Yesterday was the third birthday of Annie’s BFF and cousin, Michaela. To celebrate, my sister invited us over for pizza, cake, and presents, and Annie was very excited – especially since everything was princess themed. We had a great night together, but there was one part of the night that wasn’t so great. Annie had a hard time understanding that this birthday was not about her.
Things started well – and adorably – with Annie saying “Happy Birthday, Michaela,” while hugging her cousin hello. We then adjourned to the patio which was set up with princess cups, plates, and napkins. I excitedly lifted a napkin and pointed out the princesses on front.
“Look, Annie! It’s Tiana! And Belle! And Cinderella! And Rapunzel…”
I recited the names of a few more princesses until I realized my brother-in-law was looking at me a little funny.
“Annie, uh, really likes princesses,” I said.
“Apparently you do too,” he said with a smirk.
“Hey,” Heather said, coming to my defense. “That’s cinema history! He just knows his cinema!”
Yeah, that’s it. Thanks, honey.
My sister then brought out some princess party blowers and rings, and the girls (and boys, for that matter) got a kick out of them.
Party on, Annie! Party on, Michaela! Party time! Excellent!
Look, Dad! I’m a regular Ringo Starr here!
Later we had princess cake, of course, and Michaela blew out the candles like this wasn’t just her third rodeo.
I wish for a pony. A tiny, live pony that will speak French and live in my pocket.
Unfortunately, things went off the rails a little bit when we went inside to open presents. Both Annie and Michaela’s five year old brother, Danny, desperately wanted to do more than just watch and cheer. Danny wanted to open the presents (and might have ripped open a couple before Michaela could), while Annie wanted the presents for herself (and might have said, “For Annie!” a few times).
Michaela: “Back off, you freaking vultures!”
Heather and I weren’t going to let Annie make a scene, so we took her into another room and explained that it was Michaela’s birthday and not hers. Nothing seemed to calm her down, though. Luckily, my mom had bought both girls matching Cinderella dresses, and once Annie was able to open a present of her own she was happy as a clam to let Michaela open the rest of her presents in peace.
Remember when Cinderella’s dress illuminated with lights? Me neither.
The thing is, Annie isn’t always going to have grandma there to give her a present when she goes to birthday parties. She will have lots of birthday parties to attend, and she’s going to have to behave and understand it isn’t about her. Again, I know she is only two, but we need to find a way to nip this kind of behavior in the bud and fast – especially since if people stop inviting Annie her old man isn’t going to get to eat nearly as much birthday cake.
Anna says:
Aw, I wouldn’t worry too much about her not being a super-sharer. It’s what kids her age do, literally their brains just can’t comprehend sharing that well. I think what you’re doing is perfect, calmly explaining the situation to her and not overreacting. She’ll grow into good habits (with a few more missteps, I’m sure!). I’m a twin and my method of “sharing” was “Just take what is my brother’s and he’ll just happily bop along as if nothing happened.” There are hilarious (to me and my parents at least!) videos of the two of us as toddlers where I would walk over to him, take my pacifier out of my mouth, hold it in my hand, take his pacifier from his mouth and put it in my mouth – – – and then strut around, one pacifier in my hand and one in my mouth. My brother would just kind of stare at me slightly confused and go back to playing. We turned out just fine (he still has the patience of a saint, 30 years later)!
Serena from Italy says:
I agree with Anna, it’s just a matter of time, it’s normal at her age and it will pass soon! Don’t really worry about it! Hugs
Mijke says:
No need to worry about this yet, Mike. That’s just the way toddlers work: the whole world revolves around them and only them. It will be at least a couple of months (probably a lot longer) before she will be able to look at the world from another perspective, learning that it’s not just her that’s important.
You can’t rush her development. All you can do is what you’ve been doing already: explaining how sometimes she’s not the center of the world. Sometimes it’s someone else’s turn. Her time will come.
And accept that while you can tell her those things a hundred times over, she will still forget about all of it the minute another child has a toy she wants right NOW. It will probably get worse before it gets better.
