Tomorrow is one month since Maddie passed away. It is still as inexplicable and impossible to comprehend as it was four weeks ago, but I have learned to hide my grieving in ways I couldn’t initially. I can hold conversations, smile ocassionally, even tell a joke or two, but it is just a facade. The only difference between now and four weeks ago is that I am learning to hide my pain. I now can grieve like a ninja. If one isn’t paying attention they may not even notice.
I try to distract myself and sometimes succeed in doing so. For twenty minutes or so I can lose myself in a book or the like, but then, all of a sudden, the realization washes over me like a kick to the head. “Oh my God,” I think. “My daughter is dead. My baby is dead.” Images flash in my head…Maddie smiling and alive…then lifeless in the hospital…and I have to fight not to throw up.
People tell Heather and me to lean on each other, which we do, but it is hard. Often I will be in a place when I am okay for a few minutes but Heather is not. To comfort her I have to go to her dark place. The same goes for Heather. For her to comfort me when I am hurting she has to leave any peace she has found at that moment. We will continue to lean on each other, but it isn’t always easy as people may imagine.
This last weekend Heather and I went to San Francisco to support one of our best friends at a walk for Brain Cancer. On Sunday I stayed in the Bay Area to go to the Giants game with my family while Heather and her parents returned to Los Angeles. After the game the Giants had a promotion where kids twelve and under could go on the field and run the bases. Since my nephew wanted to do it, I waited in the stands for him to head on down to the field and make his way to home plate. For the next twenty minutes I watched as an endless stream of children – one after the other like water from a faucet – run around the bases. I couldn’t help but think how every one of them was so full of life…and there were so many of them. The second one stepped off the field two more stepped onto it. It was hard to watch so many children alive and well when mine is dead and gone.
People have told me that Maddie is in a better place, that she is now with one who can love her more than Heather and I could, but that is easy to say when your child is alive and there for you to love and kiss. Personally I can’t imagine any place better for Maddie than in our arms, or anywhere she could be loved more than here. Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter. She is gone and nothing will change that.
Kristen says:
I have to agree with a source who shall remain unnamed that I would probably not be able to hold my tongue if someone said something like that to you or Heather in front of me. There is no better place for Maddie than where she lived and was happy – with you. Because you and your amazing wife are both so brave, she continues to live on brightly through you sharing your experiences with her. They were too few, and it isn’t fucking fair, but you two don’t have to lean only on each other. It’s true that only you can really understand one another’s pain, but it is also true that you both have all of us here waiting to lend you a shoulder for as long as you want it.
Keep writing – we’re listening – together we’ll keep Maddie’s light aloft.
hugs,
Kristen
Elaine says:
Mike, hugs.
Katrien says:
You are right, surely there is no better place for a little girl then with her parents.
As you’ve probably heard many times before: You do not know me, but I was very touched by your writing. My babygirl is only 5 months old, but when I see her with her daddy (whom she absolutely loves and adores) I can only vaguely imagine your pain.
I hope things will get better in time and wish you a lot of strength and happy memories of your daughter.
s says:
I am praying for you and your wife. Praying that the peace of God will flood your heart and mind!
sigh.
Coral says:
Mike,
I believe you are right. Maddie belongs with you and Heather. What do people think you’re going to say when they tell you Maddie is in a better place? “Oh thank God you told us that! Now we can just forget that we lost our baby because YOU were able to explain it away. Thanks for removing our hurt!” I mean, that is ridiculous. Flip off the next person that tells you that. And if you just can’t, send them my way and I will do it for you.
Hugs to you and Heather and Rigby.
Coral
jenny says:
Please Mike read this but don’t take it the wrong way.. I know it’s hard to hear, many people will tell you to lean on each other, because there is a very sad statistic that goes along with the passing of a child and that is the breakdown of a relationship(trust me) and no one wants that to ever happen to you and heather….Just keep talking to each other no matter how difficult!!!(i know i had alot of trouble talking to my partner) You will both greive very differently and in your own time, you will breakdown at different times, you will remember and see at different times and there will be those days were you both are down and out and the days life seems normal.. but give each other as much understanding, time and space as needed…. and i agree Mike there was no better place for Maddie than in yours and Heather’s arms!!!! Also Mike i think you nailed it when you say you just learn to hide your pain, and yeah it’s a right kick to the head! when reality come flooding back, (in my case it’s right in the Gut!!) It will never go away:( but Hey hold on to those beautiful memories, soon that kick in the head may put a smile on your face??
Midwest Mommy says:
I can’t believe it has been a month already.
I think dealing with other people trying to “comfort” me would be the most aggravating thing to me. Even though I know they mean no harm, I don’t think I could deal with someone telling me my daughter was in a better place.
Hugs.
Mom24@4evermom says:
I am so sorry. It is a cruel fact of grief that people are in different places at different times and it is hard to comfort each other.
I believe in heaven, I believe Maddie is there. I think it’s cruel to tell you Maddie’s in a better place with one who can love her more. No one could have loved her more, and I don’t believe God would have wanted Maddie anywhere but here with you and Heather. I don’t know why babies die, but I do not for a minute believe it has anything to do with “God’s will”.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Magda says:
I wish there were words, just know that there are so many of us that you can lean on if you ever need us. I love you all.
Amazing Greis says:
Much love to you and Heather from deep in the heart of Texas.
Hugs XOXO
perksofbeingme says:
I love you Mike.
Meg says:
Prayers for you and Heather as you try to heal…
Amy says:
She DOES belong in your arms…I can’t stop thinking that very same thought. I too have suffered the loss of a loved one and I still struggle with not knowing if she truly is better off without me. 4 weeks, 4 months, 4 years…I’d have to think it will always be hard but try to cling those full of life, happy, smiling moments to get you through those times. I am truly sorry for your loss. SO very sorry. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
april says:
Mike… I think people don’t know what to say so they say what they think is comforting. It’s so funny… I don’t even know you or Heather… but all I could think about yesterday was that today would be 4 weeks since Maddie was gone. She’s touched so many people’s lives. I pray every night for your family (and for Maddie). I’m so glad you posted. I’ve been checking every day since your last post. Keep writing… because we’re all here waiting and listening. Sending loves and hugs from NJ.
Alli says:
I am so sorry. I know that no words take the pain away. It is hard for many that just don’t know what to say and end up saying things that don’t help, but they think they do by saying she is in a better place. We are taught that Heaven is the most magnificent place to be where there is no hurt or pain. But we want our time on Earth with our loved ones as long as possible. I remember the odd things people said to me when I had a miscarriage. I wanted to scream at them “you don’t know what I’m going through, just shut up!” All I wanted was a hug and just say “I’m sorry”. Don’t rationalize what happened to make me better. I lost my baby. Plain and simple. I wish I was blogging when it happened to me so I had an outlet to get out what I was thinking and feeling. I am so glad you have that. You are an amazing writer. You and Heather will get through this and will be going through this the rest of your lives, together. But be open with each other with your grieving. My husband just finally had to tell me “please call your sister or best friend to talk about it. I just can’t talk about it at this moment”. That was huge and I was grateful he was so honest with me. Try it.
Hugs from TX.
Stacey says:
There isn’t a day that goes by that I do not think of your beautiful daughter and you and Heather…..
Colleen in Toronto says:
Dear Mike,
Having a daughter who was born the day before your beautiful Maddie I cannot fathom anyone saying she belongs anywhere but with me. I agree with you, Maddie belongs with you and Heather, in your arms, making you laugh, snuggling against you. It just plain sucks and I curse the universe every single day for you and Heather and all other parents who have had to face the horror of losing their child. At times like this I question how there can be a “higher power”. What kind of “God” would make children suffer and puts parents, who’s only crime was loving their child, through unimaginable pain and grief that must make you feel as if you’re dying yourself. I don’t understand this and I never will.
I truly hope you and Heather can eventually begin healing.
colleen
Kristen says:
People can do so much hurt when they’re trying to help. I’m sorry that’s been inflicted upon you, on top of your loss.
We think of you, your wife, and sweet baby every day.
Sarah @ Ordinary Days says:
Mike, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through right now. I just wanted to let you know that you, Heather and Maddie are on my mind constantly. Praying for you guys!
Jen says:
I too can’t imagine a better place for Miss Maddie than with you and Heather. Just remember that you don’t just have each other to lean on you have all of us. We luff you both to bits and pieces.
stephanie says:
Mike, I am just a stranger that has been following your sweet Maddie. I am so sorry for your pain and for the insensitive comments people make when they are trying to help. May you & Heather soon find peace in the beautiful memories of your adorable Maddie.
