You know how they say that you shouldn’t eat uncooked fish when pregnant? Well, I think they might want to consider amending that rule to include the first six months after giving birth too, because Heather woke yesterday morning with terrible food poisoning after having eaten seared ahi the night before. Of course when you have food poisoning — and all the not so fun side effects that go with it — the last thing you want to do is take a seven hour long car ride. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what we had to do. So Heather had a very long day. In light of all of this I told her to get some sleep and that I would fill in for her.
Our trip to visit my family in the Bay Area was a good one, but it was hard. It was the first time Heather and I had been up there together since before Maddie passed, and Maddie’s absence was felt in every moment. On our last trip Maddie slept between us in the guest bed, cuddled with her grandparents, and played with her cousins. On this trip Heather and I slept in the same guest bed, but Maddie wasn’t between us. Her grandparents were there, but there was no cuddling with Maddie. Instead, all they could do was show me a photo of Maddie that they had framed by their bed. And while Maddie’s cousins ran around, laughing and playing, they did so without Maddie who was such an integral part of their games last time.
For me, there are few if any places where Maddie’s absence is felt greater than with her family. This is true with Heather’s side of the family too, of course, but it is especially hard with mine as she was part of a little crew of cousins. The last time our little crew was together they kissed and hugged each other, giggled endlessly, and jumped on beds. It was a golden family moment. But it would not be repeated. Now when I see Maddie’s cousins and watch them laugh and play all I can think about is how Maddie isn’t there to run after them. And she should be. She is supposed to be there.
Yes, the Spohr family has multiplied even with Maddie’s passing. My sister gave birth to Michaela, and Heather gave birth to Annie. But that only makes it harder. I see Annie and Michaela together and think about how they would have idolized Maddie. I imagine her teaching them; playing with them. She would have been the big sister and cool older cousin. But that isn’t to be. No matter how much our family may grow, nothing will ever change the fact that one of its key members is gone.
In some ways it feels like watching a TV show that carries on after one of its stars leaves… Like Three’s Company post Suzanne Sommers. The show sort of feels the same, and maybe even captures some of the same magic, but at the same time kind of feels…weird. I hope that this feeling isn’t always felt so strongly. I need to remind myself that Maddie’s passing is still so fresh. It’s only been a little over a year, and we have a long trip ahead of us, one that is far longer than even a seven hour car ride when you have food poisoning.
Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com says:
I’m sending warm wishes and tight hugs for all of your family. I know it’s not enough, but it’s what I have in spades…
.-= Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com´s last blog ..Announcing… =-.
Kate @ UpsideBackwards says:
Poor Heather! I hope you’re better soon.
Hugs can’t fill the Maddie-shaped hole in your lives, but I’ll send them along anyway, in the hope that they will be of some small comfort.
.-= Kate @ UpsideBackwards´s last blog ..An eternal mystery =-.
Nikki says:
Absolutely. I couldn’t have said it better.
(((HUGS)))
I hope Heather is on the road to recovery!
XOXO from GA,
Nikki
Kristin says:
My sentiments exactly.
Hope Heather feels better soon.
.-= Kristin´s last blog ..A Call To Arms =-.
MelissaG says:
Thinking of you all…hope Heather is feeling better fast!
Erica says:
Dear Mike,
Thanks for posting today, I’ve been thinking about you all and thinking that the trip to your family would be difficult with so many memories of your precious Maddie. Your Maddie will never be forgotten, she is alive in so many ways, just not in the way we would all like.
I’m so sorry to hear that Heather is ill and am sending her lots of get well soon wishes.
Take care
Love Erica
Marti from Michigan says:
Oh dear, I am so sorry about the food poisoning! I have a feeling in my heart that Maddie was there right along with all of you guys fooling around and playing, in her own little way. She’s like a Monarch butterfly sitting on a flower now.
My screen saver is a collage of pictures, and Maddie’s is in there too. It changes every few seconds, and I love to watch them. I smile every time I see Maddie’s sweet little face. For sure, her little spirit is still in the midst of our lives….
***HUGS*** from Michigan!!
Rebecca says:
ah food poisoning. no good!
two years down the track from losing my twin son Finn I find the feelings come & go. when they come they’re still intense, partly because i’m surprised by the well of sadness but also just because. I think you two probably have it tougher though because Maddie was with you as a little person, really putting her mark on your lives. We lost Finn at birth.
.-= Rebecca´s last blog ..saturday morning =-.
Catherine Lucas says:
A lovely photograph, Maddie a shining star. I am sure she is missed and will be for the longest time. Yet life does not stop, it goes on, with a bit less magic. We can only hope that from some magical place, Maddie and other passed on loved ones are smiling down on us.