And guess what? Once she starts to understand those things, starts to be able to put herself in someone else’s shoes, she will start manipulating the hell out of you and the rest of the world. Because being able to understand more about other people’s feelings, means being able to influence them better, too. Not too long from now there will come a time where you will have something she wants and isn’t allowed to have, and she will bring you something she knows you want better, so she can take what she thought was hers in the first place, without you even realizing what she’s done…
Shannon says:
She is still so young. They do grow out of it! Or at least contain it…lol!! My friend still sends ALL four of my kids something when any of them have a birthday….sigh. Makes me feel horrible!
Erin @ One Particular Kitchen says:
Yep, I wouldn’t stress it yet — totally normal behavior at this age, and with good parenting — which she clearly has — she’ll grow out of it.
Sheila says:
For about 2 years, my son got VERY upset when it was not his birthday. We have a lovely montage of photos of him crying during the blowing out of candles at his brother’s, Dad’s and other brother’s parties. Of course, the fact that we took photos of that says something about us. He is fine now and understands the concept.
We avoided giving him a present on those days to ensure he “got it” that sometimes, it is not about you!
Aubrie S. says:
My mother in law gives all the kids presents on every birthday. (My nieces and nephews now range from 3-11, and even the 11 year old gets a present on all the other ones birthday.)I think it’s so weird! The first time I saw it I was so confused. My husband said that when he was little he and his siblings all got presents on all the birthdays. WTF! I get that it’s hard for a little one to understand that the presents are not for them, but that’s life. Everyone deserves to have a special day that’s all about them.
Auntie_M says:
I totally agree with you! Sometimes it ain’t all about you, folks!
cindy w says:
Eh, at 2, I think this is pretty normal. Catie did the same thing at this age, she got over it. In the meantime, have a tiny surprise (some 25-cent party store goody or whatnot) ready to distract her with.
Incidentally, I’ve noticed that at a lot of the birthday parties we go to, the kids don’t open the presents at the party, they open them later after the party is over. I thought that was weird at first, but I can think of a few reasons why it makes sense: the other kids get jealous, present-opening is general mayhem & the parents probably want to keep a handle on who gave what for thank you note purposes, and also you can’t expect a birthday boy/girl of only 3 or 4 to always graciously receive a gift (if they don’t like it, you’re gonna hear about it). It actually makes the parties a lot easier in some ways.
Steph says:
Your Mom rocks! I agree with the other comments that was totally appropriate developmentally speaking for a 2 year old. I remember growing up my Mom always gave my brother a present on my bday and vice versa. Even though I am a mother now, my Mom gives me a present on my husband’s bday and vice versa. Just enjoy her toddlerhood and pretend like the teenage years will be this fun:)
Amber says:
I know everyone is saying this is normal & don’t stress but I’m like you when it comes to taking my kids to party. My son (while he’s 4 and should know better) starting doing the same thing around Annie’s age and it mortified me…even when I know that it’s “normal”. I never wanted my child to be the one throwing a fit over not getting presents. I always try to do goody bags or small toys for the kids that come to his party because I understand that at these ages they believe it’s all about them to a certain point.
I usually try to hide my kid away somewhere while presents are being opened And at his I normally open presents when other kids have left so they get the maximum playing time & there’s no fighting over presents/toys
Sheila says:
I’ve never been to a birthday party when just the birthday boy/girl gets to open up her/his gifts. All the kids want to open them – there’s just something about opening gifts. Don’t sweat it – unless she throws a complete hissy fit and takes down the birthday girl she’s fine. Same thing will happen on her birthday.
Sonya says:
It’s awesome your mom had a present for Annie too-I’m sure that helped. Among our group of school and mom friends, no one actually opens any presents AT the party. (One mom did it two years ago and all the kids went crazy over them and that was the last time that happened!) Everyone just displays the presents during the party and then opens them at home later. It works out better too, because a lot of these parties are at kiddie parks or bouncy houses and there’s usually a two-hour time limit on the party, so we just eat and let the kids play the whole time rather than watch the birthday kid open stuff.
giselle says:
When my sisters and I were little – the not birthday girls always got a couple of presents too. That helped a LOT. Since Michaela and Annie are super close, I think a sisterly treatment would work (hence why the matching dresses made all the difference). You won’t have to do it forever, eventually she’ll learn and be ok with it, but since parenting seems to be about picking your battles, why not give in on this one for a few years? It would mean more princess toys for Dad to play with!
