A couple months ago I suddenly began to receive warnings about an upcoming movie entitled “Rabbit Hole.” “I know you love the movies,” people would say, “but you’re going to want to skip the new one with Nicole Kidman. Don’t ask me what it’s about – just trust me – you aren’t going to want to watch it!” The reason people felt the need to warn me is because “Rabbit Hole,” starring Kidman and Aaron Eckhart, is an adaptation of David Lindsay-Abaire’s 2005 play about a young couple whose only child dies suddenly and tragically. This obviously hits close to home, so I understand why people wanted to warn me about it. Nonetheless, as the film’s release grew closer, I felt a weird need – a duty even – to see it.
The worries people had about my seeing “Rabbit Hole” were largely unfounded because this film isn’t a weepy. It isn’t concerned with making you fall in love with Kidman and Eckhart’s deceased son or in dramatizing the emotionally wrenching immediate aftermath of his passing. Instead, the film starts eight months later, when the fireworks are over for the most part and all that is left are two people struggling to adjust to a previously unfathomable life.
A big part of the movie deals with Kidman and Eckhart’s attempt to avoid becoming one of the many couples who divorce after losing a child. I’ve written about the challenges Heather and I have had moving forward and how it is difficult to share an experience that each partner experiences in such a personal way. The film grasps this as the characters played by Kidman and Eckhart grieve in very different ways – Eckhart surrounds himself with reminders of his son such as the boy’s dog, drawings, and clothes, while Kidman expunges all traces of the boy from her life. In this regard Eckhart seems to be coping better, but Kidman seems better adjusted in other ways such as when it comes to the teen who accidentally hit and killed their son. Kidman is empathetic and understands it wasn’t the teen’s fault while Eckhart goes into a rage upon merely seeing the teen. Clearly, there is no rhyme or reason to how each of us will grieve, and the film depicts this well.
Nicole Kidman’s character has been called unlikeable by many critics for scenes such as when she slaps a mom at the store or takes offense to the suggestion that God takes children because he needs more angels. That is an interpretation, I think, that will be common among people who have not lost a child. From my eyes, however, I see a women who lashes out only after enduring an endless barrage of painful reminders from the outside world. Her pregnant sister, for example, is totally clueless as to how her pregnancy could be painful for Kidman, her best friend has abandoned her because the situation “freaks” her out, old acquaintances who are unaware of her loss ask her about her son, and all she sees everywhere are mothers and their children. These painful moments (and countless others) make life draining and exhausting, and those who have lost a child understand that when Kidman lashes out it is only after dying thousands of tiny deaths, day after day.
Kidman and Eckhart do eventually discover a way to move on, and part of doing this entails accepting that, if they want to continue to live among the “normal” world, they have to pretend to be less broken than they are. This part resonated with me because the time that we who have lost a child are “allowed” to grieve is limited if we want to continue to be part of society. While people are sad for our loss, the hard truth is that no one wants to be around someone whose presence is a constant reminder of how cruel the world can be. “Rabbit Hole” understands that to be welcomed by friends, family, and society we who have lost a child must hide our pain while smiling and pretending to be happy. We must hide from the rest of society just how horrific life can be if we want to remain part of it.
In the end I deemed “Rabbit Hole” to be a good film that accurately portrays what it is to be a member of this “club.” That, however, may be it’s undoing. It likely will be a hard film for people to connect to – the non-grievers will have trouble truly understanding the characters, and even those in “the club” may feel disconnected because grief is just so personal. To make it any other way, however, would have been to strike a false note.
Brandy says:
While I’m not sure how I will handle seeing this movie it is one I plan to see when I can. Though I have not experienced the death of a child, and please don’t think that I am trying to lessen that loss in any way, I have lost my father. I was only 22 and he was 46 and it was very sudden. While I know that loss was different, there was still that shift of having to decide to hide the grief still going on if I was going to live as a part of the “normal” world. People who had never had a loss so close to them just couldn’t understand. They were afraid to talk about it or didn’t understand why a smell of cologne in a restaurant as a man walked by at just the wrong moment could bring tears to my eyes. I’m always interested in how people perceive grief and put it in the form of a movie for the rest of us to see. Thanks for the review, it is good to know it’s a movie worth seeing.
Lynn says:
I lost my mom a few years ago when I was 40, and I was surprised at how short a time people would acknowledge it or allow me to grieve. I figured it was because at my age losing one’s parent become more likely, and my friends didn’t want to think about how it could happen to them. I would have thought that for the loss of a child, which is so much worse, or a parent at such a young age, people would be more…understanding, if that’s the word, or open to someone else’s grief. I guess it’s just the way of our culture — we prize cheerfulness, and getting over stuff.
Meg...CT says:
You and my brother belong to a shitty “club”…I am so sorry.
CarrieM says:
I will definitely give this movie a chance thanks to your review. My cousin lost a baby in her second trimester and it was devestating for her and I believe our family wasn’t as sensitive to her as we should have been. I was pregnant at the same time she was and she couldnt talk to me for months (not until I had a preterm premature rupture of membranes a few months later) did we start speaking again.