MBKimmy says:
I want to scream at the roof tops for you, I want to cry out and beat things. I am so so sorry… that is all I can do! I pray for you and Heather and I pray for people to know just what to say. I wish that each of us could take a little hurt and it would all go away … I wish and pray that with each day you find soemthing to comfort you. I am sorry!
Kate Coveny Hood says:
There is absolutely NO better place for her than in your arms. Holding her in your hearts will have to do. But that doesn’t help you with your empty arms. I can’t think of anything worse. I guess all you can do is assume that people mean well and ignore whatever they say.
Ms. Moon says:
I don’t think there is anything anyone can do or say to lessen this grieving you and Heather are going through. Your pain is still too fresh. And why shouldn’t it be? You lost your child.
I am amazed you can get up and go through the motions. Please don’t expect too much of yourself or of Heather.
Do what you need to do.
Know we are out here, thinking of you.
Rumour Miller says:
When you look at her, it is so hard to believe that there could ever be anything wrong in this world. I am so sorry for you loss.
ali says:
i know people are trying to help…but anyone who tells you that she’s in “a better place” should be kicked in the chode.
that’s why i only send hugs (and chocolate). because i HATE HATE HATE that Maddie isn’t with you and Heather.
Deborah says:
I think of you and Heather every day, all the way down here in Alabama. You are both loved by many people.
Sabrina says:
Mike,
I am so so so sorry for you and Heather’s loss! Your heart’s must feel so empty……I wish I had more to say to bring you both comfort! I don’t think anything could help ease this pain right now, but here are…
((((BIG HUGS)))) For the both of you!! xoxox
Hang in there any way you can~
My heart breaks for you both and your sweet baby Maddie~
Even though I have never met your family, I think of you all often……tears…..
midlifemommy says:
I am so very sorry for your pain. My heart bleeds for you and your family every time I think about it. Maddie is a beautiful little girl that has a smile that we will all hold dear. Please always post pictures of her for us to remember. As sad as I am for you, her bright face makes me smile everytime on click on one of your blogs.
suzanne says:
Thank you for sharing your grief with us — once again so eloquently. I think of you, Heather and Maddie all the time and check your blogs often for updates.
All my words of comfort seem hollow and insipid. But insipid is better than moronic and insensitive, which is how I would describe the senseless assertion that Maddie is in a better place where she is more loved. I wish you more of those moments of peace that offer a respite from your pain. I believe that you and Heather will eventually find them together. Although finding the way will surely be so hard and take a long time, I hope that you can eventually find a place of remembrance that does not hurt to visit. And as you journey to that place, I hope that the love of your family, your friends and your internet fans will help you forward.
AMomTwoBoys says:
Oh, Mike.
It’s not fucking fair. It fucking sucks and I’m so mad at the world right now I can’t stand it.
I love you. I’m here for you if you ever need someone to talk to. You know where to find me.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Jill Morino says:
I know people mean well when they say things like “She’s in a better place” but it’s really kind of an awful thing to say, isn’t it? I think of you and Heather and Maddie so often. It’s hard to believe a whole month has past, but for you guys it must feel like a lifetime some days. I don’t think anything that anyone could say could make a lick of difference in how you’re feeling, so I’m not even going to try. Just know that this online world that reached out to you a month ago is still here and still reaching out. And I hope that helps, at least a little.
Maya says:
I dont think I gave you enough hugs when I saw you. You and Heather are stronger than you know. No one can understand or comprehend why these things happen. All you can do, is carry her in your heart and know that she is with you EVERY SINGLE day.
Skye says:
The three of you, are forever in my heart.
(((( Mike ))))
samantha jo campen says:
I think about you three every single day.
You don’t have to grieve like a ninja online. Thank you for sharing with us–we’re here to listen and to support you.
ryanandjoesmom says:
one month, one week, one day, one hour, one minute, one second. she should be with you. it is not right. i don’t get it. the pain i feel is not measurable to the pain you and heather are feeling. for what it is worth, i am continuing to think of you both and hold you close in thoughts and prayers.
PsychMamma says:
Hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs. There just are no words. Whoever said the “better place” thing was obviously trying to help and comfort, but it was so, SO wrong. You & Heather are both in my thoughts, and my heart still aches for you.
Maria says:
Oh Mike. You are such a loving father. I think sometimes when people say that she is in a better place it’s part of THEIR healing process. No one can understand your healing process or what you and Heather must do to cope with this.
I think about her every day. I think about you and Heather ever day.
Sending my love.
Amanda (@mom23greatgirls) says:
Days like today and comments such as Maddie being in a better place where is more loved are what brings me to the realization that sometimes the universe just sucks and it sucks really big.
I was one of the ones who has posted for you and Heather to hold on to each other saying it in some feeble attempt at I don’t know what – some of sort solace that isn’t really findable right now? I wish that I hadn’t said it now – I wish that I had just left it with:
I’m sorry – I really really am.
CuteEllaisBold says:
People are stupid jerks sometimes. They mean well, but still, they’re stupid jerks. I think about you, Heather, and your families daily and know that my words will not take away the pain. Nothing will right now, but just know that positive thoughts are coming your way and I hope that can bring some comfort. I wish we could all shoulder this pain for you guys.
Heather @ Domestic Extraordinaire says:
I hated when people told me that after my dad passed away. I know how heart wrenching that was-I can’t even fathom what you guys are going through. Many hugs to you & Heather.
lynette says:
I hope that eventually you find peace. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you both.
Insta-Mom says:
My heart hurts for you. And my arms hurt for yours.
Loralee says:
The first month is so hard. The fallout of this is huge. It infests every single area of your life and changes it-sometimes forever, sometimes just for awhile.
People say to lean on each other because most of them know the statistics of divorce after a loss and they don’t want you to have that pain in addition to losing your baby. But few know or can articulate just how you are, um, supposed to actually pull it off. (For the reasons you stated or if your spouse has a completely different grieving style that clashes with yours) They can’t know how complicated and difficult it is to try and make something like a marriage function and work after a child dies. (Hi, 6 month separation from the fall out talking here).
Your grief is absolutely singular. It’s different than mine or anyone else who has a similar loss. It’s even singular from Heather because you are not the exact same person. It’s just the way of it. Trying to get through it and making it work with your life and relationships is a tough challenge.
And as for people and what comes out of their mouths sometimes:
It’s an unfortunate fact that many well meaning people say really thoughtless/stupid/hurtful things in an attempt and truly good need to be helpful. It is one of the shittiest parts of grief. Those that really want to say something to help and express how sorry they are about everything can make the person hurting feel so much worse because what can be comforting to one can rip another to shreds. Ugh.
I would give anything for your family to not have to know anything about all of this. To have her back. Truly.
Scary Mommy says:
I think the better place part is bullshit. There is ABSOLUTELY no better place than with you and Heather. And it’s just not fair. Thinking of you all so very much…
Jennifer says:
Mike,
My heart goes out to you. How could anyone say your child is in a better place when they know all you want is to have her in your arms. I can only imagine the pain you are feeling and how hard it is to experience that grief with Heather, the love of your life. I’m sure you want to fix her pain and she yours, and yet, you both share this huge empty space together. It’s not fair. None of this is fair.
The facade must be so tiring…I hope you are able to find some release continuing to write and sharing pictures of beautiful Maddie. We’re all here to listen and support you. Even if only virtually. And, I can’t imagine ever tiring of looking at her beautiful face.
Jennifer
Kristin says:
Yet another stranger that has been following your story.
Two years ago, I lost my mother in a very tragic accident. I got the “better place” speech a lot, and yes, it can be infuriating. But then I realized that most of the people I came in contact with had never been through my situation. They don’t know what it’s like, they don’t know how it feels. And more than anything, they just don’t know what to say to you. But they feel the need to say something, to reach out and provide some sort of comfort. So they say what they think they’re supposed to. No matter how ridiculous it sounded when it came out of their mouths, I would just smile and say thank you, and know in my heart that it was their way of reaching out to me and trying to help. (Even if I really, really don’t agree.)
Kat says:
I’ve been reading – before/during/now. I’ve only been lurking, because I’ve no clue what to say.
But I just got a tweet from amomtwoboys talking about you and viral hugs, and I do have one of those for you, but I will try not to sneeze.
You are such strong strong people.