Dawn says:
All the parties I’ve taken my kids too, they NEVER open the presents with the guests present. It just…well…see above. That was a brilliant move and I highly recommend it to everyone when the kids are under the age of, um, I’ll let you know when we get there. Goody bags, however, are another story altogether.
But they are all adorable and it looks like they had a good time.
Anna says:
You know, that’s interesting because, now, looking back, I don’t think I ever did either. We just played with our Spin Art and played pin the tail on the donkey
Blue says:
She’s still teeny tiny, I wouldn’t worry.
Annalisa says:
It’s okay. That’s what goody bags for birthday party were invented for, to make the other kids feel special too, and to keep them distracted from noticing that one of them got all the big presents.
As everyone else has said, it’s just a stage. She’ll grow out of it, I promise. Rather than give her a present right there and then, though, perhaps what you can do is “bribe” her to be a big girl with the promise of a present or outing afterward. Talk to her about how this is not her birthday and she needs to be a big girl about it beforehand. Tell her that if she is a big girl about it and lets the birthday boy/girl enjoy their day, you’re going to [get a toy she really wants/go out for ice cream/do other thing she really loves] afterward. Then hold her to it.
A tear here and there that goes away when she’s reminded about your deal is okay (ask her if she needs five minutes, and try to go to another room and play to get her mind off her sadness), but if she decides that tantrums in front of the birthday person is something she can’t help, then the deal is off. You don’t have to make a big deal about it, you just explain calmly and patiently when she expects that something to happen afterward that she didn’t act like a big girl when she needed to. The idea is that she has to really earn the prize, rather than have it be just a consolation prize.
lucy says:
I want a tiny pony that speaks French and lives in my pocket!
I hardly ever comment, but that was hilarious. And I always like your posts, Mike. You never shy away from having opinions and bringing up controversial topics, which is really refreshing.
Lindsey says:
My mother-in-law used to get all three kids gifts on all of three of their birthdays so my kids never learned!!! Granted the real birthday kid got more but not by much. Even when we went out to eat and the servers brought the birthday girl/boy a special treat and everyone sang happy birthday, she would insist the servers brought the other two the same dessert!!!! (i’m sure money changed hands). She was a terrific spoiler of grandchildren and we miss her terribly!!
Lindsey says:
P.S. Love the old man eating cake comment. And love picturing you naming the princesses!! Annie sure lucked out with fun-loving parents!
Auntie_M says:
Mike! You kill me!!! LOL A pony that speaks French…
Developmentally speaking, Annie is right where she’s supposed to be for her age: self-centered! LOL
Two-years-old is when they learn cool words like “MINE!!” & “I WANT” & “Noooooooooooo!” and think that the world revolves around them…and as the progress from 24 months towards 36 & beyond they begin to learn that the world does not actually revolve around them.
And they learn these lessons the hard way: like when Daddy carries them away from the presents & instead presents the hard truth that they aren’t for her. While that was sweet that your mom gave the girls matching outfits (cuz they ARE besties, after all), Annie will have to learn that at some parties, she doesn’t get to keep the presents. It’s a sucky lesson, but we (hopefully!) learn it. But as big brother shows, even at 5, it’s still fun to be hands on in “helping” to open the presents! LOL
My niece has 10 boy cousins & 1 girl cousin, 8 of whom are under the age of 10. She’s 3. At her last party, you couldn’t see her through the crowd of excited cousins who were “helping” her with her gifts! But somehow, she has figured out that not all presents are for her–maybe it’s because of aaaalllll those cousins & their birthdays–to say nothing of Christmas! (2 are younger than she is and all the rest are older)
One thing you can do is let Annie be really involved in choosing and/or wrapping the gift for her friend while you talk about how much fun it will be to watch them open it. And how it will live at their house…and won’t it be fun to see your present there when you go over to play sometimes. And prepare her: this is a party–a party is about the people, and the love, and the fun, and, yes, the presents, but this time they aren’t for you–but won’t it be fun to see what the birthday girl gets?! Let’s guess what she might get & see if we’re right?!