Hope you all got home sound and safe…
.-= Catherine Lucas´s last blog ..The cherry trees on stage =-.
Krissa says:
(((hugs))) to you guys. Thinking of you and I hope Heather gets better from the food poisoning soon.
Lynn from For Love or Funny says:
Mike, thanks for filling in for Heather. It’s a privilege to be a small part of your family’s journey. (I hope poor Heather feels better soon!)
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Being there isn’t easy =-.
mary c says:
What a long journey it will be, but you will get there, one day!
Heather what a trooper, for taking that long trip with food poisoning. I had all I could do to cling to the porcelain godness. I might have even rested my face on it to feel coolness on my skin. I know thats gross, just don’t tell anybody.
Lots of hugs with love.
rachel cortest says:
Perfectly stated. Hope that Heather is better soon.
charlane says:
Oh boy do I hope you feel better soon Heather. Ic cannot imagine a car ride, a 7 hour car ride, when I am feeling the effects of some bad fish. Speedy recovery!!
.-= charlane´s last blog ..I love this neighborhood… =-.
Anna Marie says:
Sending hugs – I hope Heather feels better soon.
Elizabeth says:
Hope Heather feels better soon! And sending hugs to you all; the road ahead will be bumpy but we’ll all be here along the way.
amanda says:
I won’t tell you that it will get easier – because that’s so easy to say – but I will say that I hope so much that it does get easier. xoxo
.-= amanda´s last blog ..I may not be great at this parenthood thing, but I guess I’m not new anymore. =-.
Sue says:
I hope that Heather feels better soon, Mike, but we all know that she can certainly depend on you to hold things together until she feels 100%. I can’t even begin to imagine the ache in your heart when you don’t see Maddie along side the other little ones as they’re laughing and playing. Those of us who have never even met her,,,,,,,,,,,miss her so very, very, much. I love the beautiful photo of Maddie sitting between her little friends,,,,,her cousins.
Sarah P says:
Best to Heather, and best to all of you. I’m sure Maddie will be missed for years to come.
Heather says:
Go to the health food store and buy bentonite clay. Kicks food poision to the curb very fast not to mention so many other negative things in your body. The internet has tons of information about bentonite clay. Hope you feel better soon.
Mary Ann says:
I understand that weird feeling of losing a famiy member. It’s never the same. At family gatherings since my father died I look around at his brothers and think he should be here, he should be enjoying his grandchildren and watching them open their christmas gifts not them, it’s so unfair. Maddie’s presence will always be felt, even though she is gone she will forever be a part of your family and live on in the love they feel for her. How lucky for her that she had such a warm, loving extended family. She looks like she was having a blast with her cousins. Time is a great healer, unfortunately it takes a long time. I hope Heather is feeling better soon, food poisoning is the worst. Take care – HUGS to you all.
Mary P (Barnmaven) says:
Maddie’s time with you and all of her family was far too short. Hugs to all you of you, and I hope Heather’s digestive system is feeling a bit more recovered.
.-= Mary P (Barnmaven)´s last blog ..Listless Monday: Butchering the Language(s) =-.
april says:
I don’t have anything insightful to say… just that I’m thinking of you and Heather (and your entire families). Hope Heather feels better soon!
Deborah says:
Thinking about you as always.
(((hugs and peace)))
.-= Deborah´s last blog ..Food and Art and Focus =-.
Lisa says:
Ugh, food poisoning sucks. I hope Heather is feeling better soon.
You always notice to fact someone is missing, you never get to a point where it doesn’t hurt that they aren’t there. Every time I’m with my family I feel the absence of my Dad. I think about what should have been. But I also try to focus on good memories of when he was there and it doesn’t hurt as much anymore as it used to.
Love and hugs to all of you.
.-= Lisa´s last blog ..The Great Blankie Hunt of 2010 =-.
red pen mama says:
First, I hope Heather recovers soon. Ugh.
Second, nearly seven years out, I still see the ghost of my baby boy when the whole family is together, whether on my side or my husband’s side. I know he would be right in the thick of things with the boys. It’s far less painful than it used to be, but still present.
My thoughts are with you guys.
.-= red pen mama´s last blog ..I’m Pregnant =-.
Delenn says:
Thinking of you and of all those missing pieces in my life as well. They are never so missed as when you are with those who truely loved them the most.
.-= Delenn´s last blog ..The Plan 2010: April Update =-.
Jamie says:
Hope Heather feels better soon ~
This post made it very clear to me why I avoided my mom’s family after my mom died. It was too much to be with them with out my mom being there too. I see them now and I do very much enjoy my time with them but it’s very bitter sweet – my aunts remind me so much of my mother that being with them sometimes takes my breath away. Such a glaring reminder of how much I miss her.
