Madeline. Praying that God gives you the wisdom and the words to explain Maddie’s absence to her little bro/sister.
Much love to you and Heather.
.-= amy d´s last blog ..Because Sometimes…Life Is Crap… =-.
Deborah says:
Mike, your honesty is so refreshing and brave and vulnerable. I continue to think of you and Heather each day, and although I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you are going through, I do know what a wonderful person you are. You will love your new child in ways you probably can’t even imagine now, and loving Binky doesn’t take away any of the love you have for Maddie.
Binkytowne says:
Please know that every parent wonders if they will love a second child as much as the first. Obviously, you and heather are not every parent, which I’m sure makes this much bigger and larger in your mind, you will. Because you will. I know it doesn’t matter how much people tell you that it will happen and how much you will love your second child, you just won’t know it until it happens. So hold on and believe it because you will fall in love all over again.
I know this is hard. I think you are Heather are amazing. I wanted to meet you and hug you guys at BlogHer but didn’t get the chance, so here’s my virtual one.
.-= Binkytowne´s last blog ..BlogHer 09. Part I. (Stay With Me). =-.
Another Colleen says:
Hey Mike, I am from a family of 10 and 4 passed away. Two before me, and two after me (cystic fibrosis). I do not ever remember a time when I didn’t know about them. I don’t recall my parents sitting down and explaining it to me; I just always knew about them. They have always felt as much a part of my family as all of my surviving siblings, really. I have pictures and stories and I just know that they are there and I love them. Maddie will be the big sister to Binky and in a unique way, they will be close to each other. I think about my brothers and sister often and trust me, they are a part of me. And yes, it is true that you will love Binky as much as Maddie, but in a different way, and that is just fine. Don’t be afraid to grieve Maddie just as you need not fear feeling the joy of awaiting Binky. Life really is a roller coaster, huh?
JennK says:
Having another child is a leap of faith, whether the first is with us or not with us. I found out I was pregnant with my second about 4 months after I buried my first. And I was in denial for a long, long time. I think it wasn’t until that 20 week ultrasound when I saw my little person, my Ella, healthy and strong, that I felt like I could maybe be a mommy again.
Even now, years later, I am raising two little girls. I know that I am a mommy to three babies but I always imagined myself *raising* three kids. I don’t feel finished.
You will love Binky as much as you love Maddie. But you will love him/her differently. It’s that way will all my kids. I love them all…just not in the same way. And that’s not a bad thing. It’s scary, the unknown, isn’t it?
.-= JennK´s last blog ..Somebody. =-.
Kim says:
Hugs to you, Heather, and Binky. Your horror and mine are so different but you are right, it’s still hard to believe that this is our life now.
meg...ct says:
First of all that picture of Maddie is stunning!!! She had a light around her that says…”happy”. She was happy because she felt safe and secure in your care. Maddie made you a Dad…she taught you well…trust your instincts and be gentle with yourself.
Della says:
Like Rachel a couple comments above me, I’m currently pregnant, and although your situation has a twist that cranks up the intensity, I have to tell you I’ve been dealing with that same fear. How can I love anyone else the way I love my son? Will I resent the new baby for taking away the time we can spend with one another?
In fact, I’ve been dealing with it for myself AND for my husband, with a DIFFERENT kind of twist than yours.
I have two big (11 and 12 yr old) stepdaughters, and my husband was SO EXCITED to find out that our first child was going to be his first boy. He loves the girls of course, but there’s just something special about finally having a boy. When we found out I was pregnant again, he was SO hoping it would be a boy so we’d have two of each, instead of having 4 females in the household and only the 2 males. It was such a strong desire that I found even I was hoping for it to be a boy – but at the crucial sonogram, no parts were showing; it appears we’re having a girl. We were both, to be honest, disappointed. It took a couple weeks before I got over the letdown.
Now, I have a lurking fear that he won’t ever bond with the new baby as fully as he did with the munchkin. That he’ll always choose to be with the boy and leave the girl to me.
