A large auditorium is filled by a sea of very similar looking black haired boys and men who face a podium. Suddenly, “HAIL TO THE MIKE” plays and the thirty-two year old CURRENT MIKE enters in a well tailored suit. He marches to the podium with resolve in his eyes.
“Good afternoon, my fellow Mikes. Times are hard at the moment for us, and many Mikes are unhappy with the direction that I, as the current leader, have taken Mike. My approval rating is historically low. This cannot be denied. Nevertheless, before I address your specific concerns, I would like to point out a couple successes of my administration.
First, while Mike has gained twenty pounds since I was sworn in as leader, it must be noted that he has lost two pounds in the last two weeks. This is a small loss, yes, but a step in the right direction.
Second, Mike’s bowling average, which has consistently gotten worse for over a decade, is now on the rise thanks to pro-bowling legislation enacted during my term. I am proud to say that a 160 average is visible on the horizon, and we will get there. We can do it. Yes, we can.
I will now open the floor up to questions.”
Hands shoot into the air. Current Mike points to the EIGHTEEN-YEAR-OLD MIKE.
EIGHTEEN-YEAR-OLD MIKE: “You speak today about having lost two pounds. But that, sir, is too little too late. When I was the current Mike he weighed 180 pounds, wore size 34 jeans, and – if I may say so myself – looked damn good. You, on the other hand, represent a Mike who is only a couple slices of pizza away from being mistaken for John Goodman!”
The gang of Mikes cheers and hollers. Current Mike firms his chin.
CURRENT MIKE: “First, I would like to say that John Goodman is a fine actor, and we shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss a comparison to him. Nevertheless, Mike is nowhere near that large, and you know it, Eighteen-Year-Old Mike. Second, I want to re-iterate that Mike has lost two pounds of late, and has done so under challenging circumstances the likes of which you never had to deal with during your administration!”
EIGHTEEN-YEAR-OLD MIKE: “Are you actually saying that being in charge of Mike is harder now than it was during my day?”
CURRENT MIKE: “Yes, sir, I certainly am. While the eighteen-year-old Mike was an active young college student with a gym membership, the Mike of my administration is a stay at home dad who rarely leaves the home. That is not good for the waist, nor is the fact that Mike’s metabolism is slowing down!”
There is half-hearted applause among the Mikes. Current Mike leans over the podium and points a finger at Eighteen-Year-Old Mike.
CURRENT MIKE: “Furthermore, while you are quick to remind us of your Mike’s trim figure, you have neglected to mention your administration’s failings. Even a cursory glance at your record shows that the Eighteen-Year-Old Mike pulled staggeringly few girls for a Mike with a 34 inch waist, and for that you, sir, should be ashamed!”
The collection of Mikes boo the Eighteen-Year-Old Mike who turns red and sprints out of the auditorium. The Current Mike smirks, pleased.
CURRENT MIKE: “Next question!”
More hands shoot into the air. Current Mike points to the six-year-old Mike, who wears an astronaut’s suit.
SIX-YEAR-OLD MIKE: “You may have gotten quite a positive reaction from the Mikes with your mockery of Eighteen-Year-Old Mike’s failure to pull girls, but pulling girls, sir, is not something that interests me. I still contend that girls are icky! Even if that is an unpopular position among Mikes these days!”
The collection of Mikes heckles the SIX-YEAR-OLD MIKE.
CURRENT MIKE: “If your question is about why I have ignored your pleas to create an ‘Anti-Girl’ amendment, Six-Year-Old Mike, you are wasting your breath!”
More cheers. Six-Year-Old Mike stands on a chair.
SIX-YEAR-OLD MIKE: “No, sir! My question does not have to do with girls! What I would like to know is why you have done so little to realize my administration’s number one goal – making Mike an astronaut!”
TWELVE-YEAR-OLD MIKE, who wears a San Francisco Giants’ baseball uniform, goes to Six-Year-Old Mike’s side.
TWELVE-YEAR-OLD MIKE: “And I would like to know why your administration has done so little to make Mike the Giants’ first baseman. Mike is almost thirty-three! We must act now!”
A scattering of applause mixes with boos among the Mikes. Current Mike pounds the podium.
CURRENT MIKE: “Not all goals can be accomplished. That is the nature of being human!”
The Six and Twelve-Year-Old Mikes cross their arms and pout.
CURRENT MIKE: “And, Six-Year-Old Mike, you really need to let this astronaut thing go. If you remember, we did much research into what it would take to become an astronaut, and deemed it an impossibility as far back as the Nine-Year-Old Mike’s administration!”
