This last weekend I watched the first two episodes of HBO’s “Mildred Pierce” starring Kate Winslet. Kate Winslet is an an amazing actress – already an Academy Award winner and five time nominee – and I found myself getting caught up in the Depression era tale of a single mother trying to provide for her two daughters. A few minutes before the second episode ended, however, a sudden plot twist lead to Kate standing over her daughter’s hospital bed, watching her daughter die before her eyes as doctors worked frantically to save her.
Watching this scene made my heart rise in my throat and turned a relaxing night into one full of anxiety and flashbacks. As the scene unfolded, however, it occurred to me that, for the first time, Kate Winslet was hitting false notes. The way she watched her daughter die, reacted in the immediate aftermath, and made her first phone call to relatives… all of this just wasn’t quite how it is. And why should it have been? Actors imagine what it is like to be someone else, and as brilliant an actress as Winslet is, she was attempting to dramatize the unimaginable.
Of course for Heather and myself the unimaginable became all too real two years ago this week.
Two years ago this week. It is hard to believe. And while this week has only just begun it has already been very hard, full of raw emotions and many tears. More than anything though this week I am tired.
I’m tired of living in a world without Maddie in it;
I’m tired of longing, missing, and aching for Maddie;
I’m tired of dealing with the ever present feelings of grief;
I’m tired of experiencing the constant flashbacks;
I’m tired of watching my wife grieve and suffer;
I’m tired of worrying about how this may affect Annie;
I’m tired of pretending I’m okay for the outside world;
I’m tired of having to accept Maddie’s passing and keep moving forward;
I’m tired of struggling to somehow salvage the dreams Heather and I had on our wedding day in the wake of our worst nightmare;
and I’m tired of thinking about how many more years I have to live like this.
I’m just… tired.
Heather told me that I shouldn’t put too much pressure on myself this week to try to get too much done. If I get things done… great. But if I don’t… that’s okay too. Simply getting through this week is more than enough of a task. This is good advice, and I’m going to take it. The hardest part though is that once this difficult week is over another week will begin – a week that, like this one, will exist in the shadow of all that has happened, and still without Maddie.
Jennifer says:
I don’t even know what to say, Mike. I’m just so sorry.
Mijke says:
I’m so sorry. I wish your kind of tired would be the one easily solved with a few nights sleep… I know it’s not. And I’m sorry…
I wish I could do something, ANYTHING, to make this week (and all the weeks and years still to come) a little easier for you both…
Alison says:
There are no word to really convey it. I’m just so sorry, Mike. Thinking of you guys more than ever this week.
Penbleth says:
Mike, I am so very sorry. There is nothing I can say but I really wish there was.
Veronika says:
Mike. {{ hugs }}
J in eire says:
Mike, I wish there were words of comfort, I am so sorry for your loss, for Heathers loss, for Maddies loss. She should be here, your precious little darlin’. Heather is not only a beautiful woman, but a wise one too – listen to your wife !! Please take some small comfort in knowing that your maddie is loved and remembered around the world, I will be lighting a little candle in Ireland in remembrance and thanks for a very very special little girl.
Lisa says:
Hugs, Mike. I wish I had some magic words to take away some of the pain, make you a little less tired. I hold you and Heather, and Annie and Maddie, in my heart every week, but I hold you especially tight this week.
Love and hugs.
Meg...CT says:
Exactly. This is exactly how my brother and sister in law describe the death of their daughter. Behind you by about 16 months, they have yet to hit the year mark. But holidays and birthdays have passed without our Annie and they congratulate themselves on getting through that particular day and yet there is no prize at the start of a new day. Just another without her.
Sucks.
Wishing you peace, especially this week.
tonya says:
I wish I had words that could comfort you. I’m praying for healing and peace for your sweet family.
Barbi Emel says:
Mike & Heather,
I will be praying for peace for you this week. You’re both strong and you’ll get through this. Annie will be just fine too, she has a lot of love around her, that’s all she needs. Hugs to you all.
Barbi
Heather says:
I’m just so sorry I don’t have words to comfort
I’m thinking of you all this week
Rachel C. says:
I also watched the “Mildred Pierce” episodes this weekend. Kate Winslet is my favorite actress and I enjoyed the original movie with Joan Crawford.
I found myself not thinking about the characters during that heart-wrenching scene, but about you and Heather and what you have had to go through.