And I talk to my mom about it and I’m reminded that second children have been coming along for millenia, and somehow finding a place in their parents’ hearts. I’m reminded how clueless I was, before my son ever came, about how much I would love HIM.
I know that with Maddie gone, your situation is so much harder and more complicated, but I also know what kind of parents you and Heather are. It might not come ahead of time, but I know that love will spring up once you meet your Binky and learn who s/he is.
april in NJ says:
What a sad post. First, I want to say congrats on Binky. I can’t imagine how hard this time must be for you and Heather. Maddie will always be a part of your life and you’ll always miss her. But I’m sure that once Binky comes, you’ll love and appreciate Binky for being Binky. And I think, though you doubt it right now, that you’ll have twice as much love for Binky… his/her own love PLUS the love that you have for Maddie. I don’t know if that makes sense when I write it. lol. I have 2 children and I too had the conversation/thoughts, “Will i love the 2nd as much as the first?” Now I know the situation is in no way the same b/c you’ve lost Maddie Moo… but you will love Binky with a love and fierceness you can’t even imagine. And you’ll appreciate and love Binky even more because you don’t have Maddie. Seems horrible to write… but it’s true. As others said, when Binky asks about Maddie, just be honest. I think as long as you don’t act like Maddie is something to be locked away and not spoken of, Binky will understand what you’re saying. Life sucks most of the times and I’m so sorry that you and Heather got dealt this horrible shitty hand… but Binky will be the ray of sunshine that will make life worth something again. Binky is soooo lucky to have you, Heather, and Maddie. love and hugs from NJ.
Andrea's Sweet Life says:
I think, when people tell you that you love all your children the same, they’re wrong. You don’t love them the SAME. It’s not possible. I love both my kids with all my heart, but I love them differently, because THEY are different. They are two separate people, and I related to them in two separate ways. It doesn’t mean I love one more than the other, but my love for them, while it is vast in the same way, IS different.
You’ll not love Binky the way you loved Maddie – because Maddie was MADDIE, and your experiences with Maddie were different, YOU were different. But you WILL love Binky (and my guess is, you already do) for who he/she is, and don’t worry if that love isn’t the same as the love you had for Maddie. It shouldn’t be.
I have absolutely no advice for how to tell Binky about why Maddie is gone. It’s not something I have any experience with. But what I do know is, Binky will pick up on the love you and Heather have for Maddie, and he/she will LOVE Maddie, even without having known her. I DO know that. Love you.
.-= Andrea’s Sweet Life´s last blog ..The Comfort Zone =-.
Mary says:
You will know exactly the right words to use when the time comes. Binky will be loved, and will love Maddie because you and Heather love Maddie.
s.i. says:
As much of a blessing the new baby is and will be, I can only imagine the conflicting emotions you and Heather must be feeling. Bittersweet…
.-= s.i.´s last blog ..Relapse =-.
Sara Joy says:
Mike,
I haven’t commented here before, just on Heather’s blog, but I have to first say: you are a great daddy – to BOTH of your children. I know I don’t know you but it is just so obvious. The fact that you would ask the questions you are asking is proof in itself that you are doing a great job. You guys are going to figure this out, and you are going to continue to amaze us all.
We lost our son after just 4 days, and have asked that same question. If we are blessed enough to even have more babies, what will we tell them??? No idea.
Thank you for sharing your heart – it is a help to us all,
SJ
.-= Sara Joy´s last blog ..S-I-C-K =-.
JustAMom says:
That picture….. all babies are beautiful, but there should be a special word just for Maddie to describe her beauty because she is extraordinary. My heart goes out to you and Heather.
Creepy Mommy says:
Gosh, she sure is beautiful, huh? Love that little elf face!
Mike, I think of you often. I think of your wife and your daughter, too. Heather seems to have a wonderful support system, friends and fans here on the internets. She updates frequently and as one of her readers, I think I get an idea of what she’s feeling and how she’s copinf from day to day and I can leave her a little bit of comment love. (I hope this doesn’t sound wierd or stalker-ish. I don’t mean it that way.) But I think of you because you too lost a big part of your life and sometimes I wonder how you’re holding up. Not in a freakshow spectecal way, but just, I don’t know, as a dad who lost his daughter.