NINE-YEAR-OLD MIKE, who wears a fireman’s uniform, nods sagely.
CURRENT MIKE: “As for playing major league baseball, Seventeen-Year-Old Mike made the hard decision – one I applaud him for making – to give up that ghost.”
The SEVENTEEN-YEAR-OLD MIKE, who wears a Pinewood High School baseball jersey, wipes a tear as the TWENTY-TWO YEAR OLD MIKE runs on-stage wearing dark shades, a beret, and clutching a screenplay.
TWENTY-TWO-YEAR OLD MIKE: “But what of our writing career? Have we given up that ghost as well? If so that is a very sad legacy for my administration, which saw Mike receive a degree from the prestigious University of Southern California Film School! Your faulty policies have kept Mike from superstardom as a writer, an eventuality that, to my administration, seemed like a foregone conclusion!”
CURRENT MIKE: “You, sir, and your entire administration, were naive to the realities of becoming a professional writer. You had no idea the kind of competition that awaited Mike once he graduated, and if you had, you might have spent less time in college drinking beer and watching The Simpsons with your friends, and more time writing! Furthermore, this administration still makes becoming a professional writer a main concern, and is taking measures to ensure that happens.”
TWENTY-TWO YEAR OLD MIKE: “Measures? Like what? Writing this blog?”
The Mikes break into mocking laughter. Current Mike reddens.
CURRENT MIKE: “Well, yes, in fact I think this blog -”
The Mikes howl even louder and drown out Current Mike. They sober, however, when tears well in Current Mike’s eyes. A long beat passes as Current Mike composes himself.
CURRENT MIKE: “Being Mike is not easy. Each of our administrations has seen that first hand. Mike has dreamt dreams that have been dashed. He has presented his heart only to have it stepped on. And, yes, he has gained a few pounds. But there is still time. And as long as there is time I know that no Mike will ever give up on trying to make his life all that it can be.”
Scattered applause echoes throughout the auditorium.
CURRENT MIKE: “In the meantime, I think it is important that we stop to acknowledge something.”
Current Mike steps away from the podium, walks over to the wall, and flips off the lights. He then hits a button that projects the following image onto the wall twenty feet high and wide:
CURRENT MIKE: “This is something we can all be proud of.”
Slowly, but surely, Mike after Mike applauds until each and every one is clapping. Current Mike returns to the podium with pride in his eyes.
CURRENT MIKE: “Thank you, my fellow Mikes! Keep the faith! We will prevail!”
The Mikes rise, giving Current Mike a standing ovation that grows louder than the encore of a U2 concert. Current Mike looks back at the photo on the wall, then pumps his fist in the air.
Daddy Dan says:
Great closing, Current Mike! In some small way each of those Mikes led you to the success you’re having today. Eighteen-year old Mike seemed like kind of a prick though.
Daddy Dans last blog post..Daddy Dan Interviews…..Andrea from Caffeinate Me
Sleep Deprivation Ninja says:
Wow. I’ll have to remember your sage advice and planning if I ever have a meeting with all the Sleep Deprivation Ninja’s. Luckily we don’t meet though. It would get ugly. Some of them are pirates. blah!
Sleep Deprivation Ninjas last blog post..Burbles
A Free Man says:
Is it still schizophrenia if all the personalities have the same name?
I can assure you that the waistlime expansion is a problem for Dads of the not stay at home variety as well.
I personally think you look great.
As for me, I kick the hotness HELL out of my 18-year-old self, so I’m good. (Pretty much everything looks awesome after 300 lbs, you know?)
Loralees last blog post..Letting down my state one craft project at a time
Six -year-old Mike is gonna get his ass kicked in a few years by a certain little girl. I’m just sayin’.
Middle-Aged-Womans last blog post..Always Asleep and Uncool*
Ms. Moon says:
Good one. I’ve always maintained that within us we have all the ages we’ve ever been. It does get crowded in there sometimes.
And yes, the Mikes should be proud.
Ms. Moons last blog post..You Can’t Make This Stuff Up
That was awesome. Almost my favorite Mike post ever. I’m afraid maybe nothing will beat the trip to Thailand though.
Although the pictures of Maddie with the french fries do come pretty close….
HeatherPrides last blog post..Different Disciplines
Love it. Sadly 18 year old me would probably say the same thing to me know… And I’m only TWENTY.
Summers last blog post..Taiden Tuesday Week 11; 30 Weeks
Dude how tall are you??