You all are in my thoughts this week and always.
Suzanne says:
I wish there was some respite for you. I want to comfort both of you, but all I can do is read your heart-wrenching words and say that you, Heather and Madeline have been in my thoughts so much this week. I wish you the strength to find your way to the end of this week, and to carry on with all the weeks that follow.
Kristen says:
I’m just crying……thinking about your situation. Your family is always in my thoughts, but will be more so this week. Maddie is just adorable, and your story has touched me in many ways.
Jannette says:
I am truely sorry for your loss. Please know I think of your family often and pray for strength and peace. I ache so much for you and your family.
Editdebs says:
Thinking of you and your family this week.
Deborah says:
((((hugs))))
Lora says:
I’ve been thinking a lot about Maddie this week, and your family. What an anguishing trial–to every day accept the facts and try to move forward. No wonder you’re tired. (((hugs))) sent out to you and Heather, and the rest of your family as well.
Jen @ lifelovenwine says:
This weekend it was finally feeling like spring here in New England and it was warm enough to go for a long walk in the sun without a coat. On this walk I saw a beautiful garden full of little purple flowers and I thought of Maddie and smiled at the same time I felt a pang of hurt in my chest for you and Heather. I wish there was something to say that could even begin to help, but know that even two years later, people are still thinking of Maddie and still sending love to The Spohrs.
Nikki says:
I read posts like this, and I feel so helpless…I want to be able to do something and make the world right for you again but I know there’s no such thing in a world without your precious Maddie in it.
And for that…I’m so, so very sorry. Much more than simple words can express.
I think of your family every day, but I will certainly be sending you more love and strength every second of every day this week.
Brandy says:
My mind has been on Maddie a lot this week, her short life has touched so many people.
Be kind to yourself and grieve in any way that feels right to you. I lost my dad when I was only 22, and while I know it’s not the same as losing a child, I never expected to have to spend most of my life without him, to welcome my children only to have to show them their grandpa in pictures, to just plain exist. It’s been 8 years since he left this earth and the week of his passing is still one that we mark and I am very different during. Grief and mourning are very crazy and personal things and it’s okay to deal with them in any way you need to.
Jamie says:
I’ve said this so many times in reading your blog and Heather’s blog, but I’d willingly take some of your exhaustion, Mike, if I could. I hope by writing about it and sharing it, it helps decrease it even the tinest bit.
I also seems odd to say this, but Maddie is never far from my thoughts. She touched my heart and continues to.
LisaJ says:
I am so sorry, Mike.
It is never enough, but I, and countless others, are just so, so sorry.
Molly says:
Weeping at this. Mike, what a wrenching, beautifully written post capturing your feelings this week. I think Heather is right. Don’t expect much else of yourself for this week except to get through it.
Elizabeth says:
I wish I had something to say but honestly I don’t. I’m so sorry. Sending hugs and love to your family.
Minnyc says:
My husband & I watched it on Sunday & at that part, I wondered if you guys were watching it also. I’m so sorry for all the both of you go through. You’re in my thoughts, this week & always.
Jenna says:
Sending you and your girls much love this week. A wise person told me once that grief is a full-time job with never ending overtime. This especially rings true this week for you all. That’s all the work you need this week. Hoping you are able to rest this week and spend time together remembering and honoring your beautiful Maddie.
Nancy Smego says:
Mike, Heather, Annie: Living without Maddie is something I could not even pretend to know about. Maddie brought such joy to you and I wish with all my heart she was still here to be Annie’s big sister. You and Heather do such an awesome job of keeping her memory alive and helping others who are going through similar things. Annie will grow up knowing all about Maddie and she will never, ever, ever be gone from your family. She is the center of your family and she always will be. Keep your chin up. You and Heather are such fantastic parents to both your little girls.
Bryn Heathman says:
Feeling so much love for you all, and wishing you all the strength in the world.
xoxo Bryn
Susan A says:
SOOO wishing I could take away your pain and sorrow. (((HUGS))))
My thoughts and prayers this week and always are with you and your family.