Kat
KellyMc says:
Continually thinking about you, Heather, and Maddie. Wishing things didn’t have to be this way. Many hugs…
kristin says:
Sending grace and hugs from Atlanta. Robert Frost said “the only way out is through.” Right now you’re going through and eventually you will get past, or OUT, of the eye of this grief. The loss of Maddie will stay with you but the grief will cease to be as intense. I’m wishing you a speedy “through” and a peaceful “out.”
Lindsey says:
I don’t have any words….except fuck. Sorry, that is the only one I can come up with. Your posts are amazing. We are here, we will listen, we will help in any way we can. Your blog is one place you can come when you can’t hold it together. I can imagine the anger is unbearable so let it out, here if you need to. We will listen.
tara says:
mike, i don’t have the words except to say that i am so so so so sorry. it sucks, it’s unfair, and the universe is an asshole. i am another stranger whose world has been forever changed by maddie, and i am always out here, thinking of you, heather, maddie. sending every bit of love and strength i have to you. there are so many of us, out here, wrapping you and heather in hugs. every day, all day.
Amanda says:
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.
-From a headstone in Ireland
April says:
I strongly recommend finding a therapist, one that you can really trust. My parents lost a child 37 years ago (it’s why I’m here today). In those days, not as much was understood about the grieving process, and therapy was definitely not an option they would consider. I think it took 20 years for them. Not that they don’t miss her still, but there was a breakthrough on about the 20th anniversary that freed them in a way where I visibly saw a difference.
You have every reason to be sad and mad and all the rest of it. And you and Heather need someone else to help you through this because you two, while you will cling to each other, simply can’t be your only anchors right now.
I can’t believe it’s been a month.
denise says:
Mike –
I agree – you should be allowed to mourn how you want to, how you need to. Sometimes people just want to say things that they think will make you feel better – problem is, it makes them feel better – not you. I know she is a beautiful angel watching over you – and I want that to make you feel better to give you a different vision that the one that’s burned into your brain. I think there are thousands of people who would gladly take a piece of the pain away from you and Heather if they could.
I think it’s okay for you guys to be mad too – I am mad for you – mad at God. It’s not fair, you guys did everything right and this horrible thing still happened to you.
You guys will never be the same again, and that is something everyone is going to have to learn to deal with. It doesn’t mean that you’ll never start feeling better – you will one day because the human spirit is resilient – but you will be different.
Many hugs and hearts to you and Heather . . .
. . . . from San Antonio
cindy w says:
I think some people are just socially retarded (and I’m not using “retard” as a slang insult, I mean retarded in that their social skills are stunted in some way). They try to say something to comfort you (like Maddie is in a better place now) and all it does is either make you feel worse or just flat-out angry. They have good intentions, of course, but the message comes out all wrong.
I can’t believe it’s been a month either. I’m so, so sorry. Sending lots of hugs and prayers to you and Heather.
Jodee says:
Just sending you a really big (( HUG)))) and lots of love…..
kristen says:
mike…we are so very, deeply sorry. i’ve posted on your wife’s blog a few times, but wanted to let you know that a small family in connecticut really cares about you. maddie’s pictures share a story of happiness, love, personality, and joy…
i just posted on heather’s site, but figured i’d share it here, too, in your own space. when my best friend’s husband died suddenly last year leaving her with their four young boys, this quote often came to mind…
“the greatest gift you’ll ever earn
Is just to love
And be loved in return”
You and Heather and Maddie shared this precious gift with one another for an amazing 17 months. While it was far, far too short, the gift was yours—given and received daily—and you loved each other openly, adoringly, and selflessly. Nobody can ever take that away from you. And that loving never ends.
xxoo
Lisa says:
Oh, Mike. I just can’t even begin to imagine how terribly hard this is for you and Heather. Know that I’m thinking about you constantly and sending virtual hugs your way today and everyday.
Amy says:
I think it is so easy for people to say things like “she is in a better place”. People want to fix problems, make the grieving feel better… most things are said with the best of intentions but they are things that should not be said at that moment. I am not a very religious person but I do believe in Heaven. I like to thinbk it is a better place but at this moment in time, you are 100% right. There is no better place for your sweet Maddie other than in yours and Heather’s arms. She should be here right now, enjoying the day, making you smile, doing the things that you were used to doing on a daily basis. My heart aches for you and your wife. I think of you both every single day. I truly wish there was something tangible I could do to help ease the pain. I will continue to keep you, Heather and Maddie in my heart.
Amy in Oregon says:
Heartbreaking to read Mike. Your courage in sharing your raw emotions with the world is amazing. I have never been through what you have, and I won’t pretend to understand any of it. Maddie belongs with you and Heather, in your arms and no one else’s. It doesn’t make any type of sense and it is never going to be fair or right.
I can honestly say, knowing myself and how I react, that I would have FREAKED OUT, if someone had said those words to me. Meaning well or not, it is insensitive and people should keep their mouth’s shut if they don’t know what to say.
I do know, that I hope you keep writing and sharing. You are amazing!
Amy
Oregon
Patti B. says:
Thinking of you both and hoping and praying for some peace in your hearts…I hope you don’t find this poem insensitive – I lost someone recently and it was in a card I received…but…it kind of took me to you and Heather and your Maddie. I hope you find any tiny amount of comfort in it. I know they are just words though… Thinking of you all the days.
A loved one is a treasure of the heart,
and to lose a loved one is like losing a piece of yourself.
But the love that this person brought you did not leave,
for the essence of the soul lingers.
It cannot escape your heart, for it has been there forever.
Cling to the memories and let them find a way to heal you.
The love and laughter, the joy in the togetherness you shared,
will make you strong.
You’ll come to realize that your time together, no matter how long,
was meant to be, and that you were blessed to have such a precious
gift of love in your life.
Keep your heart beating with the loving memories,
and trust in your faith to guide you through.
Know that though life moves on, the beauty of love
stays behind to surround and embrace you.
Your loved one has left you that…to hold in your heart forever.
Debbie Burton-Peddle, Author
Tami says:
My heart breaks for you and Heather. What happened to Maddies was not fair.She had the right to be with her parents, she was loved and she was happy. I can not imagine what it is like to loose a child. When I read your blog and Heathers, I could just sit and cry. .I try to keep my faith every day but when something like this happens it is hard. It just isnt fair and I am so sorry for your loss of your sweet Maddie..My thought and prayers will contiue to be with you both.
Hugs,
KayKay says:
I can’t even begin to imagine the pain. I would be so angry. It’s just not fair. I don’t think I could handle ninja…I would want to break things, just run around like a mad lunatic screaming at the top of my lungs. I might even kick a pigeon just because they are there and look like they are asking for it.
Rachel says:
I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I have never been in this situation (fortunately), and just the thought of being there makes me cry. I wandered over to your Flickr last night around 1AM and found myself trying to place myself in your situation, then quickly retreated when I found tears streaming down my face. Then I realized that you can’t retreat like I did, which made me cry even more.
I remembered reading your blog a year ago and smiling at every Maddie story and picture you put up, thinking how lucky she was to have such an awesome daddy who loves her SO MUCH. You could literally see the love shining from those beautiful eyes and contagious smile. You know she learned that from you and Heather. You gave her more love in her short life than many children experience in a lifetime. Considering you were home with her for the first part of her life, she got WAY more Daddy time than most babies. If God is in charge, he must have wanted her to really know her Daddy.
Mike, I don’t know what to tell you, other than let yourself feel what you need to feel to get through this. Its okay to hide it to the point so you can function but sometimes you will not be able to function. And that is okay. It is to be expected. From what other people have said, it seems as though one day the happy memories you have will bring a smile to your face, instead of tears. Until then, embrace your feelings and each other, even though it hurts. I agree with April, find a grief counselor if you haven’t already. I’m sure they’re more qualified to help you through this, considering they help people in your situation daily. It may help ease the burden a little, especially so you and Heather have someone else to talk to besides each other.
All my love to you both,
Rachel
Bridget says:
(((hugs)))
badassdad05 says:
Better place? It would be very hard for me not to hit someone who said that to me. She should be with you, and she’s not, and that sucks more than anything should ever be allowed to suck. From afar you and Heather both look to be doing everything you need to do, and with more grace than I could muster. But don’t let that become a burden. If some days you want to tell the world to fuck off, you have every right. If on the other hand you need to reach out and don’t want to invite Heather or others close to you into your dark place, I know I’m not alone in offering to go there with you if someone a little further removed would be easier to unload on. We are here for you if you need us.