Don’t worry, Mike, Annie will catch on, & you’ll still be invited to parties w/cake & ice cream where you can show off your knowledge of Disney princesses!
Auntie_M says:
And so speaks the woman w/no children! LOL easy for me to say!! (But as for the developmental stuff: I must know what I’m talking about cuz I have multiple degrees packed away somewhere that say I do!) Good grief! I hate it when people who don’t have kids give child-rearing advice & I just did it! Sorry dude!
Jennifer says:
I wouldn’t stress over it, isn’t she 2? She’ll get it. If she goes to preschool she’ll be invited to a million bday parties where she’ll get to sit there and “get it”. We called it the “other peoples’ birthday parties suck” face. One thing I would caution against: allowing her to open up gifts at other family members’ parties. I have a dear friend who did this, and I don’t think it helps. Yes, the kid likes opening presents (who doesn’t?) But when they are older and unwrapping my child’s gift, and my child is sitting there very uncomfortably, I don’t think it’s good. I don’t think it helps with you only open presents on YOUR birthday. Now it would never ever occur to me to let one of my kids open Grammy’s present…but having seen it, I thought I’d mention it. Annie will be fine! When she’s a little older she will enjoy buying the bday child a gift, making a card, wrapping the gift, etc.
Leslie says:
My mom always makes a point of getting a small gift for the birthday kid’s younger brother or sister, if there is one, kind of like your mom did for Annie this time. Little people can’t understand why they don’t get to open presents too, but in a couple years Anne will probably understand the concept of other people’s birthdays. She’ll enjoy picking out gifts and cards for her cousins and friends instead!
meoskop says:
We never open presents at the party either, but we do let them open in front of their cousins and have the same drama. It’s just part of growing up and getting through the stages. You did the exact right thing in removing her – it’s important to learn but also important not to make the birthday kid feel bad!
Peggy says:
I have 3 girls who were born within a total of 3.5 years. My mom always brought the non-birthday girls a present and gave it to them after the party – told them if they were good, she would have something for them. If she happened to be out of town for the birthday, I did it. The girls came to sort of expect it and I worried how I would ever stop it. Then they just sort of got old enough not to care and it died away. They are 7, 8 and 10 now and we haven’t done it for quite a while. They really do grow up and start to understand eventually!
Kristin says:
Agreeing with previous comments that her behavior is very typical for toddlers. Just be consistent in reminding her that its the birthday kid’s special day and when its her birthday she will have a special day too. Find a way to get her excited about the joy of giving.
The one thing (um… of many) that annoys me about my MIL is that she always brings another present for the non-birthday kid. It was cute and fun when they were younger, but they expect Nana to always have a present for them and I feel like it takes away from the birthday child.
Barbara says:
Before you go to your next party, let Annie participate in picking out the gift and explain to her how much fun it is to buy or make presents for other people. Reinforce several times beforehand that you are going to give a present and there will be other presents there for that person because it is their special day. Let her hand her gift to the person of honor and when she does praise the mess out of her. May not work 100%, but it will start to teach her the joy of giving.
Barbara says:
and I totally want a light up princess dress!! I would have passed out if someone had given me one of those as a kid!
MichelleM says:
Ha ha!!! Loved the pony and vulture picture captions!!!! Annie is so cute! Don’t worry, she will get it! Our daughter is about to turn 3 as well and we have those issues too.
Janet says:
OK, where can I get that Princess dress????
Mike says:
Hi Janet,
I’m not sure where my Mom got it, but I’ve seen commercials on TV for it all of a sudden, so I bet it can be found at Toys R Us.
Heather says:
Yes, Toys R Us! I just saw it there when I was buying a birthday present!