PattyB says:
I am thinking and praying for you, Heather and Annie this week that you might find some peace. I am very glad I didn’t start watching this series, although I had intended to. As I scrolled through the channels and was just about ready to hit the one showing the first episode, something in the back of my mind told me that I would not enjoy it. Thank you for sharing this story. Even though my own child died 21 years ago this past Saturday, I still can’t watch things like this on television or at the movies. If I do stay and watch, I am usually sobbing uncontrollably by the time the scene is over. Not because I am feeling for the actors on the screen, but because I am reliving my own nightmare. It doesn’t happen to me very often any more, but I completely understand what you mean. I’m sending you lots of hugs and kisses to you and your family, and I’m sending some up to Maddie as well. I hope that she is up there with my little one dancing on the stars.
Nicole says:
I’m so sorry that you and Heather have to go through this. Please be gentle with yourself.
Rumour Miller says:
Hugs to you while you face this week. Hugs to Heather and Annie.
I don’t know if those feelings ever truly go away… they just become your normal and you live with them sitting on your heart. Sometimes they are heavy and make their existence known, other times not.
PhaedraH says:
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your thoughts. I really appreciate being able to hear your thoughts and feelings as a dad (and husband). I like to hear your prespective (as a dad and husband) and you express yourself really well. I know it’s painful, but thank you.
Catherine says:
I’m so sorry what you and Heather are going through. It is so hard to lose someone and the pain never seems to go away. I lost my mother in law a little over a month ago and it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through.
I am thinking of you both this week and hope that you are able to get through this week without too much pain. My thoughts are with you both.
Susie-Q says:
I have been following your story for about 2 years. Nothing anyone can say can help you through this week. I know this because I lost my dad, mom and sister within 3 years. Not a day goes by that they are not in my thoughts. I know you are tired of hearing it gets better with time, but it really never does. I no longer have anyone that can remind me of my childhood and that hurts more than I can stand. Please know that my hugs are coming your way. God Bless you and Heather and Annie…..
CorningNY says:
Your words left me in tears. Oh, Mike, no one should have to go through what you and Heather have been through…I think of my sister, who lost her husband of 39 years at age 66 to cancer, and your words help me understand what she’s going through. And I think of my boyfriend, whose (now ex-) wife locked him out of their home and bank accounts when their adopted son was not quite two years old, falsely accused him of many bad things, and has only let him see him for eight hours in the past two and a half years after he had to move across the country near family to restart his life. Not as bad as losing a child, but its own special kind of hell.
Peace to you and Heather.
Gamanda says:
Oh Mike, like everyone else, I have nothing that will make this any better. There isn’t a day that passes that I don’t think of you, Heather, Annie and Maddie. Good luck with this week and every following week.
Mary says:
Mike, all of us are sending collective strength and support to you, Heather, and your family. I know nothing can take away the tired, but hopefully you can find some small sense of peace from knowing how much we all care about you.
Emese says:
I wish I had the ability to have a way with words the way you and Heather have, but I don’t.
I wish I could write something, anything, that would cease even a minuscule amount of your families pain, but I can’t.
So all I can offer is (((HUGS))), virtual, but nevertheless HUGS.
Amy Collen says:
Thinking of you all this week. It will be 5 years in July since my Noah died. I can’t believe it has been 5 years.
Yesterday I was watching Tangled for the first time and was just glued to the TV at the scene where the father cries over the loss of his daughter. It just really hit home for me. I know they were reunited at the end but that father crying scene plus the town sending up all those laterns. Wow! It really hit me hard.
I agree with what you said about Mildred Pierce. I remember watching something on the news once where a mother just found out her teenage son had been killed. Her reaction to it and her screams were (for lack of a better term) almost primal. She was just roaring in pain. People had to hold her back from running to her child. It was awful.
That is what it is like to lose a child.
Carrie says:
You all are loved and prayed for, this week and always.
Expat Mom says:
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Two weeks ago, as we rushed to the hospital with our oldest laying unresponding in my arms, I thought about you guys and Maddie. I have only tasted a small piece of what it must be like and I know that I can never fully imagine what you’re going through right now, but know that your readers are here for you and Heather. We can’t do a lot, perhaps, but we can pray and support you.
MrsP says:
You’re right its unimaginable to those who haven’t been through it. Even though I don’t have the words that will make you feel better, please know that you, Heather and your family are in my prayers.
Sherry says:
My heart is aching for you now, I’m so sorry. Everyone who knows your story is thinking of you, please know that. Maddie is so very loved, just as much now than 2 years ago.