Alison says:
I KNOW that the best place for Maddie is in your arms. I think people need realize that saying those types of things will NOT make you stop missing Maddie or wishing she was here. I think they are also trying to comfort themselves, if that makes sense.
And anyone who thinks that because you and Heather have each other, this will be easy? They have NO idea what they are talking about. It is still really really freaking hard. No matter what.
Hugshugshugs.
PS: I cried when Heather tweeted that “I love my husband @newbornidentity. He is my rock and my life.” I wished, and still do, that you guys could be each other’s strength during sleepless nights and long days because of Maddie, not sleepless nights and long days because she’s not here.
Anna Marie says:
I totally agree Mike – it is total bullshit to tell a parent that a child is “better off” or “in a better place”. I want to slap people who say that. A child belongs with the parents who love her. I’m so sorry that all this is happening – there is just nothing fair about it.
I can’t believe it’s been a month.
Hugs.
BeanMama says:
My husband and I think of you and Heather constantly. If we could carry you through we would. Instead we pray and send love in the only way we know how.
sam {temptingmama} says:
I agree. There is NO better place for a child than with their parent. I am so very sorry. It’s hard to know what to say that is appropriate sometimes. It’s hard not knowing what to say sometimes because I think whatever I may say could come out wrong and the last thing I ever want to do is upset either you or Heather.
You’re both in my thoughts constantly and I wish nothing but strength for you two.
*hugs*
Mary @ Holy Mackerel says:
I’m so very sorry. I cannot imagine how difficult this has got to be for both of you.
I’ve come close to losing a child, but we were lucky enough that he made it through. I know the fear of the possibility, but I cannot even begin to fathom the grief once it’s happened.
You are both in my thoughts.
And yes, I have to say that people will sometimes say things, thinking that it should make you feel better, when in fact you probably want to whack them upside the head. People did that to us when our son was so ill, things like, “Well, god only gives you what you can handle.” What? I still don’t know what that means.
Take care of yourselves, and I hope the days get a little easier for you soon.
Erin says:
Its not like you lost your keys or got lost trying to find your destination.
Everyone says “loss” like you didn’t gain something.
You gained a beautiful daughter. You gained a mile wide smile. You gained a heart that exploded with love. You gained memories you’ll never loose. Because of what you gained, you (and Heather) will never be the same.
Please know you two have gained a TON of friends, supporters and prayers.
Yolanda says:
Mike –
Good afternoon. I think about you and Heather daily. Please know that love and hugs are being sent your way.
Dina says:
I agree with one of the commenters above who said that people sometimes say insensitive things because they think they are being helpful. But words like that hurt, especially when you are feeling emotionally vulnerable.
I hope that through your writing (which, like Heather’s, is so beautiful) you can feel like you don’t have to grieve like a ninja. There are so many people who care, even those of us who never met you, Heather, or Maddie in person.
It is so, so, so, unfair. I am really sorry that Maddie was only with you for 17 months. But what joyous and LOVED times she had!
It is good that you and Heather are each grieving in your own way and time. I hope for the very best for you in your life together.
Again, I am so sorry. I wish I had magic words, or powers really, to make things all better. Right now.
Jamie says:
You know, people say thoughtless things in regards to grief all the time. They mean well, but they don’t understand how those words will wcho in your head. Heaven probably IS a better place, if you believe in it (I do) but no one, not God or anyone, will love Maddie like you and Heather did.
Two years ago today my Mom passed away. Anniversaries and “milestone” dates are usually something you dread. Sometimes they live up to the fear you had and a lot of times they don’t. It depends. Christmas wasn’t so bad for me, but New Years Eve was horrible (I’m probably weird but it was heartbreaking that when the new year rang in it would see a year when my Mom hadn’t lived on this earth. Saying a few months ago or this May didn’t seem so long as last year).
I dreaded my Mom’s first year anniversary and it was kind of anti-climatic. We were okay. A little sad, but it wasn’t the mess I thought it was. Today feels the same way, kind of sad, remembering, but not paralyzed like i’m always afraid I will be.
You and Heather love each other so much. You love Maddie so much. It’s so hard, but I know you two will get by. Different, but intact.
Emily says:
One thing I can attest to is that when people are grieving, other people try to make them feel better by saying what they think should make them feel better. While I do believe that God is real and that He loves Maddie and I do believe that she’s happy and joyful, I don’t expect that to make you feel better right now. It wouldn’t make me feel better if I lost my child. I think it would eventually help to realize that Goodbye doesn’t have to be forever, but that doesn’t make the goodbye any easier. My heart is breaking for you and Heather in ways that just doesn’t seem real, especially since I’ve never met you. I cry for you every day, sometimes multiple times. I hope and pray for peace for you both, even if just for small moments, peace that calms your heart and lets you rest a little.
annie says:
A better place? Even for a person with a strong Catholic faith, that’s very difficult for me to reconcile. I do know, however, that Maddie is now healthy and well and free of those preemie lungs. My daughter reminded that Maddie isn’t sick anymore as we prayed for you and Heather last week at bedtime. That, I do believe and maybe it will help you both, eventually.
Kely says:
My close friends lost their son. Watching them go through the incredibly painful grieving process has been so hard. I totally understand what you mean by how hard it can be for you and Heather to lean on each other. I witnessed them going through the same thing. It’s as if they were making an effort to not cry while the other was crying. They work so hard to be there for their other childrem. They work so hard to be there for their parents, the friends, their childs friends and loved ones who come by to see them. I watched them face every awkward moment and gracefully nod during the crazy comments that well intentioned people would say to them. I watched the Dad sit quietly by while, again well intentioned, people would only see the Mother’s pain, ignoring the fact that he was hurting too. I heard people give advice to the Mom to stop sleeping in her childs bed and the awful ‘words of wisdom’ from people who never went through anything like the loss of a child. To the people who say that their child is in a better place just can not understand the emptiness of a world without their child. I pray for them everyday, as I pray for you and Heather. I pray that the small peaceful moments become a little longer and more frequent.
Jennifer says:
Well I am crying again at work. I am sorry. People say things like, “God will only give you what you can handle” (which is crap), and “she is in a better place” because they are desperate to make you feel better. When we were told Jude “will probably not ever talk, or walk, and will probably pass away in early childhood” I was furious. A family member tried to console me with religious view points. Even though I am Christian it was NOT what I wanted to hear at the time, and I nicely kicked her out. I then yelled at everyone else, and threw them out of the room. I explained that I was selfish and wanted Jude with ME! So far Jude has done well, but I still get very angry he is disabled, and will never be normal. It is OKAY to be angry, and it’s ok to want Maddie with you. Why the Heck wouldn’t you want her with you?? I don’t think the pain of losing a child ever diminishes, but I hope with time it will be easier to bear. As always you and Heather are in my thoughts.I do firmly believe that our loved ones watch over us. I know she is holding your hand even though you cannot feel it.
Katherine says:
Man, people say really stupid things to grieving people sometimes… I think they just don’t know what to say. Nobody wants to believe that sometimes people we love just get sick and die for no reason (I believe there’s always a proximate cause, but that’s not the same as a reason!) I don’t know what to say either, except I’m so very sorry you and your wife are going through this.
Stefanie says:
So many comment and so many helpful and supportive words from people. But none of it can take away what you’re dealing with. I just want to be another voice to say we’re here listening and I do know that writing somehow helps. So keep writing and we’ll all keep reading. We love you.
Kim says:
Mike,
i read your blog as well as heathers. i just wanted to say that i have cryed almost everyday, thinking of your family. with a daughter just two months older than maddie moo, my throat closes and i wish i could come and take care of you and heather. cook for you, clean for you, walk the dog. this is so unjust and unfair and there is no better place for a child than in their parents loving arms and home. babies belong at home. i will continue to read and cry. and when people make stupid remarks trying to comfort you, just now that im here behind my computer flipping them off, looking at maddies beautiful face on flickr and crying for you. big giant hugs from the cyber world
Kim
Scott says:
Mike –
Karri and I think of you and Heather all the time. We wish there was more we could do to help or be there for you both. All of you are in our hearts and prayers.
If you need anything at all we are here for you.
As long as it is helping you both, please keep wowing the world with your amazing strength and eloquence in grieving so publicly. I truly hope getting your feelings down is helping in some way.