What I’m trying to say is, I can’t imagine how difficult this time must be for you. The conflict of wanting to love a new child, yet not *as much* or *better* than the one who isn’t here anymore. It sounds near impossible to get through.
I found your blog when you were a stay at home pop with Maddie, loved your writing, so funny. Loved the way you loved your daughter, as every man should. I hope you get some of that happiness back again because you deserve it.
That’s all. Long enough comment? Sheesh!
.-= Creepy Mommy´s last blog ..BlogHer@Home, The Perfect Storm, anxiety and mah baby =-.
Sarah says:
Hey, Mike. First of all, congratulations on Binky. I know you guys must be excited and scared shitless. Understandable. I just wanted to chime in because I had a brother who died before I was born. Three months before I was concieved as a matter of fact. I owe so much to my parents for being so brave to dare to love again. And once I was born, for loving me so fiercely and freely that I never grew up under the shadow of my dead brother. I don’t recall there ever being a formal sit down talk about Trey. Even though he was gone, he always was a part of our family. There were pictures of him up on the walls, he was not a forbidden subject, stories were shared, questions were freely asked. I have no doubt that you and Heather will do the same wiht this baby and he or she will grown up knowing all about her amazing big sister and she will love her just as much. I love my brother fiercely. I wish I had known his soul while it was on Earth. But I’m a believer in angels and I do beleive that I have one special guardian angle. And I have very little fear of death because I know that at the end of this life, I finally get to throw my arms around my big brother. Yeah, I wish he was here. I wish I could have grown up beside him and had a big brother here on the planet. I’m sure you feel the same about sweet Maddie. I just wanted to say that just becuase this new baby will have a sibling she/he never had the fortune to intimately know, she/he will know Maddie through you and Heather and all that love and knew Maddie. And, if it’s any comfort, I haven’t led a fucked up life beacuase of it. On the contrary, I think I learned at an early age (again, without ever there being a moment of “knowing”) that life is fleeting and precious and you’ve got to grab hold of those you love, hold them tight and make every moment count. Thinking of you guys and holding you so close to my heart. xxx
aunt becky says:
I don’t that the reality will ever stop sucking. I’m sorry.
.-= aunt becky´s last blog ..When “He’s My Father” Makes Everyone Feel Awkward =-.
tara says:
mike, this post just rips my heart into pieces…i am so so sorry for what you are going through. that maddie has the most beautiful face EVER.
Tony says:
I’ve read your wife’s blog for the past couple of weeks. I never knew you also blogged, until today. While it has been difficult to read your wife’s blog (mostly because I do so while at work, and can’t do things like cry, or laugh, without someone thinking I’m about to blow the place up), I found the first few lines of your blog to be so tough to read.
Why?
Because we share something in common, an undeniable, unforgetable and unbreakable love for our daughters. We’re both fathers, and we both have fallen completely and utterly in love with our child.
While I can’t emphasize with you, I definitely sympathize for you.
I plan on becoming a regular reader of your blog so that I can read the joys you’ll encounter with the child you have on the way. I wish you all the best.
Kellee says:
I know this is complicated for you both, but I have the utmost faith that you will approach each instance with the same grace and connection that you have so far. And that is the truth, wether you can see that in yourself all the time or not. You and heather are both amazing. And there are already a ton of auntie’s and uncle’s out here excited about binky.
c lo says:
some thoughts………(hopefully that will be a comfort)
Every parent goes through the “will I love them” thing. Probably not in the same way you will go through it, but still…….we’ve all been there. I was a single mom with my oldest and we were SO bonded, and so close, and it was just us. And I found out, after I was married, I was having a little boy and I was just……freaked. How could I love someone as much with a whole family? Who wasn’t a girl!?
For me, what happened was I found out………I didn’t get more room in my heart. It was more like a grew another heart. I hope it doesn’t sound bad, but….I don’t love all my kids the same. I love them all different. I can’t compare how I love them, it’s all different. It’s all a full well of love for each individual one, it’s all a whole new and different experience loving them. If that makes any sense.