It’s still hard to this day to know what to say, especially knowing that no words could ever make her hurt go away. But we have spoken about “Chance” and his life and even managed a laugh or two about it. His name isn’t a hushed whisper behind her back, it is a celebrated name. And he is now a big brother to a beautiful little boy.
Now things seem to have come full circle as i’m struggling with the possibilty of losing my newborn son (my third cutie baby) who was born with a complicated congenital heart defect. the fear is overwhelming at times. But I know that should I ever need my cousin’s support she will offer it without hesitation. I hope I never belong to your “club”. And I hope people who have never lost a baby give this movie a chance, so at the very least they can be more sensitive to those who are grieving a loss so horrific that it’s unbearable to even contemplate.
MBKimmy says:
Great review – I am not in the “club” I can NOT imagine it being one of my children. I do think of you and Heather daily! I pray that on this day and everyday that you smile, even if it is a “remember” smile or a hurt smile that you smile and I pray that you do not become on of the couples that doesn’t make it.
I guess I could have just said – thanks for sharing “ya’ll” with us and I will keep praying!
Elizabeth says:
I’ve never even heard of the movie, but thank you for the review.
Jamie says:
I have not heard of the movie either, thanks for the review. I do not belong to the “club” and thank the Lord every day. Thank you both for sharing such personal, difficult times. I cannot imagine the pain that you have endured or continue to endure with daily reminders. You have helped me see how others respond to anyone that experiences a loss. A few of my best friend’s have experienced losses this year. I watched and listen as people made silly comments, thinking they were helping or completely avoid them because they did not know what to do or say.
Tami says:
She is sooo sticken cute. The looks she gives you cracks me up. She isnt going to walk for you she is waiting for santa!!
have a Very Merry Christmas!!
Momma Lioness Michele says:
Oh Mike, your review brought tears to my eyes – your line about Kidman lashing out “after dying thousands of tiny deaths, day after day” is exactly how I imagine life must be for parents who have lost a child. The loss you and Heather have endured is incomprehensible and my heart aches for you both. I think it was super-brave of you to watch this movie – I don’t know if I could do it, and I have not experienced this. I say a prayer for your Maddie daily. I am thinking of the Spohrs and wishing you happiness with Annie this holiday season.
rachel cortest says:
Being in the club that no one wants to be in, I too do want to go see this movie. I did not read most of your post because I do not want to know much about it. I have seen clips. I loved the part where Nicole says something like, “But he is GOD so couldn’t he make his own angels” I wish that none of us could relate to this film.
I know that it will not be as hard to watch as BOY INTERRUPTED. Wishing you many many happy moments this holiday season.
Julie says:
We lost our son, and have lived our lives since just the way your explanation of the movie describes. I love you and Heather for your ability to openly share your struggles with grief. It is different for everyone. The world and even our best friends will never understand the pain in our hearts that will last for the rest of our life. We do have to appear externally happy to appease the world, but I have found myself this holiday season smiling on the outside for my other children and going through the motions wanting so badly to feel the joy I appear to have, only to constantly battle with the voice in my head that keeps saying “I can not wait until the holidays are over.” I feel bad for even writing those words because I do not even share those thoughts with my husband. We grieve differently ; ) So I will stop typing and attend to my children. We are on our way to the mall to see Santa. Merry Christmas! It has to get better, RIGHT???
Christine says:
A friend of mine was initiated to your club last night, and well, it sucks. I probably wouldn’t be able to handle watching “Rabbit Hole” after our year, but maybe one day. Much love to you guys.
suzanne says:
Thank you for this outstanding review. And thanks to you and Heather for sharing your grief with us. You have helped to give a voice to all of the parents who have lost a child, and educated everyone else about what it means to be in the “club.” As a reader of your blogs, I knew I had to go see this movie.
Rebecca says:
I had never heard of the movie, but wouldn’t be able to watch it. I can’t watch anything that might make me cry.
Jill (mrschaos) says:
I wish you didn’t have to be part of that “club”…my heart is in my throat.
Dammit.
Brooke says:
My daughter was stillborn two and a half weeks ago and my husband and I are reeling from the grief and wondering how and when this can possibly get easier. It’s strange to have moments when I feel ok, followed suddenly by moments when I truly think dying would be the only relief from this pain. I do want to see this film and I think it’s because that line of Kidman’s character resonates with me. I don’t want to be a mommy to some stupid angel. I just want my baby.
Michelle says:
I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter.
Anna Marie says:
Mike, this review, and the feelings and emotions behind it, just laid me flat. My son has been in the PICU 4 times in his brief life, and i have stared down the maw of my worst fear too many times now. You and Heather were pushed straight into it and my heart breaks daily for you. I never met Maddie but I miss her. I simply can’t imagine your pain.
Glenda says:
Mike, thanks for the review. My brother and sis-in-law last their only daughter at the age of one due to congenital heart defects. 2 yrs later they were divorced. So sad to say the least. I definitely want to see this movie. I lost my dad when I was 13 and I can relate with trying to mask my grief back then. When I wasn’t in school for a week after his passing, friends at school would ask what was wrong, instead of telling them that my dad has passed, I’d say I was sick with the flu!? Yeah, how silly now…but I guess that was my way of masking it for others so that all of the attention and “I’m sorry” would come my way.