Scott
nic @mybottlesup.com says:
mike… like so many of your comments start, “you don’t know me,” but i have commented and twittered with heather. our walk for maddie was this past weekend in baltimore. i just posted about you guys on my blog tonight, and it’s taken me days to figure out how to write that.
i just wanted to say… fuck. i’m sorry. i’m really fucking sorry.
Heather says:
I only know you and Heather by your tragedy, but I honestly think of you both everyday. Reading about Maddie and seeing her beautiful photos has touched me more than I can describe. The love you have for little Maddie is larger than life. From what I can see of her, she was a wonderfully happy baby and that can only be attributed to having wonderful parents.
Your story has made me hold my own daughters a little bit tighter and cherish my time with them all the more.
Thank you for sharing your life and your grief and I hope that knowing so many people are thinking of you, Heather and Maddie can help make those dark moments a little less painful.
Bless all of you.
leena says:
I think this is probably the firt time that i have told someone that i am thinking of them and i really am- every day, through out the day. I can barely bear the pain i feel when i read you and your wife’s postings or think about what you must be enduring so no i can’t even begin to imagine what it is like to experience it.
You know it’s funny that you wrote this post today, because just last night i was thinking how effed up it is that your maddie is gone. it is, in every way, wrong to me- but at the same time the out pouring of love that is being sent to you makes me see and feel goodness in a new way and of all things, reaffirms my faith in God. I think so many ppl that come to your site are just like me. We somehow stumled upon some strangers but suddenly we care so much about them and their pain. We’re hoping, praying and rooting for you both seperatly and together and for your marriage and for your family.
Your baby does belong in your arms and sometimes when i think of you both i actually try and will her back to life even though i know it’s not possible but i hate thinking of the pain and emptiness you two are feeling.
my husband has been asking me what i want for mother’s day, up until now i have had no idea. tonight i will tell him to make a donation to the march of dimes in honor of heather and maddie.
Thank you once again for sharing everything and for being so raw
Kellie says:
I’ve tried to put myself in your’s and Heather’s places; tried to imagine even an ounce of the ache and loss you feel and I can’t. I simply can’t do it.
I wrote this on Heather’s blog last week that ever since Maddie passed away, everytime I feel my patience dwindling with my 3 year old or when I find myself raising my voice over something that doesn’t even matter, I think of you guys. I think “what they wouldn’t give to deal with a tantrum right now”. It’s helped me to be a better parent.
I have no words to comfort either of you nor do I think anything I say WOULD comfort you. Just know you and your wife are thought of daily by so many people; people you will never meet.
I agree with that that there is no better place for Maddie than in the arms of her parents and she can’t be loved any stronger or better than by the two of you. I would do anything to take away a fraction of the pain you both feel and I’m sorry I can’t do that.
My husband asked me tonight if I wanted the “usual” for Mother’s Day. I told him no. This year, I wanted something different. I asked him to take the money he would be spending on me and donate it to the March of Dimes in honor of your beautiful baby girl.
Minute by minute. Hour by hour. Day by day. That’s all you can do.
Queila says:
Unfortunatelly, it does matter.
Please do not let anyone convince that it was God’s purpurse to take your child away. There is no place in the Bible that indicates that God “needs extra angles in heaven” or that he causes innocent children to die just so they can live in a better place. God put humans on Earth. He does NOT take them away. And by reading the Bible I have personally learned that one day we will get the chance to be reunited with loved ones who have passed away right here on Earth.
I am so sorry. By no means my intention is to pop here to “preach” to you. I have been following your story for a while and it has deeply moved me. I have a little daughter myself who was born 10 days after your Maddie. For the past couples of weeks I have been consumed with her story. I think of our little Maddie many times at the course of my day and whenever I think of your pain I run out of breath.
I know people have good intentions when they come up with stories like that but, seriously, who can love God when he is pictured like this? God wanted your daughter to be in your arms right now and one day, you will.
My sympathy,
Q
Gretchen says:
Tomorrow will mark 18 years since my 7 year old son was killed in a car accident. I still miss him every single day, but time has lessened the pain.
Other people don’t know what to say, they say what they think should be comforting, but for anyone to say that Matt was better off anywhere but in my arms was infuriating. I have come to accept that he is where he is supposed to me, as am I, as much as I hate that they are not the same place.
The death of a child plays havoc on a marriage, for exactly the reason you mentioned you are not grieving the same at the same times. Keep remembering how much you love each other, how much both of you love Maddie, and how much Maddie loves each of you. Cry when you need to cry, laugh when you need to laugh, and love like there may not be a tomorrow. Let time and love work.
My prayers and hugs are with you and Heather.
andi says:
Oh, Mike. You’ve explained it all so well. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be – this grieving together, yet separately. I’m so sorry that you both have to go through this.
I realize that people have good intentions when they say shit like that, but seriously? It pisses me off. You are so right – she belongs with you. You and Heather are amazing parents that loved Maddie with all your hearts. I can’t think of a better place for any child to be than with people like that.
Love to you and Heather.
Kristin Smith says:
It is so easy for those who have not felt such a lost to say things like “she is in a better place.” They just cannot simply understand what you are going through and just want to provide comfort. I am one of those that feels her best place was in your arms, as she was taken way too soon. Hugs and prayers go out to you and Heather, today and always.
jeannine says:
i donated to children’s miracle network today at Costco. In honor of Maddie. And as long as they have the balloons there, each time i pay i’ll keep on doing it.
Becky says:
I hate platitudes. I especially hate platitudes the deal with trying to comfort someone who is grieving with trite statements. Maddie’s place is with you. Period. It sucks hard. And it takes away from what is going on with YOU now. I feel like it minimizes what you’re going through in an effort to give you comfort, you’re really just being told that you shouldn’t be sad.
I’ve dealt with a lot of death and a lot of loss and I’ve come to the conclusion that people say shit like that (can I say shit on your blog? Sorry, Heather knows me and I have a terrible potty mouth) to make themselves feel better. Because to open yourself up and to REALLY feel what you’ve had taken away from you opens a chasm of despair and anguish. I always feel like they’re trying to comfort themselves under the guise of comforting you. That’s bullshit. Well intentioned, sure, but bullshit nonetheless.
I want so badly to take away your pain. Both of you. I wish like crazy that I could.
Love to you, Heather and Maddie.
Al_Pal says:
I’m so sad for your pain. I have been thinking of you & Heather & Maddie every day of this time, since I saw the news.
I agree there is no place better than loving parents’ arms for children. I’m sorry that people hurt you in their misguided attempts to comfort you.
*HUGS* to you.
elismsue says:
Mike,
I am glad you are writing about the pain, your loss and your feelings. We ARE listening and sending…..
purple hugs and kisses,
Sue
ShellyD says:
Mike, it is all so fucked up and I’m sorry. I think of Maddie and you guys often.
Kelly says:
We spoke of you at dinner tonight… my husband and I, who will likely never know you and do not know your pain. I believe in a sovereign God and I believe in Heaven, but just an hour ago I said, “How can God hurt His children this way?” I don’t understand it. I also wish Maddie was still in your arms. I have to believe she *is* happy where she is, but that does not make anything here better.
I only pray that in time you and Heather can feel love and peace and joy again.
I am sure people mean well when they say those things. Sometimes it’s better just not to say anything.
Trish says:
I agree with you. There is no “better” place for Maddie than with you and Heather. And I too can’t imagine anyone who would love her “more” than you and Heather do. I can only imagine the pain you are going through. You’re being so strong for each other, but it can’t be easy to hold up under this. I wish there were something I could say – some way to fix it, but no one can fix this. It sucks and we can’t do anything about it.
People who say things like that have the best of intentions, I’m sure. But I don’t think they’re right. I don’t think God took your child for some purpose. The world is a most imperfect place and sometimes, horrible things happen for no reason. It just shouldn’t have happened. And I wish there were some way to return her to your arms, where she belongs.
All you can do is what’s best for you guys. No one knows what’s most comforting for you, or what you really need right now. Grief is a very personal thing. We take a stab at being comforting, but some folks are bound to miss the mark.
I know it doesn’t make you miss Maddie any less. But I do believe that someday, you guys will be reunited; and somehow, it will seem that you were never even apart. But for now, it’s just going to suck, and all the good intentions in the world won’t change that.
I’m truly so very sorry for your loss and pain. Grieve in your own way, in your own time. You can’t do more than that.
