Women sometimes joke that men have it easy when it comes to pregnancy, and they’re right. We get to skip the morning sickness, stretch marks, and everything else and yet still end up with a brand new baby. Here’s the thing, though. As easy as we have it there is one thing that’s difficult – accepting that everything is out of our control. This might not be that big a deal to a guy whose wife has only had successful pregnancies, but to someone like me, it definitely is.
Ever since Heather told me she was pregnant I’ve had a nagging worry in the back of my head: Is this pregnancy going to be troubled like our pregnancies with Maddie and the last one, or is it going to end well like the one with Annie?
I try to push this thought from my head because there’s nothing I can do to control the situation. Heather, of course, can’t really control the situation either, but she can at least listen to her body and get an instinctual feeling of how things are going. Because of this – and my lack of control – I probably put too much stock into everything she says.
If she says: “I’m really tired with this pregnancy.”
I say: “Were you this tired with Annie’s pregnancy? Or is this a feeling more associated with the other pregnancies? If you had to guess, would you say this is a good thing or a bad thing?”
Sometimes I even pester Heather first thing in the morning. “How are you feeling today? Any change from yesterday? What’s your gut telling you? Things going okay? Any spotting?!”
Heather usually humors me and says that everything is fine, but other times she says, “Dude. You need to simmer down.” So I try to simmer down. But it’s hard when it’s all happening in someone else’s body.
As you can imagine I anxiously awaited the day of our first ultrasound, but when it came I suddenly felt apprehensive about going. As much as I’d longed for a concrete sign of where things were with the pregnancy, I was afraid of those first few moments after the ultrasound began.
You see, with Annie’s first ultrasound it was only a couple seconds before the doctor pointed at the screen and said, “There’s the heartbeat. Looks good!” But with both Maddie and our last pregnancy the seconds ominously ticked away as the doctor stared at the screen… searching and searching and searching. When the doctor at last spoke, the news, in both cases, was troublesome.
Apprehensive as I may have been, I nonetheless (of course) went with Heather to the doctor to get the big news. As the ultrasound began I told myself not to freak out if she took a long time to speak. If she stared at the screen… searching and searching and searching… it was important to remember it might not mean anything. I was lost in thought, trying to convince myself of this, when I heard:
“There’s the heartbeat. Looks good!”
We’ve got a long way to go, and we’re all too aware that a pregnancy can take a dramatic turn very quickly, but for now I’ll be clinging to the knowledge that this pregnancy’s ultrasound began as Annie’s did. With everything so out of my control, it’s the one thing I’ve got.
Congratulations to you all.
I am holding my breath here for you
I sigh along with you because I am sure my husband felt the same way. I am a person who tries to move forward and not dwell, and I bet it made it harder for him to ask questions like you…I should tell him that I am sorry!
Hang in there!
Having had losses also, I know how you feel! We have 2 sons that were stillborn (Sloan and Seth) and a beautiful daughter (Eliana) at home. Because of our situation, when we were pregnant with eliana and it was time for an ultrasound, I told the tech “please find the heartbeat first…I know you have to do the scan and that you need to concentrate and be silent, but if you don’t want me to be interupting you or crying/freaking out….just find the heartbeat first”. I will be praying for your sanity and your precious little one on the way!
My daughter’s name is Eliana also We call her “Ellie” most of the time. I ove that the meaning of this name is “God has answered.”
Aw Mike, I’m pretty sure my husband thinks exactly the same as you do.
At one of our appointments (18w) the midwife couldn’t locate the baby’s heartbeat and had to get another midwife to come and have a go, and as soon as she left my husband said to me “where’s the baby, why can’t she find it, is it ok? Oh my god I can’t take this!”
Then today we had our second scan to look at babies internal organs and when we came out he said to me “so the baby is ok?” Even though he’d been with me the whole time and had been listening/watching as the sonographer explained everything.
I’m so excited for you both and I’m praying and wishing that this pregnancy is just like Annie’s one, and next year you have a happy and healthy baby to cuddle.
Such wonderful news! I pray that everything goes smoothly for all of you.
Barbi Emel says:
Hang in there, it’s gotta be tough, but believe everything will be great. So happy for you guys!!
It must be hard after all you have been through. I am hoping and praying for smooth sailing for you all.
I’m not really someone who prays — but oh my, I’m praying so hard for you and Heather.
That’s great news!
Hang in there! So happy for you & Heather! Praying for smooth sailing!
I didn’t get to comment on Heather’s post yesterday, but congratulations to you both and to Big Sister Annie! Sending prayers for a safe and healthy pregnancy and Baby Spohr from here.