Maybe you’ll find the same thing. Maybe you’ll still keep this fierce love for Maddie in a special place, and it will be a whole NEW place in your soul that opens for Binky. Different, new, special.
And, as for the questions…….again, it’s not the same, but sort of……..I have a daughter who leaves us half the time to visit her father. And last year, when my son was 4, he started noticing and being upset when his sissie was gone. But he’s never questioned the explanation of “Sissie is going to her daddy’s for a few days and will be back”. WE comfort him when the question comes up, but I’m sure he doesn’t “get it” yet. We give him an answer and he accepts it and moves on. I think that’s just how small kids are. Binky will know that his/her big sissie is in all those pretty pictures, but can’t play with him, and I bet Binky will be ok with that explanation until he/she is old enough to understand. As rough as raising kids can be, something they are easy on us about.
xo
.-= c lo´s last blog ..The big "V" (and I don’t mean vagina) =-.
Alice says:
My four year old recently became obsessed with death and a good friend lent us this book.
http://www.amazon.com/Lifetimes-Bryan-Mellonie/dp/0553344021/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1248904550&sr=8-3
I hope you can access that link. The upshot is that everything from the tiniest insect to the biggest animal is born, has a life and then dies. It doesn’t matter how long the life is, what’s important is that the life lived is a good one. And, from what I can judge from your wife’s blog, Maddie had a fun life the short time she was here and perhaps that might be the thing to focus on when the time comes. The only problem I have with the book is that some of the illustrations are a bit dour.
Christine says:
New babies can have tremendous healing powers.
I have a feeling that Binky will help heal your heart more than you can ever imagine. It will likely always be broken, but it won’t always hurt this bad.
Take it from someone who had a baby that healed a family.
Barb says:
Maddie will always hold a special place in your heart that no one could ever take the place of but you will love this baby just as much (even if it is hard to imagine now). You will probably find that a new baby will help heal your heart (not totally) from what has happened and the loss that you have had to face. I think by the time that the baby is asking about Maddie you and Heather will have come up with a plan on what to tell him/her. I would just let that child know that they always have a guardian angel watching over them and that Maddie is always there to talk to even if she isn’t there in person. Maddie was absolutely beautiful and has touched so many lives…she truly is an angel.
.-= Barb´s last blog ..Fair 2009 =-.
Arose155 says:
my parents lost a child in between having me and my youngest brother. From the day my brother was born he knew that he had an older brother who went to heaven…He was always a part of our lives even though he couldn’t be there. My mom used to take us to the memorial that my dad had built for him. My little brother always insisted on bringing him a toy(usually a car) Your new child will know Maddie through you and your wife. My prayers are with you.
Jill says:
Mike,
I think that all of the things that you are thinking about are normal. And, I think that after Binky ia born and then after you’ve answered his/her questions about Maddie, you will look back at these doubts you’re having right now, and realize that you handled it just fine.
You don’t have to solve everything right now. Don’t borrow sorrow from tomorrow. Just deal with today.
.-= Jill´s last blog ..Death really sucks!! =-.
Alison says:
You love times infinity Maddie, right? The thing about infinity is if you divide it in half, it’s still infinity. Though I have heard parents say that your love does not get divided by more kids, only multiplied. In that case, infinity times two is still infinity.
OK, so that was a little facetious of me. But I honestly believe in that concept, that your heart will make room for even more infinity, for your Binky.
xoxo
.-= Alison´s last blog ..Gred and Forge =-.
Jenny says:
We lost our first daughter, Catie on a Friday in 2007. Exactly one week later our 2nd child was born, another girl, and her name is Izzy. They both, along with their brother, are the loves of our lives.