Alexis says:
Hi Mike,
I’m not at all for faith and God. When I had kids, it made me less religious, and more in awe of humans. In a totally different way, reading your posts has put me back in awe, at the incredible amount of strength and courage you and Heather have. We would all give you a pass if you never got out of bed again. None of us can really know your grief, but with so many of us brought to tears by our third-hand experience of it, I know it’s staggering. And yet. And yet you can keep on, and you’re funny, and you’re writing, and you’re able to offer to support to someone else in a dark time. You should’ve never had to find out how much you can handle. You should’ve never had to hear anyone suggest, even in the kindest way, that your baby should be anywhere else. But, it is no small surprise that you and Heather are so, so much more. You and she created that spark, that perfect girl, who brought out the best in everyone.
Alexis
Dan says:
Mike, I too am so sad for your loss. I think about you guys and Maddie all the time and just can’t even begin to fathom the pain you’re going through. It’s devastating just to try to imagine it.
About the comments, I agree that people really do just want to say something to you guys that gives you a little comfort. I just wish some people would really think more carefully about what they’re saying first. Just know that they do mean well and I’m sure we’d all take a piece of your grief and carry it for you if we could.
Much love to you and Heather.
Amanda says:
You’re right when you say that there is no better place for Maddie than with you and Heather. A few clicks through your archives make it clear that you did the best possible job of parenting her. I know sometimes as parents, we feel as if we really lucked out if our child is exceptionally happy, bright, and/or well-behaved, but the truth is, it takes effort to make any of that happen. Your Maddie was all of that and so much more. It’s so wrong that she’s not with you. I’m so sorry.
Noelle says:
So many people have commented that “there are no words” to describe your unimaginable loss…and those that can’t stand to sit by helplessly utter trite statements in hope that they may bring you some comfort. I believe comfort is the intention of people who make seemingly thoughtless statements. They just don’t know what to say. They say what they wish was true.
I don’t have the right words, so I will just continue to send love, light, and prayers your way.
jenni says:
Gee, I’m like commentor one million…
anyways, who are these poeple who say she’s in a better place? I hate that. Probably the same people that say time heals all wounds. I don’t know if you can fully heal from losing a part of your heart. It’s good you and Heather have each other.
Rebecca says:
time goes by so slowly when you are grieving. i found after one of my twin boys was stillborn that there was a feeling after a while that you should just get on with it. that your grief (particularly that of my husbands) was no longer socially acceptable. well i say bollocks to that.
and as for maddie being in a better place, i’m sorry i believe it takes a pretty insensitive person to say that to a grieving parent no matter what their intentions maybe. i learned in the year since Findlay died to hold my tongue often as folks let out clangers like that. the death of a child is something many people feel unable to discuss without tumbling into hallmark greetings. please save a grieving parent that kind of trash.
my husband and i found it tough to have our grieving going on unevenly. from what i have read of both your blogs you have friends & family on the ground who will support you through, your blogs to help get those feelings off your chest and of course your friends and readers from around the world on the internet who are trying to reach out to you as best they can. i hope you can take some comfort from that.
a month is such a blink ago. i’m still reeling from the news.
Bonnie says:
Of course, if Maddie were given the choice she wouldn’t hesitate to be right back with you and Heather.
Thinking about you and Heather and sending you thoughts of strength.
merlotmom says:
Wow, Mike. I wish I could say something to make your pain go away. I know I can’t. I know that’s totally impossible. I still wish just the same. Of course Maddie’s best place was with you and Heather. I can make no sense of why she was taken from the two of you. It’s non-sensical. I am so sorry for your pain. I can only offer you my heart and my company which you can have any time you wish. My love to you and Heather.
amanda says:
I don’t think anyone, of this world or otherwise, could love Maddie more than you or Heather. Maybe just as much – but not more.
I can see why people would say you and Heather should lean on each other – but I can 100 million percent understand why that is a VERY hard thing to do, for the exact reasons you said. I think it’s very important for you to support each other, of course, but also lean on your other family members and friends and support network. People WANT to help both of you – there is no reason you should have to rely only on each other to keep each other standing up.
I think of Maddie all the time – especially now that the purple lilacs are coming out – they always make me think of her.
xo from CT,
Amanda
lenora in san diego says:
Mike,
I only heard about your family recently through Matt Logelin’s site. You’ve been on my mind a lot since then. I’ve only had a chance to read a couple of your archives since I’ve been reading Heather’s first (and they really like it if I actually do some work at work). The more I’ve read, it feels like the more I get to know you; you seem like people that I would really like if I met you in real life and it makes me even sadder thinking about your sweet Maddie. I’m so sorry for your loss. I think the reason that people say stupid things is because it’s so hard to know what to say and really there is nothing that is going to help. Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and I hope the pain lessens some. Please take care of yourself and Heather.
Michele says:
With tears dripping onto my computer, I want to again say how sorry I am for the pain you and your wife are feeling. I only began reading your blog and Heather’s blog after hearing about the loss of your daughter on other parent blogs. It is so clear how much both you and your wife love and admire Madeline. Also clear is that you and Heather love each other and are taking care of each other, even when your grieving isn’t on the same level at the same time. Your ability to write so eloquently about this most terrible time in your life is incredible. Please know that I think of and pray for you and your family everyday, especially when I see purple flowers – which in the last month seem to be everywhere…
Take care, Michele in Staten Island, NY
amanda says:
I just wanted to add a “PS” to say I do not that there is a better place anywhere for Maddie to be than with you and Heather. And it sucks beyond reason that she isn’t anymore (stating the obvious, obviously.)
Connie says:
Dear Mike,
Be careful with your heart. Hiding your grief may end up causing you even greater distress later on. Consider seeing someone to talk about how you’re feeling. Writing is fabulous, but sometimes seeing someone can help with solutions as well.
As for leaning on each other, we just want you two to be ok. You’re such a loving couple, admirable.
You’re loved.
Connie
Tela says:
This makes me so incredibly sad. I wish there was SOMETHING I could do. If only I could absorb the “dark place” for you and Heather so you could have some peace together for a few moments.
Like the legions of others, I only started reading your (and Heather’s) blog after I heard about Madeline’s passing. And now I can’t tear myself away.
I also don’t think there is any better place for Madeline to be than with you and Heather. While I’m sure she is loved and cared for wherever she is, no one could love her more than you two.
Dixie says:
I wish people could understand that “I’m so sorry” is usually enough. All our other attempts to make you, and people in your place, feel better usually don’t and are often inappropriate. Just know that people you know and many you do not care greatly about you and wish you peace.
Duchess/Jenn says:
delurking…
I have read so many comments to you and Heather over the last few weeks and every time I read the “better place” I cringed and became frustrated. That better place BS is somewhat like telling an infertile it just isn’t meant to be or relax.
When my dad died I was about 13 and people would say that to me or “I’m so sorry” I would reply “What the hell are you sorry for? Did you kill him? Do you have to live without him? No you get to just go home and shelve this as one more fact you know about me, I have to live with IT.” I was a loud brat what can I say. It is a natural evolution, parents passing. No parent should EVER out-live their child/ren.
I said this on Heather’s site too. I wish I could help carry some of the hurt or at least get you both drunk or give you a room full of china and let you smash every last piece of it, I would even take the morning shift for both of you if I could (I called the first 20 seconds when I woke up in the morning and reality crashed back in the morning mourning shift, I was also a witty brat, those were the worst 20 seconds of my day sometimes but I would take that for you guys).
Grieving fucking sucks.
Jackie says:
Love you Mike!
Noreen says:
Mike,
My heart breaks for you and Heather, and your families, as you face the incredible loss of Maddie. No one who hasn’t been through it themselves can understand the depth of the despair you walk in every moment.
God did not take Maddie from you – something in her body stopped working as it needed to sustain her life. God is crying and raging right along with you – and is so deeply sad that she is not with you. A book that may help is “When Bad Things Happen to Good People” – it shows God to be compassionate and loving, and not one who would take beloved children from their parents.
Be weak as often as you need to – you don’t need to be strong like everyone tells you. Do what you need to do.
Karla says:
I have lost multiple babies to miscarriage and I have lost my oldest sister unexpectedly when she was only 38. I have experienced enough to know I can’t begin to imagine the hole in your heart that you now have to learn to live with. I pray for peace. I wish I could do more to help you.
Maggie says:
I am so terribly sorry you and your wife lost that beautiful little girl of yours. I cannot imagine the pain of losing your child. I do, however, understand the pain of losing loved ones.