Such a great post — I felt every word and you reminded me how amazing some men truly are!
Sending lots of wonderful, amazing, positive thoughts and wishes to you, Heather, Annabel and Baby S (could be “S” for “Spohr” but I like to also think it stands for “Spectacular”)
I’m crossing my fingers alongside you, Mike. I pray and hope everything goes well with this pregnancy for you and Heather (and for big sister Annie).
Sending calming thoughts to an awesome husband and father!
Sarah R says:
I gotta say, she is lucky to have you. My husband really didn’t want anything to do with the pregnancies: just likes the end result. If I were napping, he’d say, “come on, how can you really be that tired?” I thoroughly enjoyed pregnancy. I had 2 losses myself, the second one at 11 weeks when I found out via ultrasound that the baby had died at 8 weeks + 1 day. And I think he did have some fear after that that something would go wrong with the next pregnancy, but it didn’t. I went on to have 2 healthy babies after my 2 losses. Congrats to you two!
Making sure one of you reads this:
Heather and Mike,
After some quick math, I believe Jackie! went straight to heaven with one thing on her mind…
Me and my sidekick (Maddy) are sending them the happiness they deserve; a healthy baby Spohr. And nobody is going to get in our way.
With that knowledge, I see you welcoming a little perfect healthy baby in 6 months or so naming him/her Jack/Jacqueline. I putting my bets on Jack.
Amy C. says:
I have to say that Jack or Jacqueline would be an incredible name. Just sayin’. We named my son after his Great Grandfather and I get a kick out of that. It is so neat the history of that name.
On another note,
Mike and Heather, hoping and praying that things continue to go along smoothly. My husband and I went through this with our second child. The praying, the waiting, the throwing up, and the throwing up, and the throwing up, and the throwing up, and the throwing up. He has a beautiful bouncing 3 year old now :). Pulling for you guys!!!!
As I’ve told heather in the past, my twin pregnancy was overseen by Dr. Risky and IMHO she is amazing.
She guided Heather through her pregnancy with Annabel and I know she will keep a close eye throughout this one.
All of your questions, Mike, just show what an absolutely, wonderful, caring husband and daddy you are!!!!!
You continue to amaze me with how sincerely genuine you are here on this site, and how caring you are with Heather and Annie. The women in your life are both so incredibly lucky to have you. Keep up the good work, and congratulations to all of you. Praying that everything goes well from here on out for you all.
This is why aside for the first ultrasound and the 25 weeks one, the husband was not allowed at all ultrasounds and appointments. For good reasons too: kiddo stumped two different OBs who couldn’t find her heartbeat on different occasions. My OB practice as a whole nicknamed her “the ninja” because she wouldn’t sit still long enough for a heartbeat and they had to chase her all over my abdomen sometimes (my OB proper might have said “little stinker” at first). She also kicked up a storm during an amnio, which led the tech who was performing it to say “wow, she’s a mover and shaker, this one”. Boy, was she right on that count!
As I waited for the blog to open today (first visit this week) I thought to myself, “Wouldn’t it be nice if Heather was pregnant?!”
I am so happy for you guys and I’ll be sending positive thoughts and prayers your way! Good luck!
I love that you care for your children/wife so deeply to constantly check. Yes, it can probably get old for Heather, but the sentiment that you want to be there and help in any way you can is beautiful.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all. You need some smooth sailing for a bit.
Expat Mom says:
My husband was the same way with our firstborn, since we’d lost three babies before that. He tried to be positive, but he asked a LOT of questions when we were doing those first (and later) ultrasounds. I don’t think you can ever go back to the carefree idea of pregnancy once you’ve lived through a bad one.
Mike~I think the ladies in your life (ie your wife & daughters) are pretty darn blessed to have you there, with your concerns & love–even if you do drive Heather a little nutso 1st thing in the morning, bet she’d waaay rather have that than a man who just got up, got dressed, went to work, and never thought twice about the baby/pregnancy/Heather/etc.
I have the feeling that you would probably be a bit like this even if you guys hadn’t had the previous “tough” experiences (to totally understate them) you’ve had with previous pregnancies.
However, given your history, I totally understand how “out of control” you must feel! And I don’t blame you one bit! As you said, at least Heather gets to feel what her body is going through–you are only getting 2nd hand verbal reports! Shoot–I was like that with my sis & sister-in-law when they were expecting & I’m only the aunt, not the father!
You & Heather & Big Sis Annie & Baby Spohr are in my thoughts & prayers that all will be healthy!