Sometime in the week between Catie and Izzy it hit me that I was going to have another baby while buried in grief… that that child would never know Catie… that that child would always know the world as a place where children could die. I was scared I would have attachment issues b/c my grief was so fresh. I was scared about the questions that having a dead sister would inevitably eventually bring up. I was scared that she would be scared of dying… I was scared she would never be able to know and understand who Catie was and what she meant to our family…
Izzy is now 2 1/2 (and her little brother is 6 months). I still miss Catie every single day (but the grief is much more manageable than it was in that first year). Izzy knows she had a sister and that she was a vital part of our family… She recognizes her in pictures and sometimes asks to go visit her (it’s hard to understand that Heaven isn’t a place like Atlanta that we can go visit — boy, wouldn’t THAT be nice). One day at the grocery story, she looked at me (she was only about 18 months old) and said, “I ready to go.” I asked her where we were going. She looked at me matter of factly and said, “to see Catie!” Just about had to abandon the full cart of groceries right there… Some of the conversations in our house would probably seem a little odd to some people… Occasional conversations about Heaven and dying and cancer w/ a 2 year old… But I’ve learned that Izzy totally guides the conversation and I know what she needs to know just in talking w/ her. She certainly doesn’t understand it all yet, but she working it out in her own way and it’s going much better than I ever dreamed she would. Another blessing in Izzy (and Chip — there are too many to name for both), is I get to tell Catie stories any time I want… Izzy has recently started asking about Catie — Did she like this or that? An all out open invitation to share w/o reserve about the daughter we miss. That’s a huge gift for us.
I guess I write all of this to say your feelings are so normal and it will probably work out far better than you can even begin to imagine in your mind. I love Izzy and Chip like mad… love them so much my heart hurts and tears springs to my eyes sometimes… I love them as much as I loved Catie. They are all so different from each other and they have each needed to be parented in different ways, but man… it’s amazing how much love our hearts can hold. And it’s amazing how much purpose they’ve brought to our lives. They keep us laughing and on our toes and even as we continue to miss Catie, we love every minute with the to precious babes we have under our roof.
My best to you and your wife… Hang in there. And be gentle to yourselves.
.-= Jenny´s last blog ..Wow, It’s Been a While! =-.
Shannon Kieta says:
Mike…
You WILL love this child as much as Maddie and will not be like Johnnie Cash’s dad. You will teach Binky all about Maddie and how special she was. You are an amazing father and will continue to be one with Binky. Please read my post on Heather’s blog. I prayed for you two to have another baby because in my eyes, they are no two people more deserving of having a baby than the two of you. This baby will bring you so much joy. God told me this baby is a boy and it’s your special little man, so you will have a different relationship with him than you did Maddie. I presume you will be changing the name from Binky to maybe Bodi Christopher Spohr? I have a special relationship with God, and when he took my sister in Janurary, he owes me a favor. I ask him after Maddie passed to give you and Heather a healthy baby that so much deserve. Here it is Mike, I told Heather…Happy Birthday. But I do know it is a boy, if I am wrong it will be a first. I wish you both all the luck in the world…you truly are the best people!
Katie P says:
Mike,
I’m sure you and Heather will come up with a perfectly honest yet kid-friendly explanation of who Maddie is, and I think Binky will probably just accept it because that is what little kids do. They don’t know to think that something is odd or different, it just “is”. And as he or she gets older, there will be more questions, and eventually Binky will get the whole picture of who Maddie is and the beautiful sister he or she has watching and smiling down from heaven. I know this is a time of mixed emotions for you and Heather, but I am so excited about the new baby that is coming into your lives. He or she will certainly never take Maddie’s place in your hearts, but I think it’s going to open up another place in your hearts that maybe right now you don’t think exists.
Katie
Heather says:
You’ll love Binky. Other things will be complicated, but not that part.
What I hope brings you joy is also the elements of Maddy you’ll see in Binky — physically and emotionally. I was not prepared for my daughter to have my son’s exact smile, or their little personality quirks that are sometimes identical. Funny thing, genetics.
I also believe that Binky is going to have a brighter world, coming to know Big Sister Maddy through your stories and your love. What a great gift for all of you.
Insta-Mom says:
One of the things I’ve learned as a step-parent is that you can’t quantify your love for your different children. I love all my children, biological or not. If you asked me who I love more, I couldn’t possibly answer you. But I will tell anyone who asks that, while I don’t love them differently, I love each of them uniquely. And that makes it impossible to compare.