As always – sending thoughts & prayers.
.-= Jamie ´s last blog ..Momma say what? =-.
MM says:
Thanks Mike, for picking up the reins. One family visit down–I hope it will get easier to remember Maddie for all of you. Best wishes for a speedy recovery to Heather.
Amanda says:
Hugs. I don’t post very often, your loss is so unimaginable and heartbreaking, I just never know what the *right* thing to say would be. There is no right thing to say. I just want you to know that I read here often, and think of you all often, and I know that the journey you’re unwillingly taking has got to be awful, and I’m so sorry you have to take it. So. Just hugs.
Trisha Vargas says:
I hope it will get a little easieras you travel along this very hard road.
Please keep Heather hydrated with lots of fluids.
(((HUGS))) from Florida
Lisa says:
My daughter would have been 15 this May 13th. She was born and died on the same day. I still carry this clip in my wallet: One day you will wake up and realize you must have survived because you are still here, alive and breathing. But you don’t remember the infinitely small steps and decisions you took to get there. Your only awareness is that you have shed miles of tears on what seems to be an endless road of sorrow. One day, one glorious day, you will wake up and you will feel your skin tingle again. And you will forget, for just a moment, that your heart is broken… and it is a beginning.
Alexandria says:
I am so sorry for your pain as you are correct she should be there. I think your missing her and feeling her absence in this surrounding will always be there because she should be there. Life isnt fair and I pray for your comfort as you go through life and your family events.
Kim says:
Thanks Mike for keeping us up to date. So sorry you are so sick Heather hope you start feeling better soon. Thinking of you guys and sending you love and well wishes.
((Hugs))
Tammy says:
I love that picture. I remember last year’s post about her with her cousins. It was so cute. She got so excited watching them jump on the bed. For a little thing, she sure had a huge presence. I can’t imagine the void. So sorry.
Terri says:
Hope your tummy feels better soon Heather! Last year my husband and I both had food poisoning (I had it MUCH worse) and we had a 5 hour car ride to the airport, then an 11 hour flight overseas from Turkey to Chicago.. When I think about it now, I shudder. Thank goodness our daughter was only 5 months old so she didn’t get it. I remember my husband kept saying how are we going to get home.. we can’t do this. Well, we had to, so we did, but it was awful. *Hugs* Hope its overwith soon. Sorry this trip was so hard on you all in more ways than one. It’s just not right that Maddie isn’t there with you all. People say there’s a reason for everything, but should I ever get the chance I’ll be asking the big guy the reason for that one, because never in my life will I understand why she isn’t here.
c.c. says:
i’m sorry heather is sick. and i’m so sorry your maddie wasn’t there with you.
.-= c.c.´s last blog ..and ye shall be rewarded =-.
Veronika says:
Ah Heather! I hope you feel better soon! {{ hugs }}
Mike, I don’t know what to say about your post. I cannot imagine a world where one of my children was gone and I can’t imagine how you survive day to day. I admire your strength more than I can say. {{ hugs }} to you too.
HalynB says:
Poor Heather! I’ve been trapped in the car with rebelling bowels before-there’s not a lot worse than that!
I love the picture of Maddie with her cousins. What a sweet, beautiful baby.
I know losing a child is a completely different situation, but my experience of losing people I loved has been that you always miss them, but a day comes when missing them doesn’t take away your breath, or break your heart. Although you will always feel Maddie’s loss, I hope with all my heart that it doesn’t always hurt this much.
Thinking of all the Spohrs today…I hope Heather feels better soon.
.-= HalynB´s last blog ..Bits and Pieces =-.
Kristi says:
Wow! Poor Heather! I guess that ruined Ahi Tuna for her…yuck!
Maddie’s story always breaks my heart. Fresh tears came today when I thought of your loss. She was a beautiful, amazing child. I know that if I’m feeling this sad, the pain of you and your family is infinitely worse and I can’t imagine how you muster up the strength to push through each day. You both have an amazing spirit. I admire that.
Michelle Pixie says:
I hope Heather is feeling better.
Sending many hugs and hoping that you are right. I am so sorry the trip was tough all the way around.
.-= Michelle Pixie´s last blog ..Starbucks Bully =-.
Erin says:
Feel better Heather! Mike…very well said. I hope through it all, you were able to remember the amazing moments of Maddie, and spend some good time with your parents. Hope your Brain Tumor Walk in SF was nice. I have been to that walk, and really loved it. My Aunt also had a Brain Tumor, but passed away.
Hugs and Kisses
xoxo
Lauren D. says:
I’m so sorry you’re ill sweetheart. I hope you recover quickly. I’ve only recently been introduced to your site, but already your precious Maddie has changed my life. In ways I couldn’t have even imagined.
