One thing that made Heather a little apprehensive about buying our new home was the fact that it is located near to the town she grew up in. While she loved the idea of being close to her parents and lifelong friends, she also realized “moving back home” meant having a lot of these conversations:
“Heather? Heather Buchanan?!?! Is that you?!?!?
“Oh, um, hi…”
“It’s me. Bert! From seventh grade Pre-Algebra. Wasn’t Mrs. O’Brien a pill?”
As opposed to Heather, I had no problem with the new house’s location. That’s because no one knows me in Heather’s old stomping grounds. There I am… a man of mystery! And I like it that way, because when you live in the same place a long time (as I did in Los Angeles for seventeen years) you accumulate a lengthy list of people you hope you don’t run into when you go out. And the list only grows the longer you live there!
I don’t mean to sound like a jerk. I have also accumulated a long list of terrific people who I love to run into. BUT… I’d be lying if I pretended I loved running into:
THE RANDOM DUDE FROM COLLEGE – This guy is the worst because there are so many of him. There’s the one who lived across the hall freshman year, the one who sat near me in Psych 101, the one who roomed with my friend sophomore year, and many more. You know what they all have in common? I don’t remember any of their names. This makes for awkward chit-chat when they run up to me saying, “Mike! Buddy! Long time no see!”
THE CRAZY O.J. SIMPSON LADY – When I first moved to Los Angeles the O.J. Simpson trial was on everyone’s minds, but none more than on that of the bandana wearing grandma who cornered me at Blockbuster for half an hour so she could explain why O.J. was innocent and the trial was a “white conspiracy.” And while I haven’t seen this lady in seventeen years, I still worry every time I go out that I might run into her somewhere and have to listen to her thoughts on Casey Anthony.
TURTLE GIRL – I once had a blind date who insisted I come up to her apartment upon picking her up so I could meet her… wait for it… turtle. She made me hold it for twenty minutes while she described how great turtles were as pets. Anyway, the date went poorly (shocker) and now whenever I run into her (she lives in my neighborhood) she always glares at me from over her turtle pendant. See ya, Turtle Girl!
THE GUY IN MY BUILDING WHO CALLS ME STEVE – This guy started calling me Steve ten years ago and I’ve never corrected him. Now I live in fear of him learning my real name and having to explain why I’ve let him think my name is Steve for so long.
THE SNOTTY 7-11 CLERK – Not once in fifteen plus years has this guy not had a sarcastic, superior, or condescending comment for me whenever I go into my corner 7-11. I’d stop going, but come on… it’s 7-11! Here are a few of his gems:
“Chili and cheese on that dog? Watch the waistline.”
“No one buys that candy. What’s wrong with a Snickers?”
“No, we do not sell stamps so don’t even ask.” (This in reference to my asking him if they sold stamps once sometime before 9/11 happened).
THE “SIMILAR MUSIC TASTE” DUDE – This goatee sporting dude loves the Beatles, Beach Boys, Bob Dylan, Elvis Costello, Fiona Apple, and Aimee Mann. You know who else does? Me. I can’t tell you how many concerts I have run into this guy at, and he always comes over to talk to me about our crazy connection. Ugh.
THE EX-GIRLFRIEND – I had one long term relationship before Heather (2 years), and I have long worried about the awkward explosion that would ensue if I ran into her with Heather. The awkward possibilities are infinite, starting with how I would even introduce the ex.
“Heather, I’d like you to meet my ex-girlfriend.”
“Heather, this is an… old friend of mine.”
Heather, please meet… oh who are we kidding you totally already know who she is and looked her up on Facebook.”
Ugh. Thank Goodness that weirdness never happened!
Well, farewell to one and all! I will now enjoy my life free of awkward encounters! That is, at least, for a few months before the people in my new city get to know me.
Jenn says:
HHHHmmmm, sounds to me like The Concert Guy has a mad Male Crush on you and Soooo wants to be your SOUL MATE!!! Not that there is ANYTHING wrong with that (cuz there SOOOO isn’t), well except for the fact you are happily married to an awesome woman, that is!