.-= Insta-Mom´s last blog ..Depression redux =-.
Kelley says:
My cousin lost her husband just about a month before her twins turned 1. To hear them say things like “My daddy needs to buy that” (while pointing to a car) is absolutely heartbreaking. But they know that daddy is in Heaven looking down on them. Maybe that’s an idea of how to tell Binky about the wonderful sister she has.
*hugs* to you both.
.-= Kelley´s last blog ..The Building Chronicals Pt. 7 =-.
Heather says:
The fact that you are so honest about this is amazing… it takes an amazing and thoughtful person to express what you are feeling in an honest way.
It’s not easy, creating a relationship with a child that doesn’t live with your family any more… we struggle with it every day.
We’ve always been honest with our girls about where their older brother is, the he lives far away (with his biomom, he was my stepson and lived with my ex husband and I full time), that he loved them like crazy and I know in my heart that he still does but for reasons I have no control over he can’t be here but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t wish he was able to see them.
In this honesty my oldest daughter(who is now 7) has been able to feel comfortable talking about him and asking questions because she knows we’ll be truthful when we’re answering.
There will probably be moments in your life and Binky’s life that seem impossible to manage, birthdays and milestones that Maddie didn’t get to reach, there will probably be a lot of fear at those moments… here it was my daughter’s 7th birthday, the last birthday we shared with her brother… walking in the toy aisle geared towards boys is always hard for us, his birthday every year…
But at each one of these really difficult milestones, I love my daughters that much more because I am acutely aware of what we lost and what I am blessed to have in both of them. I spend more time with them, I appreciate the things we do more than other parents because I know how quickly that can all change.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Sentencing day in court, 2006 =-.
Jenn says:
She truly was an exquiste child. I could seriously look at pictures of her all day.
I am so sorry that you have to journey down this very unfamiliar road. I wish I had some infinite wisdom to help.
All I can tell you is that she will never be forgotten by so many! I loved her so much and never even got to meet her in person.
My heart goes out to you and Heather.
Love, Jenn in CA
LD says:
I think that expecting a second child is always confusing and difficult, even when the first is still with you. But I also think that you and your wife are amazing parents with so much love to give, that there’s no way that this new little life will not be truly and deeply loved. And really, for kids, that’s all that matters.
Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba) says:
I’ll preface this by saying I don’t have kids.
But, I’ve heard that while (most people) love all their kids as much, they don’t always (nor should they be expected to) love them the SAME.
If I’m reading through the lines correctly, Binky was conceived in the very early days after Madeline passed. While those DETAILS won’t be something Binky will want to know about/think about perhaps until his or her 60s (giggle), the fact that you turned to each other so well during that time probably WILL mean something.
As to what to tell Binky when the question of who Maddie is comes up… the truth, that she was your well-loved first born, taken far too soon, is a good place to start.
Easy for me to say, I know… but my two cents…
.-= Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba)´s last blog ..Happy “Curves”iversary to me… 25 and counting… =-.
Dawn says:
I figure there will still be photos of Mad up around the house. Perhaps a bedtime family time of ‘bless mommy, bless daddy, bless maddie, bless binky’
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..Sex Toy Saturday: Rock-Chick “Massager Kit” *blush* =-.
Ms. Moon says:
Darling- there is a part of your heart which has not yet been opened. The child to come will open it. That’s all I can say about that except- try not to worry too much.
.-= Ms. Moon´s last blog ..Chickens, Iguanas and Lots and Lots of Laundry =-.
Krissa says:
Binky couldn’t ask for a better father or mother. … The photo is so beautiful. Sending (((hugs))) your way.