Nellie says:
Sending lots of hugs and prayers your way. I don’t know you or your family but your beautiful daughter’s story has touched me deeply. There is no freedom from pain, longing, hurt, anguish and sadness for what you and Heather have gone through but I hope that in some way your internet family and friends can surround you with the peace, love and comfort you need to make it through another day.
Amelia says:
I’m so sorry.
Molly says:
I am so sorry. Nobody should have to go through what you and Heather have and you should give yourselves lots of room around these anniversaries. Thinking of you in the East.
Rebecca says:
Lots of love and hugs for all of you.
amanda says:
I have been thinking of you all – and especially Maddie – this week. I know that is hardly consolation- but please know she is in the hearts and minds of complete strangers, all the way across the country. xoxo
Jill Sarven says:
Just…………………….thoughts of you speechless
Laura says:
Oh Mike, I’m so sorry. I know I don’t have any words that will help, but just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking and praying for you and Heather and the rest of your family this week. I’m wearing purple today…thought of your Maddie when I got dressed, and wished she was here with you.
pgoodness says:
Mike, I think of you often and I would definitely agree with Heather; this is not the week to plan on getting things done. Just breathe and remember; cry and smile. You’re doing just fine. I imagine you are tired. And I imagine that scene was a shock. I hate that you knew how it really should have been instead of just watching an actress. xo
Jenn says:
My friend…..you were the first one to reach out to me. You were the first one to show me kindness. You were the first one to invite me into your life…your family…passing my messages and then gift on to your wife.
My friend… How I appreciated your kindness and still do to this day (as do I your wife, Heather). I came to your blog as a stranger, without expecting anything but soon enough I became your and Heather’s friend. How lucky I am to be your friend….to even…KNOW you and Heather!
How my heart breaks for you both ALWAYS….especially right now. How I wish I could gently place Maddie in your arms as I witness her wrapping her little arms around your neck, hugging you tightly as the sound of her beautiful laughter fills the room.
How helpless and guilty I feel living so very far away from you and Heather, knowing there is nothing I can do….especially from here to offer you a hug, to babysit, support, anything to even remotely help comfort you both.
How I cry reading her mother’s posts dripping with agony and sadness. Reading her father’s posts as he longs to hold his first born baby even just for a minute again. Looking at her sister’s pictures….seeing her beauty and her innocence wishing I could give her back the sister she deserves to have grow up with.
I know there is little, if at all anything I can do to take even a fraction of hurt from your and Heather’s heart and soul but it’s never from the lack of WANTING so much to help….to support and comfort you…my friends.
I’m here. I’m here day and night for both of you. I know I’m far away and please know if I could, I would fly out in an INSTANT to be with you all. I WOULD. If I could afford it, no amount of pain would stop me from being with my new friends. From being with these 2 perfect strangers who offer ME support, comfort and kindness as I go through my own pain.
Please just remember and know, even in your darkest moments just how many people around the WORLD adore, care and LOVE you and your family and just like me Mike….ALWAYS will!!!
With Love and Unconditional Friendship,
Jenn
Rachel says:
I’m sorry, I wish you weren’t going through this.
Samantha says:
i wish i knew you and heather because then i might be able to say something better than what i’m about to say. but, i only know you from reading your posts, so i don’t know what kind of expressions of sympathy might help. all i know is my own experience, and what i need and crave from people for support.
after our first son died, everyone was treating me so gently, like they were afraid i was about to shatter (and actually, i was). people would try to tell me all the ridiculous things that people just say because they don’t know what else to say….”he’s in a better place”, “you’ll see him again”, “it was meant to be”. i also had a lot of people tell me stories of hope…about someone they knew that had a loss, but then went on to have a healthy baby. i understand that everyone was just trying to help, and for that i am extremely appreciative. but you know what i really needed? i needed someone to just get downright mad with me. i needed someone to stand out there on the ledge with me and scream at the top of their lungs “THIS IS F******* BULLSHIT!!!!”. i was so filled with anger that it completely consumed me. i couldn’t even go to the grocery store because i was scared of seeing a pregnant woman, or passing the diaper isle. i can’t even tell you how mad i was…..(still am at times). everyone wanted to somehow make things not seem so bad…wanted to try to show me the silver lining to all this. i couldn’t have cared any less about some damn silver lining. my son died, and i wanted people to recognize that for all its shitiness. i know everyone reacts differently, and this was just the way i responded to his death…anger, and rage at just how unfair it was, and at how much it hurt. does that make sense? i was actually mad at how painful it was.