I’d like to comment on insensitive comments from well-meaning people, and idiots and, with any luck, I won’t come across sounding like one of them.
I took care of my folks in their home. Just me. And, they both died in their home, with my mother going last (in 2006), and in my arms. Just the two of us. My only living sibling walked in about 10 minutes after our mother died and said ‘Well, this is what we’ve been waiting for’. My reaction was ‘What the fuck are you talking about?!?!’ I wanted to rip his vocal cords out through his nose. Still pisses me off. I had just spent three and a half years trying to keep them alive, and here her son was, saying he had been waiting for her death. Now, people have told me he ‘didn’t mean it that way’, but that doesn’t take the sting out of his words. And, like you, people told me, as each of them died, ‘they’re in a better place’. Well, they might be, but I kinda wanted them to stick around here for a while longer. People also say ‘time makes a difference’. Uh huh.
A cousin of mine came over one day, not long after Mom died. I was telling her all of this, and how annoying it was. She had lost her husband about five years earlier. Briefly, high school sweethearts, married for 35 years, motorcycle, lost control, dead. People kept telling her she needs to get out. She said she didn’t want to go out. Told her she’s still young. She said he’ll always be young now. Told her she should stop grieving, and ‘get on with her life’. She said he was her life. Finally, she said her grief was private, and people needed to butt out. And, that’s what she tells people.
Another cousin lost his wife to brain cancer. He was her sole caregiver. Tried his damnedest to keep her alive. He said ‘No one understands til they’ve been through it’. I believe that’s an eternal truth.
I guess the bottom line is this. We’ll get over it/move on/get out more/stop grieving/and do whatever else the well-meaning or the idiots think we should be doing, when we can. Or, maybe we won’t.
As cousin #1 and #2 said, our grief is private, and people won’t understand until they’ve gone through it. It’s one minute at a time. Wax on, wax off. Breathe in, breathe out. We don’t need to feel guilty, or in some way inadequate, as we stumble blindly through our grief.
More likely than not, we don’t think they’re ‘in a better place’, right now. We didn’t stop loving them. We haven’t stopped missing them. We haven’t stopped crying for them. And, we don’t stop thinking about them. Chances are pretty damned good we won’t. Ever.
Right now, all you and Heather have to do is figure out how to get through your days, one minute at a time. Breathe in, breathe out. Wax on, wax off.
I do apologize for the length of my post, and I sincerely hope not one word of it was offensive to you. Please know you and Heather are in my thoughts, and my prayers.
Lisa says:
I am so sorry for you loss, I know the kind of grief you are going through and I know the struggles you are going through. Its hard to explain to others what you are going through and describe the kind of pain you are feeling, but know there are many out there who do understand what you are feeling and we are praying for you and your wife during this time.
suzy says:
Heather & Mike,
I only found your blogs once Maddie had passed away but you have both described her so intensely that it seems you have captured her in most ways. I know it is impossible for me to say so not having met her. But the pictures of you with her and the videos of her trying to get your attention to see things she was interested in are absolutely amazing to watch – to see her intensity and her strong strong spirit – you are right that she was very wise beyond her chronilogical age. I have often wanted to write you to tell you i’m sending you all my best and to tell you how courageous i think both of you are to share your experience so that others might know Maddie and appreciate their own lives more and give more to help the March of Dimes. But your description of grieving together – that when one of you is not well and the other wants to help, that it is so hard for the one in the good place to leave and go into the dark place. What a great way to explain that and how lucky you are to have eachother – understanding what is going on – that when you find it too hard to go into the dark place it is not because you don’t love the other but because you fear being taken under yourself – it sounds like you have lots and lots of people around you who love you and want to care for you -hopefully you will both lean on them too. And i wholeheartedly agree that it is RIDICULOUS to say or believe that Maddie was taken to be wtih someone or something that will love her more than you two….that person should be pitied for their lack of understanding – lack of experience. They may have meant the best but hopefully you can replace that thought with everyone else’s thoughts that obviously you and Heather loved Maddie most deeply – there is no sense to make of this – I will continue to send you all my best –
Michele says:
I would hate the world. Wallow in my sorrow. And cry every day. I don’t know how you get the energy to move. I feel such sadness for you and Heather, and so helpless. I wish I was Samantha on Bewitched and could make it all better. If I had one wish I would give it to you. But I have no special powers, so I can only say I am so sorry, and pray that some how your pain will ease with time.
Kristy says:
Mike,
My husband and I lost our son almost ten months ago. I can remember my husband and I sitting in the doctors’ office holding hands. (We were so “together ” in our grief at that moment) She answered all of our questions. Explained what was going to happen to our son. Her last comment to us was,” You are both going to grieve totally different and completely separate.” Then she left.
We sat in the room to compose ourselves and I can remember both he and I saying how full of shit she was. Who the hell did she think she was to tell us that we were not going to grieve the death of OUR son the same? Who was SHE to basically tell us that we would grow apart amidst our grief? She doesn’t know us! She has no clue who we are!
And….about a month later? We got it.
He was quiet. He didn’t cry. ( At least, not that I ever saw)He slept seemingly peaceful at night. He didn’t stay home because HE was afraid to leave our sons ashes all alone in the house. He could sit down and eat his meals. He could call his friends and talk about the weather or the basketball game. WHO the hell cared about the weather? Or the basketball game? I hated him Mike! I really did! I could not understand how he could not hurt the way I did. It had to have been that he just didn’t love our son as much as I did. I really had myself convinced of that for a long time.
And the day we started healing together? As a couple? Was the day that your babygirl passed away. I was a mess. I have followed Maddie’s life ever since my son has passed away. She made me smile and your stories made me laugh. I shared Maddie’s story with my husband and he fell apart. I have yet to see my husband fall apart Mike. I thought I would feel better if I saw my husband crumble to the floor and sob. But I didn’t. It broke my heart.
I was already registered to walk in the March of Babies walk months ago. My husband never showed any interest in participating with me and I accepted that. The walk was a way to help me continue to heal. He was not at the same place in his grief that I was. The night he read about your beautiful Maddie he asked me to register him for the walk. On April 25th we walked together in memory of our son and your Maddie. And that has started OUR healing process.
I know this doesn’t make you feel any better Mike. You don’t care how we are dealing with “our” grief. And I get it! You are dying inside right now and you are just struggling to breathe. To be strong for Heather right now. It has taken me almost 10 months to get this. To finally understand my own husband. He spent so many months being strong for me and holding me up. He knew he couldn’t fall apart. He knew I needed him. I needed him to answer the phone calls. I needed him to answer all of the questions. I needed him to deal with his family….AND mine! I needed him to tell everyone that I was doing “just fine” but was asleep and not able to come to the phone. He buried his grief for ME! He loves me that much that he wouldn’t allow himself to grieve for his son. You see? For many months I forgot that he also lost a son. Because I didn’t see him grieving the way I thought he should? I just forgot that he was also lost and hurt. ANd no one really ever asks about the dad. “How are YOU doing?” Everyone asks about the mom. Everyone rushes to protect the mom but dad? Somehow you guys just innocently get lost in the mix. Because everyone thinks you guys are strong and should be strong. And looking back I feel like an ass for being mad at him. For questioning who he was and whether he was the same man that I had married.
We are now ten months into this…hellish ride. I love my husband even more than I did when I married him. That he would bury his own pain and grief to see me through my darkest days and months? What greater love can there be? We’re not “healed”. We don’t miss him any less. We’re not “past it”. We don’t think he is in a “better “ place. But we are finally healing together. He can fall apart. And I can catch HIM now. I can hold him when the pain is just too much. I can answer the questions that he just has grown tired of answering nicely. It has taken us a long time to get here Mike. I just needed to write and tell you. Tell you that you and Heather will NOT grieve the same. You will both feel a million miles away from each other at times. But I promise you that you will come back together….eventually. It’s okay. It’s okay for you to grieve in your own way. Don’t feel that you have to grieve her way…but tell her that. Continue to communicate even if you are both in different stages and places of your grief. Don’t give up and don’t stop fighting to get through this. One minute. One hour. One day at a time.
Alexandra says:
Oh, Maddie, she was so achingly beautiful. She was such a slice of life. To have captured the hearts of so many of us, without ever meeting. How are you able to survive? It would hurt to even breathe, I would think…
Joe @ Irrational Dad says:
I really dislike the canned responses of “She’s in a better place,” or “things happen for a reason”. Problem is, people don’t know what else to say when disaster strikes. I’ve had to NOT comment on some of yours and Heather’s posts, because I had no words. Kristy’s response (above) was touching, and I hope it helps to understand that you and Heather are (or will be) in different places.