You and Heather crack me up with your sense of humours & witty posts!!I’m sure your new neighbours are going to Not ONLY LOVE you three BUT also find you guys to be FUNNY, INTERESTING, WITTY and FUN!!!
And, if not…..Just tell them your names are Stephanie, Steve and Sarah and RUN when you see them comin’!!!
ellie says:
I can totally feel you on the “Steve” issue. A guy at work has been calling me “Lily” since I started there in June, and I’ve never corrected him, either. I’m not sure why.
Mom again says:
At least between Lily and Ellie you can claim to have not really noticed the mis pronunciation until recently. There’s no explanation to cover the difference between Mikr and Steve.
Leslie says:
We moved to Colorado a year and a half ago, and it was sooo nice to never have to worry about running into people. Now I do run into people I know (which is good) but even once you get to know them, it takes YEARS for awkward run-ins, so you’ll enjoy it for quite a while!
Leslie says:
You’re so amusing!
This post is doubly funny to me, due to a similar experience, though from the other side of things– a few weeks ago after church, we were standing in the lobby talking to some friends, and this man was innocently walking by. Suddenly, my husband grabs him, shakes his hand vigorously, and says, “Hey Steve! How are you?” The man, with a very awkward look on his face, mumbled something, smiled, and then went on his way.
I said to my husband, “That wasn’t Steve. You don’t even know that guy. And his name is Darrell.”
My husband’s jaw dropped on the floor. “That wasn’t Steve?”
I was dying laughing by this time. “No. You don’t even remember what your acquaintance Steve looks like?”
My husband is now looking like the world has tipped off its axis, as he stares at Darrell’s back retreating out the door, and softly says to himself, “I thought it was…. Steve.”
Every week since then, when I see Darrell across the room, I cheerily say to my husband, “Hey, there’s your friend Steve!”
My husband shoots me a look. Luckily he has a sense of humor and enjoys a good joke, even if it’s at his expense.
I guess I got paid back yesterday though, when I was working in the church office and I had a nice chatty conversation with one of the staff members who I talk to all the time, and then as she was walking away she said, “Have a nice afternoon, Pamela!”
Huh? My name is Leslie.
Ah, life. Too funny.
Best of luck to you and Heather in your new neighborhood. Just think, a whole new chance to make new dysfunctional acquaintances! It’s gonna be great!
Maui says:
In fairness to the guy in your building, you TOTALLY look like a Steve.
mp says:
This is so true! I dread running into certain people and will go out of my way to avoid any interaction, including hopping over to a longer grocery store line to avoid a certain grumpy checker or grocery bag boy who always makes the same boring comments. I’ll go the long way around my office building to avoid the mean guard when I’ve forgotten my pass. I’ll go outside in the rain at lunchtime to get food instead of using the lobby connector to avoid the overly chatty guard who announces your business to the entire lobby.
Do people not realize they are ANNOYING?!
tonya says:
I’m jealous! I live in Small Town TN, and can’t even imagine the joy of not running into numerous people I know every time I go out! Whether I like them or not, sometimes I dodge people just because I don’t feel like talking.
Also, loving the Steve thing. While my name is pronounced “Tonya” that’s not how it’s spelled. I worked for seven years with a woman who called me “Tan-Ja” and I never corrected her. When I first started teaching, she was an older, scary teacher and I wasn’t about to correct her. It became a running joke with everyone I worked with because she would correct THEM for not saying my name correctly!
meredith says:
too funny mike! you made my day.
Rebecca says:
I moved over 100 miles away from my super small tiny little town that I grew up in……..and I *STILL* run into people I grew up with. Some of the worst ones too….ggrrrr
alimartell says:
I used to work with someone who called me Anne. I didn’t have the heart to correct her…and I let her call me Anne for TEN YEARS.