You both are such strong, loving and wonderful people. Your beautiful daughters shine with the love you’ve instilled.
Thank you so much for sharing the lives of your family with us.
Alison says:
I am sure you are all very thankful that’s Maddie’s time here was so well chronicled. It will never fix anything and it is absolutely no substitute, of course, but her youngest family members and the ones that never get to meet her will still have memories of her. How amazing.
xoxo
.-= Alison´s last blog ..IQ =-.
Glenda says:
Hoping Heather is feeling better soon! I can’t imagine the void felt when you are around Maddie’s cousins. You guys do have many memories to share with Annie and Michaela of Maddie and they will treasure all the pictures you share and the memories. It’s not fair and it’s not the same. Sending you, Heather and Annie hugs! xxx
amy says:
Get better Heather, how awful to be sick on a car journey. REST.
Am sure your family members loved seeing Annie. You are making new memories to go with the old.. Not easy I imagine but as you mentioned, it is still early days.
As always wishing you never had to go through this
Take care.
Sandra says:
I didn’t read the comments but the stomach is going around the country. More likely it’s the stomach flu. Just thought you shouldn’t blame the fish.
Judy says:
Hang in there you guys and Heather feel better soon.
Katie C. says:
Funny – I just clicked on one of your Flickr links off to the side, and it as this video…
http://www.flickr.com/photos/plasticcandy/3370091636/in/set-72157603209551757/
I know those links are randomly generated, so I thought it was neat that this video was chosen.
Savannah says:
Thank you for sharing that video, it was so lovely to see.
My heart breaks for your family Mike and Heather, Maddie was such an angel and I wish so hard she wasn’t taken away.
Robbie says:
The strength that you take from Maddie’s memories amazes me. It shows through each of your posts, even the ones where you are feeling blue.
.-= Robbie´s last blog ..Weekend Madness =-.
Adventures In Babywearing says:
I hope all is well!
Steph
.-= Adventures In Babywearing´s last blog ..Art makes a cameo appearance in your life every day. =-.
Mary says:
Poor Heather! Hoping she gets to feeling better soon!
As for the missing ‘piece’~it’s so terribly sad…and sadly I think it will always be kind of that way: Maddie should be a part of that gang of cousins & it isn’t fair that she isn’t. But I know that you & your extended family will always make that while she may be “gone” physically, she will always be close by in memories, stories, pictures, and videos.
Sending love & hugs your way.
.-= Mary´s last blog ..Spending Time with my Girl =-.
Jenn says:
OOOHHh Poor Heather!!
I hope you feel better. I look at the picture of little Maddie and I cry. I can’t imagine your sorrow, I know it sounds weird but I really miss Maddie too and I long to hold and just give her back to you. The only solace I can take is thinking she up in heaven playing with our Meghan (she passed when she was 10 mons, 3 days).
Thinking of you guys always!
Love,
Jenn
Vak says:
Oh yeah. it’s a long journey, and that’s the truth. You get used to a new reality, but you never like it. The fact is this: The world was a better place with Maddie in it. Completely. In every way. I lost someone almost six years ago and… sigh.
It is what it is. And it sucks. love, V
Dawn says:
It is hard to delight in the joys of the world when an integeral piece is missing.
*Hugs* to you both!
Heather, I hope you feels better! Food poisoning is the WORST!
.-= Dawn´s last blog ..Happy 5th birthday Sam! =-.
Ray says:
“It’s only been a little over a year, and we have a long trip ahead of us, one that is far longer than even a seven hour car ride when you have food poisoning.”
^^I wish that the only pain you both had to suffer was a long car ride with food poisoning. I hope Heather feels better soon. And Maddie’s cousins will always know Maddie. Thanks to your videos, photos and this blog.
Al_Pal says:
How rough. I can only imagine.
HUGE *hugs*.
I still think of y’all all the time. xoxo
Clemmiesmom says:
I hope Heather is feeling better. I read about some kind of fish that causes hallucinations (bad ones! Not fun at all!) when eaten at the wrong time of year. That scvared the hell out of me because I don’t want to be trippin’ on hallucinogenic fish if I can help it but how can you tell which fish is safe and which will take you to Timothy Leary Land?
Sorry you didn’t have a better family visit. Maybe I missed something but wasn’t Annabel there? Couldn’t she sleep between you and hang with the relatives? I worry about her.
Molly says:
Oh, that sounds so hard. Watching her cousins grow up without her will probably never get easier–but maybe more bearable with time. So sorry you guys have to go through this on a daily basis.
Poor Heather! Feel better soon!