Stay strong, stay weak, stay heartbroken… just don’t let the grief make you lose sight of your love.
trinity hanson says:
Love’s arms were wreath’d about the neck of Hope,
And Hope kiss’d Love, and Love drew in her breath
In that close kiss, and drank her whisper’d tales.
They said that Love would die when Hope was gone,
And Love mourn’d long, and sorrow’d after Hope ;
At last she sought out Memory, and they trod
The same old paths where Love had walk’d with Hope,
And Memory fed the soul of Love with tears. -tennyson
Christy says:
I can’t imagine any better place for Maddie than with you and Heather…where she is supposed to be. And I’m so, so sorry. I cannot imagine anything being more difficult than losing your baby. I’m sorry for the pain you have learned to hide.
Michelle W says:
Honestly, this just made me cry. But I don’t even have to come here or to Heather’s blog to cry for your pain and for my own pain at the realization this little girl is no longer here. I think of her and of all of you many times as I go about my day. Like pretty much everyone else has said, there was no better place for Maddie than in yours and Heather’s loving arms. And although you can’t carry Maddie in your arms, you carry her in your heart, as well all do. You didn’t just love Maddie, you ARE LOVING her.
Karen says:
Though I’m sure their intentions are well meaning, I can only think that anyone giving you cliche comments has no real clue of what to say to you or how to say it and I doubt they’ve really known loss. Not yet anyway. They are blessed indeed.
I stopped believing in god the day my father died. I was 6 and a half. Before that day, I had a pure unabiding faith. I was destroyed.
When my brother in-law took his own life on October 5, 2004 – he took part of my husband with him. He took it so very hard. Rightfully so. He will never be the same again. I know that. We almost drifted apart in the years that followed. But I have learned to love the person he is now – the broken version. He loves me back too and we are still together, stronger than ever.
Like a disease, loss devours a part of your soul. You won’t ever be the same again. Time and only time will determine how you learn to cope again. I hope your journey through grief gifts you with many more peaceful moments and that they be more frequent, more tangible and I hope they give you hope. Hope will save you.
You and Heather and your families have been dealt a massive injustice. No matter the will of anyone and everyone that knows this story, it will not return your sweet baby to you. Remember though as people grapple with how to comfort you that they all wish their words could bring her back. Whole heart.
Libby says:
Wow…This is such an honest post describing your grief. I can’t imagine your pain. I am thinking of you and heather costantly.
Christina says:
Like others have already said far more eloquently, I can’t imagine the pain you’re going through. Eventually the pain will change from a sharp, piercing pain to a dull ache, but in the meantime you need to express that pain however you feel you need to. And comments about her being in a better place are well-meaning, but probably hurt more than those people realize. There is no better place for a child than with those who love her and care for her.
It’s a cosmic injustice, and I’m sorry that you have to suffer through something this horrible. Maddie was a sweet little girl who should still be here making you laugh. Helping each other is good, but be sure to turn to outside resources to help with your grief, too. It may take a village to raise a child, but it also takes that entire village to mourn a child and help those who have been left behind.
Tia says:
My heart hurts for you and Heather. I look at my own baby different because of Maddie. She really has made me be a better mom. I’ve slowed down and I take it all in instead of rushing all the time. I think of what if this was me, could I get up the next day, and I cry because I know that there’s this couple who faces that decision every single day. When I look at my sleeping baby everynight, I think of you guys and how sucky and unfair that your not doing the same. I wish that you could wake up from this horrible nightmare.
Sarah says:
God, I’m one of those people who told you to lean on each other. And you’re right. I have no idea what you’re going throiugh…and didn’t even think of you pulling each other into the darkness. Hang in there, Mike. I’m keeping you, Heather and Maddie in my prayers and close to my heart.
Leah says:
Lean on all of us… The hundreds (or is it thousands now?) of people touched deeply by Maddie.
Ana in Chicago says:
Mike, what a brutal description of grief. I am so sorry you are going through this. It makes no sense, no sense at all. I pray for peace for you and Heather.
Stacy in the MN says:
Mike, first of all, hugs to both you and Heather. I cannot imagine the pain you two are feeling. It kills me inside to think of this sweet, beautiful little girl gone so suddenly and to think of the pain you are feeling.
I don’t think anyone is trying to hurt you when they say that Maddie is in a better place. I believe it’s human nature to try to help “fix things,” even things that can’t be fixed. I have not lost my child, but six and a half years ago, when my son was born a preemie, his great aunt came to visit him in the NICU (same issues as Heather had, bed rest/low fluid, he was born 4 1/2 weeks early with underdeveloped lungs). We had almost lost him that morning and after my aunt left, he turned the corner and never looked back.
His great aunt died 3 weeks later. She had a heart attack walking into church, and that was that.
I have learned so much about grief and grieving since that horrible day in November 2002. I have learned that we all need to be allowed our grief in our own time. I have learned that I HAD to accept my aunt’s passing as God’s will (and even accept the suicide of her son less than a year later as God’s will), otherwise, I couldn’t make peace and stop looking for the why that would never be answered, or the what if that would never be answered. But I’ve also learned that my experience is mine, and mine alone. For a time, I wanted those around me who were hurting and suffering the loss of a loved one to accept God’s will, but I’ve learned to see that all they need is my love and my ear. That this is one thing that no one can “fix.”
Grieve in your way, let Heather grieve in hers and know that there are so many people out here who don’t even know you but love you and are listening.
Corrie says:
Mike:
Count me among the many strangers who are thinking of you and wishing you peace.
I wish, so much, that Maddie was in your arms. Your story has touched me deeply. My girls (3 yrs. and 14 mos) love to watch videos of Maddie. We will remember her always. The beautiful little fairy with curly hair and amazing eyes.
Thank you for sharing.
Cinthia says:
I always feel really bad after I read posts here or on Heather’s site. And I never know what to say. Because in the end, words are just puffs of air or letters on a screen and they don’t do much. I hate not knowing what to say, but I feel as though not saying something is not right. Every time I read a post, I feel so sad and sometimes I cry but I know that what you and Heather and your family/friends are feeling is much worse. But I can’t stop reading because I can’t forget that it happened.
I hope that regardless of whatever awkward things we people say, you see that it’s out of love and concern for you and Heather and out of great love and sadness for Maddie.
Becky says:
Mike,
I won’t say something as cliche as “I know how you feel,” because I don’t. Everyone is so different. However, I too lost my daughter. She was 6 1/2 weeks old. My husband and I had a similar time (and still do) as you and Heather with comforting each other. We each wanted to be that rock for the other person, but, you’re so right – to comfort is to leave your moment of peace, and who knows when you’re going to have another one. Lots of hugs and love coming to you guys from my husband and me here in NY.
Becky
sam {temptingmama} says:
Sending love! Just wanted to let you know I’m thinking about you Mike. *hugs*
Cam says:
There isn’t a single day that I don’t think about Maddie and you and Heather, Mike. Me, a complete stranger on the other side of the world.
I wish you peace and strength. Oh, hell, I wish this never, ever happened.
Heidi says:
I’m so incredibly sorry. I cannot imagine what it must be like for the two of you. Just the thought of trying to imagine what it must be like to say good bye to your own beautiful, loved and much wanted child makes me feel physically ill. And no, the best place for Maddie would be in your and your wife’s arms. I’m just so sorry that she is not in your arms now. My thoughts and best wishes go out to you both.
Kristin says:
You’re in my thoughts every day. hugs.
Haley-O says:
It is such a terrible tragedy. It MUST be so hard to watch all the children around. I don’t have any words that will comfort. I’d never thought about the difficulties of “leaning on each other.” Such a challenge…. It will get easier. It’s only been a month. It’s still so recent. Still so sudden and shocking and incomprehensible. ((Hugs)) to you and Heather.
M in NYC says:
no profound words…just wanted to say you’re in my thoughts. i cannot imagine what you both are going through.
Krissa says:
I bookmarked your blog when your “What is left behind” post was new and for some reason, every time I checked back, the bookmark went to that post. I thought you hadn’t written since then. But yesterday I saw a comment on Heather’s blog and realized that you are still writing, too. So even though I am late commenting to this post, I just wanted you to know, one more stranger who cares is still here and still reading. And still thinking of your little Maddie and your family every day.