when we lost our Twins, it was only a little over a year and a half after our son died. i was just barely starting to be able to get through the days knowing that i would never see our son again, and then the unthinkable happened. our Twins died too. like you, i was just completely exhausted from grief. i actually remember thinking, “i really just don’t have it in me to go through this again”. so after the Twins, my reaction was much more sadness and depression, rather than anger. my anger had taken so much energy and was exhausting. for me, sadness was the less-energy-requiring emotion.
i’m currently about a 3 and a half years into my life sentence of losing my son, and in august i will be 2 years into the double and triple life sentences i’m serving for losing my Twins. so, a lot of these feelings are still here for me, but they’re just not as intense. i can make it through the day now without a breakdown, so i think that’s progress. i know that these feelings will never go away. for a while, i couldn’t wait for the day that i would be able to see a pregnant woman without feeling mad, jealous and resentful. but, i think i’ve come to terms with the fact that that day will probably never come. i’m just learning how to control things a little better.
i don’t know if any of that made any sense at all. the only reason i said all that was because that is how i felt / feel, and that was what i wished someone had said to me. i wish someone had said, you know what, you have every right to be damn pissed off because this is horrible. so even though i don’t know you guys at all, i just wanted to say that i’m out there on that ledge with you if you ever need to just scream.
Amy Collen says:
Well said, Samantha. Very well said.
Ray says:
You and Heather are stronger than you’ll ever know. And I’ll pray for some semblance of peace to enter your hearts this week. Try and rest, and hold on to one another, lots.
*Revised version of an excerpt from one of my favorite books, "The Lovely Bones:"*
“Stones and bones; snow and frost; seeds and beans and polliwogs. Paths and twigs, assorted kisses, We all know who *Maddie* misses . . .”
<3<3<3<3
Carrie says:
Sending love to you, Mike and your families this week.
lauren says:
rest and let others do for you.
Thinking about your sweet maddie.
Liz says:
My heart aches for the sadness you and Heather feel each and every day without your precious Maddie. I don’t know you, but everyday, you are in my thoughts. Know that we are all here supporting you and your family as you move through this very difficult week.
Hugs,
Liz
MJ says:
I am so sorry for what you and Heather have to go through. It’s not fair, it sucks ass, and NO parent should have to bury their baby.
Just feel what you feel, though. I know from experience (from losing my best friend at 25) that trying to “just get over it” doesn’t work. Things just back up on you and it makes it that much worse.
Skye says:
I’m so sorry there are things that make you go back to that awful day. I wish so badly that it had never happened, and I wish I had more to give you than a few words of support. I’ve been thinking of you two all week. Sending you virtual hugs.
wispy says:
My heart is exactly where yours is. I am tired now for two years. I was tired before this but that is when my life changed forever, January 10, 2009 !
The daughter I longed for and could not conceive for months, died of colon cancer. Julie was not a child but a 28 year old woman who never left my house. She was ‘stuck like glue’ to my hip since she was born. She was a delight and ‘sweet’ was the word used to describe her best by everyone. She had been in the house so long that now… I not only have empty nest syndrome, but empty arms syndrome. My arms ache for Julies touch. That is probably the worst thing.
Julie died 5 weeks after she was diagnosed. Unfathomable! This beloved and most desired child gone.
But, there is something that keeps me going when I have nothing left. It is the comfort from what the scriptures say. I hold onto these words like a buoy in a rough sea. “28 Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice 29 and come out, those who did good things to a resurrection of life.” (John 5)
Your little girl will come back. Jesus promised a paradise earth where he would bring back to life our dead loved ones. I know this sounds quite different than what most people say or even believe. But the scriptures give us the hope for a wonderful, bright future right here on earth.
It is my hope that you can be comforted by this. There are many, many more marvelous details I would love to share with you if you wish. I will not overwhelm you with information overload. You are already in the awful place of sheer exhaustion. I know… I wear the XL t-shirt myself!
Sent with tender love.
Dawn @ What's Around the Next Bend? says:
Mike,
Heather gave good advice. Take it easy. Be there for each other…and know there is a world of people out there that wish we could take away your pain.
GingerB says:
You are a dear, sweet man, Mike. My heart goes out to you and Heather this week, and always.