More Asian Love!!!

by Mike on July 25, 2008

So this site is supposed to document my experiences with the World Famous Maddie Moo, my adorable little baby. Nevertheless, I wrote a guest post yesterday on Black Hockey Jesus’ site that lead my wife to say, “Dude! You talked about your allure to Asians and failed to mention Thailand?!?! What the heck?”

At first I blew her off, but as I thought about it I realized that my faithful readers would never understand the true power I hold over Asians unless they heard about my trip to Thailand. So here goes my last Asian post. Tomorrow I will be back to talking about babies. I promise.

Wait…an FYI…before you get too excited realize that I make no “Bangkok” puns about banging cock or the like. This story is PG…sort of. Anyhoo…

When I was a wee, fat lad of about thirteen I went on a trip with my parents and sister to Thailand. This was an amazing experience…to be in a totally different culture blew my mind, and, being the fat kid that I was, I was immediately enraptured by their amazing chicken skewers. I ate many of these…at the hotel…on the street…in a back alley…even at the world’s largest restaurant where the waitresses wore roller blades in order to be able to serve all of their thousands of customers.

After a week or so in Thailand, thanks largely to my endless consumption of chicken skewers (though I was fat to start with), I was as bloated as the Goodyear blimp.

One day my sister and mother went into some world famous jewerly store. As they were shopping my Dad and I waited outside. This was VERY boring. In order to entertain myself I bought a Coke from a vendor (by the way Thai Coke is INSANELY sweet…did you know Coke’s formula changes from country to country?)

Anyhoo…I downed my Coke and probably got even fatter, then walked over to my Dad. We stood in the alley, twiddling our thumbs, until a group of Thai men suddenly ran over, jumping up and down, hooting, and pointing at me. I looked at my Dad, confused, as one of the men carefully aproached like I might bite his hand off at any moment. He then dropped to his knees in front of me like I was a God.

” Oh, dear sir,” he began in broken English. “If you would allow me to challenge myself to see if I have the strength to lift you I would be greatly honored.”

I furrowed my brow and looked to my Dad who said, “Um…uhhh…Ummm.”

The Thai man then, like an Olympic weight lifter, wrapped his arms around my buttocks and thrust me into the air. My eyes widened as his face turned redder and redder as he fought to keep me off the ground. I actually became worried he was going to have an aneurysm before he set me down.

Thai people came out of nowhere and embraced the man as if he had won a Gold medal in the Olympics.

I looked at my Dad, mucho confused, as another Thai man approached.

“Oh, dear American,” he said to my father. “Please let me too challenge my physical prowess by attempting to lift this gigantic boy.”

This time my Dad wasn’t having it and said, “Now you listen to me, you son of a – ”

The Thai guy suddenly wrapped his arms around my waist like a sumo wrestler and got me an inch or two off the ground. He then swayed back and forth – with me in his grasp – as he struggled to thrust me higher into the air.

He was having trouble until he let out a blood curtling scream and sent me airborn.

I screamed.

The onlookers screamed.

My Dad screamed.

My Mom and sister exited the store.

They screamed.

Finally, the man set me down and the crowd swarmed him. If this was America he would have raised a fist and screamed, “Yo, Adrian.”

I looked to my dad and asked, “What was that about?”

My Dad cleared his throat and said, “They, uh, thought you were tall. Really tall.”

Me: “Really? Because I’m not that tall.”

Dad: “Well, uh, they, uh thought you were.”

Me: “I think I’m gonna like Thailand.”

Dad: “That’s nice. But we’re leaving as early tomorrow morning as possible.”

For years I was all proud of myself and how “tall” I was. Then, a few years later, when I was a little wiser, I re-played the events in my mind and yelled, “SON OF A BITCH!!!!”