Marias last blog post..celebrating stillness
I loved this post. Very creative and inspiring. A lot of people are too caught up in their past and obsess about decisions that have led them to where they are. They are too blind to realize the most beautiful part -their family. Yours is adorable, by the way
Rachels last blog post..Wireless Thief- Who Me?
That was awesome. And I like the veiled Obama reference. Oops. Should I not have said that?
Awesome ending…and picture. Those are some cute women you’ve surrounded yourself with. 32 year old Mike is one lucky bastard.
current mike is awesome.
with a HOT wife. which is way more important than being an astronaut. heh.
I think 32 yr old Mike happens to be the smartest- plus you could totally turn this blog into a book. then you would kick 22 year old mike’s butt.
you really do surround yourself with beautiful ladies!
BTW- I dont think skinny guys are attractive. Men need to be bigger than their wives, bearish almost.
mayas last blog post..Labor Day Weekend & Other Stuff
Mary Beth says:
Sending out a shout out to Current Mike – just keep showing those lovely ladies and everything else pales in comparison!
Mary Beths last blog post..Historical Fiction Challenge – PILLARS OF THE EARTH
Andrea's Sweet Life says:
Current Mike has LOTS to be proud of. I think I’ll delay the meeting of Andreas From Years Past a little longer, though. I don’t taking booing well, especially from the one who planned on living in a high rise in a big city as a corporate tycoon.
I hope I’m not the only one that created voices for each Mike in the story…
“as long as there is time I know that no Mike will ever give up on trying to make his life all that it can be.”
With that quote, and the lovely photograph, current Mike is the winner.
Willows last blog post..79,000 forgotten words
great post, I never thought about my split personalities being me at different ages…another thing to talk about with my therapist…KIDDING! seriously, you have a lot to be proud of, especially that beautiful family!
Great post – I really enjoyed it and now it has me seriously thinking about what 7yr-old, 13 yr old, and 24 yr old Leslie would say to me if they had the chance. Actually, they are all probably t0o busy laughing at the fact that I now have gray hair, drive a mini-van and wear sweat pants to Target.
Leslies last blog post..Blueberry Time
LOVE this post! One of the best ever, IMO. If twenty-two year old Mike doesn’t have faith in current Mike’s future as a professional writer, I doubt that he’s ever really read the blog. Current Mike should totally call him out on that one.
I hope if the Marcia’s ever decide to have a convention it will be in some really sweet tropical place, with lots of cocktails.
Great post. I never anticipated that my family would be my greatest accomplishment in life, but it absolutely is.
jennis last blog post..Wordless Wednesday #2: Serious About Sand Castles
This is a great post. The ending is the best of course. …and tell nine year old Mike that firefighting is too dangerous of a profession to take up as a family man.
Jims last blog post..Poor Souls
I never comment, but have to say this is by far the best post ever. What an incredible way to look back on your life and instead of becoming down about what was not, being proud of what is and what a remarkable Mike you currently are. You have encouraged me to look back at my what nots, let them go (maybe not all of them, like your writing) and be proud of what Spring I am today. Thank you for that, and for your blog.
Awesome post. Sometimes it’s so difficult to look back on what could have been instead of focusing on the right here and now. And you guys are an awesome family. Hooray for current Mike!
Kristins last blog post..And then there were three
Aww!! That was really sweet – and fun to read. I do NOT want to know what I’d say to myself. As for pulling girls – it’s quality over quantity and you got the best of the best.
That was awesome! And your picture? Your family is gorgeous (if you need to lose weight, I can’t tell–seriously.) And BTW–I was under the impression that blogging was the sure fire way to start an esteemed writing career…are you saying I was wrong?
That had to be the sweetest post! Love the ending. As for the writing, I would rather read your blog then say…..Nora Roberts (sorry dude, you can’t beat Stephen King just yet and no I do not read Nora Roberts).
I nominate you to be a speech writer for Palin, you gots some mad skills!
Angelas last blog post..Irritated
This is one of the most creative and entertaining posts I’ve read in a long time !!
Great blog !
Susans last blog post..This SUCKS
Bravo, my man, bravo. This is another one of those ideas I wish I’d had first, but which is so good I would happily borrow it (with full credit given, of course) without a hint of shame. The trick would be trying to do something different with it to make it worthwhile, and I think you nailed it so well I’d have nothing new to say. So much for that.
LiteralDans last blog post..A conversation with D-: Sleeping with one eye open
I applaud the Current Mike for bringing all Mike’s together to move forward towards more great accomplishments.
Bonnies last blog post..I’m back in!
Bravo – great read!
Gabrielle Wallace says: