A note to be read later in life…
Dear Annabel (and, for that matter, all other kids out there),
Now that you are an adult you may hold resentment toward your parents. You may feel that they made mistakes while raising you or, at times, simply didn’t live up to being everything you hoped they would. Well, here’s something to consider:
Parents are human just like you.
We’ve got shit going on. Problems at work, stresses at home, issues with money. We could be struggling with our weight, depression, or dealing with some other health issue. We could be lonely and finding it harder to make friends now that we aren’t in school, or crestfallen as we come to the realization that life isn’t going to turn out exactly as we hoped it would when we were younger. In the case of your Mommy and me, we could also be really, really missing your big sister, Madeline. Parents have all of these things to contend with and many, many more.
This is a surprise to you, I’m sure, because parents do their best to make their kids feel loved, safe, and in capable hands that will always make everything right. The truth is, however, that there were many days when your parents were dealing with something hard, but you were blissfully unaware. All you were exposed to were smiles, hugs, and the reassurance that all would be okay.
Sometimes it was hard to keep up the facade when times were really hard, and if we weren’t the best parents on those days, we’re sorry. But the majority of the time, I hope, we kept you happy, smiling, safe, and totally unaware of the grown up problems that were weighing us down.
So instead of focusing on the times we let you down (and I’m sure there were those days as much as we never wanted there to be), perhaps you could instead focus on just how often we managed to be everything you wanted us to be in the face of it all.
Love to you always,
Daddy
Jackie S. says:
Very well said. That is what I would like to say to my 16 year old son. I may just have to borrow this.
Audra says:
This reminded me of when I was a teen and was really critical of my grandparents parenting skills (or lack thereof).
We were at a family function and my aunt said something about how my grandparents were big partiers when they were in their 30s and kind of clueless about how to act around their own little kids. My mom said, “Parents do the best they can.” in defense of her own mother and father.
At the time my 16 year old self dismissed it. Obviously not. Who wouldn’t know how to act around little kids? If you have kids, you shouldn’t go to parties, ’nuff said.
It wasn’t until I became a parent that I realized that what my mother said was true. With very few exceptions, parents really do try their best, but, like you said, they are met with stumbling blocks. For my grandfather it was alcoholism. For my grandmother it was an unhealthy relationship to prescription meds. Sitting back two generations later it does look like they fell VERY short of being ideal parents but, in the moment, as they lived their day to day lives two generations ago, I really do think they woke up each morning with good intentions.
We live in an era where getting help for the stuff that sidelined my grandparents has a lot less of a stigma. I wake up every day with the idea that I’m bringing my A game to my girls, but there are plenty of days when I go to bed frustrated because things didn’t work out like I thought they should. I too, hope that my girls remember the good days and the fact that I tried hard to be a good parent.
Holly says:
Mike – this was an amazing post and way to look at things. I feel like I need to write a letter or call my parents right now!
Ashley says:
This couldn’t come at a better time for me, Mike. Thanks! I needed to hear that today. I needed to know that I’m not alone in this crazy life/parenting gig/work crap!!! I hope my little man knows that some days, even tho I’m not the best mom – that I always have his best interests on my heart mind and soul.
Kelley Govan says:
This is a GREAT post and VERY well put!!
Lisa says:
I feel like this everyday. Thank you….
Amanda says:
Love this!
Glenda says:
Beautiful post and oh so true. You just don’t realize things until you become a parent. When I had my first and I could relate I told my mom thanks for being the parent she was. Parents do try their best and like I always says, it’s a hands-on-on-the-job-training, to be a parent. We learn each day.
Kathy Shipstad says:
Wow….I would love to borrow this. It is so damn true. Now that my kids are 17 and almost 20. Unfortunately my husband and I are becoming victims of the economy. Loss of work hours etc. Dipping into our reserve til its pretty much tapped. I think it may be sinking in a little with them but they still think money grows on our tree in the backyard. Well put Mike.
Gamanda says:
Very well written and so true. I’ll be bookmarking this not only for when my children get older, but to remind me that I won’t always be perfect and that’s okay.
Leslie says:
Well said, Mike. I wish I wasn’t so critical of my parents when I was growing up. Now that I am a parent I know how hard it is and that they were just trying to do the best they could. Thanks for writing this!
Sunny says:
I rarely comment, but this really resonates with me. My own parents had their struggles, and my mother had a horrible progressive disease (Huntington’s) which added to my father’s stress and of course our household stress. Growing up, I blamed him for a lot of the dysfunction in our family. It was easy to turn my dying mother into a saint once she had passed. The truth is, my parents were painfully flawed. However, they loved us and they did they best they knew how to do. I’m lucky to still have my father around, and am more aware of that having lost my mother earlier in life.
My sister and I made a vow to remember our mom as she was–bad tempered, slightly foul-mouthed, a bit of a party girl, and a mom who loved her kids. My father is not a tower of emotional strength, but he’s always there for us in the ways he can be. He’d cut off his right arm to help his kids. The knowledge of their love makes up for the mistakes.
Trisha says:
Nice post Mike. You hit the nail right on the head. I should have my 16 & 17 year old daughters read this post.
We’re all imperfect and that’s okay. They just don’t get it sometimes. They say parents just don’t understand but I think the opposite is true.
Skye says:
This is something I have only come to truly appreciate in the last few years. (I’m 24 and not a parent yet.) I can’t imagine how hard it is to live your own life and also be in charge of a little life (or lives) every single day. Parents are amazing!
Get Out Of Debt Girl says:
I love this message but I think sometimes as parents we shield our kids too much. At least I think my husband and I did. We kept our daughter shielded from our struggles, through being basically homeless and broke and having to live again with our parents when she was little. She loved it, we struggled. Now she’s in her 20’s and falls apart in the face of adversity. As a parent it’s so hard to know the right balance. It’s the most difficult job you’ll ever have and there is no manual or training. Would I do things differently? Probably not. Thanks for the reminder that we’re all in the same boat.
Ray says:
Thank you for this honest letter. I am sure Annie will appreciate it when she’s old enough to read it.
It made me cry.