Laura says:
I have never commented before but for some reason I feel compelled to. I lost my daughter almost 15 years ago, and I understand fully the need to “fit” in with society. Even this many years later out of nowhere there is something that brings back a memory for me that takes me “back” to not being able to be part of the norm. I rarely go to movies but I am sure that this is one that I will see. I am truley sorry for you and your new reality. It just is not fair!
alicia says:
“While people are sad for our loss, the hard truth is that no one wants to be around someone whose presence is a constant reminder of how cruel the world can be. ‘Rabbit Hole’ understands that to be welcomed by friends, family, and society we who have lost a child must hide our pain while smiling and pretending to be happy. We must hide from the rest of society just how horrific life can be if we want to remain part of it.”
KILLS ME.
It’s interesting, though… I don’t get why people don’t want to be around this reminder. I’m not a part of your club, but I’m a part of some other clubs with probably some similar post-traumatic stress/depression/anxiety reactions. Maybe that’s why I don’t get that reaction of wanting to avoid… Hmm. Never thought about it like this.
Hope this makes sense, but probably not. You made me think. That’s the sentiment.
Rach says:
Wow, now I want to see the movie. I HATE the “your baby is an angel now.” I HATE that, and I have NEVER heard someone who has actually lost a child say it. Most people who say it are Christians, and it’s not even Biblical. People don’t turn into angels when they die.
People don’t like to think that what happened to you could happen to them. They want to find a reason Maddie died. They want to find a reason any little child dies. A reason that would exonerate them from having the same thing happen to them. The truth is, the world is crazy and life is tough. Nothing we do can completely insulate our kids from that fact. You know that just about as well as anyone else.
I think the thing I struggle with is where personal choice and tragedies don’t have much to do with each other, not really at least. I’ve seen many people drink their entire pregnancies, smoke crack (I was a teacher), etc., only to give birth to healthy babies. I did everything “right” and my daughter has undergone countless procedures and painful other daily medical things because she wasn’t born with normal anatomy.
I still remember the day the intake lady at the hospital asked me if I had remembered every day to take my prenatal vitamins, and when I explained that birth defects sometimes just happen, she raised her eyebrows and changed the subject.
The randomness is sometimes too scary to accept.
I’m pregnant again after 3 miscarriages and everyone thinks “This one will be different…” What? Because I’m “owed” that? Because I deserve something from the universe? Nah. Doesn’t work that way. Not to be a downer, but life is tough, and though I believe strongly in a benevolent God, I don’t believe He exists just so I can have it easy.
Anyway, wow, that was quite the tangent now, wasn’t it.
Going to go rent the movie.
Amy K says:
Have you seen In The Bedroom? I’ve never lost a child and my daughter was only a distant dream when that movie came out, and it just about broke my heart to watch it.
Amanda M. says:
All I had heard about this movie before was that Nicole Kidman’s forehead had finally returned to acting.
I have seen a couple of movies where a couple loses a child at the beginning, so I think the idea of showing later attempts at coping is an interesting one. To get such a review from a member of this terrible “club” is quite the praise, so I’m sure I’ll like it. “Like it” in that weird, “Why am I doing this to myself?” kind of way, of course.
I have never been good with grief. When my mother’s uncle died I was just a hot mess. And how ridiculous is that? I mean, he was a great guy, but he was old and sick for a long time and I just really suck at grieving.
What I’m trying to say is, thank you, Mike and Heather, for teaching me about grief in such a real and raw way. It’s really helped me.
Mary says:
Your comment about the time we’re “allowed” to grieve is so true. Mine is a different loss, but I feel the same need to try to pretend I’m healing better than I am. People who haven’t been through it don’t realize…
heather says:
thank you, as always, for sharing your personal tragedy and for being so real. hopefully what you share can help people be more understanding – or even get them to try to understand.
Madeline Petty says:
Your comment about the time we’re “allowed” to grieve is so true. Mine is a different loss, but I feel the same need to try to pretend I’m healing better than I am. People who haven’t been through it don’t realize…
Michelle W says:
I’ve never suffered such a tragic loss and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have no idea the depths of the pain and how complex it can also become. That said it absolutely makes me scream inside when I hear people say things like “god needed an angel”
katie allison granju says:
It’s midnight. My husband and older kids have gone to bed, and I’ve finally decided to try to watch it On Demand. I don’t know yet whether I’ll be able to make it through the whole thing
Shannon says:
I read this review when you first wrote it and due to it and the incredible cast I wanted to see it and tonight I did. I want to thank you for this post because it helped me see the movie differently than I would have before. Grief is messy and personal and different for each individual. We all deal in our own way and it’s the acceptance of this that allows us to go on. Parents, grandparents, siblings, friends and children. We all try our best to get through the day. Thank you for allowing us a glimpse into the depths to help better understand.