Pattie says:
Good luck in the new neighborhood! I’ve had to go out of my way to avoid running into certain people around town, so I can relate. In fact, I’d actually prefer it if some of them thought I was named Steve.
steve shilstone says:
Small world. People call me Steve all the time.
Courtney says:
LOL – we live in a downtown apartment building, and one of our neighbors of over a year just found out my name was Courtney, not Amanda. Awkward! So glad I wasn’t there when my husband slipped up and called me by the correct name in front of her!
Trina says:
there are two graphic designers where i worked. wendi and myself me: trina. we had a new secretary at work who for ONE FULL YEAR called us by each other names. i finally took our name badges off our cubies and switched them “just for her” to mess with her mind. hey, it had been a year! the last time in the bathroom, i was washing my hands she said “hi wendi!” i think i responded with a snort/laugh and a “are you kidding me?” hmmmm she didn’t last much longer than that.
Kristin says:
This is hilarious! And I totally envy you for getting to move to a place where you don’t have to deal with the awkwardness of running into people from the past.
I live in the same town I grew up in. (I did spend 6 years in the neighboring town, so it’s not like I never went anywhere.. hahaha!) Apparently a lot of people I went to school with also still live here. Its both fun and annoying. Fun because while at dinner or at the store my husband and I can say to each other “don’t look now, but so-and-so just walked in and oh wow have they changed!” Annoying because before Mr. or Mrs. so-and-so has a chance to recognize you its “quick, lets leave!”
Just today I realized a guy I went to high school with has a kid in the same class as my son. Weird.
Jenn says:
Do you ever wonder if you are one of “those people” for anyone else? (I wonder that about myself, though I usually pretend to not notice people when I recognize them.)
I think it’s too funny that some guy has been calling you Steve for that long! I thought things like that only happened on television (or in movies).
Jenn says:
P.S. Oh and! I had two serious boyfriends before I met my husband. My husband ended up working with BOTH of them at different times (being coworkers with one, and then the other one’s boss). Talk about awkward!!
mccgood says:
My neighbor calls me Michelle, my name is Meg. I haven’t corrected her, and I answer her all the time. I too live in fear of the day she figures it out.
Alicia says:
I love love love Snotty 7-11 Clerk. Oh man.
My husband’s name is Brad. There’s a woman at our kids’ daycare who’s called him Brian for close to 3 years. He didn’t correct her at first because, you know, who cares. But then it’s just gotten worse and worse, and he can’t correct her now. She sometimes yells hello to him across the playground. Awkward.
Elizabeth says:
I go to my old stomping grounds quite often and always try to avoid those people! Good luck Heather.
J. P Martin says:
Very funny post. Mike.
I must wann you, I grew up in Halifax, Nova Scotia (a small city on the East Coast of Canada) and moved to Toronto when I was 25. Since moving to Toronto (17 years ago), I keep running into people from my home town in Toronto more then when I go home for a visit.
At your new home you may run into even more people than you want to avoid.
Happy moving.
Auntie_M says:
Wonder if Turtle Girl reads your blog!!! That’s hilarious! Back in college, I met a guy who did the same thing, only I thought it was a line to get me in his bedroom…while it kind of was, it was also true that he literally wanted to show me his exotic fish!
Good luck to Heather~she may want to wear a hat and sunglasses at all times…or perm her hair…or dye it jet black. Some sort of disguise may be needed!
Trisha says:
My grandma has called my husband Melvin since day one and he’s never had the heart to correct her and tell her it’s Milton.
The snotty 7-11 clerk made me laugh out loud. I wonder is he uses the same snarky comments on everyone all day long depending on what they purchase ir does he come up with new material for everyone.
Jill says:
Total agreement on the snotty 7-11 guy. What is it about convenience store clerks being total buttwipes? Is it a job requirement?
The manager at my local convenience store delights in telling fat people they shouldn’t buy doughnuts, smokers that they shouldn’t buy cigarettes and me that (a) I drink too much coffee and (b) I don’t smile enough.
I suspect he is on a mission to put the store out of business and claim unemployment.