Katie says:
Mike,
I have been following Heather’s blog for a while now and feel so very touched by you both and Maddie. For what it’s worth – you have made me perceive my life in a completely different light. Thank you both for your honesty and openness. I’m sure you understand that it is so difficult for an “outsider” to find any appropriate words to express what they feel, or how they feel for you. But what you both write echoes throughout. I hope you can find peace, if that is at all possible. I am convinced you will love Binky just as much as you love Maddie and I’m sure that deep down you know this already. Perhaps there are other feelings that simply cloud over that realisation but it will come and it will be overwhelming. Sending you both a big ol’ virtual hug from far away, stay strong guys.
maya says:
Life isnt fair.
Maddie Should be there- right there with you.
Binky will bring some sunshine into your lives. Something you desperatly need. You will love him/her so much, as you do love your children equally. When the time will come, you will sit down with Binky and tell them just what an amazing beautiful big sister they have. The sister who WILL ALWAYS watch over them.
.-= maya´s last blog ..My Father =-.
amy says:
I remember thinking the same thing. That I did not want another baby, I wanted to have my firstborn again. (Who is alive and well.) I could not comprehend loving another as I loved him. My girls were born (twins) and I could not love them more. All of them are so special in their own way. You will love Binky and no doubt treasure her all the more after all you went through with your beautiful Maddie.
Michelle says:
My mind cannot comprehend the magnitude of the loss of a child, it is my worst possible fear and I really and truly physically ache especially for you and Heather as well as Maddie’s friends and family. I can barely get through a post from you or Heather without tears and when I read the news that you were expecting again I had tears. Tears of joy, not just for you and Heather but for the baby who I know is going to be so loved and cherished. While your fears are completely understandable I have no doubts that you will love this child completely, and they will be blessed just as Madeline was with 2 outstanding parents that so many of us aspire to be.
Kirsten says:
In the Waldorf School my daughter has attended since she was 4, the teachers tell a story on the child’s birthday of living in heaven with her angel and then coming to earth. When one of my daughter’s teachers suddenly died, the teachers told the children that the teacher went back to be with her angel. I know that to an adult that sounds a bit hokey, but I find that if I can talk to my young children about something and give them a verbal picture, they understand things much more deeply than when I try to give them facts. I know that you will have enough time to learn to love this child and tell this child what he or she needs to hear to understand. And just as Maddie came into your life for a reason, so this little one is coming to love you. And you will learn to let it and be an amazing dad to another person.
Kim says:
Your sweet wife and I have been talking about this very subject. My daughter died and one month later I became pregnant with our second child. Emma was always just a part of our family. We have her pictures on the wall, we talk about her, we watch videos of her…our babies first real outings are to the cemetery to visit her.
As they grow, they ask questions and I answer as honestly as I can, and as their age allows. My kids have never asked who Emma is, they just know she is their sister.
I know that when the time comes, you and Heather will know what to say to Binky.
.-= Kim´s last blog ..Diaper Business =-.
Kathy says:
When Binky comes, she will open a brand new wellspring of love in your heart. It’s the one right next to Madeleine’s. You can tell Binky as she grows she has a wonderful guardian angel big sister watching out for her.
Amanda (Garibay Soup) says:
Oh boy did I ever feel exactly how you’re feeling right now. I have a baby girl who is also in heaven. She’s a baby girl that I loved so much, yet I never got to say hello to her…. and she never said goodbye. I lost her when she was still inside of me, but man did I love her. She was going to be our second born. Very soon after losing Mya, I conceived my daughter Ella. I had such a hard time with this… especially when I found out she was a girl. I felt like I was replacing Mya, and felt HORRIBLY guilty at times. And when I got close to having her I started panicking w/my son who is alive and well that I wouldn’t love Ella the same way I loved Jayden.
It was this huge vicious cycle of guilt. But guess what…. I had her, I looked at her, and my heart expanded in this way I never knew possible… I was in love.
Ella is what I call my Rainbow baby. She’s my Rainbow after the storm of losing Mya. Binky can be your rainbow ~ and just know that Maddie will ALWAYS be there surrounding you with her love…I feel Mya all of the time, and it’s been 3 years, 2 months, 6 days since Mya got her wings.
You are a strong and wonderful daddy!
.-= Amanda (Garibay Soup)´s last blog ..Tonight My Heart is Heavy =-.